How Do I Date After My Divorce If I Think All Women Are Gold Diggers?

Evan – First, I’d like to thank you and everyone who posts on your blog. Now that I’m back in dating mode, I can use all the help I can get. You recently addressed the issue of how to get over a broken heart. Well when some relationships end, there is not only a broken heart but also a devastating financial impact which naturally has an adverse effect upon one’s emotions. The advice for a broken heart is usually a mixture of “give it some time”, “he/she wasn’t the right one for you”, and “find a new BF/GF.” Over time, the pain dissipates, and if someone is reluctant to start a new relationship because of fear of being hurt again, then the “is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved” words start flowing. It’s all good advice and most people, myself included, are able to dust ourselves off and enter into a new relationship after an appropriate amount of time. The broken heart I have dealt with. The “broken bank account,” however, is a problem that I have to deal with for the remainder of my life.

 

My ex was awarded 50% of savings/pension/etc. – no problem. I pay child support – no problem. I have to pay permanent alimony until the day one of us passes away – Big Problem! One of your posters mentioned removing all reminders of an ex as a way to ease the heartbreak. I cannot remove the reminder of sending my ex a substantial check every month. My plan to switch careers after the divorce was derailed because the alimony is based on my earnings potential. My plan to retire is a dream because my state does not recognize voluntary retirement as a valid reason to decrease an alimony award.

I have two issues. The immediate concern is I keep meeting women who basically live a life of leisure due to winning the alimony lottery. Once I realize their source of income, I lose all respect for them and view them as gold diggers and opportunists. Yet part of me realizes I shouldn’t view them this way because they’re only taking advantage of the laws of the state (the McDonald’s hot coffee in the lap scenario just popped into my mind.) I’ve been so turned off by the initial alimony disclosure that I never pursue the relationships further. I think alimony might be warranted based on the circumstances, but how should I dig a little deeper to find out if she is a money grubbing lotto winner or someone who truly deserves the alimony?

 

I would love to find “the one” and eventually re-marry, yet the practical side of me is extremely risk averse. It’s hard enough to enter into a relationship knowing your heart might be broken some day. After getting ^&* by the courts and the ex, it is extremely difficult to deal with the possibility that I might end up paying alimony to two women for life. Any advice other than find a rich woman or insist on a prenup? By the way, if this is posted on your blog I’d love to hear from some women who are paying alimony as well as the views of some women who are receiving alimony.

–Jaded Man

 

Dear Jaded,

This is an important question and I’m not going to muck it up by writing a long-winded answer. All I will say is this before I let our readers have a go:

Unless you want to protect yourself from finding love ever again, you’re better off not interrogating your dates, no matter how much you want to.

Emotionally, you are no different than the woman who had her husband cheat on her. You’ve trusted, you’ve been burned, and it’s hard not to judge each new woman by the unfortunate standards set by your ex. But I’ll tell you the same thing I tell every woman who doesn’t trust: “The next woman has nothing to do with the last woman.” They’re independent rolls of the dice.

And unless you want to protect yourself from finding love ever again, you’re better off not interrogating your dates, no matter how much you want to.

If I’m a woman, it’s not my fault that your wife sucked you dry, and I shouldn’t have to pay the emotional price for it. I shouldn’t be treated like a common criminal. I shouldn’t spend a second thinking about what she did to you. All I can do is show you, in word, and in deed, that my heart is in the right place. Beyond that, you just have to trust.

I think your story is very relevant to this blog, my friend, for two reasons:

1)   To show the man’s side of the story. Even as an advocate for women, I am VERY sympathetic to you and don’t think that divorce is fair to men. Division of assets and life time alimony is a very good reason why a man would not want to be married ever again and it would be hard to reason otherwise with him.

2)   To show women readers who reflexively think that you should give women a break that they’re being hypocritical. It’s easy to sit here and tell you to trust, Jaded Man; it’s a lot harder for them to let a man into their hearts and believe that the right man will do the right thing.

All I can do is stress that you should choose a partner based on character over intense physical chemistry.

It’s even harder to tell both men and women that there are no guarantees in life. If my wife takes off one day because she falls in love with another man, demands half of my money and custody of our daughter, I’d be shocked and devastated – but there would have been nothing I could have done to prevent it.

All I can do is stress that you should choose a partner based on character over intense physical chemistry. If you do that, you’ll be unlikely to find yourself in this awful position once again.

Let’s see what women have to say about it, but I think it would be hard to be unsympathetic to your travails. Really. It’s the worst nightmare of most guys and our women readers would be well-served to be sensitive to this reality…

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Comments:

  1. 61
    Lawrence

    Wow, see this makes me think it’s impossible because, not to offend by the generalization, but women just are not getting Jaded’s underlying point: the LEGAL system is literally set up to harm/punish men! How does a man cope with THAT underlying risk? If he decides, “ok, she’s different” or “Im gonna really give this a try” & she decides, on a whim, to be psychotic, he’s screwed….AGAIN! If a woman is in a bad relationship, the law is on her side. There are some bad cases for women, but for the most part, the law is written to protect women. Why? The law should be written to protect good PEOPLE from bad people, not genders or races. I know that that is naive, but whatever happened to justice is blind? 
    THAT paradox that men face (I know not ALL women are bad, but the LAW treats ALL MEN like we’re bad & doesnt protect us from bad women) is what makes it REALLY hard for men to overcome vindictive, abusive ex’s. Sadly, we need women to be more understanding, compassionate, sympathetic with us & importantly, vocal against these crazy women that give the good women a bad name.

    1. 61.1
      Jamie

      Stop pity-begging, dude.  Laws do not ‘punish’ men.  Statistically, women and children are more likely to live in poverty after a divorce, and men are more likely to be financially well off.  And statistically, men are more likely to lie and claim their ex is abusive.  I have no ‘understanding, sympathy or compassion’ for guys whose fears are mainly a narrative they’ve made up and doesn’t tend to happen in reality.  But please, stay single.

  2. 62
    BurnedBadly

    My recommendation for all men is not to marry.  The courts view all marriage as simply a financial partnership that is equal.  I know many men, including me, who found out that their wife, who refused to get a job for 15 years, took their husband’s SSN and setup credit cards in the husband’s name and sent the bills to PO boxes not their house.  The boyfriend they have been seeing for years, while you were working, obviously received all sorts of nice gifts.  When you complain to the judge that she stole your identity it is usually followed with a response of “well you were married, too bad.”  Another simple retort from one judge was “well you should have protected yourself.”  When you work the extra hours to save your family, that is now being broken apart by her filing for divorce, from bankruptcy the judge will accuse you of working too many hours and grant her primary custody.  But the judge is thankful that you saved him from having to also handle a bankruptcy simultaneously with the divorce.  When you ask your lawyer to do something she says “you are a man you are going to get screwed by divorce, deal with it.”  There are websites encouraging women to get their settlement early and explain these techniques in detail.  In Wisconsin divorce works great for women.  They can run up massive credit card debt and it is the man’s problem, not hers.  Then she gets half of whats left after she absconded with the bulk of the assets.  To add insult to injury you will pay an excessive amount of money to her every month, for child support, and when you pick your kids up they are hungry and need clothes.  So you provide clothes, tuition, lessons and whatever they need on top of paying support. When you ask where the money is going you are told that you don’t need to know, but she loves to show you her fantastic nails she just got done from the window of her new car and she loves to show you pictures of her new condo from her new smartphone.  The ex wife will usually begin to look for a job once the judge threatens her so that she can make sure they have zero income for as long as possible.  Paying for her to finish two degrees while you were married is conveniently ignored and asking for them to calculate a potential income for her is far too hard for a court to do, so they fill zero into the form where her income is recorded.  In addition, in Wisconsin years ago, men were required to give tax returns to our ex wives.  Just in case they wanted to request more support after you spent years digging yourself out of the hole she created.
    There are plenty of women that will sleep with you.  Skip marriage its a waste of time and will simply put all your hard work in some guy’s pocket who will sleep with your wife after she divorces you.  She will never remarry because she will date scum balls who will spend time with your kids.  She knows that the support agreement is nullified if she marries so they will live together and never marry.  And you have nothing to say about the life the kids lead with her. After years of marriage you will find that the woman you married changed dramatically and will probably cheat on you and use the kids as a meal ticket because she is bored or unhappy.  But like in a business its all about cash flow.  
    Nothing is worse than looking in your son’s face at the age of 18 and explaining that his college education was stolen by his mother years before.
    I love the idea of prenupts but I have lawyer friends that specialize in breaking them.
    I know this all sounds bitter but the truth is horrible and after 6 years I live this horror daily.  Men need to know about the massive inequality in courts, young men like me, ignored the veterans and we ended up paying dearly as did our children.  For me the risk far, far outweighs the benefits of marriage until divorce laws are changed.  If you look at the probability that 50% of marriages will end in divorce the downside far outweighs the upside.  Find women who don’t want to get married and be friends with benefits.  Pray for married male friends most are living on borrowed time.  More importantly pray for their children and the carnage that divorce brings to their lives. 

    1. 62.1
      starthrower68

      This is prolly  not the best blog to advise men to go for women who only want FWB’s situations, given that more women that men look for advise here.  Sorry you had a bad experience, but if you have an ax to grind, a blog for pick up artists is probably a better place to work that out.

      1. 62.1.1
        never again

        I agree with jaded.  I was in a marriage where I knew things were rocky, but I never saw the fright train coming.  She woke up early one Saturday and “took the kids to the park” which I thought was odd as she never woke up early and even more rarely did anything with the kids.  Two hours later, police showed up at my door with an order of protection giving me ten minutes to vacate literally my life.  She had lied to get a restraining order.  I had been the primary parent, though some investments had allowed me to bring in decent money.  She took it all, I was left with no money, no home, and no access to my kids.  I will never allow myself to be either so vulnerable or so foolish ever again.

  3. 63
    Disgusted

    Don’t do it brother. You are not alone in your thoughts. We are a growing number of men and our sons are learning from our mistakes. You have to remember that alimony laws are supported by the majority of women. Individually, they’ll tell you otherwise but why would they run you off? My ex lied in court and was granted alimony based on her statements alone. No evidence period! If you want more of that go ahead but you asked for it! Good luck!

  4. 64
    Dina Strange

    In Russia, we have a saying “Communists created love, so they didn’t have to pay women”. I agree, that the man in question throws the term “gold-digger” way too liberally, that he is not ready to date, and that his wife also had a child with him, and i assume stayed at home to raise it. Also, just to bring some statistics, single women raising children end up below poverty line way more often than men since women still make 70 cents on every dollar a man makes.

  5. 65
    AM

    Well most of them are certainly these days.

  6. 66
    lfl

    yeah as a jewish girl in Canada i’ve always noticed many girls do well once they marry..part time or no work..big houses in nice areas of town…live in annys…maids come in once a week…the women basically do nothing all day…and it’s not like they are beautiful..most are average…and there husbands are loyal…non drinkers and good fathers…and they still complain about them!! I married a regular income guy cause it never was in my DNA but I’m in the minority know.

  7. 67
    jawn

    I am tired of westernized females who gladly expect me to play my traditional roles of the year 1800,while western females feel they dont have to play any of their traditional roles because thats sexist….

    I dated a woman for 4 years who cooked me one lousy egg in four years!!!!

    That same woman gladly expected me to cook,protect her in public,make her laugh and take her out to dinner without recipricating….

    While many females dont even look feminine anymore…They cut their hair off,cover themselves in tattoos,walk like men,will physically fight a man over trivial things….

    While western women in the Usa have inititiated 75% of the 50% of all marriages that end in divorce.

    Men are actually getting tired of sex.Sex with western women is very easy….Sex is just sex though….Where are the real women who offer more than a hoo hoo.

    American women have priced themselves out of the dating and marriage market with rotten entitlement attitudes and huge backsides….

    We want our women back,like that is going to happen!!

    Buy a dog and put your nuts on ice,instead of dating or marrying a western woman.

     

  8. 68
    brasilia

    When a person  makes you pay the emotional price for having been chewed up by a former spouse, that is abuse.  That person is using you.  I learned in less than one year that a man was attempting to make me pay both an emotional price and a financial price for having been cheated on by his ex wife and still losing half of his assets to her while paying rehabilitative alimony.  He was so angry and resentful and it was toward women in general, not just his ex.  This is displaced anger and emotional immaturity. Another thing I learned is that men who are still in love with their ex wives at the time of the divorce get taken the hardest because they enter into the worst types of financial arrangements.  They pay ongoing child support, legal bills, health insurance, alimony AND split the assets!  For many men, this will devastate them financially and not allow them to be providers in another household.  And men actually sign on the dotted line without being ordered by the judge to do so “to save on legal bills”. That means no one actually held them to the fire to enter into that embarrassing arrangement.  No wonder they are trying to get me to be their sugar momma! I have a new rule not to get involved with any man who is still paying out bills to another family, especially alimony! To the man who wrote the original letter for this post: unless a man has assets that allow for polygamy, lifetime alimony is a big no no.  I would never date you.

  9. 69
    brasilia

    When a person  makes you pay the emotional price for having been chewed up by a former spouse, that is abuse.  That person is using you.  I learned in less than a year, thank goodness, that a man was attempting to make me pay both an emotional price and a financial price for having been cheated on by his ex wife and still losing half of his assets to her while paying rehabilitative alimony.  He was so angry and resentful and it was toward women in general, not just his ex.  This is displaced anger and emotional immaturity. Another thing I learned is that men who are still in love with their ex wives at the time of the divorce get taken the hardest because they enter into the worst types of financial arrangements.  They pay ongoing child support, legal bills, health insurance, alimony AND split the assets!  For many men, this will devastate them financially and not allow them to be providers in another household.  And men actually sign on the dotted line without being ordered by the judge to do so “to save on legal bills”. That means no one actually held them to the fire to enter into that embarrassing arrangement.  No wonder they are trying to get me to be their sugar momma! I have a new rule not to get involved with any man who is still paying out bills to another family, especially alimony! AS FAR AS I AM CONCERNED, THAT MAN IS STILL MARRIED! Men are “made” to protect and to provide for those they love and if they can’t protect and provide for a new family, they should not enter into a new one.  Only enter a relationship when you can give to family 2 everything you gave to family 1, including the love, trust and faith and money. To the man who wrote the original letter for this post: unless a man has assets that allow for polygamy, lifetime alimony is a big no no.  I am a woman with my own means and I would never date you.  I will not date a man who is financially committed to another woman.

  10. 70
    Rebecca

    Hmm.  I’m just going to mention a couple personal stories, without judgment, although you’ll probably imply a few judgments from my stories.  And I can’t resist repeating the fact that women and children are much more often in poverty after divorce than men (in the U.S. – I dunno about the rest of the world).

    My college boyfriend “punished” me for breaking up with him by opening up a bunch of credit cards jointly in both our names, maxing them out, and letting them default.  When I contacted law enforcement about it I was told “that’s a domestic; we can’t help you.”

    My sister-in-law married a gainfully employed man who promptly quit his paying job because he felt called to plant a church.  The fact that she hadn’t agreed to support him didn’t matter because God’s concerns outranked hers.  He also couldn’t be bothered to help with childcare or housework because his church was his primary commitment.  After about a decade of this, she divorced him for this behavior and had to pay spousal support ’cause former spouses aren’t supposed to have to starve when they divorce.

    My mom put my dad through med school, as did a number of their friends.  My parents remain happily married, but some dozen of the couples they were friends with broke up immediately after the men began their practices because the men no longer needed her support.  I believe most of the women did get temporary spousal support from their exes.

    My boyfriend’s ex-wife quit her job a few months before leaving him.  It was pretty clearly a calculated decision to maximize her divorce settlement, and she did get more than half of their combined assets.  She also cheated on him.  Lucky for me, he is not judging me by her behavior.  He seems instead to have complete faith in my loyalty and he seems quite content to spend money on me at a level that leaves me completely incapable of meeting him halfway.

    Maybe divorce is unfair to men.  Maybe it’s unfair to woman.  Seems to me divorce just kind of sucks and there is no way to send people their separate ways without both being left in a lesser state.  Having just read another post on the unhealthiness of a victim mentality, I’m inclined to say that everyone has been hurt one way or the other and you only have the option of dating again if you’re willing to put the past injuries aside as much as possible and judge the new person on his/ her own merits, not on your injuries.

  11. 71
    Cara

    First, let me say I am a divorced woman, who stayed at home, homeschooled for most of our chidren’s lives. I got alimony for 3 years. I wouldn’t have wanted lifetime alimony. I don’t think that a man owes a woman a living for life.

    As I did sacrifice many years of my life, while he worked 2 jobs, or lots of overtime, I do wish that we had put aside in an IRA, and equal amount of what went into his 401K. And that is what I will suggest to my children who want to be stay at home moms.

    No one should sacrifice their education. Some things can’t be helped, of course.

    But, I don’t think it’s right to expect a man to pay $ for life to a woman who left him of her own free will.

  12. 72
    Evan Marc Katz

    I didn’t make an attempt because you’re a waste of time. You seem to think women are gold digging whores. I am not inclined to try to convince you otherwise, even though I know very few gold digging whores and lots of incredible women. So you go your own way – keep spouting your nonsense about women selling pussy – and I’ll continue being happily married and helping other women find men who have healthier views of the opposite sex. See ya.

  13. 73
    Laura

    I’m the reverse, I guess. I’m the wife paying alimony to the stbxh. I understand your pain. As was mentioned, I am much more focused on the character of my potential next partner rather than the initial crazy chemistry and love-bombing. Funny I should be here, because I was always a pay my fair share/let’s go Dutch girl. I am where I am because my mother taught me to care for myself. I am pretty. I am fun. I am honest and faithful. There are good women out there just as I hope there are good guys out there, too, who just got caught up in a bad situation. Keep the faith 🙂

  14. 74
    hard working woman

    I chose yes “chose” to marry a man with an addictive personality and had 2 beautiful children with him. We struggled emotionally & financially for years even though we both had good jobs! When it became to much to bare I walked away. I have my own good paying  job with benefits and because I am the primary parent and the kids live with me he pays child support & 70% of their activities only! He is a good father just was a lousy husband so I only take what I need to give the kids a good life so that when they are with him he can afford to have fun with them also. Not all women are gold digging bitches just like all men aren’t lying cheating jerks! Love is a gamble but worth it if you find the right person I would have no problem signing a prenuptial agreement with the man Iam in a relationship with now! He went through an ugly divorce with a cruel woman who took him for alot emotionally & financially! He has built himself back up & lives quite well on his own I don’t feel that Iam entitled to his empire only what I bring to the table. His two children are entitled to the legacy he has created!

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