I’m Sensitive, Afraid of Rejection and Push Men Away

I'm Sensitive, Afraid of Rejection and Push Men Away
Evan,

I wanted to see if you had any tips about modifying my own behavior, because I’m driving myself (and a progression of men) at least a little batty.

Reading your blog has been so useful to me over the last 2 months of intense dating, thank you. I try to – and often do ­– successfully apply your advice. It’s been up, and down, and absolutely wonderful and then total hell. I’m 34, attractive to people who like my physical type, and I do okay – many men like me, and I like some of them back. I have the usual frustrations with bad dates, vapor trails, and the men who are just emotionally available enough to keep me around but won’t let anything progress, but I’ve learned to accept this as part of the ride.

But I’m very emotionally sensitive and naturally very defensive, and it’s killing me. When a man pulls back just a little bit – even very early on, and very possibly just in my head – I start to freak out on the inside, to write the death warrant on the non-relationship, and to become tense about the whole affair. I write “you’re obviously not interested – nice to know you” emails way too quickly, leaving men going “Wait. What?” They often stick around to work it out – I swear some of them even *like* it – but I’ve poisoned the natural progression of our discourse, and I think the long-term effects are usually negative.

I know this is bad. I logically know it’s very bad. But when I’m in the middle of an “it’s over and he doesn’t like me! I must defend myself!” attack it feels 100 percent like the only course of action. Then I write the email/leave the voice message and… instantly feel horrible. I sit in dread of the response. I suddenly see the mature, thoughtful way I could asked them what was going on with them that I didn’t take.

Do you have any mechanisms, anything at all, for heading off this behavior at the pass? I feel like a slave to my fears of rejection, and it’s causing a “let me reject you before you reject me!” nuclear reaction that slimes everything in radiation and leaves everyone, self included, emotionally flayed. I hate it.

Thank you, even if you just read this! Your blog really is the best.

Best,
Emily

Oh, Emily.

I’m about the last person you should be asking for advice on defending yourself.

I’m constantly writing long-winded, emotional, poorly-thought-out responses to the various ways that my words are minced, mangled, and misinterpreted – and every time I do, I feel a piece of my soul break away.

Being understood is tiring work.

If you consistently fly off the handle that every man in the world isn’t following your imaginary script as to how he’s supposed to act, you’re essentially writing your own unhappy ending.

Being right requires constant maintenance.

And letting everyone know that you’re right is like a full time no-paying job.

Which is the key point – there are NO REWARDS for being right.

All you do is end up alienating the people who have the potential to care for you.

Are your negative impulses “correct”? I’m betting they often are.

But if you consistently fly off the handle that every man in the world isn’t following your imaginary script as to how he’s supposed to act, you’re essentially writing your own unhappy ending.

Remember: Men do what they want, not what you want.

Stop expecting them to do what you want, try to understand where they’re coming from, and you’ll soon discover that they start appreciating you a lot more.

I’m not an easygoing person, but I will be the first to tell you that there are few qualities more valuable – in a wife, in a friend, or in a business partner.

If you don’t learn to let things roll off your back, then most men – unless they’re blindly whipped on your intoxicating beauty – are just going to conclude that you’re too much work. Or, as other men have been known to say, you’re “hot and crazy”.

And a man can only deal with so many tantrums, so much criticism, and a finite amount of drama before he concludes that he’ll date someone less attractive, intelligent and impressive and find himself a nice girl who makes his life easier.

In fact, I just did a teleseminar last month, called “Being a Great Girlfriend” in my FOCUS Coaching group. Took a bunch of questions and spent an hour teaching women how to better understand and connect with men in relationships.

When you fire off angry missives to guys who barely have anything invested in you – much less a real boyfriend – you’re certainly not understanding him, appreciating him, or making his life better.

As “research”, I asked my Mom and wife to tell me the three things that made them great partners. After they both said, “Oral sex”, we got down to these three things: not emasculating him, appreciating everything he does for you, and doing your best to make his life happy every day.

When you fire off angry missives to guys who barely have anything invested in you – much less a real boyfriend – you’re certainly not understanding him, appreciating him, or making his life better.

You’re just telling him he’s an insensitive schmuck.

Yeah, we don’t like hearing that. Especially if we have valid reasons for not doing what you want us to do.

So, are there any mechanisms for heading off this behavior at the pass?

Apart from taking a deep breath, a time out, and a full day before you write something you regret, the only thing I can think of is this:

“Why He Disappeared – The Smart, Strong, Successful Woman’s Guide to Understanding Men and Keeping the Right One Hooked Forever.”

It’s the best summation I can offer about why men marry some women and not others, and I think you’ll really get a lot out of it. Please come back and let me know what you think. And don’t worry: there’s a money-back guarantee!

Thanks, and please come back here to let us know how it goes.

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Comments:

  1. 61
    Karl R

    susan said: (#53)
    “As for firing off the rejection email too soon, well I also stick by the theory that if interest is not GROWING from the guy then HJNTIY!!!”

    People are a lot more complicated than that.

    My interest in my fiancée did not slowly and steadily grow from the moment I met her until now. I had days where I had mixed feelings. I had days where I was so consumed by work and other tasks that I didn’t think about her.

    It would have been easy for my fiancée to say, “His interest in me is clearly waning this week. He must not be that into me!” While she would have been accurately perceiving my normal, human inconsistency, I was still sufficiently “into her”, even at those points to continue the relationship.

    If a man isn’t into you, he will show a long-term pattern of behavior supporting this. Not a one-day or one-week fluctuation in behavior.

    susan said: (#53)
    “Doesn’t matter who does the rejecting first, if he wants you he’ll work for it.”

    I’m a firm believer that “No,” means “No.” If a woman tells me that she’s dumping me, I take her seriously. I don’t continue to “work for it” after that point. Stalkers do that. Good men don’t.

    It does matter who does the dumping, particularly if one person is doing so just because they inaccurately perceived the situation.

  2. 62
    Emily

    Heather #43:

    Heh! Perhaps we were! Seriously, it really seems like a lot of women have, like us, created a sensitive shell around them for protection, and it’s a dangerous thing. But as you’ve found, men who handle it in a constructive way are out there! I think it’s meeting them halfway, really.

    Tonya #52 – I agree, learning to recognize it’s not about me is a really big and important step. That’s true of so much more than dating, really!

  3. 63
    Michael17

    Mia,

    We only have posts to go by. So it’s easy to get an inaccurate read.

    Now after reading your posts #30 and #47, I’m now wondering who you are picking to date, whether these guys are compatible with you. And so of course they don’t stick around.

  4. 64
    Marisa

    Well, I can’t claim to know anything about what men do or don’t want as far as drama goes, but I do know that Evan has some other posts kicking around somewhere around here that go something to the effect of “the guy who sees you only once a week for six weeks never becomes your boyfriend or your husband, so tell him thanks for the great times, but I’m looking for something serious, best of luck to you, and let him go.” I really liked that and found it incredibly helpful (as I did his advice in this post) I guess that is to say, there’s a time and a place for those kinds of “cut bait” talks/emails that are perfectly legit and not crazy, it’s just maybe not after the third date, you know? I’m terrible at dating, and doing my best to try and relate to men better, but from what I understand, for the first month or so, it’s our job to play it cool, see what he does, and date more than one person at a time–tough as it might be not to get too excited about any one special guy in particular. Then if he doesn’t step up, we are simply protecting our own hearts and time by cutting him off? I don’t know…as they say in Bill & Ted’s, “I just work here.”

  5. 65
    Leesa

    heather and emily
    i was thinking more about my post marriage behaviour and i wanted to add this because i’m wondering if you can relate. when i was married, my husband was the super smart nerdy type which i read in another of evan’s blogs as one type of alpha male. anyways, my ex-hub’s way of disapproving of me was to withold sex and affection and criticise constantly, sometimes for hours on a given day. he was passive agressive and emotionally selfish and cruel. on paper, i’m also very smart, but not in the top 1% of world brains like him. why i didn’t walk away at the 6 month mark i do not know. i guess i hoped it would get better, i blamed myself etc. but at 5 years, i said, no way! i had my dream life of living around the world and yet i honestly felt that my life was not worth living. so when i left him, i found myself extremely attracted to totally inappropriate guys. (before i was married there’s no way in a million years i would have went near guys like these) any guy who showed me a little attention but wasn’t seriously into me, i had to have. a bit like amanda said in (6) – i was addicted to the unavailability and rejection. it was horrible. it was like they were a black hole and the force was so strong i couldn’t pull myself away from them even though i knew they were really bad for me. so i was a bit like a dog with a really tight collar around my neck … trying constantly to get it (them) off (away). that was the living nightmare part of it. the point is that i knew they were totally crap guys and i didn’t want to be with them but this unresolved wounding made my attraction so powerful. boy oh boy it was horrible and beyond rational thought.

  6. 66
    Mia

    Michael, your follow up post definitely clarified things, and
    I’m sorry if I jumped all over you because I think I get what you’re saying. I do think women have a great gift of being more in touch with their emotions and should be sharing that side of themselves with men.

    But when I express my emotions, I just do it calmly and succinctly. A man I was dating said something that upset me while we were in the car and I was flipping out on the inside, but I bit my tongue. I said, “I know I’ve been quiet for awhile now, but that’s bc I feel upset and don’t know what to say.” There was no point sharing my feelings until I had myself under control.

    Another time, he didn’t call for a week. I was pleasant and normal when we finally spoke– hell, id been out with 3 other guys during that time. Later, on our next date, I shared my feelings: ” I feel disappointed that we didn’t see each other for awhile.”

    From 18-25, my life was that new hbo show “Girls”– getting pumped and dumped, affairs with married older men, cheating on boring, nice bfs, tantrums when a man rejected me. I must have learned that from my mom, who was emotionally abusive and walked all over my kind, amazing dad.

    And a few years ago, I cleaned up my act and began following Evans advice. It hasn’t worked for me yet, but I recently moved to a new city where my social life has really improved. I do date a huge variety of men and think its to my credit that I get pretty far in the dating process, but just haven’t met anyone who was compatible/in a place to commit.

  7. 67
    Mia

    I should clarify, when I used to be emotionally dramatic ( as my mom was with my dad), I would wind up with these nice pushover men like my dad. I want to break the pattern of the relationship I saw growing up and attract a man who’s my equal.

  8. 68
    Christine

    And what if women did the same thing:
    “Women do what they want, not what men want.”

    1. 68.1
      Karmic Equation

      Then you need to enjoy being single. Cuz you’re going to be single for the rest of your life…

      1. 68.1.1
        starthrower68

        It wise to enjoy being single anyway.  If we place our happiness on our dating circumstances, we’re going to be unhappy most of the time as we are all well aware the majority of them don’t work out.  It’s never wisdom to pin all our hopes on whether or not we’re in a romantic relationship.

        1. Karmic Equation

          I happen to agree with you, Starthrower. I love being single. But it’s by choice right now, not because I can’t find a good man who will have me. 

          With Christine’s attitude, she limits her options.

          And just to be clear, we women often do what we want to do (e.g., choosing poorly for “chemistry”; staying in expired relationships because we’re “in love” and don’t want to let go; not giving good guys a chance because “he’s too into you to start”, etc. etc.) — but doing those things will assuredly keep her single or unhappy in couple-dom.

          Sometimes its best to do what isn’t easy (bite our tongue; don’t criticize; overlook his non-dealbreaking flaws, etc) — to remain in happy couple-dom. Doing otherwise will ultimately get you dumped. Or prevent you from being a couple in the first place.

  9. 69
    Rosy

    Evan, kudos to you for hearing your Mum say “oral sex” and not blushing. (Or perhaps you did?)

    Anyway, I like this post. I find the trouble I have is walking the right side of the line between “doing my best to make his life happy every day” and becoming his mother / tapping into my giving rather than receiving energy too much. I *think* I’ve struck the right balance but sometimes I’m not sure.

    (Funnily enough, if asked to name things that would make a man a great partner, I’d include “oral sex” too! Maybe men and women aren’t from Mars and Venus quite so much as we think?)

    As for all the “do men actually secretly quite like drama?” kind of stuff; I like Rori Raye’s take on this, that men *do* like women who are in touch with their emotions, just not in a way that causes lots of drama. But sometimes in the absence of a woman like this, a man would prefer a drama queen over someone who appears to be totally out of touch with her feelings all together…

  10. 70
    Christine

    I don’t think it is necessarily a bad thing to push the “flush” button early on with guys that initially show interest, then start blowing cold. And I agree with Evan, that with these types of guys, you don’t have to do anything. The time I write “thanks, but no thanks” is with guys I know I’m not interested in or have shown qualities that I don’t want. I give guys a chance to show me who they are, but red flags are red flags and that doesn’t mean we are too sensitive or afraid of rejection, are flying off the handle or it’s wrong to want them to live up to our “script”. I’ve learned through dating what I want in a man and a relationship and have slowly defined what is right for me. Guys have to put in their share too, and if they are not ready or able to do that, they are not right for me. I’ll continue to be vulnerable, but that vulnerability doesn’t mean compromising who I am, being with a guy that isn’t that into me or doesn’t respect me enough to put in the effort, or letting that person get in the way of loving myself enough to know they are not good for me.

  11. 71
    Goldie

    Personally, as long as I feel safe and secure with a man, he doesn’t need to flex his muscles to show me that he’s the man in this relationship — I already know that he is. Then again, after reading this blog for two years, I’m coming to a conclusion that my friends and I are in fact different from the majority of this blog’s target audience. I guess being a tad on the geeky side, reduces the polarity of the sexes both for men and women. I’m totally cool with dating a sensitive, metrosexual guy, as long as he’s, like people on here said, not a pushover.

    There is a type of “nice guy” that I cannot stand — my ex had a tendency to be that way at times — it’s when a man will agree to anything, especially coming from people outside his immediate family — friends, acquaintances, coworkers, strangers — he’ll stop at nothing to make all these people feel good. Unfortunately, this often comes at the expense of his own loved ones. I’ve come to think this isn’t as much a “nice” guy as one who wants to avoid any conflict and look good in everyone’s eyes. So in the end, it’s really about himself — he’s not as caring as he tries to look. This type of nice guy, I stay away from. But a genuinely nice guy with a spine, who has his priorities straight? Give me this man any day and I don’t care if his masculine energies are up to standards — he’s a great friend and partner and that’s all I need.

  12. 72
    Helen

    Rosy wrote: “I like Rori Raye’s take on this, that men *do* like women who are in touch with their emotions, just not in a way that causes lots of drama.”

    Rosy, do you have a website for Rori Raye’s statement on this? Personally I haven’t seen any evidence that men like women who are “in touch with their emotions”. I’ve seen that they like women who are easygoing and manage to hold it together even in crises. Thanks.

  13. 73
    Heather

    @ Leesa:

    I think your ex was a clone of mine. Mine was an IT supervisor for a major web-hosting company, years ago. I think he still does it, but I do not know, having made it extremely clear to him when we divorced, that further attempts by him to contact me, would result in a restraining order. Anyhow, yes, I think EMK is correct that the super-smart nerdy types are a type of alpha male. I did not understand that, when I met him. I was 25, and was so desperate for someone to love me.

    When I’d see men pulling away from me, oftentimes I’d think “Aha, OK, here we go all over again, it’s just my ex all over again and guess what, I’m bailing out before I allow his behavior to get worse. I divorced because I know I deserve better than abuse, and I damn sure won’t go through it again.”

    I did learn to keep those freak-outs to myself and my girlfriends, thus my goodbye emails were far less dramatic, and more like, I’m sorry, but I don’t think this is going to work, or certain recent behaviors that I’m noticing, are dealbreakers for me. Oftentimes I got no response, and that was fine, I didn’t really need one, I just wanted to be polite and let the guy know that I was no longer interested, instead of just being a coward and ignoring him.

    I do believe in a couple of instances that I might have overreacted and maybe rejected a possible good guy, too soon. But, because I was trying to learn how to date properly, I figured well, better safe than sorry.

  14. 74
    Karl R

    Christine asked: (#68)
    “And what if women did the same thing:
    ‘Women do what they want, not what men want.’”

    They already do.

    Christine said: (#70)
    “that doesn’t mean we are too sensitive or afraid of rejection, are flying off the handle.”
    Emily said: (original post)
    “I’m very emotionally sensitive”
    “I feel like a slave to my fears of rejection,”
    “I start to freak out on the inside, to write the death warrant on the non-relationship, and to become tense about the whole affair. I write ‘you’re obviously not interested – nice to know you’ emails way too quickly,”

    Christine,
    Did you read Emily’s letter?

    Christine said: (#70)
    “that doesn’t mean [...] it’s wrong to want [men] to live up to our ‘script’.”

    If your desire to have men follow a script ends up sabotaging every one of your relationships (which is what apparently happens to Emily), then I’d say that it’s an ineffective dating strategy.

    If you have a “script”, and terrific men are routinely following that script, I don’t see a problem. Do you have a script (for the man’s behavior) that is working for you?

  15. 75
    David T

    @Christine 68

    [I]And what if women did the same thing:
    “Women do what they want, not what men want.”[/I]

    I think everyone would be happier. Then it would be about two people coming together and accepting each other for who they are willingly, instead of putting themselves into a situation where they are unhappy, but put up with it just because the [I]relationship[/I]. The outward behaviors end up being the same in both scenarios. The inward attitude is different in those two cases. In the latter case, the unhappiness will eventually change the outward behaviors and/or one or both people will be miserable in it.

    Communication and compromise is still a key factor in sustaining a relationship. If a change is easy, do it to please your partner. Not everything will be just so. Always both man and woman will need to accept (and maybe learn to cherish?) some of the flaws in their partner.

    I believe Evan’s point is about you accepting the ‘typical’ male for who he is and what he does rather than holding out for something that is perfect in your eyes. He never said that men should not do the same. Remember, his blog is directed towards showing women what will get them into a relationship, and how to have a mindset that will keep them into it. I would not be surprised if he tells his male clients very much the same thing you posted!

  16. 76
    Heather

    David,

    Well you do raise a good point about we women doing what we want. I think that too many of us (and I include myself here from long ago) don’t do what we want, and end up unhappy. I always did whatever I thought a guy would want, or would make him happy, and I ended up totally freaking miserable. And still get dumped anyways.

    So finally, the lightbulb went on last year and I went, you know what? Screw that. I’ll do just as I like, and if a guy doesn’t like it, well I can certainly show him where the exit is. It worked beautifully. I had guys trying to sleep with me on the first date. I didn’t want to, and said so. Most disappeared after that, and I was perfectly OK with that. I figured if they were going to be immature enough to get snippy because I wouldn’t “put out” on the first date, then I didn’t want them in my life anyways. I only went out on dates with guys I WANTED to go out with. And while it was frustrating to still end up with nobody for awhile, I felt better about myself in general and didn’t lose respect for myself, or feel needy or insecure.

    And it works in my relationship, too. to a degree. I don’t ask my boyfriend’s permission to do stuff, I just do it. Same with him. Now, if there’s events where we want the other person to be there, of course we ask each other, that’s a given. But I’m not tied to him, nor him to me.

    It was really liberating when I realized that guys do what they want, so if they can, then I can too.

  17. 77
    Christine

    @ Karl 74
    Yes, I have a “script”. It’s mainly guidelines for myself and what I want and need. Dating is a “getting to know” period, so I don’t expect men to comply to any “script” right off the bat. And I think guys would have and should have the same for me. It involves things I’m looking for including intimacy, commitment, consistency, balance, progression, and shared values, plus love, care, trust, and respect. I in no terms expect to find a “perfect” man, nor do I expect to be the “perfect” woman. But I do need these basic components of a healthy relationship. Seeking these things does work for me when I leave fear and other “baggage” out of the getting-to-know-each-other stage. I end up with men that are available for a long-term relationship. And it’s been a hard thing to do…I’m a recovering “unavailable man” addict! And being alone works for me too. It’s lonely and scary, but gives me a chance to work on myself and the things that would make me a better partner.

    I have been dating a man that initially, for the first 4 weeks showed consistency, intimacy, care and some shared values. We like each other and spending time together and we both kept it fun and upbeat. I initiated all the communications this week, all positive and uncomplicated. But for whatever reason, he went AWOL this last week but maintained enough contact to keep me as an “option”. I’ve progressed a bit in my personal development and have been able to avoid asking myself “what’s wrong with me?” or “what did I do wrong?” Knowing what I do about him, I just think he’s not ready to move to the next step. I’ve done the FWB and not interested in that right now. So when he expressed that he was “busy” this weekend and that maybe we should try to get together next week (when it was convenient for him), I just mirrored back to him, made my plans and said I was busy next week too. No blaming or prodding or pleading. If he’s really into me he’ll let me know through his actions (making more of a concrete effort to see me). If not, I haven’t invested too much emotional time or energy and can make myself available to someone who is ready to move to the next step.

    I understand what Emily has expressed. The sensitivity, the fears and the freaking out. I’ve done that too. But the sensitivity and fear and bad feelings could be a real red flag to herself that something is wrong and not in alignment with her values. Or it could just be a sign she does need to do what Evan talks about and sit back and give the guys some time, whatever time frame she is comfortable with. I don’t pretend to know. But dating and love should feel good and relationships should evolve comfortably and happily for both.

  18. 78
    Leesa

    i guess i’m a recovering “unavailable man” addict too christine. heather, i would pay damn good money to be a fly on the wall of my ex-husband’s new marriage. and i’d pay even more money to be a fly on the wall of that heartbreaker’s now one year relationship with the women he left me for. i wonder if they are better men with these new women because these new women are better women than i apparently was to them. my mum says that it was them and not me (as she saw their behaviour first hand in both cases) but i wasn’t perfect and i focus on what i could have done to make the relationships better. although, i think alot of women could relate if i say: no matter what i did, i couldn’t make them happy. no matter if i did what i wanted, or did what they wanted. but i like the thing people said above about mirroring, and doing what we want.

  19. 79
    Kathleen

    I had a really fun enjoyable date with a guy last night however during the evening he said he follows the “3 date rule.” He’s 48 and never been married…hmmmmmm…. I think Im ready to push him away based one this one little disclaimer.

  20. 80
    kdr

    @Kathleen #79,

    What is the “3 date rule”? Is it that if he doesn’t have sex with you by the 3rd date, he’s done?

  21. 81
    Kathleen

    Yes!!!! KDR …Ive never had a guy say that upfront. We were discussing the difference in men and women re dating, and he said he went by the “3 date rule” and didn’t want to waste time. I said that I know many women would say a guy with a 3 date rule would probably split anyway. It ended up feeling like he was giving e an ultimatum when the date was otherwise pleasant.

  22. 82
    David T

    Three dates is way too soon for me, unless there has been lots of non-date interaction (long phone calls, seeing and talking to each other at church, someone you already know well some other way, etc.)

    If I were in your shoes (*) I would tell him, “Hey, I never sleep with anyone until at least X dates, but if you want to go out two more times before you bail, lets, because I enjoy your company.” I have never had occasion to use that line on a woman, but I suppose it could happen. Who knows, I doubt anyone has been that blunt with him before. It might make him look at you differently, but 48 and never married is probably set in his dating patterns.

    That is not a good sign either if marriage is what you want. I bet there is an anti-correlation between people who fall into bed in less than four dates and having long successful marriages.

    (*) I would also be very uncomfortable, unless you wear size 11 mens or larger.

  23. 83
    Kathleen

    Thank you David … I had little contact with him before the first date .and it just seems like an incredibly inept thing to say to a very attractive woman ( his words!) .. who had previously been married for 20 years

  24. 84
    Ruby

    Kathleen

    It doesn’t sound like this man’s rigid expectations for when sex should occur are serving him well. It’s also bad that he is bumbling and immature enough to disclose this to a relative stranger on the first date. Dating doesn’t need to be THAT formulaic.

  25. 85
    Anonymous

    well that is certainly the average High Maintenance Woman for you these days.

  26. 86
    Nattyk

    The best thing to do when you start to freak out is to FEEL THOSE FEELINGS. I’ve experienced lots of different situations with guys. I’ve dated a lot and had LTR. I used to beat myself up for feeling anxiety and then in my most recent experience I cried for 3 days straight because I realised that a guy I was dating wasn’t going to take our relationship to the next step. I was lucky because he was receptive to my openness about my anxiety. I told him about it and he felt bad for being to blame for it, but then I realised that he was a trigger, but the feelings were not anything to do with him. They were a hangover from the past. Emotional wounds. I let myself feel these feelings properly, I didn’t beat myself up or blame anyone and after they left I was fine. I was better than fine, I felt like the wound had healed. Me and that guy meet up and chatted and are now mates. I liked him, but actually I couldn’t see a long term future with him. I was just opening an old wound of rejection and abandonment. 
    I think I was lucky to have a mature guy to helped me with this, despite him being the trigger, but my advice would be that if you feel highly anxious, wanna tell them about themselves, write a strongly worded email or get crazy then tell yourself that you are being triggered. That an old wound is opening and that these feelings are not necessarily about the current situation. Try not to communicate this to the guy, but if you do, hey don’t feel bad. You might come out as a crazy gal, but thats what you did. They couldn’t handle your anxiety. As long as you feel your feelings and recognise where they come from, next time you probably won’t feel the need to act that way. The issues arise when we don’t allow ourselves to feel these feelings properly, because we think that feeling them is wrong. It isn’t!
    I meet my current BF not too long after this experience. I have had no issues so far after 4 months. Perhaps once I healed that specific wound, I opened myself up to meeting someone of quality. 

  27. 87
    J

    Nattyk#86- love your post!! So true about letting the feelings out, ideally in private, or you’ll never get past them. It’s a little scary but totally worth it!

  28. 88
    judy

    Yes, I can identify with her feelings.  Very easily.  But maybe, just maybe, your instincts are right.  If they are, what the hell.
    If they’re not, oh dear.  Generally, I write down what I think for myself – including obscenities, etc but don’t mail it.  If he’s a decent man, he should be contacting you.
    If he doesn’t, well at least you haven’t made yourself look ridiculous TO YOURSELF.
    Dignified silence (even if you feel like sending him a rude text, or email) leaves the door open.
    Rude texts or emails close the door.

  29. 89
    men are dumb anyway

    ‘oral sex’ Really. That’s it. That is really depressing. I never want to get married and be reduced to a whore on her knees to wait how did you put it….’make his life happier and easier.

    1. 89.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Yes, “Men are dumb”, a wife giving pleasure to her husband is definitely the same as a woman who is getting paid to have sex with strangers.

      Why should any man try to please you if it’s “depressing” to try to please someone else? Why would any man choose a partner who views sex that way? Why would any man commit himself to a woman who believes “men are dumb”?

  30. 90
    Caribana

    Well okay – why are these chicks messaging the guys anyway?  How do I know what a guy is thinking?  I never call, e-mail or message guys.  If they continue to be interested, they continue doing these things.  I return missed calls (sometimes).

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