How Do I Avoid Clingy and Desperate Men?

This may not seem like a problem to some women, but for me it is. When I am dating, I like to really take my time and get to know someone before I put any “name” on what we’re doing. It’s just having fun with someone, getting to know him, and see where things go. (I believe it’s called dating.)

There were a few men in the past several months that I liked. They were nice and I could see an eventual relationship coming of our dating. Here is the problem I’ve had…we go out once (maybe twice) and have a good time. There’s some kissing involved (but no sex). We make plans to go out again. Over the next several days he calls me constantly, starts talking about wanting a commitment from me, about our future together, and basically freaks me out from wanting to even go out with him again. (And yes, this has happened at least three times recently.) I understand liking me and wanting to spend time with me, and hoping that things will go further.  What I don’t understand is why they get so obsessive.

I’m a divorced mother with two young children, but I am not looking for someone to “rescue” me. I do want to be in a relationship, with the right person, and I do want to be married again. However, I am not going to jump into something so quickly that I am blindsided. Are these men just so desperate that they don’t understand the fundamentals of dating? Any way I can avoid this in the future? It seems to be happening to me a lot recently.

Leah

Dear Leah,

Yeah, it’s a drag when a guy says he really likes you and makes a supreme effort to see you. I’m sure all the women who are waiting by the phone for their dates to call are feeling particularly bad for you.

I kid, Leah, because it’s about as ironic as any dating situation can be. We want people to be real, authentic, and emotionally available, yet we cringe and we flee when they are.

I wouldn’t say this is the height of hypocrisy, because I don’t know how you get when you really like a guy. Maybe you never get excited and let down your guard. But imagine you did. It would be a shame if a man distanced himself from you precisely BECAUSE you said you liked him.

What it really comes down to, Leah, is timing. You keep finding guys who are ready to take the plunge, you dazzle them on a date or two, and you listen to them start gabbing about rings and honeymoons. That has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with them. They want to be married soon. You do not. That’s perfectly fair. But imagine the shoe was on the other foot.

Let’s say that you were 39, single, and childless. You meet a great guy. It wouldn’t be too unreasonable for you to get excited about him being the future father of your children. Of course, if he’s already a father of two, and also recently divorced, he might not be ready to dive back into a committed relationship. That’s nobody’s fault. That’s simply two good people who may be compatible, but are not a good fit at the time.

I’m particularly glad you wrote this email because it’s useful to hear from a woman who just not that into HIM. It goes to show that, as abhorrent as we find the concept of “game-playing”, sometimes a little game playing is exactly what is necessary to keep the fire burning.

When someone makes himself too accessible, too willing to jump into a relationship, we question him. We wonder how anyone could like us this much this soon. We immediately devalue those people. But when we’re crazy about someone and show it, we want that person to reciprocate. Can’t we just be REAL with each other? Isn’t that what it’s all about?

Apparently, it’s not….

I remember a woman that I went on a date with about seven years ago. At the end of the night, she said to me, “I’m glad to have you in my life”. We’d had fun, but after three hours, I wasn’t yet “in her life”. So I did what most people would never do. I told her that I thought she was great, but that she might want to hold back on the big proclamations until we get to know each other better. I told her that because I liked her so much, I didn’t want to get scared off by her intensity. Class act that she was, she took it in stride, and we remained friends for years after dating.

Needless to say, that’s not going to work for everyone, but I think an authentic conversation is a lot better than dropping every guy like a hot potato the second he tells you he’s interested.

Let’s face it: It can be hard to keep your feelings below the surface when they’re just bursting to get out. But take it from readers like Leah: full disclosure is like polyamory. It may sound great in theory, but in doesn’t work in practice.

 

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Comments:

  1. 31
    Nirvana

    For guys

    I’m a guy late 20s… Most of my friends think i have had more of my fair share of dating and relationships, but i guess i enjoy the ‘dating’ …

    However a guy who is overly eager, calls every day, txt every day or wants the girl too much … It just doesn’t work …ask me how i know. 

    Just hint you enjoy her company and that’s it, let her deal with. Unfortunately, sometimes it becomes a power struggle  of who’s gonna cave in but that’s no longer fun and you should just stop seeing the person.

    If someone is not willing to put in as much as  you do, dont waste your time.

    Don’t beg, don’t plead, don’t desire her, just tease and subtly hint you like her …it sucks but that’s what works. 

  2. 32
    Veronicqua

    Evan, I have to say that I agree with the woman who wrote to you. Telling someone you love them and want to marry them, calling/texting them a lot, and wanting to be with them all the time is understandable and appropriate IF YOU”VE BEEN SEEING EACH OTHER FOR A LONG TIME. But doing these things after you’ve only gone on one or two dates, or after you’ve only just met, is just too extreme, too demanding, and way too much for a lot of people to deal with. It scares them away, whether they’re male or female.

    Many people prefer to get to know someone before they have a serious relationship with them. It’s human nature.

    Also, I can understand wanting someone to call you, but do people still literally wait by the phone? What a drag. Don’t they have better things to do? Don’t they have a life? Talk about neediness and being too desperate.

  3. 33
    M

    Hmmm….I’ve recently experienced the same thing.  Here’s the problem:  when a guy is too into you too soon – he’s really not into you.  He doesn’t even know you yet – how can he be into you?  The only thing that he’s into is the idea of being with someone – anyone.   Guys, we don’t want to be the object.  Moving too fast only shows us that you are after one thing – it shows us that the only qualifying factor you need is that we are female.  So, take your time, get to know us.  Show us that we are worth that and show us that you want us for the people that we are.  Show us that you can be a friend as well as a lover. 
     

  4. 34
    hash

    We men are not perfect, if a man bothers you please be straight with him and tell him. Us men suffocate through the time when a woman tries to impose “hidden signs” to tell us something.My point is don’t just shut me off if they go too aggressive for your liking, just inform him and give him a chance to change.

  5. 35
    Cindy

    Evan, you must be kidding.  A guy who wants to talk marriage to a woman after one or two dates?  If a woman did that and then emailed you, you would caution her about being too needy and tell her she has issues with chasing men away with her desperation.  But if a woman is independent and is looking for someone who has a healthy sense of boundaries and self-confidence, you seem to accuse her of being a commitment-phobic egotist?  Men can be desperate and inappropriately clingy.  There is a huge difference between that and being emotionally available.   It is sickening that a man can be a needy bag of emotional baggage and insecurity and the woman who finds herself saddled with him should consider herself “lucky” but a man who finds himself saddled with a woman who is a needy mess is given sympathy and respect and the woman in that case is chastised for “holding on too tight.” 
    Give me a break.  How about everyone – men and women alike – put their big girl and boy pants on and take responsibility for their own well-being, happiness and sense of self-esteem? 

  6. 36
    amy

    Evan, I think you talked around the problem.
     
    A guy who does that kind of thing isn’t just a wonderful heart-on-sleeve romantic. Either he has real problems, or he thinks she’s desperate and will fall for it.
     
    Yes, there are a lot of desperate men out there — with wildly unrealistic notions about what marriage will do for them — and yes, there are a lot of men who actually pump themselves up by finding women they perceive to be even further down the totem pole than themselves: single mothers. It’s super insulting, but they assume that single moms, esp over 35 or so, must be desperate for men to come save them. Any men. Even themselves.
     
    Leah is smart not to want this, and also smart to protect her children from these men. What she needs to do is screen them better from go, not go out with them twice. How can she do that? Well, a guy who’s not desperate usually has some kind of project or trajectory he’s seriously interested in. He’s not shining at her like she’s his next true savior. He’s friends with his ex. He doesn’t talk pityingly at her, as if she wants to be comforted. He’s warm, but somewhat reserved. He’s not evasive about why he’s single. If he has family nearby, he’s got warm relationships with them.
     
    The fact is that Leah’s going to attract a lot of the desperate because they figure they can get her: single mom, two kids. She’s also going to deflect a lot of more together, successful guys because they just don’t want her baggage, and don’t want someone else’s kids. Her best bet, if she’s actually interested in marriage, is a together, tired, single dad who knows who he is and whose first commitment is to his kids, and who isn’t looking for a woman to come in and relieve him of parenting-time chores.

  7. 37
    Sexy as well as busy

    Busy woman, putting it brief and blunt: Evan, you sound needy.  Taking up for needy men betrays you’re needy also.  John, you’re also needy, and that’s why you’re cheerleading it.  Man up.

    Women aren’t asking for perfection.  We’re asking for a happy medium.  Men can’t figure out sane.  They’re either too little or too much.  Just dealt with a needy man and learned from him I am never marrying.  The last thing I want is a toddler in my life – and if that changes, I’ll get pregnant and bring one into the world.  Women can, ya know.  Our choice.  Our rules.

    Stop being needy, a stalker, obsessive, whiny, clingy, etc — you know what it is.  You hate it when women do it, and with good reason.  Stop demanding women put up with your insanity and bullshit.  You don’t put up with ours and we’re not putting up with yours.  Man up, get a career or a hobby, and slow it the F down.

    One date does not = commitment/soulmates/forever.

    You know this.

    Stop being disingenuous.  You get on the nerves of busy women like me.  And yes, I’ve got a lot of callers.  So go ahead and insult me.  I’m off to the next date, and to find the sane, middle ground man who doesn’t try to make me an ornament in his f–king possession.  I AIN’T YOUR DOLL OR YOUR TOY, AND I DO NOT WEAR A TAG WITH YOUR NAME STAMPED ON IT.  MAN UP AND MOVE ON.  I AM NOT YOUR MOTHER.  GET OVER IT.

    Got it?

    Good.

    (I normally delete personal insults but thought this one was particularly funny – EMK)

  8. 38
    Bubbles

    This has also happened to me, three or four times in the last six months! After two dates, they start proclaiming undying love! I figure it’s actually uncontrollable lust and to me, that (not the lust, the lie) is insulting. Why not just get a handle on that, lol, and get to know me first!

  9. 39
    Deb

    I had a guy ask me to marry him only a few weeks after getting to know me. It freaked me out because I never said I loved or was interested. I think commitment takes time to develop and being single for 10 years now also takes getting used to again. I really don’t like clingy men who appear insecure. There’s a difference in a man who knows what he wants and goes for it and a man who seems desperate and can’t let you go. It’s unattractive when a man is clingy.

  10. 40
    Paragon

    What a joke.

    All these women lamenting ‘desperate/clingy/needy/etc’ men, would be *all over* such men, *if* they resembled William Levy(or whoever else the relevant demographic is swooning over at the moment).

    So, this aversion to clingy men, is not necessarily be an indictment of clingy traits, per se – but may speak to a
    correlation between such traits, and relative tendencies in male attractiveness(ie. it is not a case that clingy men tend to be unattractive, but rather that unattractive men tend to be ‘clingy’).

    Personally, I was not hindered by a concern to obscure my acute bonding shortly after I met my soul-mate(who betrayed a similar degree of bonding, in a short interval of time) – but then, we are both equally attracted to each other(as rare as that might be) – so any attraction asymmetry/disconnect is eliminated as a likely factor.

    But, I suspect that it is also equally the case that most chronically single females have become so pathologically maladapted to LTRs, that they have calibrated their biases to screen out the only men who are likely to invest in them long term(by rejecting such males as ‘needy’).

    This very thread is a testament to such a toxic female demographic.

  11. 41
    Ruby

    Paragn #41

    Interesting that you acknowledge that equal attraction is a rare phenomenon, at least as it applies to your own situation, but that for the hundreds of single women reading this blog, the problem is that they are “pathologically maladapted to LTRs, that they have calibrated their biases to screen out the only men who are likely to invest in them long term,” and are part of a “toxic demographic.” Why is an attached man who feels as you do reading a blog dedicated to “smart, strong, successful women” if not to knock them down a few pegs?

  12. 42
    Paragon

    @ Ruby

    “Interesting that you acknowledge that equal attraction is a rare phenomenon, at least as it applies to your own situation, but that for the hundreds of single women reading this blog, the problem is that they are “pathologically maladapted to LTRs, that they have calibrated their biases to screen out the only men who are likely to invest in them long term,” and are part of a “toxic demographic.” Why is an attached man who feels as you do reading a blog dedicated to “smart, strong, successful women” if not to knock them down a few pegs?”

    I suppose it is exasperation from my personal interactions with female friends/family/acquaintances who are wont to rationalize their irrational biases through spurious justifications and reasoning – it has admittedly skewed my expectations.

    Perhaps instruction is best communicated through sympathetic terms(Evan’s job), than passionate criticism.

  13. 43
    Jack Horner

    I ain’t going broke while you comparison shop. I can handle rejection but after 3 dates…it aint about intimacy but we should be defining what type of relationship this is. I agree that single moms are undateable so far. I understand kids being a priority, but spending your time off with your friends instead of me is a turn off. Yeah, I like attention, but if the attraction between 2 people is mutual, then we’ll include each other with our friends. If mutual attraction isn’t present…oh well, it wasn’t meant to be.

  14. 44
    Mandy

    It’s not about ‘de-valuing’ someone just because they want too much too soon, it’s about using your common sense, dipping your toe before you dive and having enough time to really get to know someone in order to know if you would be compatible in a relationship (and it takes a lot more than a couple of dates to determine that! That’s why we ‘date’ first :-)). There’s a difference between liking someone a lot and suffocating them and we all need our own personal space otherwise it’s unhealthy (whether you are just dating or even married). I don’t see anything wrong in taking it slow, actually it seems far more rational than diving into something serious with someone you haven’t known long enough to ‘know’ or to develop deep feelings for. It’s not necessarily a bad thing, if you are also a clingy and intense woman who likes all that. Perhaps these men need to be clear from the start that they want to ‘run before they can walk’ and like to be the centre of your universe almost immediately….then you can determine whether you want to be a part of it….or part with it! I’ve given in to many fast movers and become emotionally involved with them before getting to know them…..in every case, they all turned out to be too clingy and have serious insecurity issues but because I’d let them in so soon, it made it much harder to walk away. So I think it’s healthier to date first for a few months and if you find someone who agrees with that, you are more likely to be on the same wavelength :-) Healthy relationships involve time together and time to yourself to be with friends and family. You need someone who is strong enough to swim alongside you but doesn’t need to cling to you to keep them afloat and stop them sinking beneath their waves of issues. Any person who is clingy doesn’t respect you because if they did, they wouldn’t be so greedy and would understand you need time to yourself as well and they have no right to make you feel guilty for that. Remember it is their issue not yours.

  15. 45
    Clare

    I agree with Mandy above.

    I think up to a certain point it’s differences in timing, but it’s also about common sense. I had a guy say he loved me after one date, and start talking about moving in together after 3 dates. Needless to say, I started backing away in extreme discomfort and then having to provide e-mail explanations about why I didn’t feel as strongly as him.

    And this after I had stated at the outset that I needed to take things slowly as I had just finalised my divorce.

    It was a pity because I had actually been very interested in him, but it was complete self-sabotage on his part. But I do agree with Mandy @ 45 this inability to observe just the normal rules of dating could signal insecurity which it would be unwise to give into. This guy I described above turned into something of a stalker which took me a couple of months to get rid of.

  16. 46
    Julia

    @Clare This might also be a tactic for “nicer” guys, ie guys without balls. I recently went out on a couple of dates with a man who would just gush over how wonderful I was, it was not attractive. When I told him that we weren’t right for each other he said “Yeah we don’t really have any connection other than how attractive you are.” So I guess he was using flattery as a tactic to get me in bed, I didn’t fall for it and it backfired on him.

  17. 47
    Louise Krekic

    Men and women have always been playing cat & dog games, that is totally normal. One advances and the other one pulls away. So it goes to the end where finally one of them wins. It’s in our nature to play that game and we do it to test the other person and to see how much they like us. If they likes us a lot they will still be back after many rejections.
    I wouldn’t misinterpret someone’s attention and advancing as being needy or clingy. Maybe the person really likes you. Don’t we need each other in relationships at least a little ? If you dont need anyone, why are you looking for a mate ? Why are some of us so scared of needy, clingy people ? Some men just like to know that the woman is theirs for life and men ar the ones that are sexually jealous. They dont want another man to get hands on their catch. Women are jealous of their man falling in love with another woman and abandoning them emotinally. It is all the evolutionary stuff. I could write about this for hours.

  18. 48
    Lucy

    Clingy people are absolutely bad news. There is no doubt about it. They don’t really like you for who you are. You could be anyone as far as they’re concerned. And if you end up in a relationship with a clingy person, they could get controlling and/or emotionally manipulative. Well, that is the bad side of that.

    I do not think everyone who has the potential to be clingy is necessarily bad though. I know because I look back at myself when I was clingier and I was never a bad person. I only had to learn to hold back in expressing how I felt about someone. A few months ago I went a date with a good guy. I knew he had potential but what put me off was the fact that he seemed to have built me up in his head and didn’t seem to treat me as someone he wanted to get to know. He was fast forwarding in his head to the ideal of a relationship, and I didn’t like the pace. I think what threw me is that he saw “relationship” in his mind without trying to establish how compatible we were.

    At the same time though, I have no idea why I would be afraid of someone being enthusiastic about me. I realise that this reflects how I felt about myself. I had read him as too clingy and a bit desperate. Now I know I was being unfair. I can see it so clearly now! I can see that I was unfairly dismissing his interest. I felt that I was leading conversation all the time, but perhaps I put him off because I wasn’t opening up enough myself. From now on, I’ve decided to make a real effort to not be so quick to pass judgement on someone for merely taking an interest and making a genuine effort.

    This is a perfect example of how women can jeopardise the potential of a good relationship with a quality man through self-sabotage (over-thinking). I blame the media I’ve been exposed to as well. There is so much literature on alpha males and pick up artistry. I have read too much of it and I believe that makes me too quick to reject the “nice guy”. I’m not talking about an insecure guy, I’m talking about the type of quality guy who might not stand out as much (but not due to lack of confidence). Truth is you don’t really want to be dating a man with a lot of false bravado and/or narcissism. Women who don’t see it for what it is aren’t digging deep enough!

  19. 49
    Karyn

    I’m on Leah’s side. The fact is, it takes time to get to know a person and dating is a perfect solution to discovering who that person is.  It’s not about being too guarded or hostile towards men or relationships, it’s about discovery.  Imagine if Marco Polo just sailed to the very first land mass he found, got off board, looked around the island, and said, ”Hey, I think I’ll call this America!”  except it was Lanzarote!  
    It’s mysterious behaviour when a guy wants to ‘define’ a relationship; this should come somewhat naturally after maybe two or three months of dating, phone calls and reciprocated communications and desire to spend time together.  It shouldn’t be forced.
    The guy who decides that he wants you in his life, asks you to commit, tells you that you are better off with him and that you should move in with him is probably a control freak.  I know because I’ve experienced Leah’s issue many times.  The biggest mistake these guys make is trying to make the womans life or lifestyle seem empty and needy, he probably doesn’t respect her goals and hopes either (because he has his own plans).  
    Leah, I hope you find someone who is as careful and considered as yourself, I hope you both take time to get know one another and enjoy the dating era of your relationship.  Good luck.  

  20. 50
    Mary

    Its even worse when those needy and clingy men start taking interest in married women (like myself). But I suppose those guys are too blinded by thoughts of sex than noticing I am married. Go figure.

  21. 51
    Hannai

    Hey guys, I agree with Leah, and anyone else who spoke along those same lines. I broke off an engagement earlier this year, because he didn’t respect me or my family. He talked trash about them alot, talked down on me because I always seemed to be doing something wrong, had no problem with me spending all my money on him and his cigerettes and beer, wanted me to call his kids “my kids” ( even though they have a perfectly capable mother, and she takes care of them most of the time, he only gets bi-weekly visits), wasn’t there for my when I got in my car accident, because he was scared of hospitals (bullshit). By the time I ended it with him, I was broke, and very emotionally distraught. It took me months to be okay with the idea of dating anyone again.
    The thing is….there were signs from the beginning. Me and him met through Facebook, because I was friends with his sister. When we starting talking, he told me how much he liked me, was very excitable ( loves exclamation points), and that we would be together FOREVER and he just knew we were meant to be. He was talking about how he would move to
    my state and go to my school. He came to my state and visited me. I told him that I didn’t really have those feelings for him (how could I? I don’t really know the guy). He got his feelings hurt but he kept trying. We ended up sleeping together after the first weekend we met. Funny thing is that I never slept with anyone before that.
    I decided that since he was being sweet to me even after that, he was truly into me. A month later I met his kids and we got along well. Although kids naturally like me anyway. I think that in his mind, I was the one for him. He wanted to marry me basically 2 months after he met me! I wasn’t ready for that yet and I wanted us to take it slow.
    It was probably 4 months before I really was in love with him. By that time, however, I think the chase wore off for him. He started smoking and drinking again ( at the beginning he said he had quit…I guess not), he decided he didn’t need his meds for bi-polar disorder anymore because he felt just fine. He became lazy when I came to intimacy, and he started asking me to pay for things for him. Several times he was verbally abusive. I should not have just walked, but RAN away from this loser, but I had fallen for him, and didn’t know what I would do without him. I felt a sense of duty to him, maybe because he treated me like a child.
    After several more months he moved in with me, and it was hell. I was miserable. I got in an accident like I said earlier and he wasn’t there. My family was furious with him. He didn’t like that they were disproving of him and trying to talk me out of being with him. I finally had enough with him after he told me that “I brought this out of him.” it was too much, especially after everything I did for him.
    I’ve learned from this diasaster thankfully. I could have avoided this altogether from the the beginning though if I had listened to my gut instincts about him being too clingy. This is what happens, ladies, if you don’t listen to red flags going off. Trust your instincts on this. Being with a bad person could rip away your self esteem, and then you have to spend months, and even years, rebuilding that.

  22. 52
    Peter

    Divorce is a Rampant Epidemic especially when the government & military (NATO) is behind it!

    I went to a father’s group in Texas (just north of Fort Hood) where some ex-military west pointer gave some real eye-opening comments. He basically said that the current Divorce process, legislation, court system and military is all one scheme that was put into play around the early 1960‘s. It was put in place for the Vietnam War, that’s when the divorces started to sky-rocket across the country (Google statistics).  That in addition, it was also designed to be one huge cash-cow to lure greedy lawyers to facilitate and destroy more families on the civilian side to get enough statistics to make it comparable to the military statistics. However the military numbers are still much higher. That is why  they then modified the scheme to use on police nationwide to raise the civilian stats as most are ex-military and won’t suspect anything wrong.

    It is designed to send “single” male soldiers without family responsibilities to war and deny ex-wives any long-term financial support that was initially and may still be coming from the military/ pentagon’s money pockets. This is why laws traditionally have been favoring women. Women are lured to divorce partners with both positive and negatives reinforcements. The positive is they get the kids, the house, money in many forms-child support etc thus they benefit in the short term. To the military, the soldiers wives are expendable as are the soldiers and even their children! Simply the less money the military spends on wives, kids, ex-soldiers, the medical bills etc, the more they have for their drones, guns, or bullets. The scheme is very very complicated but based on very slow very subtle psy-ops brainwashing tactics followed by Machiavellian divide and conquer restraining orders. He said that any Freedom of Information request will gradually reveal key pieces of data that when analyzed together with confirm all this. Talking about this among other soldiers would also reveal stuff, so they came up with “leave your family problems at home” and the “zero tolerance” to divorce and get the spouses or soldiers out of the service quickly before they talk and expose the scheme. Many times this leads to actual suicides or apparent “suicides” to silence those that know too much. This is also the reason why the Pentagon does not want to release documents related to divorce. Part of the even bigger Military-Industrial complex. Similar schemes used throughout the world pushed through United Nations facades.

    Basically makes wives and soldier fight and hate each other. The scheme basically exploits women’s emotional traits to spread itself to other victims.  The media contributes to the fear mongering and makes things worst. Fear (PTSD etc) makes women fear for their safety or some play the helpless damsel in distress thus they then go pleading to the oh-so-willing authorities who provide them with military issued cookie cutter divorce packets to take to a civilian lawyer. They do this to hide where the process initially starts.

  23. 53
    Severine

    I have the same problem .I recently went on a date with a
    guy who seemed nice, successful blah, blah blah. . However, there
    were some red flags which I willingly chose to ignore. Like the
    fact that he was 52 and still single and that his last relationship
    lasted only 3 months. Anyways, we hooked up(no sex). It was
    terrible! As we were kissing he starts to cry! I had no idea what
    to do. I just wanted him out of my house after that.  Then he
    starts mentioning( on the first date) that all he wants is a
    relationship and someone to spend every waking moment with. How we
    are soulmates and there’s a reason why were were at starbucks on
    the same day. He finally went home and immeditately begins texting
    and calling the next day. Within a week he asked me to hang out
    with him 8 different times. He was like,’it’s rare to find the kind
    of connection we share so you shouldn’t pass up this opportunity”
    I’ve never been more turned off in my life! I tried ignoring him,
    saying, I hope we can be friends, to I think you need a therapist,
    you are crazy, and needy. Then I  finally said STOP TEXTING ME
    I AM NOT INTERESTED IN HANGING OUT WITH YOU. Anyways, he didn’t get
    the hint so I had att block his number. Even after blocking his
    number he found a way to text me again today inviting me to some
    event. I was pissed and unloaded on his ass. I also contacted my
    brother who is a hell’s angel to give him a call:) His feelings
    were hurt, but I think he finally got the hint. Attention all you
    needy single men! WHEN A WOMAN SAYS NO SHE MEANS NO!!!!! I felt
    like he was convinced that if he kept calling and texting I would
    finally cave and give in. Disgusting. I am never giving my number
    to some random guy In a parking lot ever again.

  24. 54
    kate

    @Ryan, I agree. These women should want to know the agenda of said men. I agree that men who try to move fast like this either a.) just want sex and will part just as quickly or  b.) are desperate/emotionally wounded, train wrecks etc.
    Something else occurred to me — typically men are not eager to enter relationsips with women with children. They prefer to father their own rather than take care of another’s offspring. So….these men might be pedophiles.
    How often have we read about single women with little children marrying men who then proceed to abuse/molest said children.
    Usually the best advice is to raise the children and then pursue romance once the children are sufficiently mature or out of the house. 

  25. 55
    blueberrie

    OK I can totally relate to this article, can’t tell you the number of times it’s happened to me!  It actually IS scary.  AND men are really mean sometimes if you say slow down or can we just get to know each other WOWEE! I’ve been called everything from someone with trust and commitment issues to a highschool stuck up cheerleader type just because I didn’t want to say I love you to a guy after a couple of weeks or where I wasn’t “ok” with being called his girlfriend after 3 dates.  hell NO! I BOLT as fast as my high heels will take me right out of there!
    I’ve learned that these men are really just lonely guys who really want a girlfriend or wife, and typically any girl will do it seems.  They are totally passive aggreessive, not nice, controlling, angry etc etc.  I actually find they are very vindictive and they really are just ticked off that they can’t get women to follow their lead.  that’s what I find is behind it all…. I’d rather stay single thanks! 
    actually I used to have slight anxiety or panic attacks prior to the second date with a guy because this just kept happening to me and I would wonder WHEN is it going to happen?  is this guy going to embarrass me? put me on the spot?  to be quite frank, I don’t like having to deal with this type of man’s feelings, I don’t think I should have to, I honestly don’t even think at this point that should it happen again that I would even get into the conversation with him about it or try and explain that I’m looking for something NORMAL!  I’d rather just put my portion of the cost of dinner down, and walk out.  not nice I know but you know, neither is putting a woman on the spot like that and getting upset about it when you don’t even FREAKIN know her! get a life! 
    I actually have TRIED with some of these men because I might have actually really liked them and thought to myself that ok they are just a little “overly excited” or eager and I was willing to give them a shot and go with it, forget it.  they turn obsessive within another week, accuse you of doing all kinds of things, try and control your time… etc etc, not worth it.   you know, when I first started dating all of this shocked me, now it’s just par for the course. 
     
     
     

  26. 56
    Sparkling Emerald

    Blueberrie – Are you bragging or complaining ?

  27. 57
    Kitty

    I understand where Leah is coming from and Evan’s respond was a little one sided. Of course we all want to be appreciate and liked after the first couple of dates HOWEVER if a man is planning a long term situation without getting to know you is up to something dubious. I dont care whether I like a man or not it is inappropriate to do certain things before the right time. Many ask, when is the right time? what is being clingy or desperate? If you are an adult you should have the answers to all of these questions. I can meet George Clooney or Idris Elba tomorrow and if either one tell me that they love me after two weeks I would be concerned and frankly turned off. I experienced this a couple of months ago and recently broke it off to have him being aggressive and not taking no for an answer. This guy telling me he loved me after a few weeks was a RED FLAG, he is not looking for love, he is looking for the idea of love and thats not healthy for anyone. A healthy adult is going to take the time to get to know you and respect you. I am suspicious of people who want to commit without any foundation. Its okay to find me or any other women beautiful and easy to get along with but it is necessary and very important to get past the exterior and lets get to know one another. I have never in my 30 years told a man I loved him in a few weeks, I have felt strong feelings where I felt that I wanted to get to know this person more and spend more time and expressed those feelings but love takes time. Anyone who tells you its okay to just commit to another person who is virtually a stranger in a few weeks is not being intellectual and emotionally healthy. A person who has everything to lose will jump for anyone, the people who have everything to live for and protect will make sure you two are compatible and not rush. The rushers always turn out to be selfish. BTW, Desperate and clingy people are energy vampires, they want to cling to ANYBODY, they will settle for ANYBODY so you usually will not be treated well in the long run, they will charm you just to get their hooks in so they can have you invested before you really know who they are and leave. Healthy people are secure with nothing to hide therefore there is no rush or secrets, just openness. 

  28. 58
    Shaun

    I just got told “don’t be so clingy” by a woman that I just started seeing, we have not have had sex yet. She told me this in after we said goodnight and I told she was adorable. Before this she told me to not get too attached. She still wants to see me but I don’t believe I’m being clingy. I don’t constantly message/text her but when we do converse I tell her–not constantly–that she’s cute/adorable. I’m confused. Maybe she’s in it for sex? I’m ok with that too. I just don’t understand why she would say “don’t be clingy” or “don’t get attached.”

    1. 58.1
      Kitty

      She isn’t into you dude – cut her loose.

      1. 58.1.1
        Dawn

        What Kitty said.

  29. 59
    J

    Shaun #58- I think she is telling you that she isn’t the settle-down, girlfriend type ( and maybe she got the impression that’s what you were looking for). I wouldn’t put a lot of credence in her opinion that you are needy, but when someone tells you not to get attached to them it’s for a reason and you should listen.

  30. 60
    Mike

    To the women complaining bout desperate, clingy men acting as they do. Imagine going through life not getting anyway in anything from job/career to a girl. Add in loneliness and many of these so called desperate girls will commit suicide. Dating is as easy for men as it is for women. I personally just wanna be given a chance but i go so long between girls thats its hard to not seem desperate. Im not sure where this female attitude came from but its destroying the dating lives of a lot of us guys including mine.

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