My Live-In Boyfriend Doesn’t Contribute Equally To Our Joint Expenses, And I’m Starting To Resent Him

My Live-In Boyfriend Doesn’t Contribute Equally To Our Joint Expenses

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. We’ve decided to rent a place together. We have been living together for 4 months. He rented a room in a house previously and I rented a small house with my two children. Now we are renting a small house together. With his child support, truck payment, etc…. it leaves him only $600 to contribute to the household. That leaves me to contribute the rest, which is about $3000. That is just rent, food, utilities. I work two jobs and he works one. He says he wants to help but is unable. He is trying to find some extra jobs, on the side, but not very hard. He doesn’t cook or clean either. He is the nicest, most wonderful man I know. He treats me nice, he never expects anything from me. I am starting to resent him though. I don’t know if I am right or wrong to feel resentful. Even if he made more money he says he won’t pay half because, in all fairness, I get child support and he shouldn’t have to pay half. He says he will pay a third. I can’t help feeling he is treating me like a roommate and not his woman. If he is a real man shouldn’t he want to work together to build a life? He tells me everyday how much he loves me, he brings me flowers when he can. He never yells at me or criticizes me. Should I just keep paying and just let him pay what he can? He never goes out or spends foolishly on himself. He really doesn’t have enough.

Money is a big topic on this blog.

We’ve talked about how some women take advantage of good-hearted low-earning boyfriends.

We’ve talked about how some women expect men to make more money, even if they make a good living independently.

We’ve talked about how some women refuse to even reach for a check.

These are all arguments I’ve made for equality. In this day and age, with women earning more college degrees and masters degrees, it’s anachronistic to expect men to ALWAYS pay and ALWAYS earn more.

But Lisa’s question really cuts to the heart of women’s issues around money. What happens if you’re dating a man without skills, without ambition, and without the desire to be a better provider?

This is not about who earns more. This is about two things: what’s fair and what you’re comfortable with.

This is my client’s worst nightmare – even though I can’t see any of my clients dating a man with a truck payment and $600 to spare each month. So let me begin, Lisa, by expressing my admiration and sympathy to you. You fell in love with a man based on what’s in his heart and not in his wallet, and that says a lot about your character.

The question is whether it’s enough.

My answer to you will be a gender-blind one, because that’s the way we need to begin to look at financial issues. This is not about who earns more. This is about two things: what’s fair and what you’re comfortable with.

Objectively, this arrangement isn’t fair. But then, in a gender-blind society, who said things had to be fair? I made about four times what my wife made when we met. Would it have been fair for me to ask her to split our rent in half? No, it would not. We split it based on our means to pay. I could have resented the fact that I made four times more than her, but I chose not to. I wasn’t with her for her money or ability to split costs. I was with her because of how I felt in her presence.

These days, my wife doesn’t work at all. She stays at home with the kids, goes to Mommy and Me classes, swimming classes, MyGym and Disneyland, all of which I pay for. Do I resent her? Not one bit. This is what she wants to do, and I’m fortunate to have the means to allow her to do it. This is the bargain we struck as a couple. This is the bargain any woman can strike with a man, as long as she doesn’t resent him for earning less or being a stay at home dad.

I’m guessing every reader here had the same initial reaction to your email, “Lisa, you poor girl! Dump him!” I can see where that impulse comes from, but I don’t think it’s acknowledging your deep feelings for your boyfriend. You’ve spent two years with him. You say that he’s the “nicest, most wonderful man” you know.

In order to salvage this relationship, a few things have to happen.

First, you need to have an authentic conversation with him. You need to start by acknowledging how much you love and appreciate him. Then you need to acknowledge that you’ve been feeling a little bit of resentment. You’re not proud of it, but you’re owning it.

Next, you can break it down for him. You contribute five times more to the household than he does, even though you only make X dollars more. Even though you appreciate his pre-existing payments, that’s imbalanced and is a serious burden for you to carry alone. Get his acknowledgement of this fact.

What you’d like to do is sit down and do a budget of how much each of you makes and would like to pay the rent and bills proportionately, whatever that means. This would include how much money you make from child support and would exclude how much he pays in child support. We’re talking about take home pay only.

There’s nothing wrong with marrying a poor guy if you have the means to support him. There IS something wrong with marrying a poor guy who doesn’t have a sense of fairness and appreciation for your efforts.

If it still comes out to $600 for him and $3000 for you, you can suggest a work around. He can sell his truck and buy something cheaper, if that’s possible. You can go to Mint.com and look at how to better balance your budget. But the one thing that is going to have to change is how much he contributes to the household in non-monetary ways. He’s gotta do 50% of the cooking and 50% of the cleaning at a bare minimum to ease your burden as the primary breadwinner.

Make it clear that you don’t resent him because he makes less than you. Not everyone can have a high paying job. The reason this feeling is building up inside is that you feel taken for granted. And if the roles were reversed and he was paying $3000/month AND doing all the cooking and cleaning, he’d probably feel resentful, too, no?

His reaction to this conversation will tell you whether you have a relationship worth preserving. There’s nothing wrong with marrying a poor guy if you have the means to support him. There IS something wrong with marrying a poor guy who doesn’t have a sense of fairness and appreciation for your efforts.

Please come back and let us know how that conversation goes.

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Comments:

  1. 31
    Ruby

    The OP wrote: “With his child support, truck payment, etc…. it leaves him only $600 to contribute to the household. That leaves me to contribute the rest, which is about $3000. That is just rent, food, utilities”
     
    The $3600 isn’t just rent, it also includes food and utilities. If the rent is around $2000/month (easy in a decent neighborhood in a large urban area), that leaves $1600 for food and utilities. The food bill could be around $600/month or more for two (hard to divide that when there are her two children in the mix, not to mention food for his kids if they are visiting dad). That leaves $1000/month for utilities, which may not be all that high if you are including heat, phone, electricity, cable, water.
     
    Frimmel #28 rote:, “I suggest it is part of the alpha attitude that made him attractive to her in the first place. Doing more of the chores will likely make her lose even more respect for him and since it likely means more care for another man’s kids. Well, we can see the lack of motivation once again.”
     
    This man doesn’t sound alpha at all. No, she wants him to do his share around the house. She’s losing respect for him because he doesn’t do anything. She writes that he is “trying to find some extra jobs on the side, but not very hard.” Doesn’t sound like a driven, alpha-type to me.
     
    In my estimation, this woman doesn’t have 2 jobs, she has 3 – managing the entire household being the third one. Do people still believe that managing a household with 2 adults and 2 children is not a full-time job?

  2. 32
    Ruby

    Also, the food bill may be a lot higher if the OP doesn’t have much time to cook and they are eating out a lot. And we don’t know how much child support she actually gets, or if they have other expenses like health insurance or mediical bills.

  3. 33
    Goldie

    Guys I know that $3600 is food, rent and utilities all together. It’s still high in my opinion. Sorry I should’ve been more detailed in my comment.

  4. 34
    Goldie

    Have to add this in response to Selena:
     
    “Why should he have to support her kids (by paying more in rent/utilities/food) ? She’s not helping to support his.”
     
    Actually, if he couldn’t live alone on $600/month, this means she is indirectly helping him support his. The fact that he lives partially on her money, is what allows him to give his money to his children. So yeah, she’s helping. Not that I see anything wrong with it, I am a big believer in working as a team and helping each other out.

  5. 35
    Marie

    This guy is already splitting a lot of hairs, even including allocating future money he doesn’t yet have or wants to earn, saying he wouldn’t pay anyways.  No matter how “nice” he is, doesn’t sound like he’s ready for the responsibility of seriously dating a woman with kids.  Too many disclaimers he’s putting out there.  I’d have a serious discussion with him about the breakdown of the chores and finances and if he continues to make excuses he’s probably not a good match for you.

  6. 36
    Frimmel

    Ruby in #32 re: Alpha
     
    Alpha isn’t just entrepreneurial go getter stuff. “I don’t do dishes” is alpha because it is a cocky, I’m too important to do the dishes thing. Women like guys who they perceive to have higher status. Women also want to tame the bad boy. Yeah, yeah, NAWALT.
     
    An attitude of the housework being beneath him will be attractive to many women both as a status perception and as a tame the bad boy challenge. Hence Alpha. As soon as he caves and does the dishes he’s lost both his higher status and bad boy to tame allure. (Hypothetically of course, as I’m not privy to all the details.)
     
    To get away from “game” talk. To me they seem to me to want the life they had before splitting with their children’s other parent but unwilling to face the reality that they can’t. Neither of these people took a hard look at why their prior relationships went wrong and appear to be repeating many of those habits and mistakes.
     
    I suspect that no amount of doing the chores will correct this because chipping in with the housework isn’t the real problem.

  7. 37
    Goldie

    #37: “An attitude of the housework being beneath him will be attractive to many women”
     
    WOW. I truly learn something new every day. There’s nothing that irritates me so much, and so fast, as the sight of a man, who is supposed to be my partner, sitting on his arse and taking it easy while I work around the house to feed and clothe him, a grown man. Am I the only woman who feels that way? Can’t be, since someone on this thread has already compared this situation to feeling like you have one more child on your hands. Which is exactly how this makes me feel. Pretty far from seeing that man as an Alpha, no?

  8. 38
    Selena

    @Goldie
     
    Most of the commenters also think it’s high – and part of the reason their split looks so one sided.
     
    I wonder what her monthly rent/utility/food bill was prior to them getting a place together. Between her 2 jobs and her CS was she affording something similar? Or did she think with another income (his) would enable them to rent in a better neighborhood?
     
    She writes: Even if he made more money he says he won’t pay half because, in all fairness, I get child support and he shouldn’t have to pay half. He says he will pay a third. I can’t help feeling he is treating me like a roommate and not his woman. If he is a real man shouldn’t he want to work together to build a life?
     
    I see this as her definition of a “real man” is one who pays the bills for her AND her kids. Despite her getting child support from their father.  And I can see why he wouldn’t want to do that on top of supporting his own kids.

  9. 39
    Selena

    @Goldie #35
     
    Apparently he was able to support himself on $600 a month when he was renting a room before they moved in together. Now, yeah, it looks like she is carrying him for an extra $300. Which is why *I* think he needs to get another source of income, or they both need to make sacrifices for a more realistic budget.

  10. 40
    Selena

    My guess is that she would like him to do more around the house, but the real problem is his small contribution towards expenses compared to hers. Even if he did ALL the cleaning and most of the cooking she wouldn’t see him as a “real man” without the $$$.

  11. 41
    Frimmel

    Goldie in number 38
     
    You’re making a mistake that many of the people trying to understand “game” make. Not doing the dishes isn’t the thing or the game or the key to this. It is the attitude about not doing the dishes. Omegas break the rules because they are inadequate, alphas break the rules because the rules are his bitch.
     
    So on the one hand you could be right this is not alpha, the guy isn’t cleaning up because he’s inadequate i.e. not paying enough of the bills. And oh look now she’s not interested.
     
    But I also bet he never did dishes or cleaned up when he was just visiting either and she let him move in.
     
     

  12. 42
    Peter 51

    About two years ago, I employed a “recovering” heroin addict under a government sponsored Back to Work scheme.  In the UK , addicts are treated as ill and receive disability benefit (about minimum wage).  As part of his back to work incentive, he was paid an ‘average’ wage of £24,000 a year, about twice minimum and by no means average outside London.  Where we live, the median is about 16,000.  His exit from heroin and his return to employed status greatly distressed his girlfriend. She obviously felt very insecure that he now had options.  Her work as a nursery nurse did not pay well but she controlled their households (dual because the social security system penalizes living together and especially marriage – which they wanted but couldn’t afford the drop in benefits).
    Perhaps this situation is similar.  This is a man who is, by virtue of his looks and social connections, desirable.  While he is poor and domestically dependent, the OP (what does that stand for?) is in control of a desirable man.  If he actually achieved enough income and domestic skill to be a real contributor, she could lose him.  He meanwhile can live off his charm and looks.  Leader of the male hunting group he ain’t but they don’t get the girls anyway.  Too dominant.
    BTW, with 8 weeks to go to the end of his work practice, I set him up with a small sales business for one of my clients.  He preferred to relapse into heroin.  It paid better; involved no work and his girlfriend preferred it to losing his company and having him stressed by work.

  13. 43
    Paula

    I think I agree with those saying he should be paying 1/4. If she is getting child support, that money is money covering the rent for the children. She then is working to pay for herself. Now I’m not sure if the child support is enough to cover the living expenses.
     
    I think the advice by Evan was good but I think in this case, this guy is a bit of a mooch. He should be paying $900. I think though they need to downsize as this seems too expensive. He’d be better off living on his own if he had to pay $900. I had a 1 bedroom in Toronto for $750.

  14. 44
    Karl T

    I haven’t had to comment in this section because I actually agree 100% with Selena.  Matter of fact, I would have used some identical sentences.  Maybe the guy is guilty of being lazy with household chores, but I agree 100% with exactly what Selena says regarding payment.  
    JoeSavant, the guy sounds like a leech to you?  The woman sounds like a leech to me.  Why would she want him to pay 50% to cover her kids when the guy is dishing out money for his own kids and she is receiving money for her kids.  

  15. 45
    Chance

    Ruby said (#1):

    “In this day and age, the “nicest, most wonderful man” should be able to lift a finger around the house once in awhile. The woman works two jobs, takes care of two kids, and this nice guy expects his girlfriend to do all the cooking and housework too?”

    Goldie said (#4):

    “Why is he not pulling his weight around the house, especially if he only works one job and you work two?”

    She said that he doesn’t cook or clean, and you two (along with many others, to be fair) jumped to the conclusion that he doesn’t do any work around the house.  There are many things that need to be done around the household that don’t involve cooking or cleaning:  yardwork, working on the cars/keeping them maintained, building/repairing things, running errands, etc.  We simply don’t have enough information regarding their situation to make an informed judgment call on who does how much around the household.  Also, we don’t know how many hours each of them are working.  For example, she could be working two 20-hour/week jobs, and he could be working one 60-hour/week job for all we know.  If they were working equal hours, and he did much less around the household, then yes, that would be unfair.  However, we just don’t really know.

    Goldie said (#4):

    “What is that supposed to mean? You get child support because you have children under 18 living with you, who probably cost you a lot more than you ever get in child support. It’s not just some free money that you receive for no reason. He should pay proportionally to what you both have, and not worry about where your money came from. How is that “in all fairness”? There’s nothing fair about this statement of his. It sounds to me like this man, nice as he is, is not pulling his weight around the house. This is why you feel resentful, not because he has less money. I suggest you two sit down and talk about how he can contribute more in non-monetary ways (since he really and truly doesn’t have the money).”

    It means that she has money coming from another household to help support her (their) household, and he has money coming out of his (their) household to pay for another person’s household.  We have no idea how much money is coming or leaving because it’s not disclosed, but it could very well be a wash, or she could be getting a lot more.  Who knows?  If you add back what he has to pay in child support to his income, or (not and) subtract what she receives from the $3,000 in expenses, the situation could very well be much more fair (depending on the amounts).  Again, we just don’t know.

    Goldie said (#9):

    “But, if it is that big of a deal to him, then he could’ve said, when they were discussing finances prior to moving in together, Honey you spend X dollars a month on your children. I’m not their dad and I don’t want any part of these expenses. Let’s divvy up the rest, but your kids are your responsibility. He could even go into details and split up the electric bill, gas bill, water bill… What I’m saying is, he should’ve said what was on his mind before they moved in together. Then she would’ve had a choice to decide NOT to move in together, because of what he said. But no, he’s surprising her with this stuff now, when she cannot back out.

    How do you know that he didn’t say those things before they moved in?  The letter doesn’t speak to that.  How do you know he’s “surprising” her with this stuff now?  The letter doesn’t speak to that either.  For all we know, she could have agreed to a similar arrangement as the one you described, and she is now feeling resentful about it anyway.

    Goldie said (#30):

    “The silly idealistic me assumed that the man had agreed to move in with the LW and her kids. That he had accepted them at least in some capacity, otherwise he wouldn’t have agreed to move in? “

    Here’s one thing you’re right about.  You did assume.  In fact, you’ve done a whole lot of assuming on this thread.

    Selena said (#31):
     
     
    “It kinda sounds to me like she wants him to pay 50%, (as if he were her kids father living with them)  but that’s not really fair to him. Especially since it appears a considerable amount of his income is already going for child support as it is.”

    Spot on.

  16. 46
    Julia

    @Frimmel
     
    You’re making a mistake that many of the people trying to understand “game” make. Not doing the dishes isn’t the thing or the game or the key to this. It is the attitude about not doing the dishes. Omegas break the rules because they are inadequate, alphas break the rules because the rules are his bitch.
     
    yawn. Game? Seriously, if I ever met a man who spoke this way I would laugh at him. Jesus Christ.
     
    And for the record, a man who doesn’t offer to help looks like a douche, not like a man to be tamed. I am looking for a fully developed adult male, not some puppy.

  17. 47
    Ruby

    Chance
     
    “There are many things that need to be done around the household that don’t involve cooking or cleaning:  yardwork, working on the cars/keeping them maintained, building/repairing things, running errands, etc. ”
     
    I know, cooking and cleaning is women’s work, and men should only have to work in the yard and build or repair things. First off, I would consider “yardwork” part of “cleaning”. Lisa doesn’t mention her boyfriend being much of a handyman. If they rent the house, I’m not sure that they have to take on their own home repairs. Nice try, though.

  18. 48
    marymary

    cooking is not a woman’s job or we’d have starved!

  19. 49
    Clare

    Frimmel #37
     
    “Alpha isn’t just entrepreneurial go getter stuff. “I don’t do dishes” is alpha because it is a cocky, I’m too important to do the dishes thing. Women like guys who they perceive to have higher status. Women also want to tame the bad boy. Yeah, yeah, NAWALT.
     
    An attitude of the housework being beneath him will be attractive to many women both as a status perception and as a tame the bad boy challenge. Hence Alpha. As soon as he caves and does the dishes he’s lost both his higher status and bad boy to tame allure. (Hypothetically of course, as I’m not privy to all the details.)”
    Oh my goodness, I’ve never heard of anything so silly.  That’s ridiculous! That’s not a man, that is a little boy :)

  20. 50
    Selena

    Goldie #9:   What I’m saying is, he should’ve said what was on his mind before they moved in together. Then she would’ve had a choice to decide NOT to move in together, because of what he said. But no, he’s surprising her with this stuff now, when she cannot back out.
     
    Chance #46:  How do you know he’s “surprising” her with this stuff now?  The letter doesn’t speak to that either.  For all we know, she could have agreed to a similar arrangement as the one you described, and she is now feeling resentful about it anyway.
     
    This couple has been together for 2 years. She knew he was renting a room prior to them living together while she was renting a small house.  It seems unlikely she wouldn’t know about his child support, his truck payment, and how little he actually had to put toward household expenses. I don’t believe she was ‘surprised’.  She knew how much money they both had to work with.
     
    I do think he may have lead her to believe he would be bringing in extra money through side jobs though, and according to her, he hasn’t looked very hard to find those.  THIS may be part of the reason she is starting to resent him.  She believed he would be contributing more than $600, but after 4 mos. he doesn’t seem super motivated to do that.
     
    But since she also resents the idea that he is only willing to pay up to a third of the expenses…one wonders how much of a discussion they actually did have before they went house hunting.  He may be equally surprised by her expectations as she is with his.

  21. 51
    Nicole W

    Sorry, he has to go! She is working TWO jobs in order to keep the house going, and he refuses to do the same. It doesn’t matter whose kids live with them. If they are going to have a life together as a couple, they are both responsible for the care of ALL the kids (his too). I would take all the monthly obligations and divide them in half. If he can’t pay half, Adios! This is why I won’t date a man that makes significantly less than me. It is very likely you will end up feeling resentful if you have to take care of someone else. If you are earning 100K +, it’s probably not so difficult to do that. But when you are struggling, the resentment builds up pretty fast. 

  22. 52
    Chance

    @Ruby

     

      “I know, cooking and cleaning is women’s work, and men should only have to work in the yard and build or repair things.”
     
    You said that.  Not me.  More conjecture on your part.
     
     
    “First off, I would consider “yardwork” part of “cleaning”.”
     
    Interesting.  I suppose that’s possible.  I guess when my mom would ask me to help clean and mow the lawn when I was a kid, she was being repetitive.  
     
     
    “Lisa doesn’t mention her boyfriend being much of a handyman.”
     
    You’re right, she didn’t.  Actually, she didn’t mention a lot of things, but that didn’t stop you from making assumptions.
     
     
    “If they rent the house, I’m not sure that they have to take on their own home repairs. Nice try, though.”
     
    Now that’s a good point.  However, there are repairs, heavy lifting, and such to be done around the house that don’t involve making repairs to the house.  Not trying to split hairs, my point is we simply don’t have all the facts.

  23. 53
    Julia

    @Chance
    Now that’s a good point.  However, there are repairs, heavy lifting, and such to be done around the house that don’t involve making repairs to the house.
     
    Hmm, way to be obtuse. I am both a woman and a person who rents a house. I can go like months without having to lift something heavy, basically until I move and then I pay someone to do it for me. But nice try. There is also a possibility that there is no yard, some people don’t live in places where there are yards so for the sake of argument, when she says cleaning she means the inside of the house that everyone needs to clean on a very regular basis. Not just dishes, mopping, vacuuming, cleaning the bathroom, cleaning the kitchen, dusting, polishing, etc.

  24. 54
    Marie

    How often per week does the average household need cooking and cleaning vs yardwork, car care, and handy repair around the house?  Depends on the couple but I would say on average for us anyways I cook and clean daily or almost everyday, twice a day on weekends whereas more “manly” work is weekly or monthly at best.  Admittedly we don’t have an old car, much of a yard, or things breaking down all the time but I suspect most people have to cook and clean more often too.  Even though my fiance is a saint compared to a lot of men and helps out, I still do at least 60-70% on top of a very demanding job.  I’m not even sure he knows exactly how much I have to do to keep the household running. As cited on this blog women still do the majority of housework even today.  This is not to take anything away from the more intangible emotional contributions that a man makes to the relationship but regarding sheer housework women do more.  And this is not including childcare. I wish more men would just acknowledge this because it would make us feel more appreciated (while doing the work).  The two major predictors of long term relationship success as Evan is fond of quoting is how much the man is sensitive to the woman’s moods and helps out with the housework and childcare.  Notice the quote is not the other way around.

  25. 55
    Goldie

    If he didn’t cook and clean, but busted his butt working around the house otherwise, we would’ve probably heard of it, no? She wouldn’t be as resentful then?
     
    @Frimmel #42, any man who tries to play games, or “the game”, while living with me and running a household together, would be drop-kicked out of the house along with his things, because this is unacceptable. Either he acts like the partner that he is, or he’s free to get out of my house and go act like a teenage girl with someone else. Sorry, although I’m very easy to get along with, I have zero tolerance for power games and passive-aggressive manipulation, especially when they’re coming from a grown man.
     
    I didn’t, however, get the impression that OP’s boyfriend is playing games and trying to assert his role in the pack. Sounds to me like he’s just going with the flow and doing what feels good to him.
     
    There’s one thing about the letter & thread I’m still confused about. Everyone on here seems to assume that, before moving in with OP, the bf lived on $600/month. I’d say a guy needs maybe $200/month to eat, another $100-$150 for his share of utilities, gas, clothes, etc. Which would’ve left him with $250-300/month for rent. How can it be that, in the same metro area, one can rent a room in a house for $250-300, but a small house would be $2K? Something does not add up here. Either he lived on more than $600 before and has taken up new expenses now (bought the truck??) Or I don’t even know what’s going on here.

  26. 56
    marymary

    When I was breaking up with my cohabiting boyfriend sometime in the last century I took a list to the lawyer, detailing what we’d each spent on the house.  He looked at it and said “people in love don’t do this.”
    No kidding sherlock.

  27. 57
    Ruby

    Chance #53
     
    Come to think of it, tenants don’t typically do their own yardwork either. So that leaves small appliance repairs and heavy lifting. I don’t know about you, but I cook and clean on a daily basis. Small appliance repairs and heavy lifting (so heavy that I’d need a guy to do it for me), almost never.
     
    Goldie #56
     
    <How can it be that, in the same metro area, one can rent a room in a house for $250-300, but a small house would be $2K?>
     
    It does seem low to me too, but in a large metro area, his room could have been in a bad neighborhood with cheap rents, while their house is in a much nicer one with better schools. But yeah, maybe the truck payment is new.
     
     

  28. 58
    starthrower68

    I always find it fascinating how people get together with other people who have kids, then resent the burden of the kids.  If you don’t want to deal with someone else’s kids financially, personally, or otherwise don’t pick someone with kids.  You know going in there are children involved; they don’t just pop up out of the Lorna Doone box as some surprise your bf or gf sprung on you once you got together.  

  29. 59
    marymary

    starthrower
    People think they can deal with it, then when it comes down to it (no more lazy weekends, constantly having to buy and preare food  -kids seem to eat all the time -, the mess, the noise, the change to your sleep patterns, your holidays), the expense. they realise it’s a lot.  Oftentimes they just don’t realise how exhausting children are, even the angelic ones, which most children aren’t. You think about them all the time.  Are they hungry, bored, tired? Are they going to fall in the river?   Where are they? What are they doing?
    And I like children.
    On the plus side, you do have less time to think about the meaning of life. You just get on with it.

  30. 60
    josavant

    59 starthrower, to be fair to the OP’s guy, he may not be resentful of her kids. He just says he shouldn’t pay for the part of the household that is their cost. That’s reasonable. But, he should find a way that he can pay for a third of the rent like he said he would (might mean finding another job) and should also cook and clean at least an equal share while he’s contributing much less.
     
    60 marymary, I’d rather think about the meaning of life than worry about kids falling into a river. Even if you don’t have kids, there isn’t much time to think about the meaning of life. Depends how busy one is I guess.

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