Guys Who Call Too Much Or Guys Who Don’t Call Enough?

The biggest turn-off that women have in dating is the guy who calls too much.

You know him. He met you and was instantly smitten. He tells you how beautiful you are five times per conversation. He starts talking about how amazing you are even though he barely knows you. He texts, emails or calls a dozen times a day. He acts like you have a future together although you’re pretty sure you don’t know his middle name.

And strangely, despite all this attention – BECAUSE of all this attention – you are immediately turned off. The new guy is a shameless puppy dog, eager for your affection, desperate to win you over to feel as strongly as he does.

It never works. It’s too easy. It’s too lame. It’s too…something. But the eager guy never earns your respect. All because he was TOO excited about you.

Contrast that with the man who YOU’VE got a crush on. You have incredible chemistry with him, but you have no idea where you stand. He tells you that you’re beautiful…when he’s not dating other women. He sends you text messages…once a week when he wants you to come over. He treats you amazingly…or at least he did the last time you saw him. He gives no indication that he wants a future with you, and little indication that he even wants a present with you.

And you’re completely ga-ga for him.

What’s wrong with this picture?

The very qualities that are the MOST indicative of the potential to build a life together – consistency and dedication – are the ones that you value LEAST.

I ain’t blaming you; as a dating coach, I’m just pointing out what may not obvious.

What’s most important is not how a guy makes you feel on a date. Sure, it’s great when you’re tipsy and tingling with excitement in anticipation of his kiss. But that feeling is useless if he doesn’t make a consistent effort to see you.

Literally ALL that matters – if you want a healthy relationship – is how quickly he follows up to say, “When can I see you again?”

This doesn’t mean you’re suddenly going to be attracted to the stalker-guy. I’m not advocating that you remove the restraining order.

What I am saying is that you should stop giving a free pass to every cute guy who doesn’t call in a timely fashion…and start valuing the very guys who make you feel special.

Clearly, it’s easier said than done.

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Comments:

  1. 32
    Cilla

    @ Selena

    “Negging” is giving a woman a sort of back-handed compliment, that’s actually a subtle insult meant to erode her self-esteem. For example: “You look really pretty in that dress. Next time, you should wear one a little shorter.” Instead of focusing on thinking she looked pretty, the recipient of this “compliment” will be worried that her dress was frumpy and not short enough to look “hot” for her date.

  2. 33
    starthrower68

    Ah yes, the MO of the narcissist and mysoginist. I just didn’t know it had a name. One knows when she is being sincerely complimented and when she’s being “negged” so to speak.

  3. 34
    delicia

    Negging is completely ridiculous. Any man or woman who would give someone a backhanded compliment with the sole intent to erode his or her self-confidence is an ABSOLUTE DOUCHEBAG and should seek the advice of a mental health professional ASAP. Nuff said.

  4. 35
    Selena

    Thanks Steve & Cilla. I actually did google “negging” and hit the urbandictionary site after I posted. Amusing.

    Does this actually work to get girls interested in the guy though? I have a hard time imagining any intelligent male using this “technique” past the age of 23. Anyone who did that to me I would automatically assign to the “jerk” catagory. Even when I was 20.

  5. 36
    Karl R

    starthrower68 said: (#26)
    “women are supposed to be attentive but not too attentive, interested but not eager, appropriately detached but not cold, and ready to have sex so that you get to ‘test drive’ us, but not too ready too soon so that you don’t loose respect for us.”

    I have to agree with delicia (#29). If I’m very interested in the woman, then the woman could be eager, aggressively attentive, ready to have sex the first evening … and I’d be delighted.

    If I’m only slightly interested in the woman, then it’s possible for her to be overly-attentive, overly-eager and too quick to get intimate.

    Whether you’re male or female, you will sometimes run into people who are definitely interested; you can break any “rule” and they’ll still be interested. You will sometimes run into people who are not interested; nothing you do will change that fact. And you will run into some who are on the fence; this is the only time that your actions will affect the outcome.

    It sounds like you’re getting too stressed over circumstances that are mostly outside of your control.

  6. 37
    Melissa

    This definitely DOES NOT apply across the board… that woman are turned off by the puppy dog.

    I LOVE puppy dog guy. I CRAVE puppy dog guy. The guy who lavishes me with attention scores HUGE points with me. whereas mister “play it cool” turns me off.

    The PROBLEM I seem to face, is that they come on like the puppy dog straight out of the gate, lavishing me with attention, calls, wanting to see me 24/7… and then they put on the brakes, right after I’ve gotten used to the attention.

    I would just LOVE to find the man that shows me consistency. The one I’m talking to now calls me about every other day. I would like him to call me everyday because that’s what I’m most comfortable with… but I accept this and I won’t say anything because at least he’s consistent. And that to me, is more important than anything.

  7. 38
    Erika

    The problem I have with guys who call too frequently and shower me with compliments is that it feels like it really has nothing to do with me personally–I’m just a prop for the guy to project all his fantasies onto. I just don’t trust men who are too into me too quickly, because I don’t feel like they actually know me well enough to feel that way!

    Then again, texting once a week is not enough. At some point in the past few years I decided that I wanted someone who wanted me back. When I was dating I briefly dated a guy who would text me once a week. So I started seeing other people. And then I met someone really marvelous and forgot all about the texter. A month goes by and I’m pretty much into a new relationship when texter appears again. I text, “I’m sorry but I’ve met someone else.” He texts back, “Well, I guess it isn’t me.” I don’t respond. Then he texts again, “Is it because I’m too distant?” HA HA! (I’ve been with the other guy going on two years now!)

  8. 39
    Paul

    I gotta disagree with all of ya. What happens to me is I get a certain amount of communications all going on at the same time in different stages with different women, several of them usually because I’m so damn irresistible, and some just quite frankly slip through the cracks! Sorry girls!
    I got a call from one last night I hadn’t talked to in almost a week and she ended up saying “why don’t you call me next time” and I said ” why? I kinda liked getting a call from a woman”!
    So ladies, I’m assuming you’re all “independant” women here, why don’t YOU CALL THEM for once! What are ya, old fashioned?

  9. 40
    Cilla

    @ Paul

    We’re not calling because Evan says we’re supposed to be practicing the mirror technique. How’s that for a stalemate?

  10. 41
    delicia

    Yes, Paul, I am old-fashioned, because if I were calling a guy and he was never calling me, how would I know if he really liked me? Per the perfect example you gave, you and your kind are NOT the type of men I want to date… and the calling thing is a good way to weed out the players. Thanks for making it so easy for us to pick up on your immature ways.

  11. 42
    Selena

    Well Paul, I can only speak for myself, but I’ve always called guys…when they have called me. Apparently I’ve been doing the “mirroring” thing my entire adult life without ever knowing there was a name for it. Thanks for that Evan.

    And you Paul, you irresitable hunk of male flesh you…are you calling this particular woman now since she has called you? Does having a woman call you make you more interested in her? Or less, given how *busy* you are?

  12. 43
    delicia

    @ Selena, the second part of your post…..LOL! :) :) :)

  13. 44
    JuJu

    #’s 39 & 42:

    Precisely! It’s, like, if he never hears from her ever again, he wouldn’t be able to care less!

    You really did answer your own question, Paul. :-|

  14. 45
    starthrower68

    @ Karl #36

    You’re correct, I have no control over whether someone wants to be with me or not; but it’s constantly drummed into our heads that “if you want to catch him and keep him you need to do this and this and not do this or this, blah blah blah”. There’s the conundrum.

    @ Paul #39

    Most women don’t want to do the chasing. And if you’re forgetting them, they’re probably forgetting you too.

  15. 46
    Paul

    You guys crack me up! Delicia, you took my tongue in cheek thing wayyyyy to seriously! It was a joke! Yes I did call her first actually, but sometimes instead of asking for their number, which might make them feel uncomfortable, I do offer mine so they can call when they are comfortable with it. It just seems more gentlemanly. It’s their call but it’s usually a mutual thing. And yes, I have called her back since she called me, but it true sometimes that someone you intend on calling doesn’t get called because you are busy, life is busy, and there are other girls that you are communicating with. It’s hard to keep up with them all! I keep telling myself it only takes one. So, actually sometimes, I do like to see that she at least has enough interest in me to call me. Sometimes. I like the chase but not if she is not sending signals that the chase is on. It’s a delicate dance, but a fun one. It did feel good to get her call, although I did feel a little guilty because I hadn’t called her. I’m actually old fashioned too.

  16. 47
    Michael

    The only thing I care about “negging” is…

    …does it get the results that you want?

  17. 48
    starthrower68

    Which results would that be, Michael? To get her in bed or to subtly insult her by giving her a compliment with the subtle dig?

  18. 49
    Karl R

    Michael said: (#47)
    “The only thing I care about negging is does it get the results that you want?”

    I suppose that depends what kind of results you want.

    If a woman figures out what you’re doing, it’s going to backfire.

    The pick up artists (PUAs) recommend the technique for women whom I would describe as (externally) 9s or 10s … and internally a lot less appealing. Therefore, you might be “winning” someone who’s not that much of a prize.
    http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/should-i-date-a-7-or-hold-out-for-a-10/

    And from what I can tell, every advantage that negging is supposed to provide can be gained by other means.

    Negging is supposed to provide the following advantages:
    – It confuses beautiful women, because the PUA isn’t kissing their butt like everyone else.
    – It piques their curiosity for the same reason.
    – It creates a challenge, since the PUA isn’t falling all over himself to impress the woman.
    – It creates the impression that the PUA doesn’t think these women are special just because they’re beautiful.

    I can accomplish the same thing by not kissing anyone’s butt, by treating friends and acquaintances better than strangers (even if the strangers are beautiful women), by being polite to everyone, and by not making exceptions for beautiful women.

    I find it ironic that PUAs have developed a “technique” to create the impression that they aren’t treating beautiful women any different than anyone else. This isn’t rocket science. I just don’t treat beautiful women differently than anyone else. I’ve accomplished the same goal.

  19. 50
    downtowngal

    “The biggest turn-off that women have in dating is the guy who calls too much.”

    ….uh, actually bigger turnoffs include a guy who doesn’t make the effort, who talks about himself incessently or who allows the door to be slammed in my face because he won’t hold it for me; but that’s a different story.

    There’s a difference between a guy who goes all OCD about calling and one who doesn’t. I agree, a guy calling and texting 5x per day after you’ve just met is a but creepy.

    But a guy who waits a week to follow up after a date and doesn’t call regularly tells me he’s not into me. I had the latter issue with a guy I dated; after a few months he claimed he didn’t want to ‘smother’ me. turns out there were other issues and his lack of folloiw up was a red flag.

    So guys, if you’re into a girl, after your first date, call the next day, thank her for a lovely time and ask when you can see her again (if you hadn’t already at the end of the date). Another nice touch is to call her that evening to make sure she got home ok.

    This is different than calling/txt 5x the next day. It shows you’re confident and respectful.

    And any woman who complains that you’re smothering her when all you’re doing is calling 1x/day to check in probably isn’t into you.

  20. 51
    M

    You know, I have a male friend who recently started to put some serious effort into bettering himself and getting emotionally ready to be in a relationship so he could get into a healthy ltr. Before he told me that he was putting in all this effort to be a better partner I had started to lose faith in the male gender, thinking you were all like those pua’s that use lame things like ‘negging.’ I just have to tell you that is incredibly insulting, and any woman worth having would be intelligent enough to be insulted by your backhanded compliment, and never take, or make a call to or from you again.
    Thank God your not all that way!

  21. 52
    Selena

    I had a partner once who observed, “You would have a Perfect body if you worked out a little.”

    I quipped back, “So would you.”

    End of negging.

  22. 53
    Steve

    @M, post #51.

    You had it right the first time, we are ALL *that* way.

  23. 54
    downtowngal

    I agree w M. Negging says more about the guy than the girl, it projects the PUA’s insecurities. And if the girl is smart she’ll walk away.

    I’m amazed at how many guys try to ‘complement’ me with sarcasm. On the one hand it makes it easy for me to weed out the a-holes, but on the other it’s disconcerting that people passed the age of 25 still act this way (and some women tolerate it).

    I love it when a guy compliments my dress, smile, etc. if it’s what he truly thinks. Women with high esteem (whether a 10 or a 2) can pick out a phoey PUA in a second.

    Guys, bottom line: act respectful and confident.

  24. 55
    M

    @ Steve, post #53.
    Maybe innately, but SOME of you have enough common sense to know not to let things like that slip off your tongue. :)
    Behavior like that is abusive in my opinion, you are putting someone down, it’s belittling. If the man I am with doesn’t respect and admire me, than there is no reason to continue in a relationship with him. And if he finds it necessary to put me down to accomplsh his own agenda, whatever it be, than that is likely a very insecure man who will just have more problems down the road. I wouldn’t stick around to find out.

  25. 56
    Lance

    @downtowngal @etc: Negging is ancient PUA stuff, like ver 1.0 and we’re on ver 4.0. Really negging is part of teasing, and teasing is being playful, which I think everyone on this forum would agree is a vital part of attraction. The more recent PUA stuff is much more solid and useful in a positive than the stuff you’re thinking of.

    Lance´s last blog post…Vegas, Baby, Vegas!

  26. 57
    JB

    Lance is right “negging” by in large is just PLAYFULLY teasing someone/flirting(if it’s done correctly) and it goes BOTH ways.
    If you don’t “get it” too bad. It’s also WAY off topic here…..yadda,yadda,yadda……..

    “negging” has nothing to do with when and how often a guy should call a women etc…………………

  27. 58
    Cilla

    Nice try, JB. Negging is NOT playful teasing and most men know this. It has nothing to do with flirting and everything to do with intentionally pushing a self-centered, ego-driven agenda. It typically does NOT go both ways.

  28. 59
    Cilla

    BTW, I cringe to think what PUA ver 4.0 is teaching.

  29. 60
    Paul

    That’s right about negging…all it is is teasing and playfulness. And when done right, women love it! They love a guy that is not so overwhelmed with them that they can tease a bit. Whoever wrote those definations about the word negging is most likely a feminist with an ax to grind. We do it to our brothers and sisters all the time. If you can’t do that in a well meaning fun way, then good luck with women…most women will NOT respect the nice guy, the polite guy, the doter, etc. Why do you think that most women are attracted to the bad boy? What women really want is the bad boy who won’t be bad with them! But will they ever tell you that? That they like a guy who can stand toe to toe with them and not take their garbage? No. Because most women are lacking in the honor department, especially in regards to online dating…you girls are viscious!

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