How Can I Get My Boyfriend to Understand I Love Him But Don’t Always Want to Have Sex?

How Can I Get My Boyfriend to Understand I Love Him But Don’t Always Want to Have Sex

I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 3 years. I’m 28 and he’s 26. We’re moving in together next month, will be living together for a year, and then I’ll be sent away to serve as a medical professional in the Navy. I have concerns about not being able to fulfill his sexual appetite now, and more so when I’m away.

In these past 3 years we have seen each other consistently about 3-5 days a week, and we live close to each other. There are only a handful of times I can remember where we got together and didn’t have sex. However, I feel like our sex drives are completely out of sync. He wants to have sex or have me satisfy him every time we see each other, and I just can’t seem to keep up with him and get in the mood myself. Regardless, I please him almost every time we see each other to keep him satisfied, but it can be difficult after my longer days of work. I’m completely exhausted and on top of that I feel the pressure to satisfy him. I never fake sex or pleasure, and there are times where he is disappointed that I’m just not into it. He makes me feel bad that I couldn’t at least pretend to enjoy it.

I finally worked up the guts to have what I felt was an awkward conversation about our sex life about 6 months ago. I explained that I find him so attractive, and that I think we have a great sex life, but that we have different sex drives and it’s tough for me to get in the mood at times. I also told him that it feels like the focus of our relationship is sex and not so much the things that are important to me, which is another reason I may not be as aroused. We agreed that I’ll be more open with him, and let him know when I’m not in the mood, and he’s going to try harder to fulfill my needs.

Since then he has romanced me a little more, which has resulted in a little more passion from me, but I’m still feeling the mismatch when it comes to sex. I’ve been more vocal telling him when I’m tired. So now instead of cutting to the chase, he’ll ask me if I mind if he touches himself, and I respond of course not. Then he’ll ask if he can touch me, and again I have no problem with that. This always leads to him asking if I could touch him, and it’s as if he either forgot or didn’t care that I just said I was tired. I don’t want to reject his request so I do, but I’m completely annoyed that he just doesn’t understand.

I genuinely feel that he loves me and values having me in his life, and he talks about our future all the time. But I’ve been close to tears in frustration feeling like my main purpose is to keep him sexually satisfied, and that it’s the only reason why he makes the effort to spend time with me. Well… I know that’s the main reason any guy puts effort into seeing their girl, but is it too much to ask that we spend the day together and he doesn’t try anything at the end? I don’t want to beat a dead horse by continuing to have these conversations with him, but I also don’t think he really understands what I’m feeling.

I badly want to keep him happy, but I feel like I’m not going to be enough for him if we tone things down, especially when I leave for the Navy and only see each other a couple times a month. What can be a happy compromise for both of us?

Ashley

I don’t like the way this sounds, Ashley.

This is not to suggest that he’s a bad guy, per se, only to acknowledge what you wrote yourself:
“I’m still feeling the mismatch when it comes to sex.”

And, like I’ve written on many occasions, anything that you choose to be a dealbreaker is a dealbreaker.

For some people, it’s religion. For others, it’s money. For others, it’s height.

Neither of you really wants to make the “happy compromise” that it will take to make your relationship work.

For you, it may be incompatible sex drives.

Listen, it sounds like you’re mature for your age, and you’re handling this about as well as you can. You’ve voiced your feelings. He heard you and made a sort of attempt to appease you. But he wants what he wants. You want what you want. And neither of you really wants to make the “happy compromise” that it will take to make your relationship work. You each want the other person to compromise on your behalf. That’s not terribly surprising, but if you can’t agree on a mutually agreeable solution, there’s nothing that you can really do to salvage things.

Sorry if that sounds like a gloomy diagnosis – I know I’m working off limited information. But if I’m a guy with a high sex drive, who can’t really accept no for an answer, and then my girlfriend is leaving for a military tour of duty? I’m probably not content with that solution. I’m turning to porn first and eventually either insisting that you move back home, looking for another sexual outlet, or breaking up with you. Even if I’m wrong about all of the above, you’re still stuck in the same place – a stalemate between your needs and his needs.

Rest assured that most men’s desires taper off to a more reasonable level over time.

I’m more like you and I’m sympathetic to your more moderate drive, but unless

    a. You can keep up this every-night performance for the rest of your life or…
    b. He can take no for an answer sometimes, and be content with his own hand from time to time…

You’re facing a serious incompatibility problem, no different than when one person wants kids and the other doesn’t. I would have a very serious problem-solving heart-to-heart with him and openly discuss the possible points of compromise.

If they can’t be bridged, you can rest assured that most men’s desires taper off to a more reasonable level over time. Good luck.

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Comments:

  1. 1
    ScottH

    “rest assured that most men’s desires taper off to a more reasonable level over time”

    yeah, probably like another 20 years for her guy.

    1. 1.1
      Adrian

      Hi ScottH,

       

      I remember a few years ago I met a older guy about 60 and he was telling me about a girl he dated when he was in college (so I would say about 18-22 years old).

       

      She always wanted sex every day, he wanted more. He loved her and wanted to do couple things, go out together, and just spend time together talking.

       

      Because he loved her, he was doing everything he could to make her happy sexually (even agreed to a threesome with another woman that he didn’t want).

       

      He tried to explain to her how he felt, but like the writers boyfriend, she said one thing and did another. Anyway, he met back up with her when they were both older in their 60s (which was why he was telling me the story); and from what he told me, she was still the same, always wanting sex.

      …   …   …

      By the way, my 22 year old, horny self, thought he was crazy for dumping a girl who always wanted sex! I almost fell off my chair when he said she wanted a threesome with another woman and he didn’t want it; because he didn’t want to share her with anyone!

       

      Of course, I wasn’t capable of understanding different sex drives; nor did I understand that all men didn’t just crave sex over relationships. I was as much of a victim to the stereotypes about men and sex as any woman were.

    2. 1.2
      Nissa

      I’d agree with ScottH, that people’s internal sex drive doesn’t change that much. I have two coworkers that are a couple in their late 50’s, and they have sex almost every day. Yes, I know I have a really open workplace. It’s because a) it’s mostly women and b) most of us have known each other over a decade, so there’s little we don’t know about each other’s lives.

      1. 1.2.1
        ScottH

        Nissa- are there any openings where you work?  Where do i send my resume?

        1. Nissa

          I work in Southern California, Public Health. So it’s no surprise that in general it’s a ‘no judgment, you do you (and whoever else falls within your current gender /sexual orientation interests), lol.

        2. Emily, the original

          Nissa,

          To add to ScottH’s comment … could you send me pics of the men at your place of employment.?

          Thank you.

        3. Nissa

          Lol guys. All are welcome. But be forewarned – while we constitute a veritable pupu platter of individuals, we collectively spend a lot of time celebrating, and have the plump physiques to prove it :-).

        4. GoWiththeFlow

          Nissa,

          OMG, 2 late 50’s people with “plump physiques” who have sex every day!?!?   Impossible!  Their SMVs are in the negative range!   They have NO value which equals NO sex!

          And you say they’re married?!?!  Certainly can’t be!  Everyone knows marriage kills sex!

          😉

        5. SQ

          Gowithtjeflow, you are hilarious. 😆

        6. Liz

          haha!

    3. 1.3
      Blondie99

      I am dating a man who is 46 I am 38 and he has a much lower drive than I do, and I find that man over 40 do in general, I just don’t think they want to admit it or accept it will happen, so I have the opposite problem.  Men my age or younger give me all the sex I want but generally make terrible partners but older men leave me frustrated.   It is definitely less frequent, they want it less and they cannot come back as easily as younger men or do it as often.

      1. 1.3.1
        BrilliantQuiet

        I really don’t think age is any predictor of someone’s sex drive. I’m 39 and my now ex Fiance was 49 when we ended things just over 6 months ago. He had an equally rediculous sex drive and our incompatibility was regrettably too great to overcome for similar reason described by Ashley. Evan’s insight and warnings regarding this topic are spot on.

    4. 1.4
      Christine

      Okay, I stand corrected after hearing all these stories about randy older people–maybe it doesn’t go down for everyone!  But, it does sound like these two are incompatible in that area and it’ll be hard to bridge that gap.

  2. 2
    Christine

    Oh boy this is a tough one.  I’m just wondering, what is their relationship like outside the bedroom?  One thing that really concerns me is that she feels her “main purpose is to keep him sexually satisfied, and that it’s the only reason why he makes the effort to spend time with me”.  

    Of course, not to say that relationships should have no sex (otherwise what you have is a friendship, not a romantic relationship).  However, sex should not be the “only” reason he wants to be with her either.  Sex all by itself is not enough and a relationship needs to be based on something more than that.

    I think that with age, the overall energy for sex will (generally) tend to decrease.  Of course, there might be exceptions and people who do it multiple times a day into their 80s.  But I don’t know if that’s common enough to count on that–especially in her case when she’s moderate even at age 28.  I’m in my mid-30s and my guy is in his early 40s, and I’m pretty sure our sex drives have gone down from our 20s, rather than up.  Luckily, we really enjoy spending time together without that too, and have a foundation of friendship.

    So even without her career in the Navy, there’s a good chance that things would be “toned down” in that department as more time goes by.  Add her Navy career to the mix and it’ll “tone down” even faster.  When the sex diminishes, do they have another foundation to fall back on, to keep this relationship going?

     

  3. 3
    Kim

    Listen to Evan, Ashley. I had this same incompatibility problem in my marriage, although I didn’t know my husband long enough before we married to know we were incompatible. Over the 24 yrs we were married, his drive never lessened, and while mine was up and down, it was never at his level. It’s one of the main reasons our marriage ended. (And he did step outside our marriage when he didn’t get it from me.) Save yourself the trouble now, before you go any further. Yes, it will be painful, but if you cannot find a compromise, it will also be better in the long run. Hugs and best of luck to you.

  4. 4
    Malika

    The incompatible sex drive can be compromised on. Many couples encounter the same problem and find a happy medium. That which sounds far more worrying is the perceived lack of attention to the other facets of the relationship.

    Does she feel that there is not enough emotional intimacy within the relationship? Is he enthusiastic about doing non-sexual activities together? I would also feel deeply frustrated if the whole focus of being together is only to pleasure him.

     

    It sounds as if he thinks that if she gets into the mood by touching herself, that will automatically mean she will want to have sex with him. If only life were that easy! I once dated a guy who was very demanding about sex. We had a pretty even sex drive, but the demanding attitude was a turn off, made me feel like an unpaid prostitute. How you communicate your needs is just as important as tackling an uneven sex drive.

    1. 4.1
      Adrian

      Hi Malika,

       

      I am curious, what do you mean by demanding if you both had equal sex drives?

       

      Are you saying he pressured you into sex? You wanted sex but not with him?

       

      I ask because I was always told, “don’t marry someone unless you have sexual compatibility with them” by both older man and older women.

       

      Yet, I’m getting from your comment that a couple can be sexaually compadable physically and still not be compatible sexually mentally and emotionally…

       

      Is that what you are saying?

      1. 4.1.1
        SparklingEmerald

        Hi Adrian – I know this question wasn’t directed to me, but I’ll share my opinion on how someone can be “demanding” even in a relationship with “pretty even” libidos.

        Even in couples that are pretty evenly matched (let’s say for example, 3-4 times a week works well for both), in an LTR there will still be times when both are not in the mood or available at the same time.

        A “demanding” partner can be someone who demands sex at an inopportune time.  Wanting morning sex, even tho they know it will make their partner late for work, wanting sex when their partner is ill, wanting sex during that time of the month (many women, even with very high drives just aren’t feeling it at that time), wanting sex when their partner is intently engaged in another activity.  The demanding partner might say things like, “Aw c’mon, can’t you call your boss and say you’re running late ?”  “I don’t mind if it’s that time of month”  or “Do you HAVE do your scrap booking, reading, gardening, sewing, or whatever right NOW ?”  The demanding partner won’t take “No” for an answer.  The demanding partner won’t accept the promise of love making at a later time.  The demanding partner expects their S.O. call in late for work, to stop whatever project the other is working on right then and there,  and will pout and guilt the other partner for not meeting their needs RIGHT NOW !   In all but one obvious example, it can be the man or the woman doing this.

        The other way one can be sexually demanding, when the frequency of sex is fairly evenly matched is in the place or manner of sex.  The demanding partner might have some kink that their partner doesn’t share, and then THAT particular flavor of sex becomes their obsession.  (Threesome, back door sex, sex in a semi-public setting, etc.)

        IMO, if 2 people have closely matched frequency & variety desires, and one partner still becomes demanding about sex, the over all relationship is probably pretty poor and the sexual demands are a symptom.  Could even be a power struggle that is playing out.  Each person will accuse the other of trying to get the ‘upper hand’ in the power struggle — the demanding partner will accuse to other of “withholding” sex to gain the upper hand, the demanded upon partner will accuse the demander of trying to exert power of the other with their sexual demands.  JMHO – YMMV.

         

        1. Malika

          Sparkling Emerald sums it up pretty well. You can date someone who you find really attractive and your sex drive can be comparable to yours. So far so good.

          But if he demands sex very quickly, can’t respect your boundaries if you want to take it slow and gradually escalate sexual intimacy, and, without getting too explicit here, attends to his needs without being all that bothered with yours, then you still have the problem of being sexually incompatible.

          I don’t want to demonize people with a huge sex drive. People are not in Tiger Woods territory if they want to have sex more than a couple of times a week. I have had periods in my life when my sex drive was much higher than any person I was dating (if I could have had it every day I would have, but there wasn’t a man out there who was like minded!) and that didn’t make me an inconsiderate person who only thought of the men I was with in a purely physical manner. It did make a long term relationship problematic, because i felt frustrated, and looking back, I wish I had been more patient and laid back with the men i was with instead of constantly searching for the guy who was going to be up for it 24/7.

          The problem arises when you are only thinking of your own sexual outlets and sadly, the story above sounds as if she doesn’t feel she is seen by her boyfriend as anything other than a sexual outlet.

      2. 4.1.2
        Adrian

        SparklingEmerald and Malika,

        Thank you both for your replies, I understand what you each meant.

        But

        I see that it seems hard (off paper) to tell the difference between a partner who is selfishly demanding and a partner who just has a higher sex drive- at least to me it does.

        1. Malika

          I understand. I think it’s something you have to experience in real life in order to be able to tell the difference.

          For me, the difference lies in how considerate the person with the higher sex drive is. Are they able to consider the feelings of the other person, and look for a happy medium?

          The same goes for the person with the lower sex drive. If they aren’t willing to find a happy medium, then they are also not accounting for their partner’s needs.

          Sometimes the only solution is to pull the plug. Someone with a higher sex drive who states honestly that they don’t envisage themselves in the relationship because their sexual needs aren’t being met is not being selfish, they’re being honest.

  5. 5
    Suzanne Hendricks Poole

    Evan is right on here.  At your age, you are at peak energy to meet life’s demands and maintain with your fella.  But it’s already actually an issue.  You’ve already had the talk.  I don’t think I was aware until my fifties that we all have different base drives.  At your age, married in my mid twenties, I accommodated because I thought it was my duty.  But was seriously exhausted by morning and evening and occasional nooners.  Divorced twenty years later, I’ve now had several different relationships and perspective.

    The reality is that I know I’m happier with a Mr. Moderate, a few times weekly with lots of affection daily.  The high drive fellas?  Regardless of morning and evening still seemed to stray off with some “side variety.”  Took me a long time to figure out.  And it’s seriously not about however perfect and accommodating and wonderful you may be.

    As my now ex fiance explained…even at 59, he was just still constantly thinking about sex.  About the morning session and what he’d like for dinner.  And any and all types of stimulation that my come across his radar throughout the day.  We tried therapy, etc.  Basically, there was this kind of void of sustainability within him.  Something kind of broken.  And he had always had this…And the ensuing fallout issues.

    Maybe your fella will mellow out in his thirties, but that’s a long time out at your ages.

    So funny and ironic.  My last relationship blew up because he wasn’t interested in sex at all…loved cuddling, affection, etc. And  sucked me into a full blown, making long term plans everything I wanted…But intimacy.  Still kind of reeling from that.

    But as Evan says.  We get to decide what is a deal breaker for ourselves.  And I will certainly be having more open discussions earlier from now on.  Best wishes

    1. 5.1
      Al

      Ha. I think most women would be thrilled with Mr. Moderate. “A few times weekly with lots of affection daily” sounds like Prince Charming!

  6. 6
    Karmic Equation

    Hi Ashley,

    You were only 25 when you met your bf, and he only 23.

    He needs to sow his oats…and he was/is trying to sow them with you and you alone. That’s great. However, if you and he don’t have compatible sex drives, then that’s really not that great…for you or for him. You resent the extra demands. He resents the prohibitions.

    The dirty little secret about “the one” is that there are more than just one of “the one”s out there.

    There are many “the one’s” for you if you’re an attractive person. And even more if you’re a quality woman(kind, secure, mature, easy-going; criteria is a little different for quality men 🙂 ).

    Anyway, as Christine and other posters have mentioned, the sex drive is the easy problem to diagnose, but there is bigger underlying problem: that you don’t feel heard or understood, thus you don’t feel safe in the relationship.

    As a whole package, I would say your relationship is a 5 at best. Your stated love and commitment for each other brings it up to a 5, but the compatibility is very low. You have to sacrifice your needs time and again to meet HIS needs. You continue on, and you’re going to become a doormat or a harpy.

    The unspoken fear is that when you go off on your long-term deployment, with his kind of sex drive, do you really think he’s going to stay faithful? I believe the realistic part of you says “nope”.

    And let’s say even if he does and can remain faithful for your long absences, do you love him enough to not make him suffer that way. Sure our woman’s ego says “YES! If he loves me he will make that sacrifice for me!” But what does your woman’s heart say? Do you love him enough to let him go? Sometimes love doesn’t mean keeping what we love. Sometimes love means we set them free.

    And don’t forget the dirty little secret I mentioned.

    There’s going to be another one. More compatible with your needs. Someone who will hear and understand you, without repeat. Find that One. Let this One go.

    It will hurt like hell in the short-term. But long-term, you’ll both be better for it.

    And one other dirty secret? If he is one of The Ones out there, when you finish your Navy deployment, you and he may have another chance, older and wiser, and perhaps more compatible overall as well.

    Good luck, Ashley.

    “If you love something, set it free. If it’s yours, it’ll come back. If not, it was never meant to be.”

  7. 7
    Adrian

    Can you imagine what this would be like if they both wanted to wait until marriage?

     

    I was thinking the same thing as Karmic Equation. This kid is young and new to sex; this is probably his first time having something real outside of his hand and porn.

     

    This is also a great example of what a HUGE difference in maturity only 2 years can make.

    …   …   …

    By the way, I’m not criticizing him for wanting sex all the time; my critic is in regards to his selfish behavior toward her moods and feelings. He agreed to respect her feelings, but because of her kindness, he tries to push her into doing it anyway.

  8. 8
    Karl S

    I would say I’m one of those high sex-drive guys. I know how hard it can be to try and not get pushy with sex when you’re so in the mood but you realize (or your partner has told you) they’re not feeling it. This was particularly hard with previous partners who had only moderate drives or barely anything at all.

    I think I’ve lucked out now with a girlfriend who is pretty close to me in sexual desire. That said, while we spent most of the first 6 months just rolling around in bed, now we spend a lot more time out “doing stuff” and only have a bit of exhausted fun at the end of the night before we sleep. We’re always planning new experiences around town, to the point where we recently had the opposite conversation to the OP and agreed we should schedule some more nights in, haha!

    Anyway, I think to make it work for the OP, the guy is going to try some new strategies. He can “cool down” a lot easier than she can “warm up”, if you know what I’m saying. I mean, how much does he masturbate on his own time? If he takes care of himself just before seeing her, they can focus more on activities and having fun. That would also be a way to manage date nights that don’t end up as sleepovers. When they do have sex, she’ll be more excited and he’ll find more novelty in it all because he’s held off for a few days.

    Maybe they should hold off on moving in together for a bit until they’ve found equilibrium with their situation as it stands. Not sure about the long term when she goes away though. That’ll be a doozy.

     

    1. 8.1
      Adrian

      Hi Karl S,

      I agree with you, usually most couples can’t keep their hands off each other for the first 6 months of so (the lust stage), and then they settle into a comfortable pattern.

       

      But these two have been dating for 3 long years! Well past the lust stage. I once read an article in Psychology Today that said that if the lust stage last longer than a year, it is a sign of emotional problems in the relationship, because couples should naturally graduate to higher levels of love with time.

       

      So either, these two are really just incompatible sexually, or their are some major issues that we don’t see.

  9. 9
    Mrs Happy

    Dear OP,

    assuming you are an average woman:

    after cohabitation, marriage, then children, with each of these steps, your sex drive will plummet. (Seriously, for much of each pregnancy, and for at least the first year after each baby is born, almost every mother I know who has discussed this with me, would have been perfectly happy with no sex at all.)

    His will not decrease much or at all.

    Thus, this is going to be an even bigger issue – a larger desire mismatch –  in the future.

    How a man navigates a couple’s differing sex drives (and most long term couples have different drives…. just maybe not as widely different as yours are this early on) tells you a lot about his ability to consider and care for you, and problem solve in general.

    Also, regarding the pressure you feel sexually:

    you can say no.  It is not your job to sexually satisfy your partner every time he asks. It sounds like you are saying you don’t want to, but in your actions, often doing the opposite.  Part of saying no, or saying you don’t want to do sexual things every night, is to actually follow through and not do them. Otherwise you are giving him mixed messages.

    Overall I think this large a mismatched desire this young (20’s) and pre cohabitation and kids, is disasterous.  You would be better off with a man who is less insistent on his sexual needs being met. It will be hard to find a man with a sex desire close to yours (most will be higher), but you should be able to find one whose every catch-up with you doesn’t revolve around him ejaculating.

    Additionally – sometimes when the sex is really good for her, a woman wants it more often. Humdrum sex is hard to work up an appetite for. Men who are generally selfish are also selfish in bed.

     

    1. 9.1
      Emily, the original

      Mrs Happy,

      Additionally – sometimes when the sex is really good for her, a woman wants it more often. Humdrum sex is hard to work up an appetite for. 

      I was thinking the same thing. She may very well have a lower sex drive than her boyfriend, but if the sex they are having is “meh” at best, there’s not much incentive to want to do it often.

      I think for women, anyway, quality of experience is very important.

      1. 9.1.1
        SQ

        Men want quantity, women want quality? Do folks feel that’s generally true?

        we are all adults and should be aware that sexual pleasure for most women requires far more work and effort than it does for men. This is biological. Sorry ladies, I guess this is one area where we really do get the shaft (so to speak)

        1. Emily, the original

          SQ,

          We are all adults and should be aware that sexual pleasure for most women requires far more work and effort than it does for men.

          But if there isn’t strong physical attraction and sexual compatibility, no amount of shaftmanship (to borrow your word) can compensate.

        2. SMC

          This is partly true, that it requires more “work,” but I’ve always told the men in my life that with many women (me included), it’s more mental whereas with men, it’s more physical.  A guy can get it up pretty effortlessly for the most part regardless of his mood, but with women, their head has to be in the right place.  When my mind is in the right place, there is no stopping me, much to his benefit, but if it’s not, there’s no getting me going.  Period.

        3. Emily, the original

          SMC,

          With many women (me included), it’s more mental … When my mind is in the right place, there is no stopping me. 

          I agree with the mental aspect of it, but (for me, anyway) I have to be into the guy physically and like his sexual style to even get out of the gate.

      2. 9.1.2
        Caroline

        @Mrs. Happy & Emily-I was thinking the same thing. Nothing worse than “wham, bam, thank you ma’am “. I’ve had the best sex of my life after I divorced. A particularly attentive lover helped me explore what it was I needed. Btw, I believe you’re responsible for your own orgasm but it sure is wonderful to have someone who’s willing to give you just as much as you give to him:)

        1. Emily, the original

          Caroline,

          Btw, I believe you’re responsible for your own orgasm.

          Agreed, but I wasn’t referring to “meh” sex as not getting off. Sometimes you dig what someone is doing and sometimes you don’t. For example, I don’t like a lot of prologue and hesitation. This one guy I was with said women had accused him of being too aggressive, whereas I loved it. It’s all personal preference.

        2. Caroline

          @Emily-I didn’t take it that way:) I was just trying to explain that sex wasn’t  great in my married life but I was ultimately responsible.  Glad I later got with someone who helped me find out what I needed. Good sex really is a “skill” and it’s much better when both partners are receptive and giving. The OP is pretty young and may not have found her “groove”/what she needs and I kinda wonder if her guy may be a little too focused on his own needs?

           

        3. Emily, the original

          Caroline,

          When you say great sex is a skill, do you mean the actual mechanics of it or that two people need to be able to express to each other what they want and not be overly focused on themselves?

          If it’s the former, I’m going to have to disagree with you. The mechanics of it is a small part. I had a boyfriend once who was not selfish and open to trying new things, but the sex we had, while perfectly acceptable, rarely rose to the level of hot. And I don’t think it ever would have. It wasn’t his fault or my fault. That was just our dynamic in that area.

        4. SQ

          I agree but it’s a skill anyone is capable of mastering.

        5. Caroline

          Hi Emily. In my own personal opinion great sex is when everything comes together. The mind, the body, insinuation and communication. For me personally, I gotta get my head in the right place. I’ve had good sex (not great) when my partner is mechanically skillful but my mind was into it. I’ve also unfortunately, been very aroused and ready when my partner was shall we say “mechanically” not skillful. Which could be anything from not enough variety of positions to suffocating me with too heavy of kisses while bearing all his weight on top of me to trying to stimulate me like he was scrubbing something burnt in a frying pan! I’m positive men have just as many unskillful women lovers. Ask any guy if he’s had an encounter with a woman who was “unskilled” at oral?!

          and of course communication. Is a skill. That’s in my opinion, one of the most important skills in any type of relationship whether physical, or not:)

        6. Caroline

          Oh my typos! I was “insinuating” anything-agh!!

          and I meant having a mechanically “skillful ” lover but where my mind was NOT in the right place!

        7. Emily, the original

          Caroline,

          ” … trying to stimulate me like he was scrubbing something burnt in a frying pan!”

          LOL. I had one like that. I wanted to say: Hello! My chesticles are attached to my body! They have nerve endings!

          You said you needed to have your head in the right place to have great sex. I think that’s a variation of what I was saying. I have to be really physically into the person to have my head in the right place. Mechanical skill is part of it, but if I’m not that physically turned on by the person, no amount of “skill” will make the sex better. One guy kept asking me what I wanted him to do. I wanted to say: be somebody else. Sounds awful, but he and I just weren’t clicking. A low-level attraction. It probably wasn’t all that great for him, either.

        8. SMC

          OMG, Caroline and Emily the original…you’re killing me!  I think most of us have probably been “scrubbed like a burnt frying pan,” and your response/thought, Emily…been there done that too.  Sorry, nothing useful to post, just wanted you both to know you made me laugh out loud.  I really shouldn’t be reading this blog at the office… 🙂

  10. 10
    Lisa

    I second what Evan says.  Incompatible sex drives are rarely remedied and lead to frustration and hurt.  It’s so much more than physical and sex.   People discount how important sex is to relationships.  The person being rejected feels hurt and unattractive they grow angry and resentful.  Eventually they stop initiating for fear of rejection.  I cannot tell in reading this does he take you out?  I mean it’s not just sex?  It seems you go out and do other things.  I have a very Hugh sex drive for a woman and it has caused problems.  I’ve ended relationships due to issues you describe.  Sex once a week is not sufficient for me.  I too could have sex daily.  I am 38 and this has not changed.   It does not always have to be romantic sex.  It brings an element of closeness with my partner.  Mens drives do lessen I’m their 40s.  Not all men want sex as much as he does.   Look for someone more your pace.

    1. 10.1
      SQ

      Unfortunately though it’s rare in a marriage or LTR to not have some level of sexual incompatibility at some point, as you age, after children, health problems, etc. So at some point, somebody will be having more or less sex than they want. One of the downsides to LT monogamy, and will there’s no simple solution.

    2. 10.2
      SMC

      Lisa said: People discount how important sex is to relationships.  The person being rejected feels hurt and unattractive they grow angry and resentful.

      Oh so true.  I was in a marriage for 5 years, separated for one of them, and during the 4 years we were together we had sex a whopping 4 times.  That’s f.o.u.r. times, and those were in the first six months.  And that was the end of that.  He moved into the guest room and we lived like friendly roommates for the next 3 1/2 years.  At 57, my sex drive is still fine as it was then, not too high, not too low, but the sense of failure was catastrophic.  He kept saying it was because he had gained too much weight, his blood pressure was the issue, blah blah blah.  To this day I still think it was more a control issue, especially when I walked into his office one evening to tell him something and saw the porn on his computer.  Sex is critical to a relationship – not because of the act itself so much but because of the intimacy it fosters.  These days I have sex 2-3 times a week, depending on how much my man and I see each other.  That’s fine with me, and it’s fine with him.  Karl S., we find we have to do the same thing – schedule “quiet nights in” because we’re always on the go.  It’s a good “problem” to have.  🙂

      1. 10.2.1
        SMC

        As for the OP, I would suggest that she NOT move in with him.  The problem will not go away, it will be magnified instead.

  11. 11
    jeremy

    I agree with Evan’s advice and most of the replies here.  I’d just like to add one bit of advice to the OP.  It is interesting that, on the one hand, you write that perhaps you’d be more interested in sex if your BF romanced you more.  But on the other hand, you write that you wish for a day that you could spend time together without him wanting sex at the end of the day.  This was a bit of a red flag for me, in terms of your understanding of your own desires.  After all, if you truly believed that spending emotional time together would make you more interested, why would your fantasy to be to do so without sex at the end of the day?

     

    My experience (and everything I’ve read on this subject) indicate that there is often a disconnect between what a low-desire partner says/consciously believes versus how they actually feel.  They will often say “if you did more housework and helped me out more, I would be more interested”….only to find that they are not more interested, and accuse their partner of only doing housework to “get” sex.  Similarly, they may request that their partner spend non-sexual time with them, then accuse them of doing so only to get sex.

     

    This issue, most of the time, is not about desire for romance or non-sexual connection.  It is about the balance of POWER in the relationship.  Usually, the low-desire partner feels powerless (or at least significantly less powerful than she imagines her partner to be), and feels that every time she acquiesces to sex, that power imbalance gets worse.  She tries to balance the scales by creating hoops for him to jump through in order to feel more powerful – and to make him less powerful.  But because she associates sex with power imbalance, the desire never returns unless she can change her mind-set – no matter how much he tries to fulfill her stated desires.

     

    So while I agree with Evan’s advice, I would encourage the OP to really think about what she wants and why she wants it.  Is it just that she wants more non-sexual time, and such time would really make her more interested in sex?  Or is it that she feels that satisfying her partner makes her feel powerless, and what she wants is to feel more powerful/less powerless?  I ask because knowing the answer to this question will help the OP in her future relationships when, inevitably, a sex-drive mismatch comes up.

    1. 11.1
      KK

      Jeremy said, “It is interesting that, on the one hand, you write that perhaps you’d be more interested in sex if your BF romanced you more.  But on the other hand, you write that you wish for a day that you could spend time together without him wanting sex at the end of the day”.

      I don’t see that as a red flag at all. Is it possible she wants both? If he wants sex every time they’re together, it makes sense to me that she would like to be able to spend time with him without always having sex and that she would also like to be romanced when they do have sex. The problem, as I see it, is that she should have made her desires known early on in their relationship. It’s like she’s been having sex as an obligation in order to maintain her relationship instead of having sex when she actually wants to,

      1. 11.1.1
        jeremy

        KK, I believe she is entitled to want whatever she wants – to be romanced with or without sex.  But if she wants to talk about her desires with her partner, it behooves her to be honest (with him and with herself) about what she really wants.

         

        A low-desire wife may actually want her husband to do more housework…..but she should not tell him that doing so will increase her desire to have sex with him (it usually won’t).  In the same way, the OP may want to spend more romantic time with her partner, but this will not increase her desire to have sex (see her fantasy).  Rather, she wants acceptance from him as a lower-desire partner.  This will make her happier in the relationship she wants – which has more romance and less sex.

         

        My point was that it behooves her to be honest with him that *nothing* he can do will make her have a high sex drive, and that she wants to reduce their sexual frequency, not maintain/increase it.  And she wants him to be ok with that.  THAT is her message to him, NOT that spending more quality time will make her hornier.  And given that, they should make their decision to continue the relationship (or not).

        1. KK

          Hi Jeremy,

          Thank you for elaborating. I see your point.

      2. 11.1.2
        Al

        You do have some points. However, this is obviously skewed toward the higher drive partner. Just because the lower drive partner wants more emotional connection rather than the relationship continually being centered around pleasuring the higher drive partner, that does not necessarily make them manipulative, which is what your description heavily implies. The higher drive partner is equally responsible for caring for the needs of the other party in the relationship. If there tends to be lots of accommodation for the sex but little for the other person’s needs, that’s just selfish. Eventually the lower drive partner will burn out if the compromise only goes one way.

        1. jeremy

          AI, her desires are every bit as important as his, I agree.  Expressing her desires to him does not make her manipulative.  But couching the expression of her desires in a false promise of increasing her sex drive IS manipulative.  It creates a false sense of hope that giving her what she wants will give him what he wants – a woman whose sex drive matches his own.  That won’t happen, and he needs to decide if he is ok with that. Honesty is not manipulative, but it requires self-awareness.

        2. Al

          Jeremy: In reading what the OP actually SAYS, I don’t see any dishonesty there.

          “It feels like the focus of our relationship is sex and not so much the things that are important to me, which is another reason I may not be as aroused.”

          There is absolute truth to the fact that, when a person feels unappreciated and unimportant, they are less likely to want intimacy with a neglectful partner, male or female.
           

          “Since then he has romanced me a little more, which has resulted in a little more passion from me.”

           
          It seems as though there IS a positive result from the guy paying more attention to his girlfriend’s needs.She just feels that his effort is rather lackluster and insincere. If he wants her to care about his Wank then he needs to care equally about her heart. That’s pretty much universal to male/female interactions. Dude needs to learn that lesson PDQ or he’s going to lose every quality woman that he dates.
           
          “I’ve been close to tears in frustration feeling like my main purpose is to keep him sexually satisfied, and that it’s the only reason why he makes the effort to spend time with me.”

          Anytime one person in a relationship person is made to feel like an object to be used solely for the pleasure of the other that’s an indication of selfishness and a lack of concern for others, which goes FAR deeper than just sex drive.

          I do agree that if she were to imply that washing the dishes or doing housework would result in her having a higher sex drive that would certainly misguided at the very least. However, what she is saying is very different from that. She is saying that she feels that she is not valued in the relationship. Frankly, that would turn anyone off.

        3. Karmic Equation

          “She is saying that she feels that she is not valued in the relationship. Frankly, that would turn anyone off.”

          If that is how she feels, why doesn’t she end the relationship?

          I’m a great believer that women need to listen to their feelings.

          If she’s communicated what she wants and the guy doesn’t change … and REMAIN changed, but instead resorts to his original behavior after a short time, then  a woman’s “woe is me, he’s not listening/caring/loving me” feeling should tell her to DUMP him, not complain and cry. That’s not going to change anything except to make herself a victim when she doesn’t have to.

        4. jeremy

          I agree with your comment, AI.  Feeling devalued would turn anyone off.  But the assumption being made here is that this guy know that she isn’t into the sex.  Yes, she claims she has discussed it with him, but I wonder if he understands it.  For many men, sex is their love language.  It is how they express emotional closeness with their partner.  And they hope that feeling is returned.  If the partner’s love language is quality time (as it appears the OP’s is), she considers his behavior to be selfish objectification and a desire for a “wank”.  It might be so, or might not be.  This couple is not communicating, I think, and it is not a one-way street.  He definitely does not understand her desires.  I wonder if she understands his.

        5. Al

          Jeremy: The OP says,

          So now instead of cutting to the chase, he’ll ask me if I mind if he touches himself, and I respond of course not. Then he’ll ask if he can touch me, and again I have no problem with that. This always leads to him asking if I could touch him, and it’s as if he either forgot or didn’t care that I just said I was tired.”

          That’s not confusion on his part. It’s simply ignoring her boundaries for his own personal satisfaction.

          KK: I absolutely agree with you. She needs to walk away if he doesn’t learn to respect her wishes. It does take some experience to recognize these types of things. Plus, it can be especially difficult to walk away from someone you care about, even if you know it’s not healthy.

  12. 12
    Clare

    Wow, I really feel for the OP here because I was in this position with my ex-husband, and… we ended up getting divorced. Not just because of this issue, but it was a major part of it. I’ve been so much happier since then dating guys whose sex drive was more compatible with my own (of course you don’t want to go to the other extreme of dating a guy with a low sex drive.) But I realised that there are certainly guys to be found who are comfortable with a happy medium – sex between 1 and 3 times a week, which is about ideal for me.

     

    My current boyfriend makes me feel like it is my soul more than anything else that he cares about, and never makes me feel like sex is the most important thing, and that is a wonderful feeling, let me tell you.

  13. 13
    Sparkxx

    This, the high sex drive thingy? Is it possible that we can stop rationalizing it as a quality ala “hey am tall, blue eyed and honest and I have a high sex drive” and actually call it what it is? A spade anyone?

    Hey, Tiger woods has one helluva sexdrive. And so does Hugh Hefner. And so does Charlie Sheen and John Mayer….and Barney Stinson… see the pattern?
    How come those who have eating disorders do not simply say they have a huge appetite?

    Sex addiction people! Usually with heavy porn use to boot. This is a common denominator for all men who claim to have a very high sex drive and therefore refuse to meet their significant other half way. I gotta ask, What about when the woman gets pregnant and is uncomfortable or after child birth episiotomy stitches and all? This whole thing of I must have sex now or the sun won’t rise tomorrow is just irrational, immature and should be a deal breaker because such a person can never be expected to remain faithful.
    He will cheat on her the very day she ships off to the navy.
    Even if he could masturbate to cool off, how long can he sustain that? You know the cycle, masturbation, more horn, more extreme porn, more horn, soon enough he is in a motel with a hooker #truestory…

    What is the way forward for the OP?
    1The man seeks therapy for his sex addiction. Real men can control their horn.
    If not, I cannot see any chances of fidelity. And believe me, it only gets worse. it doesn’t taper off. If you are a philanderer in your 20’s, you will be one well into your 50’s.

    2. Like Karmic says, just look out “the one” with whom she has matching sexual compatibility .

    The sex may even be awesome, but waking up every day with a John Wayne limp wondering if that was even enough for him or whether you ought to try firebombing in the bedroom just to please your man, is no way to spend the rest of your life Ashley.

    1. 13.1
      Karmic Equation

      Agree overall, Sparkxx.

      The only part I disagree with is that liking porn a lot or liking sex a lot does not AUTOMATICALLY make a guy a sex addict.

      Sex addiction can ruin a life. In women, for example, she’ll have sex with a stranger in a bathroom. He could be a wino, a drug addict, he could have HIV. She doesn’t care, she just has to scratch that itch. It’s uncontrollable. (I saw this in a movie). They didn’t have a similar movie about a sex addicted man. But I suppose Tiger Woods’ life would be the closest. A supermodel wife at home, and he still has sex with skanky women.

      As for porn addiction, unless porn watching is preferred over a real-life partner, then the person isn’t addicted to porn. Normal men can watch a lot of porn. But if he has a choice of having sex with a live woman in his bedroom or porn watching in his home office, he’s going to choose the live woman. And if he choose the porn watching, THEN we could safely say the guy has a porn addiction.

      So that being the case, and maybe I’m wrong, it would seem that men would EITHER be a porn addict OR he could be a sex addict, because those two phenomena seem mutually exclusive, no?

      All I’m saying is that the terms like “emotionally unavailable,” “narcissist,” sex or porn addiction are overused by women to describe behaviors that often don’t rise to the clinical definition of those terms. And by unnecessarily overusing those terms to identify lesser behaviors, we diminish their gravity, like crying wolf, when it’s true; and overstate normal behavior into unacceptable behavior, when it’s not true.

      1. 13.1.1
        SQ

        No heavy porn use does not necessarily mean addiction. But just for clarification: a man can most certainly be both a porn addict and a sex addict at the same time. That’s like saying you can’t be an alcoholic and a smoker, or a drug addict and a gambling addict at the same time. Addiction is when a person’s brain and body become dependent on the pleasurable response they get from the activity, and scientists more an more believe that some people are actually predisposed to addictive behavior, which is why many people sustain multiple addictions simultaneously.

         

         

         

         

        1. Karmic Equation

           

          Well, smoking and drinking are COMPLEMENTARY addictions, if you will. Being addicted to one,doesn’t prevent you from being addicted to the other. A person can have a cigarette in one hand and a drink in the other.

          However, a guy who is addicted to porn needs to be near his computer and a guy who is addicted to sex needs to be near a woman. So unless the woman is ALSO addicted to porn, it’s unlikely that the guy can be both a porn addict and a sex addict.

          Sort of like a health addict would probably not be a chain-smoker. Those two habits contradict each other.

          And I would say that a guy who likes BOTH porn and sex equally is actually not addicted to either, but just a guy with a high sex drive.

          And a guy who likes sex a lot is not an addict. Again, high sex drive.

          It’s when their liking turns into obsessions, e.g., a guy would rather watch porn than go out on a date, or go to work, or have sex with their willing girlfriends, THEN he has a porn addiction.

          It’s easier to define sexual addiction for women than men, simply because most women are very selective about the men she has sex with, so a woman who is NOT selective and will have sex with strangers daily, or multiple times a day with multiple strangers is clearly behaving “abnormally”; whereas most men would define that same guy as the luckiest s.o.b. they know. He’s living most men’s fantasy.

          A guy wanting sex all the time is just being a guy. I guess if a guy cannot remain faithful even when he truly loves a woman, that guy is addicted to sex. Or if that guy MUST have sex daily or insists on having sex multiple times daily even when his girlfriend has a obvious reasons for not wanting sex (just broke her leg; her dog died; just lost her job, etc.) — that guy is addicted to sex.

          Yes, there are certainly sex addicts and porn addicts. But the fact that those men watch porn or have more sex than what we women would like doesn’t necessarily make them addicts. “Addiction” is harmful to the PERSON himself/herself. So a man who continues to watch porn once we tell him we don’t want him to; or a man who wants sex twice a day when we only want sex once a week, doesn’t make him an “addict”. He’s just behaving in a way counter to our preferences.

          We women need to understand that difference and label guys “addicts” for normal male behavior.

          And a guy who cheats is a cheater. He may be a sex-addict cheater. Or just a plain old cheater. That DOES make him wrong if you’re in an exclusive relationship with him. But he’s not a cheater if he’s never agreed to be exclusive with you.

          Context is everything.

        2. Karmic Equation

          This sentence should read:

          “We women need to understand that difference and *NOT* label guys “addicts” for normal male behavior.”

      2. 13.1.2
        Al

        Excessive porn use can be toxic to a relationship even when the person doesn’t meet the clinical definition of “Porn Addiction.” There are negative effects to watching a great deal of porn or to watching very violent or demeaning porn.

         

        The more you masturbate or engage your attention toward sex, the more your brain craves sex and, like most things that hit the pleasure center of the brain, it takes more to get the same effect after a while. After years of chronic porn use many men complain of an inability to appreciate sex with a 3D woman. Some even become effectively impotent. Sex on screen is also totally different and it sets up unrealistic expectations, even if only subconsciously. It often causes men to push women to imitate on screen acts that they might not otherwise want to do.

         

        I’m far from a prude, but porn is not necessarily harmless. If people use it within a relationship fine, but they need to be mindful if their behavior begins to shift.

        1. Karmic Equation

          “If people use it within a relationship fine, but they need to be mindful if their behavior begins to shift.”

          Of course.

          Anything done to excess, for example, even something that can be good, like being a excessive “health addict” — eating only organically, going to the gym 5x a week, etc., can have detrimental effects to a person. One can go broke eating organically. And when can one have a social life if one spends most of it at the gym?

          There is nothing wrong with “a lot” of porn, or “a lot” of sex, but when watching porn or having sex becomes compulsive and starts to harm the individual that is doing it, then that individual needs to get help. However, it is not our job to MAKE our partner stop watching porn because we don’t like porn or we’re AFRAID they MIGHT become addicted.

          Our job is to monitor for the behavioral shift. If it never happens, then nothing needs to be said/done. However, if the shift occurs, our job is to let them know when their behavior is harming the relationship, e.g., he’s spending less time with you because he’s spending more time with his addiction. If he’s unwilling (or unable) to stop on his own and refuses to seek help, our job is to dump him, not MAKE him get help nor trash his porn collection. People with addictions need to seek help for THEMSELVES. Because if that need to change does not come from within themselves, the change will not last.

  14. 14
    Joe

    BF needs to get a hobby.  Preferably a very physically exhausting one! 😀

    1. 14.1
      Stacy2

      I was going to say – he needs a more demanding job than whatever he is doing now. Let him work 12 hour shifts making money for them, and see how much of the sex drive he has left afterwards!

  15. 15
    Sparkxx

    I totally understand your take Karmic.
    However I think all behaviour becomes pathological if it takes control over an individual; from otherwise benign activities like eating, drinking, porn use, sex, gambling, etc.

    I dont want to automatically assume that this is the case for Ashley’s boyfriend and it is possible that iam over generalizing, but usually when you peel off the outer layer of say, high sex drive, you find these issues.

    Now occasional porn use for example is not bad at all; so is social drinking or ordering take out junk once in a while when you don’t feel like cooking.
    However, in most cases where a man says he can’t control his sexual desire, usually it is because they are being bombarded with constant stimulus (read porn) on the phone, or Computer. If this is the case, that “itch” can never really go away.
    So it is sex, sex, sex. All that dopamine and one cannot enjoy other pleasurable activities with the people in their lives.
    Again I may be wrong but it sounds like a plausible explanation, one you can’t easily discount in a case like Ashley’s.
    And if the OP could write back to Evan after checking her boyfriend’s computer, I wouldn’t be surprised.

    Bottom line, our bodies have inbuilt controls.
    You don’t just become an alcoholic after one drink, peel that off and you find an underlying depression.
    You don’t just become a sex crazed, objectifying , demanding boyfriend. Peel that off and you find other contributory issues.

    Love is not sex. But when one is a sex junkie, they don’t know any better. And they have no business entering any longterm relationships.

    1. 15.1
      Al

      Very well said. Thank you. You are better at explaining this without sounding caustic than I am.

  16. 16
    D_M

    Ladies,

    Please get off the porn train. Like Evan, and many other posters have said, men are quite capable of not letting their pastime fantasies affect realty. The two people are just simply mismatched. Think about it. Yes, he should have been more sensitive to her moods, which is his roll in this dilemma. She has to own the fact that she waited over two years to have a conversation about it. She should have had this conversation within months of feeling uneasy about having to perform when she didn’t want to. Are there people who are never satisfied, sure there are. Is her boyfriend one of those people, I don’t know.

    Our younger selves tend to be in the best position to attract our physical ideals. Ashely could quite possibly be this guy’s vision of what beauty should be, which would lend credence to his inability to keep his hands off her. I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that he hasn’t realized how important the head is to activities between the sheets. I also don’t think that moving in together is a good idea. He now has even more opportunities to see her au naturel, which doesn’t usually diminish attraction. Beauty is a blessing and a curse. I sympathize with the female predicament, but being the beautiful creatures that you are, helps too draw us close.

    1. 16.1
      Sparkxx

      D_M
      It is not my plan to reignite the porn debate here. Evan has already done a blog post about about that and the comment thread is well into it’s twilight.

      Let me reiterate that I do understand that a person can be strongly attracted to another to a point where they can’t keep their hands (or their nether regions) off them. I get it.  Some people like sex a lot, others not so much.

      But let’s get back to Ashley’s situation for a moment.
      If this were as simple as mismatched libido levels, two years down the road something ought to have given. But she just wrote to Evan and that should tell you that things are getting out of hand. She is considering whether to move in with him or not…she is feeling like some sexual outlet as opposed to his girlfriend.

      There is a point where it stops being a high sex drive thing. If your s/o is not feeling well, not in the mood or just tired and the man just presses on regardless, it signals something more disturbing. A certain balance has to be created here; between sex and other activities of daily living.

      And the OP is worried that he won’t wait it out when she leaves for that tour in the Navy (salute Ashley!) and she should be.  He will definitely cheat on her. I can almost say this with certainty because sex to such a person is more than a deep connection. It is recreational.

      I also pointed out that we should not take these demands at face value. Just like you wouldn’t a work colleague showing up dead drunk to work drunk at 9 in the morning everyday. There is always a reason for the acting out that needs to be addressed. You can only dismiss it at your own peril.

      This is certainly a RED FLAG and the OP should reconsider her long term options. Either that or she is going to be his sexual outlet and not much else.

       

  17. 17
    kim

    This sounds like my marriage the first few years. We were in our 30’s and my husband would have been happy with sex twice a day, every day. I was happy with twice a week. I felt pressure. He felt rejection. In his mind sex was all tied up with love and acceptance and in mine it was more like eating ice cream. Twice a week was good enough!

    But we managed to get through it. We talked a lot. We worked out solutions. He backed off with the pressure. I said yes more often. Thinking about how wonderful he was with me when I was in labor and all the other positive qualities about him actually turned me on. And once we actually started having sex, I would get more into the mood.

    Now that we are in our late 50’s, our drives have indeed evened out. So sex drive for some men does decrease over time. I still hear from time to time how much sex we DIDN’T have early in our marriage due to my lower drive. But more often he comments on quality being more important than quality.

    1. 17.1
      Al

      Your husband obviously put effort into caring for you and showing you that he truly cared outside of just the sexual arena, which is why compromise was possible. “He backed of with the pressure,” which allowed you to feel safe and comfortable amping up in return. It’s pretty obvious that the OP isn’t getting that from her BF, which makes that kind of working together impossible. One person alone can’t fix something like this.

  18. 18
    Al

    I’ve lived your life girl. In fact, I was married to that guy for almost 20 years. It got worse rather than better. Obviously, my situation is not the same as yours and my ex is not the same as your BF. Mine had lots of addictive behaviors and mental health issues other than just a high sex drive, but it definitely became a HUGE problem. The worst thing turned out to be that he eventually stopped trying completely, rarely even bothering to talk to me except when he was horny, and boy was he furious if he didn’t get his way. He might not have even spoken to me all day, but he sure did expect me to drop whatever I was doing to “service” him whenever the mood struck.

     

    The problem you’re having really isn’t just about the sex. It’s his sense of entitlement and lack of respect for you. If your BF doesn’t fulfill your emotional needs now, but still expects you to continue to fulfill his sexual needs, how do you think things are going to go once you’re living together or married? I can tell you my suspicions just based upon how he’s already behaving.

     

    Unless something majorly gets through to him, like maybe the possibly of losing you, he will cease any and all effort to hold up his end of the relationship. He will likely feel that the romantic things you once did together were just “courting” behavior and no longer necessary once you’re seriously committed. However, he will expect the sex to remain at “Honeymoon” level for the rest of your lives together. At least, that was my experience. All of the effort flowed in only one direction.

     

    Regardless of how great this guy may be, please realize that whatever issues you have in the beginning of a relationship only likely to get bigger, not smaller, over time. If you see a major incompatibility don’t just ignore it or assume that it’ll work its way out eventually. It won’t. You either work it out and reach an equilibrium now or live with the suffering later.

  19. 19
    Sparkxx

    It seems to me that according to most people, it is agreeable that ” too much of anything (even too much of an otherwise good thing) is bad, except sex!

    All the men here claiming that it is okay to make demands anytime obviously:
    1. Don’t really understand the workings of a woman’s body and what the trigger points are (or aren’t for that matter).

    2. if tables were turned and its the woman asking for 5 rounds of sex everyday, wherever and whenever, most men would run for the hills.

    And in any case isn’t sex supposed to be between two people. if it is just one person humping away like a rabid hamster, it is just all climax ( for the man only mind you) and NO orgasm.
    Yes, you can climax without the feeling of orgasm! Just ask a chronic masturbator..

    And this kind of quantity and no quality sex does nothing to promote any healthy bonding between the people involved.

    P.S. Not so sure what the quality of sex is for the OP’s situation, but I can only assume that on the many occasions where there is only one person in the zone and the other one is feeling pressured and stressed out, the quality can only be so so.

    1. 19.1
      Al

      Right on. I can personally attest to the fact that, even if you start out wildly attracted to someone, if they continually bully and guilt you into sex when you are not in the mood or are injured or ill,eventually you will come to the point where you want nothing to do with that person sexually at all.

    2. 19.2
      Karmic Equation

      If the sex is so bad that the OP doesn’t want it, she needs to be self-aware and honest with herself that this is the case. And then the decision of what to do is a no-brainer.

      If she loves him and wants him to become a GOOD lover, so that they can enjoy MORE sex together, then I’m sure if she tells him so in a non-emasculating way, he’s going to get on board with that plan.

      If he tries and fails, then she has to make a choice. (a) Dump him or (b) live with frequent meh sex without resentment. Not live with meh sex less frequently and then resenting meh-ness of the sex.

      Her current choice to have less frequent meh-sex (assuming they’re having meh sex) — doesn’t solve any problem. It just creates new ones.

      1. 19.2.1
        Al

        KE: That’s all easier said than done my friend. Of course, ideally, we would understand right away when we are incompatible with someone. In the real world, that is not always evident in the beginning, nor are we always able able to recognize it before we’re in too deep.

        I my case, I had already been married for two years with two young children before my ex’s porn habit (and other addictions) began to get out of control. “Dumping him” meant dismantling a family unit and becoming a single mother.

        Self awareness is great in theory and we all strive for it but sometimes the circumstances can muddy the waters. it’s not always so cut and dry where that line is and people often struggle to disengage from a person they love.

        1. Karmic Equation

          You and OP were/are in completely different places. They don’t have children. They haven’t even moved in together yet. So SHE *is* in a position to make that choice. For her self-awareness would make a huge difference. Because it should then give her the courage to communicate the right things and do what is in her best interest. The only thing really “wrong” in her situation is that she believes she MUST keep THIS “One” because of “love”. If, instead, she approaches this issue with the understanding that there IS another “One” out there for her, she will find the courage to let go.

          In your case, Al, because you were married, it did require you to try to make other compromises first. I’m not sure how long you had been dating your ex before you married, but in Evan’s post about the 13 questions before marriage…almost all of those questions would have been answered if a coupled dated for two years before getting married. And most of those questions would not even have had to be verbalized, because the couple would have lived them together before deciding to marry (or not).

          I really do believe that the root of OPs problems lies in the fear that this bf is the ONLY “One” for her. If she can let that go and instead have the mindset that the are many other Ones out there for her, one with whom she would be MORE compatible, ending the relationship now, while painful, would not feel as devastating. And thus, mustering the courage to end it now, wouldn’t feel so tragic and scary. Which I believe is why she wants to “fix” this (even though she already tried and it didn’t work) instead of just chalking it up to an irreconcilable incompatibility that is nearly impossible to work out. Someone is bound to resent someone if someone were to have to change to suit the other.

  20. 20
    Sparkxx

    Boom!
    I guess this comment by Karmic Equation pretty much sums everything up.

  21. 21
    AMarie

    Is everyone else missing that she just doesn’t want to tell him no?  She’s trained him that “I’m tired.” means, “I need a slower approach- first, ask to touch yourself…”  Based on that, he seems really trainable…

    Before all this worry about him being demanding or having a much higher sex drive, maybe just try actually saying no and then…not.  It may not even be a big issue to him, it could be like potato chips to him- sometimes you really want them, but sometimes you’ll eat a few just because they’re there and hey! chips!  Stop worrying about making him happy to the point of making yourself unhappy- that should solve both your immediate AND any long term problem.

  22. 22
    Sarah

    An ex was the same. Nice guy that pushed for sex. Even down to the ‘can I me/you etc’ schtick. I left him in the end.

    It’s not the sex misnatch. It’s that he pushes and pushes and pushes until you give in. He whined his way to sex. That’s consent enough for him. Then he gets pouty when you arent into it. Or he gets pouty when you say no. He’s being selfish and pursuing sex instead of you. It takes a good level of jerkiness to rob someone of a good night’s sleep as well.

    Women tend  to make plans to leave relationships and that sounds like what you’re doing. But why wait? It’s much more freeing to send him on his way now. Do you really think you’ll enjoy running with him when he’s going to sulk for sex after the race? You’d enjoy it more if you were happy and not burdened with this guy demanding sex the next few months.

     

     

  23. 23
    Holly

    The 5 languages of love.  They aren’t aware or speaking the same language.

  24. 24
    Cara Chase

    As a woman with a higher than average sex drive, I just had to chime in.

    I’m now 47, and have always been that partner that was happy to be intimate daily, 2-3 times in a row (unless a guy is really good a prolonging it an hour or so, then one time is good)

    My 18 year marriage to the father of my children was mostly torture in the intimacy department. Before we were married, he was very willing to match my pace. (22-24) Then, shortly after marriage he turned to porn.  Addict? I don’t know.  Gradually he lost all interest in “normal fun vigorous non painful sex”. I’m not going to elaborate, but by around 10 years of marriage we were down to 3-4x a year, and if it didn’t hurt or degrade me, he didn’t enjoy it.

    Finally, 18 years, we ended it.

    Finally, 5 years later, I’ve found a man who is more matched to me in most areas. My drive hasn’t decreased, though I’ve learned to do without and be ok – I’ve matured! Men mature too.

    And, someone commented about a woman being responsible for her own orgasm.  In my experience, that’s really only necessary if you are having sex with a selfish man.  Yes, you should know what you like, and be able to help him, but a man who is truly giving in bed is going to try to do what it takes to get you there first, before getting his own. It’s just not as enjoyable if you are focused on your own satisfaction.

  25. 25
    Jordan

    For people with mismatched sex drives, there is a trick to determine if a compatible compromise can be found.

    The person with the higher sex drive states the minimum amount of times per month he/she would like sex.  The person with the lower sex drive states the maximum of amount of times per month he/she would like sex.

    If the numbers overlap, then a compatible compromise can be found.

    A workable compromise would be:

    Higher sex driver partner Minimum times per month:  10

    Lower sex driver partner Maximum times per month: 15

    If the numbers were reversed where the higher sex drive partner wants it a minimum of 15 times a month, while the lower sex drive partner wants it a maximum of 10 times a month, then there is unlikely to a compromise where both parties will be satisfied.

  26. 26
    sandra adjei

    my guy only have sex with me only when am asleep….making me angry always. my friends says sex is the most sweetest thing in this world but I dont feel the same maybe I haven’t met my true love. hmmm …what bothers me most is we don’t play romance….got on top of me whenever am asleep ……put his small thing in my vag….after being satisfied ….leave me and sleep.

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