Want the Man Who Wants You!

Want the Man Who Wants You!Have you ever dated a man who fulfilled every quality on your mental checklist?

*      He’s tall.

*      He’s cute.

*      He’s intelligent.

*      He’s successful.

*      He’s funny.

*      He’s kind.

The feeling you get when you’re around this guy is amazing; you might even call it love.

In fact, let’s call it love.

Yes, let’s say that you are completely in love with this amazing man. To you, he is virtually flawless. And who am I to argue?

There’s only one nagging issue:

This man doesn’t love you back.

Time to let go of that man who has a hold on you, even though he doesn’t make any effort to make you feel special. Until you do, you’re emotionally hung up, and preventing yourself from finding true love – the kind where a man actually GIVES to you.

There’s no reason to wait for something that’s not happening.

The man who doesn’t love you the way you love him is WORTHLESS.

Don’t feel alone. Your condition is universal. Thousands of songs have been written about unrequited love, and they all have the same unhappy ending.

I’m just asking you to think about YOUR unrequited love.

Maybe he’s a co-worker whom you’ve had a crush on for the longest time.

Maybe he’s a friend who you’ve secretly been falling for.

Maybe he’s even your boyfriend – the man who’s been with you for 6 months.

Doesn’t matter.

The man who doesn’t love you the way you love him is WORTHLESS.

You KNOW you’re not getting as much love as you’re giving, but you put up with it anyway.


Because, to you, it beats the alternative: breaking up with him, feeling sad, and going back to the dating pool once again.

So even though you’re with a man who is essentially using you, you’re okay with it. Or you blind yourself to it, and pretend it’s not happening.

Oh, it’s happening.

Every day you spend with a man who doesn’t love you as you love him, you’re playing it safe, you’re playing it scared, and you’re wasting your precious time.

Somehow, you would rather give your love to a man who has no intentions of marrying you …than to free yourself up to search for the man who WILL one day marry you.

Doesn’t that sound just a bit “off” to you?

Sorry, but life is too short to spend getting the short end of the relationship stick.

It’s like a guy pining for that same woman who thinks of him as “just a friend” – spending years getting close to her, in hopes that one day, she changes her mind about him. If that man were your best friend, you’d tell him to move on to a woman who appreciated why he was amazing, instead of steadfastly waiting for her to recognize that he’s been the man of her dreams all along.

I love John Hughes and Judd Apatow movies, but that sweet, nerdy guy usually DOESN’T get the class princess, and should probably find the sweet, nerdy girl who thinks he’s amazing, wouldn’t you agree?

And that’s the unfortunate part about dating – it often creates a power dynamic that is unhealthy. You undoubtedly recognize it.

You like the man who is more unavailable. You respect him more. He’s more challenging. And yet you never know where you stand with him.

When you find the guy who instantly communicates to you that you’re the woman of his dreams, it’s way too easy. He bores you. He’s not challenging enough.

It works the same way for men. The woman who declares her love on date 1 will scare the hell out of him. The woman who makes him work for it a little bit will be the one who wins his heart.

As a result, you have this push-pull dynamic in dating where you’re supposed to be available, but not too available. Flirty but not too easy. Authentic but not saying everything on your mind. Relationship-oriented but not pushing for commitment too soon.

No wonder dating is so difficult!

You’ve probably heard that old adage that tells women to find a man who loves you more than you love him.

The idea behind this is not to create an unequal relationship where he praises the ground you walk on and you have absolutely no respect for him.

No, the idea behind “find a man who loves you more” is really about ensuring that he’s truly devoted to you.

And, if you’re like many of my amazing women clients, you always end up with really impressive men…who don’t make a really impressive effort to be devoted.

Sorry, but life is too short to spend getting the short end of the relationship stick.

My client, Melissa, is a thirtysomething doctor in South Florida. She came to me two months ago, burned out on dating, frustrated by Match.com, confused about what role she played in all of the frustrating results she was getting.

She kept ending up with attractive, fit, charismatic men who didn’t make her feel attractive, didn’t make her feel safe, didn’t make her feel loved.

Two months into coaching, she’s got a new boyfriend. They met on Match and have been together for about a month. He’s already cooked her dinner, brought her chicken soup when she got the flu, and stuck by her when her father had to go to the hospital.

Yet THAT’s the man that you very often lose respect for: the guy who treats you well, the guy who is emotionally available, the guy who earnestly tries to win you over.

He’s devoted, in every sense of the word.

It’s clear, from his actions, that he feels like HE’s the lucky one – and he’s doing everything in his power to prove to her that he’s worthy.

THAT’s the man you want in your life.

Yet THAT’s the man that you very often lose respect for: the guy who treats you well, the guy who is emotionally available, the guy who earnestly tries to win you over.

It’s not nearly as exciting as the man who keeps you on your toes because you never know where you stand. His very UNavailability is part of what makes him so attractive.

But boy, is it unfulfilling to invest so much time in a man who doesn’t give you the security you deserve.

The moral of the story is NOT to find some wishy-washy guy who puts you on a pedestal. Believe me, I appreciate it if you’re uncomfortable finding a man who loves you more.

Feel free to take off the last word if you want.

Just promise me you’ll “find a man who loves you”…not just a man whom you love.

It’s possible – but it takes an effort to do things differently. You’re not alone.


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  1. 91

    @Margo #87,

    My tone was harsher than I meant for it to be when I responded to your post.  I apologize for that.  I didn’t mean to be so contentious.

  2. 92

    Starthrower, no need for apologies. I didn’t take your post as hostile in any way. You were just telling it like it is. :)

  3. 93

    Hmm! I would like to see less critiquing of others opinions and more of your own!
    I am a 50 something single white female and am constantly being pursued by younger men.  Men with morals, integrity and excellent salaries are available in all age groups.  I don’t want a fling, but am looking for that person that I am attracted to on all levels:emotional, physical and intellectual.  There are some real jerks in the dating world, and there are some real psychos, and there are some real losers, and there are some really great guys out there for those willing to sift through the dross.  Sometimes you just can’t tell the difference until you get to know them, and the outcome is not always pleasant.  Just because someone wants you, doesn’t mean you want them.  The real challenge is in knowing the difference and discovering that person that wants you and that you want; that is matched morally to you and that wants to be loved and love.  There are some men that just want to be “playboys” and there are some women who consistently move from one short term relationship to another, having no intention of becoming a LTR.  You can’t tell the difference with them sometimes either, until getting to know them.  You can feel that your time is wasted, but I choose to think of my time as well spent, because I am looking and seeking the one that is right for me.  Yay!  I am making the effort to go out with different types of men to discover that one.  And he is willing to meet with me to discover if I am the one for him.  Isn’t that what dating is supposed to be about anyway?

  4. 94

    In my case, more than once, once I started responding to guys who were acting like they were into me or want me, once I started showing I liked them, they stopped being into me and gave me the cold shoulder, which is frankly even more painful for me…

    Juniper @ 91 brings up something that’s been brought up and brought up by ladies, and not just in this thread.  Yet it continues to go unaddressed …

  5. 95

    Now you know what it is like being a guy! Every male experiences of responding to women/girls (yes, this goes all the way back to middle school) who were acting like they were into us, and then get shut down. Turns out we weren’t responding to interest. We read too much into whatever they were doing. No doubt in Juniper’s case she is misreading these men.  Yes, it does smart.  You have to  get used to it or resign yourself to being single aeturnus/aeturna.

  6. 96

    Perhaps a better title for this blog post would be “Don’t Want the Man Who Doesn’t Want You!”

  7. 97

    I agree with much of what Evan is saying, but I have to challenge this a bit. I had been with one guy for almost 5 years that wanted to marry me (and called me since our break up) and he put me on a pedestal.
    At the same time, though, there were a number of red flags. I eventually realized he was critical at times of me and my friends and just had no ambition. He also carried a lot of financial debt. The final dealbreaker involved a relative of mine and he was upset that I wouldn’t agree to what he wanted.
    So right now, I’m just going to date for fun, I will state what I want and don’t want. And if the guy doesn’t want it or can’t compromise, that’s fine.

  8. 98

    reading he topic i can confirm its true. i have been in a relationship with someone who had other friends which were ladies he is very kind and helpful to everyone. He left his e-mails open and I read loving messages to a few women with such romantic words he has never used for me. he know sI have read them and feels awful but assures me he loves me. I can’t get rid of the messages from my head but find it hard to make the break. this is the third time I have lived apparantly a double life with men carrying on behind my back,     I think its now time to ditch men completely they can never be trusted but how do I  get through the break?

  9. 99
    khushboo patel

    Excellent post Evan……I have just realised my mistake……will b following what u have suggested….

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