Why Attracting The Wrong Men Isn’t The Real Problem

This is the second video based on the questions YOU wanted answered in my big survey. Last week, I shared with you the revelation that men are about feelings, not just looks. And that the reason a man will want to marry you has everything to do with how he feels when he’s around you. Make him feel good, and he’ll want to say. Make him feel bad, well, you know the rest.

That idea was not to say that you’ve done anything wrong – you might be the sweetest, most loving, perfect girlfriend ever. I just think it’s surprising to women that men are really driven by their feelings – namely, how they feel around you.

Which is a perfect segue to today’s video, in which you will definitely find yourself nodding your head. After you listen to what I have to say, I’m confident you are going to save yourself YEARS of wasted time in the future.

YouTube Preview Image

You Don’t Attract the Wrong Men. You ACCEPT The Wrong Men.

What happens when you find yourself incredibly attracted to a man? Well, there’s the feeling of chemistry and everything that comes along with it – the obsessive highs that come with wanting to be with him, the joy of feeling incredibly connected, and, what you may forget, the willful blindness that allows you to overlook his flaws.

That’s one of the most miraculous things about chemistry: it allows you to focus only on the good and ignore all the bad.

This was incredibly apparent to me when I read your questions in my survey and received hundreds of comments from women attributing your relationship failures to attracting the wrong men. First of all, let’s get one thing straight…

MOST men are the wrong men. If you were an average woman, you’d be able to be with an average man and be content. Since you’re an above average woman – smart, strong, successful – your standards are going to go up accordingly.

By this point, you’ve forgotten the third rule of chemistry: it allows you to focus only on the good and ignore all the bad.

So if, by your standards, 95% of men are the WRONG men, it makes it that much harder to find ANY guy to date, and makes each new man who does qualify seem all the more important. Once a guy passes through your strong chemistry filter, he’s in.

By this point, you’ve forgotten the third rule of chemistry: it allows you to focus only on the good and ignore all the bad.

Which is why you can have incredible chemistry and end up in a TERRIBLE relationship, where he doesn’t call you, doesn’t sleep with you, doesn’t compliment you, doesn’t make you feel safe, and doesn’t commit to you.

But you stick around because of how strong your rare FEELINGS are. You’ve now discovered the real secret to why you’re in dead end relationships:

You don’t attract the wrong men, you accept the wrong men.

If you consistently find yourself in relationships with liars, cheaters, addicts, leeches, or commitmentphobes, your job isn’t to get them to stop lying, cheating, drinking, mooching or committing. Your job is to leave.

At a certain point, it’s not his fault for being fundamentally flawed.

It’s your fault for thinking that your chemistry is powerful enough to change your broken relationship. Remember, most men are the wrong men. Men with chemistry are the ones who break through, but you give them a free pass.

You’ll never stop attracting the wrong men, but starting now, you can stop ACCEPTING the bad behavior of the wrong men… and save yourself years of heartbreak and pain.

18
8

Join 5 Million Readers

And the thousands of women I've helped find true love. Sign up for weekly updates for help understanding men.

I hate spam as much as you do, therefore I will never sell, rent, or give away your email address.

Join our conversation (81 Comments).
Click Here To Leave Your Comment Below.

Comments:

  1. 31
    Melinda

    Thanks Evan,

    I just pulled the plug on one of those horrid “mixed message” guys… you know the guy you’re sleeping with that says he’s thinking about you (after not contacting you for a week at a stretch), but then calls himself “a lousy friend” for not keeping in touch! Ouch! I asked myself: Why am I putting up with that?

    I just emailed him a nice, short “thanks, be happy, good luck” note and have decided that there are too many handsome successful guys that are looking for exactly what I am… and this ONE dude is not my be all end all. I saw your video yesterday and this morning, I just woke up and realized that I need to accept the right people into my life.

    Personally, I am not looking to get serious right away with anyone, but I do have a standard of treatment I want from a man. If he falls below that equator, it’s my acceptance that’s the problem, not his behavior… I get it now! Thanks!

  2. 32
    yvonne

    Evan’s statement that we “don’t attract the wrong guy, we accept the wrong guy” was truly an “aha” moment for me. WOW! Yes, I was blinded by the chemistry that I had for this particular guy but like Rachelle mentioned about the guy she was with, he only did just enough to keep me around. Finally I had to let him ago because I finally realized that I deserved so much more than what he was willing to give me which was close to nothing.

  3. 33
    mic

    Unfortunately, not accurate. Plenty of women attract the wrong men. Dress trashy and only the bad men will be likely to approach. Or put little effort into appearance and only hypersexual men (often bad) are likely to approach.

  4. 34
    juliette

    so…….. WHAT ABOUT THE CHEMiSTRY PART? DO i go for someone i don’t have chemistry with?????? this question has been eating at me for a few months (ever since i became singLe again- YES, EVAN, i LEFT THE “WRONG MAN”! WOOHOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!). i reaLLy want to make sure my next choice is the “RiGHT” choice. i do nOt want to hurt Like i did and i’m READY for “THEE one.” no more messin’ around! : ) not to brag, but i have a sLew of men pursuing me, i find myseLf intrigued with the ones that seem to have somethin’ eLse goin’ on, Like, perhaps a GiRLFRiEND or the fact that they don’t have the quaLities i reaLLy WANT in a man…
    do i go for the dorky one who i’m not physicaLLy attracted to? but has Lots of interesting things to taLk about?
    p.s. you are theeeeee BEST!
    ~juliet~

  5. 35
    Freda

    Bravo Evan. Not only have you given me an AHA moment, but gave my self esteem a little adjustment. As women we can sometime get caught up in the chemistry and believe that love will cure all. The truth is, a relationship is about how YOU feel (as well as your significant other). If it doesn’t feel good, all the chemistry, love, etc., will not cure it. Chances are, the more try to make it better, the worse it will get if the other person is not putting in the effort. I am three months out of such a relationship and am just beginning to realize how exhausting it was. I have learned my lesson and won’t fall for someone that does not make me feel good in the relationship again! Thanks a bunch!

  6. 36
    Ruby

    Juliette #33

    I don’t thing chemistry in and of itself is bad. Chemistry that blinds you to the fact that you’re not being treated the way you’d like is bad. Chemistry in combination with a man who treats us well is the key.

    Sayanta #29

    I think this is an example of what you’re getting at: I’ve had a couple of men tell me that they weren’t really looking for anything serious, but they really liked me, so they were “open to seeing where things go with us”. In the past I would have given them a chance only to be told a few months in, when things were stagnating, that “I told you I wasn’t looking for anything serious” (conveniently leaving out the “seeing where things go” part), but now, as a result of reading this blog, I’ve learned that “not looking for anything serious, but being “open to seeing where things go”, is code for “things are probably not going anywhere, but I’ll string you along for awhile while I get what I want”. I now know that these sorts of comments raise a red flag for me.

  7. 37
    sayanta

    Ruby #36-

    Second paragraph- that’s right- that’s along the lines of what I was thinking…

  8. 38
    Karl R

    Steve said: (#26)
    “Wow, that sounds like one ugly scene that you are witnessing. What type of dance is taught in that class?”

    I’m not certain what difference the style of dance makes. The man knows several styles of dance: a couple types of swing and a few country western styles. The woman probably knows a few styles as well.

    In the social dance scene, most people are involved because they love dancing. However, some men and women learn to dance in order to meet potential dates. The people who are out hunting dates tend to stick out like a sore thumb. Ironically, the single people who are dancing because they love to dance tend to end up dating a lot more than the single people who are only dancing because they’re trying to get dates.

    The man and woman I mentioned earlier (#17) are both trying to meet dates.

  9. 39
    Beth Vesel

    You don’t attract the wrong men you accept the wrong men. I don’t know why but when I read that statement I just burst into tears. It’s been nearly 3 months since I attracted who I thought was the right man–chemistry, treating me well, unselfishly & then somewhere he got derailed and so did I. Until you made that distinction detween attracting and accepting I couldn’t get out of knowing that a man is into me and cares about me & yet can’t give me what I want. The fact is that he changed–not me and though I attracted him he has rendered himself unacceptable by his selfish behavior, mixed messages and unloving and uncaring actions. If I only have two things to chose from–him or myself I chose myself.

  10. 40
    Eileen

    I am loving these new videos! Keep em coming!

  11. 41
    TripleM

    To Ruby # 36 — So you immediately discard any guy who says “I’m not looking for anything serious, but I like you, and I’m open to seeing if something develops.” ??? People don’t fall in love at the drop of a hat — I can see saying being up front in response and saying “Well, fine, let’s give it a few months, but I *am* looking for something serious, and if this turns out not to be, I’ll be moving on.” But to expect someone who has just barely started to get to know you to say “Why, yes, I know right now that I’m going to want to stay with you and only you forever” just seems . . . odd to me.

  12. 42
    Kim

    Food for thought. I thought I’ve been attracting the wrong guys for the past 5 years I’ve been seriously seeking my life partner. Now a twist to this, that I am accepting them. I like the thought and I think it’s something I can work with because it gives me the ownership- I’m accepting is more of an action than I’m attracting which is more passive. Thank you for that new perspective. It’s definitely something I should work on.

  13. 43
    Ruby

    TripleM #41

    No, I have always given people a chance for the reasons you state. Well, fine, let s give it a few months, but I *am* looking for something serious, and if this turns out not to be, I’ll be moving on. is exactly what I’ve said and done in those situations. Of course, you can’t know if someone is right for you immediately. But in my experience someone who is INTERESTED in a serious relationship has that in mind from the get-go. It’s called readiness. The ones who have said “I’m not looking for anything serious” usually aren’t ready, and on some level they are giving you fair warning. Actually, they don’t even want to break up, but would rather keep things casual indefinitely.

  14. 44
    Ruby

    …Or they are just not that into you. Whatever the reason, “I’m not looking for anything serious” tends to be an excuse to keep one foot out the door.

  15. 45
    Helen

    When things are stated in too black and white a format, that’s when I feel somehow uneasy, though it’s difficult to articulate why. I just feel that something is off by labeling each man as either “right” or “wrong.” And the statistic jars me too: 95% of men are “wrong”? I find that very hard to believe. I think most men have the capability of being decent partners; it does, after all, involve some compromise on the woman’s part as well.

    But on the other hand, it all depends on how picky both the woman and the man are, and how much they want a relationship. THAT is the ever-moving target, which makes it so hard to slap on labels such as “right,” “wrong,” and 95%.

  16. 46
    Lisa

    Hi Evan! I just wanted to say (as a first-time commenter), this post was GREAT! I absolutely end up in relationships with guys who don\'t make me feel great about myself (not calling, not making plans with me, etc) and seeing this made me realize it wasn\'t that I was a bad girlfriend or doing something wrong–it\'s that I am choosing the wrong guys.

    Made me feel a lot better!

  17. 47
    Mandy Caron

    Every moment your spending on a guy who’s not giving you the time of day is another moment you arent looking for the right guy

  18. 48
    Luxe

    This is a great perspective! My problem is, is that I can never really figure out if someone isn’t right for me until I reach my end point. How can you tell if something is minor and something is a breaking point? It’s hard for me to tell because I tend to go about my relationships trying to keep an open mind. Which ends up making me compromise something. I guess only experience will guide you.

  19. 49
    Sarah

    Hi,
    Thank you so much for your video and blog concerning attracting the wrong type of men. This video has made me feel so much better and I greatly appreciate it :)

  20. 50
    Karl R

    Luxe asked: (#48)
    “My problem is, is that I can never really figure out if someone isn’t right for me until I reach my end point. How can you tell if something is minor and something is a breaking point?”

    In relationships, people’s behavior falls into three categories:
    1) their best behavior
    2) the way they act most of the time
    3) the way they act occasionally

    It sounds like the “best behavior” isn’t causing you any trouble. You’re seeing some behavior that you don’t like. You just need to determine whether it’s the way the person acts most of the time, or if it’s an occasional issue.

    For example, Mr Right turns out to be Mr Always Right. That’s the way he is most of the time, and it’s probably a relationship killer.

    On the other hand, another guy might always insist that he’s right when he’s talking about cars (even if you know more about them than he does). Or he might always have to be right when he’s around his brother … but be perfectly reasonable the rest of the time. In that case it’s an occasional problem. It still might be frustrating, but you can probably work around it if you choose to.

    Some behavior is intolerable even if it’s infrequent (infidelity, violence, abuse). If you see a behavior that you find intolerable even on an occasional basis, then you have your answer.

    I can tolerate some behaviors even if they occur most of the time. I had a couple girlfriends who were always late. A lot of the time, it didsn’t matter whether we’re “on time” (i.e. if we’re going to a party). Other times, we’d arrive seperately because I needed to be on time. The rest of the time I would convince her that we needed to be there earlier than was actually necessary (i.e. “I’d like to get to the movie 20 minutes early so we can get a good seat.”) We’d arrive just on time, and I was fine with that.

    So when you encounter behavior that you’re not fond of, there are three questions that you need to ask yourself:
    1) Is this behavior never acceptable (to you)?
    2) Is this behavior something you can live with all of the time?
    3) If this is occasional behavior, under what circumstances will you have to live with it?

    The first two questions you’ll learn by knowing yourself. The third question you learn by observing or communicating with your partner.

  21. 51
    Ruby

    Here’s a line I just read from a dating coach that I think extends what EMK is saying in the video, and addresses what Luxe asks in a very concise way. Sounds so simple, but oh-so-helpful.

    Every time you date someone with an issue you have to work to ignore, you’re settling,

    How hard do you have to work at ignoring the red flag? Will talking about it resolve it? Is it a deal breaker for what you want long-term?

  22. 52
    Evan Marc Katz

    Actually, Ruby, I disagree pretty strongly with that line. “Every time you date someone with an issue you have to work to ignore, you’re settling.”

    Just by using the word “settling” you’re casting a negative spin on what I would call “accepting”. No matter who you date, he’s going to have qualities that you don’t like, that you have to work to ignore. If you expect that the “right” guy won’t have bad qualities, you’ll be waiting a LOOOOONG time for that ship to come in.

    My advice is about distinguishing which qualities you SHOULD accept and which ones you SHOULDN’T. Character, effort, and commitment are non-negotiable. Pretty much everything else is negotiable – including some things that you have to work to ignore – height, weight, age, income, education, and annoying habits of all sorts.

  23. 53
    Helen

    Evan #52, I agree completely with you. But then why, in your video, do you imply that only 5% of men are “right”? I should think that significantly more than 5% of men have decent character, effort, and commitment abilities.

  24. 54
    Evan Marc Katz

    That’s 5% by YOUR standards, Helen. I didn’t say they should be that high… :)

  25. 55
    Ruby

    EMK #52

    I probably should have qualified this by saying “…an issue you have to TOO work HARD to ignore.” Personally, I don’t consider “height, weight, age, income, education, and annoying habits of all sorts” red flags, per se. For example, you may want to date someone with an advanced degree, but if you meet a smart person who didn’t attend or finish college, is that a deal-breaker? No, I’m talking about major problems, like addictions, commitment-phobia, or chronic dishonesty (as in character, effort, and commitment”), so in that sense I agree with you.

  26. 56
    sayanta

    Emk and Ruby-

    The thing is, I think a lot of the time the issues women ‘work to ignore’ are red-flag issues, in which Ruby’s statement rings true. But if you’re talking about plain annoyance, which I think you are, Evan, then Ruby’s statement seems overkill. I think we just need more definition.

  27. 57
    sayanta

    EMK-

    Too bad you didn’t put my comment #56 before Ruby’s- would have made more sense chronologically. ;-p

  28. 58
    Luxe

    Karl @50

    Great advise! I really appreciate that. I just started seeing someone new and an trying to figure out how I’m feeling about him. Right now I’m uncertain. But I will think about what you said. Much appreciated!

    Ruby and Evan

    I get what you are saying, and I think you got a point. I think it will go back to what Karl said in determining if it really is a red flag issue or not. That’s the hardest part in figuring out, imho.

  29. 59
    Ruby

    I meant to write an issue you have to work TOO HARD to ignore.

  30. 60
    over40dating

    Quite an interesting article I must say

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>