I Don’t Want To Be A Cougar; I Want A Relationship With A Younger Man!

Firstly, thanks for all your advice and wisdom and your massively entertaining style. I’m learning fast but still have a problem… I’m in my late 40’s, separated last year (relief), successful, and have an awesome life. I’m highly attractive, hot even!, fit, fun, feminine and not clingy. I’m a really good catch!! I have no trouble attracting men of all ages. The problem is: I am not attracted to men my own age. I love guys who are around the 30 year old mark. Yes, playing with fire I know!! Unfortunately, it seems, single guys my own age either cannot match my physical energy and sheer enthusiasm for life or they are taken already! Many of them are lonely, often damaged by failed relationships and looking for someone to share a latte with on a Sunday morning for the next 40 years… This is not what I want at this point in my life.

I find younger guys so much more fun and attracting them is easy, both online and off. But it’s difficult finding something deep and long lasting as I know these guys are usually hard wired to find ‘the one’ eventually. And– in most cases–that is not going to be with a woman who is pretty well past childbearing age… Bummer for me!

So do you think it is possible to have a passionate relationship of integrity (by that I mean more than just a romp) when there is a big age difference? I want more than the cougar/toy boy experience. It would be a cliche to write this off as midlife crisis, although I understand you could reach this conclusion. I am an exceptionally vibrant and youthful person for my age and I have a lot of close younger friends, but I really don’t know where to look to find my truly compatible match… Is he actually out there I wonder??

AM

Dear AM,

Thanks for your letter and kind words. I try to be honest first, entertaining second, and nice third, so I’m glad to hear that I’m coming close to my intended goal.

Especially since my reply is not going to be all that nice.

A 30-year-old guy most likely sees you as a story, a fling, a reverse May-December romance that he will look back upon fondly one day when he tells his younger wife the tale of the oldest woman he ever bedded.

The fact is, your letter could have been written by http://www.evanmarckatz.com/coaching/.

No joke.

When I hear on the phone “I’m in my late 40’s. People always think I’m younger because I’m so fit and energetic. I’m just not attracted to men my own age or older,” all I can do is smile and nod, the way you do when your friend asks if she looks fat in her jeans.

Understand: I don’t know you, haven’t seen you, and am not impugning your integrity.

All I’d ask you to do would be to put yourself in my position.

If every single man you met said, “I look great for my age. Women my age just can’t keep up with me. I need to find a woman who is 15-20 years younger who is really on my wavelength,” you would roll your eyes and wonder aloud what kind of delusional pot he was smoking. You’d think, “Dude, get OVER yourself. I mean, yeah, you have your hair and you’re pretty fit, but you don’t look as young as you think. Plus, what could you POSSIBLY have in common with a woman who could virtually be your daughter?”

Or something like that.

So I’m not judging you when you say that you prefer men 15-20 years younger.

I’ll just say to you what I’ve said to men who told me the same thing: who cares?

To your credit, you’ve already identified this flaw in your thinking:

Even if you look as good as you say, most 30-year-old men:

a)     Aren’t ready to settle down because they still have more oats to sow.

b)    Wouldn’t pick a 48-year-old woman when they could choose a 28-year-old who is probably firmer, more fertile, and has more years left on earth than you do.

Sorry. It’s that honesty thing again. But you already knew the 2 points above.

What you’re not seeing, however, is this:

A 30-year-old guy most likely sees you as a story, a fling, a reverse May-December romance that he will look back upon fondly one day when he tells his younger wife the tale of the oldest woman he ever bedded.

The other blind spot you appear to have is the same one that afflicts all of my clients over the age of 40: narcissism and exceptionalism.

If YOU’RE a fit, youthful, vibrant catch, who is an exception to what 48-year-old women should look like and act like, wouldn’t it stand to reason that there’s also a MAN out there who is ALSO a fit, youthful, vibrant, catch who looks young for his age?

To wit: if YOU’RE a fit, youthful, vibrant catch, who is an exception to what 48-year-old women should look like and act like, wouldn’t it stand to reason that there’s also a MAN out there who is ALSO a fit, youthful, vibrant, catch who looks young for his age?

And wouldn’t it be a shame if that man only thought that he should date women born in the 80’s because all women YOUR age are too old, damaged and boring to keep up?

Damn right it would.

So get off your pedestal and look around. If you’re in the Top 5% of women, then you should have no trouble attracting that rare 5% man who is willing to date a woman his own age.

Hold out for a young’un, and guess what, darlin’?

You’re no different than the shallow men we so roundly decry for age discrimination.

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Comments:

  1. 31
    Denise

    @Lucia 26

    That’s probably true in regard to DATING.  However, what happens when they want to settle down and for a lot of people, start to have a family.  More than likely, they are not going to choose the woman is almost 50 to go down that path.

    As I wrote earlier:  For those women that are ‘older’, we have the benefit of wisdom, maturity and have gotten over our sexual/body hangups.   No wonder the young men want us! 

    @Sandra.tampa #27

    I agree Sandra, which is evident in her posts.  She wants to settle down and find Mr. Right, but recognizes that probably won’t be with a man 20 years her junior, although that’s the only men she wants to date.  All of this and she’s not divorced yet.

    Sometimes, we just have to do what we have to do at the point we are in our life.  And learn from it. I would bet that eventually AM will get to the point where she’ll better be able to crystalize what she really wants from a relationship and from life.

  2. 32
    BeenThruTheWars

    @Evan – purely semantics – but I didn’t (set out to) tell AM what she wanted to hear.  I shared my own experience, and advised that she reconsider her marketing approach so it was more realistic and age-neutral.  It’s true that AM may have only “heard only what she wanted to hear,” but that I have no control over.  :-)
     
    The point I apparently didn’t get across strongly enough (my bad) is that this overemphasis on a man’s youth and “hotness” is not germane to finding a deeper, lasting relationship.  Those are the appropriate criteria when one is looking for a fling or a trophy to display, not a wife/husband.  I didn’t go out looking for a younger guy, but that’s who sought me out because of what I had to offer that women their age didn’t (a child-free lifestyle, freedom from financial burdens, intelligent conversation, grownup companionship, etc.) Nowhere in my dating profile did I mention looks, sexual prowess, fitness/energy level, or anything of that nature either in describing myself or the type of man I was looking for.  I would’ve happily chosen a guy my own age or older I clicked with on all cylinders, but that’s not who showed up.
     
    Yes, you need to be sexually compatible with your mate.  However, “hotness” is ideally a state of mutual attraction, regardless of looks, age, or fitness level.  I would’ve been a great fit with my own husband no matter how old he was (which I did state).  I didn’t go out seeking a younger guy.  That’s who showed up (much to my consternation at first).  I was looking for someone with whom I clicked and connected on a head and heart level.  Looks are fleeting, and after forty it’s “patch, patch, patch” for just about everyone.

  3. 33
    BeenThruTheWars

    Re the “winning the lottery” comment – I would feel that way about my husband regardless of how old he is.  His age is immaterial to me, as mine is to him (although he is envious that I remember watching The Beatles live on Ed Sullivan).  It’s a nice plus in some ways; actuarially, for instance.  With a 10 year age gap, it’s less likely that he’ll die before me and I’ll have to spend my final years alone.  However, it’s just icing on a much more substantial cake.

  4. 34
    Karl R

    AM said: (#18)
    “there are people out here who don’t fit the norm and that’s without trying too hard.”

    Match.com statistics for women aged 43 to 48 within 10 miles of my home (378 women):

    23% are slender
    24% are athletic and toned

    51% exercise 3 to 4 times per week
    14% exercise 5 or more times per week

    33% have a bachelors degree
    25% have a higher degree

    That’s your competition. If I set my search filters for a woman who is older, educated and in good shape, I’ll get a couple hundred of them. And I’m in a city that falls far below the median in health and education.

    If you want to stand out above the online norm, you’ll have to do something more than be attractive, enthusiastic and energetic.

    AM said: (#18)
    “Of course I wish I could find my equal and opposite in my own age group! And I am open to that, but frankly any guy that hot and together, of my own age, is probably going to be the property of some grateful wife! OR he will be hotly pursued by many women and doesn’t need to go online.”

    You’re absolutely right. Just like any woman your age who is your equal will be married to a grateful husband -or- she will be pursued by so many men that she won’t need to go online.

    There seems to be a flaw with that line of reasoning. If you’re hot and together, and you’re not married, and you’re online … why wouldn’t men find themselves in the exact same situation?

    AM said: (#18)
    “I’m just very comfortable in my own skin and with my sexuality”
    “It’s hard to hold out (for years?) for the absolutely ideal man when you need to express yourself sexually.”
    “And yes of course younger men are looking for sex. So am I!”
    “there are a lot of younger men who actually prefer the company of older women both emotionally and sexually.”

    Let’s talk about the elephant in the living room. Based on your age and your choice of words, men younger than you (like me) are likely to assume that you’re in perimenopause, your libido is in high gear, and you’re a great candidate for a relationship with lots of sex.

    Your emotional maturity isn’t being considered in this decision making process. As long as you’re “not crazy,” that’s good enough.

    Furthermore, you’d like a man who’s interested in a serious, long-term relationship. Those men are avoiding you. You’re not legally ready for the kind of relationship those men want until you’re divorced. Even then, they’ll be taking a chance as to whether you’ll be emotionally ready.

    You’ve put yourself in a situation where you’re only attracting the men who want a fling. You can’t go anywhere to change that. You’ll have to change yourself.

  5. 35
    Goldie

    I think it is one heck of an assumption to say that men in their 40s are only interested in “sharing a latte on a Sunday morning for the next 40 years”… I for one feel the need to step up and defend the guys of my generation :) Just like in any other age group, there is a huge variety. Just like AM, or myself, wouldn’t want to be lumped in together with “all women in their 40s”, neither would those men. Guys who believe that life is a constant growing and learning process do exist. If they didn’t, then what’s the point in getting together with a 30-year-old anyway? he’ll just turn into another couch potato in ten years.
     
    I’m not without hang-ups myself – mine is that I prefer men in my own age group and am pretty wary of anyone else, be it a 30-year-old or a 50-year-old. Something I need to work on, I guess :) If there’s one thing I’ve learned from this blog, it’s that external qualities don’t matter as much in a relationship. It matters infinitely more whether the person is in your karass than whether he’s in your granfalloon. (Sorry, just finished re-reading Cat’s Cradle and cannot get these terms out of my head.)

  6. 36
    Ruby

    Sure, the world of dating is opening up more and more. And who hasn’t been influenced by the Demi/Ashton phenomenon? But my experience, at least from online dating, is that most younger guys aren’t looking for a serious relationship with anyone. And many older men are the same. Most younger men who have contacted me online have been at least 20 years younger, just a bit too young, in my book, even though, yes, they are very cute and sweet. I’ve had little interest from 30-somethings, but I’m also over 45, which seems to be a cut-off point for many men. The 30-somethings are probably getting ready to start their own families. I’ve happily dated men around my age and up to 5-11 years younger, though.
     
    I really feel that the younger a man is, the more open he is to dating an older woman, because he doesn’t have any issues about his own youth. But as men get older, midlife crisis takes over, and they want a younger woman who makes them feel young. Truth be told, the younger men I’ve dated make me feel younger as well, though I’ve met a few older men who have been quite youthful and attractive. Keep an open mind about every man you encounter, is what I’d advise.

  7. 37
    Kaitlyn

    I have been living apart from my husband for 18 months now

    Honestly, AM, if you are still married and are living apart from your husband I think the FIRST thing you should be doing is evaluating whether you want to stay in your marriage or get a divorce.  If you want to find a relationship with another man it is only fair to that person that you are fully OUT of your marriage.
    Until you do that, you really are NOT available for anything more than a “fling”.  Sorry if that’s blunt…but you are soliciting advice on dating and finding more than a “fling” but you state that you are living apart from your HUSBAND which indicates that you are not fully available for ANY other man, regardless of his age.

  8. 38
    Speed

    @AM
    You can write me off as a typical “boring guy over 40” but what’s wrong with “sharing a Sunday latte for the next 40 years?” In my opinion, being an adult means recognizing life has a large degree of boredom and routine, interspersed with moments of something special.

  9. 39
    Steve

    Lucia #26 wrote

    Although for some men it may just be about sex, I hear from “Cougar couples” all over the world who are in serious relationships and are very happy.
     
    That doesn’t mean that it isn’t an exceptionally rare situation to the point where it might not be worth pursuing for a woman interested in finding a happy LTR while she can still walk unassisted.
    If I go “all over the world” I can probably fill  a convention hall of  left handed black jewish lesbians who voted for Bush.    That doesn’t mean that demographic is plentiful in the dating scene and that any left handed jewish lesbian has a realistic shot of finding someone just like herself for an LTR.

  10. 40
    Steve

    Karl, post #35.   Be sure to blow some air on those smoking guns to cool them down :)  Dang!

  11. 41
    Kathe

    Here’s a tip: what’s good for the gander is good for the goose. Many middle-aged women don’t want to date men the same age or older because their perceptions of women have been frozen in time. Forget accomplishments, careers. or an exciting life — those guys will just see you as the woman who should defer to him and pick his socks off the floor.

    I’ve dated men more than 10 years younger than myself — didn’t last but neither did the other relationships with men in the same age bracket. (And that’s because I wasn’t looking long-term.)  EMK is looking at the players? OK, but don’t assume older women want the players either.

    The last time I said I wanted to date younger men, one prospective dating advisor said, “Oh, no, here we go again.” That’s support we can all do without.

  12. 42
    SS

    @Speed 39:
     
    I guess I’m a boring old woman at age 33, but I’d like nothing better to have a latte with my husband every Sunday morning for the next 40 years! That doesn’t mean we won’t enjoy physical activities as well, but if I’ve learned anything in my young, but growing older age, it’s that the little, quiet and tender moments like sharing a cup of coffee or watching the sunrise together are some of the most treasured and poignant parts of a committed relationship. Why does everything always have to be about being on the go or seeing how many activities one can do, or always having energy to burn? Whatever happened to quiet, contemplative moments where all a person has is the company of another… and enjoying each other is much more valuable than always having some activity to serve as a distraction or as a reason to spend time together?
     
    @Andrea 11
    I can relate to this. I was one of those people who was often told how young I looked, how I had so much energy, how I didn’t seem to be the age that I was, etc… and it started to go to my head. I’d dress like a 19-21 year old, spend time with them and revel in a second decade of being a 20-something.
    Until one day, I looked around and noticed that I was completely different than those I deemed to be my peers — in mentality and probably in looks too. Whether I looked younger in age or not, I WAS a 30-something. I wasn’t fooling anyone with the Aeropostale and Hollister gear. My bearing and demeanor came off much differently and I started to feel that I stood out like a sore thumb, like the woman that was trying too hard.
    I finally cleaned out my closet and dumped all of the junior-sized clothing, bought a more mature (but still fashionable) wardrobe and started spending time with my true peer group… and stopped looking for younger men, especially considering that I wanted a commitment.
    Sometimes, it’s important for us to do some self-evaluation and embrace our age (whatever it might be). We can look great for our age and have a lot of energy for someone our age, but we ARE the product of the number of years we’ve spent on this earth. Acting like we aren’t is simply denial.

  13. 43
    AM

    Glad to see I’ve been able to entertain here..!

    Karl..odd how you see an open discussion about sex as an elephant in the room..

    Steve I would prefer a man who is not a performer. I happen love geeky nerds for instance, such a relief from talking ‘show’ shop.

    Thanks all for your advice about my online profile but I don’t recall sharing it on this site so.. In fact there is no mention of fitness, or elephants and I have no limits on age.

    As a postscript, I would love to hear the European version of this conversation..

  14. 44
    Bren

    Was married a man 8 years younger… Felt like a story book romance… Thought it was the most wonderful relationship in the world… for 12 years…
    Then he reached his mid life crisis phase and decided he just fell out of love… Yep…thinks I’m still beautiful…just not in love anymore….  Now 48 and 56….He’s riding off into the sunset with his bit younger biker chick girlfriend… and shopping at the teen clothing stores….
    Never really knew he’d possibly have a midlife crisis…or I might have been a bit more careful….
    Yep.. I want a man that is somewhere near my age….. give or take a few years…

  15. 45
    Luxe

    Steve.. LOL.. you crack me up!

    It kinda sounds like AM is just chasing something that is new and exciting. And that happens to be the younger guys right now. And the way she writes, even though she says she wants a serious relationship, it doesn’t sound like it at the same time. 

     Seriously, even a younger guy will get into a “routine” once he’s been in a LTR. He may not want to drink lattes every sunday for the next 40 years, but it could be that he just wants to watch [insert sports programming] while drinking beer every sunday for X years. You get the idea. It’s all the same to me.

  16. 46
    JB

    @Karl R #35 “you’re not legally ready for that kind of relationship until you’re divorced”

    Karl is right.I love dating separated women because they can’t ask anything from me.You know why? THEY’RE STILL MARRIED !!! I would laugh if any one of them regardless of their age and energy level asked me anything about a deep/serious relationship.I would tell them and in fact have said these exact words,”get out of the one you’re in first and take some time to figure out who the “single” you is and what she needs and wants and then worry about it.

    I can’t speak for every man but normally men look at the whole “cougar” thing as something to have fun with occasionally as I have but rarely(except for BTTW) to be a long term thing.Bottom line is it’s hard enough to have and keep a serious relationship going with someone your own age let alone a man who’s 10-15 yrs younger.

  17. 47
    Andrea

    Goodness, Americans have so many ideas that Europe is some kind of magical utopia where our uptight American rules don’t apply.  I think that men are men, and I can’t think of any culture where men are choosing older mates MORE than they choose mates their own age or younger.
    Haven’t lived in Europe but have several friends and college classmates who are married to Europeans (Brits, Germans, Swedes, French), and guess what?  All of those guys are the same ages as my friends.  Same is true of my European classmates from grad school.  I think you can find a nice young European fling, but I think men Europe still gravitate towards youth.
    You know, I love the British expression for cougar.  A British bus driver said that they say “Twas mutton done up like lamb.” I said, “do you mean, like Madonna?” And he made a face.
    Who started the rumor that the Mrs. Robinson craze had taken hold of the Continent?  I’ve spent a lot of time in Europe and I didn’t exactly see a lot of older women with their young boyfriends.  That sounds like the plot of a Nancy Meyers film
    I hope some Europeans do chime in, but you know, they like youth and beauty just like we do, and I’ve noticed that several of the older French actresses have subjected themselves to some really awful plastic surgery in order to cling to their youth (it hasn’t worked).  Plus, several high profile European actors who were with older women ended up leaving them for younger women.
    Clearly, there is a lot to figure out…good luck in your search.

  18. 48
    Karl R

    AM said: (#44)
    “Karl..odd how you see an open discussion about sex as an elephant in the room..”

    It’s odd that you thought sex was the “elephant” I was refering to.

    You claim that you want “something deep and long-lasting,” but you’re not available for that kind of relationship due to your marital status. If a long-term relationship was truly a priority, you’d be in a rush to get divorced in order to facilitate that goal.

    If a man (or woman) is searching for a long-term relationship online, he sets his search filters to exclude people who are “separated.”

    You claim to want “a passionate relationship of integrity” and to “want more than the cougar/toy boy experience.” But these seem to be the main qualities you’re looking for:
    1. Hot
    2. Energetic
    3. Passionate
    4. Successful

    Combine that with the adjectives you use to describe yourself, and it looks like you’re advertising for a fling, not an enduring relationship.

    If you want a relationship with integrity (or if you just want a relationship that will last), you might want to start with the traits associated with that goal: honesty, understanding, patience, loyalty, etc.

    AM said: (#44)
    “As a postscript, I would love to hear the European version of this conversation..”

    Are you hoping to find someone who will validate your position?

    I’m guessing most Europeans know some men over the age of 40 who are attractive, energetic and enthusiastic … so you’re unlikely to find a lot of validation there.

    I suspect most would be confused by your need to justify your attraction to younger men. You’re attracted to people younger than you. Who isn’t? There’s no need to invent some reason that men close to your age are unsuitable just to rationalize that attraction.

    As I said earlier, my girlfriend is 16 years older than me. I don’t have anything against a younger man dating an older woman.

    But my girlfriend didn’t limit herself to younger men, and I didn’t limit myself to older women. We were both looking for the best partner we could find.

    AM asked: (#18)
    “I’m still hoping that the ‘right’ man will show up…which gets back to my original question..where is he?”

    I’m looking for the car that will make me happy. What kind should I buy?

    There’s no way to answer my question. Happiness doesn’t come from cars.

    You want to know where to find the “right man,” but you don’t want to hear the answer. You could find a young, hot, beautiful, energetic, enthusiastic and successful man, and he’ll still probably be the wrong man. None of those traits matter if it turns out that he’s not trustworthy, or mean, or selfish.

    Figure out which traits are absolutely essential. Search for those. If the right man turns out to be young and hot, that’s a bonus.

  19. 49
    Steve

    Alright.  I’m starting a club for us latte and movie fans.  Our first meeting is this Sunday.  Naysayers can stay home :)

  20. 50
    Gabrielle

     I live in a college town–I can’t pretend I pass for 30 any more (which does make me a little sad) but so what? I’m attractive, interesting, exciting, yadda, yadda and it has never mattered in the long run. If a guy finds you interesting, he’ll make the effort to get and keep your attention. If he tires of you, or himself, or the life you have with him, he’ll bail.
    You don’t have control over that.

    Regardless of how great I am, I’m still 46, twice divorced and have two kids–one of whom is under 10. He won’t be leaving home any time soon. It changes the playing field. 

    I prefer guys around my age, but I haven’t dated a guy less than 5 years my junior since I was in my mid-30′s. Why? They ask me out. They don’t hang back, pretending to be cool. Maybe it’s a generational thing. GenX guys never have seemed too interested in behaving like adults, but maybe that’s just my experience. 

    There are distinct issues with dating someone 10 years younger though.  There can be a real disconnect sometimes. I decided to try online dating about 6 months ago, hoping to meet someone my age.  

    I’ll be honest. At this point, I’m doing it purely to stay in practice. If someone writes to me, I’ll reply. Why not? It doesn’t mean anything. These guys aren’t bothering to find out who I am–they’re writing to whatever my picture represents for them.
    It doesn’t bode well for anything serious but whatever. 
    I don’t think it’s that different in real life, there’s just more of it online.
     
    It’s frustrating, but it’s not worth getting worked up about.

  21. 51
    K'Mama

    Karl,
    I think you and AM should get a room and work your tensions out there.
    Evan,
    After reading your blog for a couple of months now, Evan – which I have thoroughly enjoyed – this topic hit a nerve.
    I truly appreciate all that you have written and the time you have taken to give sage and experiential advice.  I have actually been listening to you off and on for a few years and may I say that marriage has done you and your message well.  Congratulations on your beautiful wife and your burgeoning family. I am especially impressed that you (unlike many of your male dating-guru contemporaries) have taken your own advice and actually gotten married.  Once I learned that, you permanently had my ear.
    In this instance with AM, I do understand your advice, but find it intensely logical and brusque.  I can sense your weariness borne from dealing with women with “ridiculous” expectations and desires.  Yet, we all know that love/romance/even hookups aren’t logical by any stretch of the imagination.
    As I find myself in a May-December romance, (he is 15 years younger – yikes!), this type of relationship, while not ideal if having children are the consideration, is becoming more and more common and the landscape of dating is rapidly changing. And thank god, as this has opened up my dating pool.  Age differences, racial differences, educational/class differences, hotness/vs. plain – the paradigm shift is occurring as we speak.  The old paradigm (think JFK/Jackie O) of hot blond boy with Harvard law degree in early 30s, meets and marries, nice girl of equal hotness but not too smart, but good family values and ready to pop out 2.5 blond kids for him in say 5 years but before she’s 35 – is rapidly shrinking.  What’s left?  Each and everyone of us on this post thread – the so-called exceptions. (honestly, in my opinion the blond-guy/girl scenario is what is the exception)
    So while I know from reading many of your posts Evan, that you deal in “just -the-facts-ma’am” type statistics and suggest that women in their 40s (i hit 40 this year) should embrace the fact that to the rest of the world, this diminishes our sale-ability in the open market, in my world – this just ain’t so. And isn’t that the only world that counts?  I’ve done most of my spiritual work and growth here-to-date in my thirties and this growth has attracted a whole range of type of men…. which leads me to my main and final point and then I’ll shut up.
    I feel that AM has every human right to want what she wants and want it with gusto.  Actually it doesn’t even matter who she wants.  A rampant theme throughout this comment thread and some of the others is an incessant attention to the absurd comparison of who’s hot, who’s not, men in their senior years wanting young hot childbearing chicks or vice versa, blah blah blah. On the logical surface this is truly relevant.  In reality – as you have demonstrated in your own life, Evan – it’s not.  We all know as we get older this (race, age, income status, intelligence quotient) matters less and less and the person’s energy and spirit matter more and more. Beating any woman over the head with stats on just how unlikely it is that she would get what she wants is, imho, a futile act. The heart wants what it thinks it wants.
    As a subscriber to Abraham-Hicks and their understanding of the laws of the universe (please forgive me if you neither know, follow nor care about Ab-hicks), it seems appropriate to say that perhaps AM’s goal before finding the amazing 30 year old that meets her sexual and emotional needs, is to get aligned.  You know like, get a divorce and finalize that energetic relationship, take a breath, get quiet… ect.  And then take action.  So many of the authors of the questions you post are from women who are clearly trying to take action, [jump online, run around looking, working out, beating the drum about how energetic/hot/youthful they are] before they even ready for a healthy relationship. What jumps out at me, as I read the posts and try to absorb Evan’s wit and advice and the collective wisdom from readers, is that these women probably could benefit from doing some major inner work.  Then look for similar energetic qualities to satisfy them.
    I started doing that this year and low and behold, what showed up, as usual, surprised me in the package of a 50 year old soul wrapped up in a 25 year old man’s body.  And one of the healthiest/honest/sweetest relationships I’ve had to date.  I don’t beat the drum of specifics per se anymore. I just focus on alignment.  Who knows where it this will lead, – I have you Evan to thank for helping me to understand the logical male psyche and be able to relax into it and let it bloom organically.  But I wouldn’t have gotten to this place had I internalized the logical statistics about age/race/class and accepted this imagined second class status as a woman of a certain age.
    AM – I send you positivity and honestly believe you will attract to you what you are spiritually.  Work on that and the rest will come and I’m sure you’ll get your match.

  22. 52
    Andrea

    I’d love to hear from the over 45 set what they “do” that qualifies them as “not acting” their age?  Is it being active? Not that rare.  Is it using gadgets? Are you on Facebook ? Do you Tweet? Is Jay-Z on your Ipod?  I just think that a lot of people who are older who think that they are young and hip are really mistaken, and the results are really awkward. (as I mentioned, watch the Cougar Den skit on SNL). Even if you aren’t like your friends, it doesn’t meant that there aren’t loads of people like you, and how someone acts at any given age has SO much to do with their circumstances (are you married or single, do you have kids, and if so, how old are they). Maybe it’s just the self-selecting group of people who blog here, but do you realize how much of a cliche it is that you claim to be so youthful at 45?
    Because I also wonder, what the heck do they think that 30 year olds do? Trust me, you might not like it. I think Sunday afternoon lattes sounds great.
    I sometimes wonder if some older women who married young get divorced and are ready to party(whereas if you got to party through your 20′s and beyond you are over it).  I’m not sure if someone who is 50 got married closer to 20, whereas now, depending on your region, you could find plenty of never marrieds in their 30′s (esp. true in big cities, maybe less so in other places).  It also maybe depends on your set, because of course, people who aren’t going to college are perhaps getting married young, but if you are going to college, grad school, professional school, post-docs, etc., a lot of people will be really intensely focused on school and career in their 20′s.
    I would say caveat emptor.  You have no idea how 30 year olds socialize, and you’ll find that it’s likely MUCH different than what 30 was like when you were that age, and no matter how young acting you think you are, I can guarantee that it’s not what you do to have fun.
    So are you all just comparing your 48 to your parents or grandparents 48?  B/c it’s all changed a LOT in the 20th and 21st centuries. I can safely say that my mom at 48 and my grandma at 48 were completely different creatures, so if that is your comparison, you are out of touch with what 48 is. You probably weren’t the same as your forebears were at 40, 30, 20, etc. either.
    I just don’t want to lose touch with reality and assume that me being me makes me special, young, or hip as I get older.  I just don’t see how it would qualify as “not acting my age.”
    And just to be clear, I roll my eyes just as much at 21 year olds who think that they are too mature for people their own age either (very typical of exceptionally bright young people).
    I just think that until you are X years old, you don’t have any idea what you will be like, and you are a horrible judge of what being X years old is.
    Love this post topic, but I do think that letter writer wanted validation and not the truth since the reply did tell her the truth and also pointed out that her truth is the same that it would be if she was a man (and you could infer the answer with several other older topics).

  23. 53
    Denise

    #50 Steve

    I’m there…not too early I hope though!  Thanks for offering to make us all feel included  :)

  24. 54
    Selena

    @ Steve #50

    I’m in.

  25. 55
    Steve

    Andrea 53

    (as I mentioned, watch the Cougar Den skit on SNL).
     
    Since you posted about it twice I decided to watch it:
    http://tinyurl.com/anpwlt
     
    The skit reminded of the way older men used to be mocked for chasing women much younger than they were ( gut, toupee that flops off at odd moments, etc ).

  26. 56
    Goldie

    #53 Andrea: “I’d love to hear from the over 45 set what they “do” that qualifies them as “not acting” their age?”
     
    Not exactly the over-45 set, but to me that would mean not being afraid to learn and try new things, and not getting stuck in a rut. Nothing wrong with Two and a Half Men reruns every evening after work, a latte every Sunday morning, vacation at your favorite all-inclusive resort every winter… except that, after some years of this, the two of you have nothing to talk about anymore and bore each other to tears. And that’s not fair to us or our partners. We’re all the proverbial smart/strong/successful people here, capable of having more interesting lives than that.

  27. 57
    Denise

    #53 Andrea: “I’d love to hear from the over 45 set what they “do” that qualifies them as “not acting” their age?”

    For women, I think not acting their age is wearing clothes, jewelry, makeup, hair that a 20 year old would wear, for example.  Going out and getting a body full of tattoos at 45.  Consistently going out at 11 pm, walking into clubs with the 21 year olds.  Getting involved in or tolerating the drama of younger people.  Constantly saying how young you look and act, how young men are always fawning over you, swinging your long hair (which more than likely are extensions).   Someone not being able to handle their liquor or sleeping around indiscriminately.

    This is MUCH different than exploring different activities, making new friends, trying new things like skydiving, going back to school, understanding and using technology.  That’s just living life!

  28. 58
    Shouraku

    The problem with chasing 30 year old men is that they have the ability to attract hot, energetic, successful, fun, 30 year old women.
     
    From your writing you seem to be a very fun person, but from the 30 year old mans perspective, why would he want to start a LTR with a fun 50 year old woman when he could easily attract a 30 year old version of you?
     
    There are many hot, energetic, successful, younger women ripe for the picking for a quality 30 year old man. That is why you are having issues, not because you are not amazing, but because there are tons of younger versions of you who are also looking for LTR with the same quality men.
     
    Of course, they are not you, and thus do not have the same experience and wisdom that you do. However, getting them to stay around long enough to stop seeing you as a novelty and realize this is an issue. If they are starting out with the mindset that a LTR with you is not a possibility (from their end), then it is very difficult to convince them to see you as something other then a novelty later on down the road.
     
    My heart goes out to you, you seem like an amazing woman, but that does not change the nature of the situation that you are in.

  29. 59
    Ellen

    Agree with Diana and K’Mama- Men my age (50′s) are often sexist, tired, emotionally damaged and/or controlling after a lifetime of learning how to manipulate women frankly (Diana’s point); some younger men really DO prefer older women and aren’t just looking for easy, hot sex (K.Mama’s point).

    I am 57, look 45 on a good day (plastic surgery, a lifetime of exercise etc.) told all the time by young and old I’m beautiful, yada, yada, yada, so suddenly about a year ago fell into dating handsome younger, much younger actually, and haven’t looked back yet Evan. Now, I’m no fool and I know there is no future with most of these men (3 so far), but I find their youth, honesty, lack of emotional baggage, their RESPECT (they respect me and my lifelong accomplishments in a way no man my age does), the incredible hot sex, pretty damn thrilling and addictive to tell you the truth so I doubt I look for that 5% in my age range who can keep up with me looks-wise, energy-wise. It’s not the older man’s fault really- they haven’t spent a lifetime nurturing their looks the way woman do, like I did….

    But recently I decided I was ready for an ongoing real relationship so I am back talking to a guy I met at a conference a year ago who is closer to my age. I might add he is still about 7 years younger, but he looks my age ’cause I think he used to drink a lot and works 60+ weeks. But his character/gravitas, our potential emotional connection (wish me luck!) keep drawing me in. He is not good looking btw, but again, I sense we could have something really meaningful long-term.

    I just discovered your site today, I did have a much younger man “disappear” on me last month (purely online- never met!) so may order your online book. I am probably scary successful, intelligent, too intelligent for most guys probably (20 years schooling) (I’m learning- new to me having been married most of my life) so need this info asap! You are doing a great job getting the word out on how to behave around a man and us women do appreciate it. Btw, my Dad was military, I have two much older brothers, but STILL don’t understand men completely. But I’ve made enormous headway over the past two years and feel now I “get” them pretty much. It’s all about unconditional love, which is a spiritual goal of mine anyway. Everyone Happy New Year! Ellen in SC

  30. 60
    Ruby

    One of the reasons for the shift in dating demographics is directly related to the fact that people are dating later and later in life. Our past experiences give us a chance to see that what we wanted – or didn’t want – at 22 is different from what we want/need at 52. Most people of my parents’ generation got married fairly young and stayed married, happy or not. There weren’t legions of newly single or never married middle-aged folks out there as is happening today. As K’Mama said, the paradigm is shifting.

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