You Think You Attract The Wrong Men, But You Don’t

If you’re single, you’ve probably gone through hell in the dating world.

Investing your time in guys who don’t follow through after a first date.

Wasting months on men who don’t want anything more than a casual relationship.

Taking years to wait for a man to propose when he was never really going to.

Yes, as a dating coach, I am very fluent in the way you can allow your optimism to override your realism when it comes to love.

And yes, it’s true. Loving and losing can hurt far more than never loving at all.

And after all of those false starts and rejections and disappointments, it would be very easy to come to the conclusion that, dammit, you just seem to attract the “wrong” men.

Except it’s not true.

What if I told you that in my 15 years of single adulthood, I went out with a lot of women who were, let’s just say…highly emotional.

After all of those false starts and rejections and disappointments, it would be very easy to come to the conclusion that, dammit, you just seem to attract the “wrong” men.

Girlfriends who left me at weddings, restaurants and holiday parties.

Girlfriends who told me I was a sociopath.

Girlfriends who threatened to beat up people with candlesticks.

Girlfriends who sent me anonymous hate email.

Seriously. And this is the stuff I can share with you in a blog post!

Anyway, once upon a time, one of my friends was listening to one of my dating horror stories and offered her diagnosis:

“You’re clearly attracted to crazy women. You must really love the drama.”

It was a reasonable conclusion to draw. After all, I did have a disproportionate number of stories about highly emotional women. But when I thought about it, she was wrong.

I didn’t like drama.

I didn’t like crazy.

I craved stability and normalcy and unconditional love and support.

That’s when it dawned upon me:

My problem wasn’t that I was attracted to crazy women…

Yes, I was attracted to women, and yes, a certain percentage of them were going to be crazy. That’s not surprising.

The real issue was how much time I’d invested in these women, hoping that they’d suddenly become calm. That’s where I was guilty. I continually put myself through roller-coaster relationships with insecure people, hoping that they would work themselves out.

They never did.

The wrong men never work themselves out either.

Thus, the problem isn’t that you’re attracting the wrong men. That’s just a myth.

The truth is that you don’t ATTRACT the wrong men, you ACCEPT the wrong men.

The truth is that you don’t ATTRACT the wrong men, you ACCEPT the wrong men.

When you’re dating a man who has been with you for five years and never proposed, the problem is that you ACCEPTED HIM.

When you’re dating a man who is verbally abusive, and shuts down when you attempt to reasonably communicate with him, the problem is that you ACCEPTED him.

When you’re dating a man who has addiction issues, employment issues, and emotional issues, the problem is that you ACCEPTED him.

I’m not encouraging you to be intolerant of men’s flaws. I’m telling you that if you think you ATTRACT flawed men, you’re incorrect.

You attract lots of men.

By your definition, 95% of them are going to be the “wrong” men. As such, you’re never going to stop attracting the wrong men.

What you ARE going to do different is to stop ACCEPTING them.

Stop accepting unacceptable treatment and justifying it because you “love” him.

Stop spinning your wheels, waiting by the phone, walking on pins and needles in fear he’ll dump you.

Stop investing your emotions in men who refuse to give you the love, security, and consistency that you deserve.

Finally, stop beating yourself up for attracting the wrong men. That’s a waste of time.

If you consistently find yourself in relationships with liars, cheaters, addicts, leeches, or commitmentphobes, your job isn’t to get them to stop lying, cheating, drinking, mooching or committing. Your job is to leave.

At a certain point, it’s not his fault for being fundamentally flawed.

It’s your fault for thinking that your chemistry is powerful enough to change your broken relationship. Remember, most men are the wrong men. The problem is that you give the men these men a free pass because of your chemistry.

You’ll never stop attracting the wrong men, but starting now, you can stop ACCEPTING the bad behavior of the wrong men… and save yourself years of heartbreak and pain.

Finally, you’ll be open to receiving the quality of love you deserve.

But it starts with you.

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Comments:

  1. 121
    nice lady

    Thank you so much! You brought peace in my soul with this article. I have been going trough hell lately and I want light!

  2. 122
    Windy Crawford

    What can I say? that is exactly the answer I was seeking for. I was wondering what’s wrong with me that everytime it doesn’t work out. Can see now that it was all about acceptance, and if you ask why? 1. Don’t feeling worthy- well this is the bottomline issue for me

    2. Hoping to fix my loneliness.

     

    Thanks a lot, for this article.

  3. 123
    Dorie Larue

    This should be posted on billboards everywhere. Best advice I’ve ever seen.

  4. 124
    Susan

    I accidentally hit the send button, so I’ll continue my story.  My boyfriend is like the guys you are describing.  I’m in my mid 40’s and divorced.  He’s 6 years younger than I am, 6′ 5″ and extremely good looking.  However, he was chronically unemployed when we met and lives with an ex girlfriend because she can’t afford to move out.  Other women wouldn’t give him a chance.  He also had been admitted to a mental hospital twice in his teens.  He and I are what I would call soul-mates.  Most other women would pass him up.  After several years of fighting he finally got a job and we are getting married.  This guy is completely in love with me and will never leave or cheat.  He’s very shy and introverted, but he and I have a good relationship (now).  I wanted an attractive man who would love me forever, and got it.  That’s because I found an attractive guy with qualities that would repulse most other women, then inspired him to improve himself.  Now that he is what more women would want, he won’t leave me, because I got there first and got him addicted to me before anyone else.

  5. 125
    Esmeralda

    I love this article.  I am a 34 year old single woman living in bustling San Francisco, and over and over again I keep getting attracted to addicts and alcoholics and men who “don’t want a serious relationship right now” (I guess that means, WITH ME ~ whatever.)  I am so fearful and paranoid that this is going to keep happening again and again and again in my life and that it will never end, because I have some sort of subconscious desire to be with emotionally unavailable men.  (I never know at the start that they have these problems — it comes out in the wash fairly quickly though.)  I keep *consciously* thinking about how much I *do* want a healthy, committed, loving, and beautiful relationship though.  Over the years, I have gotten better and better at letting go of these emotionally unavailable men, and I hope that by freeing my time up over and over again, that I will eventually find the kind of love I (consciously) am looking for.

  6. 126
    Steve

    Broken men create broken women and vice versa.

  7. 127
    martha aguila

    Yes. It makes so much sense. You are right. There’s always a moment, i have noticed, where something didn’t sit right about the person i was dating but i ACCEPTED it. I thought i was being empathetic and understanding but really i was compromising my boundaries. For someone like me who has been through so many abusive relationships it’s been hard to set boundaries but now i see where the cycles have been perpetuated, in acceptance. Thank you for this. It puts into context the issue of attracting the wrong men.

  8. 128
    Shasta

    Accept wrong men–then the good men don’t ask you out. I think I know about that. The problem is that there are very few men that would be suited for me. I want a guy who can at least financially support himself (preferably both of us as I am a woman whose place in the house (and maybe someday in the senate). I don’t want to be the main or sole bread winner. I’ve been there. I want a man who I can marry in the temple (I’m Mormon) and someone who will put up with a cat in bed with us. We also need to share some interests. I don’t want someone who is sick all the time–mainly so he doesn’t have to go to work or do something he doesn’t want to do. I’ve been there and someone with half a brain. The last thing I need (especially if I have a full time job) is a stupid helpless man. I’ve been there too. I am in my 60s and divorced. I know there are good men around. I’ve seen a lot of marriages involving people older than I. I am not in a big hurry to marry–I don’t want to make the same mistake I made when I was in the 20s. I know that wanting a temple marriage eliminates a lot of good men. I am no longer seeing a very good fun guy I orignally accepted because he cannot give me a temple marriage and he tells me I am wrong to hold on to a church instead of a good man. I believe that it is important that the couple be of the same beliefs and have the same intensity in that belief. The guy I accepted was a member of the same church I am a member of but his dedication to it is not as intense as mine.

  9. 129
    Kim Appleby

    Glad I’ve read this. Mindset changed! Thank you 😊

  10. 130
    Emily Greene

    This advice may not be 100% accurate.

  11. 131
    Ann Fuller

    It’s better to be alone then with bad company .

  12. 132
    Audrey Jane

    So much truth… thank you so much i needed to know this 🙂

  13. 133
    Michele Velleman

    On point!  Thank you for writing this. I honestly feel like it was written directly to me! Lol & ugg!

  14. 134
    SARAH BROWN

    i went on  a date a few days ago and got called chubby!

  15. 135
    Kelly Mitchell

    Thank you so much for this post : ) I’ve read it at a perfect moment : )

  16. 136
    anita

    We tell ourselves stories about other people and situations but rarely see who or what’s truly in front of us.

    I spent 6 yrs in an on and off again situation hoping that the next time he would change and that my love and loyalty would heal his lying, cheating ways. In the end, he admitted that he would never stick around if someone behaved how he was; that he would never tolerate that kind of mistreatment. How ironic: the lying cheater has more self respect than I do.

    So yes, it was clearly what I was ACCEPTING that was the problem.

  17. 137
    Been there

    I agree with you (for a change), what you’ve neglected to mention though is that women are socialized to tollerate a lot of bad behaviour especially from men and society reinfoces it in subtle and not so subtle ways. To put the blame solely on women isn’t helpful, what a lot of men do to coerce these women into engaging with them in the first place is abusive (PUA for example, not to mention that behaviour is strategically done by men to put women in that position, it predatory and is done with malice). It’s  not dumb women this happens to, it’s idealistic women who think you should treat others well regardless because thats how they were taught to behave since childhood.

    Women need to break the programming and be a bitch when the situation calls for it without fear of being attacked for it. Women need to have grown up with people around them who saw through the cultural BS and been coached on how to look out for themselves or have a strong will to break out of the programming women get, this is just to do their own thinking, society does not have their back. There is a mentailty where if women aren’t nurturing without expecting anything in return, accomodating yes people then they are seen as not just worthless but as troublemakers who need to be taken down, there is no room in the world view of many for women to be autonomous whole beings without a man much less with one. Having an ignorant man in your life will shrink your world, having a hateful one will make it hell, a violent one could end your life, women cannot afford to be blinded by fairytale ideas about love and at times when that’s all that’s around we are better off alone getting on with our lives without hanging onto the idea a good man will show up because while he may then again he may not, life goes on.

    Society raises women to be suckers and brow beats them for standing up for themselves or expressing their needs, you see the sharpest end of it in the dating scene which is narrow minded, superficial and misogynistic. Men online and around the singles scene are always trying to game women, put fear into them to push their toxic agenda, if you found a good man there it would be a miracle because anyone with character sees the kind of crap women there tollerate, peg these women as having the kind of low self esteem that would drag him down with it and they leave. That stuff is so nasty it would curdle the milk in your crappy coffee date coffee.

    People need to let go of the idea being single is a disease too, or that everyone wants a family, or that single people are selfish. Singles do a lot for their community because they have more time to and they don’t need to consult a partner to make decissions about how they spend their time. Not to mention the risks or sacrifices they make that would be irrisponsible for someone with a family to do. Having a partner doesn’t give someone the right to criticise someone who doesn’t, there are so many bad relationships around and the domestic violence stats are so shocking you really do need to have your eyes open.

    1. 137.1
      DeeGee

      @Been there said:

      “what a lot of men do to coerce these women into engaging with them in the first place is abusive (PUA for example, not to mention that behaviour is strategically done by men to put women in that position, it predatory and is done with malice).”

      I disagree with you on this.
      What Players and PUAs do is feed into the already inherent fantasy that women have in their heads about what they want in a man.  It’s women’s fantasies and unrealistic expectation of men that PUAs are using to their advantage.  The problem is the women and their unrealistic fantasy mindset about their perfect man, the problem is not the Players.
      The solution? If women actually were mature and had proper reasonable expectations and desires in a mate, then they wouldn’t get gamed.
      I have zero sympathy for women who get gamed by Players, who use them and then ghost.  She made the choice to hook up with him based on her fantasy mindset and the role he played.
      Hate the game, don’t hate the player.

  18. 138
    karen

    thank you so very much for this article. i have often over the years encouraged women that they didnt “manifest” the wrong person, but simply allowed the behavior. us women can do such a number on ourselves when we end up being treated badly….and yes, men can do it too. i have recently met a man who is the “rescuer”….. thanks again for this article, i really needed the encouragement.

  19. 139
    Unrequited Lover

    This blog post might have just changed my life. I have perused an immense amount of literature trying to understand why I am an chronic unrequited lover and I think that I have just found the answer.

    End of the world confession: I have never had an actual relationship. I kept going for guys who would keep me around as sort of an acquaintance or “friend” but would never actually engage with me. There were two great “loves” in my life. The first guy was a mean, narcissistic tool  but I remained in his life for two years because I thought that my love could change him. It didn’t. (Shocker!) He eventually found a girlfriend and that’s when I had decided to remove myself from that situation. Best decision of my life.

    During the heartbreak, I reconnected with an old friend (the second guy) with the expectation that things would be as they were back then. Well, he showed me. I always had a soft spot for him but I had overlooked it due to my overpowering feelings for the aforementioned – and I use the term loosely – gentleman. Turns out my friend had been overdosing on the film “friends with benefits” because that’s what he wanted.

    Plot twist: He had a girlfriend. So now here I am, sad as hell and listening to every single sad love song known to man. But the thing is, I can’t really blame anyone else. Because I ACCEPTED the behaviour, the bleak treatment.

    They’re getting married by the way. If I had just made a conscious and firm decision to back off many months ago, the news of their impending marriage probably would not have phased me as much.

    Anyway, this article has inspired me to stop accepting bull shit treatment and start accepting the treatment that I know that I am worthy of.

    So, gratitude to the writer thereof.

  20. 140
    Annie

    This does resonate to me. I think I definitely have had my fair share of wrong guys. The last one was no exception and each time after the break up I notice I have learned a lot from him. Then I go move on think of the lessons I’ve learned and meet another guy. He seems great at start but soon after he is treating me shitty so I let go of him. Deal with my sorrow and pain and come out as a better person having learned yet more. But my point is how many frogs do you have to kiss in order to meet the right guy? I am single now and of course I have no idea when the next person will come along but I do feel like that because of my last relationship, I am again a much better person and have set my standards even higher. I realise I have not known better in the past and I have accepted certain things but only because I thought that is the way to go…As every relationship has taught me a lot I have become less tolerable. I accept less bad behaviour and at the same time I’m noticing how I am not looking for that tall, dark, handsome guy as my first priority but someone who really genuinely is interested and has good manners and good heart. The most important is that we both like each other from the start and he genuinely appreciates me and is reliable. I will not want to be playing the guessing game anymore or be with someone who is hot and cold like the last guy I was dating.

    Having  said that, I hope and I also think I am ready to ditch the wrong guys and attract and accept mr right.

  21. 141
    Fallon Franklin

    Seriously beautiful article. Thank you.

  22. 142
    L B

    This is like an awakening for me! A guy who I’ve been dating for over three years on and off  has just told me he’s met an old friend. I’ve been suicidal in my grief as finality of the relationship sunk in. I’ve tried, in vain, to help him curb nicotine addiction, excessive alcohol and gambling. All I wanted was for him to propose. While he spent time  with me  the ‘problems’ went away but time spent on his own they immediately reappeared. This article has saved me! Good Luck to her and him..perhaps she can cure him…

  23. 143
    Jackie

    I am older, divorced after 28 years of marriage, have been dating some. The problem is I don’t seem to attract very many men. I have a friend that offered to “make sweet love to me , no strings” his words. I laughed (he texted me that …) He thought he was doing me a favor. I replied and told him that I want a relationship, not casual sex. He knows that, He does not want another relationship except to have his needs met. Clearly he is not my answer to prayer. The sad thing is, I crave physical and emotional intimacy right now and that had me consider for a brief second his offer. It would not have filled either of those needs in reality. My ex husband and I slept in separate rooms for the last 5 years of marriage. I have been divorced for 2. Because I my religious beliefs I do not feel right having random sex. I then begin to question everything. Its because of my weight, because my hair is gray, because I am 56 and 40. I am stuck, but I enjoyed your blog and will not accept anyone saying to me that I have attracted the wrong men anymore

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