You Think You Attract The Wrong Men, But You Don’t

If you’re single, you’ve probably gone through hell in the dating world.

Investing your time in guys who don’t follow through after a first date.

Wasting months on men who don’t want anything more than a casual relationship.

Taking years to wait for a man to propose when he was never really going to.

Yes, as a dating coach, I am very fluent in the way you can allow your optimism to override your realism when it comes to love.

And yes, it’s true. Loving and losing can hurt far more than never loving at all.

And after all of those false starts and rejections and disappointments, it would be very easy to come to the conclusion that, dammit, you just seem to attract the “wrong” men.

Except it’s not true.

What if I told you that in my 15 years of single adulthood, I went out with a lot of women who were, let’s just say…highly emotional.

After all of those false starts and rejections and disappointments, it would be very easy to come to the conclusion that, dammit, you just seem to attract the “wrong” men.

Girlfriends who left me at weddings, restaurants and holiday parties.

Girlfriends who told me I was a sociopath.

Girlfriends who threatened to beat up people with candlesticks.

Girlfriends who sent me anonymous hate email.

Seriously. And this is the stuff I can share with you in a blog post!

Anyway, once upon a time, one of my friends was listening to one of my dating horror stories and offered her diagnosis:

“You’re clearly attracted to crazy women. You must really love the drama.”

It was a reasonable conclusion to draw. After all, I did have a disproportionate number of stories about highly emotional women. But when I thought about it, she was wrong.

I didn’t like drama.

I didn’t like crazy.

I craved stability and normalcy and unconditional love and support.

That’s when it dawned upon me:

My problem wasn’t that I was attracted to crazy women…

Yes, I was attracted to women, and yes, a certain percentage of them were going to be crazy. That’s not surprising.

The real issue was how much time I’d invested in these women, hoping that they’d suddenly become calm. That’s where I was guilty. I continually put myself through roller-coaster relationships with insecure people, hoping that they would work themselves out.

They never did.

The wrong men never work themselves out either.

Thus, the problem isn’t that you’re attracting the wrong men. That’s just a myth.

The truth is that you don’t ATTRACT the wrong men, you ACCEPT the wrong men.

The truth is that you don’t ATTRACT the wrong men, you ACCEPT the wrong men.

When you’re dating a man who has been with you for five years and never proposed, the problem is that you ACCEPTED HIM.

When you’re dating a man who is verbally abusive, and shuts down when you attempt to reasonably communicate with him, the problem is that you ACCEPTED him.

When you’re dating a man who has addiction issues, employment issues, and emotional issues, the problem is that you ACCEPTED him.

I’m not encouraging you to be intolerant of men’s flaws. I’m telling you that if you think you ATTRACT flawed men, you’re incorrect.

You attract lots of men.

By your definition, 95% of them are going to be the “wrong” men. As such, you’re never going to stop attracting the wrong men.

What you ARE going to do different is to stop ACCEPTING them.

Stop accepting unacceptable treatment and justifying it because you “love” him.

Stop spinning your wheels, waiting by the phone, walking on pins and needles in fear he’ll dump you.

Stop investing your emotions in men who refuse to give you the love, security, and consistency that you deserve.

Finally, stop beating yourself up for attracting the wrong men. That’s a waste of time.

If you consistently find yourself in relationships with liars, cheaters, addicts, leeches, or commitmentphobes, your job isn’t to get them to stop lying, cheating, drinking, mooching or committing. Your job is to leave.

At a certain point, it’s not his fault for being fundamentally flawed.

It’s your fault for thinking that your chemistry is powerful enough to change your broken relationship. Remember, most men are the wrong men. The problem is that you give the men these men a free pass because of your chemistry.

You’ll never stop attracting the wrong men, but starting now, you can stop ACCEPTING the bad behavior of the wrong men… and save yourself years of heartbreak and pain.

Finally, you’ll be open to receiving the quality of love you deserve.

But it starts with you.

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Comments:

  1. 121
    nice lady

    Thank you so much! You brought peace in my soul with this article. I have been going trough hell lately and I want light!

  2. 122
    Windy Crawford

    What can I say? that is exactly the answer I was seeking for. I was wondering what’s wrong with me that everytime it doesn’t work out. Can see now that it was all about acceptance, and if you ask why? 1. Don’t feeling worthy- well this is the bottomline issue for me

    2. Hoping to fix my loneliness.

     

    Thanks a lot, for this article.

  3. 123
    Dorie Larue

    This should be posted on billboards everywhere. Best advice I’ve ever seen.

  4. 124
    Susan

    I accidentally hit the send button, so I’ll continue my story.  My boyfriend is like the guys you are describing.  I’m in my mid 40’s and divorced.  He’s 6 years younger than I am, 6′ 5″ and extremely good looking.  However, he was chronically unemployed when we met and lives with an ex girlfriend because she can’t afford to move out.  Other women wouldn’t give him a chance.  He also had been admitted to a mental hospital twice in his teens.  He and I are what I would call soul-mates.  Most other women would pass him up.  After several years of fighting he finally got a job and we are getting married.  This guy is completely in love with me and will never leave or cheat.  He’s very shy and introverted, but he and I have a good relationship (now).  I wanted an attractive man who would love me forever, and got it.  That’s because I found an attractive guy with qualities that would repulse most other women, then inspired him to improve himself.  Now that he is what more women would want, he won’t leave me, because I got there first and got him addicted to me before anyone else.

  5. 125
    Esmeralda

    I love this article.  I am a 34 year old single woman living in bustling San Francisco, and over and over again I keep getting attracted to addicts and alcoholics and men who “don’t want a serious relationship right now” (I guess that means, WITH ME ~ whatever.)  I am so fearful and paranoid that this is going to keep happening again and again and again in my life and that it will never end, because I have some sort of subconscious desire to be with emotionally unavailable men.  (I never know at the start that they have these problems — it comes out in the wash fairly quickly though.)  I keep *consciously* thinking about how much I *do* want a healthy, committed, loving, and beautiful relationship though.  Over the years, I have gotten better and better at letting go of these emotionally unavailable men, and I hope that by freeing my time up over and over again, that I will eventually find the kind of love I (consciously) am looking for.

  6. 126
    Steve

    Broken men create broken women and vice versa.

  7. 127
    martha aguila

    Yes. It makes so much sense. You are right. There’s always a moment, i have noticed, where something didn’t sit right about the person i was dating but i ACCEPTED it. I thought i was being empathetic and understanding but really i was compromising my boundaries. For someone like me who has been through so many abusive relationships it’s been hard to set boundaries but now i see where the cycles have been perpetuated, in acceptance. Thank you for this. It puts into context the issue of attracting the wrong men.

  8. 128
    Shasta

    Accept wrong men–then the good men don’t ask you out. I think I know about that. The problem is that there are very few men that would be suited for me. I want a guy who can at least financially support himself (preferably both of us as I am a woman whose place in the house (and maybe someday in the senate). I don’t want to be the main or sole bread winner. I’ve been there. I want a man who I can marry in the temple (I’m Mormon) and someone who will put up with a cat in bed with us. We also need to share some interests. I don’t want someone who is sick all the time–mainly so he doesn’t have to go to work or do something he doesn’t want to do. I’ve been there and someone with half a brain. The last thing I need (especially if I have a full time job) is a stupid helpless man. I’ve been there too. I am in my 60s and divorced. I know there are good men around. I’ve seen a lot of marriages involving people older than I. I am not in a big hurry to marry–I don’t want to make the same mistake I made when I was in the 20s. I know that wanting a temple marriage eliminates a lot of good men. I am no longer seeing a very good fun guy I orignally accepted because he cannot give me a temple marriage and he tells me I am wrong to hold on to a church instead of a good man. I believe that it is important that the couple be of the same beliefs and have the same intensity in that belief. The guy I accepted was a member of the same church I am a member of but his dedication to it is not as intense as mine.

  9. 129
    Kim Appleby

    Glad I’ve read this. Mindset changed! Thank you 😊

  10. 130
    Emily Greene

    This advice may not be 100% accurate.

  11. 131
    Ann Fuller

    It’s better to be alone then with bad company .

  12. 132
    Audrey Jane

    So much truth… thank you so much i needed to know this 🙂

  13. 133
    Michele Velleman

    On point!  Thank you for writing this. I honestly feel like it was written directly to me! Lol & ugg!

  14. 134
    SARAH BROWN

    i went on  a date a few days ago and got called chubby!

  15. 135
    Kelly Mitchell

    Thank you so much for this post : ) I’ve read it at a perfect moment : )

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