How Do I Stay Sane While I Wait for Him to Call?

How Do I Stay Sane While I Wait for Him to Call?

Hi Evan,

After a fantastic third date with a new guy I’m very interested in–dinner, live music, and coming back to my place where we talked until 2:45 am (did not have sex or even make out), he gave me a kiss and left without saying he’d call. Now I’m racking my brain to see if I did or said something wrong. It’s only been three days and I know I should calm down and be confident that he really likes me, as you suggest. I am continuing to make plans to meet other guys. But THIS guy is the one I’m interested in. How can I stay sane while waiting to see if he’s going to ask me out for this weekend?

Thanks a lot,

Roxanne

Roxanne,

By the time you read my reply, I predict that you will barely even remember this guy.

Wait, that’s not true. You’ll remember this guy. He won’t remember you.

This is one of the things that I know to be true about dating.

It’s a big ol’ revolving door – and it’s only our unrealistic set of expectations surrounding it that cause us to get hurt so frequently.

So let’s take a step back and observe. Forgive me if I leap to a few conclusions, since I don’t know anything about you personally.

This is one of the things that I know to be true about dating. It’s a big ol’ revolving door – and it’s only our unrealistic set of expectations surrounding it that cause us to get hurt so frequently.

Let’s say you met him online. How many men have you corresponded with on your dating site? 50? 100? 200? 1000?

How many of those men turned into first dates?

How many of those first dates turned into second dates?

How many of those second dates turned into boyfriends?

How many of those boyfriends lasted more than six months?

What we see when we take the 35,000 foot overview on your love life is that it’s really, really rare for a relationship to take off.

If you’re like everybody else, it’s a trial and error. Sometimes, you get lucky. Sometimes you don’t.

I went on over 300 dates before getting married. I got second dates with most of them, but some refused to see me a second time.

It’s really not that mysterious. Every man you like doesn’t like you sufficiently in return.

As for the women who I really connected with, I “committed” to probably ten women in that time. We were exclusive for 1 to 8 months. I dumped half. Half dumped me.

This is just called dating.

It’s really not that mysterious.

Every man you like doesn’t like you sufficiently in return.

You’re very attuned to that part.

What you don’t get nearly as upset about are the many men who are very interested in you that YOU’RE not excited by.

Should these men – who ultimately don’t stand a chance with you, no matter how pleasant your first date was – get UPSET? Should they rack their brains and obsess about what they did “wrong”? Should they keep calling you over and over to see if you’re interested simply because THEY’RE interested?

This is the blind spot of single people.

Women think it’s perfectly fair to ignore an email from a guy or refuse to return a phone call so he can take a hint.

Yet a man is a player or a liar or a jerk for not being sufficiently interested in you.

This ain’t that complicated.

If he’s interested in you, he’ll follow up in a couple of days, max.

If he’s not interested in you, he won’t.

Your level of interest in him is entirely irrelevant.

And the lesson to be learned is that, if this kind of thing happens over and over (and based on your emails, it does), it would seem to be prudent to not get too excited or emotionally attached to a guy until he’s called himself your boyfriend.

How do you do this in real life?

Well, I wrote an entire book about it. It’s called “Why He Disappeared” and if you struggle with the same issues that Ashley does, it’s probably time for you to pick up a copy.

And yes, there’s a money-back guarantee.

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Comments:

  1. 31
    artie

    Wow!  Such a group of sensible supportive folks.  Thank you especially Rochelle 19, starthrower68 23, and Angie 24 as you all give excellent advice!
    To rehash, I’m artie 17 w/ the guy that flirts w/ me at work, and I was experiencing frustration that he’s all talk and no action.   Truth be told, he tries hard to put in as much physical contact at when when he can, a touch of the hand, super big hugs and a kiss on the cheek (though not to anyone else), laughs at every word I utter.
    Funny how the hormones can play such tricks on us…  With the mutual attraction, you’re right I’m seeing all this as obvious signs for wanting more.  But you guys give GREAT advice (ok, Evan you’re the fearless leader in all this by proxy).
    So I’ll lay low, only mirror what he offers me, STOP pining.  :)  And in the meantime, better start getting my profile back up on Match.
    Thank you oh Wise Ones for the sage advice!  XXOO

  2. 32
    Bill

    All these negative feelings about dating all stems from dating someone who isn’t all that interested in dating you. If you can’t handle the mating dating game it is time for you to date someone who is super interested in you. 

    Instead of blaming other people you should be blaming yourself for your own choices because that is the only thing you can change.

  3. 33
    Henriette

    I hear you, @Amy2!  On my dates I try to be warm, pleasant, affirming, interested in what they have to say.  But, I will not allow myself to feel anything for a guy unless he puts himself on the line; I’ve had my hopes raised & dashed after a date or three too often when I was younger.  
     
    But then this has become a problem.  Over the past few years I’ve received feedback from guys I’ve gone on dates with that I was lovely but didn’t seem sufficiently “into them.” They wanted stronger signals of interest from me before diving in, and not receiving that, they gave up and instead went for other women who seemed much more eager about them.   So, on one hand, genuinely digging a guy after one date generally leads to hurt feelings and disappointment for me, but when I just sit back and mirror, they think that I’m only lukewarm and they want a stronger Green Light.

  4. 34
    Rampiance

    I once got burned really bad by working hard to relate to a guy who ended up scamming me big time.   After that experience, I decided that I would ONLY take seriously men who showed a LOT (I do mean tons) of interest in me, and the kind of interest I like to receive.   So now when I go out, I have a great time because I love to have fun and, after all, I’M in charge of how much fun I have.   It may be the last time I ever see this guy, so of course I want to make the most of it.   It’s actually one of my assumptions during our outing: something will happen and we won’t ever see each other again.   (Family emergencies happen, lives get upended, people move to other cities/states/countries.)  
     
    On the other hand, it may be the start of a wonderful friendship, so I do my part as a potential good friend.
     
    After the date, though, I don’t even think about it, because (1) I’ll never see him again, per my standard assumption; (2) We’re just potential friends, and we both already have plenty of those, and friends take time and effort to maintain, so I don’t expect him to add to his responsibilities when he has so many others; and (3) He has to show tons of the right kind of interest before I’d take him seriously as a lover.
     
    My point is that when you “date”, you have all these rules and expectations and guidelines and MY GOD it’s so damn complicated!   Make it easy for yourself and don’t “date”.   Go on outings with potential friends.   So much less pressure.   And easy to stay sane!

  5. 35
    Rampiance

    On a totally different note, here’s a story a lover told me.   He was upset about my not calling him as often as he wanted me to, although we didn’t specify call times or frequencies.   He thought I wasn’t showing enough interest in him, although he was intensely interested in me.
     
    One day, he stood waiting by his phone for me to call, kind of steaming with impatience and frustration.   His hands were on the counter either side of where the phone sat; he was staring at the phone hard enough to melt it.   Finally he blew a fuse and just gave up ~ released his attachment and let his heart soften enough to feel kindness toward me instead of hardness.
     
    His phone rang in less than a minute.
     
    At the other end of the line, I’d been feeling so much pressure, I felt alienated from calling … until that moment when the pressure lifted and I felt free enough to breathe and free enough to move toward him instead of resisting the push.   That’s when I called.
     
    I think people respond to psychic pressure more than they are aware of.   When you send out that pressure “call me, call me, call me”, it can feel pretty creepy at the other end.

  6. 36
    Rochelle

    Best of luck artie :-)
     
    Rampiance, I like your mindset on dating.  Similarly to you I  treat men who I can’t tell if they are really interested or not more like friends.  Some of these guys still treat it as a date when we go out in terms of taking the lead and planning everything, but I figure if they really wanted to pursue something serious, they’d make more of an effort  to make sure that I know that they want me. I  treat them the same way in terms of mirroring them as the men who make more effort ..and it works for me.

    Example, I have a friend at work (another co-worker story) he’s flirted so I flirted back.  He asked me out to lunch a few times and I said yes to  the occasions.  it’s clear that he’s attracted and he likes me but at the moment,  I’m not feeling it’s anything more than that. We don’t keep in touch heavily outside work. And I’m not sure on how i feel about actually dating someone at work , although we don’t have to see each other much. Plus  we don’t know each other that well. So I just mirrored his efforts without putting out that expectation him to do more. Then the other day he asked me out to dinner but I didn’t feel comfortable considering it yet and told him while I appreciated the invitation  I was ok with lunch for now. this is also an example of how we are in control of “how much fun” we have too. I recently started online dating again so I’m looking forward to what other prospects have to offer.

     Also agreeing with you regarding psychic pressure. Being the spiritual person that I am and from my own experience, I believe  people  subconsciously sense that “pressure” vibe, even if you aren’t verbalizing it.  If your vibe is saying “I need you, commit to me! call me, damn it!” it makes them resist more.  But when you let go of that feeling and realize it’s ok if you don’t hear from him again, he will be more likely to call.  

  7. 37
    Ellen

    Rampiance #35 and Rochelle #36: psychic energy fascinates me also, though it’s pretty darn hard to quantify or research. There is an Oxford educated biologist in the UK named Rupert Sheldrake who is trying to quantify it by amassing tons of anecdotal reports. He’s researched the feeling of being watched which all of us experience sooner or later (I think it’s the person’s subtle body there or disincarnates), dogs/cats/other animals who can return home even over very long distances (the homing instinct), dogs/cats that can read their owner’s minds, etc.

    Anyway, I have tried to tap into the psychic connection me and my bf have and here and there I can tell when he is thinking about me. 
    To love one soul is like adding its life to your own; your life is, as it were, multiplied and you virtually live in two centres. – Meher Baba
     

  8. 38
    Lucy

    I don’t get really into someone very quickly – at least not as quickly as I used to. Especially since I’ve read this and other weblogs I’m starting to wonder if there’s a catch because I’m not as vulnerable around men as I used to be. I don’t put them on pedestals any more and I think they notice it. One of my friends gets noticed more and she’s more submissive than me. But I wouldn’t say I’m a strong woman. I want to be the submissive one in the relationship and I worry that if I initiate something with a guy, I will be doing it all the time. This happened to me before. I honestly felt like I was the man in the relationship and I hated it. I’m afraid to make a  move because all the men I’ve dated got lazy and complacent and I was the one making the effort all the time. 

    There seem to be two prominent schools of thought in dating advice – one which says to let men ask you out because only then you know they’re really into you.  And the other says that a woman will get nowhere unless she asks men for dates, phone numbers etc and chats up men in any possible public situation. That immediately strikes me as out of my comfort zone but perhaps that suggests that it’s something I should be doing. Is there a way to strike a path through the middle and still come across as a high value woman? It all seems pretty black and white. I am so confused.

  9. 39
    Rochelle

    Lucy, the advice out there that advocates the men asking you out  is  in our best interest. A woman making all the moves not only comes off as needy or aggressive to most men; like you said, it really doesn’t let a man show his efforts and interest level.  Your experience of the men getting complacent and lazy also proves that you will start to feel more like “the man” So I don’t believe in the new school “women should ask men out”.  I played by the “modern” ideas a lot and it got me nowhere..   in my late 20s after being “enlightened” I  have  switched it around and I’m glad I got the memo this early.

    Sure once you’re actually in the relationship, doing some of the initiating is fine, since it’s more of an established partnership then.  but during through courtship  let the man take the lead and just mirror, i.e., respond to whatever he does. Maybe this would be the middle road you’re looking for because some poor advice out there says you should let a man ask you out and you should also go out of your way to play hard to get. Like not returning his calls, always taking a long time to reply to him, deliberately ignore him, etc

  10. 40
    Karmic Equation

    Lucy
     
    It sounds like you prefer the alpha-type guy (the take charge kind), so I would recommend you follow the school that says let HIM make all the contact. If you want to stand out to an alpha guy, DON’T BE LIKE the other girls who are also interested in him. You can bet most of them are texting and calling him to go out for drinks or whatever. BE DIFFERENT and let him come to you. You allow two important things to happen if you let him make contact:
     
    1) You know HE likes YOU rather than simply responding out of kindess or laziness or whatever
     
    2) You distinguish yourself from your competitors (and always assume there are competitors if you’re after an alpha)
     
    Good luck!

  11. 41
    Lucy

    @Rochelle – thanks for your response. Your advice makes a lot of sense. I will try and continue with the good tips on this blog. It’s quite difficult because I have other women around me telling me to give guys a chance who I don’t fancy. And some guys tell me that I’m sexist for wanting someone who’ll do the asking out. When I say I prefer to let the guy do that, they think I’m the princess type which is actually far from the truth. I’m easy going and I don’t care too much for money or even looks most of the time. It’s a man’s character that really attracts me. 

    I’m still a bit young (I’m 23) and this blog has single-handedly stopped me in my tracks with how I was dating. I get less casual attention from men now because I don’t act like I want it all the time. And as you mentioned in your last paragraph, I would definitely never play games.  

    @Karmic – Thanks. Your posts tend to reflect how I think about most topics on here.

    You’re right. I do go for the alpha guy. I really can’t help myself. I find that I can’t be attracted to men who aren’t like that and I wouldn’t expect them to change. However I  think I’m on mission impossible because I want a guy who’s alpha, intelligent and has family values, but doesn’t believe I should spend all my time in the kitchen. But I don’t have model looks so perhaps I have too many expectations? What else attracts an alpha male?

    You guys are great btw! I really appreciate the tips. :)

  12. 42
    Michelle

    I can chat up men with the best of them, however, I would NEVER ask for their number or ask them out on a date.  IMO, Karmic #40 is 100% correct and you can NEVER go wrong by following that guideline of letting him pursue you (whether he is as an alpha, beta or whatever–not big into those ‘labels’).

  13. 43
    AS

    Evan, you hit the nail on the head when you refer to the blind spot! I know of women that do this (ignore emails.calls, texts etc), yet they get all critical and upset when they get a doze of their own medicine, perhaps the lesson here is treat someone, how you wish to be treated yourself!

  14. 44
    Karmic Equation

    @Lucy

    You might benefit from this particular blog post (this is for teens, but still beneficial, and then make sure you read his post for 20′s dating. In fact, read all his posts, I have).

    You’re young, so just date for fun, don’t worry about having a relationship, but rather dating men to see what you like and don’t like, be picky. Try dating all kinds of men and DON’T GET EXCLUSIVE (“circular dating”) until you’ve dated, say, at least 10 men. To date like this and keep your options open in your head and in your heart, you need to NOT HAVE SEX with any of them. Fool around, but don’t have sex, okay?

    There’s an article I read that speculated that men can decide quickly whether a woman is LTR material or just “for fun” because they date so prolifically and can COMPARE their experiences with different women in real time.

    Serial dating (which is what most women do), while it is the normal expectation of women, is actually NOT to her benefit when it comes to CHOOSING the RIGHT man because she’s not actively comparing the men in real time.

    Some schools of thought maintain that a woman should date and be UN-exclusive until one of the men she’s dating proposes. Not sure how practical this is, but why not give it a try, especially if your current dating strategies are not working out the way you want them to.

    Good luck.

  15. 45
    Jenna

    Karmic – absolutely true that dating a lot sharpens your perception of who you may ultimately be suited for a relationship with. When I was younger, I’d get offended if I went on a halfway decent date (we had a run of the mill conversation) with a man who didn’t call me for another. Now, it makes me laugh to think how annoyed I used to get about it, because I have a much more active social life, many more options, and a much stronger idea of what suits and doesn’t suit me.

    Earlier in the fall, I even tried an experiment for a couple weeks where I went out with a different man nearly every day, sometimes two a day, just to see how it felt. (Mostly from match, a couple from real life.) These were generally 1st and second dates so there was no physical activity, and if I got to a second date with a man I knew I wouldn’t even want to kiss goodnight I insisted on splitting the bill. It was one of the single best things I’ve ever done for my dating life. It taught me how impersonal rejection is (I was doing most of the rejecting), the traits that are important for a man to have vs. those that aren’t, and that I’m a girl who has options instead of needing to feel forlorn about being perpetually single. I had to stop and cut out dating a bit so I could get back to my regularly scheduled life, friends, etc., but it’s a helpful experience for anyone to feel their way through.

  16. 46
    Rochelle

    @Lucy<i>Rochelle – thanks for your response. Your advice makes a lot of sense. I will try and continue with the good tips on this blog. It’s quite difficult because I have other women around me telling me to give guys a chance who I don’t fancy. And some guys tell me that I’m sexist for wanting someone who’ll do the asking out. When I say I prefer to let the guy do that, they think I’m the princess type which is actually far from the truth. I’m easy going and I don’t care too much for money or even looks most of the time. It’s a man’s character that really attracts me. </i>

    I know how you feel.. I have female friends and family who meant well say I was  too “passive, quiet and old school” and that was the reason it wasn’t working.   Yet their relationships happened with them letting the man pursue.  But I took their advice anyway thinking they must know better since they are in relationships/married, yet I am pretty feminine at my core so  it felt awful and unnatural to feel like I was chasing guys. So after awhile I was like “why should I be an exception?”  Truth is my issue was that I was doing things that made me look like I  didn’t value myself, without even realizing it.  The wake up call also made me realize I have something I want to continue working on within myself before I settle down. The big one is my tendency to be too conflict avoidant. Old habits die hard but I am doing my best to take my own advice.

     And yes, men these days will say things like “oh you should ‘woman up’ and ask a man out”  or say it’s sexist to prefer to have a guy ask. Truth is these men are just confused.  They think they love it when a woman will ask them out.  Then it happens and they realize they just feel flattered but chances of him seeing her as “the one” are slim, unless it’s a very feminine energy guy.  They might not even know why they feel the woman who pursued isn’t the one but that is likely the reason.
    <i>I’m still a bit young (I’m 23) and this blog has single-handedly stopped me in my tracks with how I was dating. I get less casual attention from men now because I don’t act like I want it all the time. And as you mentioned in your last paragraph, I would definitely never play games.  </i>

    Well you seem to have your priorities strait (e.g. looking at character vs wealth and money) it’s good you’re learning about what is effective now in your early 20s because most of us are confused in our 20s. :-) And cool, I admit I have played games as an experiment of trial and error, to see with my own eyes what  is effective and what isn’t…And playing games definitely doesn’t work.  It’s manipulative and may get a guy to do one small thing you’re after but in the big picture it works against you. it’s best to just be open, confident, vulnerable and authentic. Might be scarier but it’s the best thing to do. 

  17. 47
    Anita

    The way to stay sane is to remember that as a man, he is an idiot. If he does not call within a reasonable time frame, idiocy confirmed. If he does call within a reasonable time frame, just keep waiting for confirmation. Eventually you will get it.

  18. 48
    henriette

    @Anita47: are you trying to be funny?  Because, honestly, I’m offended.  I have men in my life – including brothers, a dad, cherished friends – who I love dearly and who are certainly not idiots.   Maybe you’ve had some hurtful experiences but it is not right to paint all men with the same brush.

    How would you feel if a guy made blanket statements about people of our sex?  “As a woman, she is a whore” or “Women are fools.”    I certainly wouldn’t appreciate it.

    As humans, we are all flawed but horrible stereotypes such as yours help no one, least of all yourself.  Please have some compassion for both men and women and how difficult dating can be for everyone.   If you truly think that there are lessons that most men need to learn, perhaps you could share some of your insights here, rather than practicing “hate speech.”

     

  19. 49
    morgan

    Hon, you just have to let go. 

    There is a myriad of reasons he’s not going to call you again and most of them will have nothing to do with you being who you are. 

    I totally understand how disappointing it is to meet someone, feel that click, hope that this could be ‘the one’ then nada, but…

    You have NO IDEA what’s going on in his life and there’s no point wasting your valuable energy wondering.

    Trust that you are just fine and shift your focus onto finding a bloke who leaves you in no doubt that you are ‘the business’ for him.

    I’m not just spouting Evan philosophy, I adopted it and lived it and it worked.

    Good luck

  20. 50
    hespeler

    jenna 45,

    I don’t understand why you would need to date so many men in such a short period of time just because, “you could.”  This seems to speak to the feminine requirement for validation and attention and it doesn’t do the men on the other end any favors.

    Why do you need to prove to yourself that you have options?  If you’re online dating and you are regularly in a conversation with someone and get winked at here and there, get a number and a date here and there, well then you have options.  You don’t need to go on a physical date with someone just to prove that the option exists.  Also, most people have options online at least for an intial phone call or date; this in and of itself means nothing as has been proven on this blog time and again.

    I’ve come across a few women who have indicated that online dating is mainly an ego-boost for them.  I find it maddening because those women are never really looking to connect with anyone.

    I’m not trying to be confrontational, I just am trying to better understand the logic behind dating just for the sake of dating.

    I’ll admit I’m being somewhat hypocritical here because I’ve gone through periods of marathon dates before but it wasn’t to prove that I had options, it was because the girl interested me enough to warrant an in-person meeting.  If that was your logic too then I apologize and understand where you’re coming from.

  21. 51
    Daphne

    I have gone on 40 first dates in the past two years on Match. This has turned into only two second dates, one third date, and one guy I’ve had an ongoing sexual relationship with for three to five months at a time (total of two years). The funny thing is that both of us quit Match out of sheer frustration with too many nowhere dates during one of our months-long periods of not seeing each other.
    I’m concluding that especially for people who are over 45 and have kids and lots of baggage, finding the feeling of caring and familiarity with someone is extremely difficult indeed.

  22. 52
    Denise

    Daphne, that’s kindof sad.  I’ve gone on a lot of dates and have some short term relationships in there as well.  I don’t look at any of it as a failure, and looked at each experience as a learning experience.

    This feeling of caring and familiarity you refer to is something that comes by spending time with someone, it’s not automatic.  I think people our age think that on the first date, you just know he’s/she’s ‘the one’, and that’s not how it works at all.  Too many people don’t get that it’s a process and on line dating provides this false perception there’s someone better out there so why ‘settle’ with not feeling instant attraction.  I don’t know how many of those men you said no to a second date with, but I bet there were some that were discarded and could have potentially been a great partner.  Maybe that’s something to look at in yourself?  Also, MEET MEN IN REAL LIFE!  I met my current BF on line, but I met so many men off line, and frankly, it was more fun and romantic and exciting when he was showing interest in person, real time.

  23. 53
    Ruby

    Daphne
     
    “…and one guy I’ve had an ongoing sexual relationship with for three to five months at a time (total of two years).”
     
    Oh yes, the on-again-off-again FWB. He leaves you, and just when you think you’re over him, he pops back into your life. The guy that so many women end up pretending they don’t want more from, went in reality, they do. Could it be that your FWB is holding you back from being open to other men?

  24. 54
    Lucy

    @Karmic – Thanks for the link. I read it and it’s given me a few insights (I love that blog). The biggest issue I’m experiencing now is that most men my age aren’t on track with what I’ve learnt from sites like this. I feel like I’m more mature than they are. The men I meet always trying to accelerate things quickly without actually paying attention to how I’m reacting to it. I read the posts here and I think “Well that doesn’t describe men my age. It only describes older guys” but maybe it will become more relevant for me later. 

    @Rochelle – Thanks for the insights. I’m definitely more of a feminine person and I don’t feel like myself if I chase men and I won’t do that now, though I felt the pressure to do that before. I often get approached by men who are feminine even though I’m attracted to masculine energy. I think the feminine energy guys like me because I’m feminine and more reserved and they think “Hey I’m like that. We must be a good match” but I find it impossible to find these guys attractive. I always focus on men who are more outgoing/extroverted than me. I think you’re right about being open and vulnerable. I will try to do that. Oh and I’m avoidant too, like you mentioned – I have a habit of avoiding the most important item on my to-do-list because knowing I have to do it freaks me out. 

  25. 55
    Daphne

    @Ruby, I have taken seriously the idea that my ongoing FWB is holding me back from meeting other guys. The problem is that my dating w other guys has not resulted in meeting and dating IRL anyone who strongly expresses interest in me. When I have been looking and not comparing other guys to him, I’m still in a demographic where- I believe- a huge number of men don’t want an LTR. They especially don’t want an LTR that could result in teenaged stepchildren. I also don’t think I have any other major dealbreakers that I’m in denial about.
    The exception is men a whole 13 to 15 years older than me. That is too old- and I have actually tried this, it’s not just my answer based on my prejudices. I don’t have chemistry w anyone that much older.
    As Evan has observed, men in their 50s often want younger women- even when the guys themselves are five years older than me !
    I’m starting a new job at a giant company in January and will meet lots of people, most of them neither a boss nor an immediate coworker, so there will be romantic opportunities.

  26. 56
    JB

    @ Hespeler #50 “Also, most people have options online at least for an intial phone call or date”

    Sorry but “most people” (men) don’t have the same options online. A very large percentage of men have very few to almost NO options. They never even get a response let alone an initial phone call or the “holy grail” of a date. Most (but not all)women (like Jenna) on the other hand can literally go on a “meet & greet” every night of the week. This is online dating reality there’s nothing remotely “equal” about it. I just thank god every day that I’m in the category of actually meeting women online because I’ve paid my dues, learned, and have the skill set to do it.
    Sadly many men don’t.

  27. 57
    Daphne

    @JB, Your response indicates that you have thought through online dating empathetically and very carefully. However, one reason many men don’t get responses is that they
    1) are approaching women who are more than 10 years younger than they are
    2) have already said they don’t want a woman w kids, then approach such women anyway
    3) ignore stated geographic distance restrictions (no, I can’t drive 90 minutes to see you !)
    4) are not reading women’s profiles, which may contain important information.
    Very irritating. Evan’s certainly right to say that we need to laugh this off and keep going, but many men are essentially sending spam.
     

  28. 58
    Sabrina

    It stings when a guy initially shows interest in you (first 3-4 dates) and then obviously loses it.  Too often, I take it personally, a “failure” if I couldn’t sustain a guy’s interest in me.  But Evan’s sage advice reminds me to keep looking for the guy who actually WANTS to be with me, rather than pining over the one who dropped off the face of the earth.  Sigh :)

  29. 59
    JB

    @Sabrina #58 “keep looking for the guy who actually WANTS to be with me”. Most women don’t want MOST of those guys. Those are the ones that don’t responses online or second dates. The ones that Evan wants you all to take a second look at that might be good relationship material because they’re not “hot” with tons of options.

    @Daphne #57 That wasn’t 1 reason that was 4 which I agree with you on btw, but you left out the most important one. They’re physically unattractive and have a horrible profile. That’s a bad combo. I look at men’s profiles everyday in my area to see the competition and I just laugh at the cluelessness. I know why MOST men don’t get responses….LOL

  30. 60
    Shari

    It could very well be that the guy got busy with something-3 days is not really that long, so he might still very well call. But definitely nothing to obsess about. Even if he doesn’t, and you were always staying yourself on these dates-it’s no reflection on you, it didn’t pan out for some reason. All you can do is tell yourself “Oh well, such is life” and keep going forward. The more people you expose yourself to, the better your chances of finding the one guy who will stick around for good.
    That being said-it is so irritating when guys call you,text you, email you, etc. you go on dates, more phone calls, and so on and so on- and then poof-the disappearing act.  I can even understand a guy not calling again after a first date, but really, after investing the time to get to know someone for a few or more dates,(and you investing your own time in getting to know the guy) it’s just inconsiderate to leave you hanging like that, and not give some type of closure(in a nice, gentle way, of course). 
    Just my thoughts.

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