You’re Attracted To The Wrong Men

Do you find that you’re attracted to the “wrong” men?

Do you ever wonder why you’re pulled in a direction that isn’t healthy for you?

Do you ever wonder what you can do differently?

Charisma is attractive, but if it’s not coupled with kindness and commitment, who really cares?

If so, join the crowd.

Often, the most attractive, desirable men are the WORST fit for your future.

Yet you can’t seem to help being drawn in by their charm and charisma.

It’s time to break free from the patterns of your past and create a new future, filled with kind, consistent men who treat you the way you deserve…

I love getting emails from you. I really do.

Because when you’re open with me, and I can be open with you, together, we can create magic.

I was reminded of the magic when I got a call from a private client just this morning.

Terri was telling me about how she’s always been a magnet for the wrong men.

She’s a strong, successful woman, and she likes alpha males. Charismatic, successful, charming, handsome, you know the type…

Except there are two problems:

Alpha males generally don’t like her.

The alpha males that do like her have some serious issues. They’re workaholics. They’re selfish. They’re narcissistic. They don’t make her feel special. They’re unable to commit. They’re always trying to get their way.

In other words, they’re alpha males.

Terri couldn’t help but be drawn to these guys even though she knew that these guys are toxic for her.

But after 40 some-odd years of failure, she realized that something had to shift. Charisma is attractive, but if it’s not coupled with kindness and commitment, who really cares?

Terri finally started to open up to “nice guys”. And she’s starting to see the light.

The guy she’s seeing now is great – and although she’s trying to find something wrong with him, she can’t find any compelling reason to break up. Such is the toxic pull that charismatic alpha males have on you that you actually will try to find problems with the men who treat you the best.

Now, you probably know – and routinely reject – nice guys. Their greatest faults are these: they’re too easygoing, they’re always trying to please, they don’t seem manly enough, and they’re not going to put up an argument because they want you to be happy.

How awful!

Have you been holding onto the ghosts of boyfriends past?

It’s time to let go by learning why he’s gone and what YOU can do to move forward…

Contrast that with the flaws of the alpha male – who can be condescending, aloof, emotionally unavailable, commitment-phobic, and self-obsessed.

Hmm…which guy seems like a better bet?

I know – but there’s this FEELING of ATTRACTION when you’re around an alpha male. And it draws you in every time. Why can’t one of these guys turn into your husband?

Well, you can never say never, but don’t you think that if alpha males were really good long-term prospects, you’d have landed one by now?

I want you to look back into your own dating history and replay all your most meaningful relationships.

If you’re anything like me, you’re at peace with your past. You can see why you dated certain people at certain times, but there’s really not anybody that you’d take back.

That’s the way it should be.

If you DO have someone you’d consider taking back, ask yourself if you’d take them back as they were – or would you take them back only in an idealized fantasy way?

Generally, you’d only be inclined to take the people back who DUMPED you.

I remember feeling like a couple of my girlfriends could walk on water. I would have done anything for them. But one dumped me after 6 months. The other dumped me after 3. And while both women were certainly impressive, I definitely overestimated them.

Have you been holding onto the ghosts of boyfriends past? It’s time to let go by learning why he’s gone and what you can do to move forward…

I’d like you to think about a man that you loved who hurt you. I’m not suggesting that this man is bad. I’m saying that you’ve given him WAY too much credit.

First of all, your future spouse doesn’t DUMP you.

Right there, that’s a character flaw. If relationships are about feeling safe and accepted, it’s hard to feel that when you’ve been dumped. You still might be in love, but that doesn’t mean that he is a good long-term prospect for you.

Second of all, your strong positive feelings usually cover up the negative ones. Which is how you could be genuinely in love with a man who is verbally abusive, who doesn’t call, who tells you how you need to change, and who isn’t emotionally available.

Looking back, if I had MARRIED some of the women that I THOUGHT I wanted to marry, I’d have ended up with partners who were selfish, jealous, temperamental, and judgmental.

I didn’t realize this until years later, when comparing them to my wife. Maybe I was less “whipped” on my wife, but she was far less selfish, jealous, temperamental and judgmental than my exes. In other words, she was a much better match for me.

When you’re insanely attracted to someone, you tend to ignore his bad qualities.

And if you end up MARRYING that man out of passion, well, guess what – you’ve bought his bad qualities for life. Congratulations on your passionfest. Have fun fighting.

Believe it or not, I’m not here to tell you that all alpha males are jerks and commitmentphobes. I WILL tell you, however, that the alpha qualities that attract you are the very things that create conflict in your life. Alpha males assert their wills, work hard, play hard, like to conquer, and have enough ego to fuel a rocket ship.

The alpha qualities that attract you are the very things that create conflict in your life.

…So instead of going for the short-term sugar high that always results in the same exact crash, start thinking of what’s healthiest for you in the long-run.

You have to be willing to be #2 with an alpha.

And if you’re not wired that way – if you’re looking for true equality – you’re a lot better off finding and appreciating a man who wants equality as well.

That would be the nice guy who doesn’t excite you as much.

You spend so much time looking for someone who dazzles you and not enough time looking for someone who is dazzled by you.

Partnership is about finding someone who thinks YOU’RE worth sacrificing for. If you’re the one making all the sacrifices because he’s too stubborn or egomaniacal, you’re just going to build up a lot of resentment. As you can already see.

Attraction and chemistry are great relationship starters, but compatibility and compromise are the things that allow you to sustain it.

So instead of going for the short-term sugar high that always results in the same exact crash, start thinking of what’s healthiest for you in the long-run.

Chances are it’s not the guy you’re most “attracted” to. It’s probably the guy you’re most compatible with…

Ready to break the patterns of the path and find a man who’s ready for commitment?

Click here to learn about my Inner Circle, in which I’ll personally guide you into a relationship in a matter of months…


Join 7 Million Readers

And the thousands of women I've helped find true love. Sign up for weekly updates for help understanding men.

I hate spam as much as you do, therefore I will never sell, rent, or give away your email address.

Join our conversation (43 Comments).
Click Here To Leave Your Comment Below.


  1. 31

    I like being #2 in a relationship so I couldn’t go with a nice guy. But I have been involved with enough alphas of varying levels of attractiveness, and there’s one thing I know. They are picky. Once they’re into you that’s it but it would take a lot for it to get to that stage. These guys have said I’m hot, a good person, intelligent, funny etcetera but have never taken the final step of making more of a fixture. It doesn’t even matter how many options these guys have in reality. It’s the perception that they have options which drives them. They want women who can keep up with them and they don’t consider submissive women enough of a challenge. It’s very difficult to navigate this. I can’t find nice guys attractive enough because I have a strong pull towards polarity of sexual roles, traditional masculinity and dominant male characteristics due to my upbringing. Alpha males aren’t bad guys. They actually have a lot of respect for women. They are simply choosy about which woman they pick because they are self-actualising and their pride makes them think they can go for anything in life, including women, and get whatever they want. Every day is a mission.

  2. 32
    Karl R

    Lucy said: (#31)
    “These guys have said I’m hot, a good person, intelligent, funny etcetera but have never taken the final step of making more of a fixture.”
    Have you ever given a compliment to a beta guy. A “nice guy” as you’re describing them? Maybe he was a physically attractive man, smart, funny, a wonderful person … whatever best describes him.
    After giving him a compliment, did you suddenly have the urge to have a relationship with him? Did you see him as being the equal of the masculine alpha with more drive and more sexual polarity? I’d be willing to bet that you didn’t.
    Lucy said: (#31)
    “It’s very difficult to navigate this.”
    I’ll make it easy. Talk is cheap. Actions speak louder than words.
    About four years ago I went on a date with a very attractive woman. She was also a genuinely sweet, kind and caring woman. However, two hours into our first date, I decided I never wanted to date her again. It doesn’t matter how many sincere compliments I give her (and she has some very good qualities), I’m not changing my mind.
    Believe their actions, not their words. It’s that easy to navigate this.

  3. 33

    if your definition of attractive is a man who likes having options when it comes to women then this may not be helping you.
    i also question how much these men respect women. Is it all women? What kind of women? How does it manifest itself? I wouldn’t issue a blanket statement and say I respect men.  I’d only say that if I had a very one dimensional view of men or was trying to impress them, or didn’t know any very well.
    you say they don’t like submissive women and want a challenge. but they won’t make you a fixture. So I guess once the challenge was won they disappeared. It almost doesn’t matter who the woman is. They aren’t really interested in her no matter how hot she is or smart etc, they are interested in the conquest. And then what? Or maybe it,s you who wants the challenge, rather than someone who will simply love you and is trustworthy. 
    If  these men were making you happy, go right on ahead but I sense disappointment and frustration.

  4. 34

    @Karl and marymary –
    Your words make a lot of sense to me. Thanks. I was lamenting a guy I’ve been heartbroken over recently, not being able to impress him. He is very demanding. He wants a challenging woman who runs marathons and that sort of stuff so I wasn’t going to fit into that role nor produce the ‘spark’ he said he wanted. Oh and I don’t see as attractive a man who has options above any other guy. I think men who think they have options, regardless of whether that is true, are harder to snag. I met this guy online. I’m convinced meeting men in real life is easier. But he taught me something about what alpha males want and it sure isn’t me at the moment. I need to step up to the plate.
    The thing is that this guy is not really someone I’d see as particularly alpha in real life. It’s just his manner of thinking which came up when talking to him. Initially he was quite awkward with me. Although I’m not vain enough to expect him to like me straight up.
    Yes I would like a trustworthy man who loves me. But it’s hard. I’m very feminine, more than most women. I go for a lot of polarity which actually manifests in my sexual predilections. One of my friends told me I remind her of the female lead in Fifty Shades of Grey (not that I’ve read it). 
    But you might be right about something. I seem to have a habit of being most intensely attracted to men who are unavailable to me, and less attracted to the men who act like my friend. Maybe part of this is due to having an emotionally distant father. I’ve got a bit more mature recently but I hope that my tastes become more realistic as I pass through my twenties.

  5. 35
    Seriously Speaking

    well there are many of us men too that seem to be attracted to the wrong women.

  6. 36

    @SS 35 –  What kind of “wrong women” are you attracted to?

  7. 37

    Now that more and more men know what women truly want, and can’t help what they want, since it’s in their nature to want a strong masculine man, why can’t they just man up? And women should woman up, so that the gender roles becomes clear again..
    I’m still not sure I’ve got what “alpha/beta” means, is it alpha= masculine, beta=feminine? It’s very painful for women, especially feminine women, which is the majority of women, to date/marry another woman(beta man)..I don’t think women expect a “leader of the pack”, but he should at leat be a masculine man, not a sensitive pleaser boy. It’s really difficult for me to accept that I cant find a man who is masculine and marriage man, and yet is not a weak man. I just found about another thing called “taken in hand”, it’s about women let the man know what she expects of him, so they agree that both go back into their true on google :p

  8. 38

    Well I think I have the opposite problem. The guys I date are usually beta nice guys who most girls around them don’t find exciting enough to date, and just to be friends. I was raised to appreciate “nice” guys, and taught that alpha men are too controlling, like to criticize, all the things that Evan mentioned here. Betas aren’t attracted to me enough for relationships. The ones I meet want a woman to put them in their place, be loud and want me to take more charge.

    I’m assertive but not aggressive. Successful but my career doesn’t dominate me, I don’t feel I have to be the center of attention, overly charismatic etc, nor I do brag about my accomplishments to men endlessly. I’m probably more “beta” than alpha so maybe that’s why beta men aren’t interested in me? Is there such a thing as a “nice” alpha guy? lol I think that’s what my complement would be.

  9. 39

    I was attracted to a guy when I was 16yrs whom hurt me by telling everyone I had slept with him when I didn’t. I ended up settling after him at 17yrs for a nice guy whom later turned violent because of alcohol abuse. I realize now after 16yrs and 3kids that I was too young to settle for a nice guy. I lost all feelings for him maybe 10yrs in the relationship and for six years I went through the motions because I had already invested my time,  gave me three children and overall had taken 10yrs of my life that I had actually been hapy somewhat in. But I couldn’t go on, 6yrs of losing yourself is not the way to live. So we ended it and currently I’m dating a guy 9yrs younger than me whom I’m highly attracted to as is he. When we’re together he does try to he is the most wonderful man,but he does have a few of the alphamale qualities.  So far it hasn’t affected me because it’s early in the relationship.  I know I probably should end it but I can’t help it because finding a nice guy my age is hard to do.

    1. 39.1

      You sound like you’re what…34 years old?  So you’re telling me at 34 you can’t finfd a nice guy?
      Oh boy, if that’s the case there’s no hope for those of us that are older!

      1. 39.1.1

        Yes 34. But the thing with me is that I look 24(hence my current guy) and well everytime that a guy my age talks to me I always have to show my id to prove my age. It’s a good thing but it does hinder from finding someone my age or older. Sometimes I can meet a 40yr and he’s thinking he getting to talk to a 20yr but they find out I’m 34 they lose interest. Whereas younger guys are actually more open to dating me despite my age. Sooo there are nice guys out there I just haven’t found the right one yet.

  10. 40

    Alpha and Beta lol. Both are controlled by women. Both are useless. I don’t know how people actually get bogged down in these labels. For me, I couldn’t take a woman seriously. That’s probably why I’m single.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>