Does a Man Always Ask Out a Woman If He’s Interested In Her?

Does a Man Always Ask Out a Woman If He’s Interested In Her?Evan, I have a common problem that you’ve responded to lots of times: I fooled myself into thinking that my friend of 10 years had feelings for me, and when I mustered up the nerve to tell him, I was shot down. I thought I had read the signs right. We talked almost every day, he told me I was hot, he told me that he fantasized about me, and we went traveling together. He never actually made a move on me though. Now that I know my feelings are not returned, I’ve cut him out of my life so that I can move on and find someone who truly does love me. I have to admit though, that this whole experience has left me scarred. I was wondering if you could explain how to avoid a situation like this in the future. Do men always ask out a woman they’re immediately interested in? Does love never grow over time? Does the romantic story of “When Harry Met Sally” really just exist in the movies? –Angelina

Angelina, sweetheart. I’ve never answered this question before, and I’m glad you shared your story with me. It definitely hurts to have a long-time unrequited love and I’d be lying to you if I said that I never experienced the exact same thing.

So believe me when I tell you, everything you’re going through is very common – and, not only that, but this will NEVER ever happen to you again. Okay?

First of all, you have to stop beating yourself up over the outcome of your friendship. Any woman in a similar position would have read all of those signs in the same way. I can’t think of many guys who will tell you you’re attractive and claim to fantasize about you, who aren’t at least somewhat interested in something more than friendship.

Usually, when there’s smoke, there’s fire. In this case, there was not.

C’est la vie.

It definitely hurts to have a long-time unrequited love and I’d be lying to you if I said that I never experienced the exact same thing.

But there are some things that you could have been ignoring the entire time you were with him that led to this crisis. The first thing that I can think of is that he’s not some shy beta male who had a crush on you for ten years and was too embarrassed to make a move.

I’m guessing that maybe 25% of guys are that way. Maybe more, but I don’t know too many men like that. Guys who are the way I was in high school – befriending all the pretty girls in hopes of getting close to them, only to discover that you’re in the friend zone.

But for all the other men out there who got the memo in third grade that if you find someone attractive, you ask her out, the easiest thing to do is simply observe them.

If he asks you out, he’s interested. If he doesn’t, he’s not.

I’m guessing, Angelina, that your guy was in the top 75%. Which meant that if he liked you, at some point over 10 years, he would have let you know it.

So, looking back on your history, was your friend somewhat confident, charismatic, and funny? Did he have any other girlfriends? Any random hookups? Did he tell you about other women and ask you for advice on them?

If so, I could have told you from the beginning that he saw you as just a friend.

Men see women as just friends in four fundamental ways:

1. He’s not attracted to you at all – which makes friendship really easy to maintain, without all the sexual tension of the “When Harry Met Sally” friendship.

2. He’s taken and content in his relationship – which makes you off-limits, and even if he is attracted to you, he wouldn’t do anything about it.

3. He’s hooked up with you before – so the mystery and excitement is gone and you can just enjoy each other’s company as friends.

4. He’s a mature adult who’s had enough sex to understand that just because he’s attracted to someone doesn’t mean she’d be a viable girlfriend/life partner, so it’s best not to act on that attraction.

I can only make such a list because there I am friends with women under all four of those pretenses – I’m not attracted to her, I’ve hooked up with her before, I’ve slept around and don’t need to do it again, and I’m married and not ruining a good thing.

So when you’re assessing future friendships with men, first ask yourself whether he’s the shy, awkward guy who may be repressing his true feelings for you.

If he’s not, he’s probably not interested in you and is one of the four men above.

Any questions?

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Comments:

  1. 121
    Angel

    There have men that instead of making things easy for me and asking me out, they tell other people to say things to me and they sneak around and play stupid games and create stress in me that I get to a point where I am thinking about commiting myself into a hospital because of their stupidity. If they could just approch me just say hello and we can move on from there, but NO! they just have to get me to a point where I just want to get commited to a hospital of call the police on them. My god, really!

    1. 121.1
      JoJOe

      Always be grateful for the men that never call, never show up, never come along, never enter your space. Be cheerful and be thankful they never came along, to your door, out of the woodwork, across the floor.
      Be happy knowing they were never suppose to come along on your ride, your journey. Sweep any hostility aside and smile knowing they were never meant to. Be secure in knowing this and watch the magic in your life surround you. I know this to be true. I’ve come along way “baby” and I’ve snatched the pebble. I’ve tossed it into the pond knowing that holding onto my vices was ridiculous but letting go started the ripples on the shores of tomorrow. Oh, I’m on a roll today. HA.

  2. 122
    Angel

    Either they talk and approch me in a appropraite way or  they need to leave me alone. They need to choose!!!! I will call the police on them if they don’t leave me alone. People can talk to me, but when they do thing like what they have been doing I will document and I will call the ploice on whomever.

  3. 123
    Eliot

    75% of men are Alpha males? Seriously?

    Evan, I’m betting you are an attractive women, by most standards. As such, you can’t base this presumption about “men who got the memo in the third grade” on your experiences. How insulting you are.

    I’m guessing that you encounter Alpha males all the time, I don’t doubt. Most reasonably attractive women do. But to abdicate women’s responsibility for asking men out on that basis is irresponsible, in my view.

    While I feel for Angelina, and I know her feelings got hurt, guess what? Her story has happen dozens if not hundreds of times to most men. A man will meet a woman. She will seem interested, even agree to go on a date. Then, usually because she got a better offer, she will cancel; or it will turn out she just really wanted a free meal; or she will stand the man up just to get back at other men; or she will go out with you just to make the guy she really likes jealous; or she will purposefully misunderstand your “date” while she in fact has a boyfriend.

    This is the world of single men. These are the minefields they face. Angelina, that feeling you’re feeling right now? Confusion, rejection, disappointment? That happens so often for men, it’s like air.

    So yes, Erin is right that it’s just the cost of expressing your feelings. And I agree that, if being around him is too painful, then you can no longer be friends. But I disagree with Erin that it’s a good idea to “read the signs.” Why, when it’s so much simpler: if you think you like a guy, ask him out. Know that he might say no, even if he’s attracted to you. In fact, I kind of give this guy props if his reason for not going out was he wanted to keep the friendship or he didn’t think you’d have a good relationship. Of course, if that were true, I take the props back, because why is he telling you those things? Still, you were right to ask him out, and you should do it more often, if you think you might be interested in someone.

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