How Often Am I Supposed To Call My Girlfriend?

How Often Am I Supposed To Call My Girlfriend?
Hi Evan,

Firstly. I have very much been enjoying your “Advice from a Single Dating Expert” forum. It’s very helpful to get a moderated forum from an expert. And the folks who post seem to be halfway intelligent.

OK question.  My girlfriend of one year wants to talk to me on the phone every day. To me it feels like I am checking in with my mom. I say “no way, it pushes my buttons.” She says “If you really loved me you would want to rather than feel like you have to.” Evan, since you have dealt with many daters and have some perspective, where is this phone call frequency on the range of daters who call each other?

I know it seems nuts, the woman is otherwise great for me, but I can’t get past this feeling.

–Hadley

Dear Hadley,

Thanks for your kind words about my readers. I would have to agree that they’re a smart bunch. They ask tough questions and are open to challenging answers.

Which leads me to the very predictable portion of today’s blog where I challenge you.

So you have this girlfriend who you’ve been with you for a year. Your constant source of tension is that she wants to talk to you every day. You don’t want to do this because it makes you feel like checking in with your mom.

Got it.

Hadley, my friend… If relationships are about compromise, what exactly is it costing you to talk to your girlfriend every day? That’s right. Nothing. The only thing it’s costing you is “being right.” And that’s where most couples stumble. We want to be right. We want to tell our partners how it is – what we do, what we don’t do, how we’re not going to be bossed around. And what for? So your amazing girlfriend can feel insecure that her boyfriend of a year doesn’t really love her? How does this arrangement possibly help you?

Think of it as simple cost/benefit analysis.

Time it costs you to call her to say good night and ask about her day: Ten minutes.

Time it costs you to argue about not wanting to do this simple task: a lot more than that.

Women crave connection. And until you’ve got a ring on her finger and are signing your marriage contracts, it’s very reasonable for her to be concerned about the health of your relationship. The way to reassure her? Constant contact, constant communication, constant affection, constant talk of the future. Let any one of those things go for a day or a week, and I get a letter from her saying, “I’ve been seeing this guy for a year and I think he loves me but doesn’t want to talk to me as much as I’d like.” And you know what my answer to her would be?

If he can’t see fit to accommodate you by calling you every day, he probably doesn’t love you that much.

It may be annoying, Hadley, but it’s a small, small price to pay for a healthy relationship. Pick up the phone and let her know you’re turning over a new leaf.

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Comments:

  1. 31
    J

    Neither one of the two people should be saying, “If you really loved me” and then issuing a challenge or an ultimatum as in “then you’d do or say …”. That has nothing to do with love and a lot to do with guilt, manipulation, and insecurity and/or a need or desire to control someone else. The idea is to find someone else who has the same ideas about what people do, say and feel (for the most part) when they like and/or love and/or respect someone else (hopefully, all three) in a true partnership – where you are in it together. Or at least, find someone whose ideas are not incompatible with yours = again for the most part. Negotiating is for business and international piece treaties and bartering for better prices in flea, and other, markets. And it often takes center stage in divorce proceedings too. Oh, and back when women were regarded mostly as property, chattel, brood mares and/or a way to either restore or increase ones fortune with their accompanying dowry and arranged marriages were primarily the norm (as way to again build alliances, increase wealth and propagate the familial line and influence), negotiation was probably pretty big then too. This would also be a time when women placed far less emotional demands on men because what they thought and felt was completely inconsequential and their rights as individuals were pretty much non-existent for the majority of them. Women were often nothing more than property for centuries in many cultures. To be had or disposed of at the will and whim of their legal guardian – their husband. Back then, men often saw the girl as the wallet (if had lost their fortune for whatever reason) regardless of what she did or didn’t look like and also picked her if she looked like a good breeder. That was the way it is – like it or lump it or you know, join a convent : ) Women want more emotionally, physically, mentally, career-wise – because we can and because it is out there to be had. With the right man or men (over time) who want similar things to a similar degree or at least have compatible wants, needs and goals – to ours. Surely those of you who don’t want to have to talk to their girlfriends more than once a week, can find a girl who is cool with that. The rest of us who want and need more contact with our S.O. will keep looking for the man who is into us enough and enough on the same wavelength to be in touch more and to a comparable degree and frequency of communication as we ourselves put forth and desire. This seems like it would be very easy to understand, but very hard to find. Not sure why someone has to be right and someone has to be wrong. Though again, if you ask “How often should I call” or “do I have to…”, that is off to me as it means you are saying it is because you have to and not want to. If you find that you “have to do” a bunch of stuff a lot of the time to keep a partner (whether you are male or female), then it is too much work, too much pressure and it isn’t really working for you or them well. Find someone who fits.

  2. 32
    the last word

    Hadley, you asked Evan a question, he gave you his advice, as did everyone else on this board, yet it sounds as if you’re still set in your ways.

    best of luck dude.

  3. 33
    Hadley Paige

    To: the last word: ” actually commentary aside in my initial post to Evan I asked “Where is this phone call frequency [once a day] on the range of daters who call each other?

    While I enjoyed all the discussion this question started, I still haven’t heard much from posters about what range of phone calling is typical (as opposed to appropriate or desired).

    As I posted above “In order for one to understand if ones behavior is reasonable or not, it is useful to have a societal context with which to compare it to. No?”

  4. 34
    Selena

    Hadley,
    I don’t know how you can define typical, since this is subjective and IS based on what individuals consider appropriate and desireable. My experience has been that someone who is very interested calls every day. Certainly a *boyfriend* does, and often more than once a day if we are making plans to have dinner together or otherwise meet that night.

    There have been a couple men I dated casually, and what was typical in those situations was calling 1-3 times a week to say “Hi” and/or make plans together for the week-end. Those ‘relationships’ in my case, always proved to be fairly short-lived–so for me, typical in frequency of calling is directly related to closeness, exclusivity, being “a couple”.

    Others related factors though, can involve what type of work, hours a person has–if they even CAN call, and if personal calls during work hours are discouraged. And certainly people who have a routine of seeing each other every night might not find phone calls beforehand even necessary.

    Is this the type of answer you were looking for?

  5. 35
    the last word, II

    Hadley: “While I enjoyed all the discussion this question started, I still havent heard much from posters about what range of phone calling is typical (as opposed to appropriate or desired).”

    dude, based on your letter, your gf was trying to communicate to you how much she wants you to call her. Sounds like you can’t be bothered so you’re trying to benchmark the ‘reasonableness’ of her request by repeatedy asking or making up cockamamie junk social science about how women are supposedly more demanding now than years ago because you don’t want to call your gf more than 1x per week.

    like evan said, would you rather be happy or right? sounds like the latter.

  6. 36
    Hadley Paige

    To the last word II:

    “your gf was trying to communicate to you how much she wants you to call her. Sounds like you cant be bothered…”

    It seems like you feel that once the gf has expressed what she wants I must then do it or then (by your lights) be considered wrong or at least inadequately attentive. If I understand your inference correctly, I must disagree with you.

    Yes, I am trying to benchmark my behavior as to where I fall relative to everyone else. Do you feel that that is a misguided thing to do? Isn’t the determination of whether a behavior is appropriate or inappropriate a societal construct?

    “Sounds like you can’t be bothered so you’re. . . making up cockamamie junk social science. . .

    Sound like you’ve got a bit of an agenda here. Do you have any support for your view that I have made up “cockamamie junk science”; or is it that you just don’t like the perspective and therefor discredit the theory? I would be very interested to read any reputable study you may have access to that suggests otherwise. I am not attached to my theory, I just happen to believe, based upon what I have read, that I am correct. If you have a body of research which points to a different conclusion I would be very interested to read it. Lets keep to the facts and stay off the personal attacks shall we?

    Point of clarification: I never said I would only call her once a week, I was responding to a poster’s inference which suggested that “calling on a regular basis” meant calling once a day. What I actually suggested was that once a week was also on a regular basis, (regular does not mean frequent) not that I wanted to call once a week.

    To : Selena thank you for your perspective. It was very helpful. I encourage mores postings such as this. Rational, sincere, no personal attacks.

  7. 37
    Nelson

    Women and men in committed relationships have a need to feel loved. I, like you, was not a proponent of calling just to call or to call everyday. But then I recently met someone more aligned with my interests, ideals, and thoughts. I found myself enjoying our conversations. It started out slow, feeling each other out but after just 1 month, we call each other every day, sometimes 3 times a day. We have started what I hope is a lifelong conversation. We never run out of things to talk about. We just click and have a really strong connection. It doesn’t sound like you and your gf click in that manner. To give you some insight into what I am like, I am highly independent, very laid back, and the generally quiet, thoughtful as some have called it, brooding, silent type. But now I have met my true match, she is the same and it is a genuine pleasure sharing thoughts and just seeing how our days are going and getting new ideas that feed other ideas. It’s just fun to call each other and it feels good. It’s what a relationship is all about. When you’re dialed into your partner, the relationship and communication is effortless. If you have to struggle to find things to talk about, then perhaps it’s time to move on.

  8. 38
    jonquil

    I see this question was originally answered last October. Perhaps, Hadley, if you’re still not inclined to call your girlfriend more frequently -after 5 additional months of dialoging with the blogosphere – as opposed to having the genuine desire to share ideas/day’s stories with her – your relationship is not meant to be.

    Other posters seem to also be suggesting that you choose a girlfriend to whom you can relate more.

  9. 39
    pericles

    Wait, stop, desist! The “If you really loved me” is NOT a line. It’s a simple fact. That girl is pointing out the obvious. Look, folks, I was married for 22 years; if he really loves you, yes, he calls every day. Every day (underlined). More than once a day, if he needs to talk to you because you are the one person he shares everything with.

    When you REALLY love someone, you crave contact with them, over the little things and the big ones. That’s just the way a real relationship works. Anything less than that may very well be love, but it’s not felt or experienced the same way by the two people. If it’s just “dating,” then maybe the level of commitment isn’t as high; but don’t call what this girl wants somehow manipulative. She wants what anyone in love wants: connection. If he can’t give her that, they really are on different tracks, and he needs to realise it before she gets really hurt.

  10. 40
    cntrygrl

    I read all that was posted, I am also having this same issue with my BF. He does not like to talk on the phone and does not call everyday, somedays i worry and blow things way out of proportion, the other days when i get to see him he makes me feel loved and needed and desired and tells me that he thinks of me all the time. It is his way of letting me know that i am important without the calls, Yes i would love to have 2 min call at night or even during the day, and Yes it makes my day brighter and i am more secure that he does think about me. I do not want to say that “all women” feel the same but in my opinion we as women need that contact, we need to hear your voice, we need to know you think of us as much as we think of you. So…Hadley, just pick up the phone and say HI it wont hurt you as much as you think. It will make your GF a happier more secure person and when you dont get a chance to call, then tell her how much you thought about her during the day and wished you couldve called. It helps, experience talking GF that doesnt get called either =(

    1. 40.1
      Zeetash

      The fact that you say ‘need’ in your response…says it all really.

  11. 41
    Schadenfreudian

    I detect a control freak.  Are you absolutely sure you can live with those ultimatums?  Everything you find mildly irritating now will explode into bona fide shitbombs after married, especially with children.

  12. 42
    Sadia

    Okay Hadley, it seems to me that you are veering wildly off topic in some of your posts.  What I got from the original letter was basically this: 1)You’ve had this girlfriend for one year.
    2) She wants you to call everyday, but you don’t want to.
    So let me just ask this, how often do you call her now? Is it much less frequently than once a day?
    I only ask because as a woman, I want to understand the frequency of calls that guys, or at least you, find acceptable.
    In my experience, I have encountered two types of guys:
    1) the guy who doesn’t call enough but when confronted will swear on his mother’s grave that you mean the world to him and that he shouldn’t have to prove his affection with a phone call
    2) the guy who takes 2 min. of his time every day to check on his gf. It needn’t be a long, sentimental conversation, it could be just to say good night. Whatever it is, it shows that he cares or he is thinking of me.
    Personally, I would want the second guy. Because at the end of the day, I wanna know that he cares about me and I don’t just want to have to take his word for it!
    But back to your original problem: it seems to me that part of the issue is your dishonesty with yourself. Do you really love this girl? If you’re saying yes, then ask yourself why a simple request from her annoys you.  When we care about someone, we WANT to do things that’ll make them happy instead of finding reasons for why they shouldn’t want those things in the first place! If you can’t and don’t want to give her what she needs, it means that she is not worth as much to you as you may think, and for your sake and hers, you should just let the girl go!

  13. 43
    Interesting

    Hadley, I don’t see what the issue is. It isnt like G-d forbid, your girlfriend will lose her voice. You want a girl that talks less, one that doesn’t remind you of communication with your mother, so leave this girl alone, so she kind find someone better than YOU.
     
    If you want a female who is willing to be happy with once a week after a year of dating you. Then date someone who isn’t in touch with her emotions. Date someone who doesn’t view communication as a necessity in relationships. Date someone who is perhaps cold. Date someone that rather talk to anyone but you. Date someone who doesn’t want to be exclusive and you can be part of her juggling around talk schedule. :)

  14. 44
    HAdley Paige

     
    Here is the wrap-up to the relationship that inspired the original question.
     
    The relationship lasted almost 3 years. It ended when I went away for two weeks. I didn’t call her for 4 days. When I did call she was very upset w me. I told her that when I go away I want to feel like I am away and I don’t feel like I am away if I call her every day. I said that I want to miss her and I don’t miss her if I talk to her every day. Well, that was it.
     
    It seemed very upsetting to me at the time. But we all have our hot button issues that seem not so important to observers but are very important to us. I feel you need to take the person as they are. No one is going to change substantially. And there are always issues. So either make you peace w the issues that show up w the person or you move on.
     
    Now I am in a new relationship w a woman I met a few months after the breakup. She is also great in her own unique and very different way. (and, yes there are a few issues). The phone call issue was present again BUT the compromise we arrived at was that we text to each other a few times during the week.
     
    She appreciates the fact that I have to spend a lot of time on the phone (I am a lawyer) and in light of that, the last thing I want to do is chit chat on the phone. For me the phone is a tool. You get on, you convey the info that needs to be conveyed and then you get off. I am happy to spend hours chit-chating in person; and we do that as we spend the weekends together. And she hears that I don’t like “just checking in”. I think she heard it bc up front I warned her that a number of my relationships ended around this issue and if she can’t make her peace w it, it ain’t going to work. So 17 months into the relationship it seems to be working.
     
    Moral of the story for me? If the woman I am with is incapable of accepting that there things that are important to me that she can’t wrap her head around & she won’t accommodate them (I try to keep the list very short), then I need someone else.
     
    Bottom line for me is: I will accept you with all your quirks and preferences. I will never force you to do something you don’t want to do & I will make my piece with it. In exchange don’t force me to do stuff I don’t want to do.
     

  15. 45
    ditto59

    This is a very important question. if a relationship will work, its totally based on communication. My boyfriend of five months and I are going through this phase right now. When we frist met, we used to talk atleast thrice everyday at an hr length most of the time each. My policy is dont start something you cant finish. Whatever you start a relationship with make sure you start with something you can stick by for a long time atleast till you put a ring on our finger  guys; cos as soon as there is a slight change we start wondering if you are hiding something or you are loosing interest in the relationship.
    I understant things kinna sizzle down in a new relationship as time goes on but it should never be sudden without talking about it like ” honey, you know the job i do is driving wk so i can be arrested if i keep being on the phone whiles driving so lets cut the calls to twice a day etc and pls dont be offended if its not a long conversation…..” something like that will make all of our lives sooooo much easier.

    Now he only calls me ones a day in the morning every morning between 7 and 7.30am and thats quite about it. I would call him twice between 11 and 5pm at four hour intervals hoping for him to call back but he never does and most of the time i dont hear from him till the next day at 7am and that makes me feel very ignored and knowing that his ex wants him back and he being normal friends with her still just makes me feel very insecured. We have had a big talk about it and its seems he is sorry, he hasnt made any major efforts to change that attitude and i almost feel like retaliating now not calling him and or visiting him atall for a while to have a taste of his own medicine but im afraid it will lead to the end of our relationship. Mind you we only see echother once and thats fridays.

    To me, communicating with your otherhalf during the cause of the day really should be every couple’s automatic chore just like brushing your teech each morning. Nobody tells you to do that, you just do it. so that if your spouse dont hear from you twice out of the three times you talk, they will immidiately know something might be wrong not only to the relationship, but also you may be in trouble like accidents, or missing or trouble with the law etc. and within a certain time if they dont hear from yuo still they will start to look for you which can very well save a life. Doesnt happen often but wait till it happens to you. 

    To me, any healthy relationship wheather being married or just dating should never make calling eachother thrice a day be a big issue cos i dont think people who says they love eachother should ever get tiered of communicating. cos communication is really the only link between love and sex so where there is no communication, things can rather turn soar very fast if your relationship is not very strong. so guys my rule is lets alternate, call her in the morning, she calls you in the noon and either one of you call to say goodnight, even if its a voicemail or text and if you do that, to me, i dont think its a lot of calls atall especially if you dont see eachother everyday. A total of 10 mins a day dedicated to a very valuable relationship just to say hi, to me is not much atall since you can call a friend and talk to them for hrs unend a day and at the end of the day they wont give you a kiss( cos they are just friends) but your other half will and more. It will keep both of you in check and in mind of eachother and when that happens, it will be hard from you to chase someone else without first thinking of the person in yuor life first. It just makes sense.

  16. 46
    David

    Going through something similar, though not exactly.
    In my relationship, I am the one that wants to speak everyday. My girlfriend is the one who is often too busy to drop me a line beyond a couple of text messages. I felt the need to mention this after reading a few responses and hearing comments like, “Men are like this… and women are like that…”. The truth is people are different, and gender plays a small role.
    Call your girlfriend, everyday. You *are* checking in, just like you do with your mom. Maybe she is insecure or maybe she just wants to hear your voice. Regardless, take 10 minutes, call her.

  17. 47
    TheVoiceOfRaisin

    I’m in the same situation as David. I’m a male who is wanting to be contacted every day in order to feel cared about but is with a woman who wants her space and feels she should be able to go a couple of days without contacting me and not have it mean she doesn’t love me.

    Both sides of the argument bear a lot of merit:

    The idea of a person being in love with someone and therefore naturally having the desire to be in touch at least once a day sounds logical to me. Who wants to go to bed at night without that warm fuzzy feeling of knowing that someone out there cares about you enough to have felt the desire to tell you during the course of that day?

    On the other hand when I am physically with my girlfriend she never fails for a moment to make me feel loved and cherished so any assumption that she didn’t love me while she wasn’t contacting me is patently false.

    I personally am of the opinion that every person needs to be constantly growing in life in order to feel accomplished throughout. An important catalyst for this growth is the person we consider to be our life partner at each stage. We grow towards them based on their needs either knowingly or unknowingly. 

    Since both sides of the equation have their positive aspects in this case; one making a person feel good, the other giving a person their space, should we not consider possessing the capacity to accommodate both in our lives a worthwhile attribute?

    I myself intend to examine my inherent neediness and attempt to reach a stage where I am not as demanding of my girlfriend as I am now. I would like to think also that she will examine herself and find the time to make the odd phone call that she may previously not have made.

    Hopefully over time we will meet in the middle. I think if two people truly love each other then this is the process that results. I hesitate to label it compromise, I think it runs a little deeper than that. The real trick of course is having the desire and persistence to hold onto the relationship long enough for the middle point to be reached.

    I’m not sure that digging one’s heels in and proclaiming to the world that it should accept you the way you are is a very constructive approach to life. I’d welcome someone stepping up to argue the merits of that approach in order to improve my understanding of it.

  18. 48
    Amiyel

    Pick a good time to talk together in quiet, pleasant surroundings.

    1. Tell her that you love her, and have been giving some thought to her request to be called on the phone every day. 

    2. Let her know that you want her to feel happy and secure in the relationship, and that you’re really going to try to call her every day.

    3. Explain that, for you, when something becomes a “rule,” this kind of gets in the way of the tender, loving feelings you naturally feel.  Get the idea across that: Since love is a two way street, it would help you out a lot if she’d meet you part of the way, when it comes to this matter… for example, just “let it go” if, once in a while, you aren’t able to make that daily call.

    About the “If you loved me” comment. Maybe she doesn’t know that using a phrase like that can have a negative effect, so give her the benefit of the doubt.  If her use of that phrase bothers you, find a good time to talk about this. Tell her that, the way you see it, different people express their love differently. Explain how the words  “If you loved me…” make you feel uncomfortable, because they don’t leave a whole lot of room for you to be natural and spontaneous in the way you go about loving her. Express to her that you KNOW that you love her and care about her feelings, even though your way of showing it may not always meet her expectations. Since loving someone includes being willing to make a few compromises, you are happy to make adjustments here and there, for the sake of your happiness together.   

  19. 49
    Adamo

    I am very sorry too burst this bubble, but this pseudoromantic advice really annoyed me. As I have had numerous relationships and more than I care too admit that ended poorly on these grounds, I cannot say I agree with you Evan. 
    If it is a matter of waying interests than what does this have to do with love and respect? Too me a adult relationship between people finds its fundaments in respect of eachother’s needs and limits. Simply ignoring your own values because of another’s needs does not lift such as complex relationship dynamic.
    If your argument is that you should answer your partners needs because of love, where do you set the boundary of what that limit is? The simple fact remains that such a boundary does not exist or that it is simply there. It is very possible that this has nothing to do with the love you hold for one and other. So either you accept your partners every wish or respectfully and openly converse your personal feelings and see if the love is strong enough too remain even though you may have personal differences. 
     

  20. 50
    Holly

    “If you loved me…” Is a form of manipulation. Plain and simple. My boyfriend and I have been together 2 years. We have the trust, comfort, and rapport with each other that we contact each other every couple of days.
    We met knowing that BOTH of us are very independent people. We met as just regular friends obviously having our own lives going and enjoying them. When we started to date, we both discussed how we do want to be together but to be able to enjoy “me” time to ourselves to keep the balance. We go everywhere together, sleeping over each others homes, going on vacations, etc. Then for a day or two, we do our own thing without feeling the need to contact each other about it. It’s awesome because when we do get back in contact, we have tons of things to talk about!
    It always feels like our relationship is in the “honeymoon” stage. We both love that. My boyfriend always notes that it feels “fresh” every time we see each other and it has been 2 years!
    The day or two “off” works for us. We seem to vibe on how much contact we wish to have on a daily basis. We have had our marriage discussion and are staunch on STILL giving each other some type of space. We want time with our own friends, family members, work, hobbies, etc. to ensure that we connect with ourselves outside of being a couple.
    Some couples need to have constant contact. If it works for both involved, great! But both must be on board of how the relationship is going to go. You can’t manipulate your partner into being more involved. That’s just asking for the relationship to deteriorate. As well as you cannot deny your partners feelings if they are craving more affection. Both of you must have a deep, heartfelt discussion of how you BOTH feel about communication. All of it- the when, where, why, how much and so forth. You won’t have a healthy relationship otherwise.

  21. 51
    jennyana

    @Holly 50

    I agree with you.   

  22. 52
    mike

    I would have to agree with Holly..it is manipulation,its insecurity..
    When you have your shit together(enjoying your life,being happy with who you are and what you do,have your own hobbies,dont make your parther your hobby) you dont act like that,period.
    If my gf called me every day id break up with her.
    space and independence are critical,develop your own life,have some goals of your own.dont destroy the magic by being clingy,insecure and so predictable..
    advice to girls,dont do that to your men,dont swallow everything you read in your girle magazines aka he doesnt call you every day?maybe you should question his love! bull..theres nothing to talk about,theres no problem there,people need their own space,marriage dont mean you have to be siamese twins….dont let social conditioning dictate your own life..

  23. 53
    SarahH

    I’m sorry but I have to DISAGREE that this is strictly a woman’s thing… the whole craving for a connection thing. I have someone who I’ve been back with for a couple of months now and we’ve been through this 4 times already. We were together last year for about 5 months.
    If I let a couple of days pass without calling him back, he starts blowing up the phone (office, cell, etc) and tells me hes worried and then when I call him 1-2 days later, his whole attitude is different. He’s short, curt, and obviously bothered. Never mind, my busy schedule, never mind how many other responsibilities I have on my plate. When I tell you, I’m TIRED through the day, it’s an understatement. I’m up right now trying to get more work done (I work for myself). He knows this and yet he is the one saying that if I loved him and respected him, I would call back immediately. It’s not about not loving him enough. I adore him. I’m not a phone person. I spend ALL day on the phone and computer with clients and SOMETIMES the last thing I want to do is stay on the phone again with him or ANYONE personally.
    My point is… NOT all women crave that type of connection and I too feel pressured when he says that if he were my priority, I would make time in the day to call everyday. Considering I’m not married or his fiance, why should two people dating be required to do this? Instead of getting all riled up, why can’t the other person just assume they are busy? Every time one of these episodes occur, I feel like I have to validate the relationship all over all!

    1. 53.1
      Natasha

      Lol, Sarah!  You just read my mail!  That is exactly what is happening to me.  I HATE THE PHONE!!!

  24. 54
    Katarina Phang

    Sarah, he’s needy, demanding and possessive.  It’s a turn off for me and a red flag.  Maybe it’s time for you to reconsider if you are really as into him as he’s into you and if he’s a long-term potential. If he gets on your nerves already now, it will only get worse.

  25. 55
    Saint Stephen

    Katarina, i think Sarah’s boyfriend is feeling a bit insecured, He necessarily might not be possessive and demanding if Sarah reassured him a little bit more.

  26. 56
    SarahH

    Hi Katarina and Stephen, thank you for your response. Stephen, my issue about reassuring him more is this…I don’t feel a grown man in his 40′s should be insecure nor put the responsibility on me to help him overcome this when I have not given him REASON to be insecure.
    As mature adults, (I’m in my late 30′s), if I flirted with men or did something to make him question my loyalty, I could understand. But I’m not a flirt, we are both loyal and committed and hard-working…and up to a few weeks ago, I CONSIDERED moving in with him in the FUTURE. But… I feel differently now.
    The other day, I brought up how often he needed to hear from me and asked him about his expectations of this relationships (we are not engaged). I didn’t understand how a man could get upset when 2 days passed when he didn’t hear from me while my mom was visiting – I’m busy with my mom and kids. There were no emergencies during these two days. I sent an email to further iterate all of this and ended the email with xo… He actually questioned why I didn’t send xoxoxoxo like I normally did and then said he wasn’t “that” insecure and felt he loved more than he is loved back…

    A couple of weeks ago, I was driving back from out of state the other week and b/c I didn’t call him while driving or when I got home (15hr drive w/ family members in the car) he stated that I apparently didn’t want to hear from him while he was writing poems for me while I was gone. HUH?
    I’m trying to be understanding but this is baffling to me. As an independent woman, I have NEVER dealt with a man like this. I completely appreciate sensitivity but I don’t want to feel like I have to check in daily while I’m dating someone nor do I want mood swings b/c you haven’t heard from me ON THE PHONE in a couple of days when I’m busy.
    Don’t get me wrong, he’s great b/c he’s all about family, his kids, adores me and my kids, he is a hard-worker, smart and we share the same important ethics and values in life. However, I’m independent and I am VERY worried about how he would be if we were to take it to the next level. We are both divorced and his wife cheated on him. So did my ex but I’m not insecure. That was my ex-husbands issue not mine. I’m not the first woman he dated after his ex-wife so that’s not it.
    He’s such a nice guy but this bugs the he** out of me. I’ve never been clingy or insecure. If ever I had issues, I stayed SINGLE in my life until I worked them out.. I so need to hear opinions bc I would hate to break his heart yet this unwarranted insecurity is driving me bananas and I don’t want to compromise my character JUST to accommodate his insecurity that I didn’t cause…. Not sure if I’m being hasty or realistic…. 

  27. 57
    Katarina Phang

    Sarah, you’re right.  He sounds extremely insecure and I have never heard a man who acts more like a (an insecure) woman like that (cause usually you hear it a lot how women are needy and overthink stuff).

    Get out now while you still can.  These things won’t get better.  He shouldn’t be acting like that in the first place if you haven’t shown any sign of disinterest or a reason for him to be jealous/insecure about. 

  28. 58
    Saint Stephen

    Sarah you need to remember this guy wasn’t always like that. Though your Ex unfaithful act didn’t get to affect you much, but everyone doesn’t react the same to situations. Is way harder for Men to deal with unfaithfulness than women because our male-ego had been badly crushed and as such it takes men longer time to heal.

    Men know that women crave connection more. So if a guy is the one always craving constant connection he’s bound to feel you aren’t really into him, or you are just passing time while looking for a better fit.
    Sarah, i’m a young guy and the truth is, if i had a girlfriend like you, i’ll think she doesn’t feel the same way i feel about her and dump her because i know women aren’t good with hiding emotions and like to connect more with guys they love.

    You can take Katarina’s advice and dump him. but you might just be dumping a great guy and spend the rest of your life trying to find someone else like him.  

  29. 59
    SarahH

    Hi Stephen,
    I’m having a hard time understanding why its so difficult for some men to understand that not all women fit into a mold nor CRAVE connection as though we are damsels in distress or puppies that need constant attention (not saying you said that ;) ). There are many women who are confident, assure of themselves and don’t feel needy or worried if they don’t hear from or see their boyfriends daily. This is especially true of confident women with full lives and/or women who are mature and older and don’t live vicariously through their ‘man’. 
    You said that if you had a girlfriend like me, you’d dump her b/c women in general want to connect more and insinuated that perhaps I don’t feel deeply for him. I don’t get that. There are practical women out here who love deeply and loyal without appearing desperate – myself included. I have given him reassurance of my love for him, how proud I am of him and that he’s in my life and sure enough, he has mentioned several times that he’s too ugly for me or that I’m going to leave him often. Why put me through the mess that his ex created? It’s not that my ex didn’t affect me (or what he did), I took the TIME to heal… instead of dragging some poor schmuck through the mud while forcing him to make up for all of the crap my ex did to me. Had this been a woman needing constant attention who needed for her boyfriend to tell her she was pretty, needed, loved and worthy, I wonder if guys would look at this situation as a nagging, low-self esteem girlfriend who doesn’t know how to give a man his space…..
     

  30. 60
    Saint Stephen

    @SarahH
    If you go through the whole of this particular thread u’ll notice that virtually all the ladies corroborated with Evan’s assertion that Ladies crave connection. I’m not saying women like you don’t exist. Rather i’m implying that Marlboro women like you are in the minority. Most men don’t have a problem reassuring their women of how wonderful and pretty they are- b/c we know most women love to feel loved and adored.

    Basically, women craving constant connection does in no way mean they don’t have a life outside their man- it means when people fall in love, they try to build their life around that person.
    I really think you need to reevaluate  your feelings for him. Perhaps you might just be needing a Man like Hadley Page (the OP) who feels perfectly fine with once a week phone call (yeah… who knows ;) ). 

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