When Do You Begin Dating Again After a Long-Term Relationship or Marriage?
Pages: 1 2
Evan,
What are your thoughts of this "timing issue" following a long term marriage, as in when to begin dating again?
Eliza
Dear Eliza,
Sorry to say, but there’s not really a one-size-fits-all answer to this question.
Consider the number of variables involved in answering:
Are there children involved?
Was the divorce amicable and are both parties on good terms?
Are you actively involved in each others’ lives as “friends”?
Do you still want to get back together with your ex? Does he still want to get back together with you?
How long were you married?
How long was the relationship failing before you broke up?
You see how all of these things can radically impact your decision as to when to get back out there? And I don’t know the first thing about you or your individual circumstances.
But I thought it was an important question, which is why I want to analyze it with you.
The only “right” answer is “whenever it feels right, as long as you’re not hurting anybody else”. The thing is: you might be surprised when you’re hurting someone else. Especially since it’s not your intention.
The best example I can provide is from my own life. Had a girlfriend whom I loved. She dumped me pretty suddenly. I was devastated. But what could I do? I couldn’t convince her to take me back, so I did what I do best – I went back online – literally MINUTES after I returned home from the teary breakup.
Now, in some respects, this made sense, in that I wasn’t going wallow in misery and think about what I did wrong or how I could fix things. I made the conscious decision to move on instantly. To me, it was the equivalent of being fired from a job. You don’t sit around for six months waiting to heal. You go out and get another job. On the other hand, there are a completely different set of emotions surrounding a break-up. And while I WANTED to be ready to date, and definitely had the online dating skill set to be ready to date, I was not emotionally ready to date. Not at all. So what did that mean for me?
Well, it pretty much meant that I got back on JDate, found myself a cool girl a few hours later and was hooking up with her shortly thereafter. She was great. Three years later, we’re still friends and grab dinner once a month. But I never gave her the opportunity she deserved to have all of me. I was raw. I was closed. I was needy. I was in no position to be a boyfriend to anyone but my beloved ex-girlfriend. And it was completely unfair to her. My need to move on superseded her need to be with an emotionally available guy….
 |
Why He Disappeared is the smart, strong, successful woman's guide to understanding men. If you want to learn how men think, and rediscover how to have meaningful relationships - all from a man's point of view - click here to learn Why He Disappeared. |
Do You Want to Attract the Partner of Your Dreams?
If so, sign up for my free dating and relationship newsletter and receive my free eBook, The 5 Massive Mistakes You're Making In Your Love Life - And How to Turn Them Around Instantly. Simple and effective advice to jumpstart your love life.
5 Comments »Filed Under Dating
I am nearly always in the mood physically. However as a woman I need and want to...
Super Ways 1
10 Ways to Heal Spiritually from a Breakup….
Divorce can be a difficult thing to go through for some. You may feel like your family is tearing apart and you may find that there are many feelings that you are going to have to come up. There are some suggestions that you will want to do to help you…
jacinta 2
Great blog Evan, I think you are right, you might feel like you want to be in someone elses company, but it´s just not fair on the other person. At the moment I am kind of in that position (on the recieving end) and I am treading carefully and so is the guy, since his 4 year rel ended over xmas, and he is just putting the pieces back together. He told me he wanted only something casual, and so we kind of decided to go our seperate ways, but the problem is that we do like each other, so I kind of threw out there “if u want we can hang out as friends” but whether that is realistic (and whether he is interested in that at all) is another story. For me something casual would be painful, cause its kind of a false distance that you have to know how to manage and maintain. And really, i dont want to sleep with someone, but not be able to call them to talk about our day. Either way, I have decided to back off somewhat and see how things play out.
Lily 3
I have been recovering from an 8 year relationship for the past year and a half. It ended abruptly, and was not my choice. I was blindsided, and very very hurt by the breakup. I thought he was THE ONE. Obviously, he did not. To add insult to injury, a few days later he was in a new relationship with a woman we had known from church. The night he broke us up I asked him if there was someone else, thinking that was the reason he was dumping me, to be with someone else. He lied and said no. Obviously he had her waiting in the wings.We live in a small town, an now he shows up at all the social events we used to attend together with her. It is humiliating. The worst thing is getting over the FANTASY of what I thought my boyfriend and I had- I thought we had a fantastic relationship, great chemistry, amazing compatibility, we really enjoyed each other’s company and created a wonderful life together. I was shocked he wanted it to end. So to answer the question, for me it has taken almost 2 years to recover. I am still not entirely out of the woods yet, had to figure out what I did wrong so I do not repeat history. The main thing I realized is that I need to pay attention to his actions. If after 2 years he has not made a concrete commitment to me, a proposal, living together, etc, i need to walk away because it means he prefers to keep his options open rather than ensure I am his. A VERY HARD LESSON TO LEARN. And obviously our communication SUCKED otherwise I would not have been blindsided but would have seen it coming…
Erica 4
I have known my husband for 16 years been together for 14 and married for 10, he told me that he has not been happy for 5 years and left me and our 3 kids aged 11,8 2 for an 18 year old girl. We have only been separated for a month and they are already living together and making plans for their future, I have been told that he was cheating on me with this girl for months since April 2012 he left me on September 2, 2012. We had our 10 year wedding anniversary on August 31st and I found 2 pictures of them kissing on her camera. My husband just turned 36 this is a little soon for him to be moving on , he asked me last November to marry him again and then this fluzzy comes into our lives pretending to be our friend only to steal him away.
Maria 5
My husband of almost nine years left me for a 53 year od woman when I was 41. That was last year. For those of you who believe in Karma, please don’t, stop. They are perfectly happy, while I am alone, and picking up the pieces and nowwhere near recovery. I haven’t even met anybody. So there you have it.