Are Smart, Strong, Successful Women Too Busy For Love?

Dear Evan,

It’s been enlightening to read your blog. I’ve been paying more attention to social situations now, including my own. I have a general question based on my recent observations.

I went to many parties during the holiday season. I met smart, strong, successful single women at all of these events. It struck me recently that all of these women give off a vibe that is similar. I am also more in tune with my intuition at this point in my life. That intuition further tells me that these women are all on a similar path. It is as follows:

They are 36 to 44, give or take. They are single and childless. They have put a lot into their careers. They are in a comfortable space with their work, family, friends, and their leisure time. They seem to be vaguely open to a relationship: they get out there to socialize occasionally, but family, friends and hobbies take up most of their free time. I get the feeling that a guy has really got to fit into that space so that it is convenient to them, or that a guy has to excite them and fit all their checklist criteria before they are interested in dating.

I don’t want to group all women like this. It’s just what I am seeing. So is my perception off?

If my assessment is correct, then based on your blog, I should not make much effort here, because this type of woman does not deem a relationship to be a priority. Or maybe I should try to shake things up. If so, should I flirt and do some sophisticated version of what those seduction community coaches teach? I’ve tried that before, and the more tasteful approaches do lower a woman’s guard, but it has never led anywhere in the end anyway.

What do you think? –Dan

I think, Dan, that you hit the nail on the head.

And you’ve just arrived at the primary problem that my clients have when it comes to forging successful long-term relationships: they don’t want anything to change.

Nothing you wrote is insulting or demeaning or patronizing.

It’s just a normal guy’s observation about the women that he’s been meeting.

Not every woman is this way, of course, but almost ALL of my clients could meet your description:

36 to 44. Single and childless. Put a lot into their careers. Comfortable with their work, family, friends, and leisure time. Vaguely open to a relationship. Get out there to socialize occasionally, but family, friends and hobbies take up most of their free time.

But that’s just a demographic description of smart, strong, successful women.

This line is the real kicker:

I get the feeling that a guy has really got to fit into that space so that it is convenient to them, or that a guy has to excite them and fit all their checklist criteria before they are interested in dating.

Ding, ding, ding!

And you’ve just arrived at the primary problem that my clients have when it comes to forging successful long-term relationships; they don’t want anything to change.

They want the exact same life that they had previously, just with a man thrown in there for good measure. Perhaps she can squeeze him in between her triathlon training and her business trip to London, but wait, I’m sorry, my cell phone’s breaking up… I’ll call you back from the office tomorrow….

Understand, these are amazing women. I have tremendous respect for them and know that without them, I don’t even have a business.

You don’t meet Mr. Right and suddenly rearrange your life to accommodate him. You rearrange your life in order to date enough men to meet Mr. Right.

At the same time, the onus isn’t on you, Dan, to become a master seducer to jolt these women out of their orbit with some cocky/funny pickup artistry.

The onus is on these women to understand this fact:

You don’t make time FOR a man. You make time to FIND a man.

You don’t meet Mr. Right and suddenly rearrange your life to accommodate him. You rearrange your life in order to date enough men to meet Mr. Right.

I’m not saying that there’s nothing better you can do, Dan, to be a more effective flirt. Everyone can stand to improve in most aspects of his/her life. And a little charisma and edge never hurt a nice guy, that’s for sure.

And I’m not saying that there’s something fundamentally flawed about all the women who build up rich single lives because they can’t depend on the presence of a man.

I’m just saying that your observation is correct, and I can only hope that the women who feel indicted by this post take a deep breath before venting on me.

You’re not bad for being a strong, working woman. You’re impressive and admirable and powerful and all of those adjectives that successful women like to call each other.

Just understand that most guys aren’t going to climb your Ivory Tower to release you.

They’re simply going to find a house with an open door and walk right in.

2
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Comments:

  1. 61
    Janet

    Nathan 55: You are so cool.

    Karl R: Exactly.

    Soul 59: So, this dropping out of your professional life worked? We’re waiting for the punchline. We know you feel good about your decision and are advocating that others follow suit. But you don’t have a boyfriend, and you don’t have a job now, either.

  2. 62
    Ruby

    Soul #59

    < “just as easily set the time of your dates as you can the time of your workouts”. If you do that, you are not making time, you are trying to fit the guy into YOUR schedule;>>

    I disagree. We all do have schedules and lives, and we have to accommodate each other. I don’t think we women can, or should, always be completely available whenever a man wants to see us. Not practical, or desirable, for most of us. For cripes sake, even the The Rules dating bible told women not to make themselves always available to men. 

    < < There ARE double standards. It is not fair, but it is what is. Get over it (or fight it, but don’t pretend they don’t exist and then be surprised when things don’t work the way you expect them to); >>

    I also disagree that we all must accept a double standard just because that is the status quo for some people. I have plenty of married women friends who had busy, full lives before they married, and continue to have them. Their husbands managed, and still wanted to marry them anyway. Some men actually like a woman who has her own life. 

    I agree with others who’ve posted, that if you want to have a relationship, you must make time for it, whether you are male or female. And if we meet someone we really like, most of us will.

  3. 63
    Helen

    Karl R 58: again, it’s not as simple as that. Dan wasn’t merely following Evan’s advice and dropping these gals. He was painting ALL “smart, strong, successful single women” by the same broad brush, just because things didn’t work out with the few he’d met.  See the original letter.
     
    If it were merely a matter of his saying that these women would not make time for him, and thus he didn’t pursue them, then OK – absolutely the right thing to do, along what you and Evan have stated.  But he should note that what Christie Hartman said in 44 is the truth: “In one way, women are no different than men: when they want a relationship, they WILL make room for it, no matter how busy they are.”
     
    This is true of smart, strong, successful single women too. When they find a man whom they deem worthwhile, they will happily find ways to make time to be with him.
     
    No insult intended, but: Can’t we just use Occam’s Razor here?  Instead of saying that, because these few women didn’t follow up with Dan, ALL brilliant women are bad girlfriend material, can’t we instead conclude that these few women weren’t sufficiently into him, end of story? Why is that so hard to believe?  I run into people every day who aren’t into me. So do most others. Let’s not make this more complicated than it is.

  4. 64
    Lara

    Soul 59: I do understand what St Stephen is trying to say, even though his trying misses the mark. I also know what compartmentalizing is. It’s not that difficult a concept. I just disagree with him, which is different from not understanding what he is trying to say.

    I disagree because SS has offered no persuasive argument that 1) men are able to compartmentalize and women are less able, 2) that the women in Dan’s letter are compartmentalizing, 3) that the women in Dan’s letter aren’t compartmentalizing, 4) that if they are compartmentalizing that it is a problem for them, 5) that if the women are compartmentalizing that it is a problem for Dan or any other man, 6) that compartmentalizing is a problem for any man or woman who does it, and 7) that compartmentalizing as a broad concept even pertains to the discussion.
    Also, the so-called “brain science” behind the sex difference chatter in the popular press (such as “men are able to compartmentalize and women aren’t” and “men are rational and women are emotional”) is very fishy. Read Delusions of Gender: The Real Science Behind Sex Difference (2010) by psychologist Cordelia Fine (BA Experimental Psych, Oxford; MPhil Criminology, Cambridge; PhD Psych, University College London) if you want to learn more. The book takes on a lot of the “brain science” myths that have made their way into the popular press. Though if your world view has a big stake in “hard wiring,” guaranteed that you won’t like it. If your world view doesn’t have a big stake in “hard wiring,” you’ll find it hysterical.
     
    You can also read about it here:
    http://www.salon.com/2010/09/07/sexism_neuroscience_interview/

  5. 65
    Stacy

    Soul… it’s good for you that you learned to enjoy life and found a guy you really like.

    I am sorry but I don’t find your story even mildy inspiring though.

    Being unfriendly, unsmiling, masculine, developing unhealthy eating habits, etc., all the characteristics of “Soul with a job” is simply called being stressed and tired to the point of being unhealthy. Maintaining your emotional health in addition to your physical health (gym!) is very important, and if that is not done one may end up in an emotional equivalent of an ICU: a 2 years sabbatical. This is hardly a good example to follow.

    When not working is not an option, as is the case for most people. you need to learn to take care of yourself on the emotional level to not end up being that overworked and miserable. Some people meditate, some do kickboxing, some take spa vacations some do skydiving, etc. None of this has anything to do with finding love though. It is possibe to be a happy person while working.

  6. 66
    Stacy

    And on the subject of the letter – I personally don’t think women are “too busy for love”. I think that their single lives are so darn good and comfortable that most men would not add any value to it, so they’re simpply not interested. As SATC character once wondered, “are we the new bachelors”? Yes, they are. Men have to deal with it like women did in past generations.

  7. 67
    JB

    Off topic……….

    Congrats to Evan for winning “Best Dating Coach” at the 2012 iDate Awards!!

    Woo Hoo !!!!

  8. 68
    Saint Stephen

    Ok Lara, I’m going to clarify for the last time using Merriam Websters dictionary. 
    I’d also like to point out that your ability to look up words in dictionary actually says nothing about possessing a good grasp of diction and semantics and how to effectively convey their various interpretations.

    Merriam Websters Definition: to separate into isolated compartments or categories.
    Merriam Websters example: He compartmentalizes his life by keeping his job and his personal life separate.
    Note how he compartmentalizes by not letting his job interfere in his personal life, by keeping them apart. If our hypothetical man didn’t have a job would you still say he was compartmentalizing his life by refraining himself from getting one? By making such ridiculous argument that’s exactly the point you seem to be making and the funny part is that you haven’t realized it yet. Frankly, I think you’re just arguing for arguments sake – not because what i said made no sense. 

  9. 69
    Soul

    @ Stacy: I totally agree with you. That’s exactly what I need to learn for the future!
     

  10. 70
    Soul

    @ Sacha:

    I am not looking for validation, I am not offering any guidance, I am trying to share a lesson that I learned for myself that I thought was related to the post.

    My story might sound “contrived” to you, but it is true. People are different, and this is an immense world. If everybody was thinking and acting like one, then only one person would suffice on earth.

  11. 71
    Gem

    My best friend is a “strong, successful” woman. She has a demanding job, large social circle, volunteers regularly, takes care of her own home–you get the picture.
     
    She recently told me that her long term goal is to be happily married, and she wants to/does date but often says to me “I don’t know where I can fit a man into my life.” Sure, she’d like a date on that rare night off that isn’t filled, but what man is going to wait around for the call that says, “Okay, 2 weeks from tonight, I’ll pencil you in.”?
     
    She says, she doesn’t “need” a man for anything (as a self-sustaining dynamo) but, hey, one would be nice, and fun to have around sometimes.
     
    I think Dan has run into women like my friend. Amazing, talented, fun, exciting, dynamic women who are too damn busy for a man even though, “one would be nice sometimes.” I think that what Dan means by “vaguely interested in dating.”
     
    I don’t find this an indictment against these women but it is a reality out there that some women have carved out this lifestyle. It’s not an indictment of Dan either that he’s noticed this phenomenon and wonders how to navigate his dating world.
     
    I think his letter was respectful and merely voiced his experiences. Some of the negative, defensive responses spouting “why should a woman change anything for a man?” seems to validate his real life experiences, and the attitudes of these “strong” women, frankly. Clearly the vibe he’s getting. Balance is key as has been mentioned on this thread. Women (and men for that matter) can’t expect to fill their lives so completely that a partner gets the scraps. Dating takes time, relationships take time.
     
    Soul —

    1) I am a women so I share many of the opinions here. However, There ARE double standards. It is not fair, but it is what is. Get over it (or fight it, but don’t pretend they don’t exist and then be surprised when things don’t work the way you expect them to)
    You’re so right on with this.
     
     

  12. 72
    Saint Stephen

    Stacy @66
    If what you said was actually correct, Evan would be out of business. 

  13. 73
    K

    I don’t know any super busy women who say they want to date, but don’t make any time for it (the one’s Dan complains about).  I only know women who pretend to be that busy when they don’t want to date someone (including me).  I’m willing to accept that these women exist since Evan talks about them and other posters claim to have friends like these women.  My mom would probably describe me as super busy/too busy for a man type, but that’s just because I don’t like getting into all the details of my life with her so with her and lots of other people I let them assume I am just too busy.  I have a ton of girlfriends, live in a big city and I would probably characterize most as strong/successful/busy.  But for most that just means they are single and fill their time with activities and they hope some of these activities will introduce them to men or to new friends.  I have lots of hobbies and a busy work schedule, but when there are good dating prospects I have made time for several new dates a week.  I’m more than happy to skip out on a work-out or a girls’ night out for a fun date prospect.  Most friends I know have several nights just to themselves.  The only ones I know who are busy a solid 7 days a week are either going on a ton of dates, have a boyfriend or hate to be alone so they fill up their social calendar.  I’m just saying in my experience and that of my friends we will surely make time for a guy and in fact spend plenty of spare evenings just talking about them.

  14. 74
    Dawn

    I’m 36, have a full-time day job and work just as many hours per week trying to get my dream career off the ground. The rest of my time is filled with friends and hobbies. The only way I could make time to date- once I realized it had to be a priority- was to put the friends, hobbies and extra classes for my career on the back burner for a while. I was still in touch with people but they knew what I was going after and so every spare evening was devoted to meeting, corresponding with and dating the men I found online. It became my second job. It only took a few fast and fun months of that before I found my guy. We’re now living together, I didn’t alienate any friends, my dream career has picked up and the rest of my life has balanced out very nicely. I’m happy I made dating a priority for a while so that I may now reap the rewards. 

  15. 75
    Still-Looking

    If a person truly wants a relationship, he or she will take the time and make the effort.
    If a person is comfortable not being in a relationship, he or she can fill every waking hour with family, friends, work, chores around the house, and hobbies.  Some of these people might even post a profile online talking about how busy they are.  Then before the first date and during the first date they can make small talk about how busy their lives are.  Some might do this to subtly push away those they are not really interested in.  Other times the date might assume either a lack of interest or not be interested based on the frantic lifestyle.

    If a person wants a relationship, that person needs to make the time for dating and communicate that a relationship gets high priority.   If not, it’s like the person who “says” they want to get in shape but doesn’t put forth the effort and make time to actually get to the gym – 6 months later the person is still out of shape and friends/acquaintances rightfully infer the person is not serious about getting into shape (or forming a relationship). 

  16. 76
    Ellen

    First, congrats Evan

     Re women who are wedded to their careers and maybe unwilling to compromise: Most likely love is simply not a priority. Self expression is. And you must remember how STRONGLY women are socialized to mate, have children [their very identity according to society whilst a man though not ideal can be a bachelor if absolutely necessary] love by its very nature requires compromise. So a solution is she moves for him [job opportunity], then he perhaps moves for her and so it goes.BTDT

    Problem is, men just tend to be more dominant so are able to persuade the women to compromise. 

     Nonetheless, if you really crave love, you will find a way to compromise. That’s why Hollywood marriages never last: If you are richer than God and lionized constantly you aren’t particularly enamored of sacrifice.

     Read this bio sometime: A Vindication of Love by Christina Nehring.She sacrificed everything for love. Few men do that probably. I mean, what percentage of men are house husbands?

  17. 77
    Sarahrahrah!

    @Dan:

    I’m wondering….

    if all of the childless, 36-44 year-old successful women are too busy for you,
    why haven’t you tried dating women with children?  Can we really be all that bad?  Are we really that unappealing that we don’t even necessitate mentioning because it is understood that we aren’t an option?

    it’s funny — the reason I got married in the past was because I actually like having a partner and being in a long-term relationship.  Unlike some never married women and/or childless women, I have  shown that I can make a commitment to another and also nurture my loved ones.  

    I don’t need anyone to raise or pay for my kids.  Is it just that most men do not want to be around other peoples’ kids which leads to the outright DQ of women with children across the board?

    These are honest questions that I think are worth exploring. 

  18. 78
    Lance2012

    @sarahr #77
    Again, I am not Dan, but I feel qualified to answer for him since my target demographic is the same. I will date a woman with one child under the age of eight. But I want to have a family, I just do not find it plausible that a woman with more than one child or a with a child over the age of eight would want to have another child. Curiously, my online dating searches find that it is fairly rare for women with one child to express interest in having another child, or perhaps they have just all gotten skimmed out of the database by quick acting men. I meet a woman with one child in the real world a few weeks ago, I expect to see her again in a month, I intend to ask her for lunch or something, but I find it hard to work ‘do yo want another kid?’ into the conversation. 
     
    Beyond that, the stresses of being the quasi dad and the concern that you might become that guy that gets wrongly accused of inappropriate behavior around ‘her’ kids are not insignificant.

  19. 79
    chivonh

    @Gem #71 and Soul
     
    Soul —

    1) I am a women so I share many of the opinions here. However, There ARE double standards. It is not fair, but it is what is. Get over it (or fight it, but don’t pretend they don’t exist and then be surprised when things don’t work the way you expect them to)
    You’re so right on with this.
     
    I agree wholeheartedly that society’s expectations are not going to change. No matter how hard we wish it to be otherwise, this is the reality we need to face.
     
    To the posters who think it’s unfair that there are double standards. I think you might need to consider this: Life isn’t fair.
    So we could bemoan that life isn’t fair for the next 20 years while staying single, OR, we could work around it.
    Analysing my happily attached friends, I realise that they and their partners all started out as friends. They got to know each other over a period of anywhere from 3 months to 5 years before they were together. And during the time, they allowed the men to befriend them, be there for them. By not rejecting or devaluating the men at first glance, they encouraged the men to express their interest through actions, and didn’t stop the friendship/courtship just because the men haven’t reached the peak of their careers or weren’t mature/classically handsome or masculine.
    People who want to be attached don’t spend their energy bemoaning that a relationship shortchanges them in some way.
    Of course sacrifices need to be made. That’s how your parents brought you up, and how you established your high-flying career. But that never killed anyone, did it?
    The main thing is, you should WANT a relationship for its own sake, and not because it will be THE ANSWER to ALL your fears and misgivings about life.
    Also, if you’re still hurting from past emotional wounds or you find yourself always blaming the men for being a lousy date/lousy man, etc, I’d advise you to overcome the past hurts first before dating. Dating requires you to be open to your intuitive sense of what’s right for you, and unwarranted negativity always clouds our judgment of what we really need.
     

  20. 80
    Evan Marc Katz

    I just got back from 4 days in Miami and am amused by the turn that this thread has taken. Not only is there a remarkable misinterpretation of what I actually said (many ideas inferred that were not actually implied), but we even have our very own conspiracy theory (Thanks, Sacha!) Well done. Nothing makes my case better than when women like you offer nonsensical retorts to logical statements like “busy people who don’t make time for dating will have a hard time finding love”.

    To sum up:

    ANYONE who doesn’t make time to find a relationship risks being alone forever. Switch the gender and this article makes just as much sense. In fact, Dr. Drew’s Loveline asked this very question tonight about men choosing career over love.

    Alas this blog is for WOMEN to learn what YOU can change to better find love. Blaming men for being fat or lazy or busy or hypocrites may ALL be true; it’s just not a particularly useful thing to say to me, given that I’m not giving advice to men.

    So foolishly continue to bash me as a misogynist – me, with the close sister, mom, wife and clients I support for three hours every afternoon. Really, it doesn’t hurt me because it couldn’t be further from the truth.

    You know what will remain true? If you work 50 hours a week, train for a marathon, hang out with only girlfriends, family and married people, you’re not going to be available to meet men, nor be a good partner for the quality ones who prefer an available girlfriend. And it doesn’t matter how many shitty inattentive men you’ve met in your life – blaming men doesn’t change your situation. Love will most likely elude you if you don’t make time for it. That’s what Karl and Gem and Dan were saying, I presume.

    So please, stop missing the point of the original post. Being unavailable isn’t a woman thing. It’s a people thing. You just happen to be a woman.

     

     

  21. 81
    Evan Marc Katz

    Oh, and thanks to all the person who congratulated me for winning Best Dating Coach at the iDate Awards. You’re a class act, JB.

  22. 82
    Sacha

    @ EMK #80
     
    Glad you are amused :) And thank you for addressing me personally, though you can see that there were a number of commenters and I was not the only one to think that this blog post and some of the responses read like a wind-up.
     
    No conspiracy theory. It’s all very straightforward. You are here to sell a product and you use all available means. You post a blog and invite comments to generate traffic to your business. You get comments. Some agree with you, some disagree. For you, either way is good. Serves the purpose of generating clicks. Your blog is not here out of altruism or service to society, it is an advertising medium with the specific purpose of selling your ideas. Simple.
     
    Does anyone actually believe that all advertising is based on true stories? That tv ads are actually documentaries? Obviously for your business’s advertising needs readers’ letters are very helpful and you can pick the ones that serve your purposes. However, in this particular case the letter seems so off that as Helen said it really seems like it was made up as a springboard for you to again hammer in your point that women should make an efford and time to FIND a man. And you are our friendly neighbourhood dating coach who can help with that, right?
     
    Nonetheless, obviously, all of us that are your readers benefit from your blog posts (even if just for reading other people’s comments and experience), otherwise we wouldn’t be reading it. I also give you full credit that you have distilled your ideas about relationships to several very simple concepts. I agree with most of them, they are plain common sense. But I am actually here to read ideas that I do not immediately agree with, both from you and other commenters. They are the ones that can actually make a difference to me. I am sure I am not the only one that thinks that way. Therefore you get challenged mostly on the ideas that your readers disagree with. It you are interested in actually helping your readers (as opposed to just generating clicks) you answer the questions posed in the comments. Sometimes you do. Mostly to defend yourself. (I understand your frustration when you feel you have been misinterpreted and you have to reiterate over and over what you mean.)
     
    But you sometimes choose not to answer a pertinent question which challenges something specific in what you have written.  Obviously you only choose to answer the questions that serve the purpose of advertising the ideas that you sell. You ignore questions that not only do not serve that purpose, but make you look not so good in the eyes of your existing and potential clients. For example Ruby asked in #43: “And to EMK: if your clients are only “vaguely open to a relationship”, then why are they going through the time and expense of hiring a dating coach?” In another thread I asked you what the benefit was of being your private client, as the advice you had given a woman did not appear to serve her well or be in her best interest. You also chose not to answer that specific question.
     
    I would have thought that for anyone to hire a dating coach, one would not necessarily have exhausted all other avenues, but would have at least tried a number of other strategies first. That means the person is actively looking and pursuing a goal, in this case a relationship. After all, one only gets help (and pays for it!) when one needs it, right? So, what makes you think that your clients are only vaguely open to a relationship? And don’t tell me that you base that assumption on the fact that some of them may speak vaguely about it, or have full lives with family, friends and hobbies. We all know that if something is important enough to us, we make time for it.  I don’t think anyone can dispute that.
     
     

    1. 82.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Sacha,

      A reasonable question deserves a reasonable answer. An unreasonable question deserves an unreasonable answer. So when you feel I’m being unreasonable with you, I’d encourage you to understand my motivation.

      You’ve already heard my unreasonable answer to your unreasonable suggestion that I may have “made up” a question to “hammer” home my theories to “sell” my services. It’s silly, it’s patently untrue and it doesn’t deserve a dignified answer. It’s impossible to disprove any cockamamie theory because if you’re inclined to the most cynical worldview, you can simply say that you don’t believe me when I’m telling you the truth. That’s your prerogative. It’s my prerogative to ignore you, cut you down or delete you because you’re wasting my time and poisoning the spirit of this blog, which is to help women.

      Which brings us to your next point: the idea that I do this to actively sell something. Please, do me a favor and go back through the past five years of blog posts and tell me how many times I’ve actively pushed with strong sales copy for you to buy my dating coaching services. I pretty much give advice and assume that if you want more, you can click to the top of the page. So, as I see it, this blog is an advice column with an active community of bright women who are in varying states of openness to my message about understanding and connecting with men. My hypothesis, of course, is that, as a man, I can do a better job of telling you what men want than you can yourself. Which is why every argument about how I’m wrong kind of drives me batty. I’m not wrong about my feelings; and, to be clear, you’re not wrong about your feelings. But if you’re struggling to have a relationship that you want and you insist that it’s your way or the highway – and your way isn’t getting you results, you might want to make adjustments.

      And that’s why I blog – give away free dating advice three times a week – to help women make healthier and more EFFECTIVE relationship decisions. Would you rather be right or would you rather be effective? In my universe, being effective goes a lot farther than being “right” in your mind. You can disagree with me all you want – but what I won’t tolerate is someone who questions my experience, my understanding of men and women, and my motives for doing this. You’d be hard pressed to find another guy who WANTS to talk to women for three hours a day for 8 straight years. So to put up with the slings and barbs from women who take offense when my advice tells them to adjust is somewhat annoying.

      If I were to give dating advice to men (because god knows they need it!) and my advice to them was “Women are wrong. Women need to change,” that would be the most asinine advice in the world, don’t you think? What’s a man to learn from someone telling him that the OPPOSITE sex has to do something different? NOTHING.

      This isn’t a forum for venting about men. You want that? Go somewhere else. This is a place for women who love men, believe in men, see the best in men, and want a healthy relationship with a devoted and kind man. For the most part I weed out the wrong women; some stick around to argue with me. I don’t understand why.

      Is my blog a marketing tool? I suppose. But if you knew about the thousands of emails I get from strangers who found love without ever buying one single product from me, maybe you wouldn’t be as cynical about why I feel so passionate about my business and my worldview.

      To your final point about my clients only being “vaguely open to a relationship”, I’ll make it really simple for you with an analogy:

      Why would someone sign up at the gym on January 1st, if she doesn’t truly value losing that extra 25 lbs? It’s not my place to say. But millions of people sign up for a membership and quit within three months of doing so. Apparently, one part of them wanted to take action, but the other part of them didn’t want to do the work to change.

      If you’re a reader, you’re presumably open to my message, but you want to remove the parts that you don’t like. That’s fine. You will probably never invest in one of my eBooks, CDs or coaching programs. You will also cling to your worldview which may possibly be holding you back because it’s not based on a true understanding of men. It’s not that no one finds love without me; no more than no one can lose weight without a trainer. It’s that a trainer can certainly help. And if my job is to help, and you don’t want my help or want to question my motives or techniques, I’m perfectly fine with you finding someone who is more congruent with your worldview that successful women don’t need to change; in the new world order, men are going to change and start to value women who don’t give them what they need.

      Good luck with that.

  23. 83
    Lorenzo Valdez.

    “Are Smart, Strong, Successful Women Too Busy For Love?’ Depends if they’re stuck up or not. Most of them got their high-heels up their asses. On the other hand i must be fair and say I think the other percentage of these women are really looking, but hiding in their routine due to fear. Which is understandable and to be underwstood by us if were gonna get anywhere, (easy does it).

    Sorry if this is too close to the bullet, but it’s my ‘naked’ opinion. 

  24. 84
    Heather

    EMK,
     
    Let me be clear.  I never labeled you as a misogynist.  Talk about misreading.
     
    However, I have a real problem with men going around saying that we women aged 36-44 are too busy to have a boyfriend when nothing could be further than the truth.  And as some of the other posters have said: some of these women could have been saying this to Dan to say nicely: “We’re not that into you.”  If we women truly do want a relationship, we’ll make time for it.
     
    Yes, this is definitely a forum for us women to learn what to do better.  But to be told one thing, that we need to live our lives, but then told no, you have to be less busy to find a man, but then turn around again and get criticized by men for “being clingy, needy, too available” is very frustrating.
     
    My goodness.  I dunno why you’re so offended when we women get annoyed by being broad-brushed. 

  25. 85
    Helen

    Evan 80: much of the time, when we comment, we are not necessarily commenting about the advice you specifically give. We are commenting about the original letter or about others’ comments. In this particular thread, that seems especially to be the case.
     
    We don’t comment about your advice because most of the time, we agree with it, so there isn’t anything to discuss. You mention in another thread about how “telling” it is that people didn’t comment on it, and I think that may have been the wrong impression. We don’t comment because we agree with you, and it’s not too interesting to have a string of comments “I agree.”

  26. 86
    Ruby

    EMK #86: <To your final point about my clients only being “vaguely open to a relationship”, I’ll make it really simple for you, with an analogy:…>

    The reason I asked this question is because you said that “almost all” of your clients are only “vaguely open” to a relationship. It isn’t that I’m surprised that some of your clients might hire you even if they are not really serious about finding someone, it’s that you say that almost all of them feel that way, and that I do find surprising. 

    Also, plenty of “average” women are very busy, and only vaguely open to a relationship, but only the “smart, successful, strong” ones are hammered on about it. Could it be that smart, successful women really are more desirable despite their flaws? 

    1. 86.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Great job, Ruby. I’ll pose the same question about men: “Could it be that smart, successful men really are more desirable despite their flaws?”

      And the answer to both questions is YES – they are more desirable. But just because they’re desirable does NOT mean that they are better PARTNERS. That’s the fallacy.

      A man isn’t a better husband because he’s tall or rich or funny or brilliant. You’re just more ATTRACTED to him. Same with women. Good qualities come with bad qualities. And we can add one more quality to really smart people – inability to admit when they’re wrong.

  27. 87
    Sacha

    Evan,
     
    Thanks again for the personalised reply.
     
    Firstly, regarding this particular blog post, we have to agree to disagree. I think you have taken an opportunity to again hammer in the idea that women have to “make time to FIND a man“. You disagree with my assessment. Fine.
     
    Regarding your blog being a free dating advice service. Yes, it is true that it is free, obviously, just like billboards on the streets are free to view.  But you are still selling a product with your blog (and of course you are right to!), there is no need for there to be a link to the services you sell.  Your blog is very much “sales-y” and you know it. Come on. The costs of maintaining your blog are tax-deductable, aren’t they ;) ? If you claim your expenses as deductable, you agree that your blog is sales-y. If you don’t claim them, you should! Your tax authorities will agree with me ;)
     
    And nobody is arguing that what you are doing is not your passion. That is clearly the case and good for you! But you undermine your credibility when you claim it to be something else than it is.
     
    Your analogy about the gym does not hold water.  If someone joins a gym and “QUITS within 3 months”… they QUIT. They have changed their mind,  they no longer think they need to lose the 25lbs (found a man who wants them just the way they are ;) ), they find they don’t enjoy it, they want to lose the extra lbs doing some other activity, or …whatever.  The point is they quit. Your “analogy” would only be an analogy if you were talking about former clients of yours who have quit not only your services, but quit dating and looking for a relationship.  Clearly that is not the case for people of either gender who are looking for a relationship with the right person, whether they use a dating coach or not. If the wrong person comes along (Dan?) it is counterproductive and time-wasting to get involved. Move on. But you are clearly not talking about clients who have quit. You say that “almost ALL of [your] clients” are “vaguely open to a relationship”.  Think it through and you will see that the situation is not analogous. 
     
    Finally, no, I do not want to “remove the parts I don’t like”. As I said above, these parts are exactly the reason why I read your blog. What is the point of reading ideas that completely agree with my worldview?? It does not happen often that I disagree with you, though, and I never comment when I agree with you, which is most of the time.  But let me reassure you that you are helping me most when your worldview disagrees with mine :D
     
    Keep up the good work!

  28. 88
    Ruby

    EMK #88

    <<A man isn’t a better husband because he’s tall or rich or funny or brilliant. You’re just more ATTRACTED to him. Same with women. Good qualities come with bad qualities. And we can add one more quality to really smart people – inability to admit when they’re wrong.>>

    I agree that everyone has both good and bad qualities.

  29. 89
    Sacha

    Evan #91

    It always felt good for me. Was it not as good for you as it was for me? ;) No, seriously, I wouldn’t bother commenting if your advice was not striking a cord with me.

  30. 90
    Soul

    @ Sacha:

    Many overweight people sign up at the gym FOR A FULL YEAR and quit after a very short time. Then, the next year, the sign up AGAIN… Your argument does not hold. 

    At any rate, it is extremely common knowledge that one part of people wants sth, and the other part does not want to go through the painful changes that are needed.  common knowledge about human psychology

    PS: then again you will always find research that says the contrary, that’s the very business of researchers, so please do not throw the baby with the water 

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