How Can You Tell If Your Boyfriend Is Falling in Love With You?

One of the most frequent questions I receive is about your frustration with the entire dating process and understanding what’s going through the minds of men.

While you’ve made up your mind about him – you love him, and you think he’s the one – you still aren’t confident that your relationship will endure.

This insecurity can take place at any point in a burgeoning relationship.

You’ve been dating him for two weeks and you feel electric chemistry.

You’ve been sleeping with him for three months and you’re not sure you’re exclusive.

You’ve been boyfriend/girlfriend for six months and he hasn’t said “I love you.”

You’ve been a couple for a year and a half and he’s never hinted at a future.

Instances like these are incredibly common – more common than healthy relationships, to tell the truth – and you rightfully want to know if you should stick around or if you should bail.

Thankfully, I’m here to give you a cheat sheet (in the form of the above video) on what signs you should look for to figure out if your boyfriend is falling in love with you.

First of all, as I wrote in a newsletter once upon a time, believe the negatives, not the positives.

On the surface, that might not make sense. But upon further inspection, I would submit that every time you ignored the negatives, they came back to bite you.

The classic example is the guy who tells you at the beginning, “I’m not really looking for a relationship.” But then, drawn by attraction or chemistry or boredom, he starts sleeping with you. Pretty soon, you’re seeing him once a week, receiving regular texts, and he’s telling you how much he enjoys your company.

In your mind, you’re on the verge of having a boyfriend.

In his mind…

In his mind, he’s already warned you that he doesn’t want to be your boyfriend, and now he’s off the hook. He gets to sleep with you on his terms and can’t be accused of being a bad guy because he told you his intentions up front.

Six months later, you’re say you’re in love with him, he tells you it’s over, and you end up heartbroken.

It’s an all-too-common tale – one which could have been avoided if you paid attention to the negatives, and not just the positives (i.e. your feelings for him)?

Similarly, women tend to read way too far into the positives of a great first date. I’m not suggesting that you didn’t have a real connection with your guy, but rather, that the connection itself doesn’t necessarily mean that he wants a relationship.

How many times do you have to get burned by this to know that it’s true? You’re not wrong for wishing that a great first date or mindblowing sex means commitment. You’re only wrong for expecting it to, and allowing yourself to get your hopes up too high based on limited information.

The fact is, men reveal themselves in their actions. It’s not how much fun you had on the first date. It’s how quickly he follows up after that first date to say, “I want to see you again.”

What happens in between the dates is far more important than what happens on the date. Does he call you? Does he feel connected to you? Do you wonder where you stand or feel like you’re losing momentum? If not, it’s not a good sign.

Think back to the men who made the best boyfriends: I can almost assure you that they made a supreme effort to win you over at the beginning. Because that’s what we do when we’re really excited about you.

When we’re not? You know the drill.

A one-line text that says, “Hey, what’s up? Wanna come over?” is about all the effort that he thinks you’re worth. You deserve better. Pay attention to his actions.

And that means pay attention to his boyfriend behavior.

What is boyfriend behavior, you ask?

It’s the kind of actions that men take when they really value you and want to build something tangible.

What happens in between the dates is far more important than what happens on the date.

I’ve already told you that it’s important for him to say, “when can I see you again” within a day or two after seeing you. Any longer than that means he’s playing games, indifferent, or a very poor communicator who doesn’t understand women’s needs.

Other boyfriend behaviors include leaving his weekends open for you, calling/emailing/texting you every single day, wanting to know that you’re not seeing anybody else, referring to himself as your boyfriend, introducing you to his friends and family, sleeping with you regularly, talking about a future, and declaring that he loves you.

Needless to say, this isn’t all going to happen overnight.

But this IS what happens when a man is falling in love with you.

If this isn’t happening in a reasonable amount of time – a few months to become exclusive, a half a year to say he loves you, references to a future pretty much the whole time – you’re putting yourself in the precarious position of being in an unequal dead-end relationship. You’re giving him a free pass on his efforts, all because you’re passionate about him.

That’s not good enough.

If a guy isn’t giving you the boyfriend behavior you deserve, there’s one perfect solution: walk, and don’t look back.

Evan

P.S. Even though this video is free…don’t discount the value of it. I have talked to thousands of men and women to draw these conclusions. I hope you can break your “bad man” cycle right away!

If you’ve struggled to understand and connect with the “right” men, do yourself a favor and put in your email address. That will put you on my priority mailing list so that you’ll get first notification when my new offering comes out in a few weeks.

*UPDATE: FOCUS Coaching is now available! Click here to learn more about this coaching program for smart, strong, successful women.

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Comments:

  1. 1
    CKay Williams

    Damn…that video was real.  

    I feel like I knew those things, but seeing them so plainly spoken is a great (sad) wakeup call.  Wish I would’ve looked at the negatives in most of my previous dealings w/ guys in my 20s.  

    Great post.  

  2. 2
    Margo

    This says it all. Very nicely done, Evan.

  3. 3
    Kristen

    Good video! Well, my bf of 8 months has done everything right based on this video and article except…say he loves me. We’re having a great time and I genuinely feel good about his actions. He’ll slip in a “we” when talking about the future sometimes too. So, I’m not really that worried, but I’m curious about what others think.

  4. 4
    Linda

    What you have to say in this video, Evan, is absolutely true.  I see it all the time, too, where women give a guy a free pass because they are passionate about him or see potential in him.  They excuse his bad behavior, invest themselves in his problems and issues and try to meet both his needs and their own needs by themselves while telling themselves he will pick up the ball eventually.

    They never seem to realize how this is going to blow up in their faces, leaving them feeling hurt and used.  Why can’t we just walk away?  What is it about that feeling of wishful hoping and the fear that we just aren’t good enough to deserve a man who treats us right? 

  5. 5
    BC

    Very true, Evan, from my standpoint as well.  The guys who are crazy about you will show it,  and not just sporadically/randomly fit you into whatever slot is convenient in their lives that week.  Its easy to see the real signs and seperate them from the bull***t by how the the guy acts when he’s with you, how enthusiastic he is about your next plans together, the little things he says that make him a bit vulnerable to you, the consideration that he shows, the talk of you and he in the future tense…its all there in pretty much black and white within the first months, and if it isn’t, it never will be.  That’s been my own life’s experience with falling in love as opposed to just a quick fling with some good chemistry.  Oh…the chemistry is definitely there when you are both falling for each other too, but, its not the ONLY thing, thank the Lord!

  6. 6
    cu2now

    It is easy, just look into the facial expression and colour changes when they are excited. You don’t have to help or loyal to notice it.

  7. 7
    Melissa

    Videos are great BUT you don’t blink even once on this and a bit strange! Great advice and love the clarity of the vision!

  8. 8
    cm

    I relate to your post Kristen and being in the same situation, I don’t have an answer.  I have a BF of a year who is incredible in the second two parts.  In fact, I tell my girlfriends he is my “boyfriend extraordinaire “.  However, he isn’t comfortable with the “love” part of sharing his feelings.  He gets all stressed out about “it it love, or in love?” until I’d rather just change the subject and move on!  So, do we “listen to the negatives” and walk, or do we listen to all the other ways he “shows” he really does care?  In times like this, how long do we wait until he can just confidently say “I love you”?  Or do we stop waiting and keep looking?

  9. 9
    P. A.

    Thank you, Evan, for the great video!
    Sure, AFTER watching it, or during, we can say to
    ourselves, hey, that’s just common sense.
    But it does take someone else usually, to point out
    the common sense that is all too UNcommon in
    the world of romantic love and dating.
    I’ve put this video on my “favourites” list to refer
    to regularly – for reality wake-up calls.

  10. 10
    Vicki

    How do you balance believing only the negative, without triggering the Pygmalion effect?  I can’t go on a date with any guy without seeing red flags all over the place. I find it harder to see the positive. Maybe I’m just not getting very high quality dates to begin with?

  11. 11
    Sahaja

    Boy, did I need this reminder. Thanks for the wake up call. I just had the perfect date ever…and the lack of follow up. And it actually didnt bother me, because I left it at that. As a great night and a memory. 

  12. 12
    Mary

    So thanks to your video Evan I’ve established something which I think I knew deep down all along. This guy I’m seeing isn’t looking for the next step, but I’m so so into him. The chemistry is unlike anything I’ve ever felt before. So my question would be, how can I just walk away from it all as you suggest even if I know it’s not good for me?

    1. 12.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      How, Mary?

      You’ve got two paths to choose: one, in which you spend months pining for a relationship that will never be, making yourself heartsick and relentlessly unhappy. The other, in which you’re free to find the man of your dreams.

      How hard is this decision, really?

  13. 13
    Kate

    To Mary – I’ve been where you’re at, and it’s all about instant vs. delayed gratification. If you break it off now it will hurt of course, but less than it will 6 months from now, and like Evan says you’ll be in the position to find the man of your dreams. I am currently 2 months into a new relationship with a guy who is doing everything right (your video solidified that – thanks Evan!) and I am SO GLAD I didn’t settle! Think in terms of the long run!

  14. 14
    M

    kristen/cm….
    same boat for me too. been dating a year. his actions are awesome. but still the “i dont want a gf” and no talk of love. but everything else, gosh all right there. he’s one of the best. what to do….hmm……

  15. 15
    Karl R

    Kristen said: (#3)
    “my bf of 8 months has done everything right based on this video and article except…say he loves me.”
    cm asked: (#8)
    “I have a BF of a year [...] how long do we wait until he can just confidently say “I love you”?”

    Either you have a boyfriend who doesn’t love you, or you have a boyfriend who isn’t sure that he loves you, or you have a boyfriend who isn’t comfortable with telling you that he loves you.

    Is that something you’re willing to accept in the long run from a boyfriend?

    Mary asked: (#12)
    “how can I just walk away from it all as you suggest even if I know it’s not good for me?”

    If you read this question carefully, you’ll notice that you answered your own question.

  16. 16
    jennyana

    M/Kristen/CM

    Same boat.  Been dating for 8 months.  Everything perfect and by the book in the first 5 months.  Seeing actions and minor things that I don’t like in the last 3 months.  That’s why I’m one of those persons who thinks you should date at least 2 years before getting married.  The first few months are usually perfect (and if they aren’t, believe me, run for the hills).

  17. 17
    AQ

    THIS is the goal!! Not stopping til I find it – it is what I always wanted but I put up with too much of the bad boy who makes no effort and thought I had to accept that and chill out. No more – I want the real thing!! Thank you!

  18. 18
    Gina

    Excellent video Evan! What I’ve noticed is that many women will excuse the negatives and focus on the positives because it often hard to find or meet a great guy. So, when a guy comes along whom they feel chemistry and passion for, and who behaves decently for the most part, we throw caution to the wind, jump right in emotionally and sexually, instead of taking the time to suss the guy out. Rather than finding the love we seek, we are simply setting ourselves up for future pain and heartache. My motto is: “Better to walk away and feel hurt in the beginning, than to stay and end up feeling devastated in the end.”

    This is why I think that it is SO important for us women to learn how to be happy, love ourselves, and lead fulfilled lives on our own without a man or a relationship to make us feel complete.  This isn’t to say that we should NOT put ourselves out there to meet men, but we should always have our own best interest at heart when doing so.

    Christine Arylo, in her book, “Putting ME Before WE,” writes: the love you have starts with the love, respect, honesty, trust and belief you have for yourself. 

    If you we, trust, respect, and believe in ourselves, we won’t overlook red flags, will call a guy on his sh*t, walk the heck away and not look back.

    Just my two cents! 

  19. 19
    Margo

    Mary and cm, here’s a true story that I hope scares you:

    I know a woman that just got jacked. She was dating a man for about a year. He never called her his gf, never said he loved her, and in fact, told other people they were just “friends”. He broke up with her out of no where, for no reason, after a year of free sex. Then, less than a month later, he becamed engaged to a new woman and moved her into his house.

  20. 20
    Gem

    A girl I work with has been seeing/sleeping with a guy for 2 months. He comes to her house, hangs out, they eat, have sex and he never spends the night because he has a 14 yr. old at home. He doesn’t take her out very often.

    The frequency started at 2-3 nights a week, then dwindled to 1-2, then one. She invited him over via voicemail and he texted her, “It’s okay to date, but I don’t want a commitment. We’re not exclusive.”

    They’ve never said the “love” word, they’ve never discusses exclusivity. They dont talk about a future together. BUT, that’s what she’s been hoping for.

    She asked my advice, “Do you think he’s just scared of how close we’re getting? Guys get scared too, don’t they?”

    I told her I don’t think he’s scared. I think he’s dated her long enough now to know he likes her, likes the sex, enjoys her company, but he’s not falling for her, she’s not going to be the “one” and he wants to remind her of that so he can go on having an easy, fun time with her with no promises and no strings. I told her if it were me, I’d set him free.

    She interviewed every other friend she has, and other’s seemed to think that he is scared of his deepening feelings for her.(Pah-leeze! He’s 48)

    So she told me that she called him, and fought for him because he’s wonderful, and found out his wife cheated on him so he has a hard time trusting and yes, he’s scared. She felt so bad for him and said after their talk they were closer than before. So she agreed to keep seeing him with the understanding she won’t pressure him for anything. They’ll just “see how it goes.” She thinks over time, he’ll get over his fear, fall in love with her and she’ll get her man.

    I think she’s fooling herself, but I said nothing except, “If you’re happy, I’m happy.” But I feel bad because I think she’s headed for heartbreak.

    Not only is she ignoring the negatives and focusing on the positives, she’s creating positives that don’t even exsist!

  21. 21
    Daisy

    Mary,

    It’s so true Evan, every single point you make are absolutely true!  My boyfriend has done all of the boyfriend’s “requirements” as you described.  I also want to share his past history.  Before my boyfriend met me, he had a friend who he slept with her occasionally.  He declared at the very beginning that he didn’t want to have a relationship with her but willing to be her guy friend.  She still stick around and “hoping” to get my boyfriend and then offered sex to him.  They had sex for a few months then he met me so he broke up with her.  When I asked him did he ever feel that his action was hurtful his answer was hack NO because he had made it very very clear to his friend.  She was hurt and heartbroken and told my boyfriend that she was actually in love with him.  Girls, please all do ourselves a favor, listen to Evan’s advice, don’t ignore BIG negative and only see the small positives.

  22. 22
    Eric C

    I have seen alot of people asking these same questions on alot of sites. and my answer fits yours to the T. If he is telling a girl up front that he doesn’t want a relationship, it usually means he is using the girl and has given himself the “out”

    But on the flipside, My wife of ten years told me she didn’t want a relationship and that I shouldn’t try to label her when we started dating…I didn’t listen:).

  23. 23
    Angie

    @Kristen #3
     
    At eight months, you should be at a comfortable place where you can ask your boyfriend outright if he can envision a future with you.  Has he recently had a crazy ex that might make him shudder at the idea of serious commitment?  Has he been in love before?  You have a right to ask questions like this of your boyfriend.  f you want something, I don’t find anything wrong with letting it be known.
     

    While I know this entire posting is meant for women, men have this problem as well (although men often think “Isn’t love what all women want?”).  This is what that movie “500 Days of Summer” was all about.  I personally think this is a lesson you should learn from your first heartbreak.  No one should repeatedly fall in love with people who are “just not that into you”.
     
    I know it’s tough (and perhaps a glass of wine will help), but if you are a few dates in with a guy who you have great chemistry with, it’s perfectly ok to say “I can see myself developing real feelings for you if we continue dating.”  You don’t have to say “I’m falling in love with you” (b/c that’s probably not true).  If he replies that he doesn’t want something serious, it’s ok to be bummed for a week, but then move along!  It’s not you, it’s him!
     
    I would also like to say that I’ve “not wanted to be serious” at times.  I knew I was moving last year, and didn’t want to fall for someone before I left.  There are a lot of life factors: being committed to your home, job, lifestyle that are involved before you can say “This is my life and I want someone else to be a part of it”.

  24. 24
    Margo

    @Gem #21, this is going to be harsh: My father would advise your friend to tell her “user” to go and take a flying f*** at the moon.

  25. 25
    Ruby

    Gem #21

    I think you’re absolutely right. Even if your friend’s man is “scared”, why doesn’t he work on his fears about relationships before dating first? If they are seeing each other less and less, how does your friend figure that he’s “scared of how close we’re getting?” Why would you want a pseudo-relationship with a man who’s so frightened anyway?  

    We always think we can change the guy. Better to find someone who doesn’t need intensive therapy or changing to be happy or to fall in love with us.

  26. 26
    Goldie

    @Gem #21, I had a similar arrangement with a guy last year (except he insisted that we be exclusive, but on the other hand, he was willing to go do some couple things together if I organized them). I finally realized that, no matter how much I liked the guy, I could do infinitely better than that. Heck, being single is infinitely better than that! Good luck to your friend. 
     
    And seriously, she needs to stop assuming the best of him and trying to find noble motives in what he does. Scared of his deepening feelings, my ass! He has a readily available FWB and is loving it! How about trying what he’d be like if the shoe is on the other foot? How about she starts dating other people and tells him that she does not want commitment and it is perfectly fine with her that they are not exclusive? See how he reacts.

  27. 27
    xz

    To Eric C, post #23

    You are very right. My ex-boyfriend once explained this to me: when men say “no”, they will almost never change it to “yes”. When women say “no”, it usually means “no for now”, and men should keep trying :-P

    I am  a woman, and it is certainly very true for me, my “no” can often be changed to “yes” if the guy takes the time to understand my reasons and address my concerns.

    I have yet to try-out the theory about guys’ “no” :-) 

  28. 28
    Kristen

    @Karl R– He does call me his girlfriend and invites me to family stuff, on trips, to wrk parties, etc.

  29. 29
    Gem

    Margo, #25,

    “take a flying f*** at the moon.”

    LOL. Priceless. Only a Dad could come up with this. I love it.

    I wish I could help this gal, but she doesn’t want my advice anymore. However, she’s missing him this weekend because he’s choosing to spend it with his buddys.

    I want to take her forehead and introduce it to the wall. Wake up! I hate it when women give their power away.

    1. 29.1
      Christina

      Hahaha this comment made my day, because even if your friend won’t listen to your advice – I certainly needed to hear that so thank you for introducing me to the wall haha!

      I’m certainly walking away from a certain douche bag and never looking back, thanks Evan for this insightful blog posts :) He’s lost…

  30. 30
    nathan

    You know, I can understand why some women might say “no” to commitment initially, especially if a guy rushes to get her to commit. But I also have to say that as a man who isn’t inclined to pressuring and rushing, if I still hear a “no” when discussions about commitment come up, I’m gone. After a certain point, it really starts to feel like a game to me.
     
    What seems a lot more reasonable, and respectful, is for whomever isn’t quite ready to decide about commitment to say “maybe” and then figure out a way to go into why they aren’t ready yet. I really think part of this whole thing comes down to how unwilling many of us are to being in that uncomfortable place of not knowing for sure. We want definitive answers – NOW. And yet, so often, both people involved aren’t fully over their fears and/or haven’t gotten enough concrete info. and experience with the other to make that leap.

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