I Lost a Lot of Weight But Resent All the Men Who Now Find Me Attractive

I Lost a Lot of Weight But Resent All the Men

Dear Evan,

I lost 60 pounds (hooray!) and physically I am a completely different person. Before the dramatic weight loss, I didn’t really go out to try to find dates. I’m 23 and have never even “talked” to a male let alone go out with one. Being overweight made me very self-conscious physically and since no males ever showed interest in me, I never gave the effort to pursue.

Now, I’ve been fairly OK with never dating: I have career/education goals and I’ve always been independent and very able to take care of myself. Having someone romantically in my life just seemed like another thing to put on my plate. But seeing as 77% of my friends (I did the math!) are married and the other 23% are in serious relationships, I thought maybe I should think about doing the whole “dating” thing. In the past, I would go out to social events with my friends but never had any males approach me. Of course I assumed it was because of my physical appearance, but I always thought “oh well, their loss.” Now I go out with friends and I get bombarded by men, especially since I’m the only one in the group unattached.

I feel cocky to say this, but I know I have a great personality. I have goals, I’m ambitious, educated, really sweet and caring, very funny (I think everyone I know can attest to that,) patient, and just all around pretty easy going. I want to start dating, but I can’t get past the thought, “You know, this guy wouldn’t even give me the time of day if I were still fat.” What can I do to get rid of this or work past it? I know you say that physical attraction really does matter to men, but I have a pretty awesome personality and I want that to be, if not of most, of high importance. Please give me some insight! I’m pretty sure asking every guy that approaches me, “would you talk to me if I were fat?” is not the best way to go about things.

Thanks!
Sandra

Dear Sandra,

There’s an intelligent, successful, charming bachelor in his 40’s. Let’s call him George Clooney.

So George, sick of women throwing themselves at him because his rich and famous, decides to go undercover. He grows out his beard, he gains weight, he starts wearing ripped sweatpants wherever he goes. He’s the exact same guy underneath, but it’s really important that a woman want him for HIM – not just for the dashing image he projects and the life he can provide.

We can’t separate looks from the package. It’s PART of the package, whether we like it or not.

Now, George looks like a homeless man and goes to bars to talk to women. He still has great knowledge of Darfur, Edward R. Murrow, and the politics behind oil. He can still turn a phrase and crack a joke. He still has an amazing smile. He just can’t talk about being an Academy Award winner, lest anyone value him for something superficial. It would probably not surprise you that George would struggle in his quest for love. He may blame women for not valuing him as a homeless man as much they did as an actor – but he’d be the one losing out.

And that’s where you’re boxing yourself in, Sandra. See, we can’t separate looks from the package. It’s PART of the package, whether we like it or not. A store might have amazing and classy merchandise, but if there’s a misspelled sign outside, flyers on the window, and graffiti on the door, you might not go in to find out. Is that YOUR fault for judging the book by its cover? No, it’s the store’s fault for not realizing that looks matter.

Simply put, when a man finds you attractive, he will take the time to learn about your amazing personality. If he doesn’t find you attractive, he won’t. Which way would you rather have it?

The people who do best… are not the ones who try to rewrite the rules of society, but rather, figure out how to navigate them successfully.

On a personal note, I have dated three women who lost over 50 lbs and had the same exact issues that you did. One girlfriend used to complain to me that the men in the gym were looking at her – and remark that they never looked at her before. As if the men were to blame for buying into conventional societal standards of beauty.

Would the world be a better place if being 60lbs overweight didn’t matter? Sure. Would the world be a better place if 5’4″ men fared as well as 6′ tall men? Absolutely. Wouldn’t it be great if a male second grade teacher had as much status and appeal as the C.E.O. of a Fortune 500 company? Yep.

But that’s not the world we live in. And the people who do best in the world we live in, Sandra, are not the ones who try to rewrite the rules of society, but rather, figure out how to navigate them successfully.

It sounds like you have a great sense of self-esteem to back up your efforts to lose weight. If I were you, I’d literally DROP the idea that the “right” guy doesn’t care about looks and embrace the incredible opportunity you created for yourself. You deserve it.

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Comments:

  1. 181
    flower

    Not just men but women judge on looks too. We do just as much as Men.

  2. 182
    Double Standard

    It’s funny how so many women claim to be the angelic half of the species.  Hypocrisy! Go figure!
    I’m a guy who lost 70lbs, and I can tell you from first-hand experiences:  Women, through the proliferation of such things as Facebook, Tinder, etc., have become just as visual as men.  Women don’t like getting know a fat dude, even if he’s the nicest guy in the world.  There are a lot of reasons for this, which I won’t go into here.  But in my experience women have become equally as shallow as men.  When I was overweight, I couldn’t get myself a date.  Women actually told me to “move aside” so they could talk to their skinnier male acquaintances at social events.  It was painful.  Now I look back at those times, and then I think about Sandra’s comment, and the answer is: Why should they talk to you if you’re fat?  Would it be any different the other way around?  Guess what.. NO! It wouldn’t.  Just be thankful you’re being approached now.  If you don’t like it, get fat again.
     

  3. 183
    therie

    well! i think she has a very valid question. somebody said there are a lot of chubby chasers and guys who dont mind a little heavy so is she hiding behind fat? what is that? rubbish. there are no chubby chasers worth while. FACT. guys who chase after chubby either dont have jobs, self esteem, are secretly gay or they just want an easy lay without any hassle. solid, great looking great personality guys dont do chubby.

    but this has been my problem too: love is so cosmetic its not love anymore. the guy gets to know me because i am attractive? oh please give us a break Evan! guys dont get to know women. they just have sex with them. they never understand them. that’s why divorce is so “down the road” and thats why we have issues like infidelity and cheating and…morons.

     

    Evan: a fat girl gets all that on a good day. what s the difference? if all the fat is gone and all the guys are beating down my door for my body…the next body that passes by will carry them all away like bees after honey.

    Evan! the truth is that we can actually separate looks from the whole package if its true love. that’s why bums marry bankers, and fortune 500 men marry blind girls and cripples get really hot spouses.

    what planet are you on?

  4. 184
    Jenna

    If you find the right guy, he’ll love you for you, fat, fit, skinny, homely, gorgeous.  Hope all your dreams come true.  After being depressed and overweight from meds. I can attest to the bs that you endured.

  5. 185
    Alicia

    Honestly, the hardest thing to deal with and what has kept me from maintaining a slim physique is the way I am treated when I slim down.

    When I’m fat, I’m treated okay.

    When I’m slim I’m loved or hated but there’s no in between.

    When I’m Fat, men and women treat me okay. If a man tells me hi, and I don’t hear him (I don’t have the best hearing), it’s no big deal.

    When I slim down, it’s horrible. I’m a cashier. I’ll hand women back their change and they’ll move their hand so it falls on the counter, my female coworkers will call me on the intercom to return back to my register to cashier when I’m on the floor even when there isn’t a line (the boss has us do a floor task that we have too finish at the end or our shift) , women will give me dirty looks and it goes on and on. If a man tells me hi, I’d better hear him and respond or else I’m a b****.

    Those who complain how much better good looking/thinner  people are treated are not good looking I assume. They’re probably the same ones who give good looking people a hard time.

    And men are way more attracted to thinner women. I know a lot of overweight women who won’t date fat man ( they’re usually single) and I know thin women who will.

    Newsflash- Both men and women like nice bodies.

     

     

     

     

  6. 186
    Logik

    I’m a guy that lost a LOT of weight and do understand where she’s coming from.  When you’ve been big most of your life you are invisible or an irritation to most people.   They would never think they treat you different, but they do.

     

    When suddenly people that wouldn’t ever give you the time of day when you were fighting with your weight and health suddenly start approaching you,  it really does make you feel devaluated.   Like all the effort, being treated like crap, and not even being treated human is all supposed to be forgiven and forgotten now because now you have value.    Your degrees, community work, job dedication and being a decent human being didn’t ever matter.

    It’s a slap in the face.    It also really makes you question the sincerity and integrity of those people.

    However it is something you have to work through.   People are really, really rotten to bigger folk who usually have little or no control over it despite fighting it for years.   They have no idea how hard it can be and curiosly how much willpower and self discipline most bigger people have had to develop to prevent getting even bigger, or how much extra hard they have taking it off.

    But, if you’ve never been a bigger person you’re unlikely to ever understand ir believe it.

    So adapting to attention that other people receive just for being normal size is a shock, as is the amount of jealousy and snideness that comes with eventual success.

    They can’t help it.   Its not intentionally negative,  but it is a fact that you have to get used to, and move past.

    The truth is that you are a different person now that you learned what works for you.   Your anger is justified, but you eventually have to move beyond it and accept the rewards for your hard work.    People judge you by the outside and always will.  But know that you’ve had to develop inner strength that few will ever know.     Good luck!

  7. 187
    june

    That story about Geirge Clooney is rubbish! He was described as looking like a tramp! Overweight women don’t necessarily dress and groom like homeless people! That’s s crap analogy and insulting to women who are not attracted to homeless, unkempt men! They may be well spoken etc like you are describing but I know they are probably an alcoholic or drug addict or have a mental illness, none of which you should assume a fat women is simply because she is fat!

  8. 188
    Jessa

    Here’s my thing, don’t pursue ANY guy you already knew at your heaviest. DO. NOT. If anything is a terrible characteristic of a dude that is definitely one. To pursue a girl who you’ve known your whole life EXACTLY after she loses weight just SCREAMS red flag to me. I’ve nothing Against strangers/new guys that chase because they never knew me in the past. That would be unfair to them. But the assholes that literally have known you since kindergarten, please leave them dreaming. Leave their asses DREAMING. Why on earth date someone who treated you like shit in the past now that you’re “new and improved”. That is weakness, and super-duper low-self esteem to just jump into dudes bed now that he approves of you. Give strangers who are potential suitors a whirl, NEVER EVER the guy who was there the whole time. That shit is sad af. So sad that men think that’s totally okay to just go “oh wow, so and so is actually…a person!! A WOMAN! I’m gonna try to sleep/date with her now because she totally wanted me before when she was a fatty. My homies won’t tease me about her this time around!”

     

    Like I honesty think is their thought process. lmao it just kills me bahaha

  9. 189
    John doe

    Finally someone who gets it. I’m totally with Sandra on this one if I had to choose between living a miserable life alone and shunning the attention and swallowing my pride and accepting that my significant other wouldn’t even give me the time of day if I looked differently then I would gladly die alone. People always say it’s about confidence and I’ve tried that and I can make anyone laugh and people are always willing and enjoy talking to me, but when you are fat you best believe all that confidence is worth neither piss nor shit

  10. 190
    Scooter

    I really don’t have much sympathy for women, as a group, concerning this issue.  Being fat is NOT a neutral trait, with zero consequences.  For most, it’s unhealthy and has long-term implications.  Besides, just being a “few pounds” overweight can lead to drastic reduction in energy levels, which doesn’t jive with someone who is fit and has an active lifestyle.

    Nevertheless, I don’t think any individual should be marginalized and otherwise treated as garbage, just due to a physical trait.

    Still, the irony of this issue becomes scathing when considering that too many women are just as unforgiving and ruthless concerning (what should be) an actual neutral variable trait in men: height.  In modern society, height has no true value except in small niches such as certain competitive sports; otherwise it is just a status symbol.  Unfortunately, American (and perhaps those of other cultures) find it perfectly acceptable to dehumanize shorter men.. in private with their friends OR in public.. even in front of short guys.  (And no.. it’s not an “infrequent occurrence”)   The humorous part of this, is that even fat women find it acceptable to do this!

    So anymore, if a women who is even slightly overweight decides to ask my height, I automatically counter by asking how much she weighs.  Fair?

    1. 190.1
      Buck25

      Scooter,

      “Fair?” 

      Well, in a sense, yes, it is, but why bother? Look, it’s like slinging words like “superficial” and “shallow” at each other; aside from venting anger, I really doubt being attacked and labelled is really going to shame or guilt anyone into dramatically altering his/her attraction preferences. Just because we state those, even quite explicitly, doesn’t mean we necessarily consciously choose them (in most cases, we don’t).

      Reality is, in the American dating scene, lots of things matter. Looks matter. Height matters. Weight matters. Grooming matters. Money matters. Charm and charisma, matter. Clothes, and fashion, matter. Some of theses are social constructs , others just personal preference. Does it make a difference? Not the least bit. No one, not you, not me, not women, not men, can make themselves feel physically attracted to someone when they just…don’t. Whether that’s fair, or just, or best….is irrelevant. Some of this stuff matters more online. Some of it matters more in real life; this why online works better for some people, not as well for others.

      Let me share a little story I haven’t shared here before. I’ve been an athlete all my life, but for 4 years, leading up to the end of my marriage, I was way overmedicated for a misdiagnosed cardiac problem, and spent most of that flat on my back unable to exercise or do much of anything. I went from athlete to sedentary, nearly 100 lbs overweight in a few months. That helped end my marriage. I was almost 65 and I wouldn’t even date, until I finally flushed the pills down the toilet, and started a diet and exercise routine. I didn’t go online until I had dropped almost 70 lbs. It was still a confidence killer that set me back about a year, but eventually I dropped the rest of it, and started dating real world as well. It was a long slow battle, with more work physically and a lot more on personality and attitude. It took until late last fall, to get my old attitude and swagger back. Now here’s the thing; no one cared how long it took, no one cared how much work I did or did not do, and I promise you no one cared how I might have felt about any of it. Here’s why. No one is in the dating game, real world or online, to make anyone else feel better. We are all in it, to get the best we can for ourselves (whatever we think that is), period. None of us need to apologize to anyone for that. No one we might be interested in has the slightest reason to care about anything, except what they perceive we bring to the table, right now, today, and whether that’s enough to pique their interest. That’s it, unless and until someone is willing to emotionally invest something more in you or me, or we in them. Until then, all anyone can do, if short of something their target audience wants, is improve that trait, and if that’s not possible, improve something else that may help compensate for it. No one owes anyone anything; not love, not a relationship, not a date, not a meeting, not an email, not a text, not a phone call. The word “fair”is completely and utterly irrelevant to this process, or anyone’s success or failure in it.

      Online is particularly brutal, because it can be. It’s cold, sterile and impersonal, and foul tactics are the rule, not the exception. It’s mostly visual, and regardless of which gender you belong to, you are competing not just in your area and age group, but with every phony profile, scammer, and old profile that’s still visible, wherever located. If your target audience can see it, and it looks better than you (even as a bright shiny lie), the bar just got raised. Most of your competitors are lazy, and quitters, but those that aren’t can read the same advice you can, and they get better every day. The profile that might have been standout two years ago, is ordinary today. It’s the same as in the real world, except that the bigger online universe magnifies the effect; competition makes competitors better. Elevate your game, and your brand, or get left in the dust. Real world or online, adjust, adapt, learn, keep working and improving. Online, 95% of the people willing to contact you, you won’t wish to date, 95% of the people you write to, won’t think of dating you. Try to have enough of a single life elsewhere so you don’t get invested in any outcomes, and maybe you can have some fun with the competitive side of it.

      1. 190.1.1
        Scooter

        Buck25, I agree with most of what you said, but there is a consequence implicit from my post, to which you replied.

        I honestly believe (partly from my own experience) that there are plenty of women who actually wouldn’t be opposed to dating a shorter guy, IF the taboo wasn’t so heavy.  Most people want their SOs (significant others) to be accepted by friends and family.  I’m telling you from personal experience that I believe the societal prejudice against short men makes it very difficult for most women to date such men.

        After all, how many women do you know who are strong enough to be immune to the vitriol, or even more subtle passive-aggressive attitude displayed by other women who happen to see short men as inferior?  And when I say inferior, I mean that it doesn’t matter to such women how accomplished said man might be; lack of height obliterates such positives, except maybe money.  And in that case, the short guy had better be a millionaire.  Truly, who wants to build a relationship on that alone?

        Heck Buck25, if you want evidence of such attitudes from women.. well.. I know you have probably run across it within these comments.

        Anyway Buck, I appreciate the candor.  I am just highlighting the fact that the bias against short men in the dating arena is a symptom of a negative societal undercurrent. “It is what it is”, as the saying goes

        Fair? No.  But again, if it’s alright for women to degrade a guy based on such a trait, then being openly critical of (even a few pounds) overweight should also be acceptable.

  11. 191
    meeps

    My experience with men has shown me that men do not really care about looks. I knew this one girl who was super fat and smelled like rotting milk. Despite all that, she had a man completely devoted to her. I know many other obese women who attract men like crazy. Overall, I have learned that it is happiness that attracts men. Men have emotional needs. They want to be happy. If you are happy, that makes them happy.

    1. 191.1
      meeps

      Sadly, I’m not exactly a happy person. Oh well.

  12. 192
    Steph

    I think feeling the way you do is important and if anything will help you weed out the “wrong” men. You’re exactly where you are supposed to be, just a little healthier.

  13. 193
    Rhoda

    Sorry.  I disagree.  Shallowness is a huge character flaw, and guys that can’t look past the packaging to the contents of the package are shallow.  Most men are.  You are wise to be careful.  The fact is, that a 5’6″ guy may not “get the girls” as easily as a 6′ guy, but guys ALWAYS have an easier time than women do.  An ugly, fat guy can usually still get dates.  The same does not hold true for women.  Not only that, women will face criticism for their appearance far more than men will.

  14. 194
    Indira Allfree

    my grandmother would tell my mom, that she wouldn’t find anyone to love her being fat. She has also told me the same thing.  

    My mother and her sisters and I all are over weight and have struggled with the self esteem to go with it.

    I had never thought about my weight until 2006, I felt like me and couldn’t see how big I was.   I found plenty of boyfriends to love me. I either didn’t love them, or they weren’t healthy relationships.  I’ve started my weightloss journey again..for the last  time last year. I figured out I ate emotionally and it was often around love or the lack of , or not being returned.  I am done eating because I don’t “have “. I needed a better relationship with food and myself before I could allow a man to.

    Earlier this year a guy I liked decided my neighbor/friend was what he would of rather have. It hit to the core, because I had a fwb tell me I had no self love.

     

    I am using this anger to work out every day, whatever it takes. I’m since over the dude and the fwb and not being chosen.

    It is my fault. No one ordered that pizza or ate those cookies

    I choose me first now always. I now have guys looking, treating me nicer, as well as the ladies.  Being overweight was a reflection of how I felt about myself. I am now loving myself. I care what I put in my mouth.

    I came here because I wondered if someone else had the same anxiety as I do about men. I use to be afraid of it, afraid of being left and the fat kept what I wanted away.

     

    I told my grandmother there’s plenty of men who like heavier women.  It isn’t the weight. It is me. I don’t want a man to accept my overweight body as it is. My body wasn’t making me happy, and I was depressed, and I needed a change , I didn’t want someone to eat along side me unconsciously. I want someone to care. So I care, and I want a healthy man, along with a healthy relationship, not based on looks, but on attraction and allowing that to happen. I cannot get what I want unless I rise up to meet them where they are.

     

     

  15. 195
    Lily

    I can understand Sandra completely. Like her, I used to be overweight (actually, even obese), than I lost a lot of weight and started living a healthy lifestyle, and suddenly I attract lots of attention, including the guys who knew me before. I find it really disgusting, but yes, the sad reality is, men are shallow. So, I expect, are lots of women. That’s why I intentionally wear loose and baggy clothing and no make-up when going on a date these days – at least then I can be somewhat sure that a guy doesn’t immediately consider me a trophy.

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