As you know, one of the most fascinating things about dating is how there’s always more than meets the eye. And what we want to happen on a date doesn’t always correspond to what REALLY happens on a date.
So, just for a second, I want you think of the date to whom you were MOST attracted upon your first meeting.
Just seeing him gave you butterflies.
Just thinking about him made you tingle.
And when you weren’t with him, all you could think about was being with him again.
That attraction is an intoxicating feeling. But what happens when you’re that intoxicated by a man?
Well, if you’re like most women, you become a little obsessive. You check your cell phone constantly to see if he called or texted.
The moment you put a man on a pedestal, he’s immediately looking down at you.
You become a little needy. You talk to your friends about HIM and share his emails and all the details of your conversations.
You become a little tongue-tied. You don’t want to say the wrong thing, so you say nothing. Or you say something that’s so dumb that you can’t believe it even came out of your own mouth.
You become a little nervous. You like him so much that you don’t want to mess things up. You’re not as easygoing or charming or relaxed when he’s around.
You become overly excited by him. You let him know that you see a future. You issue compliments and proclamations that are immensely flattering to this new man.
You become a little weak. You’re so impressed with him and so concerned with what he thinks, that you put him up on a pedestal, where you think he belongs.
This is what I call The Pedestal Principle:
“The moment you put a man on a pedestal, he’s immediately looking down at you.”
This is the unfortunate part of what it means to be intoxicated by a man.
Needy. Tongue-tied. Nervous. Overly excited. Weak. These are the words that best describe you when you feel the strongest about a new man in your life.
Not too flattering, are they?
Nor is it surprising when that impressive man, upon seeing that you’re needy, nervous and weak around him, stops calling you. Of course he does. You’re way too serious about him, way too quickly. It scares him off.
But it’s a shame, isn’t it? I mean, wouldn’t it be great if you could just be yourself around him? Yeah, you’re awkward, but you’re just excited! Yeah, you’re needy, but it just means you’re going to be a devoted girlfriend. Yeah, you’re nervous, but you’re just being “real” with him. And isn’t that what you should always be?
You stand a MUCH better chance of getting somewhere with him if you’re your BEST self than if you’re the needy, nervous version of you.
Well, let’s flip things over, shall we?
You meet a man on a first date and he’s smitten with you.
He tells you you’re beautiful. He tells you that you’re fascinating. He tells you that you’re funny. He tells you that he wants to be exclusive with you and doesn’t need to see anybody else. He tells you he sees a future with you.
And he hasn’t even known you for two hours yet!
How do you feel about this man? Most women HATE it when guys act like this. “Like a needy puppy dog,” one of my clients told me. “It’s like he doesn’t even see me for who I am – he’s just projecting his desire to be with someone onto me.”
Yep. That’s exactly how it is when you act too excited around Mr. Sexy. You’re so impressed with him that there’s no challenge, no dance, no flirtation, no equality. It’s just a matter of him saying “when”.
Same thing when a guy throws himself at you. No, it’s not attractive, but he’s just being “himself” and hoping that you give him a chance.
Your takeaway from this blog post should be two-fold:
1) When you find a guy you really like, play it cool. Don’t let him know that you’re so impressed by him. Put the butterflies aside and start acting like you do with your best girlfriends – confident, playful, and self-assured. You stand a MUCH better chance of getting somewhere with him if you’re your BEST self than if you’re the needy, nervous version of you.
2) Try not to judge men for doing the exact same thing that you do on a date. He’s just being real – and he’s really, really, really excited about you. It’s not such a crime.
In fact, it’s far better to have a guy who is excited about you than one who is NOT excited about you! So even though you see it as a sign of weakness when a guy is ga-ga for you, do your best not to hold it against him.
This is one of my favorite dating coaching principles – getting you, as a woman, to flip things over yourself, to better understand men.
It’s easy to judge a guy for being a puppy dog around you – for liking you TOO much. It’s not always easy to see when you’re being the same way.
And if you don’t want men to judge you for being “real,” it’s best for you to give these poor lovesick guys a break as well.