Do You Think About A Future Before There’s A Present?

Have you ever gone on a really great date and instantly started thinking about the future?

I’m not talking about signing his last name with your first name or picturing what your kids will look like; I’m talking about the short-term future.

The second you start feeling something for him, your unconscious thoughts begin to arise:

Putting your future first is sabotaging your ability to form strong connections AND causing you to get hurt unnecessarily.

But don’t worry, you can change.

“Will he get along with my family?”

“Is he financially stable?”

“Does he have a good relationship with his mom, his sister, and his exes?”

“I hope he’s good in bed.”

“Is he a keeper?”

“I hope he doesn’t disappointment me.”

“Where is this going? I don’t want to waste my time.”

Sorry, if I just read your mind. It’s just that I have women confessing this sort of thing to me all the time. Putting your future first is sabotaging your ability to form strong connections AND causing you to get hurt unnecessarily.

But don’t worry, you can change.

My advice may sound logical, but I want to acknowledge one important thing: it’s hard to help yourself when it comes to the passion of new love.

In the cold world of being single – with so many random dates with so many awkward guys, it’s thrilling when you finally find a guy who excites you.

But what happens when you get too excited about a new guy?

Well, look at your past. Most of the time, your excitement is premature.

The guy turns out to be a total flake or a selfish jerk.

The guy turns out to have issues that are a big turn off.

The guy turns out to be Mr. Right Now, but definitely not Mr. Right.

You couldn’t have known this on Exciting Date #1, but history tells us that most of the time, things aren’t as rosy as they seem.

I feel very strongly that a man isn’t “real” until he’s your boyfriend. He has to be exclusive with you before you get too excited.

Otherwise, you set yourself up for repeated heartbreaks.

This post is to warn you about taking the OPPOSITE tack: assuming that things are going to go wrong sooner or later.

Do You Think About A Future Before There’s A PresentIt’s not an unfair premise. 99 out of 100 guys are NOT your future husband.

But what happens when you’re going into the date with that mindset?

The first thing you start thinking is: “Don’t waste my time.”

And to protect yourself from investing your time in a guy who – statistically speaking – will probably not be your husband – you go into full interrogation mode…

The “right” guy probably wouldn’t feel too good when dating a woman who treats him like a common criminal…

You start probing about his former relationships.

You subtly feel around for a sense of his financial well-being.

You hint – or say outright – that you’re looking for something serious.

All of which says to your date, “I DON’T TRUST YOU. AND I’M GOING TO GATHER AS MUCH INFORMATION AS I CAN TO WEED YOU OUT BEFORE I INVEST ANY EMOTION IN YOU.”

How’s that for a statement to the new man you’re seeing?

Understand, I make no defense of men who are jerks or players or time-wasters, but, believe it or not, most men are out for a real relationship.

They may date and date and date until they find the woman to whom they want to commit, but they really do want to build something. If you find that you’re attracted to “player” types (and I should know: I was one of them), the information I’ve compiled in Why He Disappeared is priceless.

Learn how to turn a player into a devoted man, just by learning to TRUST him.

If you still think that trust is a bad idea when it comes to men, consider the plight of my client, Jessica. A 37-year-old lawyer from Chicago, Jessica had been burned by men too many times, which is how she found herself single for 11 years after her divorce.

After dealing with multiple cases of infidelity, the hardest thing in the world for her to believe was that there were some truly nice men who would be loyal to her forever.

As a result, Jessica came up with a whole set of “rules” she lived her life by: do background checks on each new man to make sure he’s on the up-and-up, don’t waste time with a man if he’s not completely in love after a few weeks, don’t sleep with a man for at least 3 months, and so on.

Well, guess what? Jessica’s rules – designed to protect her – pushed every single guy away – for 11 years. She thought that this just meant she hadn’t met the “right” guy.

What she hadn’t considered is that the “right” guy (myself, for example) probably wouldn’t feel too good when dating a woman who treats him like a common criminal, who refuses to sleep with him, and who doesn’t understand why he won’t say “I love you” until he’s really positive he means it…

Jessica means well, but her methods are backfiring and preventing men from connecting to her.

Which is why, no matter what your past experience is, it’s always in your best interests to play it cool. Take it from a guy, you may think you’re being smart by gathering information to protect yourself, but all it does is drive most men away.

No matter what your past experience is, it’s always in your best interests to play it cool.

The hard truth is that he doesn’t know yet whether he wants to be with you in the long-term. He won’t know after three dates. He won’t know after three months.

(By the way, YOU might not know if you want HIM long-term either. You just want to make sure that it’s YOU who’s doing the heartbreaking, not him.)

My overall message is that you have to let the relationship play itself out at an organic pace, instead of trying to look into the future. The more you push for clarity – especially when he doesn’t have any himself – the less likely that he’s going to stick around.

I illustrate this, and so much more, in “Why He Disappeared.” Click here to learn how to leave the past behind and stay in the present with each new guy…

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Comments:

  1. 1
    BeenThereDoneThat

    This should be taped to everyone’s mirror! Why rush to the finish line?

  2. 2
    Denise

    I agree with this sentiment wholeheartedly.  I would like to add a couple of things though:

    1.  It’s inherent and instinctual for women to want to know the ‘mystery’ of life, and this man sitting in front of us at that time is part of that mystery.  ie. is he ‘the one’, etc.  We can’t help going in this direction so we don’t need to beat ourselves up about it either.  Having said that, we can definitely train ourselve to be present minded when we find we’re getting ahead of ourselves.  Yoga is a great way to get trained in being present minded–so when our instincts take over, we can use our higher brains to reign ourselves in.

    2.  When I’m on a first date, I am DEFINITELY paying attention for signs in the conversation about these two things mentioned in the post:

    “Is he financially stable?”
    “Does he have a good relationship with his mom, his sister, and his exes?”

    I do NOT interrogate, but am paying attention during conversation about clues about these and other things, like his relationship with his children.  It does not mean he is Mr. Right if he’s good in these types of areas, but this is how I stay away from men who live in, create and/or like negative drama.  (I am serverely allergic to drama, except romantic-like drama, like a dinner with candles :)

  3. 4
    Rachelle

    Wow, good article and very timely!   I think I may have interrogated my date last night!  Poor guy. 

  4. 5
    shelley

    wow, this was perfect timing.  i’m currently seeing a coworker and have been pressing him for clarity which seems like it’s pushing him away.  thanks for the tip.  i love the idea of letting things progress at an organic pace.  it’s hard for me because i’m all about mircowaving things.

  5. 6
    Denise

    #3 Steve

    Haha, almost fell off the chair when I saw ORLEANS! 

    Let me ask you this, can you as a man understand (or do you buy) into why women get ahead of themselves as a matter of course?

    We as women are doing all this work to accept men as the species they are, it would be nice to hear a man articulate that he is trying to better understand women and why we do what we do.   Other than, ‘I listen to her and refrain from solving her problem’, or ‘I bring her flowers now and then’–those are doing things, tactical.

    #4 Rachelle

    LOL, good for you for recognizing it, I cannot tell you how many women NEVER get this, or don’t want to get it. 

    When I hear stories of women doing this, or especially invading the guys boundaries by acting like his mother and/or taking over his life, I always think “Poor Guy” :)

  6. 7
    P.

    I agree with all this, but I always disagree with Evan’s stance on sex. To Evan, the girl needs to kiss him on the first or second date and she needs to sleep with him within a few weeks. If I guy hasn’t decided after 3 months if he wants a relationship with me, why do I have to sleep with him until he’s figured it out? I don’t want to sleep with a guy i’ve only known a few weeks.

  7. 8
    Denise

    #7 P.

    Then don’t!  Do what is good for you, then you’ll never go wrong.

  8. 9
    SS

    Exactly P.
     
    I don’t HAVE to sleep with anyone. Yes, some men might move on because I’ve decided I want to wait until a committed relationship before having sex, but I really hope we haven’t gotten to the point where we’re accepting the idea that men have a “right” to sex from a woman that they’re just dating.
     
    I did not sleep with my husband until four months of dating. I told him exactly what I said here… I do not have sex outside of a committed relationship. If he chose to move on because of that, I would not have cared. I will not compromise on an area that could be detrimental to my emotional health, not to mention my physical health. There is a legitimate health issue we’re talking about here, and I always made a potential partner go and get tested and show me the results before we became sexually active.
    My husband waited because he felt I was worth it. But women should not be having sex with men out of fear that they might move on if they don’t do it in the man’s prescribed timeline. I’m sorry, but that’s not anything close to sexual freedom and sexual liberation if women are feeling pressured to have sex when they are not ready because a man might move on.

  9. 10
    Still Looking

    #7 P
    While every person must make his or her own decision on when to kiss or have sex with a date, I for one find a date’s attitude toward physical intimacy to be a very important trait.  I never have sex with a woman unless I’m sure that I’d like to see her again and I’d like my date to have a similar view.  I wouldn’t want to see a woman who considers sex as something precious, to be doled out as a rare treat or treasure.
    I may not know for several months if I’m ready for an exclusive relationship but if I detect that a woman looks upon sex as a chore or a bargaining chip, I’m not interested in her any longer.  A statement of “why do I HAVE to sleep with a guy” would make me assume the woman is more prudish than I prefer.  You never “have” to sleep with anyone; I just think that if the chemistry is there it is something both parties would enjoy doing together.
    I’m not sure how most guys view sex but my desire to see a woman again would not diminish on the basis of having sex after a few dates or even a first date.  My desire to see a woman would dissipate, however, if I thought she was applying a magical number of dates or time period before engaging in sex.  I’m not sure how I would respond if a woman demanded that we were in an exclusive relationship prior to having sex.  It hasn’t happened yet.

    1. 10.1
      uigs

      @Still Looking

      “I wouldn’t want to see a woman who considers sex as something precious, to be doled out as a rare treat or treasure. ”

      Wow!  Uhm, sex is precious and amazing, you don’t want a woman who thinks it is, maybe keep on looking and looking and looking.  I don’t think a woman should use sex as a bargaining chip but I do believe as a woman that sex is precious and any man I kiss will know my passion and know that I am not a prude, but sex is precious and I am not giving it out to any bloke that I’ve known for a few dates, or weeks.  I’ll do all else and man will be very happy, but they still want to to put it in.. and they are not unless they aren’t putting it in anywhere else.  And that’s how it is.  So keep on looking babe and maybe one day when you realize it makes sense for a woman not to be allowing a man to double dip —- you might actually wake up!!!

  10. 11
    Bren

    How exactly do we navigate this? I have tended to let things play out the way you say… just watch and they will show you who they are… I have no problem with this method… because I do enjoy the process of getting to know people…
    Recently one man pretended to like my dog… All in one short visit he spilled the beans revealing that..he really does not like dogs… He also claimed to be a Christian (trusted him) but finally told me of his convoluted idea of Evolution backed into Christianity theory… He got into a heated debate with my son in law in my home…about something he was terribly misinformed about… Fortunately my son in law saw the wisdom in backing down and letting him just have his way… for the sake of not wanting to make a scene…as this man was insisting on doing…. It seemed that he NEEDED to be right! I had invited him to come for dessert and in the short time he was here… so much was revealed…It was as if I did not even know him…but I thought I did… It made for a rather sad ending on Thanksgiving day…
    Then there was the sweet and adorable guy… who had one too many drinks one evening… and had an abusive irrational outburst treatingvery badly… and scaring me… His excuse was that he treated me like his ex treated him….He said he was not ready to let go of his bitterness for her…and did not know if he ever would…. I had just began to see his bitterness for her surfacing… Earlier that evening I asked him about the idea of forgiveness… so that he could move forward…. he seemed resistant so I did not press him..Later that evening came the nasty irrational behavior…
    Basically they were telling me what they thought I wanted to hear all along…  In my profile I talk about things that are important to me..and trusted that someone would not be deceptive….
    I now have MUST LOVE DOGS on there….and a little more about how important I believe faith is in relationship… etc.
    So… Evan…where is the happy medium between asking the important questions up front… and wasting your time?
    I’m sure I sound like someone who has been lied to….and truly do not want to interrogate anyone…  It is disheartening to find that people are less than honest about their true feelings…and say what they think you want to hear…
    My ex husband held up a facade for 13 years…..(which it turns out has always been his pattern). Now…I’m finding other men through on line dating doing the same….
    Is it me? Am I doing something wrong? I have a friendly profile and also have expressed what is important to me….not in a threatening way but in a conversational manner…. thinking this would allow men to realize that we are either together on these things or not…. It seems that they may think that once I like them I might deal with the major difference they chose to leave out… regarding faith differences etc..
     

  11. 12
    NN

    I don’t have those problems since I meet men just to have a good time.
    No sex included, since most men are not f*ckable.
     
    I only f*ck those I have hots for, and I know those men when I see them. Others are just friends, (since the difference between a friendship and relationship is sex, and I don’t have sex for any other reason than because I’m sexually attracted to the man in question..)
    I prefer selibacy till then since I don’t prostitute myself to have lukewarm companionship.
     
    But I do have a lot of male friends.. =D… They know my stance, and they can live with it.. If they don’t, that is their problem and I find new friends.
     
    So why would I want to know where that relationship is heading? Since it heading nowhere when I am not interested sexually… and if he can change my mind, then fine.. so far (last 4 times within last 10 years) it has gone nowhere, as sexually no-show man is sexually no-show no matter what he does.

  12. 13
    SJZ

    Hi Bren, #11
    I have run into the same thing you have. I write a clear profile telling men what I am looking for and then find out we really do not agree on most of the important things in life. I don’t quite get it. Sometimes I think they are just looking at the pictures and not reading the profile. I hate to sound like I am interrogating anyone but, how do you know if a man has read your profile or not and really means what he has said? So many profiles are so generic that I have no idea who the man really is. I guess there is a long learning curve on this whole thing. I still don’t get it and I have been on and off on line dating for 3 years!

  13. 14
    Karl R

    Denise said: (#6)
    “it would be nice to hear a man articulate that he is trying to better understand women and why we do what we do.   Other than, [...] –those are doing things, tactical.”

    I’m sensing a double-standard.

    When you try to discover: “Does he have a good relationship with his mom, his sister, and his exes?” you’re seeking tactical information. By focusing on specific individuals, you’re trying to determine how we relate to women in general … therefore, how we’ll potentially relate to you in the hypothetical future.

    When you refrain from interrogating us (because you’ve learned that behavior pushes us away), you’ve applying purely tactical information.

    If you were purely seeking knowledge for its own sake, you’d be equally interested in trying to understand why the 80 year old man blatantly stares at your butt in the grocery store.

    Of course I try to understand women. I do it so I can apply that knowledge to my benefit. I practically have to, if only for self-defense. Since you’re trying to understand men for the same self-serving purposes, I’m not seeing where the difference is between you doing it and me doing it.

    Denise said: (#6)
    “can you as a man understand (or do you buy) into why women get ahead of themselves as a matter of course?”

    Sure. You want to know the future before it happens. You want to avoid getting hurt. You want to avoid investing your time, energy and emotions into a dead-end relationship.

    And a potential relationship allows you to play that tantalizing “what if” game.

    Denise said: (#3)
    “Does he have a good relationship with his mom”

    What if I don’t?

    My mother suffers from an anxiety disorder (OCD), and it warped our entire family life as we grew up. After I was on my own, we fought at least half the time we were in contact with each other. When I suggested that professional counseling might be beneficial, she took offense and our relationship disintegrated.

    We haven’t spoken in five years. As a consequence, it’s a lot easier for me to maintain an even keel than when we spoke regularly.

    But I’m not going to mention my mother to a date without bringing up the entire context. Otherwise, I’m judged by that one snippet of information.

    And that’s what Evan is warning against.

  14. 15
    ValleyForgeLady

    Women who are seeking a committed relationship walk a fine line of either seeking a future too soon or staying to long in a dead end relationship. I have done the go with with the flow with so many wrong men that I find myself talking myself out of any man to avoid the pain of knowing that I have made another bad choice.  This seems like a no win situation.

    I am facing the New Year with a ” why bother attitude”.  I find the men on line to be passive and unavailable.  I hear from the very young and the far away guys.  The guys my age and close to home just look and do nothing.   Or I hear from them via email and phone and they disappear……and then reappear.  What is a lady supposed to do?

    My problem with help-the-ladies find love community is the idea that we cause our own problems.  I am paralyzed with all this self blame.

  15. 16
    Diana

    To P #7, to answer your question, “No. You do not have to sleep with him for any reason under any circumstance.” You should only sleep with him when it feels right to you, and when you are ready. A lot of women will sleep with a man for a variety of reasons that have little to do with how they truly feel.
     
    My personal approach is not to create a rigid or pre-determined time line with regard to “when” would I sleep with a man, though I do know that I am not a first-date kind of woman nor likely to during the first few dates. I do need a certain amount of time to develop a sense of trust and comfort-ability before engaging in such an intimate act. But if I really liked the man, I am sure I’d let him know my feelings, such as looking forward to our being together, etc., so he’d know there was hope. :) And if the man couldn’t respect my feelings and be mature enough to realize  that I wasn’t playing games, well then we’d both know that we weren’t a good match.

  16. 17
    Steve

    Rachelle 4

    Wow, good article and very timely!   I think I may have interrogated my date last night!  Poor guy.

     
    My only shit test is if a woman gives me too many shit tests.
    I’m on the date to have a good time and get to know a human being.   If that isn’t happening there are other places to be and other people to be with.

  17. 18
    Diana

    Are you sure these thoughts are “unconscious?” I know plenty of women who have these conscious thoughts right out of the gate, maybe even before they meet the guy! :)
     
    This article kind of made me chuckle because the guy’s doing something similar: “Will she be good in bed; I wonder when she’ll sleep with me; I hope she’s not a drama queen or a gold digger or crazy like my ex.” But it is true that most women haven’t mastered slowing themselves down and compartmentalizing, and living only in the moment. Totally understandable and against our nature. :)
     
    What’s interesting to me is that I don’t understand why letting a guy know what you’re looking for or talking about former relationships (even in the beginning) means that you don’t trust him. If he lets me know what he’s looking for or asks about my former relationships, does that mean he doesn’t trust me? Maybe it has to do with whether they seem to be interrogating you?
     
    I agree that no one should enter into dating assuming the worst. Our thoughts have a way of delivering what we believe. If you are the kind of woman who doesn’t trust men, guess who will cross your path. If I had a bad vibe about a guy, to the point of wanting to do a background check, I’d likely never agree to date him. And lasting love (not lust or infatuation) takes time to grow, and setting a must meet deadline regarding sex is going to be a show stopper for most guys.
     
    But I get the message: no one wants to feel pushed, untrusted or being toyed with, so learn to go with the flow, stop it with all of the expectations, over analyzing, and negativity, and just enjoy each others company and see where life takes you.

  18. 19
    Diana

    To SJZ #13, I feel your pain. I believe that, initially, the majority of men in OLD only view the photo, scan the stats, and don’t take the time to read the profile. I think you can sort of gauge the men who do read profiles by looking at how they write their own, but I could be wrong. They’re playing the numbers game and hoping that someone will respond. If the woman does respond, then he’ll read her profile (hopefully).
     
    If I receive a flirt or an email where there’s no evidence that it appears he read my profile, I don’t respond, unless it’s the generic, “No thank you.” If he did view my profile, but doesn’t mention anything in his email, I will usually respond with a comment about his and what did he like in my profile.

  19. 20
    Denise

    #14 Karl R

    So, some of my posts are getting mixed up in regard to meaning.

    “it would be nice to hear a man articulate that he is trying to better understand women and why we do what we do.   Other than, [...] –those are doing things, tactical.”

    I was trying to get to the reptilian/instinctual brain of women–things we cannot control about our species.  When a women understands that a man is bottom line ALL about sex at his instinctual level, then it becomes a lot easier to understand a lot of his behavior and desires.  (Before anyone goes crazy, I do not mean by any stretch that’s ALL men want.  That goes into the mammalian and higher brains, which is not what I was referring to)  It’s easier to become less defensive about it and more easy going, light hearted.  It helps to not have negative feelings towards a man because he’s caught up in sex in his brain 24/7–he can’t help it. 

    If a man understands about a woman’s need to know and solve mysteries, that’s it’s instinctual and she can’t help it, then maybe he can nagivate that a little better with her, perhaps to reassure her in a different way.   Sure, one could stay this is tactical, but I see it as being strategic.  (I think of tactical is, ‘Gee, I know she likes flowers, so I will bring her flowers and that will make her happy’, then he doesn’t do the other things that she needs instictively and wonders why she’s not happy, “Geez, I’m bringing her flowers, why isn’t she happy?”)

    You want to know the future before it happens. You want to avoid getting hurt. You want to avoid investing your time, energy and emotions into a dead-end relationship.

    These are two different things.  One deals with the reptilian/instinctual brain (You want to know the future before it happens), the others deal with the mammalian and higher brains–these work with emotions, reasoning, beliefs and are unique to each human being.  I am only referring to the instinctual part of this need to solve mysteries.  (By the way, a way a man can build attraction with a woman is to create mystery.  This is powerful stuff.)

    “Does he have a good relationship with his mom”
    What if I don’t?
    But I’m not going to mention my mother to a date without bringing up the entire context.”

    Then don’t bring it up proactively, any of it.  I do not interrogate people, so I would NEVER ask someone on a first date what their relationship is with their mother.

    I’ll re-iterate what I said above:   but am paying attention during conversation about clues about these and other things, like his relationship with his children.  I’m trying to get a picture of a man’s overall character and ability to ‘do relationships’.

    In the course of a date, there are many, many things to talk about (I hope!).  As a matter of fact, I would be wary of a man that brought up a situation like you describe on the first date.  Not about the challenges of the situation specifically, the fact that he would bring something up like this with someone he really doesn’t know.

    No one’s life is perfect or without struggles, I’m not looking for perfection.

  20. 21
    Denise

    #18 Diana

    But I get the message: no one wants to feel pushed, untrusted or being toyed with, so learn to go with the flow, stop it with all of the expectations, over analyzing, and negativity, and just enjoy each others company and see where life takes you.

    Well said!  I think it’s instructive for women to talk to themselves using this kind of language when they are feeling anxious about the need to know where he’s at, what he’s thinking, etc.  What works for me is to visualize ‘leaning back’, take a deep breath and tell myself that God has a plan for me, so relax and enjoy the moment and the rest will take care of itself. 

    What’s interesting to me is that I don’t understand why letting a guy know what you’re looking for or talking about former relationships (even in the beginning) means that you don’t trust him. If he lets me know what he’s looking for or asks about my former relationships, does that mean he doesn’t trust me? Maybe it has to do with whether they seem to be interrogating you?

    Yes, it’s not the questions per se, it’s how they are being asked and in what context.  If it’s appropriate for the conversation that’s going on, asking a man if he ever sees himself getting married again doesn’t seem to violate any trust in my mind, and I think he would agree.  Vice versa as well.  Asking about all the intimate details about his past relationships and then commenting on things could bring up some trust issues (even trust in regard that he’s not going to be accepted for the person he is). 

  21. 22
    Denise

    #15 Valley Forge Lady

    :(  I think we can sympathize with you.  It’s always somewhat of a crap shoot when we get involved with someone. There is always the chance of getting hurt, even when things are 100% ‘perfect’ (believe me, been there, the timing of our lives was off, very disappointing).

    It sounds to me like your femininity feeling is on the low side.  When that happens, we have less passion for ourselves, less passion for men, less passion for life.

    Femininity = Obtaining resources from men (time, attention, labor,  humor, affection, money–some or all of these) + Purpose greater than self

    I have no idea what your situation is, but would suggest, if you’re not already, to not rely 100% on on-line dating.  Interact with men in PERSON everywhere you go, it doesn’t matter if they are married or single, that’s not the point.  The point is to have them open doors for you (labor), to chat with them in line at the grocery store (attention), have them  help you with something (labor), have them make you laugh (humor)–I’m sure you get the gist of what I’m saying.  If you can do this, and pay attention to the way you feel as a result of those interactions, you will feel your femininity get a boost and your outlook will change.

  22. 23
    ValleyForgeLady

    Denise……….. You are a dear to address my concerns. Actually I have wonderful problems….I know that men find me attractive but finding a significant connection is a challenge.  I did find Evan’s article on Pretty girls who cannot find boy friends…..on the upper right of this blog.   It made a lot of sense….it is a numbers game and it does take time.  On this New Year’s Eve I celebrate that I am not in a dead end relationship and that I know the New Year brings lots of promise in the economy and in my love life.  This is true for all of us if we take on the right attitude!  ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING….THAT IS WHY WE ARE HERE!

  23. 24
    Ruby

    I think there are ways to discover things about a date in a casual way without interrogating them. And you can have physical intimacy with someone without having sex right away. In my experience, a man who truly likes you will wait until you are ready for sex, and I’ve only had one man move on because he didn’t get laid by the 3rd date. Not a big loss.
     
    Lots of people present a facade online (and off). That’s why I believe in dating more than one person at a time in the beginning and getting to know each other gradually. Two or three months is certainly a reasonable amount of time to take to see if someone is relationship material, which is what dating is all about. Most people won’t be.

  24. 25
    Katarina Phang

    Amen…brother!  The more you are relaxed and enjoy the experience as it unfolds, the better you get whether it is ballet, football, sex or dating/relationship.
     
    I have put it to test first hand.  It works wonderfully.

  25. 26
    starthrower68

    I think I may have this dating thing figured out: act like a man; but on the other hand, don’t act like a man.  What??

  26. 27
    Selena

    LOL Star!

  27. 29
    AS

    When you’re really keen on meeting someone, or feeling deflated from going on numerous dates and not meeting the right man, that’s often when you’re more likely to think about the future and not pay attention or enjoy the present moment. Coupled with fast-paced lifestyles that many people lead, they feel that they do not want to waste time (as they do not have much expendable social time) so they approach dating as a potential employer seeking a husband. Of course, this is not going to bring out either their best qualities or that of their date’s, potentially resulting in them losing out on a great realtionship opportunity…

  28. 30
    Michael17

    AS, this might be related to your point. As a guy, I am noticing–my experience and that of my male friends–is how women often seem to come to a “yes/no” conclusion at the end of a first date/meet-up, in a way that doesn’t serve anyone.
     
    The thing is, it seems that they say “no” so quickly that I’m wondering if women are passing up on second dates with guys who would be great for them. Many of us guys are scratching our heads here because the first date/meet-up seemed to go well, with easily flowing conversation, a kiss by the end of the night, even holding hands. We’ve basically got our lives together too. But she still doesn’t want to see us again. What did we do for her to be certain there’s no point in us seeing each other again? She still doesn’t know us! What was she looking for?
     
    And then when they do say “yes” to a second date, they overwhelm the guy with all this talk of The Future. We start to feel crowded here. Just because we agreed to a second date doesn’t mean that we’re thinking of settling down or that we want to stop dating other people. Can’t we just enjoy each other’s company here?
     
    What I am getting at is that as a male, it seems that women and their selection criteria is out of whack. On the one hand, your gender seems to be writing off guys who might actually be great for you in the long run because we don’t check the boxes off some arbitrary list. On the other hand, you meet someone who is clearly all wrong for you but go for him anyway because of “the chemistry”. [The "Rockstar" blog is a little extreme, but it was along the lines of what I was thinking about.]

    1. 30.1
      Cat

      #30-Michael17
      You want to kiss and hold hands on a first date but not be crowded if you get to the second after that whirlwind first? Hmmmm. Sounds like you think a woman who accepts a first date kiss/hand hold is implying a future date–and you get mad when it turns out they don’t–yet you don’t want to hear any such talk on a second date… Bit of a double standard.

      Also, women have these same complaints about men. It’s a unisex complaint. One side thinks the first date is incredible and assumes the second only to find out it’s not happening and have no idea why… But if you’re a woman, you read this book and understand why.

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