How EXACTLY Do I Break Up With A Non-Committal Man?

How EXACTLY Do I Break Up With A Non-Committal Man?

Evan,

I have read your advice on non-committal men. I have done everything wrong. Sleep with him when he wants, clear my schedule for him, revolve my life around a guy who doesn’t do that for me, but he “doesn’t want to lose me”, etc.

I know your advice is: “Walk away and don’t look back. If he follows, you’ll know you’ll have yourself a boyfriend who values you and will follow you to the end of the earth. That is what you deserve. If he doesn’t, then he’s not all that serious about keeping you in his life, is he? ”

My question is, what is the right way to walk away? Do I have a “talk” with him? I feel like having a break-up talk is close to the same as giving him an ultimatum. Do I just go away? What exactly is “walking away?” What would be most effective with men? –Eileen

Dear Eileen,

I must admit, I’m always surprised when advice that I think is straightforward ends up being confusing for a reader.

Obviously, that only means one thing: I’m not nearly as good at explaining myself as I thought I was.

So thank you for reminding me to dig deeper, to straighten out the subtle nuances of the concept of walking away.

He is going to be a great boyfriend and husband for someone. Just not for you.

Let’s paint a scenario that should look familiar to most women.

You’re seeing a guy for the past three months. And by “seeing” him, I mean that you’ve been sleeping with him approximately once a week since the night you met. (If you’re not doing this, the story STILL holds, so please, stick with me.) You like this guy. You like this guy a lot. He’s charming, cute, smart, kind and charismatic. He is going to be a great boyfriend and husband for someone. Just not for you.

And you know this already because if he wanted to be your boyfriend, he’d already be your boyfriend. The fact that he sees you once a week, doesn’t hang out with you platonically, hasn’t introduced you to his family, hasn’t talked about a future, and only communicates by text tells you everything you need to know. This is a dead end.

Now let’s bring this back to you.

I tell you to walk away. What does that mean? Well, let’s start with what it doesn’t mean.

Walking away is not saying, “Jim, so where is this relationship going?” or “Can we talk about ‘us’?” or “How come I don’t hear from you during the week?” or “Am I your girlfriend or not?”
Those are all weak attempts to negotiate with him.

This is not a negotiation. This is a declaration.

Because you already HAVE the answers.

Men assume falsely that because they would like to see a naked picture of YOU, that you MUST equally crave seeing a naked photo of them.

This relationship is going NOWHERE.

There IS no ‘us’.

He doesn’t call you during the week because he doesn’t WANT to.

You are NOT his girlfriend.

This is all obvious to everyone but you (and maybe your equally dreamy and romantic girlfriends).

All you have to say to the noncommittal man – and I’m sure I’ve written this down somewhere before – is this:

“It’s been fun hanging out with you for these past few months, but I’m not looking for a once a week fuck buddy. I’m looking for a boyfriend who is open to a long-term relationship with me. And since, apparently, it’s not you, I’m going to have to say goodbye. No hard feelings. Best of luck in your search. Please don’t call me anymore.”

Tada!

Why should you take such a strong stand?

Because what’s the alternative? Keep doing this weak-ass guessing game, hoping that he’s going to step up and fall in love with you? Go ahead, give it a shot. But first show me a bunch of happily married couples who were fuck buddies for a full three months before becoming exclusive. Fact is: people tend to become exclusive FAST – often within days, but generally not much longer than 6-8 weeks.

If you’re not settled with a guy by then, he’s ambivalent, he’s using you, and there’s no one else to blame but you.

And if, by some miniscule chance, you cut off the guy who really wanted to be your boyfriend (even though he gave NO indication of it beforehand), guess what? He will let you know. And beg you to reconsider. And you can change your mind. And live happily ever after.

Except you know and I know that this isn’t what’s gonna happen.

You’re going to give your little speech. He’s going to look at you with a half-smirk, half-frown on his face. And he’s going to say to you when you’re done:

“You’re right. You deserve more than I can give to you. I respect that. It’s been fun. And if you’re ever lonely one night and want to hook up, please let me know.”

And then he’ll hug you goodbye and you will move on your life, instead of wasting months and years on men who have no desire to commit to you.

You just need the courage to tell these players to piss off.

Find it and you’ll be all set.

21
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Comments:

  1. 61
    lilly

    Thanks for your reply. He has claimed me as his girlfriend, but we have been dating for seven months, after knowing each other for 23 years, and he has never said “I love you.”  I decided to walk because I don’t want to waste my time.  We are both in our fifties.  I’ve ignored his last two emails from this weekend. I was just wondering about how long I should hold out hope that he’ll come to his senses. 
     

  2. 62
    Miranda

    I googled “non commital men” and this article came up and I love it! I have been dating one for about 6 months now and despite what my friends have warned, I had been hoping that this guy would “see the light” and realize what a great gf I would be. Well, recently it became clear to me that whatever the hell is going on between me and him is going no where (he cancelled a date for a “friend”, basically everything was scheduled around his convenience…). Never calls, just texts and we meet on average once a week. All warning signs.. I know. But it took that one text this week to make me realize that I’ve had enough of this bulls***. We are probably only gonna meet in a week and I can’t wait to get things over and done with and call it quits with him. I thought of doing it over text but I feel that these things should be done in person. Part of me also wants to see what his reaction is cos I don’t think he has any clue what’s coming.
     
    Thank you Evan…I can’t wait to tell this guy to piss off! Wish me luck :p 

    (Luck! – EMK)

  3. 63
    Miranda

    Thanks Evan.
    As an update…I did the deed and unfortunately it was not as easy as I thought it would be. He was totally caught by surprise and did not expect what was coming to him.
    I have to admit that I was disappointed that he didn’t even try to fight for me and that I was more sad than I thought I would be.
    It was hard and definitely tough to do…but oh well, life goes on. And like eveyone says, I guess he wasn’t the right one for me :(

  4. 64
    Sparkling Emerald

    Great advice EMK !!!
    I haven’t been in that situation this time around (because I have been on and off dating for only about a year so I don’t have a whole lot of relationship experience this time around).
    However, if I find myself in this situation (weather there is sex involved or not), I think I will spare the guy the “I ain’t no booty call”  speech and just stop returning his calls, texts, etc.  Just pull my own disappearing act.  I don’t owe an insignificant other an explanation.  When the insignificant other finds the girl he REALLY wants to be with, or gets bored with me, HE’LL just disappear without a trace or an explanation, so why shouldn’t we girls do the same ?
     
     

  5. 65
    lilly

    Yep, Miranda.  I start talking to mine again and agreed to go on a trip we had planned.  Nothing has changed…didn’t fight for me either.  His loss.
     

  6. 66
    LB

    I appreciate and can relate to your comments since I am in a similar situation. before reading your recommendation on how to walk away I was already prepared to do so and now I know exactly what to say. But I had  previously invited him to a wedding which is in 2 wks and am deciding if we should still go or end it now. I am not comfortable asking another guy friend now because he’ll know he wasn’t first choice.

  7. 67
    LB

    I decided to blow off the wedding and him and am happier now. Finally I have peace of mind . Love this site and appreciate all you sharing your situations. It was a great help. Thanks

  8. 68
    judy

    The most brilliant piece of advice I ever had was, if you give the sex too early, there’s nothing to keep him waiting.
    If he won’t wait for the sex, and doesn’t call you, he just wants you for sex.
    Simple.

  9. 69
    Star

    Some men are just like leeches. Don’t really want you, but they’ll cling because you’re all they’ve got at the time. You toss them away, and they don’t fight because they’re weak, lonely and know deep down you’re not what they really, truly want.
    Like Evan say’s, just tell them to piss off, and save yourself a lot of time and heartache.

  10. 70
    Dee

    I just told my guy not to waste my time anymore. Its been a year back and forth and i got really fed up with him. Yet, I still hope that he changes, but I know he’s not going to. Its kind of hard when you go to the same place for Karaoke and he comes in. I am keeping busy. :(

  11. 71
    Paris

    Thank you! I needed this. This was awesome; perfect!

  12. 72
    Sassy

    That is the best, most straight forward and simple advice I have ever heard. I must say I love it. You described my situation that I walked away from. I felt uncomfortable for months. I ended it. I even told him I don’t blame him, I blame me. We had some good times and I wish him the best. This grown man said, my decisions sucks but see ya around, after he tried to convince me we had a connection. Lol. I felt so good after that. the crazy part is he half way acted like it was a relationship and I acted like it might have been one too. When deep inside I knew. So after I walked away I stumbled on your advice. THANKS!!!!!!!

  13. 73
    Gypsy

    I hate the thought of saying goodbye, even though I know I am torturing myself by being at his beck and call. A year and a half in, he will never introduce me to his family. I still want him, and I hate what I am doing to myself by hanging on. He is so good to me…when I see him, but I am being afool waiting for what will never happen.

  14. 74
    Wendy

    Just did before reading this article.
    It does not feel good at that time because I know I like him and probably not seeing him again.
    But later feel great that by knowing the truth, cut it down which I still have happy memory for myself and my respect. 
    So, hey women and girls, Lets do it if you want your dignity !

  15. 75
    Gypsy

    I finally did it yesterday. He Admitted he wasn’t willing to give me what I deserve. That was what I needed to hear. Hurting inside became I love him, but knew inside I had to do it for my self.

    1. 75.1
      SparklingEmerald

      Gypsy  – You did the right thing.  You may be hurting now, but you have made room in your life for a man who will be MORE than willing to give you all the love you deserve, and then some.  Big hug to you !
       

      1. 75.1.1
        Gypsy

        it has not been easy but I guess it gets a little better every day. Thank you very much.

  16. 76
    wendy

    Buck up~~ 

  17. 77
    wendy

    I read the post here and women here trend to stay for years and years.
    I guess sometimes as women we always do one mistake is “cheat ourselves” and find excuse for him that he is going to be the one. But the fact is if you start to have to keep telling yourself this, it is already a very good sign to end it up.
    There is only reason that you should give time to a men who do not commit : He is not so sure that you want to commit with him. 
    The rest of the reason ,like, he is not so sure about the feeling, so sure the timing, so sure whether the relationship works….All of these you should not wait for. Why? Because even he committed to you one day, he is going to leave you if he had to take so much time to think about the relationship.  
     

  18. 78
    Lauren

    I’m really happy I read this article. I was just in this situation for the past month, and decided to take this advice and end things with him. He didn’t try to stop me from walking away, which led me to believe that I made the right decision. It really hurts because I thought that maybe one day he would change his mind and want to commit to me. But I had to wake up and realize that I can’t change him. I could only change the situation I was in, and hope to find a guy who will want a commitment with me.

  19. 79
    ange

    LOVE IT, great advice

  20. 80
    Karl R

    samantha said: (#80)
    “But, I don’t want to be a fool, either.”
     
    If you don’t want to be a fool, pay attention to what you wrote.
     
    samantha said: (#80)
    “I want children one day and he does too, but he hasn’t expressed having children with me in particular.”
     
    He will someday have children with someone else. You can either believe what you already know, or you can waste another three years pretending he’s going to change.

  21. 81
    Kate

    OMG, SO TRUE!!! I did it! He came back begging me to take him back and I didn’t. I am so proud of myself for not giving in to this player. He is still with his girlfriend yet he is contacting me. You are worth lot more than a player!!!

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