How to Find The Man Of Your Dreams in One Easy Step

How to Find The Man Of Your Dreams in One Easy Step

I have a lot of conversations with women who inquire about which coaching option is the right fit.

Before anyone invests a lot of money in herself, it’s important that we get on the same page. In that half-hour, I can tell if she’s coach-able and serious, and she can tell if she’s going to respond to my no-nonsense approach to understanding men.

Every once in awhile, our free consultations will take a turn to the unexpected, and I get confronted with a question that I’ve never heard before.

In this instance, a successful, inquisitive, 40-something woman said that she’d read about all of my success stories – and even read my quote about the “crossroads”.

What she wanted to know was this:

“Among your success stories, Evan, what percentage of women changed who they were, and what percentage of women changed their choice of men?”

Out of everyone I’ve ever coached – and we’re talking over 1000 women since 2004 – I don’t recall a single instance where the woman fundamentally changed herself to find love.

I took a second to contemplate before replying.

I racked my brain, then laughed out loud at my own unexpected answer.

Out of everyone I’ve ever coached – and we’re talking over 1000 women since 2004 – I don’t recall a single instance where the woman fundamentally changed herself to find love. If she was driven, she remained driven. If she was opinionated, she remained opinionated. If she was busy, she remained busy.

In the hundreds of success stories that I’ve had, every single one started with my client doing two things:

1) Making a greater effort to find love
2) Opening up to, and falling for, a different type of man

That was a fascinating revelation to me and it should be to you, as well.

But what if I told you that I was drawn towards cocaine and prostitutes? (Yes, I am secretly Charlie Sheen.)

Seriously – what if I said that those 2 things produced the greatest highs in my life and I didn’t want to give them up?

You’d probably tell me that while you wish me well, it’s hard to create a stable relationship if I’m snorting blow off a 20-year-old in a Vegas hotel room. It may be fun, but hookers and coke are probably not building blocks for a peaceful life.

Hate to say it but: the men you’re most attracted to are your hookers and coke. And the only way to find a relationship that sticks is to quit them cold turkey.

This does NOT mean giving up on attraction, intelligence, looks or money!

All traits are on a sliding scale from 1-10; it’s not simply an either/or. Unless you make it that way. Consider this email I got from my former client last week:

I read your newsletter today and I want to tell you why your advice is so incredibly frustrating to me, although it seems like it should be simple. Only stay with men that treat you well, like a boyfriend. Don’t stay with men who treat you with indifference. You make it all seem so easy. Well, it’s anything but.

First, I have met only a few men that acted towards me like your mother’s boyfriend, and guess what? Neither of them were appealing enough to me to inspire me to want them as my boyfriend, as a matter of fact, being around them was incredibly depressing, since I felt so sad that I was finally getting some quality attention from a man, but I was so not interested, the attention felt annoying rather than good. And yes, I gave them a good chance and got to know them; I really tried. I was able to easily break things off with them with no regrets, and great relief!

I’ve had enough life experience to know that consistency and kindness pay far greater dividends over the course of a lifetime than, say, butterflies and weak knees.

However, your initial story of the woman who falls for a guy right away, only to be treated like an option on the back burner is ALL too familiar to me. This must be a very common scenario among your woman clients, since you describe it perfectly. Some guy who doesn’t call, prefers to text, sees you once in a while when it’s convenient for him, who at the same time is very intoxicating to be around, handsome, interesting, smart, funny, successful. The same guy who also drives us crazy with his murky intentions and inconsistent behavior. But is the alternative to this settling for some poor guy who doesn’t do much for me?

If these are the only 2 choices (and for me, it’s been one or the other), neither one is satisfying and so here I am, still alone. I dated well over 100 men during the past few years and this has been my experience. Are the women who find these great boyfriends just settling for the first guy who pays attention to them properly? In which case, I could be in a relationship, too, but I wouldn’t be happy! I admit that I’ve given up dating in 2011, since it’s just way too frustrating! –Lani

Note that Lani said, “If these are the only 2 choices…” – as if that was actually true.

It’s not.

My wife wasn’t a “10” in terms of attraction when we met.

She’s a “10” in terms of being a cool, patient, funny, easygoing, understanding, big-hearted person.

And if I broke up with her to search for that mythical feeling of blind passion, I’d have made a huge mistake.

I’d had enough life experience to know that consistency and kindness pay far greater dividends over the course of a lifetime than, say, butterflies and weak knees.

By the same token, it’s not like my wife is unattractive and uneducated. Far from it. She has a great body and amazing smile, knows obscure facts that perpetually surprise me, makes me laugh, and gets every pop culture reference that I make. So it’s not like I’m slumming it here.

However, I DID compromise.

I stopped chasing the 29-year-old, slim, East Coast Jewish lawyer/writer types who inspired the most attraction in me. Why?

Because it NEVER WORKED.

Because in making that tradeoff, I found the greatest happiness ever.

Because all the people I know who are still trying to date a better version of themselves are still single and frustrated!

Listen, we don’t live in a black and white world. Not at all.

It’s not either inspiration/heartbreak or boredom/depression.

Life takes place in the grey areas, and I assure you that I’ve never said to go out with some guy who you can’t stand or can’t picture kissing.

So stop dating jerks. Stop dating men who depress you. And keep your head up for something in between those two extremes.

Because, from my experience, that’s where love lies – but only if you persevere.

0
0

Join 5 Million Readers

And the thousands of women I've helped find true love. Sign up for weekly updates for help understanding men.

I hate spam as much as you do, therefore I will never sell, rent, or give away your email address.

Join our conversation (43 Comments).
Click Here To Leave Your Comment Below.

Comments:

  1. 31
    Zaq

    If I see another inappropriate use of the word “appropriate” by a bitter female I am going to scream !

    Show me anywhere on this enormous internet thingy where you find men asking how they can meet up with “appropriate” women.
    Why on earth would men want “attractive women”, when they can have an “appropriate” one instead ?

    Whoever invented the word, must be the same woman who invented the term “arm candy”.
    Just sayin

    Also, for those who ONLY have fat and significantly older men chasing them – YOU ARE WHAT YOU ATTRACT.
    To attract an attractive person you must BE attractive.

    Yes women ARE the ones that get to choose their mate – but only from those that find them attractive.

  2. 32
    Mia

    Zaq, do you not think it’s justified for a woman to say that a man 20 years older than her (especially if she is under 30 and not yet at an older age herself where compromising on the partner’s age may make more sense) is not “appropriate”? Also, haven’t you heard of models who can’t find boyfriends, hot girls in NYC who can’t get relationships, etc? Meeting the man’s minimal threshold of attractiveness doesn’t guarantee his long term commitment, even if it’s an opening requirement. Among younger men (under 35), there is an epidemic of non-commitment fueled by the hookup culture and the belief that there are endless options that often has far less to do with the quality of the woman in front of them than their own personal timing of when they’re “ready” to commit.

  3. 33
    Helen

    Zaq, only two women in this thread mentioned “appropriate.” And there is nothing inherently wrong with men and women wanting different things in their partners. Isn’t that what Evan is always making clear to us?
     
    I agree with you that “arm candy” is a silly term, but there’s certainly no proof that a woman invented it.
     
    You wrote: “Also, for those who ONLY have fat and significantly older men chasing them – YOU ARE WHAT YOU ATTRACT.” Zaq, I’m afraid there’s a contradiction right there in your one sentence. A person is NOT what she attracts if it is a significantly older man – by definition, then, they are not the same age. I think what you meant is that you can only choose among those whom you attract.

  4. 34
    Zaq

    @Mia
    What only 20 years ? I know teenagers interested in men in their 50s.

    You are perfectly entitled to have personal preferences which limit your dating pool. You are, however, in no position to dictate to other adults what is or is not appropriate.

    Without necessarily agreeing with your assessment, your main point would appear to be that younger men are unwilling to commit to a LTR.
    By your own admission though, you accept that men will commit when they are ”ready”, and that this ultimately has little to do with the quality of the women.
    It follows that there MUST be a large pool of men who are ready to commit RIGHT NOW. They are attracted to you now, and they are ready and willing.

    I repeat my assertion. You only get to choose from those willing to date you. The ball is in your court. I suggest you look for attractive qualities in the ones that ARE available.
     

  5. 35
    Zaq

    @Helen

    Artistic license !

    You have to admit that older women are loathe to acknowledge that older men may just find younger women  more attractive. 

    Trying to shame men by suggesting that it is a vain attempt to impress peers  or recapture lost youth is laughable and completely misses the point.

    Looking at a beautiful woman has the same effect on our brains as heroin.
    It is completely natural and to be expected from any healthy male.

    If you have read anything I have said on this blog, it will probably revolve around the transactional nature of dating, and the dating value we bring to the table.

    I therefore stand by the “you are what you attract” statement – in value terms.
    Therefore young healthy woman EQUALS older wealthy man
    Ugly woman EQUALS poor man
    Of course I am not suggesting it is just down to looks and money !
     

  6. 36
    Karl R

    appropriate:
    1. suitable or fitting for a particular purpose, person, occasion, etc.
    2. belonging to or peculiar to a person; proper

    Mia asked: (#33)
    “do you not think it’s justified for a woman to say that a man 20 years older than her (especially if she is under 30 and not yet at an older age herself where compromising on the partner’s age may make more sense) is not ‘appropriate’?”

    Several years ago I met a man whose wife was 30 years younger than him (she was in her mid-20s when they started dating). Because of the age gap, she was able to pursue her career full-time, while he (as a retiree) was happy to stay home and raise his children.

    This man was considered suitable by a particular person (his young wife), and he was considered suitable for a particular purpose (being a stay-at-home father). I don’t believe you’re in a position to judge whether this arrangement was proper.

    When you say a 50 year old man is not appropriate for you, you are using the word correctly. When you state that it is not appropriate for man to date a woman 20 years younger in general, I have to agree with Zaq that you’re using the term improperly.

  7. 37
    Mia

    Guys, I meant such an older man is not appropriate for me, not for everyone. But you have given me a lot to think about. The truth is, I know I could have a bf tomorrow if I stopped holding out for a man about five years older or less. Men under 35 are aloof to me beyond physical interest, while men 10-20 years older think I’m a goddess and appreciate things in my personality that my peers do not. Last year, while getting rejected right and left by early 30 somethings, I rejected a guy 20 yrs older who was tall, cute, six figure earning, social and well liked, commit ment minded, wanted to see me all the time, and refused to let me pay for a thing, even when we went out for a 300 dinner at the best restaurant in town. I thought such an age gap works be impractical for marriage, but maybe I should accept that for whatever reason, my personality type is going to be the most appealing to older men and not turn down high status, great guys bc they werent born in the 80s.

  8. 38
    Paragon

    @ Mia

    “Also, haven’t you heard of models who can’t find boyfriends, hot girls in NYC who can’t get relationships, etc?”

    I recall you lamenting once, that, while you’d be content with a slightly cute, nerdy guy, you aren’t having much luck finding one.

    And, for the sake of argument, I will assume that these models/hot girl’s you alluded to are having the same problem as you.

    It occurs, that What you may be failing to consider is, even as modest as their requirements may seem – they are holding out for a scarce resource.

    The problem is, that females really are only physically attracted to a very small margin of the male population.

    How small is small?

    Well, I think that a recent OK Cupid study lends support to the kind of dynamic that sexual evolution predicts – where some
    80% of males were deemed *below* average in attractiveness(which I think can be reasonably assumed to exclude the ‘slightly cute’ demographic).

    Now, how many of this 20% of sufficiently attractive males would you suppose are single and/or looking?

    How many still, would you suppose are disposed to a LTR?

    Are you beginning to see the nature of this problem?

    “Men under 35 are aloof to me beyond physical interest, while men 10-20 years older think I’m a goddess and appreciate things in my personality that my peers do not.”

    I think you mentioned that you were in your 20’s?

    If so, then you are at the *peak* of your attractiveness – your sexual value is *likely* at it’s highest point.
     
    It also sounds like you’ve found a niche segment of receptive, high value males.
    Unfortunately, they appear to be outside your age preference.
     
    But, it is also important to appreciate that your window of opportunity for the highest value males available to you will be starting to close from this point on – so you may want to exercise those options now, while you still have them.

    Of course you can continue playing the long odds(which are likely to become longer, as your value decreases) – just be sure you understand the implications of such a choice.

    But, as I’ve said before, some lessons are best learned *early* – use that to your advantage(or not).

  9. 39
    Ellen

    “Some guy who doesn’t call, prefers to text, sees you once in a while when it’s convenient for him, who at the same time is very intoxicating to be around, handsome, interesting, smart, funny, successful. The same guy who also drives us crazy with his murky intentions and inconsistent behavior. But is the alternative to this settling for some poor guy who doesn’t do much for me?”

    Are you my twin? Coming out of an 11 year marriage to a man that was uninterested in sex I am very concerned with attraction and sexual chemistry with a promising next partner in life. I unfortunately have found this chemistry with emotionally unavailable men. And off course with each one of them…I believe I can “help” them want to become available to me. And in each instance I find myself wondering where I went wrong when I stop hearing from them.
    The list that Evan gives is so obvious but he also hits the nail on the head as we all think we, our situations, our men are different. The advice he gives is only as helpful as the person reading it willingness to adopt and accept it.
    I AM willing but I also think my situation is different ;)
    haaha ..baby steps are better than none at all

  10. 40
    Dani

    I love men, I enjoy watching them walk, do chores, and just have an overall good feeling around them. By the same token, my mantra since grade school, is… let’s just be friends ….

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>