Choosing a Boyfriend is NOT The Same as Choosing a Husband
<< Previous Pages: 1 2
If you take your profile down to focus on a promising new man – even if you don’t have butterflies – it’s not a mistake.
You’re giving a new relationship a chance to grow and breathe.
If you give it a chance and it doesn’t feel right after a month or two or three, you move on, gracefully.
But if you refuse to give any new relationship a chance unless you have that “you just know” feeling, you will find yourself devastated over and over, because clearly you DON’T just know…
Stop thinking that just because you call a man your boyfriend that he HAS to be your husband.
Plus, you’ll never get to see what it’s like to enjoy the act of discovery that comes with merely committing to try on a new relationship.
I’ve often said, “If you’re always moving, you can’t build anything.”
And if you never give a guy a shot unless he takes your breath away, you are destroying your chances for lasting love.
It’s no secret. I wasn’t blown away by my wife. She wasn’t blown away either.
The entire time we were dating I was happy, but I questioned the relationship because it wasn’t what I thought it was supposed to look like.
When I finally proposed, I made an educated guess: I’d learned so much from my dating coaching practice, that I felt I’d be making a huge mistake if I let her go… just to find someone a few years younger with a similar background.
So was I SURE that we were “meant to be” and “soulmates” and all that?
No.
But I was sure about this:
Every relationship where I was sure in the past blew up in my face.
This relationship was, by far, the easiest, healthiest, warmest one I’d ever had.
And if it didn’t meet what I THOUGHT it was supposed to feel like, that just meant that my EXPECTATIONS were WRONG.
Not the relationship.
My expectations.
Your expectations.
Of how it’s “supposed” to feel.
Were wrong.
I took a leap of faith based on my knowledge as a dating coach.
But you don’t have to. You can learn from what I’m sharing here.
I’m now 39 and happily married.
We own a big house in the San Fernando Valley.
We have a ten-month old daughter who makes us smile every day.
We’re having a New Years Eve karaoke party for couples in a few days.
And we both giggle when we think how easy it would have been to pass each other up, merely because we didn’t meet each other’s preconceived image of perfection.
Starting today:
• Stop falling in love with men you barely know. You need YEARS to really assess his worthiness as a life partner.
• Stop giving a free pass to men who give you that FEELING. Chances are, that FEELING allows you to ignore a TON of red flags.
• Stop thinking that just because you call a man your boyfriend that he HAS to be your husband. Dating is a 2-3 year audition – and at any point , either party has the right to break it off if he/she feels that the next 30 years would be a mistake.
• Stop thinking that you have to “just know”. Your gut has led you astray every single time. Maybe this is a good time to use your head a little bit.
Please let me know what you think of this post in the comments section below.
And if I don’t hear from you – if you’re one of the readers who lurks, but never posts – thanks for making this blog into the success it’s been.
Over 1 million people have visited in 2011 to learn more about dating, relationships, and the opposite sex, and I’m honored to be a part of the conversation.
Warmest wishes and a very Happy New Year.
Evan
Pages: 1 2 << previous
Related Posts:
 |
Why He Disappeared is the smart, strong, successful woman's guide to understanding men. If you want to learn how men think, and rediscover how to have meaningful relationships - all from a man's point of view - click here to learn Why He Disappeared. |
Do You Want to Attract the Partner of Your Dreams?
If so, sign up for my free dating and relationship newsletter and receive my free eBook, The 5 Massive Mistakes You're Making In Your Love Life - And How to Turn Them Around Instantly. Simple and effective advice to jumpstart your love life.
56 Comments »Filed Under Finding a Husband
Emily Neto 1
This is by far your best blog!
Thank you….Emily
Fawn 2
Evan, I have learned so much from you. Thank you. I didn’t “just know” that my guy would someday be my husband. I wasn’t “blown away” by him when we first met. He reminded me more of a long lost friend. I often joke that we were separated at birth – twin souls so to speak. I am beyond happy with this man and it’s because I took the time to get to know him without the usual expectations, I didn’t place him in the prospective husband box until we dated for a year and a half. He proposed to me in October (a little over two years after we started dating) and I am over the moon. Ladies, Evan knows what he is talking about. My experience with my soon to be husband confirms that fact everyday. Listen to him and follow his advice closely. His advice will save yourself a lot of heartache.
Maya 3
Oh, again one excellent blog Evan. You never disappoint
.
Thanks for your work. Happy New Year to you and your family.
Heidi 4
Gosh… Evan, I really wish I had found your blog YEARS ago!
SS 5
I agree with Fawn (and Evan)… except I did start to “know” by the six-month mark. But I wasn’t close to madly in love with him at first sight, second sight, third sight or fourth sight! In fact the day after our first date, I went out with a girlfriend and she asked how it went. I said, “it was nice, he was cool,” and that’s it!
Now, I can’t imagine living without him! We married 17 months after that first date.
Laura 6
Happy New Year Evan! I’m learning. Thanks for being a good teacher.
Chris 7
This blog has helped me focus back onto how to slow down and build something. Thanks Evan for all your help and advice here and in the Focus Coaching.
2012 here I come!
nathan 8
Agree with everyone above. There is some important stuff in this post. One thing to consider, though, is that most of us don’t actually know how to read “our gut feelings” very well. They’ve become obscured with all the artificial rules and fairy tale crap that Evan points out. I’d argue that at a core level, we each can access a knowing about whether someone is right for us or not. But that knowing isn’t going to happen overnight; you need to spend significant time with someone. And you also have to repeatedly question all those stories about how it’s “supposed to be” until you see what actually is.
La Miss 9
OK Evan, it worked. You’ve coaxed me out of the woodwork. I’ve been one of your regular lurkers since the summer… and I’m now officially addicted to your blog! My parents taught me good manners, so if nothing else I’d like to say thank you thank you thank you. For offering me a perspective on relationships that I otherwise would not have access to. And thank you too to the intelligent and passionate regular commentators that you attract. I love a good debate… and this blog definitely delivers on that front. For what it’s worth, I also voted for you for the iDate Awards - all the best with that.
A Happy New Year to you and yours.
Stacy 10
I love your advice, Evan! This was a great post! Happy New Year!!!
Diana 11
This post is absolutely accurate! I am now in a loving relationship of almost two years with a truly exceptional man-one I did not have that “you just know” feeling for when we first started dating. For me, the time I have spent with him can be likened more to a sweet, old-fashioned courtship, and I LOVE it! had I not purchased Evan’s book and stopped making the same silly mistakes repeatedly, I would have NEVER reached this point. I am an attorney in my late thirties so, yes, I was disproportionately attracted to Alpha men. Once I realized the profundity of the lessons Evan imparts, I stopped making the same mistake with different men. On Christmas day, my guy asked me to please send him pictures of my idea engagement ring. The funny thing is that I feel so blessed to have him that I would marry him with a cigar band on my finger. All of this love, and yet I did NOT have the butterflies or a case of the “you just knows”. Ladies, listen to Evan.
melie 12
Yes, Evan! You are so right! Feelings can’t be trusted and neither can the initial “turn on” factor. Try telling that to the male population. There are very few wise men out there. I want a man to get how I think and I want to get him. Why is it that people think you will just meet up and know? What a load of crap! I am still listening and waiting for the right one. In the mean time I am playing with someone else. We know we are not in love, but seriously enjoy one anothers company and if it lasts, that’s a good thing; if not, I think we will both be okay with that too.
God bless you and your little family!
Carol 13
Thank you Evan for all of your good advice. Every article keeps me on track and getting over a breakup that wasn’t right. I am learning so much as a senior citizen looking for love. My New Years resolution is to finish getting my profile done and actively pursue meeting my soulmate. Wishing you and your family a very Happy New Year.
Casey 14
This was Excellent, I read everything you write but for some reason had an ah ha moment with this one…..two of the best and most long term relationships I know are those that started with the women being less than “struck” by the men but both men ended up being absolutely wonderful boyfriends and the ultimately husbands.
Thank you!!!
Lenny 15
Thank you so much Evan! Since I knew your blog I’ve been addicted reading all your blogs. Keep it up! It’s very informative and educational. It comforts me and save me from deep heartaches. It gives me more knowledge on how to understand, love and keep a man/partner/boyfriend. You’re the best dating coach man! Wish I knew your website 5 years ago…
May you have many more clients to come and God bless you more!
Gina 16
Spot on Evan!! This is most definitely your best blog ever!! I listened to and followed your advice and am now in a relationship with a wonderful man. I am 49, and since I have been married twice before, I do not feel the need to get married again. I am simply living in the moment and enjoying this relationship for as long as it lasts.
CK @ GodMenandMoney.com 17
This was a good one.
I just wish the “you just don’t know message” was embedded in our culture more.
I’ve seen so many friends hold on to relationships because they ‘felt’ a guy, boyfriend, dude they were dating was their ‘husband’…only to find out he wasn’t. It is quite empowering to approach a relationship/new beau with the mindset that he isn’t my husband until he is…
Daphne 18
Hi Evan, that column really made me think.
So, two or three years- but not longer ?
Jeanne 19
Evan, this is such a refreshing article! There is so much common sense that people need to apply from reading it. I think every single person should read this article if they want to find long-lasting success in a relationship.
Good for you for waiting 6 months to decide if your current wife was “the one” and for making the decision for all of the right reasons.
I have always enjoyed your blogs, but this is the first one that I want to share with single friends and my fellow DivorceCare facilitators.
starthrower68 20
All good reminders Evan, and ones that I’ve needed very much.
Addai 21
Right on as usual, Evan! I love hearing your advice because you’re always on point! I think I’m definitely one of those woman waiting for the butterfly feeling all the time and have passed up some good guys because of that!
Brenda 22
HI Evan, this column rocked! I feel as though Diana @11 and I are sisters, (i.e. attorneys going for the alpha male) except you know I am in my mid-50s, divorced after many years, with two sons with special needs and you helped me with my online dating profile and also coached me.
I have been following your advice and your blog steadily over the past few years since our coaching finished and I am happy to say I took a leap of faith and started to date men who I was not immediately attracted to. None of my “I just knew………” dating situations had ever panned out so I decided to try what you asked me to do.
I allowed my relationships to grow over time……There were a number of men I dated where I thought something might develop and it did not. I just kept putting myself out there in the dating world and felt that if I learned at least one thing from each man I dated, even if we only saw each other once, I became a better person because of it.
Enter my fiancé………he is my age, lives 1/2 hr away from me, and I am happy to say, has expanded my horizons by NOT meeting my old list of “expectations”. He is such a wonderful man, loves me and loves my sons, and has made my life better in so many ways. He proposed to me on Christmas night with a ring in hand, and I have you to thank for it, Evan!
I shudder to think what I would have missed if I had insisted that the man had to meet my long list of “expectations”.
Margaret 23
I think Evan’s advice here is fabulous. Only, not for people over, say 40. I am 50. I was 28 when I got divorced, for all of the wrong reasons. If only Evan had been around when I was 30, I think my whole life would have turned out differently.
Even though I look way younger than what I am, I know that my odds for finding someone I am interested in are slim to none. More likely, I will find a beaten-down old badger, looking for a nurse or a purse. I know that my odds of finding someone my age or thereabouts , that is reasonably attractive and wants a woman over 30, are slim to none. God, I am so depressed today, because I know that it would take a miracle for me to find a man even remotely attractive.
Evan, I know you are an atheist and I respect that, but I am grateful I am a good Catholic girl who will hopefully find better in the afterlife.
Margaret 24
I meant to say, I married for all of the wrong reasons.
Mmmmmm 25
Excellent post! I’m in a one year relationship and still don’t know…
nom de plume 26
18 months max for a proposal or I’m off its simple. In fact i think i’ll probably kill my own chances with any date because i start as i mean to go on. Either your both feet in or out. I don’t have time for waisting mine or anyone else’s time especially in matters of the heart, yet if i don’t get that feeling of sparks… i don’t care how nice they are i won’t be putting out, thats not to say i wouldn’t give someone i felt attraction for who didn’t make me swoon a chance, in fact i’d agree that it had more of a chance as you wouldn’t be so blinded by the superficial cover of a parcel. 2-3 years though no chance… More like a few months for me I don’t think guys like starving for water for 2 – 3 years and i’m not putting out till there is a ring on my finger with a man at my feet begging for it, after all i am a man magnet and he’s a man or a horse thats been drinking piss and dying for some water, when women realise that they are the fountain, they won’t take crap from no one. A horse who’s had piss and had water but traded in water for piss and went starving for a while will fall over him self to be with a lovely fountain. Gosh i wish that people would just get over the idea that its about trying and just get on living and enjoying them selves. Its horrible when i see people trading them selves in for piss and not water. By water i mean good o’l fashioned love. Where the guy can’t do enough for you and you love him for it and let him no without all of these stupid games. Just tell the hangers on or the piss drinkers to go somewhere else and just tell them that there is only love on tap here so they either get on with it or piss off. At least by the 3rd date know for gods sake where you are both from where you’re going to and what you’d like out of life. Don’t give him a sip from your cup until you know… Save yourself the flaming heartache, its not worth it, regardless of how much like David flaming Beckham he looks or Keanu or who ever you built a picture of as a good looking = fantastic dream boat….
Beth 27
Evan – I’m a loyal reader of your blog, but a very infrequent commenter. However, I just had to respond to this blog because it is so spot on. I am currently in a relationship with the most wonderful man, who I definitely wasn’t “wowed” by on our first, second, third dates. But, I was determined to do things differently this time and I stuck to your lessons in “Why he Disappeared” and “Finding the One Online” and saw this one through. Why? Because he did everything you said a quality boyfriend does – followed up immediately after our first date saying he wanted to see me again, wanted to be exclusive after a month, makes me and my needs a priority, is easy (I’m the one with the more “difficult” personality – I LOVED your blog post addressing that concept, by the way), etc., etc….. It’s almost 8 months later and we’re talking marriage and a future – a place I NEVER thought I would be. Like many of the other commenters here, a million thank you’s for all that you have done. You have truly made a huge difference in my life.
Wishing you and your family a happy, healthy 2012!
Evan Marc Katz 28
@Nom de Plume – I would suggest that your 18 months max rule is based on your needs, not men’s needs, and, as such, bears little weight in the reality-based community.
Then again, given all the “crap” and “piss” in your post, I think that your stance on marriage is the least of your issues.
nom de plume 29
@Evan Marc Katz if a guy isn’t interested in providing for your needs i guess he better get his needs met else where without trying to make a fountain a place to piss. Either he respects her as a fountain of love or he pisses off. Its really simple, you state, he states, either you do or you don’t why should it be any skin off of anyones noses now that you have told everyone what men are really all about?
and of course its reality for what is real for one is real or haven’t men worked that out yet?
Honey 30
My husband Jake proposed after almost five years (though we eloped right away) – I knew he was different from other guys on our first date but I don’t think I really felt secure until six months after we’d been married, either. I think he knew after 2 years (which is when we moved in together, he didn’t want to live with anyone else until he knew he’d marry them) but waiting for confirmation didn’t hurt anyone.
still looking 31
NDP@27&29 -
A woman can be a man magnet but don’t forget that magnets can repel as well as they attract. When I meet a woman who thinks so highly of herself and expects me to be “begging for it” one word comes to mind — NEXT!
pd 32
Excelent post again Evan! When I read your posts, the common sense of everything you say hits home.
I don’t know how many times I have had ‘that feeling’ with a man and ‘just felt’ he was right for me only to have it blow up in my face. Inevitably and always.
I have changed the way I date due to your great advice and if I go out with someone and I have ‘that feeling’ I am taking a big step back and having another look at what is really going on. You’re right, ‘that feeling’ does mask a whole lot of red flags and I am seeing the pattern of where I have been going wrong for a lot of years.
I have met a couple of very nice men in the last 2 months and I have found without the overwhelming chemistry that I was hooked on for so long and always looked for in a man, it is much easier to see if he is kind, consistent and is treating me well. For that piece of information only I thank you Evan.
nom de plume 33
I agree with you on that score, its a union and not a one does this or that contest, at least i like to think of it as our primitive needs must be met for the long haul rather than the eye candy wow the worlds full of candy times of a teen ager. A woman and man should both have their needs satisfied in a partnership, not much point otherwise. If he doesn’t want to protect that wonderful creature of a woman that he’s got to look after and protect in that big cave man jungle out there he seriously needs to see a head doctor. She doesn’t have to be what ever the going term is these days for a super glam doll with pockets to match, although she does have to be an amazing woman, yet everywoman is that once they get clear with them selves. Thats what makes them a fountain. When a guy gets clear with him self i think you call it growing up or becoming a man, generally not swinging the tarzan snake around to every single jane and actually being a little more specific about who’s going to be shopping for your groceries and cooking your meals, and fast forward, holding your hand when your dying or choosing to put you in a nursing home or not and all of the other fantastic bits that happen in our not so advanced civilisation…. It really isn’t or we wouldn’t be having anything to say about the obvious situations people find them selves in today with relationships. Isn’t it surprising that you can pass a qualification in psychology and know nothing about human relationships between people you have one guide and one god to help you through it all. The god is now GOOGLE in 2011 – 12 GOD of ask a question and get an answer, and also self which says INTUITIVELY …. Ah… this looks exactly right exactly that piece of that puzzle… hmmm it all makes sense to me now… I think i’ll reprogram my beliefs and behaviours a little and get better results… You will never stop an orange being an orange though so don’t be hard on your self or the ones you are with to fit into some other ideal. Women are wonderful when they are empowered about them selves to adore them selves and tell you their needs and yes expect them to be met,,, Darn right. You expect yours met, sure you might not get them met all the time as most of the time one can handle their own needs yet when you are dealing with WOMEN. The fountain of emotion and heart and love don’t piss on a fountain.
Michael17 34
It’s great to read the responses on here, and I agree with EMK, but as a guy, I am also a little suspicious. My experience in dating (much of it online for what it is worth) is that women need to feel “chemistry” on the first date for there to be a second. This going by “chemistry” approach goes against what EMK is suggesting in his blog here. Yet most of the women are agreeing with EMK. Do most of the readers on here really have different dating habits from those of the general US female population?
I have followed EMK’s blog to know that the female readers here do feel free to, and will indeed, express disagreement when that is what they feel.
Soul Sister 35
@Margaret 23
I am a regular reader of the blogs too and sometimes post. However, I have to give Margaret some encouragement!! I am 50 and have been dating a man I am crazy about for 5 months now. I met him on Match and he is 52. I came out of one of those “Love of my life” relationships with an old college boyfriend that was a chemistry filled, addictive, self-esteem eroding horror. I thought I would never have that immediate chemistry again with anyone, and to be honest, I didn’t want it. Too damn scary and out of control. I followed lots of Evan’s free advice here that you can glean from his blog and also bought the ebook Why He Disappeared. So I went back on match with a whole new attitude. I did make a slight lie, I put 49 instead of 50 on my profile because so many men cut off at 50. I met with any man who I thought sounded normal and I had even a hint of attraction to, which I never did before. After about 3 months and probably 20 meet and greets, met my boyfriend. I did think he was very attractive the first date but something happened on that 4th date – the chemistry did hit!! And by then I was pretty sure he had good core values. So right now I have it all, the great boyfriend, who did ALL THE THINGS EVAN TELLS YOU THEY SHOULD DO (and because of Evan I recognized them) and chemistry that rocks my world.
Margaret, please don’t give up! This man may or may not be my future, but I feel like a teenager again and it is very fun. We are not dead at 50 and there are many 40+ men who think we are still pretty darn hot…to them. Good luck!!
Evan, Happy New Year! To an alpha woman who had no brothers, no father, no uncles, and no grandfather, you are helping me make sense of men and what they need from women. The woman my boyfriend sees today is a woman no man has ever seen, because I didn’t know they needed to see my softer side. And boy does he respond well to that softer side
Thank you!
Jheart 36
To Michael17, yes, EMK’s readers are different from the normal female population. The information and advice he provides is completely different from the advice we get from our girlfriends or Cosmo or wherever. It’s rather earth-shattering, confusing at first and takes loads of practice, which is why we keep coming back for more advice. As a man, it would be common sense to you, but it is the opposite of how we are raised and programmed. Find an EMK girl and you will find a refreshing new dating style.
Brenda 37
@Margaret 23 - I agree 100% with Soul Sister #23 – I am 55, met my fiancé on match.com and he is 54……….wonderful man and we both feel like teenagers because we enjoy each other so much.
My fiancé treats me just as Evan told us a wonderful man should – - and to think that I almost didn’t give this man a chance because many of his profile photos were not that appealing. So much better in person and with a big Italian, warm, affectionate personality to match!
Dating is not for the faint-of-heart……..and like anything in life – sports, employment, etc, you have to dust yourself off and get up again.
2012 can be a wonderful year for you!
daisy 38
Love this article! Gives me hope…. Ready for the new year!
Natalie 39
Wonderful post. Thanks a lot, Evan.
Rhiann 40
Absolutely agree. I do not have the “just know” feeling with my current boyfriend. I didn’t really have much expectation on him cos I thought we might not even last for 6 months (based on my experience, the max life span of my past relationships).But now, we are into a year in relationship. This is the most comfortable & happiest relationship I’d ever had. Rather than saying, I do not have expectations. In fact, he meets my core needs, hence I have no urge of pursuing other desires (or expectations) from the relationship.
Michael17 41
Thanks Jheart #36.
In all fairness though, men are shallow in that we screen for looks. We tend to go by looks just as women tend to go by “chemistry”. That said though, we men tend to be easier to please at least once we are on a first date. Do we find you physically attractive? Do you seem into us? Do you seem like basically a good person? Do our lifestyles at least partially match up? Do you not come across as too needy or pushy? (As you can see, not much deep soul searching required to answer–we men really are simple.) Then we most likely will want a second date with you.
Gem 42
Evan, you mentioned that dating to find a husband is a 2 -3 year audition, but I’m guessing, like me, most of the women reading this blog are aged 35-45 and if we give each man that long we will run out of time to have the happy married life we want and certainly any chance of children. What do you think?
Robyn 43
So… what is worse: Rushing into marriage with the wrong person just so you can have a baby, or taking your time to find some one who is the right partner for you (but forgo having children if finding that person takes longer & your eggs pass their sell-by date)?
I’ve seen quite a few women that hit 35 & become “baby-crazy” – desperately on the hunt for a baby-daddy so they can have a baby (or two) before they hit 40. This backfires on multiple levels. Firstly, guys can sense the desperation and it pushes them away; and secondly, if you manage to hook a “baby-daddy” and all you have in common with them is your desire to produce & rear a child(ren), IMHO the relationship is not going to last too well.
I’ve seen more than a few marriages end in divorce as soon as the youngest child hit 18 / went away to college. With no children around, Mom & Dad had nothing to talk about / activities they shared. They were co-parents and that was about it.
SS 44
Gem,
I know Evan has a different opinion on this, but I have been of the belief that if a man is never married with no children (but wants both) and in his late 30s, then it won’t take longer than one year for him to propose. This was what I heard from dating coaches and matchmakers who noticed this pattern with their male clients. Sometimes, those men wanted to propose even sooner, and the coaches told them to slow down!
This advice held true with my husband, who was 37 when I met him, never married and with no kids. We had a serious conversation about marriage after six months and then the proposal came six months after that. We were ring shopping around nine months.
I just feel that when you’ve reached a certain point in your life, you know what you want and you don’t feel the need to prolong the process. I know this is not true of every man, but my personal experience and the advice I was given went in this direction.
Shela 45
Although I agree with you, that you need to give people space to “audition”, I’m sure that Ive always had a level of chemistry with anyone that I’ve been happy with, and that I could’t create that with my head. The chemistry can disapate, when you get to know someone but I’ve never had it the other way around.
Erinlee 46
This post fits well with my current relationship. I started 2011 with the attitude that I was going to meet and date as many men as I could. I went on one date with a man this spring and told him I was not looking for a relationship and that I was only interested in dating for the time being. He was very persistent and we went on quite a few more dates and after two months and him having asked me twice, I decided I was ready to be in a committed relationship. I hadn’t gone out on a date with any other men. After initially meeting him, and after date #1 I knew he was a nice guy but I really didn’t think I would end up having very strong feelings for him. Well, I was very wrong. I suppose I wanted that spark right away, I expected him to be different, I expected how we ‘were’ around each other to be different. I didn’t expect it to be so relaxed and comfortable, I expected more ‘excitement’ and butterflies I guess you could say. We were just so comfortable around each other and it didn’t take me very long to decide I would like to spend the rest of my life with him. On New Year’s Eve, much to my surprise (I didn’t think he would be ready so soon) he proposed to me! It was romantic beautiful and wonderful and I’m ecstatic! What would have happened if I had turned down date #2 because I wasn’t super excited about him? Wow, I would have missed out. I could have chosen many different paths and none of them would have led me to him, I’m thankful everyday I wake up next to him.
SS 47
Congratulations Erinlee!
So, you’re telling me that you just met him in 2011, and in less than a year, he proposed? Yep, that fits with my experience!
Many happy wishes to you as you two build your life together!
Erinlee 48
We met the week of February 14th. Thank you for the congrats and wishes
Fawn 49
@ Margaret #23. I would like to follow up my original post with my age which is 51. My fiance is 50. Love CAN and DOES happen after 40. We are getting married in October. It’s not a loss cause. You just need to keep believing and putting yourself out there. Don’t give up!!
FashionMaven 50
This entire thread has given me such HOPE! I’ve been reading Evan’s blog for a while (a few months) and rarely ever replied to any of his blog posts… but after reading it and the responses, I had to reply!
I have made a decision to go on as many dates/meet-n-greets as I can this year (no less than 30!) and everyone’s success stories are really inspiring me.
And I agree with Evan’s post too – I think so many of us get caught up in how we think we should feel and how we expect to feel that we can truly miss out. I had an experience in the past where I actually overlooked someone pretty amazing and only discovered the amazingness through a long friendship. That situation hasn’t panned out sadly, but it’s convinced me not to overlook certain men just because they don’t “look” how we women are told they are supposed to look like. It turns out – the problem wasn’t him – it was my warped expectations of what love was supposed to be like. I can honestly say I’ve learned more about love and relationships from that friendship than from any past relationship I’ve had.
Hopefully I will be able to put that knowledge to good use in the future.
JET 51
“Literally every single woman reading this has had a feeling that felt true, but turned out to be false.”
Nope, not true for me. I feel like he might be The One sometimes, like he has potential, but so far I have never felt that he is. That didn’t stop me from dating and even marrying guys, and some of those have been incredible relationships. I think that one day I will feel like I have met The One, and I agree that it might take years to feel that way.
Meghan 52
Wow.
I just found your blog this evening and have been reading with wide eyes.
Since my divorce I have been doing a lot of personal counselling and have grown hugely over the last few years…but you have encapsulated everything about what went wrong, what I need and needed to hear about dating.
Excellent. You’ve gained a loyal blog follower.
Yasmine 53
I did like what you said and used my head. i am extremely happy in my marriage as a result.
Becky 54
So new to the dating world after a long marriage that ended in divorce and already have made so many of the mistakes you’re warning of.
Kali 55
I believe the older you get the more you get out of finding a boyfriend mode and into finding that perfect husband mode which in turn leads you to be too picky or in some cases desperate. I never found myself looking for a husband. I was roommates with my husband before we even became a couple and then one day it hit me, he would make a good boyfriend. After being together for 4 years I then realized he would make an amazing husband and father. Going from looking for a boyfriend and looking for a husband shows a big sign of maturity in a person.
Angela 56
Hi Evan,
Thanks for this blog, I too have fallen for that trap of pursuing relationships because I got that feeling or the butterflies in my stomach, only to be left wondering what happened a year down the track, or what I saw in the guy!