Guys Who Call Too Much Or Guys Who Don’t Call Enough?

The biggest turn-off that women have in dating is the guy who calls too much.

You know him. He met you and was instantly smitten. He tells you how beautiful you are five times per conversation. He starts talking about how amazing you are even though he barely knows you. He texts, emails or calls a dozen times a day. He acts like you have a future together although you’re pretty sure you don’t know his middle name.

And strangely, despite all this attention – BECAUSE of all this attention – you are immediately turned off. The new guy is a shameless puppy dog, eager for your affection, desperate to win you over to feel as strongly as he does.

It never works. It’s too easy. It’s too lame. It’s too…something. But the eager guy never earns your respect. All because he was TOO excited about you.

Contrast that with the man who YOU’VE got a crush on. You have incredible chemistry with him, but you have no idea where you stand. He tells you that you’re beautiful…when he’s not dating other women. He sends you text messages…once a week when he wants you to come over. He treats you amazingly…or at least he did the last time you saw him. He gives no indication that he wants a future with you, and little indication that he even wants a present with you.

And you’re completely ga-ga for him.

What’s wrong with this picture?

The very qualities that are the MOST indicative of the potential to build a life together – consistency and dedication – are the ones that you value LEAST.

I ain’t blaming you; as a dating coach, I’m just pointing out what may not obvious.

What’s most important is not how a guy makes you feel on a date. Sure, it’s great when you’re tipsy and tingling with excitement in anticipation of his kiss. But that feeling is useless if he doesn’t make a consistent effort to see you.

Literally ALL that matters – if you want a healthy relationship – is how quickly he follows up to say, “When can I see you again?”

This doesn’t mean you’re suddenly going to be attracted to the stalker-guy. I’m not advocating that you remove the restraining order.

What I am saying is that you should stop giving a free pass to every cute guy who doesn’t call in a timely fashion…and start valuing the very guys who make you feel special.

Clearly, it’s easier said than done.

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Comments:

  1. 61
    Cilla

    @ Paul

    The cringing I mentioned in #59 has begun.

    I’m curious to see what the other female readers have to say. I can’t think of a polite way to phrase my response.

  2. 62
    JuJu

    Cilla,

    why even dignify something like that with a response?

    Uh huh, “viscious” we are. :-D

  3. 63
    vlh

    I’ve gone out twice recently with a guy who is so flakily inconsistent I want to quit seeing him, but at the same time, I wonder if 2 dates is enough to completely rule him out? He’s smart, funny, charming, only 1 year older than I am, we have fun when we go out, and I actually really enjoy talking to him on the phone (I’ve dated a lot of dull men who are moody and untalkative, so it’s a relief at this point to find someone who can actually carry a conversation). I want to give him a chance, and I do have a tendency to be overly picky (which is probably why I’m still single at 40). How do I balance the need to be open-minded and let flawed people have a chance (since everyone is human & therefore flawed) with the need to be self-protective (or my tendency to be overly self-protective) and not get involved with someone who might have some real issues. Here’s the deal: he failed to show up for our first date (it was a blind date, from an ad on craigslist). I sent him an email berating his rudeness, but offered to reschedule since he’s in the military reserves, and I could understand how something might come up on a weekend and he might have to cancel (although he *should* have called me…) He told me he thought the date was “tentative” not “definite” (huh?!?!?). We rescheduled anyway, and I showed up for the second date, as did he. He seemed to like me a lot and we made a date to see each other a second time. I already felt let down by this guy, so I guess I wasn’t very friendly to him on our second date, and since then he has called me a couple of times, and yesterday we talked on the phone again. He said he would call again later that night but he didn’t. So, I’m getting fed up with Mr. Tentative-but-not-Definite-Flakiness. At the same time, he seems to be very attracted to me, but this sort of behavior makes me think he’s blowing hot-and-cold. Granted, he’s been divorced for 16 years, and he told me about another girl he was seeing (this year? last year?) and that he’d told he’d call when he came back from overseas, but when he got back he didn’t call her. So, he is at least aware or admits he has inconsistent behavior, but I don’t know what to do with him. I guess he’s going to disappear on me too at some point?? His parents divorced when he was a child, so maybe he has abandonment issues?? Is this typical behavior of someone with abandonment issues?? Should I just go out with him a few more times and see how it plays out? Maybe it’s new relationship jitters for him? I am perplexed…

  4. 64
    starthrower68

    I don’t think there’s a way to follow up #59 other than to laugh at it. In terms of the “lacking in honor” comment? Well it takes one to know one.

  5. 65
    Robyn

    vlh,

    I think you’re spending too much time analyzing someone you’ve hardly spent any time with and who’ll give you little more than the time of day. Give yourself more credit and realize that no one deserves to be treated the way he treated you, and then move on. Don’t contact him again.

  6. 66
    starthrower68

    VLH, I gotta back Robyn on this one. I have asked myself every single question you’ve asked when dealing with a “Mr. Flaky”, and the fact of the matter is, it makes no difference why they behave that way. If you feel anxious and confused about this situation, then the best thing to do is walk away from it. Analyzing his behavior won’t change it and will exhaust you.

  7. 67
    starthrower68

    Oh, and a question about “negging”? Which woman appreciates the passive agressive suggestion she could be hotter if…..(insert your dig here)? It’s obviously designed to put a woman in her “place” without coming off as outright sadistic.

  8. 68
    Jennifer

    vlh,
    You are trying to look for an explanation or reason for your dates behavior: his parents are divorced, he has abandonment issues, etc. etc. Not only are the conclusions you are reaching very likely innacurate, they also don’t matter. He doesn’t seem to be on the same page as you.

    You think something is definite and he thinks its tentative. He says he’ll call you back and he doesn’t- again i bet he thought it was ‘tentative’. Doesn’t make either of you wrong, but you seem to be on different pages.

    Don’t wait for him to ‘make it up’ to you because i doubt he thinks he’s done anything wrong. If you can’t go out with him without being mean (like u mentioned you were on the second date) you shouldn’t go out with him anymore.

    Date him if you’d like, but try not to look for all of these reasons and explanations for his behavior patterns that you don’t like. It’s gotta be exhausting and i’d venture to say it’s not doing you much good. Unfortunately i don’t see this going very far- if we are already being mean on the second date and having a lot of misunderstandings, things aren’t looking good!

  9. 69
    namelessintaipei

    It’s about finding the right guy — the inconsistent bad boy you’re really into but breaks your heart, or that sweet decent man you’ve known for months and is just plain nice. The excitement or the consistency. Which is it?

    I chose consistency. Sure, he SMSs me in the morning to greet me a happy day, calls me after he gets off work and before he goes to bed, but then again, that’s just a way for him to communicate how much he misses me and that he cares for me. Some may see he’s clingy. I’d rather think that he’s into me. And of course, with a guy as sweet as that, we also do our best to reciprocate.

    Hence, happy and content. But was it an easy decision? Not really.

    He’s not that suave ex that swept me off my feet by asking me out and telling me he liked me as soon as he got me out, tearing down my defenses like there’s no tomorrow. He’s not another flashy date who tries to impress you and everybody in the room.

    Instead, he’s just someone you’ll find to be Mr. Reliable. Not the most exciting, but heck, someone I’m very very happy to be with.

    namelessintaipei´s last blog post…Pampered Princess

  10. 70
    vlh

    Well, he seemed really “John Boy” when I met him. Not really a greasy “bad boy” type you’d meet in a bar necessarily. I mean, this is Kentucky, not L.A.! I don’t have a “sweet decent man I’ve known for months”, but my social circle is rather small, so I’m meeting men online with whom I share no acquaintances, so it’s hard to check up on these guys. Maybe I should rewrite my profile to say “please provide 2 verifiable character references”? Is that asking too much?

  11. 71
    JuJu

    Are you serious, vlh? About the character references?

  12. 72
    vlh

    Actually yes. Most of my friends who are in happy relationships met someone through mutual friends who vouched for them for each other. That’s kind of like having references…

  13. 73
    JuJu

    That’s not something you can do online, though.

    Would you like it if a man asked you for such references??

  14. 74
    Carmen Smith

    I just met this guy, and already he’s calling me several times in one hour – I didn’t answer because the number was unfamiliar. Now I know it’s he, because he sent an email letting me know he’d been calling. I do hope he’s not going to be a problem, because I am not the type of female who yaps away on a phone all day, and I do like my space – that is why I’m still single at 39!

  15. 75
    Roger

    As a guy who has to navigate the flip-side of this conversation. I think the situation is simpler than it appears. Given a reasonably good level of social skills on the part of the guy, he will contact the woman if he wants to get together again.
    If I have failed to call back because I was super busy, or was afraid of being rejected*. A followup call by the woman is appropriate. I don’t instantly assume she is too “forward,” rather appreciate the interest.
    If a guy’s communication style, such as calling too much or too little, does not suit you, let him know. If he isn’t willing to make some changes, then things aren’t going to work. Cut your losses.
    I’ve found the best way to guarantee continuity in communications is to make a date for the next encounter. Assuming things are going well and I want to continue, before the end I’ll say. “I really enjoyed our [call,email,date…}I’d like to do it again! Then set up another opportunity. Ok for the woman to initiate this question.
    True, the above question can force an end to getting to know eachother, but in my experience, if a person who is right there isn’t enjoying themselves enough to continue, a graceful exit saves everyone wasting their time.
    Roger

  16. 76
    Just me

    I totally get the point this article is making. Evan is not talking about over-the-top stalker types, here, just the person who is open and expressive enough to say hey, I really like you and I’m genuinely interested in you and I’m not afraid to show it. 

    It works in reverse too. Guys chase girls whose interest in them is totally lukewarm and then ignore the girl who is open and direct enough to say hey, you have my attention if you want it.

    What’s up with that I wonder? It seems like a common scenario in my observation. I wonder if it’s nature’s way of making sure the guy is attracted enough that he’s gonna work hard to provide for the family and that the girl is not so interested that the guy won’t be driven to work hard? It’s gotta be doing something for the courtship, or it wouldn’t be so common? Who knows …

    Anyhoo, I think the point of this article is valid for both genders. Chasing the girl with lukewarm interest, particularly if it’s an online match with someone long distance, really leads a guy open to being led on by a woman who will take the fun times while looking for her real Mr. Right and same goes for the ladies. 

    To pursue a long-distance match, I think you really gotta establish there is solid interest in both parties in the match’s potential, and be a little more open than you normally would be in a dating situation. I think interest should just be taken as a data point that is positive. At that point you don’t really know enough to reject a match just based on that one thing, unless it really is way way over the top.

  17. 77
    Lorena

    My dilema is much like the beginning part of the article, met this guy and it seems that almost immedately he was smitten with me. He flattered me with comments and pretty much laid down how things would be if we were together. Which for me was refreshing because it was always me “laying down the cards” well not to the extent he did(for me it was pretty much saying lets take it slow, be respectfull and don’t even think about getting too handsy). We do have things in common and loved that he sang a song for me. The problem is that he calls every single day and i am not much of a “every day call me”  person, I would like to see where it goes but don’t know how to handle the daily calls thing. Also we haven’t even me yet and already he is talking about meeting his parents. 

  18. 78
    Dagaz

    Rare case when i disagree with Evan))
    most common scenario is: at the beginning he calls, he makes efforts, he courtships, he values etc.
    but. when she falls for that good guy, given him the same feedback, he gets cold feet(or whatever is his reason) and pulls away.
    the countless amount of examples for that, alas.
    so, perhaps, these types of good guys want to be treated with cold shoulder? they seem just not to do and how to act otherwise?

  19. 79
    filipino

    Evan, you are sooo right! It happens a lot of time when you like someone who doesn’t like you back. A lot of individuals have been in this situation before, even if you drop a few hints it still not working or either doesn’t see the little hints or doesn’t do anything to reciprocate your feelings. It’s the same feeling you gave to that someone who has a feeling for you but your heart is with someone else.
     

  20. 80
    Joe Black

    I’ve read all these posts and I can say I’ve been the nice guy who has called a lot and texted a lot and I have gottrn laid a lot.I am hunter and I dont’ eat if I dont’ hunt.One girl told that she was turned off by the fact that I called a lot but it didn’t bother me becuase the the other girl I was talking with didn’t have a problem with it lol.I don’t play games and I believe in Neg digs.If you have to break somebody down to get them in bed you are a low life.There is a difference in being a nice guy and being a doormat.Like someone said here when you are comfortable with yourself you won’t allow someone to string you along and call you when it fits their fancy.Respect your self and require it from your partner.Would you choose a friend like this?

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