Comments on: Dating Advice: I Like Nerdy Guys, But They Don’t Like Me.

By: Ellen

Ellen — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 13:08:31 +0000

my daughter has Asperger’s (20). She flirts like crazy but has no interest in dating or ever getting married (she says).

By: Kate

Kate — Sat, 05 Nov 2011 23:10:21 +0000

Patti,
Most “nerds” have something called Asperger’s Syndrome which is going to affect how they interact with a girl who asks them out or approaches them. I would recommend reading up on how to date men with Asperger’s. They do make great partners because they are extremely loyal and honest, yet at the same time, they do not always understand how to show affection and respond to proper social cues.

Side note…

Evan,
I just wanted to say that as a young girl with Asperger’s Syndrome, your blog has helped me immensely. In the past, when I liked a guy, I would always end up scaring him off by being socially inappropriate and not picking up on his non verbal cues. I mean, people love me once they get to know me, but naturally, my Asperger’s tends to sabotage the whole ”getting to know me” part because it’s not in my nature to understand how to behave.

However, I have recently read your blog all the way through, and thanks to your advice, I now stand a chance at having a relationship with a boy. If it weren’t for your simple guidelines and wisdom, I would be totally lost. So thank you!

By: mstesty

mstesty — Thu, 07 Jul 2011 14:52:48 +0000

Ok heres the deal with me, I also like these kind of people and recently lucky me he’s interested. I don’t normally go for these types but we get on so well that it kinda works. The first time of course he was worried and also saying i was out of his league but after a few days of chatting he was nervous we met and he was really nervous. I think these guys just are worried because they don’t have really much confidence but if you make them feel at ease they will work on that and thats what happened with me and i can tell you something he knows what to do if you get my meaning. So anyways If i was you i would just try making him feel more at ease and thene he will start to open up and be more open with you. And work from there. It worked for me and we’re happy and tbh i couldn’t careless about my reputation if no one likes it it’s their problem not ours we are quite happy and have an amazing sex life. Just try being more friendly with them i’m sure they will come around eventually i think it’s really mainly for them to feel comfortable and as in an earlier post they do not think that we would like them so much but for me i just made my views clear with him and it worked so good luck and i hoped that helped a bit.

By: Ryan

Ryan — Wed, 05 Jan 2011 05:57:58 +0000

Ok…I am one of said nerds that you seem to be talking about in your question and I think I sense the problem…Many nerdy guys are REALLY shy…we’re Ok online because its anonomous but when it comes to something that may be real we are scared as hell. I know whenever a non-nerd expresses an interest in me(it has happened but I don’t think they meant it) I never do anything because I fear that they are trying to lead me on… If there is any way you could prove you aren’t leading him on and that being socially backward is OK I doubt you would have near as much trouble with this. If we don’t reply to you Don’t Feel Bad we don’t want to hurt you we are just a little (lot) scared.

By: Matt Dating

Matt Dating — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 22:22:36 +0000

Melody it sounds like he has some issues that are in no way related to you as a person. It’s a shame that he is unable to deal with his own insercurities and has obviously hurt your feelings because of that. If you do really like him though, it sounds like, from what you say, that he isn’t the womanizing type, so maybe just give him some time to think it through.

By: melody

melody — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 03:13:35 +0000

Ok not to sound vain, but I do get a lot of attention from guys. But the majority of them just don’t do it for me. I met this guy through another friend (who I met through another friend…). After getting to know him over the couse of a few months I realized I liked him. We ended up dating for a month. We are both in our early/mid 20′s yet he had never had a gf. At first he acted so into me, but then broke up with me because, as he says (still not entirely sure though…), he realized he wasn’t as ready for a relationship as he thought he was. He told me that girls don’t really go for him, and ESPECIALLY not girls like me. He said me liking him was a ‘fluke’. I find that very offensive, because I wasn’t even looking or wanting to date anyone before him. I went out with him BECAUSE I liked him, but because I wanted a boyfriend for the sake of having out.

By: charles

charles — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 00:27:51 +0000

When I was a young lonely nerd, most women who said things to me that sounded like come-ons were just teasing me. At least, that’s what I believe(d). So perhaps one problem here is that, these nerds have been put down by women so much that they don’t believe you. They also tend to miss subtlety / “hints” because they don’t expect women to be interested in them, so they don’t interpret hints as such. Yes, it’s a terrible catch-22 but it’s also a matter of basing expectations on past results (you know, the scientific method!).
Maybe a little more directness and/or some way to show you are sincere would help? They may also be worried that you won’t be interested in anything they are interested in. Nerdy guys tend to be hypersensitive to perceived lack of interest in the person they are talking to; this leads to an embarrassed feeling and they stop talking. (I’m still guilty of this!) An idea: Ask them to explain something they are interested in to you, or bring up your own topic to discuss. Directness and persistence will help, I think. You say that lack of relationship experience is “not the problem”, but actually it is — even if they believe you are sincere, they will shy away for fear of being a disappointment as a result of their inexperience.
I really don’t think there is such a thing as the “friend zone” with guy nerds… usually we are IN the friend zone, not putting others in it. So I can’t imagine that that’s your problem. The problem is, nerds have their own sort of baggage. Positive, sincere encouragement will go a long way, if you are willing to provide it.

By: downtowngal

downtowngal — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 21:54:33 +0000

Roger #19, I wasn’t referring to you, but to guys who remain single into their 40/50′s and set their expectations to high that they won’t date any women who’s less than a 10.

And Sayanta #28, how painful. Guys, another lesson – a women feels uncomfortable if you take her out and don’t order anything, or very little. It’s saying that you don’t really care about sharing your time w her in a meaningful way, and it makes her feel as if she’s being too idulgent/self-concious.

If you’re not as hungry as she is, that’s ok, order something on the light side, but if she’s ordering an entree and you just get a drink or a club soda, it’s unsettling.

By: Sayanta

Sayanta — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 22:14:45 +0000

cool- yeah, Sayanta’s not the name I go by in the non-computer world either.

By: Helen

Helen — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 19:43:08 +0000

Thanks Sayanta! The Science article will come out either next week or the week after. It does no good to look for an author named “Helen,” though – that’s just my blog name. It’s similar to my real name.