my boyfriend and i dated for 8 MONTHS seriously, spending our weekends together and some weeknights.  we had an uncomfortable conversation – not an ‘i want this to end,’ but a disheartening conversation about the relationship nonetheless - and then he stopped calling.  i contacted him a couple times after that, and then left it alone, figuring he’d get in touch.  i finally realized with shock and dismay that he wasn’t going to.  it HURT.  i feel your pain. 

i wish men understood why it this behavior is f*-wittage to women, that this is THE worst possible way to end things, when they don’t tell their serious partners they’re done.  i’m not sure they always do.

when my girlfriends and i invite each other to do something, and one of us can’t go, we don’t not answer. if we can’t go, we say we can’t go – otherwise, we consider this nonresponse to be rude behavior. (maybe i’m part of some weird minority of women?)

at some point, i realized that when a guy doesn’t answer me, whether it’s someone i’m dating, or a friend, or a co-worker, it means he just doesn’t want to do what i’m suggesting, and he’s not trying to offend.  it took awhile to realize that.

BUT, i really wish that more men realized that WE DON’T THINK THAT WAY. i have tried, some of the time, to recognize that a man in a relationship not responding just means he isn’t interested, and not be pissy about the manner in which he has communicated this…but i really wish they could be more understanding of how i think about this, some of the time.  in these most important conversations it’s harder for me to abandon my natural inclination to interpret non-response as meant to hurt me. it just HURTS. and it draws out a painful situation even longer than necessary, as i try to figure out what is/if something is wrong, throwing salt in the wound to boot.

This is the exact myth that the HJNTIY book helps dispel. Seriously, this kind of thinking is so counterintuitive and detrimental to the dating lives of SO many women out there.

I can’t remember a single time where I’ve been certain that I didn’t want a serious relationship with an individual (sufficiently certain to announce it to her face) but later changed my mind. Therefore, I tend to assume that it’s unlikely that women will behave differently than I do.

Obviously, it’s a different situation if someone’s uncertain. That could go either way.

Ruby said: (#35)
“many men might say they are not looking for a serious relationship, but they’ll give other signals indicating that they ARE.”

If you want a serious relationship, and he wants a serious relationship, what motivation does he have to lie?

I can understand the situation that you describe. I had one woman blatantly tell me that she wasn’t interested in a serious relationship with me. Over the next few months her behavior consistently indicated that she had changed her mind. (For example, I was spending the night at her place 5-6 times per week.)

Instead of making assumptions, I directly brought up the topic in a conversation. I wasn’t about to completely invest myself emotionally in a relationship without some assurance that she saw it as being more serious too.

Ruby said: (#35)
“But why not just be friends, or move on? Because in general, I think it’s harder for women to do the casual thing than it is for men.”

I don’t pretend to know what is in her best interest. I expect her to have a clearer idea about that than I do. She (presumably) decided that a casual relationship benefitted her. We continued to date while it was mutually beneficial.

However, I believe that it was my responsibility to provide her with information so she could make a good decision.

Ruby asked: (#35)
“As far as the woman you were dating goes, was she hurt anyway when you did break it off?”

As best as I can tell, she wasn’t hurt. Either that, or she did an excellent job of concealing it.

We share a social circle, so we still see each other from time-to-time.

I think it would be more polite if he did what I did the last time I decided I wasn’t interested in a serious relationship with a woman.

1. When I decided that I wasn’t interested in a serious relationship, I immediately told her that the relationship wasn’t going to go anywhere in the long-term, but I enjoyed her company in the short-term.

2. I reiterated this a couple of times as we continued to date, to be certain she wasn’t operating under some delusion that I had changed my mind.

3. When I met someone that I was interested in dating long-term, I let her know and broke the relationship off.

But Charlene’s boyfriend didn’t write asking how he could become a more courteous dater. Therefore, Evan’s advice was directed at Charlene, not her ex-boyfriend.

Letta said: (#32)
“We want to know what we can do to get them to be into us or what we are doing wrong to keep them from being into us.  Stop with the stupid, sophmoric ‘in style’ phrases and give us some advice we can USE!”

I doubt you’re the woman that I wasn’t into. But I’ll explain why I wasn’t into her, so you can determine how useful that advice would have been.

This woman was younger than me, and was substantially less mature than the other woman her age I’d dated. She was above average intelligence, but not close enough to my level for me to truly see her as my equal.

What would you recommend that this woman do so I would be “into her”?

In my opinion, there wasn’t a damn thing she could do. And that’s precisely what “He’s just not that into you” communicates. You can’t do a damn thing, so stop trying to find out what you could do differently.

But you don’t want to hear that USEFUL piece of information.