How Do I Get A Guy to Make A Move After I Rejected Him Once?

How Do I Get A Guy to Make A Move After I Rejected Him Once?

Hey Evan,

Your advice is great and seems to pertain to guys you’re already dating. I’m in a different situation. I’m interested in dating a male friend.

We met in college but were never really close and reconnected a year ago purely as friends. We started hanging out a lot the past year. He used to live two hours away so he would drive from far away to see me. I thought nothing of it. Then he moved to my city and we were close to each other now. One night we went out and he made a move on me. I froze. This was three months ago. We kept hanging out then, pretending nothing had happened, me sending mixed signals, both of us casually dating other people.

But I recently broke off casual dating because I realized I had strong feelings for him but now I wonder if it is too late? I still spend a lot of time with him and I don’t want to emasculate him by not letting him make the first move. We recently got back to a great momentum where it isn’t weird after all the mixed signals and I feel like I am ready to tell him I wasn’t rejecting him when he initially made a move on me but was just scared and surprised.

So should I make a move or will that emasculate him? And if we do date, do the same rules apply? Should I wait to sleep with him? Because I feel like we already have been on 100 dates (platonically), I don’t feel weird about sleeping with him sooner than I would wait for a guy I really like.

Help please.
–Jeannie

If you want to know what a man’s thinking, ASK HIM. Don’t ask your friends, don’t ask your dating coach, ask your boyfriend.

Dear Jeannie,

I was hoping someone would ask this question.

Because it gives me a chance to bring something up that I see all the time as a dating coach, especially in the private member forum for FOCUS Coaching. In that group, hundreds of women share their dating stories and support each other. And most of their questions sound just like what you wrote to me.

“I don’t know what this guy is thinking. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say. What do you guys think I should say?”

This happens so often that I created an acronym to substitute for my full answer, so that I don’t have to write the same thing repeatedly.

OT

It stands for “overthinking”. Almost any time I get a “what is he thinking?” query, I’ll bust out my OT as a reminder of two of these two core dating principles:

1) Men do what they want. So if a guy is your boyfriend, he says he loves you, he calls you nearly every day, and then one time, he texts you, “Not now. I don’t feel like talking,” it doesn’t mean that he suddenly fell out of love with you, met someone else, and is planning on dumping you the next time you speak. It just means, “Not now. I don’t feel like talking.”

2) If you want to know what a man’s thinking, ASK HIM. Don’t ask your friends, don’t ask your dating coach; ask your boyfriend.

The reason that women choose not to ask their boyfriends what they’re thinking, even though their boyfriends are actually the only people who KNOW what they’re thinking?

The act of asking the question isn’t going to change the outcome – all it’s going to do is reveal what he’s thinking.

Well, there are two answers to that as well – the one you tell yourself and the one that’s really true.

The one you tell yourself is this: “I don’t want to upset him/emasculate him/bother him.” There’s some basis in truth for this, especially if you are perpetually acting weak, needy and fearful with a man who is doing his best to please you. The more you criticize and second-guess the intentions of a GOOD boyfriend, the more likely he is to get frustrated that you’re so insecure.

But the real reason you don’t ask him what he thinks is this: you don’t want to hear the real answer. You’re afraid of the truth. That he might be sick of your fears and insecurities. That he might need space. That he might be tired of the incessant conversations about where this is going, because he doesn’t know where this is going.

As always, I’ve hijacked the original question to make a point, and I apologize. But it’s important to know that your question is NOT going to change his mind on anything. His mind is already made up. If he’s happy with you, he’s happy with you. If he’s annoyed with you, he’s annoyed with you. And if he’s attracted to you, Jeannie, he’s attracted to you. The act of asking the question isn’t going to change the outcome – all it’s going to do is reveal what he’s thinking.

The only thing up in the air is whether you really want to know.

So instead of asking a dating coach on a blog who doesn’t know you or your friend what he’s thinking, how about you tell him EXACTLY what you told me? You were afraid when he made his move, now you’re falling for him, and you’d like to give things a shot.

If he’s not interested, he’ll let you know.

If he’s interested, he’ll let you know.

And either way, you’ll be able to move forward appropriately without all of this worrying and overthinking.

(By the way, he’s interested. I’m very happy for you!)

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Comments:

  1. 1
    VW

    Ahhh the ‘OT.’  I have that problem all the time and am really trying to curb it more now that I’m in a relationship with a great guy.   He always tells me how happy he is, how he loves doing things with me, and even decides to go to places with me instead of his buddies, but my mind still manages to question what’s going on at random times.   ‘He didn’t say he loved me today, why not?,’  ‘He wasn’t as happy/chipper this morning leaving for work, did I do something wrong?,’  ‘He says he loves the amount of time we spend together, but does he really or is that what he thinks I want to hear?’ OY!  The OT can be the worst thing to your relationship, or in this case to your almost relationship.   What I’m coming to learn (and forcing myself to learn) is that I cannot change him, how he acts, or how he feels, I can only listen to what he says, see how he acts, and if things go south, they do, but worrying about that now will only hinder all the good we have now.   Be secure in who you are and who you are in your relationship, the insecurities (and sometimes repeated insecurieties) can only damage your relationship.   If you’ve asked it once, that’s the correct answer, if you ask it again, it’s annoying. 

  2. 2
    Maya

    Aw Evan, this one was great and actually found it very funny. Good luck to the writer. :)

  3. 3
    Jackie Holness

    Yes, if he weren’t still interested, he would have stopped hanging out:) Men are simple. Only women are complicated…No offense to men…:)

  4. 4
    Androgynous

    Great Great post Evan.
    Yes Jackie Holmes. Spot on. Most men (not cads or players) are simple in that they :
    1) mean what they say
    2) don’t do what they don’t want to do
    3) only remember things said to them or done to them if they are really really important to them
    4) only requirement of women is that the women like them and are pleasant to be around – no long laundry list of expectations she has to meet
    5) don’t fret over every single thing that their women do or don’t do.
    Women overanalyse men because they think men are just as complicated as they are.
    Yes, the “friend” would not be hanging around if he wasn’t interested at some level. Men don’t waste their time like this if he is in the market dating. If he was insulted about being rejected or took offence in any way, he would’ve been long gone. And since they are already friends, I doubt he would be put off if she was upfront and honest with him about their romantic future. This is not some first date kind of thing while people are still sussing each other out.

  5. 5
    Leo

    I kept thinking about one thing as I was reading Jeannie’s email:

    “A man will not consistently hang out with a woman once or twice a week unless he likes her.”

  6. 6
    MilkyMae

    She froze up(or rejected) the first time and now she doesn’t want to emasculate him?  She should fix her own “changes of the heart” either by asking or making.  How does someone in their right mind expect or hope someone will make a move twice?   Maybe the man doesn’t want to be a pig.

  7. 7
    Theresa

    Ahhhh…that was such a cool tagline, Evan!

  8. 8
    Christina

    Good answer. Since the man already made his move, there is nothing “emasculating” about bringing this up again. The fact that he sticks around is certainly encouraging. If he’d had a change of heart, he’d probably be seeing other women by now. Guys these days seem to be conditioned to not be “creepy” by being too persistent. If he got one no, and still wants to be around you, he probably doesn’t want to risk becoming a pain you want to get rid of.

  9. 9
    Nadia

    Do we get a follow up posting after she talks to him? I don’t know about the rest of you, but I want to hear how it ends up!

  10. 10
    Liz

    Funny I think when it is right, there is no OT at all. They call when they say, do what they say, and see us every week. The OT is when it is not right and we are thinking of 100 reasons why he didn’t do the above.

  11. 11
    JB

    Who are these men that have time to “hang out” platonically with women that aren’t attracted to them, how old are they, and why would they? I know for myself at 51 being a very busy man I don’t even think about doing such a thing. I don’t have the time. Why? Because I have “options” and I let women that I don’t have time for that sort of non sense. The one woman that tried that ”friend zone” drivel on me earlier this year learned this because I was honest and told her “I’m not on Match looking for a hang out buddy, we’re either going to date like adults or this will be goodbye and you can call me IF you change your mind” and she understood. God bless the people that have time in their lives for platonic adult friendships. This guy put in what sounds like a lot of time (pining and fawning over)and it might according to the OP come to fruition but it sounds like a lot of trouble for a”maybe”.

  12. 12
    AllenB

    @JB, you sound very goal oriented.  In the years before I met my fiance, I did the platonic thing with an ex-gf because the friendship was one I valued.  It was about being the now and the moment. That time together enriched my life immensely for quite a while after our relationship ended.  Yes, there was some tension there and as a result I wasn’t as lighthearted as I normally am, but my friend and I agree it was worth the time spent.  I did harbor a glimmer of hope from time to time, but that was not my motivation.  It was all about being with someone I cared about and enjoyed a great deal. Did it mean less dating and putting off meeting my fiance?  Sure, but it was worth it.

  13. 13
    Tom

    The growing emanicapation of women has many benefits besides those dealing with increased sexual freedom and improving economic freedom and power:  Women are now increasingly exposed to the fears resulting from rejection that men – previously the hunters – have always been exposed to.  I posit this will help men and women to better navigate the sometimes difficult terrrains of courtship because we now share some of the same insecurities we ostensibly both have and understand each other better given common experiences.

  14. 14
    Tom10

    This is the old Tom – my identity has been usurped!

    I agree with Jackie Holness, Leo and JB – men rarely put too much time or effort into platonic relationships if they don’t have some hope of more (although it does happen). The fact he’s still there is a good sign. The fact he already made the first move should reduce the risk of him “feeling emasculated” if the OP makes a move.

    In this situation I don’t think the same rules apply Jeannie, so sleep with him as soon as you are comfortable, i.e. now :)
     
     
     
     
     

  15. 15
    helene

    I agree that this girl will have to “make the move” now as he’s hardly going to try again after her previous reaction, but I think she needs to give some thought as to the “move” she makes. Much as men like sex, I think if she made a move on him sexually, out of the blue, as it were, then this might confuse him – he might wonder if she just wanted to hook up for the night with someone she felt was “safe”. A conversation would be better, but I’m also wondering about a letter. Not a text or e-mail, but a good old fashioned letter. Its sweet, it allows her to choose her words carefully and it also allows him time to digest what she’s saying without having to respond immediately. Also, if she ends it with something like: ” I don’t know if you are still interested but if you are, give me a call….” then immediately this puts him back in the driving seat of the relationship. Rather than ” making a move” she’s kinda saying “If you want to make a move again, I’d like that…”

    Just my 2 cents…

  16. 16
    Joe

    @ JB: you don’t have women friends who you hang out with?  When you’re not actively dating, do you limit yourself to hanging out only with men friends?

  17. 17
    Androgynous

    Joe, as JB is in the market looking for a relationship, he is not going to “waste time” on women who are interested in having one with him. Opportunity cost you see – the more time he spends with a woman not interested in him as a romantic partner is time he could have spent with a woman who does. 
    That doesn’t mean that JB does not have female friends or is totally incapable of having female friends. The difference is that he is not likely to spend the kind of time and money on these female friends (who probably don’t expect him to anyway) to the same level as he would spend on a potential romantic partner.  If these women are expecting JB to do this while they “decide” or stay in a holding pattern while they see if the friendship can progress, then JB is being used to some level.
    More likely these women have no interest in pursuing anything with Joe and are only bringing this “friends” business as a polite way of saying “I am not interested, goodbye”. Men generally are more blunt and honest. Joe might’ve picked up on this vibe and wisely moved on.
     

  18. 18
    JB

    Androgynous is 100% correct Joe. The answer is NO I don’t have platonic women that I “hang out” with. I honestly barely have time for work and women I’m actually dating or persuing online for “meet & greets”….lol

    I do have female friends that I occasionally “run across” at a bar or singles event that I’ve known for years and I’ll happily chat with them for a bit then move on to meeting SINGLE women I may be interested in. I used to have a couple of women that I just played tennis with (which was great for me because I love to play) but I had NO sexual interest in either and I assume they finally figured out over time that’s REALLY all I wanted and they lost interest. Oh well.

  19. 19
    hunter

    she can manipulate him to ask her out….

  20. 20
    FormerNiceGuy

    Jeannie,
    I have a strong suspicion you are writing because you are drawn to him now he is distancing himself from your rejection (as much as you want to pretend otherwise, from his POV he sure as hell treats it as such)
    I surmise what you’re really asking is “how do I get him to stick his neck out again and ask you again so you don’t have don’t have to and retain the prerogative to LJBF him yet again if I so choose”. 
    If Evan has a trick up his sleeve that I don’t know about how to pull this off, I take my hat off to him.
    But I think deep down you know what you have to do if you want him in your life. And no, the standard ‘rules’ no longer apply. If your parents’ day, yes the males paid for the dates, but the females were equally obliged by social expectation to let the suitor down gently if you weren’t interested and not lead a suitor on. These days are long gone, of course, and I bet he’s already read heaps on the internet about why you dumped him etc. There is a chance that he’ll pretend this rejection never happened but in all likelihood there’s going to be a whole lot of ‘making up’ you’re going need to do to mend the relationship.
    No he won’t feel emasculated if you are suitably contrite about how you rejected him and how much you regret it now. Hey what do you have to lose: if he accepts then you have a shot at lasting happiness and if not, then its a good lesson learnt about letting suitors down gently.

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