A Checklist To Determine That He’s Just Not That Into You, Once And For All!

Two years ago, I met a guy online. We quickly found that we had a lot in common and conversation was easy. We don’t live far apart and made general plans to meet up for drinks after he got back from a trip. We kept in contact over the first couple of weeks he was gone, but by the end of this trip, the emails diminished dramatically. I soon found out he began dating a much younger girl (he’s 27, she’s 20, I’m 25) that he had known for a couple of years and was traveling with him. I was upset, but not at him, just the circumstances. We didn’t talk very regularly after that.

Flash forward to two months ago. I heard through the grapevine that he was having some relationship problems and was feeling down. I sent him a message to keep his head up, hoping things got better, out of concern. He soon got back to me and sort of ran me down on what was happening, asking for my thoughts. I gave him my honest “girl interpretation,” as his girlfriend has been dragging him around and couldn’t decide if she wanted to be together. (He’s been trying to win her back but has finally seemed to realize it isn’t going to work, and that he needs to move on.) He’s kept me updated and seemed to appreciate my honesty. We’ve chatted in general, and he almost always initiates the conversation. He even asked if we were going to be at the same event in a few months. I admit that my interest has rekindled, but I have kept my distance and just tried to be a sounding board for him out of respect.

My question is: do you think there’s a possibility for something there between us? With him talking to me about his currently ending relationship, I wasn’t sure if he just saw me as someone to talk with and just a friend or if he wanted to give me a little insight on himself. He told me he will “need time” to get over her and is not one to jump to another relationship quickly, fearing a rebound. That is OK (and admirable) to me. Am I just the nice girl who gives him straight answers? Or do you think this reconnection could lead to something down the line? Thanks for any input!Dyana

Dear Dyana,

If you didn’t write this letter, I would have. Your issue is so epidemic that there should be a book devoted to it. A book that says the same thing over and over and over again until the message becomes crystal-clear and it sears itself on your brain, never to be forgotten. A book called, I don’t know… “He’s Just Not That Into You.”

Self-help books are fascinating for that reason. You read them, you smile, you nod, and everything you read just goes in one ear and out the other. For me, the best example is “The Power of Now”. I “get it” but I don’t live it. Pretty much every woman who writes me on this blog “gets” the concept of “HJNTIY” but doesn’t actually realize when it applies to her that He’s! Just! Not! That! Into! You! You want to know when he IS into you?

Pretty much every woman who writes me on this blog “gets” the concept of “HJNTIY” but doesn’t actually realize when it applies to her that He’s! Just! Not! That! Into! You!

He calls to say, “when can I see you again?”

He reserves plans with you every Friday and Saturday night.

He calls/texts/or emails every single day.

He calls himself your boyfriend.

He wants to make it clear you’re not seeing anyone else.

He sleeps with you regularly.

He talks about a future.

He tells you he loves you.

If you need to print this blog post out as a checklist and tape it to your bathroom mirror to remind yourself how a real boyfriend acts, that’s cool by me. Just please, stop ignoring the list and acting like your distant guy is somehow different than everyone else’s distant guy! Seriously.

The trick isn’t in figuring out how to get an unavailable guy to want you – it’s in finding the available guy who wants you.

Men reveal themselves in their efforts to commit to you.

Anything less, you’re wasting your time.

I have had four clients in the past month who paid $250/hr for the privilege of hearing this same information by phone. Yet the story is always the same. You had a moment of chemistry – you slept together or you didn’t – he said a few nice things to you that you held onto forever – and he went back to pursuing other women. And all you can ask is: does he really like me? Why would he say that nice thing to me two years ago? Why would he sleep with me if he’s not into me? Why would he be calling me regularly if he didn’t care?

Here are the answers to those questions, once and for all.

1) Why did he say that nice thing to me two years ago?

He said that nice thing to you two years ago because he meant it two years ago. “You are extremely beautiful. We have amazing chemistry. You are one of the nicest people I’ve ever met. You’re going to make some guy very happy one day.” He meant all of it. Yet none of it means that he wants you to be his girlfriend.

2) Why would he sleep with me if he’s not into me?

Because you’re there. Because there doesn’t have to be ANY connection between sex and feelings. Which is hard to understand because YOU would never have sex with someone you weren’t attracted to or have feelings for. We would.

3) Why would he be calling me regularly if he didn’t care?

You ever have a nice guy friend who you would never date? Yeah, that’s you. You’re the nice girl who gives him straight answers – not to mention attention, concern, stability, and unconditional love. And he really appreciates it, thanks.

To sum up, Dyana – I only get agitated because it’s SO EASY to figure out where you stand with a guy. And I don’t care if it means that my blog comes to a grinding halt because every woman finally GETS it, and there are no more questions to ask the dating coach… but if you pass this along to a friend, who passes it along to another friend, who passes it along to another friend, you’ll be performing a great service to millions of women who struggle with the same issue.

Men reveal themselves in their efforts to commit to you. Anything less, you’re wasting your time.

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Comments:

  1. 31
    angela

    I agree with #13 and #24. Everyone wants to be the exception. Instead of lookimg at the rule We all have stories about the exception. To me it made things very simple and it was a liberating moment. No more wasted time. Men may say and do a lot of things but it is the followup that counts. Evan, I think one reason many women reject HJNTITY is because if they apply it to the guys they are currently dealing with or recently met. They realize that none of them really are interested. That hope and possibility of a relationship is what many women feed on from one new guy to the next.

  2. 32
    casualencounters.com/blog

    Yeah. And the thing is that if you badger a weak-willed nice guy who is Just Not That Into You into a relationship (it happens – sex and loneliness can lead to some awful decisions), you’ll definitely end up regretting it. Like “wasted years of your life” regret it.
    .-= casualencounters.com/blog´s last blog ..Ashley Madison Review =-.

  3. 33
    Mr_Right

    We should get a “She’s Just Not That Into You” post going. :)

    She’s Just Not That Into You if:

    You call her after your date, then you call her a few days afterward, and she never responds to either message.

    You get the dreaded “handshake of death” as opposed to a warm hug or kiss at the end of your first date.

    You send her a communication through a dating service and she doesn’t respond.

    She takes a very long time to respond to your emails.

    She doesn’t answer the questions posed in your email.

    If she won’t let you walk her to her car.

    If she’s not comfortable holding your hand on the first date.

    If she doesn’t want to kiss you goodnight after a few dates.

    … Geez, I’m noting a theme here.

    Ok fellas, what others can you come up with? :)

  4. 34
    Steve

    @33

    – or you get a drink poured on your head, your face slapped and she calls you a pervert. I miss the personal touch by online dating :)

  5. 35
    Diana

    Dyana’s situation is a classic example of a woman who is speculating and thinking far too much, and she is communicating even less. The reason why something catchy like HJNTIY works is because it not only describes a man’s interest in a nutshell [most of the time], but it provides an instant release valve for the ridiculous pressure and stress that most women put themselves through. Which begs the question? Why do this in the first place!?

    To ask yourself if he will call ~ no biggie, but women allow their emotions, which lead to their thoughts, to drive themselves crazy. When a man senses that a woman would like to hear from him again ~ and has hopefully, verbally communicated this to him rather than expecting him to read her mind ~ but she is centered and in control of her emotions enough to know that if she does not, she will be fine and go about her life as normal, this can sometimes make the man want her even more.

    It IS possible to be interested in seeing someone else again without calling them the very next day or even two days later. You don’t have to already be on cloud nine after the very first date to still be interested in someone. This is just another example of people’s expectations and how they sometimes get in the way.

  6. 36
    downtowngal

    Hey Mr_Right #33,

    I agree w all you say except the holding-hands-on-the-first-date. I know many women (incl myself) are a little shy when first meeting someone. And if it’s a blind date/never met the guy before, just because I may feel apprehensive doesn’t mean I wouldn’t want to have a second date.

  7. 37
    Sam

    I absolutely believe that HJNTIY is a real problem many women have. In some cases it’s so bad that I honestly believe that therapy is a solution. I am totally serious when I believe that this is a condition that should be in the DSM.

    I have a friend (age 28) who hung out with and hooked up with a few times with a guy about a year and a half ago. They were never boyfriend/girlfriend and he stopped communicating with her completely at some point. She excused his neglect of her as “he knows he’s an alcoholic, he’s trying to protect me.” She kept on texting him, calling him, emailing him, but didn’t even get a clue when he unfriended her from MySpace.

    After a year of this the guy breaks his silence and says “I’m sober now. You’re a brat. You are a bore. I want nothing to do with you. Stop contacting me.”

    Her analysis: “He is going through alcohol withdrawl.”

    Whenever I tell her to find someone else she says “You only say that because you like me” or “You sound just like my father.” She asks “why would he spend so much time with me if he didn’t like me?”

    She’s as wrong about me liking her as she is about him liking her, but that’s just an example of how delusional she is.

    I have advised her to get therapy, but all she does is go to Al-Anon. It’s good in a way that she goes to Al-Anon, but it’s a symptom of her problem, since Al-Anon is for _friends_ of alcoholics, and she isn’t his friend.

  8. 38
    Steve

    Evan or anyone else….Is the checklist exactly the same if She’s Just Not That Into You( SJNTIY) or are there some differences?

  9. 39
    Mr_Right

    downtowngal @ 36

    You’re right… I should change that to second date. :)

    And for those of you who say “Well, not even on a second date.”, I say, “Now be honest with yourselves, if there was a guy who you were really into, and he offered to hold hands on the second date because it’s a activity date, you’d hold hands with him, wouldn’t you.” :)

  10. 40
    Curly Girl

    Sam@37: Most women aren’t that bad. But again. I go back to the dread marriage programming that women receive from the day they are born, that a woman’s only real option in life is to find a man to take care of her, and in return she must be doting and loving and put him first. So why shouldn’t she start demonstrating how willing she is to devote herself to him when she first meets him, before he has done anything to deserve her love? I think that many women think this behavior makes them more attractive. He’ll see how loving and giving she is, how devoted she is to him, and that will make him love her. I really do believe that this is the thought process behind that delusional behavior.

    Let’s be honest–if he were into her, this is exactly the way he would want her to behave toward him–to show her love by waiting for him, thinking only of him, acting like a fool for him.

  11. 41
    Lulubell

    Steve #38 – I think the big picture is the same for both sexes – that you are so excited by the other person that you just can’t wait for the next contact. EXCEPT, I still let the guy make the first follow-up call (and sometimes it nearly kills me). But, I take the call, or return the call/text/email ASAP. Anything less than a phone call is just not the right sign to show you are really into someone. The same concept is true for me getting physical, that I will push things a little more if I’m swept away by a guy. The only thing I would caution about, is that it’s best to wait for the next day to ask for another date. I once gave a guy the wrong impression when he asked me out in person, because I could not remember my schedule. He thought I was hesitating about him, but it was just my memory, and then (sadly) it was hard to regain momentum.

  12. 42
    rsl

    The whole HJNTIY issue is one I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. I’m currently in a back and forth situation with someone who, intellectually, I am well aware is just not that into me. However, my heart seems to have a hard time letting go. The issue I have with the whole theory is this: it’s supposed to be so freeing. It’s supposed to make you feel better and stop wondering. BUT… the one thing in my situation that brings me some comfort is telling myself that this man has issues and his “not being into me” as evidenced by his distant behavior is just a part of his issues- that he’s just a full-on jerk. But, when I think about the checklist above, and think that it might just be that he acts that way towards ME because of how he feels about me, it hurts. It’s horribly painful to think that he would readily do all the things on that checklist for some girl that he was into because she somehow was more worthy of his attention than me. I don’t know what the reality is with him- I guess it really doesn’t matter. But I know a lot of girls that feel this way, and therefore don’t find the theory all that freeing, because it still places the blame, or the problem, on us- as the object he is not into. Maybe I misunderstand the theory- but that’s the difficulty I am having with it. It presupposes that every person is totally emotionally healthy and able to easily complete that checklist, so long as they deem the other person worthy. And believe me- I know I shouldn’t be pining after someone who isn’t capable of a relationship anyway, but that’s a whole different issue. :)

  13. 43
    Angela

    Diana you have hit the nail on the head. And its all about timing. You can meet someone who for whatever reason IJNTITY and you sense it and move on with your life. You may encounter that person at some point later on and it could happen. The thing is you do not waste your time speculating why. I still say it is so liberating, so easy. No second guessing. But to buy into it you have to really accept the premise and you don’t have to be cynical either. It becomes so matter a fact. But you really have to feel good about yourself. You know what you deserve and want and you do not settle for less.

  14. 44
    Steve

    @rsl #42

    HIJNTIY is not about blame, it is about common sense. You look at what is going on, you ask yourself if you are getting what you want, if the answer is “no” you move on to get what you want. Its about getting what you want and being realistic. Motivation doesn’t matter. If a wo/man ( applies to both sexes ) is messed up or not, past a certain, if you are not getting behavior out of them you want, you aren’t going to get it or at least anytime soon. Plenty of fish in the sea, it makes more sense to go get what you want from someone else.

  15. 45
    downtowngal

    rsl brings up a good point – many women tend to blame themselves for things. Most families have at least one ‘old fashioned’-thinking elderly relative who would say to the girl that there’s something she did wrong or didn’t do enough of to attract the guy. And if she did then he’d be into her.

    Some ‘experts’ have said similar things on news shows when political sex scandals broke out (he strayed because he wasn’t getting something @ home…).

    I don’t buy into any of this, just explaining why so many women would go against HJNITY common-sense.

  16. 46
    downtowngal

    I also think that Dyana’s letter is more about asking how to let this guy know she’s intersted. Evan had a similar post about a woman who had a lt platonic friendship with a guy but developed feelings for him.

  17. 47
    Janet

    The way our poster is acting isn’t that different from the way men act in a dating situation, but the context is a little different. Remember that old dating adage that when a women says no to sex, she really means yes but is too scared/shy/coy to say so? And there was a big push during the enlightenment about sexual harassment (1990s) that no really means no? Well, women get taught a similar thing, that when a man says no to relationship that he really means yes but is too scared/shy/coy to say so.

    In the first case the oft-used guy response to a woman’s no was “your words say no, but your body says yes.” Meaning, he was reading her body language, which might have suggested arousal or flirtation, and took that as a go signal. (Men are taught that in a seduction what he thinks is happening is more important than what she thinks or says is happening, too.) In the HJNTIY situation the guy’s behavior is just as confusing to the woman as hers is to him in the previous scenario–in the woman’s world he is in many ways saying yes to relationship–having sex with her, calling her for intimate chats, sharing details of his emotional life with her. In female terms, this is intimacy, and why would a guy engage in intimate things with a woman if he doesn’t want a relationship with her?

    In both situations the respective genders are taught ways to “get around” the other person’s ambivalence.

    Like men need to learn that a verbal “no means no,” even if she is demonstrating some interest in sex, women need to learn that a behavioral “no means no,” even if he is demonstrating some interest in relationship. Ambivalence usually means no.

  18. 48
    Selena

    @rsl #42

    The best way to look at JNTIY is to apply it to yourself. Surely over the years there have been guys you’ve known/went out with who “just didn’t do it for you”, yes? In some cases, maybe there was something glaring wrong with the guy, in others they were perfectly nice but just not for you in terms of physical or personality attraction – whatever, the “spark” wasn’t there. Do you think every guy you weren’t really interested in should blame himself in some way? Should be hurt because YOU could feel more for some other guy than you could for him?

    When we a highly attracted to someone it can be hard to accept that it’s one sided. We hang onto every little crumb of attention and try to make it *mean* something. That’s were the self-delusion comes in.

    JNTIY IS freeing when you understand it works both ways: there are people YOU just aren’t that into either. Just happens that way. Until….it doesn’t…and you find that happy connection where the interest level is mutual.

  19. 49
    Steve

    @45

    I don’t think that is the most reasonable way to look at it.

    It is not about “fault” as in a moral wrong. It is about wanting something and learning what you can do to get it.

    Getting anything you want involves a trial, feedback, and adjustment cycle(s). Recognizing what is not working for getting you what you want is part of the process of getting what you want.

    That is ONLY what HIJNTIY about. You want a boyfriend, Joe Blow IJNTIY, you aren’t getting a BF in Joe Blow, to get what you want you recognize this and move on to somebody else to find what you want.

    Thats it. Guilt, fault, being morally wrong is something that individuals drag into it of their accord.

  20. 50
    Diana

    To rsl #42 ~ I have had similar thoughts about how HJNTIY could be perceived as “really” saying, “Hey, no offense, but I’m just not that into you, so something must be wrong with you cus hey, I’m really into this “other” girl.” Give me a break!

    I guess I haven’t had my morning fuel yet, but personally, I have had about a belly full of reading countless articles, blogs, etc. with everything so focused on things like, “What women need to know to keep their man,” “How women can keep him attracted to her forever,” “How to make him think he can’t live without you,” or whatever. It can create this feeling in some women that they’re not good enough, that their relationship failed because they told the man what they “thought” rather than what they “felt,” and if they DID tell him how they felt, they forgot to give him the emotional space to go process his emotional response to her feelings, and then hope that he would return and validate and emotionally connect with her about her concerns.

    There’s good scientific reasons behind some of this. The whole “Mars/Venus” series is fascinating and does tell it like it is, whether we like it or not, and that sometimes includes me. :)

    But with HJNTIY, please, do yourself a favor … be kinder to yourself. Maybe he’s not into you as much as another woman because she has lower standards, or maybe he has such low self esteem that he can’t believe a woman with your caliber would actually LIKE him, or maybe he’s not really into “anyone” because he’s too in love with himself. Who knows, and who cares!

    Be strong, stay focused on your needs, wants, and what makes you happy; be whole as a person; be caring and kind, polite and interesting to those you meet, try to have fun on some level during the time that you are together, then go home, relax, and let events unfold as they may.

  21. 51
    Curious

    Steve@49: I don’t think DTG is saying anything about morals. She’s saying that the woman take on the responsibility for his not being into her. And she’s right—all sorts of people and experts out there are telling the girl that if he’s not into you that it’s because you didn’t do something rigth, that you aren’t pretty enough, that you should be this way or that way and then you’ll get the guy. Why do you think the big consumers of dating advice are women? They’re tyring to get “fixed” so that they can have a relationship. Wouldn’t need to be fixed if they weren’t broken. Now where are they getting the idea from that they’re broken? And if you think that the only reason you aren’t getting the guy is because you did something wrong or you aren’t the way you need to be, you’ll jump through hoops to change and to be more alluring and just keep trying and trying.

    Pathetic, maybe, but not a moral thing.

  22. 52
    Cilla

    @ Diana #50 @ Curious #51

    I agree. Well said, both of you.

  23. 53
    girl-with-glasses

    @49

    Steve, that’s a very logical point of view. As practical and workable as it is in real life, it doesn’t seem to take with most women though. Most women seem to live in their heads alot, i.e. they can happily have a relationship all in their heads, with themselves. Maybe, she’s actually attached to the long painfully drawn out ‘drama’, the emotional push-and-pull she’s doing to herself becomes addicting. ‘He’s just not that into you’ might be a nifty marketing concept, the sad depressing thought is that even if he were into her, would she be even capable of having a healthy relationship? Women like that seem to be attached to their own ideas of what a relationship is, rather than anything real or workable. Or to put it in another way, what can she possibly know of him as a person in his own right, when all she really knows is how he makes her feel? Yes, it’s friday, and I have an extra dose of depression and b*tch. Sorry.

  24. 54
    Selena

    @Angela #53
    – “I do not care how smart, goodlooking or whatever the guy is. It is a real turn off if he doesn’t want you. That’s were I am at. And it feels good!!!!”

    I’m with you.

    But for some women it seems for them, the turn on is the challenge of a guy who doesn’t really want them. If he’s “hard to get” that makes him worth more somehow. I think that may factor into how some women get stuck in these situations repeatedly.

  25. 55
    Steve

    @54

    LOL @ your closing line. It is funny that everyone is assumed to be grumpy on Monday and happy on Friday. I usually feel refreshed from the weekend, if only mentally, on Monday. A few years ago I was riding up a *HIGH* escalator from the metro. I was listening to a gay couple behind me talk. I almost lost it when on of them in a cliche “flamer” voice said:

    ” You can just tell its Friday. Everybody has that GO TO HELL! Look on their faces!.”

    About your other points. Like I wrote, it isn’t about blame, deficiency or default. Its about what a person wants. If the type of women you mentioned want to stop feeling crushed then they have to give up their addiction to drama, stop ignoring their common sense and apply HIJNTIY.

    Like many people with a substance abuse problem or a bad habit, they may not want to give up their habits. If that is the case and if they want to be happier then they need therapy versus dating advice.

  26. 56
    Cilla

    @ Selena

    Most psychologists/psychiatrists seem to agree that women who are repeatedly attracted to “hard to get” men or emotionally unavailable men had unavailable men in leadership roles earlier in their lives–father, brother, coach, etc. Their theory is that most people (and these women are a prime example) are trying to fix something from their past by dating someone who allows them to repeat that situation, as if this time they’ll finally get it right, and the other person will undergo some type of transformation.

    I bet many women don’t change this pattern because they don’t recognize its roots. Once you finally say “OMG, my last four relationships were with guys who made me feel just like my dad did,” a light bulb goes off. It’s tough, because even when you understand the issue intellectually, you still have to deal with complicated emotions and habits that may have been around since childhood.

  27. 57
    Shalini

    I would agree with what Evan says..

    I have experienced the disadvantages of ignoring my instinct and trying to find reasons to believe that the guy i am attracted to loves me. It never works.

    It does not mean that he is bad or does not like me.. But if he does not think that i am the girl he wants as his girl friend, its pointless to wait. No one said you should be rude to a person or ignore him if “he is just not that into you”. No one said that makes a guy a jerk. But waiting for a guy and hoping he would someday find you attractive is not very attractive to that guy.

    And to Ruby, I would like to say maybe the girl you were talking about didn’t expect him to be his boy friend while he was dating someone else.. For her it was natural. When they met again it might have just happened. I can be sure she wasn’t waiting for that guy to return to her!!!

    But if you are waiting to that guy to want to be your boy friend, its better not to contact each other!! It does not help anything. In fact if you like a guy and he does not feel the same. You would most probably go out of your way to be helpful to him, to please him. And that makes you act like a doormat. If you know you would do that its better to save your dignity by not being friends at all. (I agree there are girls who might actually do the opposite and become totally rude and angry at the guy but that’s rare, and even thats not healthy).

  28. 58
    angela

    It is irrelevant why a person is not into you. That is the basis for it being so liberating! You have to feel that you are worthy of being treated well. Blame has no place in HJNTITY. I do not even try to figure out the why. Doing that is where excuses come from and women start to beat themselves up. Also, the person doesn’t have to be bad overall. They treat you poorly, because they do not really care about you and treat someone else great because they do care. WOMEN HAVE TO START REALIZING THAT PART OF DESIRING SOMEONE IS THAT THEY WANT AND ADORE YOU! That is a major part of the attraction equation. I do not care how smart, good looking or whatever the guy is. It is a real turn off if he doesn’t want you. That’s where I am at. And it feels good!!!!

  29. 59
    Melissa

    MrRight wrote: “If she doesn’t want to kiss you goodnight after a few dates.”

    I don’t think guys should ever put to much emphasis on whether or not a girl kisses a guy on a first date.

    I kiss EVERY guy on a first date PURELY as a measure of whether or not I want to continue dating him. In fact, I’ll usually be more in a rush to kiss a guy I’m on the fence about because if I’m not 100% crazy about his personality, he can score a few points and be worth a 2nd date if he’s a really good kisser.

    So don’t invest too much in how long a girl waits to kiss you, and don’t think she’s really into you if she kissed you on the 1st date… she could have just been testing the waters like I do ;-)

  30. 60
    Selena

    Guys, you are better off dating Melissa than me.

    I don’t kiss guys I’m not into on the first date; I give the “dreaded handshake of death”. LOL.

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