Do You Know What a Man Expects out of a First Date?

Do you know what a man expects out of a first date?

Have you ever bothered to ask him?

If you’re a female reader, please share some of the things you’ve done on first dates that you feel ensure a second date.

If you’re a male reader, please share with us what your date can do to ensure a second date.

If you’re serious about securing that second date, you’ll want to check out my Finding the One Online CD series. Click here http://www.findingtheoneonline.com/ to learn more.

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Comments:

  1. 31
    Lou B

    Re: #29

    To be polite – I go through the motions and complete the date – tough when you have planned a nice dinner!!

    I am a doctor and have contemplated getting paged out of the date – but I just think that is wrong (and probably bad luck – might get paged out of a GREAT date next time!!).

  2. 32
    Ben

    Lou– This is why you never plan a ‘nice dinner’ for a first meeting.

    Coffee dates (or other similar low investment meetings) can always be ‘extended’ into dinner, if desired..

    I haven’t gone out with any women yet that i wasn’t at least a little bit attracted to. Certainly, less attracted once i met them, but not bad enough to end the date. If i did, i’d probably have a nice chat for an hour and get to know them anyway.

    -Ben

  3. 33
    art_racer

    A-number-one suggestion for women… DON”T tell me ANYTHING about former boyfriends/fiancs/husbands. I’m imagining how it would feel to kiss you and they really get in the way.

  4. 34
    moonsical

    Ben, I am deeply offended at your perception that I, ‘dismissed every person’s opinion in the entire thread with your dismissive be good company. that is it.’ That is very harsh. Though that is your perception, that is not at all what was happening as I wrote.

    moon

  5. 35
    A-L

    RE: #29. Yes, go through the date, but don’t just go through the motions. As Evan might say, “be in the moment.” Be your most interesting, engaged, polite self and see if things improve. Even if things don’t things might turn around or he doesn’t end up introducing you to someone great, it’s still the polite (and right) thing to do.

    As far as some of these first date stories (ie, crying lady in #28)…where do you meet some of these people? I’m not saying this as an insult to the posters, but thankfully none of my dates have been anywhere near as bad as some of y’alls’. I can’t imagine any of my friends behaving in such a way, so I have a hard time imagining others doing so. Guess I’m lucky. :)

  6. 36
    A-L

    Oh gosh, that first paragraph was terrible. That’s what I get for not double-checking it. Here’s the redo:

    RE: #29. Yes, go through the date, but don’t just go through the motions. As Evan might say, be in the moment. Be your most interesting, engaged, polite self and see if things improve. Even if things don’t turn around or he doesn’t end up introducing you to someone great, it’s still the polite (and right) thing to do.

  7. 37
    Kenley

    When I met men I didn’t think were physically attractive, I always continued the dates. And with few exceptions, I had a pleasant time and didn’t view the date as a waste. I think that in the quest for finding the right one, treating the wrong ones along the way poorly is not good for the soul. Just because someone doesn’t appeal to you physically there is no reason to be rude to them…even if they deceived you. The only time I actually regretted continuing a date was when I went out with one guy that had a really, really, really bitter attitude about women and the world in general. A negative and defeated view on life is 1000 times more difficult to tolerate than an unattractive face or body.

    On the occasions that I have had pleasant dates, but no physical attraction, I use to suggest let’s be friends, but the guys wanted romance or nothing. I guess some men are insulted by the offer. When a guy made the “let’s be friends” offer to me, I turned him down because I felt that he just wanted to use me for networking connections — he wanted to transfer to my field. In general, I have no problem helping people out, but for some reason, I just felt like he was being deceptive about his true intensions so I told him no thanks. Sorry for rambling.

  8. 38
    JuJu

    Why, Kenley, I find every response very interesting. Wish more people “rambled.” :-)

    I am not sure, though, that at this point I will even want to be polite in a case of outright deception on my date’s part – he was obviously disrespectful of my time and effort when he did that, so why should I be respectful in return?

  9. 39
    Kenley

    JuJu,

    I guess I try to be respectful because the times when I’ve been rude or mean to other people, I’ve never felt good or gotten any satisfaction out of that type of behavior. In my on-line experience, a few guys did send me misleading photos — the ones from 10 years ago when they were younger and lighter. I still treated these guys respectfully because I felt sad that they were not confident enough in their appearance to be truthful. Now, would I date the guys long term — probably not because if a man is deceptive at the beginning there is a good chance he will be deceptive right to the end. So, even though I wouldn’t date them long term, I could still be polite and try to enjoy their company for just for an hour or so. Being nice doesn’t cost me anything. Being mean costs me a little bit of my soul.

  10. 40
    moonsical

    Hi JuJu,

    I also practice keeping the date, regardless of physical attraction, even in (the few) cases where the man had obviously not posted near recent photos and had added a few things (waistline, jowls) in the physique area. I guess I believe along the lines of Kenley that you pay every soul that respect and keep the commitment of the time. I don’t linger or drag it out though. It seems to me it is even more painful for the man, to see how into him you are not, and realize the that part of those results were caused by deception on his part. Perhaps lesson learned for some.

    moon

  11. 41
    thomas

    A-L, # 35

    As far as some of these first date stories (ie, crying lady in #28) where do you meet some of these people?

    It is all about getting out and just meeting people on the street where ever you go. You would be surprised what happens when you say hello to a random stranger while walking the streets. So when you ask where do I meet these people, I meet them everywhere.

    I do not know why, I just meet a lot of people at random. The more you get out, the more people you meet. I am just the type of person that will say, “hey, what’s up, how you doing” or something to that effect when people make eye contact. Guy or girl, if you make eye contact with me, I am going to let you know you exist. That is just the type of personality that I have. Typically, when I am traveling, I get a lot of people that ask me for directions for this or that. They are lost and are wanting to go some place. Since I say hello to them, they are more likely to ask me how to get some place versus someone who looks at the ground.

    On the other hand, there are those women that take it above and beyond a friendly hello. I remember one time I was in an elevator when someone made eye contact with me. I said hello, and the women went into detail about how she just found out about her best friend and husband were sleeping together. She would not stop, and I frantically pushed buttons so that I could get off at the next floor.

    I have ran into a few women that were just having a bad day. When all I said was hello after they had made eye contact, they proceeded to unload unto me. I have had 4 that wanted to hug me after unloading for 10 minutes. It is always creepy. I remember 2 of them would not let go when I tried to pull away. One in particular would not let go after 20 minutes, no matter how times I tried to pull away.

    They are everywhere and on every continent. I remember traveling with a young mother from Kj benhavn to rhus. Within 15 minutes of the trip, she unloaded on me how her boy friend had just left her. When we parted, it was awkward. She would not leave and stood there not saying a word in stead of getting back into her car and taking off.

    I meet a lot of people like this all the time. For some odd reason, people will share deep things about themselves upon the first time that I meet them.

    It rarely happens on date, but it does once in a great while. But it still does.

    That is how I meet most of the women that I date, it is all at random and when I do not expect it. I have never had a family member or friend set me up. It is always a complete stranger that I run into. Sometimes you find out later that you know some of the same people.

    When I am constantly meeting new people, it is not hard to run into people like this.

    A-L, just put yourself out there. When someone gives an inviting look, say hello. After awhile, you will run into some of these same people.

  12. 42
    moonsical

    thomas,

    Are you (also) the one that every woman you ignore gives her apartment keys to? I think truly you must be a special case!

    A-L, yeah, my dates aren’t nearly so dramatic/traumatic, either.

    moon

  13. 43
    thomas

    I have only had 2, maybe three women give me the key when I tried to push them away.

    “I think truly you must be a special case!”

    Reminds me of a time when I had a young lady take me back to her place. The next morning she kept repeating how she had never done it before and she paranoid that I was going to rob her. Every time she mentioned something about, I would ask her how I would fit a television into my pocket or her coffee table into my jacket.

  14. 44
    John

    What do I expect on a first date…?

    After 20+ years (off and on) of dating, here’s my list.

    1) Be ready to go when I arrive to pick you up or if we meet somewhere, be there on time (no more than 5 minutes late). Anything more is rude.

    2) Be well dressed to make a good first impression. Showing up too casual send me the signal that you are not interested in making a good impression. There’s years for us to hang out in our sweats on the sofa, this ain t one of them.

    3) Leave the cell phone off. please. If you are expecting an important call, let me know in advance, then keep it short. All other calls leave for voicemail. Just because it’s okay for your teenagers to be connected 24/7, it’s not okay for a first date.

    4) Be ready to PARTICIPATE in the conversation. If I have to ask EVERY question and you ask nothing about me, I assume you have poor social skills, aren’t interested in knowing anything about me, or worse both. And I will probably end the date early. I’m not the Cruise Director here, this should be a friendly two-way conversation, as we are here to get to know each other.

    5) Please avoid any controversial and highly-charged topics such as politics, the election, the war, religion, etc., regardless of how passionate you are about a subject. If it’s politics, chances are half your dates will totally disagree with you.

    6) Don’t complain about your ex, bore me with angry and bitter details about your divorce or mention the word soulmate.

    7) Don’t tell me about your medical history. It’s simply gross, unless you have a really funny story to relate.

    8) Look me in the eye once in a while.

    9) If you have kids, mention them, but please, unless I ask, don’t spend 15 minutes telling me about every detail regarding her part in the school play or his recent football game. And if you must relate the details, wait until after the date, call the kid’s Grandparents and tell them all the details.

    10) At the end of the date, if it didn’t go well or there was no connection, don’t look at me with those sad doe eyes. Not every date goes well or do both people feel a mutual attraction. If it did go well, I’ll definitely ask Would you like to do this again? And please. have an answer ready.

  15. 45
    hunter

    I sort of disagree with you on number 4, many single nice people, have a hard time conversing, with someone they don’t really know.

  16. 46
    moonsical

    hunter is right, but this is an IDEAL of what is wanted, after all. Of course if a person is on a date, they might expect to TRY to be conversational. Or, one would think! Plenty of time later to spend hours together, not talking!

    moon

  17. 47
    hunter

    hi Moon,

    Yes, I agree with you, we do have to converse, somehow, on the first dates….I suppose, I need to add on, that(for many singles) it takes several dates to do some talking.

  18. 48
    thomas

    Do You Know What a Man Expects out of a First Date?

    It would be nice to get a first name. I have had way too many women get too close too soon and then get pissed when I have no idea what their name is.

    A few weeks ago, I met a young woman, and we went back to her place. It was the first time I had ever met her and it was at random. The next morning, she was giving me back rubs and such, it was nice. She gave me a lift home and came to the conclusion that I did not know her name, she was right. We had never been introduced.

    If I ask you early on and you ignore me, do not get pissed the next day when you realize I have no clue who you are.

  19. 49
    Joe

    Dude, that wasn’t a first date, it was a pickup.

  20. 50
    hunter

    Check it out!….Sounds as if Thomas is a “Natural”.

  21. 51
    thomas

    I guess that I have never had a real first date with any woman. I meet them once and they always get pissed off at me and never want to speak to me again. Well, 99% of the women I come across get pissed off at me with 24 hours of meeting.

    This reminds me of a time when I was traveling in Europe. I met a Polish woman in her mid to late 20’s. I had never had a conversation with her, just some of the guys she was hanging out with. She stuck around me and waited for the guys she was with to leave. Once they were gone, she handed me some rock and told me to never forget her. They story gets a bit intimate after that…. Then poof, gone and to never hear from her again.

    I always have women that I meet at random, then poof they are gone. Typically they are pissed at me because I have no idea who they are.

    Over a decade ago, I met a really sweet young woman. We were chilling for a few moments, then after two hours she hung herself on me and made the comment, “I can not believe I have only known you for two hours and I already love you.”

    I really have no idea what I am doing. Most of the time I am doing nothing at all. I am just there.

    If it is the first time we have met, if it is a pick up or a date, please tell me your name before you tell me that you want to spend the rest of your life with me. That is what I expect, but it rarely happens.

    Perhaps , it is not what I expect on the first date, but what I wish would happen on the first date. Maybe if more women had their business card stapled to their forehead, I would have better luck getting that second meeting. Heck, I would even be open to receiving a resume, that way I know a little bit about you as well.

  22. 52
    cinnamon

    Thomas,
    So far I suspected your posts were just a kind of sophisticated provocation. You know, describing what looks like one-night-stand situations, calling them date and wondering why they don’t lead to a relationship.
    I’ve done the poof act a few times myself, though not in relation to one-night encounters, but weeks- or months-long acquitances. Therefore I’ll just share a few loose thoughts in relation to your posts.
    First of all, if you believe something is too much, too soon you have a right to say No or simply back off from it. Now, that’s difficult if someone is splitting their guts in front of you, but if it happens that they do and you do nothing in response or even distance yourself afterwards because you feel it was too much, then they’ll probably feel they made a fool of themselves and not want any contact with you anymore. I’m not saying you should sit and do therapy for girls who start telling you about their more or less traumatic experiences just after they met you, and I’m not saying you should blame yourself, but just be aware that opening yourself to someone so much does create a kind of a feeling of intimacy and if you do nothing in response the girls would most likely disappear.
    Same goes for getting intimate physically. Too close, too soon? Couldn’t agree more that getting intimate with someone you I’ve met an hour ago and basically know nothing about is too close, too soon. An alternative would be to get to know the person gradually over some time, and then get intimate.
    I know there are many people on this forum who would not agree with it, but since it seems the other scenario has so far only resulted in short-term encounters for you and a herd of pissed-off women, then I would say trying to build up intimacy with someone gradually would be worth trying if you are interested in a relationship.
    And the last thing, the Most of the time I am doing nothing at all. I am just there. , which strangely reminds me of something. For me, it is simply not enough for a man to be there, do nothing and wait for the woman to take all initiative. I think, even if she likes you enough to take it at the beginning, if you keep doing nothing and just being there it may just look like you are not interested in her.
    I find it extremely confusing when I meet someone, it seems we have good contact, talk a lot, I feel I’m starting to fall for the guy, but time goes and he does noting to bring it any further. Then I usually disappear. As I said, this is related to acquitances spread over longer span of time, weeks or months, but maybe it could be a clue for you as well.
    By the way, asking questions is generally a good way to find out information about the other person and show interest in them.

  23. 53
    thomas

    cinnamon, that is interesting…

    Most of the time, when I first meet someone, 95% of them pull something that kind of throws me off balance. Then after that, I kind of go with the flow.

    come on kids, story time. Lets get some hot coco and gather round.

    Many moons ago… I do not want to say how many, I do not want to feel old… I was standing in a shopping complex in the middle of the day with some people. I kind of knew one or two, but the others, not really. These were all white collar workers as well. We were all standing around and the guys were talking while the women were just standing there. The guys were kind of introverts, yet would ramble on about work or star trek or some other sci-fi crap.

    I made the comment that we were outside of work and that is was a nice day. I said it was best to leave work in the office and just enjoy the sunshine. Overall, I hate when people can not leave the shop talk back at the shop. The guys kind of ignored me and went on about how it was a great time to rebuild computers and all the parts they were going to add to their computers over the weekend, completely treating the women like they were not even there.

    I am ignored, the women are ignored, I decided to talk to the women. I asked them what they like to do on nice days. At first they kind of looked at me, not saying a word. Then I asked if they liked to go for a bike ride in the park, go for a walk with the dog, ….

    As soon as the women started to talk to me, the guys stopped and got quiet. Within 5 minutes of conversation, one of the women licked the side of my face. I was not expecting it and it threw me off. I stood there confused and asked “did you do what I think you just did?” She took two steps back, looked at the ground and made the statement, “I can not believe that I just did that.” She ran off and has not talked to me since.

    I see her from time to time. Once every 6 months to 2 years, I will come across her. If she sees me coming from a block away, she does everything to avoid me. She will not even let me get close enough to say a word.

    For me, the first time I meet a number of women, it is like they drop a bowling ball in my lap. I never expect anything to happen, and there is always the unexpected that happens. Sometimes, I find that women a just plain offensive and go over board with their comments or actions.

    To this day, I still do not know her name, nor will I ever.

    Before I meet you , please staple a business card to your forehead. That way I can find out your name without talking to you. So many times, talking does not solve anything.

    From this day forward, what I expected on a first date is a card on the forehead.

    Seriously, I find that some women have a lot of walls put up. If you can get them to talk for 30 minutes about themselves, those walls come down, but then they go overboard with their actions.

    First date, please keep your hands, tongues, and anything else to yourself. What I expect is just some relaxing conversation. Simple, that is it.

    If it the first time that I have met you, please keep the comments to PG 13.

  24. 54
    hunter

    Thomas!….you lucky dog!…….Somehow I sense you are conquering women, because of your good looks…….not by what you say…..then also, white collar job environments, are target rich/more possible encounters/females most everywhere you look…

  25. 55
    hunter

    Thomas,

    Yes, I read your post again, the options you describe are only available to very good looking men..

  26. 56
    moonsical

    I find if I want to learn someone’s name, asking is a reasonably direct way to go. So far I have had 100% success, I believe.

    moon

  27. 57
    Slim Pickens

    Moon I have the exact same success rate! This is amazing considering that I am only average looking, still own a TV, and occasionally can be found perusing online dating sites. I have tried aimlessly walking the streets, waiting for strange nameless women to pick me up and take me home, but my success rate was on the low side.

  28. 58
    hunter

    Hi Moon,

    It may have been he had that woman on her back so fast, there was no time for details……OMG!……

  29. 59
    thomas

    Hunter, I do not know if looks has anything to do with it.

    I use to have this friend years ago that had would always ask me to be his wing man. He was younger than me, more physically tone, better looking, and came from a better background.

    When we would go out, he would always try to dominate the conversation with women. He would always talk about something way off in the distance, like he was trying to show that he was smart and could talk above the woman. It was as though he was trying to show that he was dominate in all aspects of life.

    Do you remember the movie “back to the future”? There is a part in the first one where the scientist is talking about flux capacitors.

    When my friend would try to talk to women, he would always talk down to them and try to impress them by talking over them. I would always turn to him and say, “stop talking about flux capacitors. If you are going to do it, at least let the chick get a word in once in awhile.”

    Do not get me wrong, he was a great guy, he just took women too serious. He always had a list that he would check off in his head. One of the things is he had to do was show them that he was a dominate male and could provide for them. He was never relaxed around them.

    The one time he actually listened to me, he got laid. I spoon fed him a woman that happened to be walking by. I kept telling him to relax and talk to her about certain subjects. The two of them sat across from me as I told him what to do. I pretty much took a vagina, wrapped in plastic, and handed it to him. She actually made contact with me first. She made eye contact with me and came over to the table with me and my friend and started a conversation. That was when I pointed my friend out and said that he had a background in the subject, then I just kept the ball rolling from there.

    For me, I am not that good looking. Guys 10 times better looking than me can have poor social skills and never have the chance to have a conversation with any woman.

    I usually do not put any effort into it, I am just there chilling, having a conversation. I might be 100 pounds heavier than the other dudes in the room, but I am not going to look down and talk to my shoes when you approach me. The same can be said for anything else. You might have a nice car that costs $100,000. Yet, if you can not make eye contact with a woman, I am more than likely to ride off with her into the sun set with her on the handle bars of my Schwinn.

    I do not think that looks has anything to do with it. I just find that there are so many people that have poor social skills today.

    moon…

    It is kind of weird, but for some reason, I never get a name, or rarely. When ever I meet a woman, I treat them casual, like she is a person, not pursuing her. I treat her like a chum, a buddy, like one of the guys, but within reason.

    With guys, I am the same way. I start out meeting them and just engage in light conversations. I can go on for weeks or even months without knowing a guy’s name. I do not go up to guys the first time I meet them, shake their hand, and then ask them what their name is.

    Believe it or not, I have seen way too many guys approach women like this. It is not a business meeting, it is out of the office and in public.

    I always keep things relaxed and chill. Yet, I have too many times where I have a woman straddling me, with her shirt and brawl around her neck; and I ask, “before we go farther, can I have your name?” I am always clueless when it comes to the opposite sex. I never have women kind of ease into it, they always lunge at me.

    I just have a real bad time making that transition from person sitting beside me on the bus to someone that I go on a date with.

    It seems that I find myself thinking about filling my belly with food while the other person is thinking about filling her belly with my babies. By the time I find out and realize that she has interest in me, it is as though it is too late and she is expecting me to be further along than what I am. I constantly find myself in the position where I am wanting to find out her name and she is wanting to go and get matching walking outfits.

  30. 60
    thomas

    Slim Pickens

    You must be doing something wrong. If you are out walking around, there is always going to be a handful of women at random that are going to give you the look. If you are confused, watch for the head movement. When she walks pass and she makes eye contact, her torso will be pointing one direction while her head will be pointed another. Sometimes, it seems like her head has turned 180 degrees on her torso.

    I feel that the woman always makes the first move, and it starts with the eye contact. If you notice something pretty looking at you from across the distance repeatedly, go talk to her.

    I have had a number of freinds make the statement, “lets go out and get some chicks”, to have no courage to go talk to any chicks. If something hot is walking her dog, ask if you can pet it, well ask if you can pet her dog. It will get the ball rolling. If the two of you clicked, as you are walking away, she will want to talk to you more. She will make an effort to talk to you.

    Overall, do not force it. If it is not natural, it will fall apart. I can go 6 months where nothing happens, then I can have nights where a dozen different women buy me drinks at the bar.

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