A Checklist To Determine That He’s Just Not That Into You, Once And For All!

Two years ago, I met a guy online. We quickly found that we had a lot in common and conversation was easy. We don’t live far apart and made general plans to meet up for drinks after he got back from a trip. We kept in contact over the first couple of weeks he was gone, but by the end of this trip, the emails diminished dramatically. I soon found out he began dating a much younger girl (he’s 27, she’s 20, I’m 25) that he had known for a couple of years and was traveling with him. I was upset, but not at him, just the circumstances. We didn’t talk very regularly after that.

Flash forward to two months ago. I heard through the grapevine that he was having some relationship problems and was feeling down. I sent him a message to keep his head up, hoping things got better, out of concern. He soon got back to me and sort of ran me down on what was happening, asking for my thoughts. I gave him my honest “girl interpretation,” as his girlfriend has been dragging him around and couldn’t decide if she wanted to be together. (He’s been trying to win her back but has finally seemed to realize it isn’t going to work, and that he needs to move on.) He’s kept me updated and seemed to appreciate my honesty. We’ve chatted in general, and he almost always initiates the conversation. He even asked if we were going to be at the same event in a few months. I admit that my interest has rekindled, but I have kept my distance and just tried to be a sounding board for him out of respect.

My question is: do you think there’s a possibility for something there between us? With him talking to me about his currently ending relationship, I wasn’t sure if he just saw me as someone to talk with and just a friend or if he wanted to give me a little insight on himself. He told me he will “need time” to get over her and is not one to jump to another relationship quickly, fearing a rebound. That is OK (and admirable) to me. Am I just the nice girl who gives him straight answers? Or do you think this reconnection could lead to something down the line? Thanks for any input!Dyana

Dear Dyana,

If you didn’t write this letter, I would have. Your issue is so epidemic that there should be a book devoted to it. A book that says the same thing over and over and over again until the message becomes crystal-clear and it sears itself on your brain, never to be forgotten. A book called, I don’t know… “He’s Just Not That Into You.”

Self-help books are fascinating for that reason. You read them, you smile, you nod, and everything you read just goes in one ear and out the other. For me, the best example is “The Power of Now”. I “get it” but I don’t live it. Pretty much every woman who writes me on this blog “gets” the concept of “HJNTIY” but doesn’t actually realize when it applies to her that He’s! Just! Not! That! Into! You! You want to know when he IS into you?

Pretty much every woman who writes me on this blog “gets” the concept of “HJNTIY” but doesn’t actually realize when it applies to her that He’s! Just! Not! That! Into! You!

He calls to say, “when can I see you again?”

He reserves plans with you every Friday and Saturday night.

He calls/texts/or emails every single day.

He calls himself your boyfriend.

He wants to make it clear you’re not seeing anyone else.

He sleeps with you regularly.

He talks about a future.

He tells you he loves you.

If you need to print this blog post out as a checklist and tape it to your bathroom mirror to remind yourself how a real boyfriend acts, that’s cool by me. Just please, stop ignoring the list and acting like your distant guy is somehow different than everyone else’s distant guy! Seriously.

The trick isn’t in figuring out how to get an unavailable guy to want you – it’s in finding the available guy who wants you.

Men reveal themselves in their efforts to commit to you.

Anything less, you’re wasting your time.

I have had four clients in the past month who paid $250/hr for the privilege of hearing this same information by phone. Yet the story is always the same. You had a moment of chemistry – you slept together or you didn’t – he said a few nice things to you that you held onto forever – and he went back to pursuing other women. And all you can ask is: does he really like me? Why would he say that nice thing to me two years ago? Why would he sleep with me if he’s not into me? Why would he be calling me regularly if he didn’t care?

Here are the answers to those questions, once and for all.

1) Why did he say that nice thing to me two years ago?

He said that nice thing to you two years ago because he meant it two years ago. “You are extremely beautiful. We have amazing chemistry. You are one of the nicest people I’ve ever met. You’re going to make some guy very happy one day.” He meant all of it. Yet none of it means that he wants you to be his girlfriend.

2) Why would he sleep with me if he’s not into me?

Because you’re there. Because there doesn’t have to be ANY connection between sex and feelings. Which is hard to understand because YOU would never have sex with someone you weren’t attracted to or have feelings for. We would.

3) Why would he be calling me regularly if he didn’t care?

You ever have a nice guy friend who you would never date? Yeah, that’s you. You’re the nice girl who gives him straight answers – not to mention attention, concern, stability, and unconditional love. And he really appreciates it, thanks.

To sum up, Dyana – I only get agitated because it’s SO EASY to figure out where you stand with a guy. And I don’t care if it means that my blog comes to a grinding halt because every woman finally GETS it, and there are no more questions to ask the dating coach… but if you pass this along to a friend, who passes it along to another friend, who passes it along to another friend, you’ll be performing a great service to millions of women who struggle with the same issue.

Men reveal themselves in their efforts to commit to you. Anything less, you’re wasting your time.

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Comments:

  1. 61
    Steve

    Lulubell@41

    It sounds like you have your act together. You say that “I take the call, or return the call/text/email ASAP” after the guy’s first follow-up call and my question to you is at what point(e.g.after what date) do you initiate a call to the guy without waiting for him to call first? Also, what do you conclude if a woman is saying “let’s take it slow”, meaning nothing physical at the 4th date mark and still saying so at the 7th date? Anyone else who wants to respond to any of this is welcome.

  2. 62
    downtowngal

    Curious #51, thx for explaining. With all of the advice out there, it seems women are presented w mixed messages. Repeatedly turned down for dates? Have a dating coach call and solicit feedback so you can work on that one thing that turns guys off. Been dumped for the 5th time? find out why you keep attracting/dating the same type of guy.

    Or those books that say, “why men marry certain TYPES of women but not others”, after you’ve just broken up w a guy who shares your values/goals/chemistry but jerked you around and the he ends up engaged 3 months later to someone who’s not of the same caliber (to put it nicely).

    Of course, sometimes you do everything right but you’re still single. But how do you know? The danger is that you can use HJNTIY as an excuse not to work on yourself.

  3. 63
    downtowngal

    Steve #61, I never initiate a call to a guy after a date. I used to do that, thinking, ‘oh, he may be shy/busy/not sure how I feel’ and it’s never worked. Either the guy really wasn’t into me and I end up w an awkward, “sorry I didn’t feel a click” email or he feels like a loser because he realizes he should have been the one to call and it goes nowhere from there.

    It’s always been a better experience when the guy calls afterwards. Shows he’s truly interested in me and thinks I’m worth pursuing (women get turned on by this). And if I’m into him I’ll call him back as soon as I can.

    As for a woman saying, ‘i want to take it slow’ it depends on what she means. Kissing? Intercourse? I like to get to know someone before I become physical, but by the 2nd or 3rd date if I don’t at least feel as if I want to kiss him – or if we kiss but I don’t feel chemistry – it’s not happening.

  4. 64
    Evan Marc Katz

    Well said, Downtown. At this moment, I’m finishing the first draft of my new eBook, “Why He Disappeared”, which gives the answer to the most popular question I get on this blog.

    For women who are not content with HJNITY and want to know WHY, I hope it will be a useful resource.

  5. 65
    Steve

    FYI

    There are now two ‘Steve’s posting in the comments. I am the original.
    Probably more handsome too. I will go back to putting the chooseveg.com url into the comment form so you can tell us apart.

  6. 66
    Adele

    @diana post #35:
    “It IS possible to be interested in seeing someone else again without calling them the very next day or even two days later. You don’t have to already be on cloud nine after the very first date to still be interested in someone. This is just another example of people’s expectations and how they sometimes get in the way.”

    I have to agree, I have to share my experience of what some might have read as a “HJNTIY” with my bf whom I met through an online dating website and we’ve now been together for nearly 2 years. After we first met up after 3 weeks of emailing each other, I felt the attraction and the “sparks” but didn’t hear from him a week later, but he would always ring within a week for follow up dates. He never rang “the next day or the second day after the date” as I was expecting if he was “into me”. This went on for almost 3 months and I was wondering what to do, until one day I cancelled a date with him as someone else (one that I met through a group of friends and not online) started to ask me out, and since we weren’t exclusive (though in my heart I wanted us to be) I decided to give other guys a go. This was the crunch factor cos he suddenly got really anxious, demanded that we meet up to have the ‘talk’, where he then expressed that he wanted to take it slowly and was building it up, and now that someone else was trying to work their way in he was pissed off. He then went on to say he really would like to be exclusive with me, and we started going out exclusively then. A month after that ‘talk’ he then told me he loved me, and we’ve been together from that time on till now.

    So, my conclusion is that each and every one’s dating experience is a little different, and we shouldn’t conform our expectations to just because our object of affection did not return our calls or reschedule straight away after the date, do not think HJNTIY. wait and see, if not, send a text, or a call. ONCE OR TWICE. BUT DO NOT BE THE DOORMAT. And obviously, if no response or action after the one or two calls or texts…face the obvious: HJNTIY.

  7. 67
    downtowngal

    Adele#66, great story. Seems that what you did was kept youself open to meeting other guys, which woke this one up and made him realize what he could be potentially missing. And you weren’t playing games, you just went w your gut.

    Not to be a buzzkill but I wonder where you and your guy would be if the other guy didn’t come into the picture.

  8. 68
    matt

    I think Evan has some great advice here on this topic. However there have been times when I have been really into somebody, and I do not make a move. chalk it up to really knowing on an unconscious, intuitive level that I can tell my efforts would not be successful because I’m already intuiting where the other is in relation to my interest, or also I’m just a little more cautious. calling and
    Texting everyday? “sure I’m into you babe, but I’m not going to act desperate,” I suppose some people would be this obvious and persistent about the person their into, but it’s not typical behavior for a man as species as a whole is it??, ( and some writers in this blog would say a shy man would be this outwardly obvious in concrete exhibited behaviors toward someone their really into??? wow what a turn around!) I’m not saying to keep thinking there is hope if there are no overtures coming your way from your love interest, becuz like Evan said, so much of that rationalization is wishful thinking. But just because I want someone so bad doesn’t mean I’m out there being black and white about it either.

  9. 69
    Angela

    I do not necessarily have to be called daily in the beginning, but with some regularity. I can just tell if someone is really trying to connect with me and when they just are just seeing what they can get. There is an energy or vibe. And it has to be sustained over a period of time. Now if you are someone that gets intimate too early, you may have a problem. Some guys will pursue you hard initially just for sex.

  10. 70
    downtowngal

    Adding to that, Adele, I was in a similar situation at first, I liked the guy, we connected but he didn’t seem to be making much effort, which I interpreted as mixed messages. And because I liked him I figured, oh, just take it slow. Friends advised me to ‘give him his space’ while being open to dating others, which I did. I ended up dating somene else but all guy#1 did was ‘wish me luck’. Turns out he’d been dating someone else on the side all along.

    In other words, HJW into me. Had I stuck more to that rule of thumb it would have ended sooner and saved me a coiuple months’ emotional roller coaster ride.

  11. 71
    Shalini

    Steve,

    This the answer to ur 61st post.

    I think the time does not matter at all. After what number of dates i start calling him without waiting for him or even how long i wait for sex. If i feel he really wants to be my boyfriend it might happen at the second date. And if i don’t feel is that into me it might take 3 months and i still won’t feel like calling him first or let him touch me even!!!!

    My comfort level depends entirly on how much he likes me, and whether or not a guy wants me to be his girl friend. I can just feel it,

  12. 72
    Shalini

    Steve
    oh.. by the way one more thing.. it also matter whther or not i feel the same about that guy.. But if i like him and he does not then i will not want to be more than friends.

  13. 73
    Casey

    Bella @ #27

    “Also remember: Even if someone is genuinely into you, they might not be into having a relationship. Not everyone is focused on finding the one at the same time and place that you are. So if you feel like there is chemistry, you may be right! However, they just might not have any desire (or ability) to build off of that and develop more.”

    Sadly, this is what happened in my most recent relationship. He was doing everything on Evan’s checklist, and then a few months into the relationship, he suddenly decides he’s not ready for a relationship, his previous relationship having ended about 8 months before we started dating. To be honest, I wasn’t even sure I was ready for a serious relationship…that is until I met him.

    He told me he had dated quite a number of people in that time, but no one he was really interested in going out with again. That is, until he met me. But, having been in his previous relationship for 16 years, and even having as much chemistry as we do, he realized he’s just not ready to get serious with someone right now. I believe him and appreciate his honesty. But, still…for me this is the hardest type of situation to get over…I can accept HJNTITY because I don’t expect every man to be into me, but to have him be so into me but suddenly decide he’s not ready for a relationship is worse.

    Of course, it will only be made worse when, in a few weeks, I find out he met and moved in with some woman…’cause that is the way this type of situation always goes.

  14. 74
    mic

    The replies seemed to have missed the mark. Pictures > words. If he hasn’t seen her for a while, her appearance probably isn’t on his mind much. If she looks about as good as she did then, which is no sure thing, his interest likely will go up once he sees her. Very likely, that is why he wants to know if they will be at the same event. If they both use Gmail, a sneaky tactic is for her to upload a picture that appears when he clicks on her name in the Contacts list.

  15. 75
    hunter

    Many men, lack zeal/are not attracted to/don’t get erections, to help them select a woman. More commonly defined as timidness, shy, HJNTIY, etc…….

  16. 76
    Adele

    downtowngal#70,

    to answer yr question about what would have happened if the other guy (let’s call him A) didn’t show up, at that time after 3 months of “weekly dating” I had contemplated sitting my bf (let’s call him B) down and asked where did he see us going, if anywhere. I would have discussed honestly with him that up till then I (on my part) had been seeing him exclusively, but if he didn’t see us going somewhere I would then start seeing other people. And I would’ve known from his response whether or not he was interested. (ie if HNTIY he would’ve responded like guy#1 in yr post) And if he was, he would’ve reacted like I hoped him to…(which he did, thank goodness!). My point is, either way from the talk I would know from his reply.

    Turned out A popped up at the right time, so I decided to just go ahead (without the talk) and start giving other guys a chance (though my heart still wanted A). And if he cared, he would show…in his actions. If he didn’t, then at least I had my answer – to cut off my heartstrings.

  17. 77
    Adele

    sorry i meant : (though my heart still wanted B)

  18. 78
    Angela

    #48 and #57 – You are both so right!!!!!

  19. 79
    Shalini

    Angela

    thanks. :)

  20. 80
    Ruby

    Adele #76

    I’m assuming you told your BF that you were canceling plans with him to go out with someone else?

    #66 & #70. Interesting how two similar situations led to two different outcomes. I do think you often have to put a bit of time into a relationship to know if it’s going to move forward or not. Sounds like Adele had a reasonable time frame in mind (and Downtown Girl did too).

  21. 81
    Ruby

    Shalini #57

    No, in none of the half dozen or so instances I can think of, did the woman (in one instance it was a guy) “wait” around for the other person. But they did stay in contact, and I would say each did continue to have a romantic interest in the other person. Timing certainly played a part, and sometimes years passed before they got back together.

  22. 82
    Shalini

    Ruby..

    Yes, that’s what the whole thing is about. Its not very difficult to be just friends with a guy i like!! But this article is meant for a situation where the girl is still looking forward to something more. And its really difficult to handle such situation for a girl who is in the situation.

    Its better for such a person to end contact if she cannot stop hoping for more than friendship.

  23. 83
    Karl R

    Ruby said: (#81)
    “I would say each [woman] did continue to have a romantic interest in the other person.”
    Shallini said: (#82)
    “this article is meant for a situation where the girl is still looking forward to something more.”

    I think you’ve spelled out the critical difference. It’s fine to want a romantic relationship with someone who isn’t that into you. But you start having problems if you expect something more will happen, and it starts affecting your decisions.

    I can think of a couple women whom I’d like a relationship with, but they’re not available. In one case I dated the lady for a month before she decided she wasn’t able to commit to an exclusive relationship. In the other case, I asked the lady out, but she was seeing someone else.

    I treated both those responses as “she’s just not that interested in me.” In both cases there’s obvious chemistry and compatability. But by taking the perspective that these ladies aren’t into me, I prevent myself from getting stuck in either the past or the future.

    Did the relationship with the first lady fail because I started dating her too soon after her breakup? It doesn’t matter. If I assume that she’s not that into me, I won’t waste time speculating about what I could have (or should have) done differently.

    Will the second lady break up with her boyfriend and be interested in dating me? It doesn’t matter. If I assume that she’s not that into me, I won’t waste time waiting for an opportunity that may never occur.

    I can want a relationship with both of them. I just can’t seek a relationship with someone who isn’t interested in a relationship with me right now.

  24. 84
    Mikko Kemppe

    I agree with Evan. For us guys the signs are often pretty clear and easy to interpret when we are not into or ready to have a serious relationship with a particular women.

    What I think makes them often harder for women to interpret is that women often intuitively approach dating very differently. For women whether you are into a guy is not often so clear cut. You often go through a much more complicated process of determining whether you want to be with a particular guy or not, and even after you are in a committed relationships you understand very well how your feelings may often fluctuate.

    And since you intuitively approach dating differently then makes, no matter how much you would understand the concept of HJNTIY, knowing when a guy is into you or not much more difficult.
    .-= Mikko Kemppe´s last blog ..A BIG Mistake Many, Especially Honest, Women Unknowingly Make on a Date and How to Avoid It. =-.

  25. 85
    Steve

    downtowngal@63

    If you never initiate a call to a guy who you know is interested in you, how is he to know your interested in him? Let’s say by the 6th or 7th date you don’t initiate an email or call to him, and also tell him “let’s take it slow” meaning no intercourse(you asked), why should he still date you?

  26. 86
    Angela

    Women generally know very soon whether they are into a guy or not. There are times when you decide to give the guy or the situation a chance. Maybe because he is nice or treats you well or has a certain status. However, 8 times out of 10, you do not change your mind.

  27. 87
    angela

    I rarely initiate calls to men in the beginning but when they call , if I like them I am excite to speak with them and it comes across on the phone. Also , in person the chemistry is obvious. If the guy is really into you they will continue to pursue you.

  28. 88
    Shalini

    Karl R #83

    You really explained it. That’s what i wanted to to say!!! Its futile to give reasons about why someone might not feel for you. It does not matter what the reason is, you can’t change his decision unless he wants to.

    You should keep it in mind that a relationship is not just about you. It’s about the other person as well. And his reasons to not feel attracted to you does not matter because you can’t change his feelings.

    So why worry about something you can’t change?

  29. 89
    Steve

    angelina@87

    How soon do you know if “your into a guy” e.g.
    10 minutes, 15 minutes, 1day, more than that? You say the chemistry is obvious in person. Could you be more specific? Plus you say “I rarely initiate calls to men in the beginning” which says that sometimes you do but it’s rare, so under what rare circumstance do you initiate a call or even an email?

  30. 90
    Jennifer

    @Steve #65- thanks for clearing that up. The tone of the comments was definitely different!

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