How EXACTLY Do I Break Up With A Non-Committal Man?

How EXACTLY Do I Break Up With A Non-Committal Man?

Evan,

I have read your advice on non-committal men. I have done everything wrong. Sleep with him when he wants, clear my schedule for him, revolve my life around a guy who doesn’t do that for me, but he “doesn’t want to lose me”, etc.

I know your advice is: “Walk away and don’t look back. If he follows, you’ll know you’ll have yourself a boyfriend who values you and will follow you to the end of the earth. That is what you deserve. If he doesn’t, then he’s not all that serious about keeping you in his life, is he?”

My question is, what is the right way to walk away? Do I have a “talk” with him? I feel like having a break-up talk is close to the same as giving him an ultimatum. Do I just go away? What exactly is “walking away?” What would be most effective with men?

Eileen

Dear Eileen,

I must admit, I’m always surprised when advice that I think is straightforward ends up being confusing for a reader.

Obviously, that only means one thing: I’m not nearly as good at explaining myself as I thought I was.

So thank you for reminding me to dig deeper, to straighten out the subtle nuances of the concept of walking away.

He is going to be a great boyfriend and husband for someone. Just not for you.

Let’s paint a scenario that should look familiar to most women.

You’re seeing a guy for the past three months. And by “seeing” him, I mean that you’ve been sleeping with him approximately once a week since the night you met. (If you’re not doing this, the story STILL holds, so please, stick with me.) You like this guy. You like this guy a lot. He’s charming, cute, smart, kind and charismatic. He is going to be a great boyfriend and husband for someone. Just not for you.

And you know this already because if he wanted to be your boyfriend, he’d already be your boyfriend. The fact that he sees you once a week, doesn’t hang out with you platonically, hasn’t introduced you to his family, hasn’t talked about a future, and only communicates by text tells you everything you need to know. This is a dead end.

Now let’s bring this back to you.

I tell you to walk away. What does that mean? Well, let’s start with what it doesn’t mean.

Walking away is not saying, “Jim, so where is this relationship going?” or “Can we talk about ‘us’?” or “How come I don’t hear from you during the week?” or “Am I your girlfriend or not?”
Those are all weak attempts to negotiate with him.

This is not a negotiation. This is a declaration.

Because you already HAVE the answers.

Men assume falsely that because they would like to see a naked picture of YOU, that you MUST equally crave seeing a naked photo of them.

This relationship is going NOWHERE.

There IS no ‘us’.

He doesn’t call you during the week because he doesn’t WANT to.

You are NOT his girlfriend.

This is all obvious to everyone but you (and maybe your equally dreamy and romantic girlfriends).

All you have to say to the noncommittal man – and I’m sure I’ve written this down somewhere before – is this:

“It’s been fun hanging out with you for these past few months, but I’m not looking for a once a week fuck buddy. I’m looking for a boyfriend who is open to a long-term relationship with me. And since, apparently, it’s not you, I’m going to have to say goodbye. No hard feelings. Best of luck in your search. Please don’t call me anymore.”

Tada!

Why should you take such a strong stand?

Because what’s the alternative? Keep doing this weak-ass guessing game, hoping that he’s going to step up and fall in love with you? Go ahead, give it a shot. But first show me a bunch of happily married couples who were fuck buddies for a full three months before becoming exclusive. Fact is: people tend to become exclusive FAST – often within days, but generally not much longer than 6-8 weeks.

If you’re not settled with a guy by then, he’s ambivalent, he’s using you, and there’s no one else to blame but you.

And if, by some miniscule chance, you cut off the guy who really wanted to be your boyfriend (even though he gave NO indication of it beforehand), guess what? He will let you know. And beg you to reconsider. And you can change your mind. And live happily ever after.

Except you know and I know that this isn’t what’s gonna happen.

You’re going to give your little speech. He’s going to look at you with a half-smirk, half-frown on his face. And he’s going to say to you when you’re done:

“You’re right. You deserve more than I can give to you. I respect that. It’s been fun. And if you’re ever lonely one night and want to hook up, please let me know.”

And then he’ll hug you goodbye and you will move on your life, instead of wasting months and years on men who have no desire to commit to you.

You just need the courage to tell these players to piss off.

Find it and you’ll be all set.

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Comments:

  1. 121
    Tracey

    I think it boils down to this…..Why buy the cow when you can have the milk for free.? Don’t give away free milk!

  2. 122
    Marina

    I have to admit, I’m one of these ladies who need specifics sometimes, and tough love and straight forward talk. This one is great! Thanks so much. I needed this. I’ve been stuck too long. Moving forward.

  3. 123
    MikeTO

    “It’s been fun hanging out with you for these past few months, but I’m not looking for a once a week fuck buddy. I’m looking for a boyfriend who is open to a long-term relationship with me. And since, apparently, it’s not you, I’m going to have to say goodbye. No hard feelings. Best of luck in your search. Please don’t call me anymore.”

    See this is why women shouldn’t have sex until marriage or at least wait 6 months. There are plenty of PUA that will use women for sex. Even some MGTOW will have sex. Tom Leykis teaches men to have sex with women and when women want to commit he teaches them to stop seeing them.

    Here is an article showing relationship is better when a couple waits for sex.

  4. 124
    Lisa Hopkins

    Just told a  guy been seeing for 8 months exactly this!!!  Said he was hurt I’d said I was just his fuck buddy!!!

     

  5. 125
    Courtney

    This was the perfect article for me. I had been seeing a man for 10 months and he gave me a lot of mixed signals. One week he would contact me a lot, ask to see me, talk about places we should go in the future… and then the next week he would pull away and I’d barely hear from him. After a week where he cancelled and moved our plans around three different times, I finally had it. I told him I didn’t deserve to be jerked around anymore. He also admitted that he did like me, he just “wasn’t sure how much.” I told him I needed to spend time with someone who was more confident in how they felt about me and made me feel cared about on a consistent basis. I wished him luck and said that I was walking away from this one. Not surprisingly, he never responded to that last text message. I feel like a giant weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

    1. 125.1
      Christine

      Good for you for refusing to tolerate that any longer!  I read somewhere that his indecision is a decision, and think that is very true. In this case, it’s a decision that he doesn’t care enough about you to really commit to you.  The guy who is sure about you, and really cares about you, will not leave you with such doubts.  He had ten months to make up his mind.  He isn’t entitled to ten more.

      I went through a lot of men like this.  In hindsight, I’m glad I let go of them early, to make room for the guy who saw me regularly, contacted me on a consistent basis and has made me feel cherished from day one.  I get this feeling that a guy like that is around the corner for you, too.

      1. 125.1.1
        Courtney

        Christine, thank you! While it was the best decision, it’s still a little difficult to walk away. Reading your encouraging words help! I’ve also never heard the quote, “An indecision is a decision.” It’s a short statement, but it makes so much sense! Those words are going to stick with me.

        Glad to hear you also let go of men who weren’t willing to reciprocate and you found a great guy in the end! Who knows, maybe “my person” will be around the corner!

        1. Christine

          I understand why it isn’t so easy to walk away.  After all, you invested nearly a year with this guy, and probably had certain hopes for him.  But we both know you did the right thing.

          I remember reading a book (sorry, forget the title right now) full of true stories about women who dumped their “Mr. Right Now” guys, then met their “Mr. Right” just months (sometimes even weeks) after that.  That was the case for me as well. I obviously don’t have a crystal ball to guarantee a time frame–but know that you’re on your way to Mr. Right, after taking the vital first step of getting rid of Mr. Right Now!

  6. 126
    Rachel Foss

    all I can say is… THANK YOU.  this is perfect and exactly what I needed

  7. 127
    Lis

    You’re talking about months. What about 4 years in a long distance non-relationship?

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