Am I Crazy For Wanting To Dump The Amazing Man Who Bores Me?

Am I Crazy For Wanting To Dump The Amazing Man Who Bores Me

Dear Evan,

A little history…I’m 28, divorced with two young kids, they live at home. He is 37, divorced with one teenage kid that he sees every other weekend. Here is my dilemma…. I can’t figure out if I’m attracted to him or the fact that he’s a good guy.

You wait and pray for there to be a good guy left on this earth and finally one comes along and you find him boring or at least not challenging.

What is that? Am I crazy?

He is completely into me. Calls, writes me letters, texts, takes me out, does family outings, asks about my day, washes my car, is clean, is fit, responsible, understanding, compliments me, etc, etc. We’ve been dating two months. We don’t get too much opportunity to spend alone time so we’ve only slept with each other twice. It was okay, not mind blowing or anything. I’ve had much better, but I’ve had much worse too. He’s relatively attractive but not my usual type or taste.

Am I being picky? Any other woman would think he is a great catch. I think so as well but just…I don’t know why I can’t get into him.

He’s completely fallen for me, thinks I’m strong, independent, beautiful, good mom, etc. wants to make me happy and for me to be his “girlfriend” and I can just tell the L word is coming along any day now. I can just tell and trust me, I’m not wrong on this.

Another bit of history…

So he usually gets involved with psychos that latch on to him. That is – the complete opposite of me. I like my space and I don’t care if I never see you again. Guys come and go but my family, especially my kids, are forever. It’s one of the mottos I live by. I don’t need anyone to take care of me. A guy in my life is “nice to have” but by no means a need. I think I’m a challenge for him, which is fine. But on my side of things it’s too easy.

From experience, happily ever after doesn’t exist. Sure everyone puts their best foot forward when they’re dating but who’s to say he’ll stay like that? Am I just jaded and not giving him a real chance? Or is just the reverse that I’m just not into him? Then the dilemma becomes do I let this great guy go and regret it afterward?

Can you give some advice on this? I have no idea what to do.

Thank you.

Diana

Dear Diana,

I can only imagine that thousands of women were reading your post and nodding along at the familiarity of your situation.

It’s pretty much the human condition. The people we want don’t want us. The people who want us, we don’t want. When there’s a rare exception to that rule, we call it love.

As I see it, you’re asking a few separate questions here. Let’s break them down separately, so hopefully you can find a little clarity – or, more likely, validation, for how you feel.

Question 1: Am I crazy?

No, Diana. You’re not crazy. You may be confounding to men, but you’re definitely not crazy and definitely not wrong…. Attraction is not rational. We can break it down to its elemental components, but that thing that you feel, which draws you to a man? It’s not a choice. No more than the base attraction a man has to a woman when he sees her across a crowded room.

There has been a great deal written on this, and there’s an entire industry designed to explain to “nice guys” how to attract women. In fact, it’s been turned into such a science, that you might want to take a look at it. Check out more from one of the original masters, David DeAngelo. DeAngelo puts into plain words what you just feel in your bones: confident, decisive, witty, and somewhat unpredictable men are the most attractive. Yes, it helps if he’s cute. Sure, it helps if he has money. But the attitude that plays the best with the most women is generally some version of “cocky and funny.”

Nice guys don’t finish last. Nice guys without any balls finish last.

Of course, most women outgrow men who are so cocky that they are unable to forge bonds with a woman. But the desire for a man with a little swagger never entirely wanes. I wrote about a man’s passion and proficiency just two weeks ago. In short, a guy doesn’t have to be a jerk to do well with women. He just has to be a man.

And while I hate to keep on referencing old blog posts, some of them apply specifically to this theme, especially this one, which says:

Nice guys don’t finish last. Nice guys without any balls finish last.

Which brings me to your next question.

Question 2: Am I being picky?

Let’s see… By your admission, he “calls, writes me letters, texts, takes me out, does family outings, asks about my day, washes my car, is clean, is fit, responsible, understanding, compliments me, etc, etc.”

So what do you think? Are you being picky? Or is there something more to dating and relationships than what someone does for you?

How about how someone makes you feel?

How about how you feel about him?

I think those two things are the essence of any relationship. And I think they get lost when we start focusing on checklists.

I speak from personal experience when I mention that I have broken up with some of the nicest people you’ll ever meet. I recall a brief relationship back in 2003. She had everything on my checklist – smart, silly, cute, good family, stable job, etc. What she didn’t have – what I really needed at the time – was a backbone. I just got the sense that I’d win every argument for the rest of our lives because she was such a pushover. And that wasn’t something I either respected or was attracted to. I broke up with her for a woman who was like a Sex and the City character come to life. All New York brass and Jewish sass. After a few months of phone calls, I flew to the East Coast to go on a four-day make-it-or-break-it date.

You can guess what happened next….

Exactly as I pulled away from the darling girl who would have done anything for me, Miss NYC pulled away from me. When pressed, she said I had 90% of what she was looking for – but didn’t feel the necessary attraction to start a long-distance relationship.

Your independent “I don’t need anybody” attitude is counterproductive. With it, you will get exactly what you’re asking for. Nobody.

And, in retrospect, I’m almost positive it was because I thought she was God’s gift to man. I kissed her ass. She walked away.

Much like you’re going to do to your guy at any second.

So… Question 3: Do I let this great guy go and regret it afterward?

Needless to say, I can’t tell you what to do. You can’t force attraction. But you know that great guys don’t grow on trees.

I think the X-Factor is that you’re a 28-year-old single mom. This means that you’ve been married, so you don’t feel the need to do it again. You’ve had two kids, so you don’t hear the ticking clock. In other words, you have nothing about which to panic. You can afford to be picky. Suitors will continue to line up well into your 30’s.

BUT…

Your independent “I don’t need anybody” attitude is counterproductive. With it, you will get exactly what you’re asking for. Nobody.

If that is your goal, keep pushing away the nice guys and letting the bad boys take their shots. You’ll find them attractive, but they generally won’t want to stick around with a single mom who has all your responsibilities.

As for what you should do with this guy, it sounds to me like your mind is already made up. Therefore, you have my blessing to dump him. Staying with him when your heart’s not in it is doing neither of you any favors.

Just recognize that you’d actually like this guy more if he pulled away more and cared about you less.

A bit ironic, isn’t it?

Join 9 Million Readers

And the thousands of women I've helped find true love. Sign up for weekly updates for help understanding men.

I hate spam as much as you do, therefore I will never sell, rent, or give away your email address.

Join our conversation (123 Comments).
Click Here To Leave Your Comment Below.

Comments:

  1. 31
    Shade

    It’s not rocket science. If you aren’t into the guy then leave him. Stop playing with his feelings. And I am sure another woman with some common sense would take the guy. If he bores you why keep him around? Why not suggest some things? What type of excitement is needed?
    If I had a nice woman doing those things for me how the hell would I complain? What girls try to do is change guys that are bad and disrespect them. People change themselves. I know so many of my aunts and cousins who had at least 3 great guys in their lives and they found the smallest reasons to pick at them. And now some of them are bitter and lonely or in a delusional marriage.

    Guys are held responsible for a lot of things they do and don’t do. It’s like women want us to tackle lions and stuff. I mean agree. Nobody wants a doormat. But if a respectful and nice, that’s just it. I’m a nice guy myself. I’m not into treating women all screwed up. But I am far from a doormat–and many have tested me and lost.  I have wised up and learned how to not be on the back burner and an orbiter. people have the right to like what they like is what I say. But I tell you, age does get old. And when you are on the other side of 30, single mom, screwed a few guys, those “nice” decent guys will start to look good.  And when the single moms start saying: he’s gotta be this, and that, and this. I just shake my head. Because every kid you have your value goes down. And if you got a guy writing you letters, being somewhat chivalrous, you need to wake up. But what I came to notice as my 6 yrs of dating. Women do not know what they exactly want until they get too old or have kids.  Yes physical attraction is important. That’s a given. But to nit pick at every small thing the good guy does, and then make every excuse on why to keep the bad guy, it’s pretty self-explanatory on how your date life will end up. 

    1. 31.1
      Hatoraid

      Amen. Its sad that society has gotten to into a state where humility, loyalty and a “good guy” label is frowned upon and looked at as boring and not a challenge. How stupid. I have never been into a woman and got “bored” because she wasnt “challenging” enough. that’s called playing games. And any women, no matter the age that has this type of thibking is highly immature, unnappreciative and is light years away from knowing what TRUE love is. Relationdhips require hard work, effort, patience and love. These type of women who get “bored” witha good guy disgust me. The reason you are bored is because you have a deeply flawed idea if what a relationship and reality is.

    2. 31.2
      Tina

      with each child a woman has, their value goes down?

       

      And what of the men that have ALSO produced these children, and then left them with the mother? I suppose these are the ‘nice guys’, with no baggage, whose value just continues to grow the older and more experienced they get?

    3. 31.3
      Adreana

      Shade, most men consider themselves “nice”. The problem with most nice guys is that they aren’t compelety honest with themselves or others. They could be seething with anger and resentment, but they act like they’re completely fine around their coworkers or women. Instead being being upfront ( without being a dick), they go home and vent on blogs or to their dog.

      “But I tell you, age does get old. And when you are on the other side of 30, single mom, screwed a few guys, those “nice” decent guys will start to look good”.

      If most nice guys are real with themselves, they’ll admit they hit on women way out of their league. Once these guys “hit the wall” they are more willing to give nice, regular girls a chance. I’m not saying you’re one of those guys, but it’s something I observed.

       

  2. 32
    Matty

    I was married to a man for 16 years who said to me “you know what your problem is? You are too nice, nobody likes nice”…Previous to his comment I tried very hard to convince him it’s important for us to try an activity together or just be alone without the kids once a week, but he complained that if I want to hire a sitter weekly just to go out then I shouldn’t have gotten pregnant. He was the boring one and then he became verbally abusive. So, take my advice, misery will never work into a great relationship, so you are not selfish, it’s just that he is not your match. Don’t date boring guys or “too nice” because you will only break his heart down the road. Date your type which is the adventurous type with “living in the moment” attitude without a plan.

  3. 33
    Grace

    What a bunch of selfish assholes in the world… only concerned with having the right partner rather than being the right partner. If I were a man, I’d think this women wasn’t worth my time. I couldn’t give a damn about how beautiful, strong, or independent she is. She lacks conviction.

    And how about keeping your pants on until you figure out whether or not your interests, core values, relationship expectations, and long-term goals are in alignment? That might do you some good.

    Stop fucking every guy you date. 

    1. 33.1
      Melody

      Good advice.

  4. 34
    Wendy

    I think the key statement here is:
    “He is completely into me.”

    What of HIMSELF does he bring to the relationship? Or is it all about YOU?

    I’m engaged to a great listener, after a long relationship with a lousy one with whom I felt abandoned. He’s pretty good at feedback, and keeping the conversation going. But when I’m done talking about my day, my interests, the new things I’m doing… he doesn’t have much to say. He goes into his usual “kind mode”, tells me how he loves me, how great I am. This isn’t shallow flattery. This is who he is. He is very very kind, and very very loyal, and helpful, and all those other good things.

    But he doesn’t do a lot else than get swallowed into me, however much I encourage him to NOT make me the center of his life. (Interestingly, he also has a history of “psychos”.)

    This guy sounds the same way.

    I can have this comfort for the rest of my life. But I also know that any new excitement in this relationship is going to have to come from ME. Am I ready for that? Maybe, as I’m good at constantly finding new things, and I’m quite independent also. Maybe it will be enough to come home to great hugs, a good listener, good dinner (he also does all the cooking!!)… to come home to a …. mirror of me.

    I have another three months to decide…

  5. 35
    Sergio

    Ok so after reading all of these posts about…”i was with a nice guy and he bored me….” or “lust and love have to be an equal part of the equation”…look here is the hard truth…LOVE IS NOT REAL….its basically a temporary madness that occurs when two people are ATTRACTED to each other and then eventually fades away….Nice guys generally have a harder time with women because they tend to be..well…nice. The bad boys have a clear monopoly over women because they are generally better looking and they are more narcissistic and impulsive which most women misinterpret as confidence and strong charisma. But then they are left in shambles because the bad boy will always find a hotter girl and nothing will stop them because they know the hotter girl will be as crazy about them as the previous conquest. So yeah…basically women and nice guys are screwed…sorry…

    1. 35.1
      Karmic Equation

      You’re wrong, Sergio. LOVE exists. UNCONDITIONAL love (outside of parental love for their children) is what doesn’t exist.

      Romantic love SHOULD be conditional. Should anyone stay in an abusive relationship? No.

      Romantic love should be conditioned on the other partner’s willingness and effort to maintain and grow the relationship in a healthy way. Once either party starts shirking their responsibility to the health of their relationship, the affected party needs to make some difficult decisions and have the courage to walk away.

  6. 36
    Starz

    Here’s a twist to my story…met my boyfriend(father of my daughter and has a 5 year old son from a previous relationship) from an STD dating site. We were diagnosed with herpes. (Tmi but so far we haven’t had any outbreaks since our first outbreak, thank God.) We dated for 6 months, he was a nice guy, I was attracted but not the physical type I would usually go for. Within those 5 months, he asked me 3 times to be his girlfriend, each time I wasn’t sure and kept saying I wasn’t ready for a relationship, as I was still in love (head over heels) with my Ex (good guy, super attracted, personal trainer, entrepreneur, challenged me) and heartbroken (because of the herpes news) in that 6 yr relationship. By the 6th month (although I was not fully over my Ex) I decided to give him a shot. By month 8, I got pregnant and basically moved in with him. I have been with him for almost 2.5 years. Long story short, since day one he’s been a home body: cooks, cleans, washes clothes, works full time and also watches the kids when I go out with the girls or to the gym. When we’re out he’s social but at home he just sits on the couch and watches tv all day. He’s not into sports or any other activities although if I plan an outting with the kids or just us he’s fine with going for the most part. The sex is good but I’ve had better. Now this may sound all good, and it is but I just don’t feel like he brings the best out in me. He’s not the brightest star in the sky but has some decent common sense. I just feel bored at times. He’s not interested in doing anything other than watch movies all damn day or go out IF I plan it. Intellectual conversations and spontaneity is not something he’s into, opposit of me. We’re the epitome of introvert v. extrovert. I have love for him but not in love head over heels and often question the future with him (at times he can make immature comments, turn off). Am I being selfish for feeling this way? I also don’t want to separate my family just because he can be boring and not add much when it comes to growing together in a relationship. It just feels as though I’m doing alot to stay interested and he’s doing a whole lot of nothing. Fyi I’m 28 and he’s 31. If I decide to break things off, it’ll be very challenging to find someone else like him (minus the introvert) given my situation + a child. Bottom line: I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t.

    1. 36.1
      Truth

      Another modern woman who is just incapable of being satisfied and doesn’t know what she wants. You have a kid and incurable STD and you still think you have the right to be choosy AT ALL when it comes to a guy. Amazing!

    2. 36.2
      Kyra

      It sounds like you’ve settled for less than you need and/or deserve due to your circumstances: HSV and a child. You shouldn’t do that. Dating as a single parent is hard. Dating with herpes is even harder. There are also men with HSV seeking loving partners. There are men who are single parents or want an instant family for one reason or another. You will have to put in some serious work to find and meet men like this, but we’re all here because we have one characteristic or another that is keeping us on the single’s list

      If this man is a decent man, but doesn’t add excitement, intellectual stimulation, maturity, activities, great sex or anything else that makes you feel truly happy and excited to be in the relationship you’re simply staying with him to be a “nice person,” not ruffle any feathers and hide from the difficulties of dating in your circumstance(s).

      I wouldn’t listen to anyone attempting to speak some sort of whack a** “truth” by telling you that you should just be satisfied with what you have, especially if what you have does not make you truly happy. You wouldn’t do that in any other area of your life (as least I hope you wouldn’t) and shouldn’t in your love life. A good man is a good man, but if a good man isn’t the right man, you should let him go so he can be the right man for another woman and YOU can begin the journey of finding the right man for you.

      As a single mom and an individual with HSV (I have HSV 1, so I know how difficult it can be in the dating scene) it will be hard, but it won’t be impossible. But, dating is hard for almost all of us, so you’ll have company on the road to righting your romantic life.

  7. 37
    lol crazy

    This entire response confirmed by the final words, was the longest nicest way of telling her she is crazy I’ve ever seen. She has what she wants but doesn’t want it cuz it doesn’t not want her. lmao sounds coco for cocopuffs, she wants the kind of guy she can have a reason to push away! These girls (and I say girls purposely) are not women they are girls living adult lives. A real woman grows out of this frame of thinking especially when she has children. Do you want your children to grow up with out a father figure or to grow and chase after the same worthless men you have had so far? Their is more at steak here than you childish vanity.

  8. 38
    Britney

    I hate when guys pounce on girls who want “nice guys”, but then dump them. Lemme explain something here: we DO want nice guys. Every bad guy treats us like crap and a person can only take so much of that; so when we’re over it, we never want to deal with that again. We’re not intrigued by jerks, we don’t like emotional pain. What we DO like is chemistry.
    Chemistry. That indefinable spark that can turn friends to lovers, and a relationship to new heights. Chemistry: it’s there or it’s not.
    Women have a 6th sense in picking up on it. For women, sex is very emotional, and if we’re not feeling it, it’s just an act. Guys don’t really mind too much if sex is good, bad, whatever (good sex is preferable, but some sex is better than none, right?) Women don’t see it like that. And, because society tells us to be sweet, don’t hurt people’s feelings and be people pleasers in general, we pull away. Trouble is, you guys can’t ever take a hint. You think we’re playing “hard to get”. Ooh, fun, the game is afoot! Chase is on!
    No, no, no. We didn’t like you and don’t want to sleep with you because we feel nothing. Take the last guy I dated: looked great on paper, but I couldn’t get him to converse with me. Dinner felt like an interview with yes and no answers. I’m Diane Sawyer and his lawyer’s not present. Total dial tone. After giving up on trying to talk about him, I go quiet for a full 10 minutes while he gulps his food, then we head to the movies, then I go home. Next day, he asks to go for coffee. I decide to give him another chance. Same thing. One final date- we go bar hopping, still no convo, no sexy gazes, nothing. I go home ready to write this off, and he’s driving me crazy! Texts, calls, begging to see me. WHY? WHY?! I repeat my question, WHY?! Can’t he see there’s nothing there? Neither one of us excited or even having fun. But, the more aloof I get, the worse he is about chasing. And, this is after having drunk sex on our third date I really regretted, so I know it isn’t that he “didn’t score”. No, I don’t like him, so he’s going to work to MAKE me like him. Eventually, I’ll have to tell him not interested, and no matter how gently I do it, he’ll twist it to his friends to make me seem like a b*#@% who led him on. Get some clues, guys.

    1. 38.1
      Stacy2

      I am sorry, but let me get this straight: you went out with him 3 times and had sex with him and you want him to get a clue that you’re NOT into him?

      No wonder some men are so frustrated with the whole dating thing.

  9. 39
    Shade

    I forgot that I answered this article a long time ago. Lol
    People are seeming to confuse being introverted and extroverted with treating people wrong or right. A guy can be introverted and still treat a woman bad. It’s about the personality. Now true, if the chemistry isn’t there; then it isn’t there. But, what I have always found out is that women will often sleuth out reasons on why to NOT keep the good guy i.e. he doesn’t do too much of this, or there’s gotta be something wrong with him.
    But often, I’ll here women that have bad guys say; at least I know he’s bad–at least I can see it coming. BUT…also, predictability in a good guy is seen as boring.

    What is your excitement level? If your excitement threshold is high, then it would not make sense for you to stay with a person who does not satisfy it. You cannot change people–people change themselves.

    In many cases though I have personally seen women make every excuse in the book on why they want to keep the bad guy around (and in some cases it’s: because I love him). But that is their problem. It all starts in the home. The women that go after those guys, virtually don’t know what a real man is. Because in most cases they grew up without one in the home. If a girl chooses that crazy bad guy then she is a grown woman, let her have that choice she’s entitled to–and go and get you a woman that suits you better.

    One story I got. I met a 19-year-old woman on DateHookup. The thing is that she lived 45 miles away. I had no car. No other ways of getting to her (and I clearly didn’t think it was worth it). I was about to quit the date site, and she messaged me–and without a profile picture.
    We talked a lot to eachother and shared a ton. But in the end, I cut it loose. We still talked though.

    But my gripes were that she was not aggressive enough for me. I have grown up around a strong woman; my mom. And I expected my woman to be the same. But that is unfair of me. I should like my woman for who she is regardless. The woman I met is very introverted and shy–mostly because of her family. I actually got to meet her for the first time in 3 years last week.
    It was amazing. And she was not so bad. We had a slight argument about her introvertedness.
    But then I got some sense slapped into me.
    Somebody said: She’s shy and introverted, and you don’t like it. She is who she is. You should leave her alone and stop trying to change her.

    They were right. I like her for who she is. The shy and introvertedness is something she will change herself sometimes. But who knows. Maybe I am a person that gives her confidence regarding that?

  10. 40
    Leslie G

    You have received a lot of comments and information on your question. My input to this is: if you find him boring at this point, it doesn’t usually change with time. If he is putting forth his best and you find him boring, let him go. Your not doing him any favors by spending time with him and him thinking more of this relationship than you do.

  11. 41
    Aracely Macken-Estilista

    Hola, muy bueno el post, muy util, lo compartire. Abrazos a todos

  12. 42
    Sally

    OMG… This is exactly what I’m going through right now. Perfect boyfriend, “hubby material,” never been in one fight, and he waits on me hand and foot. He is the ultimate “helper” and wants more than to “do anything for you babyyy.” I’m busy constantly by virtue of my job and he never speaks up, never gets mad at me, never even questions me. I love this because I need my independence but every day is the same – and it’s boring to me. There’s no spark on my end. He is divorced with children and I sometimes feel he talks to me the way he does his girls. For example, voicemail, “I love you babyyyys… Mmmmuah.” I just find him dorky and too nice and boring! It’s awful. I have no good reason to break up with him except that I’m not that into it. It’ll prob be the hardest breakup I’ve ever had to do. But like you said above, sounds like my “mind is already made up.” I need to listen to this! Glad to know I’m not alone.

  13. 43
    AJ81

    Interesting posts and very good read. I’m a 33 year old guy, failed marriage (rushed into) with a daughter. I’ve started dating a 31 year old woman who is amazing in every way to me. I used to be the bad guy in relationships and never had any difficulties in picking up women or casting them aside. Maybe I’ve grown up a lot since those days, but now I’m looking for that deeper something that is more fulfilling and less stroking my ego. So for the first time I’ve opened up a bit and let myself get close to this new lady in my life and it’s been awesome for a year, so I thought. She isn’t happy and doesn’t get the rip your clothes off passion with me. The irony is that she said she feels content and happy with everything except that part. Her previous relationships have left a lot of damage to her emotionally, but in the back of her mind she still craves the bad boy with whom the excitement is whether he’ll leave her. Part of her also desperately wants the nice guy who will care for her deeply. We’re taking things slow right now to see if it will all work out in the future. I want to be there to support her (she has a lot of insecurity issues), but the more I try to support her the more she takes her troubles out on me and it really does start to wear you down. I’ve reached the stage where I really feel that the best thing for her is if I walk away which goes against everything I want to do. Ladies if you find a guy you’re happy with then just remember what makes you happy with him. Otherwise you may turn around one day to find him gone because you’ve made him think you’ll be happier without him. Guys if she seems unhappy then try talking about it, try working on it, and if you can’t change it then you have to walk away for the best. I think this post wasn’t to give advice to other people but maybe to give it to myself. Nice guys don’t finish last if they run in the right race to begin with.

  14. 44
    Confused

    I gave up hope of being in a non platonic relationship at all so, I am just myself. Laid back I guess. When I cared about all this stuff I couldn’t even get 1 date cause I pretty much bored them, apparently. I just focused on them cause this is how I see it:

    If you actually care about what I do or think you would ask. That’s what I do. Every question leaves her the option, or left her the option, to reciprocate. I feel like an asshole when I just talk about myself for no reason. If that makes me a boring guy I don’t care. I love being myself.

    The funny and ironic part is that I have lots of hobbies I’m passionate about. I am a completely different person when I sing, draw, or whatever else I like doing. The fact that they never took the initiative to reciprocate allowed their assumption of me to become a reality.

    She should let this guy go so he can find a woman who puts him on a platform as well so, they will be equals. This female seems to want a man to disrespect her and ignore her by playing mind games. Too old for all that nonsense. Get real or get lost.

    When I was losing motivation and basically started telling women exactly what I was thinking I respected the ones that flat out RECIPROCATED. I had no respect for the females that were two faced and acted nice to get a favor. (As if I wouldn’t notice it lol) These same females would back stab me and slander my name when I was not around.

    When it turned out a female I was really secretly crushing on was doing this it really hurt. If she stays with this dude and he gives her something from the heart, while secretly planning to break up, he is going to be destroyed inside. Women like this is why I don’t care about this stuff anymore.

  15. 45
    reymundo

    28, divorced with two young kids, they live at home.

    are non-starters. sorry but most guys want younger women, never married, no kids.

    so go ahead and do whatever until kids are older, say going to high school with lots and lots of activities. so that will be 38 divorced with two teens living at home. will that reality be better than what your profile now?

    make your choices, but choose wisely for the long-term.

    1. 45.1
      MHL

      I never had problems dating when my children were younger.  While it will turn off some men, it is not a deal breaker to others.

  16. 46
    Agreed

    This was an amazing article. Thank you

  17. 47
    MHL

    Two and-a-half years ago I had “had it” with serial monogamy. I had had it with cheaters. I had had it with men I gave 110% to who couldn’t be bothered to do something nice in return. I had even had run-ins with abusers. It was time to make a change.

    I decided to do something different: POWER DATE. I dated like crazy over the summer. I went out with some men multiple times. Others, were one date experiences. (Their choice, not mine.)  I had no allegiance to any one person at one time because I wanted something authentic.

    I was honest. I told the men I was looking for my next relationship and would not have sex until I was monogamous. I also dated a variety of men — men who were my type and were not my type. I met a lot of nice men on both sides of that statement. I looked at it as “auditioning for the role of my next boyfriend.” It worked.

    I believe that if you think all men (women) are jerks, you’ll look for any trait that makes him (her) look like a jerk. I chose to believe that despite my experiences with jerks — and I had many of them — I’d look for the good in people. (That’s not the same as putting on blinders.) You see what you look for.

    At the end of the summer I found the man I would marry two years later.

    Does he fit my ideal list? No, not on every point. I had to make some concessions.

    I’m active and can easily work out for an hour. He’s morbidly obese but not afraid of a good workout. He’s just not consistent.

    I love deep conversations. He’s not so much into that. I’ve learned to talk to others when I want that “deep” conversation I crave.

    I like to discuss issues. He was used to women who picked fights. (One actually came after him with a knife and tried to stab him.) I had to train him to respond and not to react. It took awhile, but he finally realized that I hate, hate, hate to yell and to be yelled at. It hurts me deeply. Now, if an  issue arises, we can discuss it. Fortunately, we’ve rarely had anger issues with each other.

    He loves Sci-Fi. I sometimes think I’ll scream if I have to watch another space flick.

    HOWEVER — and this is big — we have the same relationship values. He treats me like a queen. I treat him like a king. We love the same way. He’s intelligent. We laugh together. We have similar interests. He makes me feel good about our relationship. This is huge.

    I actually added a comment about him on this site more than two years ago under a different avatar. (I don’t remember any of my login info and had to create a new one.) I went out with eight men from June through September. I did not accept every opportunity to date. When I went out with HIM, I knew I wanted to pursue the relationship further. I broke it off with the other men and focused on us.

    And, this is the irony, he got on POF to delete his account because he was ready to give up. Then, he saw me. He knew who I was because we had been in the same places together but we had never spoken.

    My profile was unique. There was none of the “I want a man, not a child” B.S. I saw on other women’s accounts. (To me, that sounds like nagging before the conversation begins.) I highlighted my personality. I posted current pictures. I focused on what I was looking for. Many men responded. I’m average looking to some, below average looking to others, and some think I’m cute. I’m not a traditional beauty, by any stretch of the imagination. Authenticity is attractive to many more men than you realize.

    And, wait for it…wait for it….

    We were both in our late 40s. (We are now in our early 50s.)

    I know the OP is feeling bored. I’d say, change your perspective and then make a decision.

    I have two theories about someone being boring. First, men cannot read our minds. If we take the initiative and suggest fun activities, many times they’ll follow. Boring is as boring does. Some people are more skilled at jazzing it up than others. If you’re bored, take the initiative and see if he follows.

    Second, sometimes two nice people are just not compatible. Pure and simple. It’s okay. Move along, if that is the issue.

    There are a lot of jerks and psycho gals in the world. It’s true. On the flip side, if  you look for good you’ll find it. It may take time to find that nice person who “does it” for you, but he/she is out there. In the meanwhile, work on yourself to ensure that you’re a good partner because, in essence, all of us have baggage.

    While I made concessions, there are no deal breakers here. We’ve worked through all the new relationship issues. From the get-go, we formed a good team.

    I’m glad we found each other. Had I based my decision to date him based on physical attraction alone, I never would have gone on that first date.

    That is all. Carry on.

     

     

  18. 48
    Anonymous

    Sounds like I could have written this myself. However I was attracted to mine. It’s only been two months for this person so true colors have not shown yet. I don’t think it’s a question of “am I into this guy” rather than maybe a gut instinct. After a few months my “Prince Charming” started getting mean. Showing signs of total narcissism. Now I’m stuck in a toxic cycle of narcissist abuse. Mental and emotional.  Then he turns into Prince Charming again to woo me back. I’m not saying all nice guys are narcissists. But in my generation of dating it seems common. And my guy is 37 as well.

    1. 48.1
      Karmic Equation

      Why are you still in your toxic relationship with your narcissist?

      To flip that on end…think about it this way, what kind of person stays in toxic relationships with men they deem to be mean and selfish?

      Women shouldn’t be complaining or explaining about being in relationships like these. She should be questioning herself in why she hasn’t left the loser yet.

      That would yield better and more meaningful results than “trying to make the relationship work because she loves him.” Love is NOT a good enough reason to keep a relationship going if your partner is a bad partner.

       

      1. 48.1.1
        Christine

        I think your questions were rhetorical but I’ll answer them anyway–the women who stick with those relationships are the ones with false hope!  When I was with a narcissist, he also knew how to turn into Prince Charming again, so I wouldn’t leave.  Those moments filled me with false hope that maybe, just maybe, it could work after all.

        To all those women out there, please do me (and yourselves) a favor and leave, as I finally did when I had enough.  And do it sooner rather than later, before you get even more emotionally attached and it becomes harder to leave.

  19. 49
    Cosibella

    When I read “So he usually gets involved with psychos that latch on to him.”

    Hmmm.  Really?

    Be careful.  He could be a bait and switcher.  Playing Mr. Perfect first.    Then, once he’s certain of your attachment, very gradually switching and stopping doing all the nice things.  Slowly managing your expectations down.  Before you know it he’ll be unrecognizable and calling all the shots.  If he’s one of these types he will be VERY GOOD at  finding  a way to make you attached to and dependent on him.  Addicted even.  It happened to me and I started out with the same indifferent attitude you did.  Never happened to me before or since.

    With theses types, once he has you where he wants you – then you become a toy to play  head games with for his own gratification.  And you’ll wonder how on God’s earth you ever got to this place.

    Some people are like this.  They play very effective psychological games with people for sport.  It makes them feel important and powerful.  They’re good at it and have done it over and over again.  Maybe he does just have bad luck with women and ends up with ‘psycho’s’.  But then again he could have something to do  with that ‘psycho’ behavior.

    This is pure speculation of course and you sound like the kind of person who would kick him to the curb as soon as any gradual  rot starts to set in.  But just wanted to present the possibility of this outcome.

  20. 50
    Silvercloud

    I don’t think you’re a bad person or necessarily looking for a man that will mistreat you simply because you aren’t into this particular guy, nice as he is….there are lots of nice people in the world and we don’t necessarily connect with all of them in a profound way.  I wonder though, if you are as independent as you say, why you are agonizing over this so much…if you really are okay with being alone and he isn’t doing it for you, why the hand wringing about letting him go to someone who will actually be able to truly care about him?  She’s out there you know…contrary to what some people here claim, in my experience, nice guys usually do find partners that love and appreciate them.  Also, maybe you should figure out whether you want to be with a guy long-term before you introduce him to your kids and go on “family outings” together…you should consider the impact on them of your casually bringing potential partners into your life…

  21. 51
    Jane bird

    Any guy who describes all or any of his exes as ‘psycho’ is not someone who (a) is capable of understanding people, women, or grasp the idea of self-respect. (b) nor does he have any respect for people he chooses to build a relationship with (c) he blames the othe party without taking any responsibility or wondering what he could have done better to make things work. (d) how he will probably describe you once you dump him to his next victim.

    I find it really rude above all and shows a lack of insight, or any attempt at trying to learn, grow, better oneself after failure.  It’s like watching a cucumber on calculus listening to him.

    Any person who describes someone they once had an intimate relationship with as ‘psycho’ (aka i have no idea what happened in my last relatioships. None if it is my fault. It’s failure is due to someone else’s deficiencies. I havent thought about it, nor do i care, next.) is either, still not ready to be in a new relationship, and or has little or no hope for improving or solving problems. Relatiosnhips are hard. Love is complex and beautiful. They take time to build, create, establish. They are forever a work in progress. This guy will never grow is my guess.

     

    Which is fine, if that’s what you are looking for in a lifelong partner, or plan on using him as a hatrack in the years to come.

    Otherwise, i’d keep looking.

     

    1. 51.1
      Karmic Equation

      A guy can be the nicest of guys, doing everything the woman wants. And she can still be a psycho.

      My bf dated was engaged to one. From the few things he’s told me about her, I suspect she was cheating on him — She constantly accused him of cheating; I also had a bf who constantly accused ME of cheating, when I was very suspicious of HIM cheating — so I strongly believe when you’re a stand-up person who doesn’t cheat but who has a partner who accuses you of cheating, that’s a tell-tale heart scenario. They’re accusing you to alleviate the guilt they feel for having cheated on. And they’re accusing you so that if you’re spending all your time defending yourself, you’re not spending anytime looking at THEIR behavior.

      Anyway, just as there are women who almost consistently choose “bad boys” to date, there are men who consistently choose “psychos” to date.

      The fact that you blame the guy for your behavior is a classic psycho defense.

      Similar to the way men who are abusers blame their women’s behavior as the what provoked them to commit abuse.

      If a person is predisposed to being an abuser or a psycho, it doesn’t take a whole lot to set them off. OTOH, for people who are NOT predisposed to being an abuser or a psycho — usually it takes an act of god (e.g., some sort of brain trauma or brain disease) to make them one.

    2. 51.2
      ScottH

      I describe all of my exes as psycho or crazy.  My ex-wife has BPD.  My first gf after divorce was a classic commitment-phobe.  She even told me she had a fear of relationships but I didn’t understand how someone who was dating and actively looking for a relationship would be afraid of one.  It made no sense to me so I kept trying.  Talk about a crazy woman.  My 2nd gf after divorce also gave me signs that she was a commitment-phobe after a couple months of dating and she eventually cut and ran.  She turned on a dime.  So yes, IMO, it can be “all their fault.”  What could I have done to make things better?  Beats the hell out of me when they’re the ones who are kooky.

      My current gf of 5+ months seems to be the first normal one.  I started to wonder if there were any.  I’ve even thrown some curveballs her way to see how she would react and she passed with flying colors, better than I could have hoped for.

      As far as not having self-respect, there is a fine line between maintaining self respect and sticking in there being hopeful and working on the relationship.

      1. 51.2.1
        Karmic Equation

        The BPD gal was certifiably crazy. lol

        I’m not sure I could categorize a commitment-phobe, man or woman, as “psycho”, though. That’s a little strong.

        That said, if people think men who are offered casual sex, but refuse it, as “crazy”, then it would make sense for those people to consider a woman who is afraid of commitment as “crazy”.

        Other than that, crazy and pyscho are adjectives for women who key cars or boil bunnies, and the stuff in between. IMO anyways.

  22. 52
    betteralone

    I’m so glad I’m not dating in this world, all that bullshit is not for me haha

  23. 53
    Anya

    Hey guys, I’ve just started dating a guy who is really nice but he is just so uninteresting and boring. I am making a conscious effort to get to know him but if I’m bored now after about 5 weeks, what will it be like in 5 months, let alone 5 years!

    He does exactly the same as Diana’s man. He’s sweet, buys flowers, even wrote a song and bought a website for me. Now I feel trapped! Or should I say obliged to stay with him.

    I’m 45 young at heart with a sense of fun. Sagi. But I fear I will always be on my own cause the ‘right’ guy just doesn’t seem to come along. It’s a tough one isn’t it?

    1. 53.1
      Jason

      Youre selfish. The guy you THINK you want isnt out there. Just appreciate the guy and stay safe or live in a world of confusion and hurt knowing that you didnt APPRECIATE the guy you have now. Trust me on this. Now go get your boring safe man and make a REAL effort to get to know him. Make him feel comfortable that you arent out to judge him but you want him to open up more. Or reget it forever.

      1. 53.1.1
        Adreana

        She is selfish for being honest with herself? For wanting a guy that makes her happy? Sorry, but relationships aren’t charity work. If she stays with him she will end up resenting him, and he will feel awful about himself.

        If you are ok having a relationship with a  boring woman kudos to you! Just because you gave up on the possibility of an exciting, loving relationship doesn’t mean the rest of us will…

        If a GROWN man hasn’t learned to open up and be fun by 5 weeks , he probably never will. Time to be realistic instead of hoping the frog will turn into a prince someday.

  24. 54
    Jessa

    women like this dissappoint the hell out of me

  25. 55
    Bart

    Am I the only one who challenges Diana on what she brings to the relationship? If you live an interesting life, you will meet interesting people. From the beginning you will be attracted to the fact that your lifestyles match.

    Diana praises her boyfriend for ‘writing letters, washing her car and taking her out for dinner’. That sounds really boring, and I mean ‘that sounds really boring for her boyfriend’. Where is the fun stuff in your life that you share with him? If you have nothing to share apart from your life as a mother around your children, than don’t expect men with more interesting lifestyles to be attracted to you.

    In my own dating experience I found this mindblowing: women with boring lifestyles who expect to find an interesting man.

  26. 56
    Katey

    The best way to tell if someone is right for you is to judge your own reaction to a phone call from them. After many years with the right kind of guy, you will still feel excited to see them calling.

    If after only a few months with someone you don’t want to answer their calls or feel suffocated (despite them being really lovely), then he’s not for you. No matter how much he washes your car or plays with your kids, you need to look forward to his calls & snuggling up to him.

    I’ve been married & am older and wiser than I used to be. I wish someone had given me this advice a long time ago.

  27. 57
    Nissa

    It surprises me that women are not recognizing this for what it is: women aren’t interested in men that lack confidence. In spite of the fact that they do like these men and are drawn to those men’s ‘nice’ qualities, they can’t get past the lack of confidence.

    Men are attracted to confidence. Women are attracted to confidence. Insecure, needy people tend to overdo giving to make the other person like them. That’s not being nice. It’s being needy, and it kills desire every time, no matter the gender.

  28. 58
    Nikki

    I love my nice guy but he is not intimate nor is he passionate. I can’t hold a deep conversation with him without him quickly shutting down. We’ve been together for 2 years, I’m still holding on because I’m so attracted and drawn to him. Its rare for me to feel so drawn to a person. I have a 7 yr old son from a previous relationship and they just don’t bond like he bonds and loves his 2 children from a divorce.  I take care of his as my own as he works 12 hrs 6 days a week. It hurts that he doesnt care for my son in the same way. He’s so good to me and he’s so intelligent. How he can’t hold an intellectual conversation or even start one is beyond me. I’m very eccentric and artistic and we don’t share the same interests other than our future goals, and hobbies. We are both quiet but i need someone to help me open up, he never tries. Being with him is as awkward as being with a group of friends and they suddenly leave me alone with the quiet guy in the corner whose been checking out my friend. I don’t feel interested nor do I feel he’s interested in me. But then again, he is the nice guy. He bought me a new truck, proposed, knocked me up, and is in the process of buying us our first house. He’s a catch, right?

  29. 59
    Sarah

    So I’m 22, and you have all successfully horrified me lol.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *