He Committed to Me After Two Weeks. When Can I Let Down My Guard?

Your advice has helped me navigate modern dating. I figured out the ones who were just in it for sex, I dumped the ones who wouldn’t commit, I learned never to text after a great first date. All that advice definitely made dating easier emotionally.

I recently started dating a new guy. After two weeks, he asked me to be his girlfriend, he deleted his profile, he’s introduced me to his friends. He brought up the talk, he ticks all the boxes.

We both talked it over about how we’re in the right place for a committed relationship, we like one another, and most importantly, we both dislike bachelor style dating and enjoy being monogamous. So far so good. I met a man who I like and likes me and wants what I want.

My question – and fear – is that having gotten him to commit so early, what now? I’m afraid that at two weeks, a guy still enjoys the chase, and I’m still afraid about texting too much/initiating texts. Despite our crazy chemistry and seeing one another almost every other day (he initiates wanting to see me), I’m afraid I still need to keep up the chase. I’ve recently started texting him more and initiating conversations, but I’m afraid it’s too soon for this.

When should a girl let her guard down about texting/communicating/initiating dates? Having gotten you to commit, what are a guy’s feelings? What is he expecting?

I’m an affectionate person who likes to show a lot of love when I’m comfortable, I like texting when I think about someone, but I’m afraid it’ll shut down our budding relationship. To clarify – until this point I’ve always let him initiate the texting, only mirroring, letting him chase me. Now that we’re official, what is the transition process and protocol?

Deborah

Just look at this, Deborah:

“My question – and fear – is that having gotten him to commit so early, what now? I’m afraid that at two weeks, a guy still enjoys the chase, and I’m still afraid about texting too much/initiating texts. Despite our crazy chemistry and seeing one another almost every other day (he initiates wanting to see me), I’m afraid I still need to keep up the chase. I’ve recently started texting him more and initiating conversations, but I’m afraid it’s too soon for this.”

I know I may have tipped my hand, but do you see a theme here?

You spend your whole life looking for a guy who voluntarily calls, plans, and commits and you finally found one…only to be tortured by your own fears.

You spend your whole life looking for a guy who voluntarily calls, plans, and commits and you finally found one…only to be tortured by your own fears.

Stop. Breathe. Relax.

Life is good.

“Mirroring” was designed to stop needy and desperate women from chasing down ambivalent men. As written in “Why He Disappeared,” the idea is to protect you from your own insecurities and remind you that if a man really likes you, he’ll make the effort to let you know.

But as I wrote in this blog called “Do I Need to Keep Mirroring After He’s My Boyfriend,” that “protocol” goes out the window once you’re part of a couple.

Couples don’t play games. They let down their guards. They give. They trust. They don’t spend any time wondering about whether the other person is going to flee.

If he likes you, you can do whatever the hell you want, Deborah.

If he likes you, you can do whatever the hell you want, Deborah.

In general, you don’t want to be the “overfunctioning” woman; the one who props up the entire relationship by yourself, but in this instance, that doesn’t sound like a concern of yours.

There’s only one thing I would have done differently, in retrospect: don’t become boyfriend/girlfriend with someone after 2 weeks. Just because a guy wants to commit to you in that time doesn’t mean you’re obliged to do so.

Stretch things out for a month or so and you’ll have a much clearer picture of who your boyfriend actually is…before he becomes your boyfriend.

Now text him to tell him how happy he makes you.

You’ll both be glad you did.

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Michelle

    I have  a co-worker who is dealing with this right now – she is worried about initiating too much contact with her boyfriend in wake of an argument they had and putting him off. I hate to tell her that if she’s that worried about talking to him (and that he’s not initiating enough contact with her) that she’s trying to manage the whole relationship herself – and that this guy really isn’t a good match. Maybe I just need to assign her to read Evan rather than me repeating the concepts to her! .

  2. 2
    Nissa

    Um, why wouldn’t you just ask, Hey, do you like getting (whatever you want to do)? I’m curious about what you like. If someone takes offence at that, better to know and dodge that bullet right away.

  3. 3
    Clare

    Michelle makes a really good point above. You should not be afraid to communicate with the person you’re in a relationship with.

     

    In Deborah’s case, I understand her concern, because it’s only been two weeks. That isn’t enough time to know much about anything about anyone. Both are still in the stage of putting their best foot forward and trying to impress each other. What I will say, Deborah, is that if he is the kind of guy who wants to commit and make you his girlfriend after two weeks, chances are very good that he’s the kind of guy who likes regular communication. I’ve noticed that it tends to be the more emotionally unavailable guys who are “scared off” by too much communication. Obviously you don’t want to go overboard and be texting him every two hours while he’s at work, but I think you’re perfectly safe to initiate here and there – every other day or a couple of times a week should be perfectly fine. And of course, gauge his reaction. If he seems happy to hear from you, you know that you’re fine. If he seems a little cool, then maybe look at the situation more objectively. It doesn’t sound like you’re in danger of doing too much, so just relax and be natural.

     

    Don’t want to make you paranoid, Deborah, but be a little cautious of guys who want to lock you into a commitment too quickly. The timeline that Evan gives – 4-6 weeks – really is best. Guys who want to commit sooner than that are often getting carried away by the romance and the thrill of a new relationship. They might be a bit lonely or jealous… not saying that is your guy, but just continue to take it at a reasonable pace now that you’re a couple, and not breakneck speed. If it’s real, it will still be going strong in a few months.

  4. 4
    Jeremy

    As usual I agree with Evan’s advice.  One comment, though, regarding the word “commitment.”  I see this word being used over and over on this blog and elsewhere and, to quote the Princess Bride, “you keep using that word….I do not think it means what you think it means.”

     

    The guy in this post did not commit anything to the OP.  All he did was tell her he liked her enough to not want to date anyone else for the time being.  That is not commitment!  He didn’t do anything wacky here.  Commitment is telling her – “I love you so much that I’m going to sign a legally binding document that if I ever leave you I’ll give you half of everything I own, both now and in perpetuity, even if you are the one who leaves me to screw a football team.”  In other words, MARRIAGE is commitment.  There are legally-binding consequences of breaking one’s word in marriage.  There aren’t any here.

     

    Why am I bringing this up?  A while back we had a conversation about how quickly a woman has sex in a relationship, and most of the female commenters took umbrage with the fact that this was even an issue.  How dare any man consider my history?  How dare any man judge me for how quickly or slowly I do things?  If I have sex quickly it’s because I want to, not because there’s anything wrong with me.  I would be interested to know how those same commenters view the man in this post.  Do they judge him for how quickly he “committed?”  Even understanding that there was no actual commitment?  And if so, what is their rationale?

    1. 4.1
      Emily, the original

      Jeremy, 

      Do they judge him for how quickly he “committed?”  Even understanding that there was no actual commitment?  And if so, what is their rationale?

      You explained it on another post, and though I don’t agree with how the male commenters felt about a woman having sex sooner with one man than another, you argued that a man committing too soon was the male equivalent of a woman having sex sooner with a previous partner, and it made sense. LOGICAL sense, mind you. Not EMOTIONAL sense.   🙂    It lowers your value if you offer something too soon …. It comes off like you have no discretion. I would not continue to date a man who wanted to be exclusive after two weeks of dating. I was reading another dating coach’s site, and she said her now-husband told her he was taking down his profile after their FIRST date! I guess things ended well. They are married, but that would have freaked me out. You may not see being exclusive as a big commitment, but  it is an agreement of sorts and is a first step. Though I may WANT someone to date me exclusively and I may feel the same way myself, I would hold off on bringing it up that quickly. At the very least until the one-month mark.

      1. 4.1.1
        Jeremy

        *Smiling*  I remember that conversation and am feeling somewhat validated that you do too, thanks Emily 🙂  I know that’s what I wrote, but I was interested in finding out whether others thought the same thing.  It’s interesting to me because the way people think of commitment really affects how we see issues like this.  I’d agree that a man who offered real commitment, like an engagement proposal, after 2 weeks would be creepy as hell.  And I know a guy that did that (funny story).  But to ask for exclusivity?  To what are you committing?  To date each other exclusively for as long as each of you feels like it? The notion that that is commitment clouds the value of real commitment, IMHO.

        1. Marika

          Jeremy & Emily

          I think it’s important to jump in here as there’s one essential point being missed  (which many guys couldn’t seem to understand at the time). The LW’s concern is about the present, how he’s treating her and how she should respond.

          I’m pretty sure if the LWs concern was that he committed to her at two weeks, but she’s all upset and offended as he committed to the last woman at one week and the one before that at 5 days, but at least there’s one woman she knows it was a month…what does it all mean (and why is this even being discussed??)…Evan’s response may have been quite different.

          Not to reignite the whole debate, but please understand our concern was about past focus, comparison & judgement. None of which applies here.

        2. Emily, the original

          Jeremy,

          To me, and I’m one person, I’d run from someone offering exclusivity in 2 weeks. I wouldn’t think the guy was in some dreamy state of high chemistry; I’d think he was insecure and trying to look down any woman he found reasonably appealing.

          But to ask for exclusivity?  To what are you committing?  To date each other exclusively for as long as each of you feels like it? The notion that that is commitment clouds the value of real commitment, IMHO.

          Yes, but you’re talking about a separate issue. There still is value in exclusivity. As YAG has reported, most people are dating around, and any guy with a shred of confidence and self-worth does not commit that quickly.

        3. Emily, the original

          Marika,

          OMG! You’ve opened a can a worms! Let’s spend the next 3 or 4 days furiously debating exactly WHEN he committed to the last woman! Then we can asses whether or not this guy is a commitment SLUT!   🙂    I’m kidding, I can’t imagine anything as tedious.

        4. Jeremy

          Hi Marika, nice to see you commenting again, I always value your opinion 🙂

           

          I agree with you.  I think that Evan answered the LW’s question very well.  The point I was trying to raise was tangential.  She wasn’t comparing this man’s commitment to past partners, but rather was judging the fact that he committed to her quickly.  Quickly relative to what?  To her expectations.  My point was that he didn’t actually commit anything, and that the judgment for “committing” early is based on certain assumptions.  I was trying to get to the bottom of what people thought those assumptions were.

        5. Yet Another Guy

          @Jeremy

          My point was that he didn’t actually commit anything, and that the judgment for “committing” early is based on certain assumptions.

          Bingo!  The man merely committed to focusing his attention on the LW instead of spreading it across multiple women. I can assure you that as a man who has dated and slept with several women at a time, I have lost count of the number of times not focusing my attention on one women has been ginormous source of friction.  All women are attention whores. They want a man’s focus, but will chastise him or question his worth for doing it too quickly. That is irrational behavior.  This scenario is truly a WTF is wrong with her moment.

          Ladies, here is the deal.  Any man who will date you for a while before committing to exclusivity is more than likely choosing you because you are the least objectionable woman in his life.  In plain language, he is not that into you, but your demands are less crazy than the other women in his life and he more than likely also wants to take a break from being a practicing man-slut (i.e., you are a temporary shelter from the storm).  The male mind does not work the way you believe it works or want it to work.

        6. Alex

          @Jeremy

          I’m still not sure I fully understand the sex/commitment equivalency thing. Not that I want to have the whole discussion again! But…don’t many women also want sex? Don’t many men also want commitment?

           

          I think if a woman asked you after one week of dating to be exclusive, you would say she sounds a little bit desperate for a boyfriend, she doent want *me* necessarily, just the relationship, and it puts a lot of pressure on you to fulfill her expectations. Are you saying men don’t feel this? Or that a woman asking for exclusivity is terribly rare? (FWIW I and every woman I know have done it at some point, so I would be surprised if you say the opposite)

           

          But worrying about sexual timing to me sounds like a maturity-level issue. Not to mention women excessively sharing unnecessary information. Now I can understand if a guy perceives her to be slutty if she sleeps with him to soon…but the rest of it just sounds so convoluted it’s almost as if the guy is looking for a problem with the girl.

      2. 4.1.2
        Alex

        @Emily

        May I ask, is this a total deal breaker? Because for me, I can imagine being with a great guy who is just excited and jumped the gun a little. In that case I would just ask him if we could wait a couple more weeks to be sure (in the nicest most encouraging way possible) and then see if his reaction is appropriate.

         

        If he immediately says absolutely not, it’s commitment or nothing, then he has some issues I wouldn’t want to deal with. If he listens, tries to understand and doesn’t pout (this is key) then I really wouldn’t have a problem with this.

        1. Emily, the original

          Alex,

          May I ask, is this a total deal breaker? 

          That’s hard to answer. In the few instances I can remember from my own life, my attempts at slowing down the overly eager guy were unsuccessful.  He’s a better match for a woman who also wants things to move quickly. I guess it’s one thing to say you need a bit more time to know you want to become exclusive, but it’s difficult to tell someone — Hey, I like you, but the 30 texts a day are creeping me out.

        2. Alex

          Emily,

          Makes perfect sense. If the concern is practicality, I get it. I just feel confused when people lay out hard and fast rules or complex theories of how dating should go. Life is complicated! Theories often don’t help!

        3. Emily, the original

          Alex,

          Life is complicated! Theories often don’t help!

          True, but more than a theory, once someone over communicates, it’s often difficult not to see them differently. So your opinion of them has changed. Of course, in those early stages of dating, your opinion, good or bad, could be changed by any number of factors.

    2. 4.2
      Yet Another Guy

      @Emily, the original

      I would not continue to date a man who wanted to be exclusive after two weeks of dating.

      You are now officially an enigma, Emily.  You chastised me for continuing to date several women while meeting new women, but you also chastise a man who wants to be exclusive too soon.  You cannot have it both ways.

      I mentioned it before, and I will repeat it now.  When a man meets a woman who rings his bell, all logic goes out the window.  Any other romantic interest that he may have in his life just vanishes.  He goes “all in.”  A guy whose actions back up his words should be trusted unless given a reason to believe otherwise.

      For the life of me,  I do not understand why so many women believe that they should have to work for a man’s love and affection, and that there is something wrong with him that makes him less desirable if just goes all- in.   To me, this behavior screams  low self-esteem, or even worse, hypergamy.

      1. 4.2.1
        Emily, the original

        YAG,
        You are now officially an enigma, Emily.  You chastised me for continuing to date several women while meeting new women, but you also chastise a man who wants to be exclusive too soon.  You cannot have it both ways.
        I chastised you only if the women aren’t all on the same page with you and know what your deal is. You’re a bit hot and cold with them and keep that at a distance. If they’re ok with that and aren’t expecting more, fine. But from what you’ve written, that’s not the case. Again, being exclusive too soon lowers a man’s value, just as you said a woman having sex with a previous partner much sooner lowers her value. These are the male and female equivalents. Trust me on this one.
        I mentioned it before, and I will repeat it now.  When a man meets a woman who rings his bell, all logic goes out the window.  Any other romantic interest that he may have in his life just vanishes.  He goes “all in.”  .
        I completely get that and have felt it myself … but you have to self-regulate. You demonstrate it gradually, over time. NOT after two weeks. If you show it immediately and completely, you will freak out the other person. Again, being “all in” right away lowers your value … a woman doesn’t think he’s “all in.” She thinks he does this with almost every woman and is desperate.

      2. 4.2.2
        Emily, the original

        YAG,

        If you want to know to do it, watch Robert Redford in any movie. I’m not talking about his appearance. Just his self-containment. I just watched “Barefoot in the Park” with him and Jane Fonda. They’re a newly married couple. He’s”in.” That’s obvious. But never once is he drooling all over her.

        1. Yet Another Guy

          @Emily, the original

          They’re a newly married couple. He’s”in.” That’s obvious. But never once is he drooling all over her.

          There is a difference between being all-in and drooling over another person.  Being all-in is merely a matter of focus.  It means that I am focused on one woman instead of juggling many, and I make it clear that I am focused on getting to know her to the exclusion of other women.  I am not going to play games to prove to my worth to her.  That is what women do when they withhold sex from one man until he commits while giving it away to another man for free.   If a woman does not see that as playing games,  I feel sorry for her because that is how men see it.  If a woman does not recognize my worth from day one, then that is her problem and I will move on.  I do not have a problem getting dates.

          Furthermore, a woman sleeping with me early does not lower her value to me.  A woman sleeping with other men faster than she sleeps with me lowers her value to me.  If we want to use the time_to_commitment = time_to_sex  equivalency, then that would be equivalent to a man make you earn commitment while giving it away to another woman free.  I guarantee that you would not consider a guy to have a higher value in this scenario.  I would merely be a source of irritation to you. How many letter writers have written complaining about this problem?

        2. Emily, the original

          YAG,

           Being all-in is merely a matter of focus.  

          Yes, but that focus usually turns into 30 texts a day and a level of hyper communication that kills attraction. It’s too intense too soon.

          Hey … it’s however you want to see it. I’m not going to try to convince you. There’s a fine art to showing your interest and giving the whole thing away, and that’ s the mistake some men make when they come at women like freight trains. It’s a dance. Not a besiegment.  Let the woman know you like her but are still deciding. She should still be deciding. It’s been 2 weeks!  Part of attraction is feeling a little off balance. I shouldn’t know within a week or two that I have the whole thing in the bag.

        3. Yet Another Guy

          @Emily, the original

          Part of attraction is feeling a little off balance. I shouldn’t know within a week or two that I have the whole thing in the bag.

          What exactly do you have in the bag?  The fact that you do not have to worry about him screwing other women while you are attempting to get to know him?  If you meet a guy who is dating other women who you are really into, do you really think he is going to give up good sex with other the women he is dating just to be with you?  That is pretty darn narcissistic. No, he is just going to lie to you when you broach the subject of being exclusive.  The more women a man is dating when you meet him, the lower the probability you will land him.  That is a fact that you can take to the bank because sex and love are disconnected in men.  A man can have several women sleep over a week on a regular basis and not get attached to any of them.  I know because I have done it several times in my life.

    3. 4.3
      Selena

      Jeremy:  “The guy in this post did not commit anything to the OP.  All he did was tell her he liked her enough to not want to date anyone else for the time being.  That is not commitment!  He didn’t do anything wacky here.”

      And:

      ” But to ask for exclusivity?  To what are you committing?  To date each other exclusively for as long as each of you feels like it? The notion that that is commitment clouds the value of real commitment, IMHO.”

       

      I so agree with you Jeremy.

      Equating dating only one person as a commitment would make sense in a culture where doing so is considered “an understanding”  leading to forthcoming announcement to marry.

      This blog isn’t geared toward that kind of culture.

      If one finds someone they like, why not spend time with that person rather than continue to go on meh dates with strangers? If things don’t work out, there will still be plenty of  “options” available on the dating sites to go back to.

      Dating one person to see how it goes does not a commitment make. Either party could decide it’s not good match in any week.  But maybe… focusing on each other is a step in the direction of something potentially wonderful.

       

  5. 5
    Stacy

    I am always cautious about relationships that move too far. I think part of being emotionally mature is to say, I feel this amazing chemistry but let me use self control and get to know this person’s character well enough to decide on such a big step as a relationship.  I mean, could you really know someone well in two weeks? Also, a lot of times, when sometimes goes too fast, the crash is just as fast or faster. But it is what it is and I am sure there are times when relationships like this work out so good luck.

    But Evan is right. You got the man already so no need to play cat and mouse any longer.

    1. 5.1
      kenley

      As I read your reply, I was nodding in agreement with you, but then I realized that we live in a culture that doesn’t value taking time for anything.  Look around at everything now days — it all has to be instant…from texting, to binge watching tv shows, to ordering groceries and getting it in a hour, to calling for Uber that arrives in 5 minutes, to home improvement shows that remodel entire houses in a week, to baking and cooking shows that give people 30 minutes to create masterpieces.    Even in corporate America, I scratched my head when I would take a half day or one day workshop and would be declared an expert.  Our culture just doesn’t value taking time and philosophy has moved into dating.  I can’t tell you how many times I have opted out because guys wanted either commitment and/or sex after one or two dates.  Ugh.

      1. 5.1.1
        Stacy

        Kenley, you said, ‘Even in corporate America, I scratched my head when I would take a half day or one day workshop and would be declared an expert.’

        I am laughing SO hard at this.

        Funny thing is, the title of OP’s letter is ‘He Committed to Me After Two Weeks. When Can I Let Down My Guard?’ Huh?  Maybe I am old fashioned but before I enter a relationship, I would have had to be comfortable enough to let down my guard before agreeing to the commitment in the first place.

        Anyway, as is obvious, I wanted to re-cosign your post. I told my boyfriend the other day that if I was single today or tomorrow, I swear I would be completely out of element. I just can’t deal with this culture shift. When I was single over a year ago, I remember going out on dates with dudes not understanding why I am not wanting sex by the 3rd date.  It was completely expected and of course, I was considered a prude because there is just no way that I am exchanging body fluids with a man I barely know. My sister is a little younger than me (she just turned 31), and I shudder to hear the stories.

    2. 5.2
      KK

      Hey Emily,

      “As YAG has reported, most people are dating around, and any guy with a shred of confidence and self-worth does not commit that quickly.”

      Nothing wrong with dating around. Nothing wrong with not wanting to date around when you meet someone you’d like to get to know better. I don’t think him wanting to be exclusive after 2 weeks is weird, because I don’t see it as a serious commitment… more like a ‘hey, I really like you, let’s get to know each other better’.

      1. 5.2.1
        Emily, the original

        KK,

        Nothing wrong with dating around. Nothing wrong with not wanting to date around when you meet someone you’d like to get to know better. I don’t think him wanting to be exclusive after 2 weeks is weird, because I don’t see it as a serious commitment… more like a ‘hey, I really like you, let’s get to know each other better’

        No, there’s nothing wrong with dating around, but because many people are, I do think asking for exclusivity means something. It’s not a huge commitment, but it’s different than dating someone when you have no idea who else they are seeing. And he’s asking her after TWO weeks to cut off all other options.

        1. Clare

          I kind of feel like there’s a “Don’t ask, Don’t tell” policy when it comes to dating, even here in SA where we don’t date multiple people as a matter of course. Evan has also referred to this “Don’t ask, Don’t tell” policy.

           

          It’s not so much that you are necessarily seeing other people before you decide to be exclusive, but before you decide to be boyfriend/girlfriend, if another person of the opposite sex asks you out for coffee, you are free to say yes, and no harm done. I think it would be bad form to advertise to the people you are dating that you are seeing others, and who and how many. You just simply don’t say anything. It may not be that you are necessarily seeing anyone else, but before you become an official couple, there is a fluidity and flexibility to it.

          In that sense, I do feel that a guy asking to be exclusive after 2 weeks is a bit soon. This has happened to me a few times. In one case, the guy fell head over heels in love with me after one date, after three dates was planning our future together, and even though we only went on a total of four dates, he was extremely difficult to get rid of. Another two guys asked me to be exclusive after 2 dates, and suffice to say, it was extremely intense and then fizzled out at the 4-6 week mark.

           

          I still believe that the healthiest kind of relationship is one where exclusivity happens naturally as a result of spending a lot of time together and becoming emotionally connected, where the conversation about exclusivity is incidental, if it even happens at all. To me, this signals a comfort with one another that would do away with a lot of the fears the LW expresses in her letter.

        2. Emily, the original

          Clare,

          I think it would be bad form to advertise to the people you are dating that you are seeing others, and who and how many. You just simply don’t say anything.

          Totally agree. If someone announces he is dating other people, it comes as bragging. Like … “Look at me! Look how many people want me!”  I’ll assume you’re dating other people unless it’s discussed.

        3. Selena

          Clare: I still believe that the healthiest kind of relationship is one where exclusivity happens naturally as a result of spending a lot of time together and becoming emotionally connected, where the conversation about exclusivity is incidental, if it even happens at all. To me, this signals a comfort with one another that would do away with a lot of the fears the LW expresses in her letter.

          This describes my serious relationships. Exclusivity became obvious as we spent more time together and got to know each better each day. We may have been technically  “exclusive” since date 1, but we didn’t use that word, or consider it a status. We were just dating each other, not others, and having fun.  🙂

           

          I never considered the early weeks/months a commitment –  things could have gone sideways for any reason.  Genuine commitment came with growing closer and that involved more time than just a month or so of not dating anyone else.

           

        4. Clare

          Selena,

           

          “I never considered the early weeks/months a commitment –  things could have gone sideways for any reason.  Genuine commitment came with growing closer and that involved more time than just a month or so of not dating anyone else.”

          Totally agree with you. Commitment takes time – there’s just no getting around that. Anyone who says they are “committed” to anyone or anything that they have only known for a few days, weeks, or even months, is maybe not lying, but a little self-delusional. It takes time to build up attachment and history and to know enough about the person to make an informed decision about whether you want to stick it out for the long haul.

          Exclusivity is just that. An agreement not to date anyone else. It does mean something, it does provide a little bit of security, but the first few weeks to couple of months of dating are notoriously unstable. So many things can come in to rock the boat. This is why I’ve really always preferred to spend as much time with someone I’ve just started dating as possible, but hold off on slightly more serious things meeting friends and family, becoming an official couple, making future plans etc. until at least a month or two in. Those things are harder to reverse if the relationship doesn’t pan out – whereas if they never met your family and friends etc. you can just part ways with the minimum of explanation to others. Actually there is a pressure in my social circle to meet the people our friends are dating which really irritates me!

  6. 6
    Stacy

    ‘too fast’

  7. 7
    Eve

    I’m not saying this is the case with the writer of this letter to Evan… but…

    From my own experience, every single time I have dated a guy who wanted to lock me down within a couple of weeks, they were also very quick to dump me out of the blue within a couple of months.

  8. 8
    Marika

    Thanks Jeremy.

    I admit you’ve lost me as while I get the part about assumptions, I don’t see the relationship between that and men delving into women’s pasts and playing the comparison game (which was the core issue we ladies had in the conversation you referenced). But happy to be left in the dark about that one & definitely don’t need to go there again. Life’s too short!

    Emily, haha, you sooo bad ☺

    1. 8.1
      Emily, the original

      Marika,

      Emily, haha, you sooo bad ☺

      “I used to be Snow White … but I drifted.”  — Mae West

      🙂

  9. 9
    Marika

    YAG said

    Furthermore, a woman sleeping with me early does not lower her value to me.  A woman sleeping with other men faster than she sleeps with me lowers her value to me.  If we want to use the time_to_commitment = time_to_sex  equivalency, then that would be equivalent to a man make you earn commitment while giving it away to another woman free.  I guarantee that you would not consider a guy to have a higher value in this scenario.  I would merely be a source of irritation to you. How many letter writers have written complaining about this problem?

    Okay, so let’s run with this. Say the current woman you’re dating asked you how long you dated your ex-wife before you married her. Then she told you that’s her N. If you don’t propose in the same amount of time, she walks. Would you think:

    “Fair enough”

    Or:

    “How is this any of her business? My goals then were completely different! I’m in a different place now. I’m not going to make the same mistakes now I did in the past…” etc..

    A few of you guys keep trying to find convoluted ways to explain this and get women to relate to it.

    It’s not working.

    Because while we understand that the realization a woman slept with someone quicker than you is damaging to the male ego, there is nothing the woman can do to change her past. And a woman doesn’t have this same competitive/comparative thing going on with ghosts of a man’s past. She may compare a guy to her own past, or get upset that a man she loves dumps her then marries another woman 6 months later – but this idea of being threatened by some other woman from the past she’s never met & is no longer in his life and how he treated this woman before you were even in the picture – not a relatable concern to a woman. Or certainly to me.

    Either stop grilling women on their pasts, date virgins, go dutch on all dates, or do some personal development work to get past this ego bruise. Or commit to every woman in the exact same amount of time so you’re not a hypocrite. Because having an N only works if you’re just pursuing chemistry. And you said chemistry relationships rarely work out.

    1. 9.1
      Tron Swanson

      I don’t know if I’m one of the guys you’re referring to, re: “convoluted ways to explain this.” But, if I am, let me be clear: in no way, shape, or form am I trying to get women to “relate” to it. My ideas are my ideas, I don’t care if you approve of them or not. I know that women are used to having men fight for their approval, but that isn’t what’s happening, here. Maybe that’s why you’re having trouble with this, because you think we’re trying to win you over to our side, as opposed to just expressing ourselves.

    2. 9.2
      Alex

      I second this – so much better than I could come up with!

    3. 9.3
      Yet Another Guy

      @Marika

      I can assure you that women can become quite upset when they discover that a man from whom they seriously desire commitment committed to the last woman he dated in a relatively short period of time. Talk about ego bruise and hurt feelings, I have had my fair share of incredibly uncomfortable rides home from a party where a woman I was dating happened upon this information. A large percentage of the letters that are written to Evan fall into the “he committed to the last or next women quickly” category.  Women do care about how fast a man committed to other women.

      1. 9.3.1
        Marika

        If that’s your impression of women, YAG, do you ensure you commit to every woman in the exact same amount of time?

        1. Yet Another Guy

          I rarely commit to a woman.  I do not have to commit to woman  just as a woman does not have to have sex with me.  It is her choice to continue to date me sans commitment just as it is my choice to continue to date a woman who makes me wait until commitment for sex.  It is that simple. As Jeremy pointed out, time-to-commitment for women and time-to-sex for men are equivalent, and they have the ability to invoke the same ill feelings.  I will personally never trade commitment for sex, and I do not expect a woman that I date to attempt to trade sex for commitment. Having sex is something two people want to share or not.  Sex is a basic human desire.  It is not a bargaining chip and neither should be commitment.  My N exists to gauge desire.  A woman who truly sexually desires me will have sex with me within my N.  My experience proves that assertion to be true  One who will not have sex with me within my N is just not that physically into me, and I am okay with that reality.  There is no shortage of single women in my age cohort who will sleep with me on the first date if I so desire.

  10. 10
    NYJ

    So much to read on the comments…so I apologize if this is repetitive at some point.  I had a similar situation, although not labelled GF/BF, after a month or so of chatting everyday & dated 2 Saturdays with him doing & paying for everything & being a perfect gentleman I never thought existed anymore, we spoke about not dating anyone else.  He was all there, all in. Then 3rd date happened, then planned for 4th date- got cancelled d/t being stuck in an accident x2h (we live an hour away & he was going to pick me up), rescheduled then but he had a death in family. Since then, had “pulled away”. I didn’t text him x1wk because he said was hunting and he had told me at date#1 that usually he is “away” when he goes hunting with the guys-so I didn’t bother. Initiated the text after a wk, but he never replied, basically ghosted now I think- been 10days since we last texted, 2 days since I sent that text.   Just so interesting how they literally initiate the text missing you one day, and the “next day” decides they will just ignore you(1 week in between to be exact).  He led the “relationship” & I mostly if not 100% mirrored… though I know I may have showed him I think too much or worry too much as he had commented before (about my dog or just things in general), to which I had replied I think “appropriately” on why/how so.  He deleted his profile after the 1st date.  I never mentioned it, he never mentioned it.  Since he was “pulling away”  I started browsing again and prior to him initiating the “last time”, I saw he has a different profile with a different profile name – still same information (though slightly different description- old one was more interesting, LOL, so I knew he really deleted his old one & not a copy/paste).  I didn’t call him out on this, didn’t like it although not sure if he is able to see if I “visited” his profile- as I don’t see my own profile visitors too.  He is starting a new job/business too as we were starting to date while still doing his current job, so I was understanding of that.  I agree with Evan 100% and I try to enjoy each day as that is all we have.  I have “moved on” by agreeing on dates again, continuing to talk to other guys…although I have to admit, I still like him although I know I got my answer after him not replying to my text, which has never happened between us before.  I just want to “know” more, learn more, understand more…. just like any other woman! LOL…  Happy Thanksgiving to all!

  11. 11
    Kellie

    Hi Deb,  going through a similar thing with my new man. We have committed to each other quite quickly.  He texts me lovely messages every day, makes me feel special.  We talk alot,  for hours about everything, it’s comfortable and easy. We just clicked!

    Even so I still battle with doubts and insecurity. I realise that it will take a while to build trust and understanding to reach that comfort zone we seek in a relationship. In the meantime hang in there,  relax, give yourselves time,  communicate,  be authentic.

  12. 12
    Marika

    YAG said

    A woman who truly sexually desires me will have sex with me within my N.  My experience proves that assertion to be true  One who will not have sex with me within my N is just not that physically into me, and I am okay with that reality

    That may be the case or it may just be your impression of the situation. You’re not inside her head.

    And you’re right, you’re welcome to have any inflexible rule you like to protect your heart and ego. A woman can have a rule that a man must talk about marriage by the third date to protect her heart and ego. Doesn’t make it effective or reasonable.

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