How Can I Tell If My Boyfriend Is Really Just Friends With Her?


My boyfriend insists on staying friends with a girl with whom he is attracted to, and who has point blank invited him to have sex with her. I feel uncomfortable, and he refuses to stop talking to her, insisting they are “just friends”. Am I being irrational? My boyfriend and I met, sparks flew, and things got serious very fast. He spent a lot of time with me and invited me to practically everything he did, including dinner with a female friend of his (who lives across the country and was visiting). Since I completely trusted him, I declined because I was tired. The next day we met up and he informed me that he was going to brunch with her and another friend the day after and broke pattern by not inviting me (we had previously made plans together for that day). Warning bells went off in my head.

A few weeks later, he received pictures from her from their dinner together. They were very close in the pictures – hugging each other, her behind him with hands on his waist as he leaned against a car, him picking her up and dipping her, etc. I got very upset about how inappropriate I felt this was, and he yelled at me, insisting that they were not flirting (which they clearly were). I told him that I didn’t like him being friends with her because I felt it was not 100% platonic, to which he responded that they were “just friends” and I shouldn’t tell him who to be friends with. My problem is, it doesn’t feel like they are just friends, given that after their dinner together he wanted to see her again alone, and seeing the pictures she sent him that showed a lot of heavy flirting. He also admitted later that she had offered to have sex with him that night, to which he declined. He felt that admitting this to me should prove trustworthiness.

I feel like it’s extremely inappropriate to be friends with someone of the opposite sex who is clearly after more than just friendship. I am considering breaking up with him because 1) that night after dinner she asked him to have sex with her and he still thinks its okay to be friends; 2) he flirted heavily with her; 3) he lied to me about flirting with her when the pictures clearly say otherwise; and 4) my gut is telling me there is a problem here considering he wanted to go to brunch with her without me there. He continues to maintain his relationship with her via phone, email, etc.

I am already in love with this man and we have had a great relationship up to this point but I find myself having trouble trusting him now. I have never had trust issues in the past, and did not have them with him prior to this. I really don’t want to leave this relationship but am worried about his continuing fidelity. Am I being irrational or are my worries justified? –Kathy

For any of you who think that I always side with flirtatious men, take another look here and here.

So let’s sum up the answer to how to deal with a man you can’t trust:

You should NOT be in a relationship with a man you can’t trust.

A relationship with a man you can’t trust is going to be miserable for both of you.

You better make sure that the reason you can’t trust your boyfriend is because he’s ACTUALLY doing something wrong.

It’ll be miserable for you because you’re always on pins and needles, wondering about his whereabouts. You get concerned when he talks to women at parties. You check his Facebook page to see what he’s saying to his ex’s. You casually browse his cell phone when he’s taking a shower to see who texted him. You technically have a boyfriend, but you don’t have any of the benefits of having a boyfriend, because you always feel compelled to second-guess the status of your relationship.

And don’t forget how miserable it will be for him. After all, he’s the guy who is always being questioned when he comes home an hour late or takes a weekend trip with his guy friends. He’s the guy whose integrity is constantly being impugned. He’s the guy whose charisma you adored being told that he can’t display it to anyone other than you. Finally, he’s the guy who has to put up with a constant barrage of queries, regardless of whether he’s done anything wrong. I’ve been this guy and it’s an awful feeling having an otherwise delightful partnership being dissected to death because of your girlfriend’s insecurity.

Which brings me to my real point for any woman who is rightfully sympathizing with Kathy:

You better make sure that the reason you can’t trust your boyfriend is because he’s ACTUALLY doing something wrong.

Not because your previous boyfriends have cheated on you.

Not because he makes other women smile at parties.

Not because he maintains friendships with attractive women and writes things on their Facebook Wall.

Not because he goes to a strip club at a bachelor party.

You can only mistrust your boyfriend if he’s done something proactive that intimates that he’s not trustworthy. Like hanging out with a woman who wants to sleep with him. And lying about it.

But beware of the potential for you to create a cycle of lying in your man.

If you’re always on his case even if he has absolutely no intentions other than staying in touch with a girl friend – he’s going to feel rightfully insulted by your constant questioning. He will get the sense that he can’t tell you the truth because you won’t accept the truth. And he will find that it’s easier to lie to you about a platonic lunch than tell you the truth and be chewed out for it.

Believe it or not, that’s not his fault. It’s yours, for not trusting him.

And if you feel your hackles begin to rise at me for stating the male perspective on what it’s like to be a good person who is mistrusted, I invite you to reread my mission statement from the top of this post:

You should NOT be in a relationship with a man you can’t trust.

It’s that simple.

Yelling at me that some men ARE liars is useless.

Yelling at your boyfriend because you think he’s a cheater is useless. You’re driving yourself crazy and you’re making him even crazier.

If you can’t trust your boyfriend, for Chrissakes, do all of us a favor:

Find another boyfriend.

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Comments:

  1. 61
    Maggie

    I hear this kind of complaint from women every single day. I actually received a call from a man who is “in the doghouse…again,” last night. The guy had cut off all his old, long-standing, platonic female friends for the sake of his relationship -but he’s in trouble because he lied about not knowing who was calling. (Hint: It was an old, platonic friend.) I’m a relationship coach, but I do read Evan (the genius) for insight. Basically, Evan is 100% correct. You want to make absolutely certain that your man is doing something wrong, or else it’s a serious hit to his integrity.
    Personally, I prefer the guy I’m seeing to not have too many females fawning over him, but he’s an amazing man so that’s going to happen by default. The one thing that would bother me is if the man I was dating exclusively, decided to engage in a deep “connection” with another woman.  That would make me worry, because when you take all that communication you’re supposed to be having in your relationship and you give it to someone else, it can cause a rift. I do try to be the “cool girl” as often as possible, but it’s hard when I know he’s chatting (as casual as it may be) with other females. Maybe I’m wrong?

  2. 62
    meyo

    Real, honest and profound friendship is utterly normal among human beings, regardless of sexual tendencies, political views, age and cultural backgrounds. Friendship is NOT and WON´T ever be in any way real if there is sexual attraction of any level. Friendship is sexless…..
    Finding someone good-looking or attractive it does not mean one is sexually drawn to somebody…. we all have different likes and it happens often that we can believe someone (either sex) is attractive but it is not our type……if your boyfriend or girlfriend has a friend that is attracted sexually then it is not a friend…and we all know when someone is attracted to us especially when is somebody that spends time with us like friends do…. and there is no excuse to deny it or maintain the relationship…..if they want to maintain that “friendship” is because they like the attention and feeds up their egos….that is one form of cheating….. also, real friends can be affectionate with each other but never interact physically to the level of closeness as with your partner.

    I am a male, mid 30´s and always believe on friendship (different kinds and levels)…..I have female friends of very different ages (24-75), male friends (21-80), gay and lesbian friends (25-55)….all from different backgrounds (social, cultural, etc.)…… and I interact exactly the same way physically with all….never inappropriate or out of context….. I hug them all in the same way….our souls are connected…not our bodies….. my body is only reserved for my girlfriend, my full soul too, and my entire heart…… Many many times I have had to hear lame excuses from people telling stories of getting drunk and making out and having sex with friends (depending on each other´s sexuality)….and I always ask the same: For instance, if you are heterosexual and get sexual with your friend (female) why don´t you do the same with your male or gay friends then?……
    I have met very interesting people that I found to have a great connectivity but also felt their attraction for me, and every time I told them that it was impossible to be friends like that and stopped any contact….. life is much more than simply throwing principles and loyalties for SEX or filling up our insecure egos…..
     

  3. 63
    katie

    leave him.
    the same thing happened to me but i trusted him so much that i even became friends with that girl but after we had the small fight he broke up with me and married her within a months time. 

    1. 63.1
      starthrower68

      Good grief. It would’ve been far too easy for him to just set you free.  If he married that quick, he wanted her all along.

  4. 64
    Lanie

    Well.First off this girl friend of his that he insists on keeping knows he is with someone and she is trying to seduce him into sleeping with him and he admits it. Then she sends photos to him in the hopes of stirring trouble to obviously break you up so she can have what she is after.Sleep with him basicly. And strange that he sees her as such a great woman friend  when she is trying to get him to sleep with him knowing he is in a relationship.Dump him. He obviously is not as into you as you are into him. That happens. He is disrespecting you and allowing this other woman he has obviously slept with since now he wants to be alone with her now. You have to respect yourself and don’t let him run all over you trying to ease you into accepting his cheating ways. 

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