Choose Your Own Hot Blog Topic – Must-Read Special Edition – Part 1 of 2
My wife and I had a few guests over last night. Over a bottle of wine, we got into a really interesting discussion of changing gender roles, money, evolutionary biology, and societal mores. I know. Very hot.
But that got me to thinking: if you were at my home, what would YOU have contributed to that conversation? Better yet – forget about MY conversation…
I’m not looking for fair and balanced. I want to know what your viewpoint is.
Below, in the comments section, I’d like you to simply choose a TOPIC about which you’re passionate – in regards to dating, relationships and sex.
More specifically, I’d like you to take a SIDE on this topic:
- Why men should always pay for women on the first date.
- Why women shouldn’t have sex until they are in a relationship.
- Why monogamy is the foundation upon which we build our society.
Remember, this is YOUR angle on YOUR topic. I’m not looking for fair and balanced. I want to know what your viewpoint is. Do not write a paragraph on it. Do not compose a dissertation. I literally just want you to write a one sentence angle on a topic that, if you had a bottle of wine, you could passionately discuss all night.
Next week, I’m going to have a contest based on all of your answers, in which I’d like you all to participate. Winner will get a gift from yours truly, to be determined.
So please, think about your take on a passionate relationship topic and write it in the comments section below.
Talk to you next week,
Evan
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102 Comments »Filed Under Uncategorized
MeetMeinOtrSPce 1
Why monogamy is the foundation upon which we build our society.—
I think that it is directly related to the fact that an overwhelming majority of people in the U.S.A. believe in the Christian faith and that religion, like many others, believe that monogamous relationships are the only type of acceptable relationship. I also don’t believe that this society in particular has a genuine foundation on monogamous relationships, despite what they think, aside from that important statistic.
Steve 2
Okay, being brief, as requested:
Why men should always pay for women on the first date.
Despite what people say and despite what they believe, on a deep psychological level this arrangement is what women as well as men find the most appealing.
Why women shouldn’t have sex until they are in a relationship.
I think the should if they want to, but I think they need to do it knowing that the choices they make in this regard will make finding different kinds of men easier or more difficult.
Why monogamy is the foundation upon which we build our society.
As with the first question, I think it is part of our deep psychology/biology. More accurately serial monogamy or monogamy with occasional anomalies.
Steve 3
It is probably a good thing about the universe that the comment section would never get together in person for a discussion in Evan’s living room….but it sure would be fun to watch
.
Jennifer 4
The subconscious mind plays the largest role in determining who we date and eventually mate with.
If your dating/mating patterns are causing unhappiness, the most effective (or only) way to effect lasting change in these patterns is through addressing issues that are often just beneath the surface.
Evan Marc Katz 5
To clarify: I don’t want you commenting on my hypotheticals. I want you to come up with your OWN takes on your OWN topics.
HRGoddess 6
Why do intelligent men put up with bitches when there are so many fantastic ladies out there that will treat them right?
Honey 7
Here’s mine: most relationships that end do so because the majority of men and women strive to adhere to traditional relationship patterns and gender roles without truly considering other options or determining whether the traditional path is one that they would enjoy and find emotionally satisfying.
Sayanta 8
#3-
I don’t know…I think everyone would become more toned-down once live-in-person experiences became involved.
Sayanta 9
HRGoddess-
The answer to that is the book “Why do men love bitches?”
Selena 10
@ Jennifer #4
I very much agree with that!
Selena 11
You never Really know someone until you live with them.
Particularly until you’ve been challenged by financial reversals and illnesses.
Selena 12
If legal marriage was abolished, would it change how we date and choose mates? How?
Sayanta 13
I like Selena’s- #12. I pick hers. Not that I have a say here or anything. lol
Evan Marc Katz 14
What is a topic that YOU feel strongly about and what’s your side of it?
Sayanta 15
EMK-
I know- I meant ‘say’ as in picking the winner.
Honey 16
The format Evan is asking for is to make your own claim about the topic. Selena introduces a topic but doesn’t claim anything about it, so it doesn’t work. If she said something like, “If legal marriage was abolished, it would lead to more happiness because we wouldn’t have unreasonable expectations about one partner fulfilling our every need for the rest of our lives.”
I’m not saying that’s what she thinks, btw. But the format should be along those lines.
Sara 17
Here’s why I think men should pay on the first date: I can only speak for myself, but that moment at which the check arrives is nerve-wracking for me. I have a good job, can support myself, etc, etc, and I’m not looking for someone to pay for my everything. But it’s the first date and I’m not sure how to act. Should I offer to pay? Should I mean it? Should I offer to split? What am I saying about myself, about my thoughts on feminism, relationship balance, and gender equality?
When a date offers to pay quickly and genuinely, it saves me from this awkwardness, and for that I am as grateful as the meal/drink itself (and I express my thankfulness!). I certainly don’t expect men to pay all the time, but I guess I’m not interested in dating a man who thinks a first date is a good time to make his own statement about gender equality.
Steve 18
Are women told what they want to hear more often than men?
Angelika 19
Topic I’m passionate about: Why should people marry?
I’d like to know at least one good reason on why people should get married. So, if I found my Mr. Right, and we’re happy, we love each other, we live together, we have fun – why should we get married and how will marriage improve our relationship?
I’ve never found one good reason for getting married, so I’m inclined to believe it’s absolutely unnecessary.
Evan Marc Katz 20
Dearest readers… I have very high hopes for this contest, and I’m really confident you guys can knock this out of the park. The average IQ on this blog has to be 130 or so…
Anyway, the comments section is not to debate the idea, but merely to assert one side of an argument about which you’re passionate.
Why drugs should be legalized.
Why there is no God.
Why the Beatles are better than the Stones
Except I only want you to take a stand on dating and relationships. Don’t argue your point. Just take a stand.
Once we get about 50 entries, we’ll have something really exciting for next week. I promise.
XO
Evan
Honey 21
Evan, I think the reason you’re not getting responses that fit your criteria is because you’re using the word “why” in your examples, and in the real responses you want no one would probably be using that word. People could say:
Drugs should be legalized because _________.
There is no God and this is totally obvious because _________.
The Stones kick the Beatles sweet tushies because _________.
So pick some relationship topic and state your opinion about the topic, and then say “because ___________”
Men should always pay because ___________.
Women are more emotionally mature because __________.
Men have unreasonable expectations about women because ___________.
There are other ways people could address what you want without using the word because, but it seems like the simplest way: “I believe x because y.”
What you want is a thesis statement, and believe me, as someone who taught at the college level for 6+ years, its easier than it sounds…
MeetMeinOtrSPce 22
I want to add on my own topic since I commented on one of the above that Evan posted. My own would be equilibrium in the dynamic of a relationship. The act of being selfless from both people in a relationship could be the key to the success of a very happy and fulfilling relationship practiced by Tibetan Buddhists. =)
Jess 23
Why men should always pay on the first date:
Men should always pay on the first date as a gesture of good will and for the pleasure (hopefully) of the woman’s company. It shows an interest on his part. If the woman is paying on the first date, then she will never know if the guy is interested in her or the fact that she picks up the tab.
Evan Marc Katz 24
Thanks, Honey, but I’m actually not looking for the because. The because is the argument itself, which is going to come later. I merely want the assertion.
Guns should be illegal.
Abortion is always wrong.
The Palestinians should have their own homeland.
Men should not pressure women for sex if they’re going to judge them for it.
Women should not expect men to pay for dates if she makes a lot more than he does.
There is only one soulmate for every person.
State a belief. You don’t have to defend it. Just state something that you believe passionately about dating/relationships/sex. Come on, I don’t want to be the only one participating in this!
Honey 25
All your examples are either “is” which implies they are facts and not value judgments, or “shoulds,” which flat-out acknowledges the world does not work that way.
This doesn’t make as much sense to me as a hypothesis (why things work the way they do), but I look forward to seeing what others have to say.
And to put things in you format, “People should consider whether traditional relationship models and gender roles are right for them before becoming involved long-term relationships.”
Anette C 26
People should pace their relationships so that the physical intensity matches the emotional intensity,Ie don’t get physical too soon and don’t get deeply emotional too soon. Let the 2 evolve together in tandum.
Sorry..that’ was 2.5 sentences!!!(I thought you could give me a break on my verbosity since I am female..haha)
Talia 27
That when you want a long term relationship you shouldn’t have a man of the moment place holder boyfriend, as it doesn’t leave space in your life for the right person to come in.
Talia 28
Hmmm, another one… that friend’s with benefits never work out. As logically it may seem like a good idea, but the brain chemicals released during sex trigger bonding and no amount of rationalizing can change that.
Janet 29
I’m with Honey @7 and @25 and Angelika @19. Excellent!!!
I would also put forth another one: The strong “pro-marriage/-LTR” rhetoric all around us makes it near impossible to have a clear head about dating, mating, relationships and what is right for each of us as individuals.
[This is my takeaway from what Amy, Curly Girl, etc. have been saying--and note the diatribes this type of "anti pro-marriage" talk incites!!! To be clear: "anti pro-marriage" is NOT "anti-marriage."]
Janet 30
Sayanta @13: You get my vote!!! I think you’re great!!!
Karl R 31
Why fear is the biggest obstacle that people face in dating, even if they don’t realize it.
Honey 32
1. People should not make decisions about relationships from a place of fear or insecurity.
2. People can compromise and stand up for what they believe in at the same time.
3. Compromise is the small, daily things – not the big, rare things.
4. People should date at least five years before getting married.
5. Having your own biological children is unethical.
6. People should have at least 20 sexual partners before getting married.
7. It is inappropriate and irrelevant to ask someone how many sexual partners they have had.
8. Some people prefer drama, and seek to create it where it does not exist naturally.
9. It is possible to “just know.”
10. Relationships require conscious, constant awareness and effort on a daily, permanent basis in order to be successful.
Steve 33
A number of women want men to have traits that can’t be combined in the same man.
Steve 34
@Honey, #32, item 8 – word.
Steve 35
1. Girlhood dreams of princesses and white horses interfere with women accepting men with whom they can be happy being with.
2. Teen year dreams of porn stars and eye candy interfere with men accepting women they could be happy with.
3. Many women expect the men in their lives to fulfill too many roles as opposed to men who just want a lover and confidant.
Steve 36
Short of advanced genetic engineering, the battle of the sexes will never end.
Steve 37
Women are not that great at judging the appearance of other women in the way that men would.
Sayanta 38
When it comes to relationships and marriage, there shouldn’t be rules or ‘should’s.
Evan Marc Katz 39
Excellent job, Honey. Wondering how you’re going to choose just one. At least others can borrow from you.
Honey 40
Thanks, Evan – once I understood what you wanted then I thought I’d throw a bunch out there so people could either steal mine (if they want) or at least see what it is you’re looking for so they can make their own.
I think out of all of them, I prefer my original one (people should consider whether traditional relationship patterns, goals, and gender roles are right for them before becoming involved in LTRs). But I do increasingly think #10 on my larger list is very important…
Sayanta 41
thanks janet!
Janet 42
Honey @32: You crack me up!! Esp #5. Now THAT would be an interesting conversation!!!
Evan Marc Katz 43
Just decided. Winner gets his/her choice of Finding the One Online CD series or a 50-minute recorded coaching call.
If you haven’t put in your entry by next Tuesday, you don’t have a chance of winning. I think you’re going to enjoy the contest a lot.
Evan
Honey 44
@ Janet – thanks! Re: #5, I have LOTS of reasons that nobody is interested in hearing because, ultimately we do not make these types of decisions based on logic, but on what we want, even if it’s selfish and even harmful.
Hey, there’s another one: People should attempt to recognize the role that logic can and should play in matters of the heart.
And: People’s relationship standards are often selfish and even harmful, both for themselves and their [potential] partner(s).
And: People should take the world for what it actually is, not for what they wish it would be. (though, to be fair, Gorgias came up with that one when he wrote the Encomium to Helen)
And: People often do not make decisions based on what is in their own best/self-interest.
And: Happiness is a decision you make, not something you wait to happen to you.
Mr_Right 45
People are inherently selfish when it comes to dating and relationships.
InaccessibleRail 46
The women’s movement primarily benefited men and primarily hurt our children.
MsQuoted 47
Here’s my two cents. I am sometimes amazed by the bad behavior that women will put up with by their boyfriends/significant others (i.e. cheating, etc). My thoughts are that if their close female friends treated them in the same manner they would not spend as much time examining the “whys” of the situation or trying to justify the behavior because they would have dropped the friendship.
Erika 48
There is no such thing as forever. “Happily ever after” is an illusion. How ’bout that for a topic?
Evan Marc Katz 49
Is that your BELIEF, Erika?
Sayanta 50
MsQuoted- awesome name!
Jessica 51
1.- Marrying a foreign citizen you met over the internet and moving to his country and getting married, almost never works out.
2.- There should be dating coaches in every country (mine included, Venezuela).
3.- Not all dating advice applies exactly the same in all countries, as there are cultural differences.
4.- Overseas relationships rarely work out.
5.- Getting married is easy, the difficult thing is to get divorced especially if both parties live in different countries.
6.- Evan’s work and webpage should be translated into other languages, especially Spanish, as this widespread knowledge would prevent many mistakes.
7.- “Dating and Relationships” should be a subject in college, as people have better dating options when younger than when older and better choices when you’re younger help people have a better quality of life later on.
8.- Psychiatrists (myself included) should study “Dating and Relationships” as it can be of great help to patients.
Ruby 52
1. Many people marry not because they are truly committed to their partner, but because they are conventional.
2. No one should marry before the age of 24.
Selena 53
I don’t feel strongly about this topic, but I could merrily debate it over a bottle of wine with friends. (Or a virtual bottle of wine with cyber-friends
) So I will rephrase my #12 per Evan’s guidelines.
Legal marriage should be abolished in the USA.
It was based on the religious precepts of the founders of this country. The succeeding several hundred years has produced greater religious, cultural and social diversity, so that the institution no longer “fits” as a model for the general populace. The high divorce rate, people living together without being married, the large percentage of citizens born out of wedlock, and homosexual unions have made legal marriage obsolete. It’s time the government got out of the business of legislating relationships.
If legal marriage is abolished, it will have significant social impact. Discuss the positives and negatives of such a policy.
Sayanta 54
Jessica-
Have you had bad luck with overseas relationships?
Ruby 55
You can miss out on the love of your life if the timing is bad.
Janet 56
Here’s one about sex:
The general ignorance about female sexual response (what arouses women, what causes them to orgasm, where things are, what things are called, how long it takes, etc.)–and the propensity for both men and women (but primarily men) to use the male sexual response as the template for the female sexual response–is the underlying cause of all relationship problems between men and women.
(Note: Women don’t tell men the truth about sex, either.)
Elizabeth 57
A successful marriage is built upon commitment and endurance.
mic 58
How partners treat each other is based mostly on visual cues.
Jessica 59
To Sayanta post 53,
YES. I am from Venezuela and moved to your country in 2004 to marry a US citizen. He abused me and I left him. He still refuses to divorce from me, and I cannot obtain a divorce in the US because I don’t live there and of course never went back.
Which takes me to my next belief, Marriage should have an expiration date and if both parties agree to continue, then they should have to renew it. If at least one party disagrees, then divorce should be automatic. Say, an expiration date could be every 5 years.
Janet 60
Selena @53 and Jessica @59: Love your topics!!!
I’ve done this before on this site and I’ll do it again–I urge you all to read Stephanie Coontz’s very thoroughly researched book, “Marriage: A History.” What an eye-opener, especially for anyone who believes that the underpinnings of marriage in our culture are love, romance, and exclusive sexual connection.
Very sorry for what you’ve had to go through, Jessica. I hope you find a way out of the legal mess, and I’m glad that you are no longer with that [expletive deleted].
Jessica 61
Janet @ 60, Thank you for your kind words! I will look for the book.
NomDeGuerre 62
The instituition of Marriage should be allowed to perstist.
What we should abolish is weddings and diamond engagement rings.
Sayanta 63
#60, Janet-
Actually, yeah, it’s only very recently that marriage has been associated with romance and love- for the past few- oh, I don’t know: centuries- it was basically a business agreement between a man and woman based on external factors like class, age, income, etc. i.e. man provides house and money, and fertile woman provides children and good cooking. It was understood that this was pretty much the point of marriage- to further the bloodline and build your assets. I think those who tied the knot for true burning love were in the minority.
I know many people have a poor view on the human race, but I think the fact that love and companionship have become larger factors in seeking partners shows that evolution is happening.
Selena 64
I’m making a note of that book also Janet. From what you’ve written about it, I believe I’d find it quite interesting.
Robyn 65
If a man is really interested in a woman, he will ask her out.
If he does not ask her out, it is not that he is not interested at all – he is just not interested enough (to make the effort, risk rejection etc.).
Jennifer 66
Relationships, when you are with the right person, are not ‘hard’.
Jennifer 67
Selena #10 Thanks! I think it’s so key and the crazy thing is most of us aren’t even aware of it.
Selena 68
Jennifer,
I gotta agree with you on #66 also. Good relationships are not ‘hard’ – bad relationships are what’s hard.
Sas 69
If you believe that relationships take work, then you’re in the wrong relationship.
Kristyn 70
Sometimes its a fine line between accepting people as they are and accepting “crumbs”/crappy behavior.
Honey 71
I think we need to define “hard” and “work.”
Relationships do not maintain themselves.
Not putting work into a relationship is the same thing as taking the other person for granted.
Ruby 72
Honey #71
Yes, I’m finding it hard to believe that my friends who have been in good marriages/relationships for 15-20 years or more would say that they’ve never had to “work hard” at maintaining their relationships or resolving problems at some point.
Steve 73
Being buried under 2 feet of snow is not the best time to be dating.
Sayanta 74
#71-
I think Honey’s view makes sense here- I always thought relationships were compared to gardens, right?
isabelle_archer 75
Topic/Assertion: Women should never call men.
My take: Trust your gut – if the thing is meant to be, the woman will KNOW the man will call, or, conversely, will call him herself without giving it a second thought.
Even shorter summary: If you’re worrying about it, it is probably a problem.
Jennifer 76
#71 Honey- I agree that relationships need maintenance and attention on a regular basis, but that it’s not hard.
Kinda like hygiene- you gotta bathe, brush your teeth, floss, wash/comb your hair etc. on a regular basis, it can take a lot of time, it’s necessary to function properly, but I would argue that none of it is hard.
Jennifer 77
I think if we were taught more about how to maintain healthy relationships when we were younger, we would view it as a given just like brushing our teeth, instead of this mysterious all-encompassing thing that is so difficult to do.
Honey 78
@Jennifer, #76 – I just think we need to define hard, which I equate with putting effort in, but perhaps when other people say hard they mean constantly overlooking fundamental incompatibilities?
Also, hard decisions come up, but IMO that is different from the relationship being hard.
MeetMeinOtrSPce 79
Honey #71- “Not putting work into a relationship is the same thing as taking the other person for granted.” – Glad to see someone put this into words and have it make sense. I wouldn’t be surprised if this was the winning topic.
Steve #73- “Being buried under 2 feet of snow is not the best time to be dating.”- hahaha! But you need someone to keep you warm! =D
Sas 80
I’m in a relationship that takes no work at all. I know it’s not the norm. We do not take each other for granted. Quite the contrary. We have a passionate love and respect for each other, and that informs our every interaction with each other.
My relationship with my parents and siblings don’t take work. I’m very blessed that I’ve found someone who makes it so easy to be married. And happily so.
A-L 81
A woman’s upbringing makes her worse prepared to choose a life partner than a man’s upbringing makes him.
Honey 82
@Sas – so you are saying that you do not make time in your schedule for him, you do not remember birthdays and anniversaries, take thoughtful actions that you know he will appreciate, thank him when he does the same? That’s my definition of work.
lorihaah4 83
1. Men live, love, long for, and exist happily…for the chase. Yes – it IS all about the thrill of the hunt. Fresh out of the cave men are. Right Tiger?
sayanta 84
I can’t speak for everyone- but I think a lot of people associate ‘work’ with ‘not fun.’ I would think remembering b-days, thanking people, etc. don’t really constitute ‘work’ when you love someone- e.g, I always get excited about people’s b-days, and put thought into getting their gifts, wrapping them, etc. I wouldn’t call it ‘work’ because I enjoy making the people I love feel good.
Again, I’m not sure what people are defining as ‘work- but maybe they’re thinking about relationships that are very-conflict driven- i.e, the ‘work’ consists of having to walk around eggshells around the other person, constant fighting, etc. Of course, these are the signs of a withering relationship, imho.
So, I guess we only know what the other posters mean by work if they actually define it.
Honey 85
This is why I said it should be defined. For me, the definition of work is, “things that do not happen by themselves.” Which is, pretty much, everything.
I would argue that good relationships are not emotionally exhausting and do not require that you make sacrifices that make you permanently unhappy, which is what I think others mean by “work.”
Christy 86
Why men should always pay for women on the first date.
Because it sets the initial place and dynamic of the relationship. Men want to be the dominator and if we can let them be that in this one small way (and get to feel like a princess for a moment) it might satisfy the need for larger gender differences.
Why women shouldn’t have sex until they are in a relationship.
Why buy the cow? It’s that simple. Men will put forth the effort that you allow them to. If you set the bar low that’s exactly where they’ll aim. If you set the bar high, the ones that are worthwhile will aim there. If we all stick together on this (women) it will change the ability for men to just get sex without commitment in return.
Why monogamy is the foundation upon which we build our society.
I think it’s human nature to want to bond with one other person.
A-L 87
I’m with Sayanta on this one. Remembering special dates, saying thank you for thoughtful behavior, and just being thoughtful in general is just being part of a relationship. I’d say work is going above and beyond this. It might entail walking on eggshells or having some more serious sacrifices, or trying to find a way around potential dealbreaker issues.
Honey 88
@ Sayanta and A-L -
I’d agree with you both, BUT – those types of things tend to drop off the longer you are with someone (at least a lot of the time). I keep doing things like that in my current relationship, but I have to remember now instead of it oozing out of my pores 24 hours a day like it did in the beginning.
Honey 89
And I think that going “above and beyond” every once in awhile is easy. It is the small things you do every day that are hard work.
Joe 90
Sex is not milk. I do not go out with cows. I go out with women I can have sex with.
Helen 91
Here is my controversial question and opinion, Evan and others:
Is it ever OK for a married person to have sex with someone outside the marriage; say, if one’s spouse is not fulfilling his/her needs?
My opinion is that humans are not meant to be monogamous, just as we are now discovering that even other mammals that were previously believed to be monogamous really are not. So the main reason why married couples should not stray is because of concerns regarding STIs. If there were a way we could completely safeguard against STIs, it would be fine to have sex with others outside the marriage, as long as one still treated one’s spouse lovingly and respectfully.
Well, Evan, you said you wanted controversy.
Kristyn 92
And there we have what truly needs defining: what sex means to us and when to have it. If I am dating someone and their whole purpose in dating me is to have sex, well then they shouldn’t be dating me. To me, it is a bonding experience, there has to be an emotional connection and to find out later it was just sex to him is not a pleasant feeling.
Jennifer 93
I agree with a lot of posters, I’m not putting ‘hard’ on the same level with ‘taking effort’.
When I say rships shouldn’t be hard, I mean in that gut-wrenching, who knows what drama is gonna happen today, hey everybody said this would totally suck sometimes, right?, soul-sucking, is that all there is?, sort of way.
Honey 94
This made me think -
We should not judge our partners’ level of devotion using a standard that is based on the type of affection/attention that is easy for us.
Lance 95
This one is easy. Would love to get your 600 word opinion on the Tiger Woods relationship fiasco.
Ruby 96
I’ve had friends in long marriages and relationships go through very difficult periods: an affair, major depression, lack of desire. They had to work pretty hard to get through these rough patches, but they managed it and the relationships have weathered these crises. Of course, it doesn’t always work out that way, but these were strong relationships.
Joe 97
94: Doesn’t take 600 words! Tiger is toast!
Joe 98
94: Incredible golfer tho. Amazing golfer.
Sas 99
Well Honey, the small things I do every day are not hard work. They come with being compassionate and treating others, especially my partner, the way I want to be treated. And to me, that takes no work at all.
A-L 100
I agree with Ruby that there are times relationships take hard work. But it shouldn’t be hard work all the time. There are some relationships where the easy part only happens once in awhile whereas the hard stuff if the status quo. I think the majority would say that it should be easy most of the time, though inevitably there will be rough patches, but that the rough patches should be far outnumbered by the good ones.
Honey 101
@SAS, #98 – just because it is not work for you does not mean it’s not really hard for some people. And just because it’s hard for some people doesn’t make them bad people.
Obviously those things are not “work” for the kind of people who end up on Evan’s board. However, many of us are not going to end up with someone like that. That’s all I’m saying.
kayla 102
our generations almost unlimited access to choices and information ends up creating a lot of people who are “better dealing” their way through the dating world.