What You Can Learn From a Real-Life “He’s Just Not That Into You” Situation
Pages: 1 2
I am 41, divorced with two kids. Three months ago, I met someone, 38, no kids, never been married. We exchanged phone numbers, went out a couple times and ended up having sex on our second date. He has always been upfront with me about not wanting a serious relationship, which I agreed to because frankly, even though I’ve been divorced for two years I don’t feel that I’m ready for that either. He is the first guy that I’ve dated, let alone had sex with, since the divorce. Things seemed to be going pretty well, we were seeing each other a couple times a week, had a few incidents where I did things he didn’t like, one time I went to his house unannounced and he told me to never do that again. So we’ve had a few conversations about honesty, and about what each of us wants this relationship to be. I thought we came to an agreement, he told me he has gone out with other women since I came along and that he wouldn’t mind if I dated other people. He says he hasn’t had sex with anyone else, and if he did he would tell me and break it off with me. And he would expect me to do the same.
The last time I saw him was on a Wednesday almost two weeks ago, I called him the following Saturday at 10 p.m. and he was at a party, said he would call me later. Well, he did call at 4 a.m. and left me a voicemail saying he was sorry he didn’t call earlier, that he would’ve invited me but I wouldn’t have had any fun because it was mostly a bunch of guys.
So on Monday I sent him a text asking what he was doing, and he never responded. By Thursday (a week since I’d seen him last) he still hadn’t called so I called him and he did the ‘answer the phone and hang it up to make it look like a dropped call’ game twice before he finally answered the third time. When he did answer he was pretty rude, said I read too much into things, that he’s been busy and that’s the only reason he hasn’t called me. I asked him if he was seeing someone else and he said no. I told him that he could’ve at least had the courtesy to take two minutes out of his suddenly busy life to call me to say he wouldn’t be available due to being busy. (I don’t know what is keeping him busy, he never elaborated.) He did agree that he was pretty inconsiderate of my feelings, but never said anything about calling me again or anything. The conversation ended with me telling him to give me a call when he could find the time.
All I ask for is a little honesty, if he doesn’t want to see me anymore for whatever reason, just be a man and end it with a little dignity. Is that too much to ask? It’s not like we had only gone out a couple times, we spent a fair amount of time with each other and I thought that if anything else, he would always be a friend. But now I feel like I have to try to avoid him, I told my friend that if he shows up at the bar when we’re there I will leave, she says I need to just hold my head up and pretend I’m not hurt if I do see him. I guess I just want a little insight into the mind of a 38 year old man that behaves like a high school kid. It is really frustrating, a setback to the confidence and self esteem that I did have before I met him, which wasn’t much to begin with. I see now that he was only using me for sex, that he either met someone else or is just done with me. I would be curious to know how many other women my age have been in situations like this. It makes me want to just give up on men altogether.
Charlene
Dear Charlene,
Don’t give up on men. But please, for your own sake, read this very closely. Maybe print it up and put it on your bathroom mirror, where you can practice smiling in spite of what you’re about to hear.
Ready?
Okay.
He’s just not that into you.
But you already knew that. So let me continue with something that might not be as obvious….
Continued on next page >>
Related Posts:
 |
Why He Disappeared is the smart, strong, successful woman's guide to understanding men. If you want to learn how men think, and rediscover how to have meaningful relationships - all from a man's point of view - click here to learn Why He Disappeared. |
Do You Want to Attract the Partner of Your Dreams?
If so, sign up for my free dating and relationship newsletter and receive my free eBook, The 5 Massive Mistakes You're Making In Your Love Life - And How to Turn Them Around Instantly. Simple and effective advice to jumpstart your love life.
40 Comments »Filed Under Dating Tips & Advice, Favorites
Nan 1
Wow, sounds harsh, but Evan’s right. Take it from someone who has been in a similar position. I started dating in earnest a little later than most and I didn’t have the benefit of Evan’s sage advice and it took me a long time to learn that if a man does not call back it wasn’t there for him. Yes it irritates me if a man says he’ll call back & then doesn’t, but that, itself is a sign. It takes courage to tell some you’re not interested because if you’re a nice person you know it might hurt their feelings. Here’s the thing though, we’re adults now we should be able to handle a tap to the ego. If I was really attracted to the guy it stings a bit, but I feel I’m worth more than the level I stoop to to get his attention. So please don’t give up.
SWF41 2
*He* was acting like a high schooler?
*She* was acting like a high schooler, with the unending phone calls and text messages, refusing to just take the hint.
Charlene 3
First of all I’d like to thank Evan for the giant reality check. I saw a million red flags from the very beginning and refused to acknowledge them, I guess because I was lonely and he was the first guy to give me any attention that I had any interest in. After reading what I wrote, I agree that I acted like a high schooler also. But I would like to add a few things. There were times that he relentlessly called me, left me texts and voicemails wanting to know where I was, and when I would get back to him I would get lectured about not having enough respect for him to answer his calls. He also got into a fight (argument) with a guy for talking to me (“his woman”). We had an agreement that if either one of us met someone else that we would tell the other, not just do a disappearing act. I am relieved to say that two days ago he sent me a text telling me we needed to have “the talk”. So he called me and said that he was seeing an ex-girlfriend and wanted to see where things would go with her. I told him I appreciated the honesty, and he said he was going to keep my number. I said that was fine, if he ever wanted to call me and I wasn’t involved with someone else, I would see him. Now that I’ve had two days and some conversations with some of my friends, i’ve decided that if he ever does call I will not see him again. He was fun to hang out with but he never will be the kind of guy that I want or deserve, I was compromising my self respect for someone who clearly wasn’t right for me.
Nan 4
Good for you. To be fair it sounds like he gave you some mixed signals & I recognize those red flags as well. You definately deserve better.
ABT 5
Good reply. I needed that “verbal bitchslap” as a reminder too. Funny how our actions aren’t always congruent with what we intellectually know.
Sounds like Charlene’s issue got resolved.
Dauntless Dater 6
Amen. It should be much easier.
merita 7
I had a similiar situtatio, but different.
i dated a guy for 1.5 years,
we did have a few problems.
we did talk about moving in together, family. he did not have a job.
we had a fight about his lifestyle. player poker.
He blew me off,
after 1. 5years.
did not say anything nice.
we got into fight before my vacation, I called him to say what about vacation. he said No, I don’t want to do anything to do with you you are against my poker.
That was it, I sent 2 text messages, he did not answer, called twice, he never returned calls.
don’t you think a normal guy would say something nice to you after 1.5 years of you life.
I am just turned 42 years old. I am trying to have family and get married.
I feel same way. If I see him I would be embarresed, not talk. run away.
aAre re you supossed to treat a significant relationship that way????????
.
Sanya 8
That is it in a nutshell. Hower, I have something to add for all BEAUTIFUL Women out there..
PLEASE, don’t EVER sleep with the man on a first, second even on third date. I know, the attraction is there (been there myself). We women must let the dating process grow (if there is a chance for that), to actually let the men COURT us. One of the things that happen is that once we become intimate with the MAN soon, at least what happened to me, emotional attachment is created, unless some women have HEART made of steal. Through COURTING proces women can actually enjoy and get to know REAL MAN the one behind INITAL physicall attraction which is pretty much only INFATUATION mask. This way if the relationship doesn’t turn out to be EXCLUSIVE and REAL we (women) won’t be hurt as much. Men from the start know what they want, only later they will start thinking process, (e.g, she is very nice, confident, wow- she is attracted to me but she won’t GIVE IN (sex) they will realize this later, however women want to please MEN, (e.g they pressure, sweet talk (attraction is there), come too strong, at first =phase of INFATUATION, not reality!!
Please all Women, especially YOUNGER who did not, or have yet to mature and did not have a positive father figure, as myself, (we don’t know any better) you HAVE to wait…
Remember, calling him, chasing him won’t change him, it’s all acting upon our insecurity (we were hurt, bonded to quickly, he did not) He got what he wanted; why woman LET him have it.
Rule to remember: Man who pressures you to become intimate with him doesn’t care no matter what he tells you or acts, if’s not right for you, STOP him. If he CARES he’ll say “No problem, it’s o.k. we can wait or anything similar, HE (the real GUY with the honest heart will SAY so..)
Thanks for reading my long comment and good luck to all.
Alison 9
I read this with interest, and understanding. I have been in similar situations several times.
It is true Charlene and us other women need to take the ‘hints’ and it is also true that many men could use some manners and lessons in accountability, honesty, and consideration.
As hard as it is to accept someone’s changing interest or affections, it is harder to be betrayed. When we make agreements out of mututal respect, and these agreements are broken- that stings and stinks.
And the person who continually enters these – often men- who want easy relationships – sexual or other, should also be given an opportunity to experience and understand the consequences of their ‘failure’ to live up to them. Many women don’t bother to call them on it and so that behavior continues – and hurts others.
It is true, Charlene, myself, and others can and must learn to read the ‘cues’ and stand up for our own needs and preferences in terms of how we wish to be treated.
Yet Charlene did this with her talks with her new dating partner of how to handle changing desire honestly. If she was responding to his calls, it is reseasonable to expect him to respond to hers, even to say he is no longer interested or available.
If a man is not really committed or considerate enough to call- yes that is sign women should note. Yet also the man could learn to not to say he will call or that he wants to continue contact. He could learn that his word carries weight and should be given with thought.
Yes as Evan says, reason doesn’t dictate dating behavior.
Many men and women will act on their own needs first over consideration for the ‘other’ involved. This is normal.
Yet it does not make wanting consideration wrong or ‘immature’ or high schoolish.
Identifying that hope and behavior one desires, and looking for those who match more closely with those actions is just fine, and is what Charlene has done and Evan pointed the way towards.
I think more women should (teasingly) call their men on their ‘chicken’ and selfish behavior, and also find ways to set their standards clearly.
Where are the men who will call each other on this poor – immature behavior?
Knowing so many men act this way and enable each other to act this way – It makes it VERY difficult for women to expect differently.
I think there needs to be some empathy for women and men who would enjoy companionship, know each of us is imperfect , and are willing to flex and be called on their behavior and grow.
We may get dissappointed in the process, and yet we can discover what we can live with and how to express better what we want and decide who can deliver.
Good luck-
PS- to know someone is just ‘not that into you’ is not as helpful as figuring out whom one can be into, wants to be into, knowing why one is into someone, and how to maintain that openess and invitation for return affections.
Yes, it is best not to waste time (or anger) with those not responding- yet there can be many reasons for that (including illness and fear) – and each has to decide how to handle that.
It seems Charlene and this man did come to a more honest open communication and she was able to clarify her needs and move on.
Alison
merita 10
HI, Nice letter alison.
Do you think I should call and ask him, what is goig on??
Are you so chicken and coward that you can not call and say something.
you have to so rude blow me off??
Do you think that is the way to end a 1. year relationship.
???/
Most of these therapist say do not persue him, let him go? you will scare him away if you call him.
He is just not interested . forget him and move on.
He dropped you after 1. years of datig.
These thrapist say do not persue him.
It will make him run>
But is that the way to act .
maybe i should tell him off?
merita 11
tThese therapist say. well his has commitment problems.
He had a bad mother.
supose you want to tell him off>
therapist , say no that will drive him away further.
Taht is why I thik people should ask each other where is this going??
men seem to hate this, why becuae they get free sex and now they know it may end.
merita 12
I do not know how to dea with the hurt and apin from guy just saying by over phone , he will t do anythig because poker makes me a little nervous.
People say OH you are a sucker, you just want to inflict pain on your self.
merita 13
It seems lots of women think a guy likes them but is just using them for sex.
How ca you figure it out.
My idea is ask the guy to take you for a weekend away, or go away together.
this guy who disseaperd would not do a weekend away with me for 7 months except one trip to aruba which he was not that romantic, meanwhile he did all these dance competitions with 2 year old dancer..
How do you test if a guy is just ito you for sex.,????????
Txcowgirl 14
…I sympathize with the situation to an extent…harsh words, but very true and we should know that by our 40′s, if not sooner. We’ve all “been there-done that” and men will make it perfectly clear, regardless of mixed signals, when they want to be around whether it’s part-time or full-time. “We” (no one else) make the choice to allow anyone to treat us in any way…what cliche is that from Eleanor Roosevelt that “no one can treat you badly without your consent” – very true. For any of you who watched the Bachelor (not my thing, but the one with Andy Baldwin caught my attention watching Tessa in action) and ironically, I read an excerpt somewhere about why Andy continued to pursue and be intrigued by Tessa – we can learn a lot from that courtship (or whatever you want to call it)…even outside of reality TV because they are going strong today.
There are many reasons why he was smitten with Tessa—chemistry being the main reason. But there was something else that he found absolutely intoxicating about her. That something is that she was ELUSIVE. She was not one to gush out all of her emotions and express her adoration like the other girls did. He knew where he stood with each of the other contestants. But he had no idea what was really going on in Tessa’s mind when it came to him. So there was some mystery about Tessa and Andy, being the inquisitive type, was intrigued to figure it out.
A man (as we know) love a challenge – I don’t care how submissive he is, they all love a challenge and when we become the aggressor, we take over that masculine energy – and 9 times out of 10, that’s not at all what we want. So, why do it!
Even after years of a healthy relationship, they still love a little challenge, it’s in their mechanism and once we learn how to use that to our advantage without so much emotion, unless it’s mutual at the time, we will continue to make the same choices/mistakes again and again.
What I loved about Tessa was she was not so aggressive and in his face or allover his body like Bevin and the others; it was Andy who had to chase and, pursue. Doing so brought out his masculine side. Andy was a competitor. He has competed to get into a good college, to get into medical school, to get into a surgical residency program and has definitely competed as a triathelete. Any competitor loves a challenge. Tessa was a huge challenge for him. Challenging to get her to open up, to find the key that allowed him to unlock her feelings towards him, and express those feelings to him. It was a challenge for him to make her feel that she is special. Tessa told him that he should send her home if he wasn’t serious about her and he bent over backwards to let how know that she was welcome in his life and that he had no intention of sending her home.
Based on Andy’s particular personality type, he is a fair minded, precise, sensitive, intelligent caretaking and competitive type of man, with a high level of integrity, a strong sense of family values and Tessa definitely played her cards right when it came to clinching the deal with a man who wanted to marry her.
Stick around this board and Evan’s Blog, we can learn a lot from this man (and Linda)…but seriously – it’s a lot like the “bitchslap” advice I get from one of my best “guy” friends (we all have those)…and I can tell you, my guy friends will instantly tell me how it is from a “man’s” perspective – it’s our job to pay attention. I learned a long time ago that they need to earn the ‘right’ to get what they want from me, right down to my insides!!!
JuJu 15
Now, Charlene, this is the kind of crucial information that all but invalidates Evan’s response. Why on earth did you leave it out of your original letter??
JuJu 16
I mean, sure, you still shouldn’t have called (repeatedly), but an honest “casual” dater this man certainly isn’t.
sheena 17
Hello,
I too would like to know how to tell if a guy is interested in me just for sex or really into me for a relationship. I dated a guy for over a year… and he did everything he possibly could to woo me and get me to spend time with him. He was cute, funny, charming, and always there for me. I am a busy single mom to a child with special needs and have a full-time job. He did helped me in everything from groceries to laundry and cleaning my apartment. He called, texted and instant messaged me all the time. He came-by to meet me if I had an hour to spare while waiting for my son’s therapies. After a few months, when I asked him where it was going, he did a double-take. He said he was only in it for sex!!! I must say he was very nice and cosiderate during our break-up, and we still talk sometimes. I have started dating again, and now, I have no idea how to tell if a guy is into me for a relationship or just for sex.
Megan 18
HOLY CRAP….I just read that and I can sooo relate to Charlene and at the same time felt like his response was directed at me. I do that all the time. Well I don’t date guys who openly want to date other people but the whole needy, clingy when they are giving you sings of pulling away, I smother them more thing….the sad part is that I know I do it and it still happens. I like to tell myself i’m not being a doormat but just a giving and trusting person in a relationship and expecting the same. I’ve found that having expectations is what gets me…I still haven’t found that balance so I feel for Charlene but I know its all in our own power to not experience these types of dating situations over and over. Good luck.
Mil 19
is it really worth the trouble to be with a man or a woman. it seems there is sooooo much to figure out. Call, dont call; act as if you dont care, it seems if we show interest in a man he won’t like us, and if we are nonchalant then they will be interested. give me a break. i think i am enjoying my single life although lonely at times and wanting some companionship the thought of all the mind games just tires me out and the feeling of wanting a man in my life soon subsides. if it happens great, but i can only be myself and refuse to play mind games. if i feel like calling him then i should be able to without him freaking out. I mean isnt it enough we are suppose to wait till THEY want to get married till THEY want to make it a serious relationship. What about US woman why do we have to wait for THEM to want the relationship. I know this sounds as if i’ve given up but i havent. I’m just not into the mind games.
Melody 20
Oh wow, Alison….you soooo need to write a book with Evan!
Thank you for your comments. You hit home with what you said about identifying what you want and being with someone who can deliver.
Deliver is the key word!
Thank you again!
jean 21
why don’t women start to think more like men…..
“I’m just not that IN to HIM” and move on as quickly as it started.
Kari 22
How shall I put this? I’m fed up with references to “He’s just not that into you…” Women aren’t that difficult to break up with, we want you to say you’re done if you’re done so we can move on. Men on the other hand do the dance of interest (replete with feather headdress) to attract a woman then freeze them out instead of simply telling them it’s over. So for all the men out there if you aren’t interested, say so. Let’s face it, if you are trying to use someone for sex, you could just find someone who only wants sex. If you trail after women who want more, don’t be so surprised when they want more than sex. It’s not just a “woman thing” to expect something out of a relationship, so if you’re not interested don’t waffle around hoping your girl will just disappear, just tell her you’re not interested. While you may have a scene where she tells you off for whatever, but it’ll be over with less drama and pain for all concerned.
hunter 23
to Kari,
…..some women think they can handle the, ‘I want sex only,’ approximately, 90 days into the relationship, some women want more…
verbosity 24
You know, reading this I am reminded of the stories ladies tell about the ‘nice guy’ pursuing her…He’s trying too hard, he’s a wimp, not interested because of it. Interesting.
That said, both sexes need to realize the reality…most people prefer to avoid conflict in dating. Therefore, If a man or woman is interested, they will ACTIVELY contact the other, trying to see them. If the man or woman is not interested, he/she will not call, or will call a few days later with some lame excuse, but not trying to see the person they are calling. And why this passive aggressive (arguably deceptive) behavior? No one wants to be the bad guy/girl and drop the hammer on the other. The whys are varied. Simply put, this is the reality.
With this reality in mind, here are some guidelines…
If he/she doesn’t call back within 24 hours, drop ‘em. It isn’t much effort to leave a VM to say you are buried, want to talk but can’t till tomorrow.
If their primary method of communication is text/email, drop ‘em. My experience is if someone of either sex wants to be with you, they make the effort to talk. In other words, you don’t matter enough to them to merit calls and actually interacting. Drop ‘em.
The basic premise behind the above is that people who genuine like and care about you will make an effort to talk to you, see you, and actively show you their affections. Therefore, if you do not receive the effort (from either sex), walk. Don’t worry, there will be another man/woman along in 10 minutes. Always is.
hunter 25
to verbosity,
“Don’t worry there will be another man/woman along in 10 minutes, always is.”…..You must be very attractive….us regular, plain, average, people, we fantasize about meeting someone new, every 10 minutes….
DeAngelo 26
This is a case of not so much is it a crappy guy ,but she made a crappy decision short term decision expecting long term results. Then whats so sad you will have women like her going out spreading toxic information saying hte men are dogs and blah blah blah but all the red flags were there in the beginning, she just chose to ignore them. Now her feelings are hurt.
Charlene 27
To DeAngelo
I am the person who wrote the letter to Evan. I have been “lurking” on this blog since then, and have learned alot about myself just by reading all the different posts. I can relate to many of the issues. I don’t know what type of woman you think I am from reading about one issue I had with one person, but I can guarantee that I am not spreading nor did i ever spread toxic information about the person I was writing about, and I guess you could assume from the last part of what I wrote (that I’m about to just give up on men altogether), that I continue to think all men are dogs, which I don’t. Obviously I was very frustrated at the time I wrote, and mostly just venting.
For the record, he did call me back about six weeks after he told me he was getting back with an ex girlfriend. I did start seeing him again and we were together up until about two weeks ago. When I have time I will write about that and what has happened since then.
Aimee 28
I want to add to Sanya’s comment about sleeping with a guy on the second date. The virgin/whore dichotomy – that women are either respectable and relationship-worthy (virgins) or easy and untrustworthy (whores) – is something that all men have built into their DNA. Some see it in a black and white way, and some do not, but all men categorize women into these two categories to some extent, consciously or not.
If you sleep with him easily, he assumes you sleep with everyone easily, and doesn’t see you as relationship material. And so even if you *feel* like having sex with him, you have to hold off. But you only want casual sex anyway? You don’t want a relationship? Fine. Hold out for 6-8 weeks and then start a casual relationship with him. He will have the potential to become a boyfriend because he doesn’t see you as trashy, and YOU can make the choice to keep him at a casual level if that’s what you want. Your dating karma and your self-respect are preserved.
You will never, ever have that choice if you sleep with him too soon. It goes back to what Evan says about too much “being yourself”… if it isn’t working for you, you have to change it. It’s not about fair or not fair, it’s about cause and effect. You feel bad about yourself? Pretend you think you’re great. Be an actress – emulate someone you know who has great confidence. Fake it till you make it. You *are* a slut deep down inside? Me too, girl, you have NO idea. But no man gets the benefit of my unleashed inner slut unless I’m in a relationship with him – a committed relationship in which he’s in love with me. Until then I bat my eyes at any sexual advances and say, “I barely know you, that isn’t something I do with just anyone!”
Men are formulaic. Follow the formula, and you will get the desired result.
Aimee
Web Two-Point-I-Gotta-Know « Ms. Matched 29
[...] (s)he’s just not that into you is not an adequate explanation there is website offering to intervene. The folks at ‘Why Was [...]
Rachel 30
NO JUDGMENT HERE, but if a guy says he doesn’t want a relationship, take that at face value. Men are pretty simple, that way. And if he gives mixed signals, don’t take it as a sign of commitment. It is a fact that women tend to get emotionally attached once they have sex, but guys don’t. Most of the time. (We won’t cover the subject of cougars, here). Therefore, getting intimate right off the bat will more often than not end in heartbreak. The guy was just following his biological imperative to spread the seed (and you let him), but the woman was following her biological imperative to nest (and he didn’t let you). That being said: I have had two long relationships (several years long) which started with very early intimacy, so rules can be broken. The difference, though, is that the guy made clear early on that he wanted to be serious and manogamous.
Barbie 31
This site has been an eye-opener for me. My situation is almost identical to Charlenes. I can see now that I hotly pursued the last two men I have had relationships with. Both gave me “The Speech” – about not wanting a commitment. Guess what? I did not listen. I thought that if I lured them with sex, and saw them frequently, spending time together would turn him around. Well, it does not work. I married the commitment-phobic. The 32-yr old bachelor with his own house and nice lifestyle. We are both unhappy. He is distant and still behaves in his single-day ways. He is happy to do chores around the house, but emotionally he is NOT THAT INTO ME!!! We are two strangers living together. Ladies. Please read what Evan has to say. Its hard. Its the truth. He is not saying it will never happen to you. He is saying that the right guy will always be there. He will prove it to you by spending more and more time together – not less and less. If you have to chase him, is it worth it?
Thank you Evan, your words have been unbelievably helpful. I now see what I am doing wrong. Taking the wrong guy and trying to make it right. If its right, it will happen. Time for me to move on!
Letta 32
I am so sick of that “he’s just not that into you” trendy saying. People don’t want to hear that – that is obvious. We want to know what we can do to get them to be into us or what we are doing wrong to keep them from being into us. Stop with the stupid, sophmoric “in style” phrases and give us some advice we can USE!
realitycheck 33
Reality check:
He’s a COWARD. A sad sack, inconsiderate, passive-aggressive coward. And as a society, we give men (and women when the shoe is on the other foot) a sorry ass excuse for being rude by saying “He’s just not into you” so it’s ok if he doesn’t have the social fortitude to pull his special, delicate, cowardly head out of his rear and simply say he’d like to excuse him self from any further relationship. Pathetic.
Karl R 34
realitycheck said: (#33)
“we give men (and women when the shoe is on the other foot) a sorry ass excuse for being rude by saying ‘He’s just not into you’ so it’s ok if he doesn’t have the social fortitude to pull his special, delicate, cowardly head out of his rear and simply say he’d like to excuse him self from any further relationship.”
Nobody said his rudeness was okay.
I think it would be more polite if he did what I did the last time I decided I wasn’t interested in a serious relationship with a woman.
1. When I decided that I wasn’t interested in a serious relationship, I immediately told her that the relationship wasn’t going to go anywhere in the long-term, but I enjoyed her company in the short-term.
2. I reiterated this a couple of times as we continued to date, to be certain she wasn’t operating under some delusion that I had changed my mind.
3. When I met someone that I was interested in dating long-term, I let her know and broke the relationship off.
But Charlene’s boyfriend didn’t write asking how he could become a more courteous dater. Therefore, Evan’s advice was directed at Charlene, not her ex-boyfriend.
Letta said: (#32)
“We want to know what we can do to get them to be into us or what we are doing wrong to keep them from being into us. Stop with the stupid, sophmoric ‘in style’ phrases and give us some advice we can USE!”
I doubt you’re the woman that I wasn’t into. But I’ll explain why I wasn’t into her, so you can determine how useful that advice would have been.
This woman was younger than me, and was substantially less mature than the other woman her age I’d dated. She was above average intelligence, but not close enough to my level for me to truly see her as my equal.
What would you recommend that this woman do so I would be “into her”?
In my opinion, there wasn’t a damn thing she could do. And that’s precisely what “He’s just not that into you” communicates. You can’t do a damn thing, so stop trying to find out what you could do differently.
But you don’t want to hear that USEFUL piece of information.
Ruby 35
Karl #34
I think the problem we ladies have is that men continue to date women they claim they are not into, so even if you tell someone you’re not interested in a serious relationship, she may read that as not interested for the time being. She may think that if you keep seeing each other, eventually you’ll come around, that you must like her a lot or you’d stop seeing her, right? That’s where the confusion happens, and believe me, many men might say they are not looking for a serious relationship, but they’ll give other signals indicating that they ARE. I’ve even had a guy tell me he wanted to have a long-term CASUAL relationship with me (yes, I declined). If you’re not really into someone, why date them? (yeah, I know, SEX). But why not just be friends, or move on? Because in general, I think it’s harder for women to do the casual thing than it is for men. Women perceive this type of behavior as selfishness.
As far as the woman you were dating goes, was she hurt anyway when you did break it off? After all, even if she was forewarned, she still got dumped in the end.
Karl R 36
Ruby said: (#35)
“even if you tell someone you’re not interested in a serious relationship, she may read that as not interested for the time being.”
I can’t remember a single time where I’ve been certain that I didn’t want a serious relationship with an individual (sufficiently certain to announce it to her face) but later changed my mind. Therefore, I tend to assume that it’s unlikely that women will behave differently than I do.
Obviously, it’s a different situation if someone’s uncertain. That could go either way.
Ruby said: (#35)
“many men might say they are not looking for a serious relationship, but they’ll give other signals indicating that they ARE.”
If you want a serious relationship, and he wants a serious relationship, what motivation does he have to lie?
I can understand the situation that you describe. I had one woman blatantly tell me that she wasn’t interested in a serious relationship with me. Over the next few months her behavior consistently indicated that she had changed her mind. (For example, I was spending the night at her place 5-6 times per week.)
Instead of making assumptions, I directly brought up the topic in a conversation. I wasn’t about to completely invest myself emotionally in a relationship without some assurance that she saw it as being more serious too.
Ruby said: (#35)
“But why not just be friends, or move on? Because in general, I think it’s harder for women to do the casual thing than it is for men.”
I don’t pretend to know what is in her best interest. I expect her to have a clearer idea about that than I do. She (presumably) decided that a casual relationship benefitted her. We continued to date while it was mutually beneficial.
However, I believe that it was my responsibility to provide her with information so she could make a good decision.
Ruby asked: (#35)
“As far as the woman you were dating goes, was she hurt anyway when you did break it off?”
As best as I can tell, she wasn’t hurt. Either that, or she did an excellent job of concealing it.
We share a social circle, so we still see each other from time-to-time.
Liz 37
“She may think that even if you keep seeing each other, eventually you’ll come around.”
This is the exact myth that the HJNTIY book helps dispel. Seriously, this kind of thinking is so counterintuitive and detrimental to the dating lives of SO many women out there.
A 38
this might make you feel better, charlene –
my boyfriend and i dated for 8 MONTHS seriously, spending our weekends together and some weeknights.  we had an uncomfortable conversation – not an ‘i want this to end,’ but a disheartening conversation about the relationship nonetheless - and then he stopped calling. i contacted him a couple times after that, and then left it alone, figuring he’d get in touch.  i finally realized with shock and dismay that he wasn’t going to.  it HURT. i feel your pain.Â
i wish men understood why it this behavior is f*-wittage to women, that this is THE worst possible way to end things, when they don’t tell their serious partners they’re done.  i’m not sure they always do.
when my girlfriends and i invite each other to do something, and one of us can’t go, we don’t not answer. if we can’t go, we say we can’t go – otherwise, we consider this nonresponse to be rude behavior. (maybe i’m part of some weird minority of women?)
at some point, i realized that when a guy doesn’t answer me, whether it’s someone i’m dating, or a friend, or a co-worker, it means he just doesn’t want to do what i’m suggesting, and he’s not trying to offend. it took awhile to realize that.
BUT, i really wish that more men realized that WE DON’T THINK THAT WAY. i have tried, some of the time, to recognize that a man in a relationship not responding just means he isn’t interested, and not be pissy about the manner in which he has communicated this…but i really wish they could be more understanding of how i think about this, some of the time. in these most important conversations it’s harder for me to abandon my natural inclination to interpret non-response as meant to hurt me. it just HURTS. and it draws out a painful situation even longer than necessary, as i try to figure out what is/if something is wrong, throwing salt in the wound to boot.
Here's my question 39
My question is, there exist women whose chosen vocation is to provide NSA sex for money. Why not pay a professional to service your sex needs, men? And leave normal single women alone?
My take is, they get off the power trip. What’s needed to air out the room once and for all is a sex strike. Ladies, we need to close our legs to them for ten years. (It’s not like we need the sex from them; they need it from us; this is a seller’s market and it’s time we behaved so.) No sex anymore until the behavior changes.
If you don’t think this works, examine the bitterness and woman hatred over at Omega Virgin Revolt. When men don’t get easy sex, they become homicidal. The nice thing is women can buy guns now.
Sexual strike, ladies. Correct the behavior. Use a vibrator to satisfy your needs and leave these fools to their narcissism. They need sex from us and we do not need it from them. Seller’s market. Straighten up, girls. About 3650 days without nookie, they’ll get it straight again whose market it really is – and frankly, it’s overdue. Do not reward bad behavior. You’d stop giving treats to your puppy if he kept biting your baby.
Treat men the same.
b 40
Sanya, love your post. I needed to read that. Thank you.