How Do I Stop Over-Analyzing How My Boyfriend Communicates?

Hi Evan – I’m a 35-year-old divorced professional that stumbled across your blog when searching for something, anything that would help me gain perspective on relationships. For all my confidence in the professional world, I’m lost when it comes to personal relationships! I’m unsure of what I want, or what would be good for me. I analyze everything (I’m an engineer) and have a hard time letting go and enjoying myself. That said, I have come a long way lately, and much of it is due to what I have learned through you (I loved “Why He Disappeared” and have read it twice!!)

I’m hoping you might be able to offer some guidance on my current situation. I met a man online who I’ve been dating for about 5 months. He’s divorced, has a good job, one child (I haven’t met yet, which is OK), we’re very compatible, have similar life goals and views on life in general. I have a great time when I’m with him and feel very comfortable and able to be myself. He didn’t rock my world when we first met, but I’ve learned that sometimes you have to give it a little time. But….(there had to be one) I get frustrated by his communication style (or lack thereof.)

We talk fairly regularly and, for the most part, he’s reliable and consistent. However, there have been more than a few instances of lapses that leave me feeling frustrated, confused, and disrespected. And that’s what I don’t know how to evaluate. Are these instances dealbreakers? Are they examples of a guy that really doesn’t care? I just don’t know. We had planned to do a day trip on a Saturday. He texted me on Friday to ask if we’re still on. I replied that, yes, we were, and then I never heard back from him. I called him at 8:30 that night and left a message. I woke up on Saturday and got myself ready and still hadn’t heard from him by 10:30 that morning. I texted him to ask if plans had changed, and he immediately called me back (from bed) and said that he was exhausted and just wanted to sleep in a bit. I calmly told him how it bothered me that he never communicated what the plan was. I told him I needed more communication than that. We still ended up going and had a great time.

Another example? He was 40 minutes late getting to my house the other day and never called to let me know he was going to be late. Sometimes I’ll text him a question and never hear back. I might take a picture of something (the beach I’m sitting on, my friends’ children) that I know he’d enjoy, and I never get an acknowledgement. They’re just little things, but I find them inconsiderate. I know that I can tend to make a big deal about little things, and I don’t want to do that now. I know that he’s really a great guy, that he’s not seeing anyone else, that he cares about me. He’s considerate, attentive and tries constantly to please me when we’re together. You have described over and over what a good guy does for a women he wants to be with. I honestly can’t tell if this guy is coming up short or not. I’ve lost my perspective! I’m 5 months in. Do I fish or cut bait? When do you say “when?”

Beth

Dear Beth,

If I were to talk with your boyfriend, what annoying qualities would he tell me that you had?

If I were to talk with your boyfriend, what annoying qualities would he tell me that you had?

My wife would tell you pretty much what you can already figure out on your own: I’m a know-it-all. I can be sarcastic and short-tempered. I don’t suffer fools gladly. I can’t fix a single thing around the house. I don’t always listen carefully. I can be overly critical.

There’s more, but a man’s gotta have a little mystery.

As for my wife, she has only two flaws:

She has never thrown out anything ever. We have shoes from 1989, dresses from 1995, and saltines from 2003. I kid you not.

She is perpetually 15 minutes late. I don’t understand people like this. Just start 15 minutes earlier! But her family warned me about “Bridget Time” when we first met. Shockingly, it hasn’t changed in the time we’ve known each other.
That doesn’t mean that I don’t bring up her 2 bad habits all the time (MY flaw – critical,) but rather that asking her to change is like her asking me to stop being a know-it-all.

Not gonna happen.

We both have flaws. We both have to grin and bear it. And we both feel that the strengths of the relationship far outweigh the fact that I have to bring reading material wherever I go because of her slow pace, and she always has to listen to me rant about Republicans, customer service, and money. (I know: I’m a charmer!)

Anyway, I know I’ve hijacked your question to talk about myself once again, but I think it bears great relevance on your situation with your quality boyfriend.

I’m not going to defend the lapses in his behavior whatsoever. It IS inconsiderate to not call to confirm plans. It IS inconsiderate not to let you know he’s running late.

But unless you want to scrap your entire relationship for these occasionally frustrating incidents, all you can do is ask him to be more considerate with such matters in the future.

If you make something a dealbreaker, it’s a dealbreaker.

If you put up with it, it’s just a quirk.

If he loves you, he will do his best to honor your request.

And then he’ll forget, because that’s who he is.

And you’ll put up with it and make jokes about it and live a very happy life together.

Of course, you could “cut bait,” but your future boyfriend would have some intolerable characteristics as well.

If you make something a dealbreaker, it’s a dealbreaker.

If you put up with it, it’s a quirk.

Your call, my friend.

10
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Comments:

  1. 31
    Luxe

    Hey Beth,
     
    I’m glad you made the best choice for you. I was thinking about this thread today, and to some of the people here who are patient enough to wait for someone for more then 20 minutes.. that is pretty damn good. After 30 minutes without a phone call or text I’d probably be irritated. I’d consider what Steve does and just take off and do my own thing without them. And if this was a constant behavior, I think it would bring out the worst in me. If I were in your shoes, I would have done the same thing.

  2. 32
    hunter

    I used to be the way “beth” describes her boyfriend, I wasn’t really into my girlfriend.  
    Needless to say she is gone….

  3. 33
    Emma

    In my opinion, overanalyzing is never good!!

  4. 34
    Steve

    I’ll write it again, this issue HAD ( Beth, dumped the guy ) nothing to do with over-analyzing.
     
    Setting dates with people, showing up on time ( within 5 min most of the time ),  calling them as soon as you know you will be late, calling them sooner if you have to cancel and answering their messages in a timely manner are basic adult life skills.   These things are also common courtesy.
     
    Being turned off for being repeatedly on the dirty end of this narcissistic, childish dirty stick is not over-analyzing.

  5. 35
    Steve

    @Beth
     
    When you broke up with him, did you tell him why?   What did he have to say about it?    I’m guessing since his relatives complain about his behavior it isn’t likely to change.

  6. 36
    TraciT

    Hi Everyone (especially Evan)!

    I’ve been reading this blog for a while now and this is the first time I’ve ever been prompted to write so please bear with me, haha. This post spoke to me because I see myself as having been in the position of her boyfriend. I feel that this is a letter that my ex could have easily written about me.

    To the Original Poster, I believe that Evan is giving some seriously sound advice, along with a lot of the responders (personally, KarlR is a favorite of mine. Karl, I’m always looking for you in the posts…stalker-ish, I know. lol). Anyway, I think the best point that sums it up was when Evan stated:
    “If you make something a dealbreaker, it’s a dealbreaker.
    If you put up with it, it’s a quirk.”

    Like some others have said, it basically comes down to personal preference and what you think you can put up with and what you can’t. But think and choose wisely, because things that could be looked at as minor in the long run, could cost you a great love if you blow them out of proportion by thinking short-sightedly. No one can tell you what that is though, only you can know that for yourself. Probably the best way to approach it is to look at the big picture; that if this man makes you happy and you acheive a certain amount of fulfillment with him despite everything else then that’s probably all that counts. You may have “quirks” that he may also have to “put up with” and he does so because he cares about you and is happy. I guess it’s safe to assume that if the two of you are still involved. I think you can only learn which things are quirks or genuine flaws that should come to question, through time and discernment. Listen to your gut. Right now it sounds like your gut may be telling you that you might be acting too sensitive about his habits, since you say that despite his type of inconsideration(s) that you still think he’s great and you are happy with him. Would you honestly stop at just the things you mentioned, or is any habit he has that irks you going to come into question? Sounds like the things you mentioned might be things that you just have to accept about the guy…or you may risk pushing him away by being critical about something he may not see as a big deal in relation to the longevity of your relationship. Really, all you can do is try to talk to him about how it makes you feel (what he says may or may not help change your perspective, but hear him out). Understand that he might honestly try his best to accomodate you, but if it’s just the way he is then the “change” he might attempt may be marginal at best. In that kind of situation there are no guarantees. If he’s able to turn it all around for you, then great! If not, then what are you going to do? So in the end it will still come down to a decision YOU will have to make anyway…accept him the way he is, or see if you can find someone else (who will also have trade-offs, possibly worse ones). Are you really prepared to take that risk at this point? You can only control what you do and how you can react in a given situation. So it’s probably not realistic to expect him to change for you. People only really change when THEY believe they should make the change. Think about all the close friends you love and accept despite their obvious quirks or flaws. If you really love and are happy with your man, then why should the expectation be different for him?

    Trust me, I’ve been on the receiving end of what I perceived was petty criticism and passive/aggressive actions to try to get me to change in my last relationship (lasted 2.5 years). He was holding these “flaws” over my head as the reasons why he didn’t feel comfortable marrying me, but in the same breath kept telling me that he was happy with me and wanted a life with me. I told him that I would try to make the changes (even though I didn’t think that I needed to change at all), but that it would probably take a lot of time for me to show consistency and recognize those opportunities to exhibit the changes in habit – even saying that did not satisfy him. Honestly, I thought that by the 2.5 year mark he should’ve already made that decision to accept me and be happy or not accept me and move on to someone that fit all of his expectations/criteria. He chose to stand his ground in thinking that it was MY responsibilty to make changes for him when and how he wanted me to make them. So, what ended up happening was I chose to cut HIM loose. (and I don’t think you want to lose a great guy because you were upset about some unanswered picture messages or for being leisurely with his time. I think we all know and love people who seem to be on a different clock or set of manners than us) It hurt me badly to break up with him because I loved him deeply and wanted to marry him, but honestly who wants to be with someone who can’t be understanding or fully accept them? So like I said, just talk to the guy and see how the conversation goes. But expect that things may not change when or how you want them to. All you can expect is the guy to love you and contribute to the relationship the best way that he can. And if at the end of the day you’re happy and can say that you have a quality man, then what more could you want? I wish you both the best of luck!

    P.S. I hope all of that made sense, lol. I know I went on a tangent about myself but I just wanted to illustrate a point. I hope I’m able to help someone through my experience. :)

  7. 37
    TraciT

    Um, wow. I JUST read that Beth broke up with dude. I’m so slow. lol, Well Beth, it sounds like you made the best decision for yourself in this situation and I’m so glad for you! Sorry I just spilled my guts, haha. But like I said, hopefully it’ll be of help to SOMEone! Good luck with the next guy, Beth! ;)

  8. 38
    Karl R

    Steve said: (#34)
    “Setting dates with people, showing up on time ( within 5 min most of the time ),  calling them as soon as you know you will be late, calling them sooner if you have to cancel and answering their messages in a timely manner are basic adult life skills.   These things are also common courtesy.”

    Are you familiar with Latin American culture? This “common courtesy” that you speak of is completely alien to them.

    I once gave a choral performance at a mission church for migrant farm workers. (The church was in Kansas; most of the migrant workers were Mexican or Central American.) The minister who ran the church told us:

    “The service is scheduled for seven pm, so show up at seven. You can warm up, then I’ll give you a tour of the facilities. We’ll start when we have enough people. It might be 30 minutes or 2 hours before we start. The service will run for about an hour, and people will continue to come in througout the service.”

    We showed up at seven. The service started at eight. People were still arriving after the service had ended. What you call “the dirty end of this narcissistic, childish dirty stick” is the way that 539 million people live their lives.

    You and I live our lives punctually, but that doesn’t mean that it’s the only way to live, or that it’s the right way, or that it’s even the best way. It’s a choice that we make.

    If you don’t want to live with someone who runs on a different kind of schedule, it’s perfectly understandable. If you’re going to insist that they’re deliberately doing it to jerk you around, you’ll end up sounding incredibly narrow-minded.

  9. 39
    Selena

    @Karl #38

    So people were still arriving after the service had ended? I guess then they really didn’t care about missing the service. It wasn’t that important to them. And so it goes with relationships as well.

  10. 40
    san

    Karl#38
    Yes, different cultures have different ways of looking at time but, in this case he was an American. As an American adult he knew what was expected of him when it comes to time.

  11. 41
    Steve

    @Karl #38
    Beth, her ex-BF, myself and you are North Americans.
     

  12. 42
    Ruby

    When you are looking for a life partner, one of the main criteria is reliability. Your partner does what he says he’s going to do, He follows through. You can count on him. He doesn’t habitually leave you hanging. Another important consideration is his ability to listen. If you tell him that something he does creates problems for you, does he at least attempt to modify his behavior or does he ignore your concerns? I’ve changed my mind from my previous comment. While I don’t think Beth’s boyfriend was deliberately trying to hurt her, he does sound immature and inconsiderate. I can see why she made the decision she did. 

  13. 43
    Selena

    I’ve known and loved a few habitually late people. I learned how to adjust to “their time” ; if they said they would be over around 7:00, I’d expect them between 7:30 and 8:00. I also learned to lie to them. If I wanted to meet them at 7:00, I’d tell them they needed to be there by 6:00. Saved some frustration, but I noticed something funny: the same people who were chronically late for social engagements were seldom late for work. They didn’t show up at airports 30 – 60 minutes after their plane left the gate. They managed to make it in time for  their weddings and births. So what does that say?

  14. 44
    Kat Wilder

    Well, I was going to cut the guy some slack because he’s a single dad, and that can throw a wrench in plans at the last minute.
    However, sounds like she did the right thing; someone can be late for a date or forget a date or accidentally fall asleep and wake up late for one, but if these sorts of things happen all the time with no apologies, I’d be sure I brought it up and gave him a chance but then I just might walk away if it didn’t get better.
     

  15. 45
    Helen

    Beth, reading what you added in your comments: It seems that you two were in different stages of your life, and thus were incompatible, so you did the right thing by cutting him loose. He is in a transitional and busy stage: periods when he has to be the sole parent (parenting is extremely difficult, time-consuming work!), juggling duties with his ex-wife, starting a new job… You, on the other hand, seem to be in a relatively more stable position with fewer demands on your time. If you do not want to be with someone who has that many demands and hence is more unreliable when it comes to relationships, it’s something to keep in mind when you enter your next relationship.
     
    It sounds as though you want to be someone’s first priority, and he cannot, at this stage in life, make you his first priority. It doesn’t mean he’s a bad person. But his may not be the type you want.
     
    Karl R, that’s an interesting story about the migrant workers’ church service. There’s always a problem of political correctness when we attach values to areas where cultures differ considerably; hence the responses you received. I agree with Selena that the service wasn’t that important to them if they were arriving at the end of it – but they shouldn’t be judged for thinking it’s unimportant. Maybe what mattered more to them was socializing with friends who were still there. Most of us in North America would place more value on getting to meetings on time, but that’s because we value getting tasks accomplished and reliability (why else would we set times for meetings?) over the mere process of getting together eventually.
     

  16. 46
    Sara Malamud

    Beth, he is not going to change and you are going to lose him. ”if you cant change the problem change your attitude” You cannot tailor-make the situations in life, but you can tailor-make the attitudes to fit those situations. – Zig Ziglar

  17. 47
    Karl R

    Selena said: (#39)
    “So people were still arriving after the service had ended? I guess then they really didn’t care about missing the service. It wasn’t that important to them.”

    Think back over the last week to every time you hurried away from one engagement so you wouldn’t be late to another.

    You were willing to cut those engagements a little short to avoid being late … so those engagements that you cut short must not have been very important to you, right?

    Seriously, if you think back far enough, you’ll think of some situation when you left something that was important and enjoyable just so you wouldn’t be late to soething less important and less enjoyable. If an outside observer examined all of these incidents, they would come to one conclusion:
    Spending time with friends, family, dates and organizations is less important to you than meeting your societal obligation to be punctual.

    Our culture has a rather twisted set of priorities, eh?

    This obligation is so widely accepted in our culture that it becomes a convenient excuse to leave situations that we don’t enjoy.

    In Latin American culture, the obligation is reversed. There’s no pressure to be punctual … but it’s rude to leave a situation early.

    So some people were two hours late to the service because they were meeting their cultural obligation to not leave another situation early. Others probably used that obligation as an excuse to avoid something that wasn’t important to them.

    san said: (#40)
    “in this case he was an American. As an American adult he knew what was expected of him when it comes to time.”
    Steve said: (#41)
    “Beth, her ex-BF, myself and you are North Americans.”

    Do you conform to every cultural expectation for our society? I certainly don’t. My friends don’t. Every person that I find interesting regularly violates some cultural norm (not necessarily the same ones that I do).

    People don’t violate cultural norms out of malice; there’s no need to villify them for doing so. Not unless you think society is justified in villifying you when you violate cultural norms.

    If you don’t want to date someone who is always tardy (or who has 20 piercings, or who never shaves, etc.) don’t date him/her. It’s a lot more practical than trying to convince them that they are “wrong” and need to change.

    Similarly, if you consistently violate a cultural norm, it may cramp you dating options. People probably won’t change to accommodate your differences.

    However, to the extent that we can accept people who are different, just the way they are, we expand our dating options.

    Brief tangent:
    Steve
    , there are 111 million Mexicans who are also North Americans. san, every single Latin American

    … do I really need to finish that sentence?

    Blind ethno-centrism is one of the cultural norms for our society. I just wanted to mention that before anyone started preaching the “wisdom” of conforming to cultural norms.

  18. 48
    detha

    Beth made the right descion for her.

  19. 49
    Selena

    Karl, personally I just don’t schedule myself the way you described so it’s N/A. Secondly, you rather made my point, the people who were late to the service were so because what they were doing beforehand was more important than the service. If a steak dinner was served at 7 limited to those who came before the food ran out, do you think the turnout would have been different?

    Time may be seen as more flexible in some cultures than others, but people are still motivated by self-interest nonetheless.

  20. 50
    Ruby

    I’m not sure how you can truly compare a casual church service with numbers of people showing up at various times (even if that is acceptable in their culture) with an intimate, romantic relationship. Who’s to know how these migrant workers might behave with their spouses or close family? If you tell me that Hispanic people are lax about accountability in their personal relationships, I might find this plausible, but my Hispanic friends are no less punctual or reliable than anyone else. 

  21. 51
    Em

    I think he’s the wrong guy for you.
    I know it’s hard to want to be in a good relationship and then be bummed to find out that the other person doesn’t communicate the way you do – but that will be a big problem later on down the line so I’d heed it now.
    The bottom line is that when two people are on the same page, they’re on the same page and when they aren’t, they aren’t.
    It sounds like you’re on different pages communication wise – and it really bothers you to the point where you are writing for advice online.
    I think you’re intuition is telling you it’s indicative of something greater. To, you a key facet of a good relationship is obviously lacking here and I personally don’t think you should stick around if it’s making you this unsettled.
    Being “good” isn’t going to make him magically communicate more or in the style that suits your needs – it will only make you have to continually “discipline” yourself – trust me, the feeling won’t go away.
    He’s surely not a bad guy, but he’s missing something you personally seem to need. There are guys out there who communicate constantly – look for one of them.

  22. 52
    Karl R

    Selena said: (#49)
    “personally I just don’t schedule myself the way you described so it’s N/A.”

    And you’ve never had a friend or family member cut short a get together to meet something on their schedule? I suspect that it happens so often that it barely registers when it occurs.

    Selena said: (#49)
    “If a steak dinner was served at 7 limited to those who came before the food ran out, do you think the turnout would have been different?”

    Five times the number of people would have shown up … and you still would have had people arriving after 9pm.

    Some of them may sometimes use it as an excuse to avoid something they don’t want to do. That doesn’t explain the entire population living that way all the time.

    Selena said: (#49)
    “the people who were late to the service were so because what they were doing beforehand was more important than the service.”

    By that standard of judgment, everyone’s job is more important to them than their children. They arrange their day around their jobs first, and their children second.

    But if you forced them to choose between permanently losing their job or their child, the choice would be different.

    And getting back to the original point, how do you explain people like Beth’s boyfriend or Steve’s friend (#18) who are late for everything? Do you believe that nothing is important to them?

    When people have deeply ingrained habitual behaviors, they’re not going to suddenly change just because they care about someone/something. That’s why everyone says that you shouldn’t get into a relationship with someone expecting them to change. It’s not because they don’t care about you. It’s becaue they won’t change, even though they do care.

    Ruby said: (#50)
    “my Hispanic friends are no less punctual or reliable than anyone else.”

    How many generations have they lived in the U.S.?

  23. 53
    Selena

    @ #52

    I can’t remember friends or family members “cutting short” a meeting with me – but, I’ve certainly had some give the courtesy of telling me they had later plans before we proposed to meet.

    The entire population lives that way all the time? And how do you know this?

    And not wanting to lose a job is part of the example I gave in my post #43. Interesting how  “socially non-punctuality” does not translate to employment. A boss might not tolerate an employee showing up whenever they felt like it, therefore it becomes important to the otherwise unpunctual person to conform. Less important to conform to those with whom the consequences have less impact – financially or otherwise. Has nothing to do with the love for one’s children.

  24. 54
    Ruby

    Karl #52
    Either born and raised in their native country or first generation.

  25. 55
    Karl R

    Selena, (#53)
    I know these things because I tend to read and listen … and then remember what I learned years later.

    The article below discusses various attitudes toward time around the world and the mindsets that accompany them. I was particularly struck by the comment about Berlin.
    http://www.iranian.com/main/2009/sep/persian-delay-factor-pdf

  26. 56
    Selena

    Karl,
    Interesting reading. And now I know if I were ever invited to a Persian dinner party to snack (and perhaps nap) before attending.

    From the article:

    “It is impossible to say which way of looking at time is correct. Both are appropriate–in their own environments.”

    And in the environment of meeting in the US, punctuality would be considered appropriate in most situations.  Or face repercussions similar to Berlin. :)

  27. 57
    Steve

    @Karl;
    I don’t buy the cultural relativism argument.   When people go against the *basic* customs for respect and keeping things functioning in *their* culture those people are deciding that the rules only apply to other people, not them.  That isn’t the kind of person most people want to be in a relationship with.

  28. 58
    Joe

    Karl, if someone cuts a get together “short” to meet something else on their schedule they are not really cutting it short. Just because you might think someone wants to spend two hours with you and have them only spend one hour doesn’t mean they are cutting it short–they originally planned to only spend an hour with you, or they wouldn’t have scheduled something else.

  29. 59
    Nancy

    I having been dating for about 10 months and almost finished with my divorce. I am a serial dater and by the time the year is up in Jan. I will have dated about 50 men. The age range is 43 to 58 and all white collar, average to hot looking. Seventy-five percent were players, twenty percent were pathological, four percent were boring, and one percent were desirable but got away.
    Internet dating is bad for women who want to find a husband (particularly at midlife) and great for men. For men it is like buffet style dining- all you can eat.
    You can read all the gurus’ self-help books, won’t change a thing. Men get away with acting like jerks.

  30. 60
    Ronnie Ann Ryan - The Dating Coach

    Yes, everyone has annoying habits and to be in relationship requires putting up with them. But it helps to know what your deal breakers are. For some, not communicating is acceptable. For others, it’s a major assault. I always tell my dating coaching clients that if your date’s behavior impacts your self esteem, its a deal breaker. So now you’ll need to decide on a scale of 1-10, just how annoying and frequent his lack of communication and consideration are and if that is a deal breaker.  Wishing you love!

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