My Live-In Boyfriend Doesn’t Contribute Equally To Our Joint Expenses, And I’m Starting To Resent Him

My Live-In Boyfriend Doesn’t Contribute Equally To Our Joint Expenses

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. We’ve decided to rent a place together. We have been living together for 4 months. He rented a room in a house previously and I rented a small house with my two children. Now we are renting a small house together. With his child support, truck payment, etc…. it leaves him only $600 to contribute to the household. That leaves me to contribute the rest, which is about $3000. That is just rent, food, utilities. I work two jobs and he works one. He says he wants to help but is unable. He is trying to find some extra jobs, on the side, but not very hard. He doesn’t cook or clean either. He is the nicest, most wonderful man I know. He treats me nice, he never expects anything from me. I am starting to resent him though. I don’t know if I am right or wrong to feel resentful. Even if he made more money he says he won’t pay half because, in all fairness, I get child support and he shouldn’t have to pay half. He says he will pay a third. I can’t help feeling he is treating me like a roommate and not his woman. If he is a real man shouldn’t he want to work together to build a life? He tells me everyday how much he loves me, he brings me flowers when he can. He never yells at me or criticizes me. Should I just keep paying and just let him pay what he can? He never goes out or spends foolishly on himself. He really doesn’t have enough.

Money is a big topic on this blog.

We’ve talked about how some women take advantage of good-hearted low-earning boyfriends.

We’ve talked about how some women expect men to make more money, even if they make a good living independently.

We’ve talked about how some women refuse to even reach for a check.

These are all arguments I’ve made for equality. In this day and age, with women earning more college degrees and masters degrees, it’s anachronistic to expect men to ALWAYS pay and ALWAYS earn more.

But Lisa’s question really cuts to the heart of women’s issues around money. What happens if you’re dating a man without skills, without ambition, and without the desire to be a better provider?

This is not about who earns more. This is about two things: what’s fair and what you’re comfortable with.

This is my client’s worst nightmare – even though I can’t see any of my clients dating a man with a truck payment and $600 to spare each month. So let me begin, Lisa, by expressing my admiration and sympathy to you. You fell in love with a man based on what’s in his heart and not in his wallet, and that says a lot about your character.

The question is whether it’s enough.

My answer to you will be a gender-blind one, because that’s the way we need to begin to look at financial issues. This is not about who earns more. This is about two things: what’s fair and what you’re comfortable with.

Objectively, this arrangement isn’t fair. But then, in a gender-blind society, who said things had to be fair? I made about four times what my wife made when we met. Would it have been fair for me to ask her to split our rent in half? No, it would not. We split it based on our means to pay. I could have resented the fact that I made four times more than her, but I chose not to. I wasn’t with her for her money or ability to split costs. I was with her because of how I felt in her presence.

These days, my wife doesn’t work at all. She stays at home with the kids, goes to Mommy and Me classes, swimming classes, MyGym and Disneyland, all of which I pay for. Do I resent her? Not one bit. This is what she wants to do, and I’m fortunate to have the means to allow her to do it. This is the bargain we struck as a couple. This is the bargain any woman can strike with a man, as long as she doesn’t resent him for earning less or being a stay at home dad.

I’m guessing every reader here had the same initial reaction to your email, “Lisa, you poor girl! Dump him!” I can see where that impulse comes from, but I don’t think it’s acknowledging your deep feelings for your boyfriend. You’ve spent two years with him. You say that he’s the “nicest, most wonderful man” you know.

In order to salvage this relationship, a few things have to happen.

First, you need to have an authentic conversation with him. You need to start by acknowledging how much you love and appreciate him. Then you need to acknowledge that you’ve been feeling a little bit of resentment. You’re not proud of it, but you’re owning it.

Next, you can break it down for him. You contribute five times more to the household than he does, even though you only make X dollars more. Even though you appreciate his pre-existing payments, that’s imbalanced and is a serious burden for you to carry alone. Get his acknowledgement of this fact.

What you’d like to do is sit down and do a budget of how much each of you makes and would like to pay the rent and bills proportionately, whatever that means. This would include how much money you make from child support and would exclude how much he pays in child support. We’re talking about take home pay only.

There’s nothing wrong with marrying a poor guy if you have the means to support him. There IS something wrong with marrying a poor guy who doesn’t have a sense of fairness and appreciation for your efforts.

If it still comes out to $600 for him and $3000 for you, you can suggest a work around. He can sell his truck and buy something cheaper, if that’s possible. You can go to and look at how to better balance your budget. But the one thing that is going to have to change is how much he contributes to the household in non-monetary ways. He’s gotta do 50% of the cooking and 50% of the cleaning at a bare minimum to ease your burden as the primary breadwinner.

Make it clear that you don’t resent him because he makes less than you. Not everyone can have a high paying job. The reason this feeling is building up inside is that you feel taken for granted. And if the roles were reversed and he was paying $3000/month AND doing all the cooking and cleaning, he’d probably feel resentful, too, no?

His reaction to this conversation will tell you whether you have a relationship worth preserving. There’s nothing wrong with marrying a poor guy if you have the means to support him. There IS something wrong with marrying a poor guy who doesn’t have a sense of fairness and appreciation for your efforts.

Please come back and let us know how that conversation goes.

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  1. 91

    If you are happy with it, that’s the main thing.  Your children already have a father and, as they are older, they may not feel the need for another “at home”.
    The cleaning, cooking, laundry etc is a difficult one to navigate.  I do know a woman whose husband does everything, and I mean everythng. He’s not a househusband as such, he has a job. But more typical is the raft of women who complain that their other half does nothing to very little. 
    the problem is – now that the finances are resolved, are chores the next on the ticklist?   My boyfriend does quite a lot of chores even though we don’t live together.  He was brought up that way from a young age. It had nothing to do with me. Has any woman ever turned round a grown man I wonder?

  2. 92

    As someone who’s lived alone, lived with kids, lived with a partner with and without kids, I have found I usually end up spending twice as much on groceries when I live with a guy as I do when it’s just me.  Not only because a guy requires twice as many calories, but because I would make bigger dinners, use more meat, than when it was just me, or me and my child. I liked “taking care of my man” in that way. So I’m not surprised if you are spending more on food now that you are co-habitating, than either of you spent when you lived apart.
    Anecdote: At one time I had a live-in partner and I was spending around $80 a week on groceries for the two of us. He would give me $40. After awhile I got irritated because he was eating 3 times the food I was. (I’m petite). Pointing this out didn’t have much of an impact – he didn’t see it because he ate out during the day when he worked. And he worked 6 days a week.
    What I decided was to stop cooking a meal every night. One day I went around to 10 local restaurants and picked up take-out menus. Then 3 times a week I’d ask him what he wanted to pick up for dinner on his way home – we’d discuss several possibilities. It’s funny but it turns out he didn’t like giving me money, but he had no problem buying my dinner. Even though it was more expensive!  Go figure. 🙂
    Anyway, I’m glad you and your guy found a proportional split that works for both of you. Especially given all the negativity in this thread.

  3. 93

    Re: laundry
    Am I the only one who was raised in a house where everyone did their own laundry? My mother did hers (and ours when we were small) my father did his, they split the towels/sheets. At about 10 both my brother and myself started doing their own. All my friend’s do all the laundry in their houses and complain non-stop. I full expect that an adult male can wash his own clothes so it baffles me that some of them don’t….

  4. 94

    @Julia #94
    Agree with you on this one also. Kids are old enough to do their own laundry.  BF could do his on his day off – not very taxing to do 1 -2 loads.

  5. 95

    No, you weren’t.  My household was like that.  We typically did our own laundry.  Some women don’t do yardwork, some women don’t cook, some women don’t do a lot of things, but guess what, it doesn’t baffle me.  I just assume that is the arrangement that the couple agreed to.  If one works a lot more than the other, I would expect the other to do more around the house.  Anyone who can’t see the fairness in that isn’t really interested in what’s fair.

  6. 96

    $1600/mo is a lot. Especially since it’s almost half of his take-home pay. He takes care of his kids, good for him.
    Lisa, I too am glad that you two found a solution that works.

  7. 97

    Its fascinating that you know the intimate details of my friend’s marriages. 

  8. 98

    My kids did things on an as needed basis. Like when I was married, I did everyone’s laundry. Basically spent a whole day out of my weekend doing laundry. Then we moved into an apartment. We lived on 6th floor and the laundromat was in the basement. And of course, on evenings and weekends, there were lines out the door for a free washer and dryer. I showed both kids how to do their own laundry, since it was not feasible for me to do everyone’s anymore. When I bought a house, my oldest continued doing his laundry, but my youngest asked me to do it and I did, it wasn’t that big of a deal to me. Then I met my bf and started going away to his place every weekend and meeting up with him during the week. Youngest son had no choice but to do his own laundry, since I was never around. It’s not a hill for me to die on, though. Same with cooking. When I’m home, I cook for everyone. But I’ve been out of the house so much, both kids got into the habit of cooking for themselves and, on occasion, for the whole family. I’d say that in our family, we do things the way it is maximally convenient for everyone, and realistic (ex. I cannot have a hot dinner on the table on Saturday if I leave home on Friday and return on Sunday).
    I do realize that in blended families, there’s more tension around these issues. My kids and I have a very good connection and work together very well as a team. But we’ve known each other for a while. If I met a man and he moved in with us, integrating him into our family life would be a lot more difficult than sharing housework amongst ourselves.

    @ Selena 203,

    Google says it’s either Men’s Rights Activists, or Mountain Rescue Association… my money’s on the first.

  9. 99

    I looked it up too. I’m sure Julia was referencing Men’s Rights Activists. Some amusing definitions on Urban Dictionary.

  10. 100

    Wow. This post (as well as comments) leaves me feeling confused. The fact of cohabitation can be complicated and differs with every situation leaves me wondering if I did the right thing. 
    I have been with my boyfriend for 1.5 years. Before moving in with him 2 months ago, we discussed finances and other responsibilities. We are both in our mid twenties, but he has a full-time job that pays well. In short, he earns more than 5 times the amount that I make. He has a nice luxury car and 3 motorcycles. Currently, I am attending grad school in pursuit of a Ph.D. I also work as a grad assistant, which brings in a little over $1,000/month. 
    He he is wonderful about helping with the chores and groceries. If I ask him to take out the dishes, unload the dishwasher, or vacuum, he does not complain. When we buy groceries, we usually split the cost in half. Having said that, I do have an issue with rent. When we decided how much we would each pay for rent, he decided that we should split the rent down the middle. I objected, as he takes the garage space and I park on the street. We decided that he would pay $100 extra.
    Nearly half of my income goes to rent and utilities. Add $200 to that for groceries, and another $200 for my cell phone and car insurance, and I am left with some gas money and gym payment every month. I hardly buy clothes. I pack my lunch every day. I visit my family 2,400 miles away once or twice a year (I moved out of state for college). I have great health insurance but have no dental coverage, meaning that every time I visit the dentist, my wallet resembles a thin sheet of paper– there’s nothing in it. Sure, I can drop the gym. I can spend less on groceries by purchasing lower quality food. I can use a credit card and pay it back over a few months. But where does that leave me?
    I am living at the poverty level. I have sacrificed many things to be in school, which I don’t regret. When I complain about my finances, the boyfriend kindly reminds me that I chose this route. I agree. But can’t he be a bit more sensitive? On one hand, I feel that he’s right. On the other hand, I feel slighted for some reason. Maybe I’m being a brat. I don’t know. 
    At at the end of the day, I realize that if I were to live alone or even with a roommate, I’d be paying close to the same amount that I do now. I figure I can make it work (as I have in the past, but it’s not easy). 
    The boyfriend has mentioned pursuing a masters degree. Call me cruel, but I chuckle when I envision the day that he will complain about his finances. I will kindly remind him that he chose to attend school and sacrifice a big paycheck 😜 *sigh*

    1. 100.1
      Mrs Happy

      One of the errors women (and men) fall into is using language that suggests they think ALL of the housework is the woman’s to do. If you say “he is wonderful about HELPING with the chores and groceries”, it presumes it is your job to do all the chores and groceries, and any he does, are to help YOU.
      I think it’s better to consider the situation as, these are all the chores that need doing to run this household, which ones should each of us do. Not to assume the chores are all the woman’s, and any the man does, are to help her. Doing the chores is to allow the household to run; to help the household (not her – she is not the house!).
      “If I ask him to take out the dishes, unload the dishwasher, or vacuum, he does not complain.” This sets you up to be the overall organiser, keep tabs on all the chores, divvy them up, do some, ask him to do some, if he doesn’t, nag and nag until he does, which all increases your workload. And this behaviour feeds into the (incorrect) assumption that these are your jobs and he is helping you.
      Assuming equal health and energy, I think HOURS worked is the fair way to split it. So if one partner is in a 50+ hour/week commute and full time job/study, and the other does 30h/w in that, then the latter has the ability to pick up 20 hours of the household tasks, after which they split the remainder equally. And I think time spent caring for children (not plonking them in front of the TV all day, but actually doing work to raise them) is work that should be counted in those initial hours; it is unpaid, but it is work.
      My advice to women: stop implying men are helping YOU when they do household chores.

  11. 101

    Well Angie, at least neither of you have kids! 😉

  12. 102
    Nicole W

    Selena #89
    INITIALLY…this man (I use that term loosely) was paying $600 towards $3000 in monthly expenses WHILE the lady of the home works TWO jobs. He doesn’t lift a finger to cook, clean, or do laundry. He also doesn’t think he should cook or clean up after her kids. He said (Lisa’s quote) “Even if I make more, I will never pay half”. 
    If that sounds fair to you, your sense of fairness is whack! And I know a couple of men that would happily take advantage of you! 
    PRESENTLY…Mr Wonderful has decided to contribute $900 (and towards the $3000 in expenses while the lady of the home continues to work 7 days a week. He still refuses to lift a finger in the home and is not a “family” guy according to Lisa. He also kept true to his word by not giving her more than 1/3 toward the expenses even though he is making a lot more $$. I could be wrong, but I assume he is making more working a 72 hour week, yet he continues to let her work 7 days a week. Nice!
    Even with the new arrangements, he comes across as being stingy and uncaring. Selena, our opinions differ because all of the men I have dated are generous and giving and I am not accustomed to that kind of behavior. I will never settle for that kind of man. More power to those that do. 

  13. 103

    I have to say, I would never, and I mean NEVER, get into a serious relationship with a man where these sorts of in-depth discussions and calculations about money were necessary. I have NEVER had them.
    The men I have been with have all been generous and trusted me never to take advantage, and I have been so in return.  In fact, my ex-husband whom I was married to for 5 years gave me a card with access to his bank account and only asked for it back almost 2 years after we got divorced.  THAT is the kind of relationship I want, not one where each refuses to pay for this and that.
    And I agree with Nicole. If I was living with a man with children, I would definitely not refuse to pay for them.  I wouldn’t expect to pay for bigger expenses for them, but day to day expenses of course I would contribute. For me, it’s part of the “flow” and open-hearted nature of a relationship.

  14. 104

    Nicole, this man gives close to HALF of his take home pay to his kids as child support. That’s generous and giving in my book. My ex gave less than that, per kid, and also said to me that, if I wanted more, he’d fight me in court. I have girlfriends whose exes committed to giving a fraction of that, and then weaseled even out of that commitment, by producing fake income papers with their income showing as much lower than actual.
    Also, if I worked 72 hour weeks, I wouldn’t lift my finger around the house either. I just physically wouldn’t be able to. I do not at all feel like judging this guy after Lisa’s follow up posts. Seems like they’re working together as a team, and he’s doing as much as he can.
    Clare, hmm if you’re saying that you’d never get involved with a man who is open to discussing budget and making mutual decisions on it, then all I can say is, more for me. That’s exactly the kind of man I want. And I wouldn’t be able to sleep through one night knowing that my ex had unlimited access to my finances, that I need to support my children. Unless this ex had somehow earned an incredible amount of my trust, or unless I had most of my money in a different bank account elsewhere.
    “I wouldn’t expect to pay for bigger expenses for them, but day to day expenses of course I would contribute.”
    Sounds like an in-depth discussion about money to me. So you *are* prepared to have one 😉

  15. 105

    Hi Goldie
    Well that’s the thing.  There *was* an incredible amount of trust between me and my ex-husband.  Also in the other significant long term relationship I had.  In both of these relationships, the guys I was with trusted me implicitly with money, and I them.  They knew I would never take advantage and vice versa.  There was a flowing quality to money where generosity and trust were the dominant principles.  That’s just the point I was making 😉 I wouldn’t want to be with someone whom I couldn’t trust implicitly to be generous with me, and I would want them to trust that I would do whatever I could for them if it was in my power in return. By the way, I earned this trust… I am not materialistic nor did I ever take advantage.
    You said:
    “I wouldn’t expect to pay for bigger expenses for them, but day to day expenses of course I would contribute.”
    Sounds like an in-depth discussion about money to me. So you *are* prepared to have one
    No, I wouldn’t have one. I would just pay, if it was within my power to do so.
    I know the arrangement I describe above where he gives freely to me and I give freely to him seems strange to some, because people are so used to holding onto what they’ve got, but I *have* experienced it, and it’s great 🙂

  16. 106

    @ Nicole #103
    He said (Lisa’s quote) “Even if I make more, I will never pay half”. 
    Yes, and Lisa also acknowledged in a later comment that THREE people were contributing to household.
    PRESENTLY…Mr Wonderful has decided to contribute $900 (and towards the $3000 in expenses while the lady of the home continues to work 7 days a week.
    And the lady of the house also acknowledges her two jobs 7 days a week add up to 40 hours. Opposed to his 72 hours per week currently. You must not eat meat or you would know that is a significant monthly contribution. Especially if all 4 of them are meat eaters.
    He also doesn’t think he should cook or clean up after her kids.
    I don’t think he should either. For one, they are 13 and old enough to clean up after themselves.
    Two: if she were interested, their mother could have them help her cook. She’s off work when they get home from school. Plenty of time.
    Three: since he’s gone for 12+ hours (depending on his commute) 6 days a week, it doesn’t sound like he has much time to do anything, but unwind for a couple hours before he has to go to sleep. How much of mess is he making to clean up in that short period of time? And if no one cooks for HIM, he doesn’t complain, he makes himself an egg and toast.  And on his one day off he does the outside work and any repairs needed.
    You think my sense of fairness is whack?  My sense of fairness comes from having a family. From being a single mom, and a partnered mom. A working mom &  partner and a stay-at-home mom & partner. From sometimes receiving child support, and most of the time not. From having a partner who PAID OUT child support and knowing how that can impact not only his finances, but any household he’s a part of. From having a partner who also worked 12+ hours a day, 6 days a week. And it comes from being very modest income – something that teaches you alot about budgeting and priorities among other things.
    I don’t know where your sense of fairness comes from Nicole, but I’m guessing it’s more from fantasy than experience.

  17. 107

    “I know the arrangement I describe above where he gives freely to me and I give freely to him seems strange to some, because people are so used to holding onto what they’ve got”
    People are used to planning and maintaining a budget. Having the money flow freely is awesome when you have an infinite supply of it. When your whole month’s pay can flow out of the window in two weeks if you don’t watch it, that’s when discussions about money come in. My x bf and I gave freely to each other within our means. For example, he’d plan a vacation together and take on most of the travel expenses, but not to the point where he wouldn’t have any money left to pay rent. I’d contribute some of the money upfront and share some of the expenses during the vacation, but not to the point where I cannot pay my son’s college bills. And so on. And I haven’t even gotten into things like saving for retirement, that also need to be budgeted for. This is why people have discussions about money. Not because they’re greedy and stingy.

  18. 108

    Hi Goldie
    I never said such people were greedy or stingy, nor did I mean to imply it.
    And I meant give freely to each other within your means. I most certainly did not have an infinite supply of it.
    There was nothing negative meant in my comment, please don’t try to find such.

  19. 109

    I’m not trying to find anything. I’m just trying to explain why people seem like they want to like you said, “hold on to what they’ve got”. I have to admit I have never in my life seen a family where no one budgets, no one ever discusses money, everyone gives freely and it all somehow works, meaning all their bills are paid on time and their expenses do not exceed their income. Either these people would have to be crazy wealthy, or they secretly maintain a budget when no one is looking 🙂
    Giving within your means to me means there’s a conversation about money that has somehow taken place, so both sides know what the other’s means are and what to expect. Yet you say you have never in your life had a conversation about money. I don’t understand it. When you two made a major purchase like a car or a house, how do you know how much car or house you can afford, if no one talks about it? I am honestly puzzled. I get it that you are just as puzzled about people who count their money and discuss their budget with their partner. I find it even more mystifying. I apologize if I came across as negative, I am more like curious. You do realize though that your advice will not work for almost all people. Most of us cannot follow your example.

  20. 110

    Hi Goldie
    When I said never have “these kinds” of discussions about money, what I was meaning was divvying up every last penny to the point that you’re actually working out fractions and percentages, and who should pay how much, and who’s paying more than whom, and making calculations and so on and so on, as has been discussed here.
    Of course we discussed making purchases like a house and car, etc. but it was NEVER you pay for this and I’ll pay for that, and I won’t contribute to such and such, and you earn more than me therefore your percentage is X and mine is Y, and so on and so on. Literally what was mine was his and what was his was mine. We shared everything and he never denied me and I never denied him (if we could). I think *that* is what I am really talking about here, there was no withholding from each other at all… And he trusted me to never take advantage of that, and I never did. I think it is *that* that I am talking about – the trust, the generosity, more so than the nuts and bolts of sums and budgets. In both of my relationships we had that trust. Of course we’d add up how much we had and what our expenses were, but everything was always “ours”, not “yours” and “mine”.

  21. 111

    Clare, Oh I see. That’s because you had joint finances I guess. OP and her boyfriend have separate finances, so it is different. They also each have to support their children from previous marriages, which also adds a difference. If I tell my bf all I have is his, where does this leave my kids?
    I have to add, I admire it that you had this trust in both of your relationships. Most families fight about money even when they have joint finances. I am honestly happy for you that you and your both partners were able to have things working well in that regard.

  22. 112
    Nicole W

    Clare #104
    I see you get the gist of what I’m talking about. Thankfully, someone does. I’ve never been in a relationship where the money is so precisely divided up either. The posters relationship doesn’t come across to be one where they have each others back no matter what. It appears her live-in will give the minimum necessary to keep her quiet. Very bizarre to me and thankfully, it’s not my norm. I’m used to the type of relationship where we would give each other the shirts off our backs.
    Selena #107
    I noticed you glossed over the fact that Mr Wonderful is most likely making a lot more money now that he is working so many hours, yet he still refuses to fork out more. And saying you aren’t willing to cook or clean up after someone’s children is plain mean-spirited. It doesn’t matter wether the kids “need” help or not. I don’t know many mothers that would be okay with that. 
    My sense of fairness isn’t born from fantasy. YOU see it that way because you must split pennies the way the OP does. I am pretty sure you would see things differently if you had generous giving partner. When someone is generous and giving, it makes you want to give back 10 fold. 

  23. 113
    Karl T

    Nicole #103,

    Tell me what she is doing to contribute to his kids??  How come you don’t ever mention that?  Is she sending money to them or buying them things??? What happened to them?  It seems like you just ignore that and treat the situation as if he is a guy with no kids and other obligations and she is the only one with kids.  You call him cheap for not paying more for her kids…and BTW 1/3 of the costs is paying for MORE than his share.  He’s only required to pay 1/4.  So, she works 2 jobs- she works a total of 35 to 42 hours a week while he works 72 hours.  Who cares how many jobs you have- total hours is total hours.  

  24. 114

    Thank you.
    Yes we did have joint finances and it worked for us because there was that trust, which I think is very preferable.
    Admittedly, I don’t have kids and there were no kids involved in these relationships, however when you’re with a generous man you’d be surprised how much easier these things are.  No we didn’t have kids, but he supported me completely for 2 of the 5 years when I was not working. He helped me with money for my passions.  And I gave in my turn.  When we got divorced there was no arguing whatsoever about dividing things up.
    It really is, for me, wonderful and preferable.  But not having children, I can’t comment on that specifically.

  25. 115

    Yeah, I am also used to a relationship where we would give each other the shirt off our backs.  I wouldn’t want it any other way.  And being with someone like that DEFINITELY makes you want to give back 10 fold.

  26. 116

    Selrna has it spot on in #107!  She is smart and open minded, logical and I can see she has worn plenty shoes in her life!  When I wrote the letter I was scared! We had just started living together after a very long fantasy courtship! he wasn’t making as much money as he is now and he was adjusting to this new need for income.  it turns out he stepped up to the plate and got a better job making almost double he was when living as a bachelor.  The kids are 13ish and clean up after themselves (for the most part) they do their own laundry (for the most part 🙂 and have a dad already.  True he pays a third but my ex husband contributes and so do I.  Seems fair! The housework is a bit strange but I am not in a big rush to fix it, it will fix itself over time.  Meat is very ridiculously expensive and he is the meat eater! I thought it was a brilliant idea when he came up with that idea.  he picks up things here and there like bread, rice, butter, toilet paper when he notices we are out.  I guess I jumped the gun when writing the letter because he ended up proving how valuable he is in my life.  I was scared and disappointed when he didn’t offer to pay for anything but he can’t read minds so after our discussion per Evans answer, he, not I, came up with a better plan for us to move forward with a future plan that we both are happy with.  Thank you for all your comments, it helped to see things in different perspectives! 

  27. 117

    @ Nicole
    From the original letter: He never goes out or spends foolishly on himself. He really doesn’t have enough.
    That’s when he only had $600 to contribute and Lisa had 5 times more.
    Nicole W. #52: Sorry, he has to go! She is working TWO jobs in order to keep the house going, and he refuses to do the same. It doesn’t matter whose kids live with them. If they are going to have a life together as a couple, they are both responsible for the care of ALL the kids (his too). I would take all the monthly obligations and divide them in half. If he can’t pay half, Adios! This is why I won’t date a man that makes significantly less than me. 
    She may have two jobs, but they were working the same amount of HOURS.
    Lisa #64: We had a discussion and he has agreed to contribute $900/month now plus buy the meat.  That seems fair to me.  
    after he pays his child support and I receive mine, with our income, we each bring in about the same into the house. He has credit cards, truck payments, but I don’t have any so that leaves me paying for most everything.
    Lisa #There are three incomes coming into the house.  The OP, the boyfriend and the father of the children therefore 1/3 is fair.
    The boyfriend never complains and never expects anything. He is going to contribute more towards groceries and that was may biggest issue so problem solved.
    Nicoleinfl #65:  I still feel your BF is getting off easy with $900. After paying you $900 and his $1600 child support, he still has $1100 left over. Surely he can help a little more so you don’t have to have 2 jobs. I personally would want half the rent.
    Nicole W. #113:  I’ve never been in a relationship where the money is so precisely divided up either. The posters relationship doesn’t come across to be one where they have each others back no matter what.
    And: I noticed you glossed over the fact that Mr Wonderful is most likely making a lot more money now that he is working so many hours, yet he still refuses to fork out more. When someone is generous and giving, it makes you want to give back 10 fold.
    Expect you don’t Nicole. You won’t tolerate a guy making less/having less to spend than you. And if  he makes more, YOU want more. You are not interested in what is fair. You are not interested in having someone’s back. You are interested in making sure NICOLE is the recipient of generosity and if she’s not…ADIOS!
    Nicole #103: Even with the new arrangements, he comes across as being stingy and uncaring. Selena, our opinions differ because all of the men I have dated are generous and giving and I am not accustomed to that kind of behavior. I will never settle for that kind of man.
    Which brings me to an obvious question:  So why haven’t you chose one of these generous and giving men to have a family with?

  28. 118

    Angie 101
    Think before you become deeper involved with a man who is not inspired to feed you while you work hard at climbing the social ladder.
    This man does not seem inspired by love to care for your well being. It feels like he does not see you as family. Are you planning to have children some day with him? Is he going to use your body and health for free to make his children and yet make you pay 50% of his children needs and 100% of the food and care necessary to keep healthy your body used to create his babies?
    Man in love would say “You chose this road and I feel proud and support you with all my heart. Let me take care of our food and your dentist bills. In fact let me take over when your bank account is empty until your monthly allowance comes in. I believe in you, you will make it. I am sure you will help me back in your own way.”
    I don’t know if your insurance pays for the contraceptive pills, but that’s something else that costs. Is it included in the sterile, loveless maths? The monetary costs of contraception and the health risks we take by eating these pills. How much does he pay to compensate the health risk you take so that he can have fun sexually, not bothering to use condons, not bothering to ejaculate outside, not bothering to check the time of the month, totally care free?

  29. 119

    I don’t want to live with a man who does not realise the rent of my body to create his future babies is priceless,  the rent of my breast to feed his future babies is priceless, my health risked to make his future babies is priceless. His unawareness feels cut from the source when he thinks I owe him the rent to live with him.
    I don’t want to live with a man who does not see that feeding my body and paying my dentist while I am still a student is honouring himself as the health of his own future babies depends on my health. Feeding their mother is the least he can do when he uses her body for free to have his babies and puts her health at risk. It feels cut from the source when he thinks I owe him the money for food while my food is building his baby inside me, my food allows me to breast feed his child, my food allows me to raise his child.
    I don’t want to be with a man who makes me create a baby with my own 100% body when he does not want to feed that body and that he does not want to pay the dentist so it stays bacteria free for the sake of his own babies.
    I don’t want to change for ever the shape of my body for a man who makes me pay on my own my new cloths for the new body I was left with, who makes me pay my own food and half the baby’s food and accessories and half the baby’s house.
    I don’t want to be with a richer man stuck with feeling poor myself, bad food for myself and the baby, having to stop my studies or jobs long enough to give birth and breast feed the babies while watching this man eating better quality food in front of me and the children. And how can I manage to pay half a lower quality of food for the baby while he pays half a higher one? How is he going to divide the quality? How is the children’ dentist going to be paid if the father will pay only half and I do not even have enough for my own dentist?
    What would be the use of such father inside my home then if he pays only for his own 50% of the rent, his own food and his own whatever needs and only 50% the baby’s food??? As if I had created half a child.
    A man who does nothing for his woman while she challenges her health giving birth to his family with 100% of her own body, struggling to pay her food and her half of the children food while he drives his expensive car?
    Where is the love ? Where is the role model for the children?
    OK, so I don’t want that type of father for my future family. What’s the point in sharing a home with this man, then? I might as well live alone or with a female roommate to open the space for new suitors and find a loving  responsible father for our future children.

  30. 120

    Zaria- i understand your point but i just want to say that not using condoms is just as much of a benefit for the woman as it is for the man. If she chooses the pill, she  enjoys sex without a condom and sex without worrying about the time of the month as much as he does. If there are health risks she’s not comfortable with, there are other methods  of contraception besides pill and condom.

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