Does My Ex-Girlfriend Still Want Me Back or Is She Just Using Me?

Dear Evan,
My girlfriend and I started dating in August of 2007. We became really close, not just to each other, but to each other’s friends and family as well. We talked on the phone at least 4 times a day, and nothing seemed to be holding us back. That was until early June, when she told me didn’t want a boyfriend anymore, because she wanted to enjoy her last summer of nursing school without having to “check in” with a boyfriend.

We didn’t see each other for a week, then she invited me to her sister’s house to watch the College World Series, and when we were leaving, she made out with me. We started seeing each other again, almost every day, and it was as if we were still dating, minus intimacy. We still talk on the phone multiple times a day and go out to parties and events together. We also attend church together every Sunday. She even talks about my future-whether I will be married or have children and whether or not she’ll be my wife and their mother. However, still, there’s NO intimacy beyond just a kiss on the lips.

To make matters worse, I think she’s dating an old boyfriend named Ben. There have been several occasions where I’ve invited her to attend an event, and she couldn’t, only to later to find out that she was out with Ben. Even one of her friends has said she is dating Ben!

I just don’t get it….is she dating Ben?  Is she dating me?  Is just playing us both?  Is this the way she is with her close guy friends?  I am so confused.

LJ

If you, dear reader, have ever been this position – wondering where you stand with someone who seems to have feelings with you, but doesn’t really act on it – please click on this link:

http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/best-of-evan-marc-katz/

Go to the section marked: If You’re Dating a Man Who Won’t Call, Commit, or Make an Effort For You. There are seven articles that deal with different variations on this question. All of the questions are from women, but, thanks to LJ, we can now add one from a man.

So here’s the deal, bro:

The only two people who are confused are you and your ex. She’s confused and is sending mixed signals. You’re confused because she’s sending mixed signals. But, from the outside, it’s pretty clear what’s going on.

You may have a piece of her heart, but you don’t have her respect right now.

You’re her best friend, and even if she doesn’t see herself marrying you, she definitely doesn’t want to lose her best friend. She also knows that you are hung up on her, and that you will do whatever she asks. This gives her way too much power over you – and, for what it’s worth – doesn’t make you any more attractive to her. You may have a piece of her heart, but you don’t have her respect right now.

Just as clearly, you don’t even have respect for yourself right now. Which is why you’re willing to talk on the phone multiple times a day, go to church together, and put up with her seeing her ex-boyfriend – and STILL not be angry enough to walk away.

In short, she’s using you. Not because she’s an evil person. Not because she doesn’t care about you or wish you the best. Nope. She’s using you because she CAN. She’s using you because you LET her. She’s using you because she’d rather have you in her life on HER terms and hope that you’ll put up with it. She’s using you because people are inherently selfish and will invariably do what’s best for THEM.

So your ex gets to keep her best friend, confidante, and church buddy; she gets to mess around with other guys on the side; she gets to keep your undying love and devotion – and she doesn’t have to give ANYTHING up. What’s her incentive to stop talking with you every day? That’s right! There IS none.

That’s why expecting her to give up the benefits of her relationships with both you and Ben is foolish. As long as you are cool with being used, you get the relationship you deserve. A relationship with a woman who has so little respect for you that she’ll see her ex-boyfriend publicly, and still hint to you that you two may be married one day.

She’s using you because you LET her.

You claim to be confused, LJ, but really, that’s a smokescreen. You need to recognize that a woman who loves you doesn’t date another guy, a woman who cares about you doesn’t keep you on the hook after you break up, a woman who wants you physically doesn’t keep things platonic.

And yet you ignore all this evidence and claim to be confused about your relationship.

I hope, after reading this, that you’re no longer confused.

I hope, after reading this, you’re angry.

I hope, after reading this, you move on.

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Comments:

  1. 31
    Steve

    @Max, post # 30

    Wow. I will remember your story the next time I hear some woman going off about how men are (always) the operators and how women (always) get pushed into being their foolish doormats.

    Get an unlisted phone number, stop taking calls from the psycho-vixen, apologize to your ex-steady if you haven’t, give her permission to move on and keep working at doing so yourself.

  2. 32
    thomas

    Virgogirl, that is the difference between men and women…

    When a man is molested, it is looked at as acceptable and the guy should just put up with it. When it happens to a woman, then it becomes a crime.

    I have had unwanted advances from women in the past and complained to some of my female and would ask advice to get the unwanted woman to stop. The usual reaction, they call me a pussy.

    It is a double standard that guys have to deal with. If we are not willing to give in to any woman’s attempt to get our attention, some people think that there is something wrong with us, that we are not true men.

  3. 33
    The InBetweener

    @thomas Comment #32

    “If we are not willing to give in to any woman’s attempt to get our attention, some people think that there is something wrong with us, that we are not true men.”

    Pay no attention to the ignorant fools that think these things. Some of my “SUPER-EXTRA” ignorant friends think with their penis. They actually get upset when I turn down sex from an ex or just mutual female friends. (especially when it comes easy to me) It’s not that I don’t think they are attractive, I just don’t want to have sex with someone that has no problem “JUST” having sex for the sake of having it. Thing that they don’t realize is, just about anyone can get sex ANYWHERE. In my opinion, the desperate ones take what they can get. I prefer to pick and choose. Just goes to show the mentality of some humans.

  4. 34
    hunter

    Thomas, are you being approached by the not so sexy, women?…If you are, I understand what you are saying…..

  5. 35
    thomas

    It is not that they are not sexy, it is that they are with a guy. I see a number of women with a guy just for the sake of being with a guy. They will string him along until something better comes up. If that happens to be me, I try to be nice about it. I may put up with it for a moment, but I always walk away.

    I remember years ago, there was a woman that I would hang out with once in awhile. She started to get too close, so I tried to put up some walls so that she would back away. After awhile, she asked me if I was gay. In response, I asked her if it mattered. I told her that she had a guy and that she should be putting more attention towards him instead of me. She did not like my attitude and threw a temper tantrum.

    There was another a few years prior to her. It started out with simple conversation. Eventually, when I would see at a bar with her freinds, she would come over, grab my beer, and take a drink in front of me, and then engage in conversation. Eventually, she started to ask me to walk her to her car. At that point, I would always says that I need to go off in a different direction. One evening, she looked me square in the eye and called me a pussy. On the other hand, she had been seeing the same guy for a few years.

    For some odd reason, I have only had women call me a pussy over the years. No guy has even said anything close to it. I have had several women call me that.

    I feel that if a woman is with a man and she comes after me, she is damaged goods. She needs to make up her mind and decide if she really wants to be with him or not. I am not going to be that guy that takes another’s woman.

    When a man and a woman are together, it should mean something. Even if they do not get along, even if it for the short term, even if it is just to share a bed, even if it is to split the rent, or what ever reason,…… when they are together, I do not want to have anything to do with them at that level.

    If a woman wants to have something to do with me, she needs to have a clean break, stay single for a month, a couple months, what ever, then things can start to roll with me.

    I have seen too many people in long term relationships that both parties really do not care for each other. It is as though they share a mail box and that is about it. I have seen where both men and women cheat, sleep around, or really do not have anything to with the other person. They say that they are in a relationship, but they have nothing to do with each other.

    Sometimes I talk to women and they ask me how long my longest relationship has lasted. When I tell them that it has only lasted a few months, they respond with that theirs has lasted years. When I talk to them more, it seems like they were never really together and that they went on their own separate ways early in the relationship. So many of my freinds have been married for 10 to 15 years, to only get divorced. When I talk to both parties, it was pretty much over about 2 years in. They only stayed together just to be with someone, anyone.

    Overall, people need to make up their mind, they need to decide if they really want to be with the other person and the other person feels the same way. Too many people get married just to get married.

    Same goes for relationships, too many people get into one just to get into one. If you are looking for something better, then do not string the other person along. If the other person is fine with it, then that is their problem. Call me a pussy, call me a fag, I am not going to be the next person that you run to while stringing the last boy friend along.

    Do not get me wrong, I love my ovaries. I just do not like them attached to extra baggage.

  6. 36
    Adrian

    amen to that thomas, you sir have my respetc.

  7. 37
    Adrian

    as you know, is much more than respect… more meaningful :D

  8. 38
    hunter

    Thomas, if a woman is seeing someone else and wants to see you, I don’t think she is damaged goods. Most women are highly intuitive, she may just be picking up good vibes from you and wants to investigate.

    Women operate off their feelings. Women don’t change their minds, their feelings change.

  9. 39
    cinnamon

    hunter,
    I think that while being in a relationship both men and women are likely to pick up good vibes from other people of opposite sex all the time. That’s unavoidable unless you lock yourself out from the outside world. Being faithfull means that you don’t go investigating it as long as you are in a relationship. It’s about respect and fidelity, and not about being intuitive or non-intuitive.

  10. 40
    Max

    @Steve,

    Thanks for the support. Have taken these steps, but have lost self-confidence big-time, and there are mood swings – one moment I feel filthy and used, the next, rational and compassionate towards her, and then angry and vindictive.

    Women – we can’t live with them, and we can’t live wihtout them. One night stand is the way to go, I’m thinking, one month outermost, and then walk away.

  11. 41
    Steve

    @Max, post #40

    Max, I wouldn’t conclude from one bad relationship with a user that one night stands are the way to go or that there is a problem with women ( several billion individuals ) in general.

    Obviously, the psycho-vixen is a special case and I’m sure a psychotherapist could find a problem to explain her behavior.

    Don’t be hard on yourself. In the dating arena everyone gets hurt. In the dating area almost everyone has to hurt or disappoint someone. You aren’t anyone special in that regard or worse. You got burned. It happens to many smart and nice people. That is life.

  12. 42
    Calisto100

    Completely agree with Steve, it’s impossible to arrive at any conclusions overall. Every situation is different.

  13. 43
    Anisa

    Steve and Calisto, you are right, but very much theory to me. Nowadays it seems like there are only very few persons who think like Thomas does. It seems like everybody is cheating on everybody. They are with someone and at the same time looking for another person. I have been approached by too many married men. With beautyful wifes and lovely kids etc. I respected them before. I have seen too many bad relationships. I have heared too many wifes saying: “If I would get a chance to live my life over again, I would never marry.”
    So I just can’t trust men anymore. It seems that I am not able anymore to trust a guy enough to take a next step. So, for me, no relationships at all. There are too many damaged and insecure people out there; too many men who believe that it is their instinct to hunt till the day they die and too many women who don’t mind to seduce married men.
    I have my kids, my home, my car, my job, my busy social life. For me only platonic friendships with men. And I am surprisingly happy with that. Life is too short.

  14. 44
    The InBetweener

    Basically, it all comes down to being selfish. That’s all.
    Most humans are “I want my cake…” type of people. I have a female friend who think this way and it’s sad to see her in a relationship that she abhors but would rather stay in until something better comes along.
    Meanwhile, back at the lab, she remains sexually unfaithful to him until her next “victim”.

  15. 45
    The InBetweener

    @Max, post #40
    “Women – we can’t live with them, and we can’t live wihtout them.”

    Not ENTIRELY true. It’s all about choice. Free will to “live with or without” is ENTIRELY up to the individual.

  16. 46
    hunter

    I think most women say they would never marry again, if they had to do it all over,(just a small complaint on their part, its alright to complain, a little bit) but, they don’t all, really mean it. ‘Cause most women are nice and comfy. It has been my experience, that when a woman wants a change in her life, she will set her mind on it and do it.

  17. 47
    hunter

    Anisa, I don’t think single men can compete with the love you have for your kids.

  18. 48
    Anisa

    Hunter, I do love my kids very much naturally, I even believe that the love from a mother to her children is the only real and pure love.
    But I don’t think there is competition in love for your kids and love for a man. A woman has very very much love to give.

    And that causes men today to behave like written in this comments. Women have been too nice and caring for men over the generations and too neglective to themselves. Men are too spoiled. But I hope (for my daughters AND my sons) and believe that it is going to change in this decade.

  19. 49
    Milan

    Break up is part of life and it happens for the good because had she/he been your life partner then she/he would have doomed your life. Be happy that you’ll be meeting a much better guy/gal because you really deserve a much better partner than the ex..Be positive,expect the best of everything. You two weren’t meant to be together so it had to happen, why should you long for someone who can’t see your love.
    Someone smart and a deserving one will be your boy/girl-friend because the old one was blind :-)
    Good for him/her.
    You deserve better, forget the past, live in today….like I am doing.
    Good luck!

  20. 50
    hunter

    “Break up is part of life.” Us men, we always leave, either, we walk away, or we get carried out in a pine box!…….

  21. 51
    trent

    plain and simple…..”Walk Away”

  22. 52
    CasualEncountersBlog

    Evan called this one. The man has been ensnared by the hairy lasso. Lose that crazy mixed-up brain-egg-laying parasite. Respect yourself and hit the road.

    Your friends are almost certainly all laughing at you behind your back, if that makes a difference.

  23. 53
    jason

    This is soooo true.  I’m going thru this right now.  Everything I read is exactly what’s going on with me.  She might care about me, but not the way I care for her.  She doesn’t respect me, I’m sure of it.  I don’t respect myself now that I have read this.  I need to respect myself.  I need to move on.  If it were that easy.

  24. 54
    Jason

    id rather feel pain then nothing at all. its sad but true. :(

  25. 55
    Jay74

    @ Jennifer.
    The call for anger comes for the fact that some women (and men) knowingly use the other person as the back-up guy.
    I’ve been in this same situation for a while now, hurt me like hell and I also did it to some women in the past.
    It’s not right, you’re dealing with someone’s feelings here, there’s no greater good.
    Fact of the matter is that people don’t like to talk about their feelings that much, but deep down both parties know where you stand.
    And so, if you know a dude has feelings for you than it means he is clouded in his Judgment and you have to protect the other sometimes.
    You cannot have the cake and eat it, some women (and men) go: “well, he’s an adult so it’s his choice”, but that’s BS, you don’t have a choice in the matter sometimes when you’re in love.
    It’s like Inbetweener illustrates, it’s selfishness.
    Me, I’ve learned that karma does exist in a way, or that what goes around comes around eventually, so do the right thing, someone has feelings for you and you don’t, cut them loose.

  26. 56
    Karl R

    Jay74 said: (#55)
    “Fact of the matter is that people don’t like to talk about their feelings that much, but deep down both parties know where you stand.
    And so, if you know a dude has feelings for you than it means he is clouded in his Judgment and you have to protect the other sometimes.”

    Not only do I disagree, but you contradict yourself.

    If one person doesn’t talk about their feelings, then the other person has no idea how they feel. Do you expect the person to read minds and somehow magically “know” that the other person has feelings for them?

    If you have feelings for someone and to the extent that it’s clouding your judgment, do you tell them that’s what is occurring? If not, how would that person know?

    If I’m dealing with an adult, what makes it my right and responsibility to decide that their judgment is clouded (when I have little to no evidence to make that determination) and choose that I need to protect that person from getting hurt, when that person does not want me to make that decision for them?

    Jay74 said: (#55)
    “some women (and men) go: ‘ell, he’s an adult so it’s his choice’ but that’s BS, you don’t have a choice in the matter sometimes when you’re in love.”

    You do have a choice, whether you decide to exercise it or not.

    If you have strong feelings for someone who isn’t reciprocating, you may not be able to change the way you feel, but you can change the way you act. You can cut yourself loose and give yourself enough space to get over the other person.

    You’re an adult. It’s time to man up and take responsibility for your own decisions. If you’re not ready for that, live with your parents.

  27. 57
    Passing By

    @Karl: I dont get people sometimes, or at least your kind, you are exactly like the ex girlfirnd in this blog story, only looking out for you and your needs….screams Selfishness, sounds like your trying to justify your actions as being ok She new her ex was madly in love with her, she broke it off with him, she started seeing someone else and playing him all while they where ment to be broken, you tell me what part of that you dont understand?
    she knows he loves her, yet instead of creating bounderies with in the fship she behaves as if there still in a relationship whilst she has someone else, let him loose, dont keep him around to feed your ego and to keep him around as an option, this is what Kay means about protecting the other person, she crossed the line!

  28. 58
    Karl R

    Passing By said: (#57)
    “I dont get people sometimes, or at least your kind, you are exactly like the ex girlfirnd in this blog story, only looking out for you and your needs….screams Selfishness,”

    It sounds to me like you expect the people around you to look out for your needs. That screams irresponsibility.

    Be an adult. Your date is not supposed to act as your mommy or daddy, making certain that you don’t make decisions that are bad for you. If your partner isn’t meeting your needs, you need to communicate that to your partner. If that doesn’t resolve the issue, you need to leave.

    Passing By said: (#57)
    “you tell me what part of that you dont understand?”

    I don’t understand why one person gets to abdicate responsibility for making their own decisions.

    LJ (original post) and Jay74 (#55) are adults. They do what they want to do. Why is it the ex’s responsibility to make a clean break when LJ and Jay74 don’t want that?

    Furthermore, if you’re dealing with someone who doesn’t know and/or doesn’t care that the situation is painful to you, why on earth would you put them in charge of making the decisions?

  29. 59
    Tony 65

    She is using you because you are letting her, thats it , she has no feelings for you whatsoever, not even as a friend.
     You are her plaything, cut ties altogether with her , tell her you think she.s casual and leave it at at that.

  30. 60
    Charlie Bones

    When someone you’re dating is talking about having children and getting married, then they’re either sincere, or they’re playing with your mind.  It sounds like the latter is happening in this case, since she’s clearly not committed to this one guy.  Sounds like she doesn’t know what she wants, and it’s better to cut off contact, then torture yourself wondering if she’ll ever come around to her senses.
    Trust me, these women grow into their 40s and still behave the same way.

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