How Do You Combat “Why Bother” Syndrome After a Bunch of Frustrating Dates?

As a dating coach, I serve many roles. Friend. Confidante. Big brother. Teacher. Taskmaster. Cheerleader. Roll those all into one and you have me – a guy who spends 4 hours a day on the phone as a sponge for the frustrations, pain and negativity felt by my private clients. It’s no different than being a shrink perhaps, but one of my clients, who IS a shrink, thinks I’ve got the tougher job.

Because while a psychologist can keep on asking questions: “How does that make you feel?”, “What do YOU think that means?”, my clients turn to me for ANSWERS. They want results. They’re not concerned with conquering their inner demons as much as getting clarity on when love will come their way.

How do you keep on going when you’re successful at everything else in life, yet every romantic partner you touch turns to crap?

Today, I spoke with a special client. I won’t out her, but she knows who she is. Like most of my clients, she’s got everything going for her – bright, successful, interesting, relationship-oriented. How she’s unique is that she’s 33 (which is young for my clients) and she’s undeniably cute (which isn’t rare, but makes it far easier for her to attract men). Working with her has been a pure joy for me, as I am witness to her spectacular growth on a week-by-week basis. We’ve been talking for 11 weeks now, and I am astounded at how far she’s come. Yet tonight, all she could tell me was how sad she was. Three bad dates in the past week. No promising leads on the horizon. Negative thoughts creeping into her head. Why bother with dating at all? Great question. One I’ve tackled relatively recently. But still, it persists.

How do you keep on going when you’re successful at everything else in life, yet every romantic partner you touch turns to crap? We spent an hour talking about this today, and I was thrilled to say that my client felt a thousand times better after the call than she did when we started the call. For her, metaphors, logic, and analogies are a big key to giving her a healthier perspective. Thank god, because that’s what I do best. :) Anyway, I pointed out to her that, because she’s a catch, 90% of the guys she meets are going to fall short of her standards. Which means, logically, that she might have to go on 9 mediocre dates until she finds one guy she’s excited about. If she didn’t have such high standards, she might be satisfied by the cute, boring guys she just passed up. But since she does have high standards, only 10% of men will be eligible. That’s nothing to get angry at. It just means that due to her smaller dating pool, it will take her more time than it takes other women.

If we extrapolate further, of the 10% of the guys she’s open to, half of them will not be into her, and half of them will be into her. That’s dating for you. So now we’ve established that 1 out of 20 guys is boyfriend-eligible. Suddenly, as frustrating as it seems, my client has a paradigm – a framework of what to expect out of dating. Her problem was that her expectations are unrealistic. She lives and dies with each new guy from Match.com. Last week she had 7 guys in her inbox and was high as a kite. This week, she’s cycled through them and is down in the dumps. Yet, we know that this is how online dating works. Men come, men go. Most will be disappointing. Some will get your hopes up. A few will show consistency and want to be exclusive with you.

So if you’re going to date online and think that you’re going to find true love in your first 30 day trial, think again.

So if you’re going to date online and think that you’re going to find true love in your first 30 day trial, think again. Unless you’ve gone out with 19 guys, you haven’t even gotten warmed up yet! Besides: how many times in your life have you been in love? Two? Three? Then maybe you should stop freaking out that it didn’t happen after six months in 2009. The rarity of love is what makes it special. The possibility of love is what keeps us going. And coming to the conclusion after a bunch of frustrating dates that you should give up entirely is simply false. My darkest month of dating was November, 2006. I met my wife in January, 2007. You never, ever, ever know what’s in store for you.

Your dream partner may be going through a divorce right now. He may have just signed onto eHarmony for the first time. He may be focused on his work and will be ready to date by early next year. You have no idea. Which is why I’ve got no time for “Why Bother?” syndrome. You bother because the only way to find love is to go on dates with strangers. Stop doing that and it’s pretty hard to find love. For my client, her big takeaway was that she needs to stop measuring results the way she measures results at school or work. Ultimately, she wants a husband and family, but that’s a process that she just started undertaking 11 weeks ago. Yet since we began working together, she has rebranded herself online, gotten a tremendous amount of attention, fell for a really amazing guy…who turned out to have some really serious issues, figured out how to play it cool with men, how to let them choose her, how to assess the difference between wants and needs, how to flirt successfully, how to weed out the players from the keepers, how to be a great first date, how to bounce back from rejection, and how to persevere when the going gets tough.

So she can focus on how some guy flaked out on her at the last minute, or she can focus on how well-prepared she is going to be to let love into her life. Which do YOU think is a healthier way of looking at things? Success can be measured in a million ways. You can get a 4.0 at a school but get a crappy education. Or you can get a 3.0 and challenge yourself and stretch and grow. What’s success to you? All I know is that even though my client was on the verge of tears when we spoke today, she is on a path to success. And I’d bet my bottom dollar that she finds an amazing man who appreciates all of her gifts sooner rather than later. That’s why she bothers.

Click here to learn the 5 Massive Mistakes You’re Making In Your Love Life – And How to Turn Them Around Instantly!

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Comments:

  1. 61
    Londongirl

    Just what I needed to read today…I’m a 34 year old bright, intelligent woman who gets buckets of attention, but yet have not met the right man. I’ve often felt like giving up on dating. I had what I thought was a great date last weekend, but have not heard from him since! I’ve been feeling pretty dejected, but take comfort from the fact that I refused to sleep with him (god knows he tried) and actually probably had a lucky escape. I know deep down its worth waiting for a man who appreciates me and I’m glad I kept my self-respect. I’ve learnt a lot from Evan and am slowly getting there. So while I still feel a bit crappy today, I’m going to keep smiling and keep going :)

  2. 62
    Mao

    Hi Evan – I am so there right now. I’m 41 and totally discouraged about dating.  I seem to meet “nice guys” who always have something wrong with them. Its like I attract them like flies!  In the past two years :
    I dated a guy who (unknown to me) was also dating another girl. We were going out every week and talked about everything – but she was meeting his family – spending weekends with him. UGH! Then he tells me I didn’t “measure up” and “confesses” about her. Pissed at me being upset because in his view – he was being “honest”. He goes “She knew about you and she didn’t mind!” Say what?!
    I dated another guy who was a high school sweetheart…turns out he was a very married drug addict and went into rehab. Everything he told me was a lie. I never understood – why lie? Scary!
    Next guy seemed cool – he doesn’t make a lot of money but that’s not important to me – he works as a janitor at a local hospital – been there for 20 years. The problem – he’s 43 and acts like an 15 year old. By this I mean : not going to work on the Monday cause he slept all weekend and didn’t do his laundry for the past three weeks so he didn’t have any clean socks or underwear. He lives like a pig (food containers all over his condo – his coffee table was layered in dried ketchup and other unidentified condiments! Very selfish, self-centered and inconsiderate of others. He has this maniacal laugh that just freaks me out (ie – he called me one night and after asking me a question – starts laughing hysterically. I ask him what’s wrong – he was listening to TV and not me! So why call me?)
    So as you can see – completely discouraged! UGH!

  3. 63
    M

    I’m trying to figure out the opening. This woman has such “high standards” that 9 out of 10 men don’t measure up? Now is it that they have different core values, or political or religious differences that are unbridgeable? Or is it what I think, that they’re just not good enough for her? And then it says it will take her more time to find Mr. Wonderful “than it takes other women” who presumably don’t have as high of standards.

    If a woman told me before a date that only 1 in 10 men meet her “high standards” I would tell her on the spot that guess what, you don’t meet mine and this date is cancelled before it starts.

    We men are entirely too eager to please some of these women. No matter how inflated their opinion of themselves is, they are ordinary humans just like us and no better or worse than us. Our interests on a date matter as much as theirs.  

  4. 64
    Fiona

    i’m a british lawyer at 36 about to turn 37. My last boyfriend that i was deeply in love with left me when i turned 35 leaving me alone and childless. i have tried eharmony, match affinity etc but so many men are just looking for something better. i wasted two weeks on long email exchanges to a 40 year old male lawyer who asked me on a date then twice changed the time and then cancelled saying he had decided to date someone else instead not having met me. tonight a 38 year old male friend confided that he only dates women in their 20s. i feel i have spent my entire life looking for a husband and family and finding only pain. i just can’t keep going like a machine and am now inclined to give up on love altogether and focus only on career and money. just how much do we have to take before it really is time to quit? when are we on the shelf? i think i am.

  5. 65
    M

    Fiona, I’m 51 and have only had one girlfriend ever, and that was more than 25 years ago. Who on earth knows why some of us have life so much more difficult than others, or why we are here in the first place? The perspective I try to give myself each day is that I have my physical health by and large, I have a roof over my head and food in the kitchen, and I have a brother, nephews and a handful of friends who love me. I do better sometimes if I resist overthinking my many shortcomings and failures.

  6. 66
    Karl R

    M said: (#65)
    “I’m 51 and have only had one girlfriend ever, and that was more than 25 years ago. Who on earth knows why some of us have life so much more difficult than others,”

    If you haven’t had a girlfriend in the last 25 years, then you are the cause of the problem.

    One of my uncles is about 80. For most of the past 25 years he has been in steady, long-term relationships (with two different women). When it comes to attracting a woman, he has far more strikes against him than you do.

    My uncle is bipolar, an amputee and a hoarder. He’s obese and physically unattractive. He has an abrasive personality and abyssmal table manners. Can you honestly claim that he’s in a better position than you?

    In another post you stated that you have severe depression. Are you getting any treatment for it? While depression might not be the only thing that’s hampering you, I think it could be the primary reason you’ve been so unsuccessful.

    Depression saps your initiative. (When my depression kicks up, that’s usually the first symptom I recognize.) As a man, initiative is absolutely essential to dating success. If you wait for women to take the initiative in dating, you could be waiting for years between opportunities.

    Depressed people have a tendency to be self-absorbed. Your posts have given me the impression that you may share this trait. Relationships require you to connect with other people. Self-absorption interferes with that.

    As I mentioned previously, depressed people aren’t much fun. They generally don’t want to go out and do things. They spend large amounts of time going on-and-on about their own troubles (which gets boring after a while).

    And depression lends itself to a defeatist attitude. Dating requires perseverence. Depression makes it easier to just give up.

    M said: (#65)
    “I do better sometimes if I resist overthinking my many shortcomings and failures.”

    I think you’d do a lot better all of the time if you addressed your depression, which seems to be the root cause of the problem.

  7. 67
    Zaq

    @Fiona @64

    I have spent a great deal of time researching this.
    Why as a man am I more attractive to women than I was decades ago ?

    I have come to the conclusion that it is just due to the VALUE system applied by the genders. The EQUITY theory of love.
    What are we bringing to the table ?

    For a woman her value lies in her fertility.
    For a man his value lies in his wealth and confidence.

    You are not on the shelf, BUT you must recognize if you haven’t already, that a professional male friend has value when a professional female does not.

    You have plenty of choice in men over 50 and beta males closer to your age.
     

    1. 67.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Hey Zaq,

      Women who are over 45 are still perfectly “valuable” to men who don’t want kids. Please don’t suggest otherwise. Men and women both value confidence above ANYTHING.

      Evan

  8. 68
    M

    Karl I think you are trying to be helpful and that is a good thing.

    I take antidepressants every day and I am better off for it. The gain I receive is being significantly less depressed than I would be (and have been) without them. They certainly don’t kick me over into the happy category. While I have wearied of seeing a psychotherapist because I didn’t feel much benefit from it, I am going to take part in a self esteem support group starting next week. I have always had zero self esteem and detested myself.

    Also, I have been a hoarder from my earliest memories and it is absolutely a habit that has had a tremendously negative effect on my life.  

    If you think that I don’t realize I have many shortcomings, that is not accurate.

    However, I am not the only guy in the world who thinks that relationship wise, women are often a pain in the rear. They are able to be because they know how badly we want to be with them.     
       
      

  9. 69
    Fiona

    Gosh Zaq- I am not sure how old you are but I certainly wouldn’t want to date anyone at any age who thinks professional women have no value. We do and not only in the workplace. Frankly the money comes in handy when you want a decent house and lifestyle and us lawyers are great at solving all sorts of life problems…and no I do not think at turning 37 I should be dating men in their 50s (although I would date men up to mid 40s). 

    My ex was 8 years younger (big mistake) but I have also been asked on dates this year (in real life out of the cyberworld) by attractive men in their early 30s so I am no troll either.

    I am however just tired of the dating game right now – people who set up dates and cancel at the last minute, men who mess me around by being dishonest. It is just very disheartening at this age because I know the pool of suitable men is smaller than the women but I guess I am just going to have to hope for the best and get back out there much as the thought of corresponding with some of these men online sends a shudder down my spine!

  10. 70
    Karl R

    Fiona said: (#40)
    “It is just very disheartening at this age because I know the pool of suitable men is smaller than the women”

    How do you figure that?

    I just looked at the U.S. Census data for 2010. The total number of unmarried men, ages 35-39, is about 3.5 million. The total number of unmarried women, ages 35-39, is about 3.4 million. Unmarried men outnumber unmarried women in your age range.

    For comparison, the total number of unmarried men, ages 40-44, is about 3.5 million. So even if we assume that women are (on average) marrying a men who are a little older, men still outnumber women.

    I realize that you spoke specifically about suitable men (and women), not total men (and women). How are you defining a suitable man (as compared to a suitable woman)?

  11. 71
    Saint Stephen

    @Karl R (#71) To fiona’s credit, she did use the word suitable. I believe that in terms of suitability other factors will be taking into consideration when assessing men in her chosen demography as being suitable. E.g of such factors are, Looks, height, educational level, job and income level, shared values, confidence and social status and “the desire to get married”. Karl, the desire for marriage is a potential factor which could explain the disparity in unmarried men and women and also makes the stats you cite up less relevant in her case. If more women are willing to get married – then the availability of men outnumbering the women wouldn’t stack the odds in her favor either. My point here is; the men who meets all her requirement might be less interested in getting married: maybe at least to her. On a final note: Fiona indicated she’s British, not American. That in itself certainly renders the statistics being used invalid at best.  

  12. 72
    Fiona

    I live in the UK so this is irrelevant. In my generation educated women outnumber educated men. I suppose that you will now say who cares about education? Well I do because every semi-intelligent British man with any ambition in life has one because it was free back then!

  13. 73
    Zaq

    @Fiona

    Sorry for being blunt.

    Again Saint Stephen makes the valid points. “Suitable” equals higher value in the eyes of other women.

    The point is made over and over again. If the men who are in demand are the minority, and most of those are married, then there is indeed a disparity.

    Higher value men will seek out higher value women, and it is YOUTH that men value. Doesn’t matter if you are looking for an equal in social status, he may not be. Younger men do not mind sex with an older women, but probably not commitment.

    Therefore start considering men outside of your current target range. Your friend has already told you he dates women in their 20s.
    Things stay on the shelf only when the ready market for that good is not being allowed to make a reasonable offer.

  14. 74
    Fiona

    @ Zaq, you make an interesting point about ages but:
    - my Mum is 3 years older than my Dad and they are still married 40 years on
    - My Gran was 5 years older than my Granddad and they stayed married for 60 years – he was devastated when she died
    - My Great-grandmother spent the last 10 years of her life with a man 20 years her junior

    so some evidence that (a) I come from a great gene pool, and (b) younger men sometimes really do like older women and not only for sex! Hey, you should try it sometime because looks fade and then you are left with the person inside. That hot 26 year old may not still be hot at 36…and certainly not at 86. However, I won’t try to convince you because you want what you want as does my friend, Rob and he doesn’t seem to be close to finding anyone soon because he won’t compromise either.

    I however am compromising. I am looking at an age range of up to 45, I am not being fussy about height and average looks will do. I don’t agree that I need to go higher than that as most of the men that contact me online are between 33 – 43 anyway and most of the men in the real world between 27-32 (mainly because they think I am in my early 30s). I know that realistically 32 is the lower age limit that might want to settle down so I don’t go lower than that anyway. I am not going to compromise on absolutely everything though.

    If I am still single, it is partly because I made some really bad dating decisions when I was younger and I was silly enough to spend 7 years living in Switzerland (which is notoriously bad for meeting people). I am however back in the UK now and I may be paying the price for my folly by having lots of bad dating experiences which leave me feeling fed up and lonely but I am going to carry on and wait until I find someone in my target market that likes me and likes me back.

     

  15. 75
    Elizabeth

    I recently had a friend tell me, “when you least expect it, you will find the perfect man”…or better yet “he will find you–when you are not looking”. Guess what. I have stopped looking at one point for a good 2-4 years–and I was single. “Prince Charming” didn’t come knocking on my apt. door, looking for me. There was a point in my life, where I never though about dating, or looked to be with someone–and guess what? It didn’t happen when I wasn’t looking either. Such horseshit. Why do people believe this nonsense, that love will present itself when you least expect it? I suppose the love of my life will come find me at the gym or at my yoga class, which is primarily what I do. don’t care for bars at all.

    For Fiona@75: I am also very open to dating men older than me, even though I get approached by younger men (in their 30′s)…I actually WANT to meet a man my age or a bit older, who are into fitness and the outdoors. But Those men are looking for women in their 30′s it seems. So what am I left with dating – men in their 50′s and 60′s? Who barely have any energy…can barely play a game of tennis or go running? Not looking for super successful men either. Just a hard working guy who is not pretentious or self-centered or too impressed with his title and his possessions. Someone beautiful on the “inside” preferably over surface looks. Still seems like I am trying to win the lotto here.

  16. 76
    Peter

    @Fiona 73.  In the UK (and Europe in general) single men outnumber single women up to the early 50′s.  Your troubles are nothing compared to the typical 18 year old boys. (about 0.2 of a girl who wants each boy in the UK).

    @Fiona 70.  Educated women seem to outnumber educated men because degrees are awarded for subjects that used to be Diplomas or Certificates in which women usually (nursing, school teaching) but not always (polytechnic engineers) predominated.  You work in law, now a majority female profession at the intake level.  You don’t see the engineers and the industrial chemists and the geologists and the army officers and the construction bosses.  Despite 40 years of deindustrialisation these people still exist in large numbers in the UK, although not perhaps in London.  Maybe you see a few accountants.  There are plenty of educated men out there.  They need to be hunted down.

    They are not all playing World of Warcraft.  Try car rallies, adventure sports, photography clubs.  Men who play rugby (OK, not many after 45), soccer and cricket usually don’t have large commitments of family time.  They are likely to be single more often than average.  Rowing is quite mixed as a sport and more social than the gym.

  17. 77
    Nordic

    i am 42 and have not experienced any problems with dating women around 35, well i didnt try for a a couple years now. i am not sure if this is a problem that most men that age have.

    i have just spent six years in switzerland myself, and here its mostly ex pats that i have been dating, and what i have learned is that cultural differences play a huge role.

    are you still here fiona? do you find london easier to date in than switzerland?     

      

  18. 78
    Fiona

    I am not sure if Evan will allow me to post here as I foolishly wrote something that crossed the line in another blog post but if he does I would like to say thanks Peter and Elizabeth I empathise.

    Nordic, I am in Bristol but I will probaby return to Switzerland in the autumn as at 37 I am finally giving up on dating after 19 years of being left by every man I ever cared for – my mind and body really cannot take any more – most recently I have been left yesterday by someone after 3 months who was not at all my type and following all Evan’s good advice but he left anyway. Always the same story about how I am out of their league,  pretty, intelligent, funny and kind hearted but I am not for them or how my being driven and the stress that goes with it is not what they want.

    I find the expat life rather superficial in Switzerland as everyone always seems to be sleeping with everyone else which doesn’t fit in with my ethos so will be avoiding that scene but I do hope to find a quiet contentment in life in the mountains and the lakes and hopefully find a bit of inner peace to see me through. I had hoped the dating scene in the UK would be better due to less cultural issues but it hasn’t worked out. The issue I think is me being sensitive and a bit of an old fashioned romantic (I only ever really wanted to meet one guy and stick with him for life) and each encounter has left me feeling tainted and each new heartache has piled on top of the one before. I think this might be what being emotionally bankrupt feels like.

  19. 79
    Fiona

    I had an epiphany on this issue today while watching Andy Murray win Olympic gold in the tennis. One month ago he lost Wimbledon (after losing all of the 3 other majors he reached the final in). He was inconsolable and no doubt questioning whether it was all worth it after yet another case of coming so close and losing. Fast forward one month and he is standing on the Olympic podium with a gold medal hanging around his neck. Thank goodness he kept going. It did make me think how quickly things can turn around and how many of us are maybe just a few dates away from success. Got to be a lot easier than winning the Olympics.

  20. 80
    Julie

    Elizabeth – could have written what you wrote.  Have been single 5 years now.  Been told “it’ll happen when you’re not expecting it” – what a load of crock.  Had one or two coffee dates which led to nothing – one guy got very huffy when I didn’t email him straight back (I was busy at work) and said it wasn’t going anywhere.  
    I find men my age (45) want younger women, the ones who’ve never been married suddenly decide they want kids (I’ve been there done that, bought the t-shirt), then there’s the ‘separated’ which worries me…
    I don’t mind older men – but find that in many cases they’ve let themselves go very badly.  I’m 45, slim, go to the gym, fairly attractive – been told I look 35… I’m not looking for George Clooney or even a 7, 8, 9 or 10 but someone who can at least walk the dog with me without keeling over!
    I’m not fussy either.  A friend had over 30 dates on internet dating sites before she found someone.  I cannot believe out of those 30 men there wasn’t one before this that she couldn’t date… who knows?  
    I’m currently trying again after a ‘rest’ of 6 months… this will be my last go and then I will do as my friends say “he’ll come along when I’m not looking”… yeah.
     

  21. 81
    Sparkling Emerald

    Good article, and even tho’ I stink at math, the numbers thing puts it in proportion and I don’t feel so bad that I haven’t found anyone yet.  However, I am taking a break now.  Partly ‘cuz of a string of go no where dates, (or e-mail exchanges) and partly because I don’t like to go onto a first date within a short time frame of Valentine’s Day or Christmas/New Year’s.  I know that sounds weird, but I don’t want be in the limbo portion of a relationship when a major “sweethearts” holiday is just around the corner.  

  22. 82
    Pippa

    Evan, I am puzzled at the way you promote online dating. It’s one way to meet men but only one. What about meeting men in real life? The problems with online dating are clear. Men feel they can be abrupt and rude, dismissive and impolite because you are anonymous and they never have to see you again. In real life the men you meet feel more genuine attraction and often are aware that you have friends in common or that you will pass each other again and this means they take more care to be polite.
    I tried the online dating scene and have now been out with more than 150 men. Almost all were surprised someone as attractive as me would be online. A few were just rude and said in a few ways, sometimes unpleasant, “you are unattractive to me”. Almost all wanted sex without commitment. A couple were absolute gems but not right for me, though we remain great friends. I, as you say, refuse to change them in any way. They are “as is” items. But, online dating can leave you defensive and bitter when the umpteenth guy says “how long will it be before you’ll have sex with me” knowing full well he’ll never all you back if you say yes. So, I took a break and now meet real men who are a much better crowd. So, why do you recommend it so strongly?
     

  23. 83
    David T

    @Sparkling82
    I am taking a break . . because I don’t like to go onto a first date within a short time frame of Valentine’s Day or Christmas/New Year’s. . . I don’t want be in the limbo portion of a relationship when a major “sweethearts” holiday is just around the corner. 
    The limbo time of a new relationship does make V-day day tricky to navigate, but it is doable with a little bit of honesty, humor and creativity.
    I was in this situation in 2012, so I came up with a little note on a valentines themed background and gave her a very modest flower gift (don’t recall exactly, probably 3-6 roses). I had been on only 2-3 dates with this woman, and while we both were clearly interested in the other, it was soon and she was having a rocky time with but still seeing a man that she had met a couple of months earlier and I was still using my profile.

    What a dilemma I have, knowing you only a bit yet …
     
    It is too soon to write you a romantic poem and talk about my unDYING love, endless devotion,  etc. etc. etc. etc.   You would run for the hills, and understandably so.

    BUT , you attract me more than anyone else I have dated during my adventures on OKC since I went live and I want you to know that.
    So, this V-day I am telling my sore throated, awfully smart, fun and fun to kiss, attractive friend  :)   that she is on my mind.
    I do hope you feel well soon and we get to spend some time together.
     
    (Now next year, you can expect somethin’ a bit more special. :-)  )

     
    A  week or so later she went back to the other man (YAY! I WAS OFF THE HOOK FOR NEXT V-DAY!! ;) ), but she made it clear that she really enjoyed our short time together and my dating style made her feel wanted. The point is, you can interact healthily and comfortably and even have FUN with V-day in a new relationship if you are up front about where you are coming from.

  24. 84
    Jadeite

    David T – #84
    I think your V-Day gift was appropriate, nearly to perfect for the occasion.
    Pippa – #83
    I agree that online dating can leave you defensive.  I’ve never had a guy actually say he found me unattractive.  But I always know they’re not that interested if they try to sleep with me right away.  The most important thing is, over the past two years, I’ve learned a lot about me and grown from my dating mistakes – which at the beginning was mostly about meeting people before I’d qualified them.  And I recently took a 3 month hiatus from dating, hiding all my profiles.  I put one back up just a few days ago and have started talking to a few interesting guys, and also more than a few who are trying to recycle themselves (which is a no go).  The important thing to learn about internet dating is all about TIME.  Give some time, but not too much, to communicate between the first contact and actual meeting, and not become emotionally invested during that time.  Use it to learn more about the person and get a feel.  If there’s any red flags that aren’t overcome (it does happen sometimes) during conversation only time, I take a pass and it has considerably lessened the first date sex requests.  Quality not quantity is key.
    On the other side of “let’s have sex right away”, are two other recent online dating anomalies:  1) the “crazy about you and let’s be exclusive” somewhere between the first conversation and end of the first date.  This was happening a lot before the recent hiatus and I just can’t figure it out.  Makes no logical sense to me, and this time around I’m gonna weed these guys out too.  This behavior makes me run for the hills (and I suspect would also make most men run for the hills when women do it).
    And the #2, guys who say “you’re perfect on paper, can’t wait to meet” but then they cancel every date they set.  Have had this happen a few times over the last few years but moreso in the last round of dating. Had a guy do that a while back – canceled two first dates because of his “busy schedule”.  I finally said, Dude, I hear what you’re saying, but I hear your actions louder.  You’re just too busy to date me and I can already tell you I would be unhappy if I actually met and started dating you and you did this, so I’m gonna pass.  He wasn’t happy about that decision and got snippy.  But at 44, I know myself, and although I am willing to give people time, I don’t have time to waste on what I consider bad behavior.  We all have a schedule, but men are never that busy if they are really dying to meet you.  The key is to KNOW yourself and give a guy enough time to SHOW himself.  And to expect that, if a man is really attracted to you, he will want to sleep with you on the first date — but the ones who are REALLY interested will hold off on suggesting it or making lewd comments, etc. and will ask to see you again. 
    Time is really the key in all things.

  25. 85
    judy

    Zaq 67 – I’m 59. 
    “For a woman her value lies in her fertility.”
    Ok, so I’m past child-bearing age.  So what do I do now? Shoot myself?

  26. 86
    Jaana

    Dear Evan. You just gave me hope. I really needed it .
    Maybe, someday there will be somebody for me, the truth is I do not know the future.  I have been in love TWICE in my life and I am 46. I have separated 3 years ago. Maybe I still need more time to be available to REAL LOVE.
     
     

  27. 87
    Wes

    Just turned 40 and I am a male and black.  I stopped bothering with the dating world about 10 to 12 years ago.  In simple terms, I just lost interest in women altogether.  I have endured enough rejections, criticisms and insults from them for one lifetime.  Enough is enough for me that’s for sure.  All through my late teens, 20s and 30s,  I forged into the dating world with extremely minimal success.  I got tired of hearing all the excuses women have against dating me  so I don’t put myself in those situations anymore. Women have proven to me timelessly how douchey and shallow they are.    The ladies I seem to attract now are in the 40 – 55 range with some in their mid-late 30s.  A lot of these women are divorced or separated with  their own kids of various ages from previous marriages.  I barely scratch 5’6 and  frankly, I find this attention mostly disgusting and insulting considering the fact that I’m nothing more than a checkmark on a bucket list.  Short-Black-Man-Who’s-Potentially-Well-Endowed-Where-It-Counts.   My best guess is that when looks fade over time, these women can’t attract what society considers the top shelf/image boosting guys with the height and good looks.  They are now forced to consider guys they normally would reject with a passion.  Every now and then I will entertain one of them who shows me some interest, just to keep my wits keen.  As for sex?  Over time it’s become less and less important to me.  I’ve learned to suppress any feelings of horniness and sexual frustration through meditation, prayer and a strong desire to be thankful for what I have in life.  I consider myself pretty fortunate.  Besides, there’s not enough minutes in life to worry about how the opposite sex views me as a man.  I go about my business and enjoy life.  If a woman wants a part of it, that’s great, if she doesn’t want to be a part of it, that’s great too!
    BTW, alot of black women won’t even look at another black man unless he’s an NBA forward caliber.  Even guards are too short for many black women.  They are the worst when it comes to deal-breaking a guy because he’s too short.

  28. 88
    Mickey

    Wes:
    I would add only this: when dating success proves itself not only elusive, but NON-EXISTENT…THEN WHAT WAS THE POINT???

    1. 88.1
      Wes

      Mickey:
      LOL, I used to ask myself that same question but I don’t anymore because I have found the answers!  I don’t bother with women and dating now because it’s been an exercise in futility for the most part.  It took quite a few tries, a ton of rejections(some harsh) and a good chunk of wasted years to learn that marriage and relationships with the opposite sex aren’t fit for some guys.  Wish I could have learned this sooner.  I have accepted and embraced this which in turn has brought more happiness to my life.  I think less and less and less about making an impression on a woman and go about my business enjoying life without them.  Furthermore, “CREEP” seems to be every womans favourite word these days to use against a guy who doesn’t measure up.  I’m so sick of hearing it!  The disturbing part is that many are legit guys who don’t have an ounce of creep to them.  They don’t deserve to be labelled as such.  With that being said, I think it’s totally OK and fair to call a woman a “PSYCHO” if she’s going to creep stamp me.  I believe a woman’s got to be a little bit pyscho and crazy in the head if she’s going to use that word incessantly against me when it doesn’t apply.
      Some folks will say I’m missing out on LOVE and I’m being selfish not to consider other women who could be looking for a guy like me.  I’m not suffering from it, nor am I losing any sleep or sweat for any woman.  It’s all well and good too.  Time does heel some wounds but not all of them.  The resulting scars have opened up my eyes to this one eternal truth.  There’s a boatload of women who can never, ever stop being shallow, behaving like hypocrites and holding superficial beliefs against guys who don’t measure up to their standards.  That’s OK because they aren’t doing me any favours and I can’t say that I would do the same for them.  LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the women in my family and some of the ladies I work with though.  That is all.

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