I Make $40K And My Girlfriend Never Offers To Pay For Anything

My Girlfriend Never Offers To Pay For AnythingHello Evan. I recently started dating a girl. I really enjoy her company and she enjoys mine. We get along fine, we’re really into each other and we share many commonalities. There’s only one issue – money! I have absolutely no problems taking her out on dates and footing the bill 100% but we’ve been on about 5 dates and we’ve hung out with mutual friends on numerous occasions, but she never even offers to pay – not even a disingenuous offer. I understand that if we are happy, then money is a small price to pay, but I barely finished college and only make $40,000 a year. I cannot afford to spend $200 every weekend. I mean, even when we’re not on dates, she expects me to pay. I don’t know how she got this old fashioned mindset, but it’s really starting to bug me. Personally, I work just as hard as she does for my money and I don’t find it fair but at the same time, I find it too early in the relationship to bring it up. I just don’t want her getting the idea that I’m ok with it or that she can take advantage.

 

I don’t even expect her to pay half. If we go out to dinner, I’ll pay for the date and the dinner, but the least she could do is pay for our ice cream or maybe buy me a single drink? I want to have that feeling, like if we’re at a bar and my girl comes up to me and asks me what I want. It’s like she has my back. It’s not about the cash- it’s more about being appreciated and not taken advantage of. I do not know how to approach the situation. I know she is going to explode if I bring it up, but how much of this should I take? I am not cheap, but at the same time, I am not made out of money. Does it make me a bad person to be thinking this way? I am somewhat of a liberal, progressive thinker, and her traditional mindset seems backwards to me. Advice? –David

We’ve established that men and women are equal.

Thank you, David, for writing a question that addresses the very hypocrisy of modern-day dating.

We’ve established that men and women are equal.

We’ve established that women are more highly educated and (often) make more money than their male counterparts.

We’ve established that the concept of men paying for dates came from a time when women didn’t work and therefore men HAD to pay.

Which leads this blog to receive comments that read like this:

“In our society, it has always been customary for a man to pay for a woman’s dinner. Men are wired to protect, and take care of a woman. If he doesn’t want to pay for dinner that is a glimpse into his character and/or how he was raised. Any self-respecting woman should steer clear of such a man. It doesn’t matter if she has decided not to see him again before she even picks up her fork. If he is a gentlemen, he will gladly pay and expect nothing in return.”

Anyone who feels that way should go back and read David’s letter.

Stop acting like you’re six-years-old and don’t have a purse with cash and credit cards in it.

This is a liberal, progressive thinker – a good man of modest means – who is trying to do the “right thing” and pick up the check as the anachronistic rules of chivalry still dictate.

He’s not railing against the concept of picking up the tab while he’s courting her – he’s just annoyed that he feels taken for granted. And when a woman never reaches for the check, offers to split, or insists on picking up the tip, the cab, or the coffee afterwards, it can really start to wear on a guy.

I am a man. You are a woman. You are not poor or helpless or dependent.

So stop acting like you’re six-years-old and don’t have a purse with cash and credit cards in it.

Stop acting like he should be thrilled to drain his account in hopes that he might procure a good night kiss.

Stop acting like you’re not really his equal when you want to be treated equally in every other respect.

As I said here, if we can agree it’s in good form for a man to pick up the check while courting you, we should also be able to agree that it’s in good form for a woman to offer to split the check and/or insist on picking up the check while he’s courting you.

If you think it’s rude when men don’t pay, we think it’s rude when you assume we will pay.

It’s basic golden-rule stuff, y’all.

I’m not expecting much dissent on this one, but if you’re brave enough to explain why the original poster David is wrong, cheap, or short-sighted, have at it.

Personally, I think he speaks for just about every man I’ve ever met who got sick of being an ATM.

Here was my breaking point – when some woman intimated that she was my “sugar mama” after I allowed her to split the check on our fourth date.

And you think that women are the only ones who get burned out on dating…

 

 

 

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Comments:

  1. 271
    jj

    My woman runs hot and cold.  Sometimes, she wants to be treated, and other times she wants to pay.  Since I make a more than she does, I’m fine with whatever, as long as it’s not like I’m being drained of money.  If I made more, she’d spend more, LOL.  As long as I can put some away for retirement, it’s all fine.

  2. 272
    NonExist

    My preference is that the woman and I go dutch or 50/50 until we decide that we want to be exclusive or not.
    And then after that we can go more on flow.
    Now where I live this is considered cheap to most of the women I meet so after adopting that rule I got less dates.
    But I feel better splitting it because of the principle. 

    Mainly because my generosity  is reserved for those whose actions have proven they deserve it.  And if we agree to a relationship by that time I will know. 

  3. 273
    JayRock

    I know I’ll probably catch some heat for saying this, but it sounds like this woman, David’s ex-girlfriend, has some self worth issues. It’s sounds like the only way that she can validate her own self worth is through how much men are willing to pay for her in a relationship. The very fact that she thought that this is what an “adult relationship” looks like also seems to present an immature outlook on relationships in general. I dated someone for two years (we’re just friends now) and even though I paid for most of the meals I did so not out of expecting something in return or because it was the socially perseved “thing to do”, but because I simply wanted to. And whenever she wanted to pay for something I had no problem with it. Money or splitting the bill just wasn’t that important to me. I just liked being in her company. How much you spend on someone should never delineate to how much you care for them. Maybe I’m being a little judgemental but I think that this woman really needs to do some soul searching and to create some realistic standards for herself before she goes back out into the dating scene.     

  4. 274
    Heather

    I like that my man pays for the dates, and does stuff but I happily offer to pay and treat him just as well. I may not have as much as he does, financially but I offer what I can. A relationship isn’t a one way street. Also, the old days are gone, and while it’s wonderful to have someone wanting to always pick up the tab, you should be willing to offer if anything. Most guys will shoot you down if you offer to pay. 

    I just wish the old courtesies of holding a door open for a lady. (My man does, but I’m just saying a lot don’t anymore from my observations). 

  5. 275
    kash

    I think if a man does not have a lot of money he should not take a woman to the expensive restaurant, after all what matters is time spent together not a place. Be inventive, make some sandwiches, bottle of wine and have a picnic, take her for a walk and grab sth small to eat when you get hungry etc…. If expensive dinners are the only things to offer that means maybe that man does not think he is good enough. Not all WOMEN need to go to the expensive restaurant, most of us would love to do sth different, and doing active things together are better fun and better bonding opportunities. YEs men should pay for a date – but believe me most women dont expect to do expensive nights out! Be inventive that will make a woman think that her life with you will not be boring!!!! And if she cannot appreciate simple dates with the sandwiches then maybe she is not a woman for you, simple as that. 

  6. 276
    D

    I think that paying on the first and second, possibly third date, shows generosity and care about the girl, rather than wimpy stinginess.  If men often are “in the moment” and don’t verbally express interest and investment, it shows me they don’t care about me AT ALL if they don’t offer to pay on these dates.  I think very often women don’t know their worth and, unfortunately, in my experience I worried and shvitzed about not ordering the expensive thing on the menu, fake offering or real offering to pay, if we get drinks or dessert that I suggest afterward offering to pay and actually paying for that… and all this worry didn’t do me any good.  I concentrated less on whether the guy actually valued me in any way. 
    If you don’t have a lot of money, pick a restaurant or venue that is not very expensive, but still cool.  There are a lot of those in cities.  You know that Hindu temple where you can get a dosa that is pretty cheap?  Or the new, hip ramen or taco place?  Create a cheaper date.  You don’t have to spend 200 bucks.  Or, if the girl spends the weekend, don’t get brunch. 
    I think after the fourth or fifth date, it’s okay to split.  And the girl should seriously offer.  It kind of sucks when she doesn’t.  Patti Stanger encourages women to at least cook a meal or invite to an event or somehow show non-monetary appreciation, but in my experience, flashing my credit card has been a boner-killer..

  7. 277
    D

    Ron Diggity, I think you are the same guy who lambasts women if they “reward” a man with sex too early.  Are you not?  So how is dating not legal prostitution if you decide to keep those gender roles intact?  If she is too easy to get, then it’s not worth the monetary/temporal challenge right?
    The thing is, yes, both women and men have different needs and are guilty of wanting contradictory things.  For instance, the virgin/whore dichotomy, the woman has to be attractive, but not be distracted by other men, a lady on the street, but a freak in the bed, but not too freaky, she has to give up sex or the investment isn’t worth it, but not be too hard to get.  A woman claims to want a nice, intelligent, normal guy but is really, really attracted to a brash, confident, a-holey, challenging man in a way that might even piss her off.
    And just the same, a woman wants to be treated like an equal member of society not a girly child/sexy jezebel, but at the same time wants a man that will show her he values her in a masculine way.  And that means paying for meals and, depending on the woman, opening the door, and such things. 
    I think that, and this bugs me, dating is about exchange of value.  You want to create a shared bond that you mutually value.  So you invest something, tangible and intangible.  Having sex too soon might jeopardize the bond that the woman was trying to create with you.  Have sex too late and you will say “I invested money” (and guess what, if you aren’t spending money, you will still complain about the wasted TIME) “or all that time I could have had another piece on the side.”  Either way, a woman could get seriously hurt.  So I think, if she’s been agreeing to see you and you’ve been the one initiating all the dates, that is also something, if you are the one in the driver’s seat as far as continuing the relationship, this is another exchange.  If she is agreeing to date you and appears invested and interested, that means she probably wants to build something more.  So I think with women there is that dichotomy, we immediately have more to lose because, if we want you around, we want to build something.

  8. 278
    Sus

    Maybe I am old fashioned, Or perhaps it was the dating manners my Mother instilled in me. I was taught good manners dictated that a woman should never order the most pricey entree’s on the menu, additionally to be gentle re: running up the bill. 
    I noticed that has not been mentioned in the column or the replies. Just a little food for thought.
    With that said, I always offer to leave tip, pay for a round of drinks etc.

  9. 279
    Thuy-An

    This is just me my thought. I don’t pay for date when we’re in the dating stage. I drop all men that request or mention that I should pay. Once he request me to pay for some or all of date, I might pay. after that he won’t see me again. I want to feel that he’s financially secure and that he’s not cheap with his woman when comes to money. If there is sign of tightness/complain/judging me/cheapness, I feel that there will be constantly fight over money of who pay for what… later on in the relationship. That’s a no no for me. If he shows that I deserve all and no matter what he’s not cheap with me in any way, that make me feel special. If he has other traits that I like also, makes me fall in love with him we end up in a long term in relationship, at that time it doesn’t matter to me who pay for who. Once I know the man doesn’t mind to spend money on me and not cheap with him, I don’t mind to buy the world for him later on in the relationship.

    I feel men shouldn’t go out on date on when they don’t have money spend to prevent any disappointment they get from woman and themselves. But if they being smart about it and be up front with the girl from the beginning of their situation. Never say anything negative about themselves though. that shows lack of desire and confident. it’s a turn off. Instead say I have been working hard to get my degree (if your in school) and/or working hard at my job to reach my financial goals. I’m not there yet but I’ll be…. I want a woman that would go with me in my journey and support her just like I’d support her journey…. Be creative make plans to do thing that’s not require expensive money. Don’t ask the girl what she want to do. Be in control and give her a few inexpensive option of your choices to choose from. Don’t say that’s it’s cheaper to do that or this. Say that you enjoy doing these things…. This show to me that you’re a hard worker and you spend your money wisely. If you like the girl much once in a while you have extra money, show that you’re excited about it and take her on a expensive date. this will make her feel special.
    if the girl doesn’t like to do the thing you like to do or like that fact that you don’t have a lot of money, then you can tell that she might be at a stage that she want to be with a man that is more stable man, has his career more established , might not mean that she’s a gold digger or she might, or she just simply not into you for some other reason(s) and you not being financial stable confirm her decision…

    I’m writing this from my own thought and experience. This only fit for me, or might fit with other female too. I’m not putting any men or women down. This is just my own opinion. Please don’t reply with hate response if you don’t agree with me. Thank you.

  10. 280
    Sean

    I havethe exact same problem david, every time we go out, even if she suggests it i always end up fronting the check, and she has become so used to it now (after being together for 3 years) that sometimes she doesnt even bring her purse with her anymore and when i did finaly say (in a joking kind of way) why don’t you treat me next time she just said “because you don’t like it when i pay and won’t let me” i just thought well why don’t you try one time and we will find out! And then she asks why we don’t go out loada like her friends do, I’m a student at university and when I’m not living away i have almost no money yet don’t want to look cheap and tight. 

  11. 282
    Bill

    If a woman asks me out and expects me to pay on the first few dates she is history. If I ask a woman out, then I pay on the first few dates. However, if after those first dates she never offers, she’s history. Entitlement has no place in my life.

  12. 283
    Fiona

    Kate, I would just ignore that article. it is just scaremongering. Someone who expects you to keep up with a lifestyle you can’t afford isn’t much of partner. Most people aren’t going to be like that. Personally, if a man doesn’t offer to pay on date one that tells me he is not much of a gentleman and no great loss. After that going Dutch is ok but if someone wanted me to do something I couldn’t afford I would say so. If they were going to dump me over it, I’d see it as a lucky escape. But honestly it’s never happened and I doubt it is really common place.

  13. 284
    j

    Evan, I agree.  But I think the larger point to be made here is that this is an early test of communication in David’s relationship.  He needs to let her know (preferably gently and maybe even with a sense of humor) what he needs from her and desires from her; if he’s afraid to raise the issue, will he be willing or able to address other issues as they (inevitably) come up?  And will she be willing to respond calmly and work with him?  If they can’t work this out, . . . ?  I think this presents a great opportunity to find out whether she’s worthy of not only David’s purse, but his heart.  
    (Seriously, David, if she explodes, RUN!!!!)

  14. 285
    LOLWAT

    We’ve established that women are more highly educated and (often) make more money than their male counterparts.
    LOL

  15. 286
    Philly Ashley

    @ Thuy-An… 

    I agree with you 100%. Once in an established, committed relationship I will pay for my man with no hesitation. I’ve taken boyfriends on vacations, purchased expensive gifts, etc. But that’s AFTER he’s won my heart. He wins my heart by courting me and showing me he values me and my time. Any man who doesn’t want to pay for dating… who knows how his cheapness will manifest itself in other ways. This is a man who will always put himself first, he’ll probably be stingy with his heart and time as well. How can a man like this be a good partner?

    Let me clarify that I’m not expecting him to pay $200 per date. More like $50-75 per evening for a low cost meal & a movie. I don’t even drink, so that’s not an issue. And I’m only expecting to be taken out once per week. David says they’ve been on 5 dates, this is still early in the courting process. My opinion, he should be paying, but just not that much. She should not expect you to live beyond your means, but you should be willing to make some kind of investment in her if you want to be with her and see a future together. Now 6 months from now if she’s never offered to pay or said “Honey, let’s stay in this weekend and I’ll make you dinner”, I’d say good-bye at that point. Its about give and take. Early on though its the man that gives, that’s just reality. And if she’s a real woman, she will repay you tenfold in the future.

    I am by no means a gold digger. I work two jobs, own my home and a car. So I’m picky. No need to scrape the bottom of the barrel with a guy who is too cheap to pay for dates. I’d rather be alone than with a cheap man. Unfortunately cheap men are everywhere, just like the zombies in the Walking Dead. I can’t leave my house without fleeing one. Just the other day I was getting take out and the guy behind me asked “Want to treat me to dinner?” Seriously, they’re everywhere.

  16. 287
    Jules

    Well here is one to shake the boots off any man.. I just added up the other day that in the last year I have spent over 40,000 dollars on my girlfriend (including a $5000 engagement ring) and she has spent a total of about a hundred bucks on me…. one sweater and a scaff…. I have taken her to Paris, flown her to Australia and bought her lots of nice things paid for nice hotels and I don’t think she has even thanked me once for it. I told her the other day that if I never met her I would of had enough spare cash to buy a new BMW and she laughed! OMG!
    All these expenses are really starting to irritate me now.. she expects me to pay for our whole wedding and I am not sure what to do….I do make more money than her but I am not super rich.. I would just like some appreciation for my hard work… it seams that she will just be a financial black hole on my bank account forever??? confused…. one part of me thinks I’ve spent too much now to change my mind.. but then if I dont she might cost me even more?? god damn women!

  17. 288
    Maggie

    Jules- It’s called SUNK COST :) 
    Look it up.

  18. 289
    cristina

    It’s clear to me: as a woman, I feel MUCH MORE SECURE AND COMFORTABLE with a man when he pays, plans dates, etc. The most attractive fact in a man is being a good provider and taking the initiative.
    But, from my experience, men don’t mind paying, which they actually hate is that you take for granted that they HAVE to pay. No! I think it’s better to offer to pay for the taxi, or buy him an icecream, or give him a little present. And it is very important to really APPRECIATE the dinners, cinema, or any plans the man has made or pay for!!!! If you really appreciate the fact that he is paying or the plans he makes for you, men usually don’t mind paying.

  19. 290
    Paul

    I am a chinese man.   I think men should give more on a relationship than women.   Becasue
    1) Men are stronger than women physically and mentally.   Men are able to work harder than women.  
    2) Men only have to work to make money and don’t have to give birth.   But women not only have to work to make money and also have to give birth.   Giving birth is stressful and painful experience for women.   They have to suffer sickness for 9 monthes and painful during labor and also their body might change after birth.

    Therefore, men should give more on a relationship than women, men should not mind pay more than women.   Men have to show their women that they are stronger than them and able to take care of them and generous for the loved one and make them feel love and secure.

  20. 291
    Alex D.

    I feel badly for all the men who have been abused for their chivalry. It isn’t right, especially if the woman knows the relationship isn’t developing into anything serious or she’s just keeping him around to have something to do. What happens here is that “this woman” ruins it for the quality women who don’t expect more than the man can or is willing to pay and are happy to evolve into 50/50 relationships. That’s me, not her.
    Sadly, my experience for the last several years has been the complete opposite. I’m an attractive, moderately successful women in her mid-30s…and have not been taken out to dinner or treated to anything in all that time. It does nothing for my self-worth and esteem. To make matters worse, I’m not expecting to go somewhere expensive…somewhere fun and a step above fast-food about once a month is all I require.
    It’s eluded me. The men are not just “Booty Calling” me either. They want a relationship but without having to spend a dime, take me out or anything. Worse yet, if I suggest we go to a movie or I finally get so exasperated that I suggest we got out to eat–I pay because it was MY idea. It starts off by going Dutch and then little by little I pay more until I pay for both of us (meanwhile he demands my time so I work less–a double whammy to the pocketbook).
    Almost 95% of the men I “date” go from a coffee, to maybe a round of drinks, a smattering of dates to events that I treat them to because I get free tickets to local events and then they pull the “Let me cook for you at my place” routine and the fun stops there. Of course, unless I provide it.
    I’d like to say I just hit a rough patch of cheapskates but I think the attitude right now from men is do as little as possible and have the woman do everything. There are plenty of male-dating advice sites to this effect. Google it. I did and if this is the mindset then nothing I do or don’t do can change this pervasive selfishness.
    The men usually let me know early on that they’ve been “burned’ before by women doing what this poster complains about so I’m put in a tough spot. If I ask for more, they accuse of me being too demanding. If I stay mum and let time go by, determining on whether or not it is situational due to the economy, etc. I have 100% been treated to nothing and eventually become deeply resentful.
    When I finally, nudge them, present the opportunity for them to step up, or flat out tell them this is too one-sided they act like I’m being selfish.
    I’m not asking for gifts or anything that puts the man out. But they always have money for their gadgets, phones and 300+ cable subscription but cry poverty on me. I don’t sexually blackmail or play games. I simply sit back and observe and after a couple of months move on, frustrated.
    The men also treat me like Pavlov’s dog. I have to reach a certain standard whereby their needs are met before they’ll do anything remotely considerate or giving for me. But try to hold them to a standard and they balk like babies.
    And when I do leave they actually act surprised, hurt and angry. I guess because they had it so good from a completely selfish point of view on their part but I’d like a man to take a small risk, ask me out and take me to dinner. I have to wonder how restaurants are staying open.

    1. 291.1
      Laura

      Alex D. – I enjoyed reading your post because I thought you brought out a lot of insights about why this attitude is so detrimental to our society. Women are equal to men. Yes, we are. But, we are not the same. And, unfortunately, it’s gotten to a point where men are no longer respectable. It’s a slippery slope. Sure, this time, she’s expected to pay the tip, next time, it’s the bill. Pretty soon, men take advantage and learn that they can get away with it instead of acting like men and treating you like a lady. They learn there are women out there who will change their diapers and wipe their ass while they play xbox. It’s just disgusting the whiny children men have turned into in this culture. Take initiative men! It’s sexy. We like men who are masculine and romantic and plan and pay for stuff. It’s a turn on! Again, it’s not about how much money you spend, it’s about that you spend within your means and make plans to make us feel special. I promise, with the right woman, your efforts will come back 100-fold if you plant that garden. A quality woman doesn’t have to give to you financially to make your life richer and more awesome than you ever thought.

    2. 291.2
      tamara

      Hi Alex, I don’t think u should blame other women for some men lacking chivalry on dates; their bad behaviour is on them, not on other women.
       
      I think u should let men pay on the first few dates. This is what I’ve been taught since young. Don’t go dutch on that first date, it will ruin things subsequently. If the guy doesn’t ask u out again because of that, hey it’s his loss, and u won’t have to waste anymore time with him. U have to have faith that there are guys who will be happy to spend money to take u out.

  21. 292
    adam

    I think relationships are a 2 way thing I have been out of work for a few months and could not find a job all the money i had comeing paid the bills on our flat only just tho.my girlfriend would do the shopping.
    During this time when we have gone out for dinner she has paid on tuesday this week i have a job to start as soon as i get paid i will be takeing her out somewhere nice she supports me though the bad times and i do my very best to support her.sometimes i will pay sometimes she will its a 2 way thing in a relationship.
    Talk to her if she realy likes you then she will understand if she blows up then is there going to be a future for you 2 this is a small thing. what will happen when you live together.Think about it?

  22. 293
    Bill

    Wow, look at all the entitled women on this site. It’s all about what the man can do for them. And this in an age of supposed “equality” that feminism demanded. No wonder men no longer want to pay for you. They’ve been burned by goldiggers who have given the rest of you a bad name. And from the looks of it on this message board, I see a lot of goldiggers. Men stay far far away from this entitlement mentality.

  23. 294
    Sophia

    I believe men should pay. Why do you think there are so many divorces in North America? As much as I love my independence, I cannot take away the masculinity from my boyfriend. And he will never take away my femininity from me.  Men want to be men. However, if he makes double than what I make, of course he’s going to pay.  If we make the same, then we both pay our own or take turns paying on dates. On special occasions, he pays and buys me gifts. I buy him gifts too. Traveling? He pays. I pay the gas/baggage fees. I buy furnishings for the home, cookware for the kitchen, home accessories, equipment to get the job done such as lawn mowers. We pay for our own cars, if we have our own car.  Rent/Mortage/Groceries/Bills he pays. Usually, the income that a wife makes is her money. Also, joint accounts should not be done until after 30 years of marriage, this includes credit cards. The wife can contribute minimally, but it is the man’s job to look after most of the costs. Money is a big issue and if you don’t talk to her at this early stage of the relationship, you’re in for a roller coaster. If she doesn’t share your thoughts on money, than she’s not the one for you.

  24. 295
    Michael

    Men like to pay for dinner. It is part of what makes us feel like men. THAT said it is harder and harder to want to do, at least with American women to be honest. Why? Because most that I have dated (as compared with say Russian, French, South American, etc) women don’t appreciate either the gesture or dynamic. If they say thanks at all is is the same thanks I get from Amex when I pay my bill i.e. it was clearly an obligation. But it wasn’t. It was a gesture I made as a gentleman, to a lady, and gladly. The women who say thanks as if it made them happy  to be treated as a lady are the ones I will ask out again.  The ones that expect me to pay, to hold doors, to  walk on the outside, to walk them home and protect them from harm, to give them the seat at the bar, and run out into the rain and hail a cab but have no idea how to treat me like a man in return are the ones I avoid at all costs.

    So I don’t mind and in fact enjoy women they appreciate being paid for, say thanks in a way that warms my heart as much as my paying warmed hers and in general understant the reciprocal dozens of things a lady does to treat a man right. Somehow this reciprocal behavior/expecation comes off as chauvanistic because we’ve as a society largely decided to retain only one part of that relationship.

    I’ll take her word on it that Sophia is one of those women that knows what masculinity and femininity suggest and oblige in a relationship. I’ll even go so far as to say one reason relationships do not work these days is because those primal relationships/interactions have been largely removed from dating into some gender-neutral politcaly correct landscape (where the man still pays of course) that makes creating that amazing dynamic next to impossible. Me, I pretty much limit myself these days to dating European women. No offfense to my American ‘sisters’ I just think you’ve been sold or bought a bill of goods that can never work. 

  25. 296
    lisalin

    Too bad, I suspect the writer is too young for me. Here is the simple answer: stop making each meeting about going out and spending money somewhere. You don’t mention your GF’s income, so it is impossible to tell whether she makes 15K a year and is supporting two children.
    Nonetheless, if you don’t want to be a financial knight, then stop it right now. Be who you are and don’t make it about whether she should pick up a tab either. Instead, make it about being financially responsible so let’s make dinner together, or just do it!, and arrange external date nights for about once a month if that is comfortable for you.
    If your girl bolts when you stop playing Midas, then it was not a good match. Why don’t guys get this? Instead they make like all women are gold diggers when they have really set themselves up from the beginning. Be honest. I’d love to take you to dinner every night. But I want a house and children someday, too, so let’s eat in and rent a movie. Unless you are set on the prima donnas, this will work!!
     

  26. 297
    Irina

    Personally I prefer to split the bill 50-50 on the first few dates.
    When I meet someone for a first time, I don’t know how the date will turn out. I do not want to feel indebted to a person I might turn out not to like or respect. But after a few dates, if we know each other, like each other (wouldn’t continue to date them otherwise, ofcourse), but also know a bit about each other’s situation in life, I would feel comfortable treating a date or accepting him to pay for me. In proportion to what each of us can spend. For example, at this moment I have a full-time job, while my boyfriend is a student. We do alternate paying on dates, but I take him out to a restaurant, while he treats me to a date to a movie theatre or a pizza place. My previous boyfriend was working, and I was still studying at that time. So he was the one who payed for the more expensive dates and we were both fine with that.
    I understand that some men might feel more comfortable paying the bill, and some women see it as a sign of generosity. I believe that it’s a bit strange to expect only the man to show generosity. Both man and woman have the opportunity to become acquainted with a new person and should be greatful for that! And spending (reasonably large sums of) money on people you hardly know does not come across as generous to me, it comes across as being financially unwise.
    But hey, I’m from the Netherlands. We invented ‘going Dutch’. :-)
    I believe the OP made the right decision by breking up with his girlfriend. Hope he finds a wonderful lady, who enjoys his company, not spending his money. :-)

  27. 298
    Sparkling Emerald

    David – $200 every weekend ? What is going on, is she expecting you to pay her utilities or something ? Really couldn’t tell from you letter, if you guys are exclusive, or are just dating, (you did refer to her as a gf) but if she’s a gf, you should tell her how you fell about all this. You also said she would “explode” if you brought any of this up. I think the “exploding” part is a bigger issue than the $ part. If you can’t tell her what’s on her mind for fear of her temper, she just doesn’t seem like good LTR material to me.

  28. 299
    Kristen

    I find this an interesting question because dating is very, well dated.  In my personal opinion the guy should pay the whole first date, yes everything.  I don’t want to go somewhere super fancy it would make me uncomfortable but the guy allows the girl to pay on the first date its usually a sign of future extreme cheapness.  I had a guy take me to a comedy club around $15 a ticket.  It was improv so I offered to buy us drinks at the bar, he made a crack about me needing a drink and was eager to take me up on my offer.  It turned out that the bar only served coffee so we couldn’t get a drink.  After the show he then suggested we find a bar to get drinks, we got to the bar and he gave me his order.  It didn’t bother me at the time, I had offered drinks and even though it was after my initial offer I was willing to buy and we had a good time.  Our second date he drove and asked for money for parking, once we got to our date an outdoor all day concert (I paid his entrance) and I found out he brought no money where its common sense to have cash on you.  The ATMs happened to not be working that day and he had no issue taking money from me the whole date.  I felt so dirty after the date that I tried to break it off with him when he sensed that he may he done something wrong at our concert date and asked me out to coffee and slipped my a twenty for my troubles.  Yes, that was our last date. 

  29. 300
    Ed

    As a guy, you should do what makes you feel right. If you feel good about paying all the time, then you will have no trouble as women will let you go on and pay 9 times out of 10. But if you want your date to foot her bill some or all of the time, grow a pair and tell her sooner than later. That’s always been my mistake as I let it go on and get resentful. If you communicate what you want, not only will you get what you want, but you will also get respect from her. And if she balks at paying for her half, she’s not a keeper anyway and you won’t have to sink time and money into finding this out. 

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