Want the Man Who Wants You!

Want the Man Who Wants You!Have you ever dated a man who fulfilled every quality on your mental checklist?

*      He’s tall.

*      He’s cute.

*      He’s intelligent.

*      He’s successful.

*      He’s funny.

*      He’s kind.

The feeling you get when you’re around this guy is amazing; you might even call it love.

In fact, let’s call it love.

Yes, let’s say that you are completely in love with this amazing man. To you, he is virtually flawless. And who am I to argue?

There’s only one nagging issue:

This man doesn’t love you back.

Time to let go of that man who has a hold on you, even though he doesn’t make any effort to make you feel special. Until you do, you’re emotionally hung up, and preventing yourself from finding true love – the kind where a man actually GIVES to you.

There’s no reason to wait for something that’s not happening.

The man who doesn’t love you the way you love him is WORTHLESS.

Don’t feel alone. Your condition is universal. Thousands of songs have been written about unrequited love, and they all have the same unhappy ending.

I’m just asking you to think about YOUR unrequited love.

Maybe he’s a co-worker whom you’ve had a crush on for the longest time.

Maybe he’s a friend who you’ve secretly been falling for.

Maybe he’s even your boyfriend – the man who’s been with you for 6 months.

Doesn’t matter.

The man who doesn’t love you the way you love him is WORTHLESS.

You KNOW you’re not getting as much love as you’re giving, but you put up with it anyway.

Why?

Because, to you, it beats the alternative: breaking up with him, feeling sad, and going back to the dating pool once again.

So even though you’re with a man who is essentially using you, you’re okay with it. Or you blind yourself to it, and pretend it’s not happening.

Oh, it’s happening.

Every day you spend with a man who doesn’t love you as you love him, you’re playing it safe, you’re playing it scared, and you’re wasting your precious time.

Somehow, you would rather give your love to a man who has no intentions of marrying you …than to free yourself up to search for the man who WILL one day marry you.

Doesn’t that sound just a bit “off” to you?

Sorry, but life is too short to spend getting the short end of the relationship stick.

It’s like a guy pining for that same woman who thinks of him as “just a friend” – spending years getting close to her, in hopes that one day, she changes her mind about him. If that man were your best friend, you’d tell him to move on to a woman who appreciated why he was amazing, instead of steadfastly waiting for her to recognize that he’s been the man of her dreams all along.

I love John Hughes and Judd Apatow movies, but that sweet, nerdy guy usually DOESN’T get the class princess, and should probably find the sweet, nerdy girl who thinks he’s amazing, wouldn’t you agree?

And that’s the unfortunate part about dating – it often creates a power dynamic that is unhealthy. You undoubtedly recognize it.

You like the man who is more unavailable. You respect him more. He’s more challenging. And yet you never know where you stand with him.

When you find the guy who instantly communicates to you that you’re the woman of his dreams, it’s way too easy. He bores you. He’s not challenging enough.

It works the same way for men. The woman who declares her love on date 1 will scare the hell out of him. The woman who makes him work for it a little bit will be the one who wins his heart.

As a result, you have this push-pull dynamic in dating where you’re supposed to be available, but not too available. Flirty but not too easy. Authentic but not saying everything on your mind. Relationship-oriented but not pushing for commitment too soon.

No wonder dating is so difficult!

You’ve probably heard that old adage that tells women to find a man who loves you more than you love him.

The idea behind this is not to create an unequal relationship where he praises the ground you walk on and you have absolutely no respect for him.

No, the idea behind “find a man who loves you more” is really about ensuring that he’s truly devoted to you.

And, if you’re like many of my amazing women clients, you always end up with really impressive men…who don’t make a really impressive effort to be devoted.

Sorry, but life is too short to spend getting the short end of the relationship stick.

My client, Melissa, is a thirtysomething doctor in South Florida. She came to me two months ago, burned out on dating, frustrated by Match.com, confused about what role she played in all of the frustrating results she was getting.

She kept ending up with attractive, fit, charismatic men who didn’t make her feel attractive, didn’t make her feel safe, didn’t make her feel loved.

Two months into coaching, she’s got a new boyfriend. They met on Match and have been together for about a month. He’s already cooked her dinner, brought her chicken soup when she got the flu, and stuck by her when her father had to go to the hospital.

Yet THAT’s the man that you very often lose respect for: the guy who treats you well, the guy who is emotionally available, the guy who earnestly tries to win you over.

He’s devoted, in every sense of the word.

It’s clear, from his actions, that he feels like HE’s the lucky one – and he’s doing everything in his power to prove to her that he’s worthy.

THAT’s the man you want in your life.

Yet THAT’s the man that you very often lose respect for: the guy who treats you well, the guy who is emotionally available, the guy who earnestly tries to win you over.

It’s not nearly as exciting as the man who keeps you on your toes because you never know where you stand. His very UNavailability is part of what makes him so attractive.

But boy, is it unfulfilling to invest so much time in a man who doesn’t give you the security you deserve.

The moral of the story is NOT to find some wishy-washy guy who puts you on a pedestal. Believe me, I appreciate it if you’re uncomfortable finding a man who loves you more.

Feel free to take off the last word if you want.

Just promise me you’ll “find a man who loves you”…not just a man whom you love.

It’s possible – but it takes an effort to do things differently. You’re not alone.

18
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Comments:

  1. 31
    Nancy

    Karll
    What makes you think that your girlfriend is some kind of expert by virtue of her having two x chromosomes?
    FYI- it is possible to date 50 lousy guys in a row. Sorry! Anyone on Match can tell you that you see the same men still on there for years! I have friends who have been on and off Match since it’s inception.
    As far as overreaction and coming on strong. That has been my experience. You have no idea what my experience is, you have not met me, nor have you met the men I have dated.
    I have not ditched one man per week, Mr. Sarcasm. Sometimes I just feel it doesn’t work after a meeting at Starbucks. Not having a second date is not the same as ditching.
    Am I picky? Yeah I am! I don’t want to get involved with another jerk like the on I married years ago.
    I have learned to look for red flags, guys putting their hands on me on the first date, professing their love on the third date, drinking five beers and showing no sign of intoxication, bashing their ex-wives, being rude to the waiters, texting and calling me non-stop early on, demanding to know my whereabouts, attempted date-rapes, no job, lying about their age, height, marital status, or anything at all.
    So Karl, as someone already mentioned, unless you or your girlfriend or your sister or your neighbor have walked in my shoes- reserve judgment!

  2. 32
    Al

    @Jadafisk

    are ya’ll okay with it when women who aren’t really interested soldier on anyway in the spirit of “giving you a chance?”

    We men like it when you are polite and direct. I went on two dates with one woman who sent me a very direct and polite email that romance for us was not “in the cards.” I agreed with that but still appreciated the message. It was painless for both of us that way.

    I was talking to a guy who wanted to maintain consistent contact, but I *dreaded* his phone calls/texts, and the contact felt like a chore.

    When it is a chore, it is no fun for you and the outcome is clear. Might as well do it sooner than later.  Some can have fun and enjoy attention from a non-LTR prospect, but not everyone. Sounds like the men you are describing aren’t fun for you on any level, so yes, you should cut them loose and look for the next prospect.

  3. 33
    Elizabeth

    I read Gottlieb’s book recently “Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr.Good Enough,” and since then I have been trying to be less picky rather than focusing on those guys I can’t get. And I’ve also started reading this blog and trying to incorporate some of the tips here. But I can’t say I’ve been having much more success. The guys I write to don’t write me back, and the few guys that write to me are not bad but not exactly what I’m looking for, though I’m continuing to write back in my efforts to be open minded.
    I’m in my late twenties; I’m not gorgeous, but I’m tall and slender; I’m well educated… I’m listening to articles like this on being willing to compromise rather than staying fixated on guys who don’t like you back, but what do you do when even after expanding your criteria, you still can’t find someone?

    1. 33.1
      Cat

      Evan has a great blog post about Lori Gottlieb’s book.

      If you’re having trouble with online dating, you should definitely check out Evan’s Finding the One Online. You don’t have to be gorgeous to do well in dating! There are lots of reasons you could be having problems…

      Also, Karl #38, great question! “Which sounds more effective: searching through the guys who want you to find one that you like, or trying to convince one of the guys who doesn’t want you to change his mind?”

  4. 34
    Katarina Phang

    Venus #23 I’m with you there.  I hear ya.  It is indeed hard to find mutual attraction.  Keep looking though.

  5. 35
    Margo

    Evan is right again! You are simply wasting yuur time if you want a man that doesn’t want you. If you chased, manipulated, and eventually did get him, in the end you’d never know if he fell in love with you or was just settling. I used to have a bf (and I use that word loosely) who admitted to me that things had changed after I pushed him for answers. 3 months into the relationship he admitted that he didn’t want anything serious after he lied in the beginning about me being his “dream girl”. Basically, he was just using me. After observing his behavior and calling him on it, if I had stuck around and been used, it would have been MY fault. Not his. He already told me by his actions what he was: A scumbag.

    Now, I have started seeing a guy who told me up front how he feels about me. I don’t have to guess. I don’t have to chase. I don’t have to convince anyone to like me. It’s a LOT better this way. He’s handsome and got a great heart too. Ladies, if a man doesn’t like you, leave it. Never accept crumbs.

  6. 36
    Nancy

    Update from the trenches
    Last night I dated yet another guy form Match. In his profile he stated that his body type is “about average”. He was at least 40 lbs. overweight. I even asked him prior to agreeing to even talking if he was overweight and he said:
    ” guess I’m more stocky then slim and could stand to lose another 10 or so to get to truly trim and toned condition.”
    Yeah right!!!!! He was obese! Was his nice? Yes. Was he smart? Yes. Did he have a nice face? Yes. Do I ever want to kiss him? No. Did he ask me out again? Yes. Now I have to do the rejection letter. Hate that.

  7. 37
    Shay

    I don’t know if this comment would be dropped by the moderator…but oh well, here goes…

    Karl (#29),

    I really admire your ability to disect comments line by line. But do you mind not over-doing it sometimes?

    It’s really helpful for everybody when you analyse the big picture or the situation of the person who email Evan for help. However, for quite a lot of people (especially ladies), this analysis could be too much for the sensitives or defensives out there…which makes people feel that they don’t know what they are talking about.

    Nancy (#31),
    I absolutely know how you feel. I have been dating or trying to date for about 2 yrs. I have met the guys who want to know my whereabouts, lie about education, old enough to be my father/uncle, testing me very frequently early on and stalker.

    I didn’t really keep count, but should be around 20-ish. Only 4 guys I’ve met and dated are decent but 3 not into me and I am completely not into 1. And I am in a country in Asia where the nutcase, abusive men, etc rates are a lot less than the US. So, I know its entirely possible for you to meet 50 lousy guys, especially if they are all from online dating sites.

  8. 38
    Karl R

    Nancy said: (#31)
    “FYI- it is possible to date 50 lousy guys in a row.”

    Let’s say a misogynist posted that “all women are bitches” and claimed that the last hundred women he dated were bitches. Would you say that, objectively speaking, he was correct? Or would you consider it a safe bet that most of the women he dated were perfectly decent, and the problem was his perspective?

    Because given his perspective, I can guarantee that he’ll feel the same way about the next hundred women.

    So … what percentage of all men would you say are “lousy guys”?

    If 99% of all men are lousy, then the odds of having 50 consecutive dates with lousy guys is 60%.

    If 98% of all men are lousy, then the odds of having 50 consecutive dates with lousy guys is 36%.

    If 95% of all men are lousy, then the odds of having 50 consecutive dates with lousy guys is 8%.

    If 90% of all men are lousy, then the odds of having 50 consecutive dates with lousy guys is 1/2%.

    If 85% of all men are lousy, then the odds of having 50 consecutive dates with lousy guys is 0.02%.

    Either the universe is conspiring to make your life miserable, or there’s something wrong with your definition of a “lousy guy” (objectively speaking). And as with that misogynist, I can make a fairly good prediction about your next 50 dates.

    Nancy said: (#31)
    “Anyone on Match can tell you that you see the same men still on there for years!”

    So have the same women. That’s particularly true for the women who have observed that the same men are on there for years.

    You’ve been on Match for at least one year. At what point in time will you take that to be conclusive proof that you’re a lousy woman? Shouldn’t you be judged by the same standard that you’re judging the men?

    I dated at least 3 women who had been on Match for over one year. They were decent women, just not a good match for me. I suspect that their pickiness caused them to spend multiple years on Match without any results.

    Nancy said: (#31)
    “Am I picky? Yeah I am!

    Then you’ll be spending years on Match, just like those “lousy guys”. I’d be interested to see what kind of mental gymnastics you go through to rationalize how those men are lousy and you’re not.

    Nancy said: (#31)
    “I have not ditched one man per week, Mr. Sarcasm. Sometimes I just feel it doesn’t work after a meeting at Starbucks. Not having a second date is not the same as ditching.”

    Thank you for proving my point. After one coffee date at Starbucks, you believe that you can tell that these men are “lousy guys”. Do you know anyone who displays their best characteristics at Starbucks?

    Nancy said: (#31)
    “What makes you think that your girlfriend is some kind of expert by virtue of her having two x chromosomes?”

    Sarahrahrah (#16) seemed to think the chromosome thing is important. I just happen to think my girlfriend is correct, which is why I included her opinion.

    My girlfriend also told me that you had just come to the blog to rant, not to get advice on how to solve your predicament. I’d say her batting average is pretty good.

  9. 39
    Regina

    Bridget #14 wrote, “do I look for someonelse that wants me more, enough to marry me.”

    If your goal is to be married one day, then you most certainly do! Otherwise, you’ll regret staying in a dead end relationship wasting precious years that could have been spent looking for the type of relationship that you want AND deserve.

  10. 40
    Katarina Phang

    Karl, you can’t help whom you’re attracted to.  You may open and allow yourself to be persuaded to like him more with time and by knowing him better -to an extent.  It may work, it may not work.  But if you don’t feel it after three dates, the likelihood he’s going to be the one is really slim.

  11. 41
    Sarah

    I get the importance of not being too picky.  I fully realize I was too picky when I was younger and had more & better options.  I am trying to not be overly picky anymore.
     
    But it’s tough.  Last year I met a guy who adored me (a little too much too soon).  In the spirit of trying to want someone who wanted me and not to be too picky, I continued giving him a chance even when red flags arose.  In the end he turned out to be one of the worst men I’ve ever known: a dishonest, manipulative, passive-aggressive, disrespectful, egomaniacal, abusive, possessive, controlling sociopath who treated me like a five-year-old who was his property and treated my friends like pawns in his game to own me.  (He was also as dumb as a post, ugly as sin, and incapable of supporting himself, let alone a wife and kids.)  Hands down I’d rather be alone than with someone like him.  But the point was that I put up with him even after his behavior became off-putting, simply because I wanted to break myself of my over-pickiness.  And I regret that; I should have kicked him to the curb much sooner and saved myself and my friends the pain he caused.
     
    So I’m having a hard time finding the right balance between not being too picky, but being picky enough.  I want to forgive and tolerate things that truly are unimportant.  But I don’t want to tolerate what is unacceptable.
     
    Right now I’m dating a guy who is overall a very good guy, but to whom I feel NO attraction and I can’t help getting irritated by certain things about him.  He’s a man of integrity and intelligence, the right age for me, with a good job and a good family.  However, conversing with him sometimes leaves me feeling no more heard and understood than if I were alone.  We talk about superficial things.  Sometimes (in fact very often) it seems like he doesn’t listen to what I’m saying and isn’t interested.  I’ve noticed that he uses more “I” statements than “you” statements; for example, when asking for a date he’ll say “I’d like for you to…” rather than “would you like to…?”  The overall impression is that he’s somewhat self-centered, more interested in me knowing who he is and what he thinks than in knowing about me.  It doesn’t help that the thought of kissing him turns my stomach.  (But the truth is I think that has more to do with his personality than his physicality.)
     
    I don’t know if these things are tolerable or not.  I may be trying too hard to stop being overly picky that I’m going in the opposite direction… or maybe that’s an excuse from my overly picky nature.

    1. 41.1
      Dina Strange

      If the thought of kissing him turns you stomach, you are wasting your time. Believe me, i tried to be with someone without physical attraction and it does NOT work. Ever!

  12. 42
    Sayanta

    Karl

    Good points above but I have to disagree with the one date at starbux comment. A decent polite person who’s will be on his best behavior whether he’s at Starbucks or a 4 star restaurant. I was on a Starbucks date a couple of weeks ago where the guy was sour-faced snapping at me every other sentence and ‘crap’ was every third word out of his mouth. I don’t need to date him again to know that this is not b-friend material.

    1. 42.1
      Cat

      It sounds like a lot of you need to pre-screen better instead of going on these bad dates! Evan covers this in Finding the One Online.

  13. 43
    Ruby

    You can complain or you can persevere. 

    I’d be hard=pressed to say that the last 50 guys I’ve dated have all been bad, and I’m in my late 40’s, so my dating pool ain’t what it used to be. Certainly, many of the men I’ve dated have been weird, arrogant, non-committal, rude, troubled, etc. But some of them have also been decent guys that I just didn’t click with. Probably the hardest dating lesson I’ve learned over time is that sometimes even a nice guy can be not so nice if he isn’t all that interested in you.

    I also believe in doing a fair amount of screening PRIOR to meeting to weed out the useless ones early on, if possible. If I don’t I have a good feeling about someone during the first phone conversation, I don’t meet him. I’d rather have fewer, better dates (even if relationship material isn’t there), than too many lousy ones. 

    I just finished reading Christie Hartman’s excellent It’s Not Him, It’s You. She talks about the difference between being picky (focusing on superficial qualities), and being discriminating and looking at a man’s deeper qualities. It can take a lot of time to find a man with whom you have both chemistry AND compatibility. Perhaps I’d feel differently if i wanted to have kids, but I’m not a fan of settling, and I’m not interested in a so-so relationship. I’d rather be a happy single person, than a dissatisfied, or even unhappy, person with a boyfriend. 

  14. 44
    kenley

    If you do not feel good about yourself when you are around a man — that means do you feel accepted, cared for, heard, liked and loved, then drop him.  It’s as simple as that.   No one said you can’t be picky or discerning.  You can be — just about the things that matter to YOU for a happy and fulfilling relationship.  When you are with him, do you feel like you are and can be your truest and best self?   if yes, then he is a good guy for you.  If you don’t feel that way, then the guy isn’t right for you.  Notice I did not say do you want to rip his clothes off and hop in bed right away (that’s often what chemistry feels like).  I said do you feel good around him, and yes, are you attracted to him?   Is this guy hard to find?  Yes, he can be,  but your only option is to stop looking or to continue to look, but look with a positive attitude.

  15. 45
    Karl R

    Sayanta said: (#42)
    “I have to disagree with the one date at starbux comment. A decent polite person who’s will be on his best behavior whether he’s at Starbucks or a 4 star restaurant.”

    Would you consider politeness to be your best quality? The quality that makes you stand out from other women?

    I suspect you’re a little deeper than that. The same applies to most men and women.

    The best people shine in the worst situations. And coffee dates (even with rude, foul-mouthed dates) don’t get that bad.

    Katarina Phang said: (#44)
    “you can’t help whom you’re attracted to.”

    So you’re saying that if an 80 year old contacts you online, you can’t help that you’re not attracted to wrinkly, saggy old people. Am I understanding you correctly?

    You better hope that you’re wrong. Because if you and your husband live long enough, both of you will be wrinkly, flabby, saggy old people. And if you can’t help whom you’re attracted to, your marriage is going to suck.

    Katarina Phang said: (#44)
    “But if you don’t feel it after three dates, the likelihood he’s going to be the one is really slim.”

    That’s also about three times the time that most people give someone. In the example Sayanta gave (#42), one date is more than enough. But that’s not the typical coffee date.

    Ruby said: (#45)
    “She talks about the difference between being picky (focusing on superficial qualities), and being discriminating and looking at a man’s deeper qualities.”

    If you’re ruling someone out for one of those deeper qualities (lack of kindness, unreliability, etc.), then it works in your favor. If you’re focusing on superficial traits, then you’re either making your search more time-consuming, or you’re distracting yourself from looking at the deeper qualities.

  16. 46
    Venus

    @ Al (25)  Thanks for that!  A little light at the end of the tunnel is all that’s needed.  :-)    In the meantime I think I shall get started working on that PHD. 

  17. 47
    Katarina Phang

    Karl #47, no you can’t.  If you grow old with the one whom you were attracted to to begin with, you will stay attracted to him/her provided that your relationship evolves beyond the physical as healthy relationships will/should.  

    Sometimes one date is enough to establish if you are going to be attracted to someone.  The “maybes” get more dates, but the “no’s” why waste time on them?  I know for sure within seconds meeting them if I’m NOT going to be attracted to them ever.  I might not be so sure with those whom I think “Maybe if I know him more I will feel more chemistry.”

    Physical attraction might sound shallow but without it there is no fuel to sustain the relationship.  Just a fact.  (Unless of course you are a believer in an arranged marriage).

  18. 48
    Susan

    This article is dead on.  I just ended a relationship with a guy that I was really attracted to, but who never made me feel special and left me feeling extremely insecure about the relationship, myself, etc. He never called & only texted. He never made me feel safe & valued.
    Now I’m dating a guy who I normally wouldn’t have considered, but who has been the best thing ever.  He schedules our next date a week in advance (we don’t see each other more often due to my schedule and not his), he calls me almost every day just to see how things are going, he’s really nice (not just with me, but with his friends and family as well), he’s solid, consistent, etc. I never would have chosen him if I hadn’t completely changed my dating focus after reading Evan’s articles. He’s not the hottest guy in the world and he isn’t charismatic, but he’s just about the nicest, most thoughtful guy and I would rather have that over hot any day.  :)

  19. 49
    Sayanta

    Karl

    I’m confused by your response to my starbucks comment. It appears that you agree that my date was rude and foul mouthed. Yet you say dates don’t get that bad. Um – yeah it got bad. I was there. ;-)

    I don’t think you’re advocating giving men like this second dates? And I do think politeness is a sign of having qualities like respect and empathy.

  20. 50
    Selena

    Kenley,
    I really like what you wrote in #46.

    I’ve come to the idea that there is only one criteria when it comes to choosing someone: Do I feel good being with this person?

    All positves and negatives (any kind of list) become irrelevant when this is the focus.

    And I’m curious, does any know if Gottlieb found her “Mr. Good Enough”?

  21. 51
    Regina

    Sarah #41
    It all boils down to knowing what you want and are looking for in a partner. There’s nothing wrong with being picky as long as you’re being realistic regarding what it is you are being picky about. However, if there’s no attraction and this guy has personality traits that are off-putting, then you need to let him go. Otherwise, you are wasting both his time and yours.
    Experience has taught me that it’s better to be single and alone, than to be in a relationship with someone whom we are simply settling for, or who is settling for us.

  22. 52
    Sayanta

    Selena, #52-

    No, I don’t think she did, but I could be wrong.

  23. 53
    Ruby

    Karl R #47

    There is a big difference between growing old with someone you are attracted to over time, and being contacted for a date by an 80 year old when you’re 40. I’ve read that couples who grow old together don’t really notice the white hair and wrinkles, they still see the person they first fell in love with. 

    I’m not following your comment about Sayanta’s coffee date either.

    “She talks about the difference between being picky (focusing on superficial qualities), and being discriminating and looking at a man’s deeper qualities.” 

    Yes, Hartman is advising women to be discriminating, not picky.

  24. 54
    starthrower68

    @ Nancy #31,

    One hasn’t truly arrived on this blog unless Karl has dissected our statements point by point.  I think it’s like an initiation or something.  As for me, since Karl has done the math, I think from now on I’ll do linear equations before I decide if I’m going to date a guy or not. ;D

  25. 55
    Al

    @Nancy
    Liars annoy me too. You sound frustrated, angry, and bitter. Right now, I doubt you are emotionally available even to a “perfect” eight who might otherwise be into you.
    Is your divorce finished yet? Some underestimate the impact of dueling a former partner. Your perspective might change when that document is in your past.
    Regardless of the whys, I recommend a break from dating.  Finish your divorce. Once done, be nice to yourself for a few months.  Do things for Nancy. When your eye wanders to handsome men on the street without reflexively thinking “I wonder what is wrong with him?”, unhide the ol’ profile and maybe you will have a better time. If that fails consider a match-making service instead of Match.com. They screen their clients.

  26. 56
    Kurt

    I disagree with Evan on one point – he indicated that men would get bored with a woman who made it really clear to a man right away that she was really into him.  I disagree – if the woman is hot enough, most men would be totally flattered and might even consider the woman to be marriage material if she is of good character.  I certainly wouldn’t be bored with a hot woman who was totally into me.
     
    I am pretty sure that the opposite is not true – women really do seem to get bored with attractive men who are into them from the start for some reason.

  27. 57
    Diana

    To Sayanta #42, agreed. While a typical coffee date is pretty innocuous, it’s the individuals that really set the date’s tone. If I meet someone new for coffee, I expect he’ll be on his best behavior, as will I. If he’s foul mouthed or crude, wherever we are, there will be no further dates with me. I want a man who is respectful of himself and others, and that type of behavior doesn’t put him in that category for me.

  28. 58
    Margo

    @Sarah, if the thought of kissing a man turns your stomach, why in the world are you dating him??

  29. 59
    Regina

    Like Evan says, “want the guy who wants you.” However, if you feel zero chemistry for the guy that wants you, then it’s no different than feeling chemistry for someone whom you want, but who doesn’t feel the same way about you. The shoe is simply on the other foot. In that case, it’s a no-win situation.

    There are no guarantees in life. That’s where finding happiness and contentment in being single and unattached comes into play. In other words, create your own happiness and live a rewarding, fulfilling, single life with the attitude that if you happen to meet that special someone – great – if not, at least you put yourself out there and gave it a shot.

    Just my two cents!

  30. 60
    Jadafisk

    I say this as a young woman with a strong sex drive… by the time I am 80 (unlikely I’ll live that long), I will not be interested in and/or physically able to have sex, and any husband I would’ve had will probably have died. For most people, this is the case and therefore, it’s a non-issue.

    Also, the impact of aging undermines the point. Whoever you (rhetorical you, not literal you) get with, from a physical attractiveness standpoint will only get less appealing as time goes on… if you’re testing the margins of who you’re attracted to in the first place and/or vice versa, this *will* become a problem before the couple’s engines run out of steam.

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