I Make $40K And My Girlfriend Never Offers To Pay For Anything

My Girlfriend Never Offers To Pay For AnythingHello Evan. I recently started dating a girl. I really enjoy her company and she enjoys mine. We get along fine, we’re really into each other and we share many commonalities. There’s only one issue – money! I have absolutely no problems taking her out on dates and footing the bill 100% but we’ve been on about 5 dates and we’ve hung out with mutual friends on numerous occasions, but she never even offers to pay – not even a disingenuous offer. I understand that if we are happy, then money is a small price to pay, but I barely finished college and only make $40,000 a year. I cannot afford to spend $200 every weekend. I mean, even when we’re not on dates, she expects me to pay. I don’t know how she got this old fashioned mindset, but it’s really starting to bug me. Personally, I work just as hard as she does for my money and I don’t find it fair but at the same time, I find it too early in the relationship to bring it up. I just don’t want her getting the idea that I’m ok with it or that she can take advantage.

 

I don’t even expect her to pay half. If we go out to dinner, I’ll pay for the date and the dinner, but the least she could do is pay for our ice cream or maybe buy me a single drink? I want to have that feeling, like if we’re at a bar and my girl comes up to me and asks me what I want. It’s like she has my back. It’s not about the cash- it’s more about being appreciated and not taken advantage of. I do not know how to approach the situation. I know she is going to explode if I bring it up, but how much of this should I take? I am not cheap, but at the same time, I am not made out of money. Does it make me a bad person to be thinking this way? I am somewhat of a liberal, progressive thinker, and her traditional mindset seems backwards to me. Advice? –David

We’ve established that men and women are equal.

Thank you, David, for writing a question that addresses the very hypocrisy of modern-day dating.

We’ve established that men and women are equal.

We’ve established that women are more highly educated and (often) make more money than their male counterparts.

We’ve established that the concept of men paying for dates came from a time when women didn’t work and therefore men HAD to pay.

Which leads this blog to receive comments that read like this:

“In our society, it has always been customary for a man to pay for a woman’s dinner. Men are wired to protect, and take care of a woman. If he doesn’t want to pay for dinner that is a glimpse into his character and/or how he was raised. Any self-respecting woman should steer clear of such a man. It doesn’t matter if she has decided not to see him again before she even picks up her fork. If he is a gentlemen, he will gladly pay and expect nothing in return.”

Anyone who feels that way should go back and read David’s letter.

Stop acting like you’re six-years-old and don’t have a purse with cash and credit cards in it.

This is a liberal, progressive thinker – a good man of modest means – who is trying to do the “right thing” and pick up the check as the anachronistic rules of chivalry still dictate.

He’s not railing against the concept of picking up the tab while he’s courting her – he’s just annoyed that he feels taken for granted. And when a woman never reaches for the check, offers to split, or insists on picking up the tip, the cab, or the coffee afterwards, it can really start to wear on a guy.

I am a man. You are a woman. You are not poor or helpless or dependent.

So stop acting like you’re six-years-old and don’t have a purse with cash and credit cards in it.

Stop acting like he should be thrilled to drain his account in hopes that he might procure a good night kiss.

Stop acting like you’re not really his equal when you want to be treated equally in every other respect.

As I said here, if we can agree it’s in good form for a man to pick up the check while courting you, we should also be able to agree that it’s in good form for a woman to offer to split the check and/or insist on picking up the check while he’s courting you.

If you think it’s rude when men don’t pay, we think it’s rude when you assume we will pay.

It’s basic golden-rule stuff, y’all.

I’m not expecting much dissent on this one, but if you’re brave enough to explain why the original poster David is wrong, cheap, or short-sighted, have at it.

Personally, I think he speaks for just about every man I’ve ever met who got sick of being an ATM.

Here was my breaking point – when some woman intimated that she was my “sugar mama” after I allowed her to split the check on our fourth date.

And you think that women are the only ones who get burned out on dating…

 

 

 

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Comments:

  1. 301
    Sparkling Emerald

    Honey #7

    I will also add that during the “he paid for all going out” period, I did all the housework, grocery shopping, and cooking.  Now that he is going to be working from home, he’s going to do half of that stuff.
    ———————————-
    Thanks Honey for bringing that up.  I’ve seen the comment about how hypocritical women are for wanting equality in the work force, but expect a guy to pay for the first couple of dates.  I see the other hypocrisy, men who gladly marry or live with a woman who make a good salary, works 40 hours a week, pays a good portion of household expenses, but then expect her to handle all of the cooking, cleaning, shopping, picking up the kids etc.   I remember a former fiance of mine balked when I asked if he would clean up the kitchen if I cooked the meal.  (I never asked him to help with any other chore, just clean up when I cook, and clean up after himself when he made a snack on his own)  I also would also offer to do his laundry when I was doing mine.  But one day he opened his drawer and said, “I’m almost out of underwear, why haven’t you done the laundry yet ?”, so I told him, “Look, I’ll toss in any thing of yours when I’m doing my laundry, but I REFUSE to keep track of your clean clothes for you”. He then replied “Well my MOTHER always did my Dad’s laundry when HE needed it, and she cooked AND cleaned up afterwards”   I just replied, “Your mother stayed home, I work full time just like you, and I pay 50% of the bills.  However, if you are wiling to let me keep ALL of my paycheck, and you pay ALL of the bills, I’ll gladly to all the housework.”  He said he didn’t want to pay all of the bills, then he asked me “What does my mother have to do with any of this ?”  I told him, “I really don’t know, you were the one her brought her into this” He really expected me to pay half the bills & do 100% of housework. (but he did pay when we went out, but I paid for groceries since I shopped and cooked),   Eventually he started begrudgingly cleaning the kitchen after I cooked, but he just seemed to think that it’s what I should do, even tho I worked full time and paid half our living expenses.  Believe it or not, we stayed together a little bit after that, but eventually cold feet (4 of them) led to cancelling the wedding about a month before it was suppose to have  happened. (I lost a deposit on a wedding dress, but it was worth it.)  I felt like I dodged a bullet.

  2. 302
    Michelle

    I’ve always paid for half.  Be careful about how you phrase your answer as though you’re addressing all women.  It’s insulting.  I don’t know any women who expect to be paid for 100% of the time.  Every women I know, including myself, shares the cost of dates evenly with their partner.  I know a couple of women who actually financially support their boyfriends.  Aside from sharing the cost of dates equally, every women I know pays for 100% of their birth control.  Sometimes this is very costly, pills, condoms, IUD’s, emergency birth control and all other fertility control related doctor visits can become very expensive.  Where is the expectation of equity with regard to this issue?  I don’t think that men should have to pay for everything, or even more then half.  Most women do not have that expectation.  Evan, the tone of your response to this issue was very off putting.  You address women in general as though we’re a bunch of selfish thoughtless princesses.  This is not the case.  Most women would find the women mentioned in David’s question as off putting as he does. 

  3. 303
    Ed

    Michelle, I had to train my girlfriend who thought that I should pay for everything. She was accustomed to every guy she ever dated just doling it out whenever they stepped foot outside and did anything. Yea she whined and pouted at first when I balked at paying for her half, but she got used to it and likes the sense of independence it brings. Her excuses of “being old-fashioned” and “you make more money than I do” were ridiculous and she now realizes it. I just had to give her the ultimatum and she backed the hell off that crap. And your statement of “I’m not like that and most women aren’t like that” is silly. Most women are like that because most women either do get away with it or used to get away with it when they were young and attractive. Get over being offended at what the author wrote.

  4. 304
    Rose

    I pay half with my girlfriends not dates.
    If we are short of cash we do other fun things.
    It feels like friendship not romance if I pay.
    I feel happy to go on hikes, bike rides romantic walks, art galleries in the getting to know each other stage.
    If someone doesn’t want to take me on a date and isn’t looking for romance and is just looking for a equal buddy relationships then fine don’t ask me as I don’t want an equal 50/50 buddy relationship so we are not a match. no problem just sorts out the ones looking for romance from the ones looking for friendships or friends with benefits and I don’t want either of the latter.

  5. 305
    loveability

    Jlina,
    Hi, I wanted to totally validate you, that I don’t see any exaggeration in your maintenance costs. I was in shock at how reasonably you were able keep it. $200 a month. I don’t know many Manhattan ladies who would spend under $1000 a month (and that is without clothes). Plus I don’t know any who would be conscious enough to color there own hair (then be called exaggerators). I am saying this to put Evan in touch with some of the reality of his…strong successful women.
    Perhaps I am in an older (46yrs) demographic (where we need more help:) and in a more expensive location Manhattan. I am not complaining and I feel fortunate.
    I thought about what I did before before my last date. (Great date by the way)
    Blow dry $55  (Not counting the $260 color jobs plus tips every 8 weeks).
    Taxi $15
    Eyelash and Brow tint $45 (lasts 2 weeks)
    Eyebrow threading $10
    Manicure $30
    Massage $130  (Occasionally, if I had a tough day and want to relax before a date, I don’t usually do this.)
    Regular Maintenance not right before the date, however still there.
    Make up ?
    Skincare ? You don’t want to know…….
    Facial ?
    Dermatologist yearly, you don’t want to know……:)
    Haircuts and treatments every 8 weeks ?
    Waxing?
    This doesn’t even touch on clothes, handbags, shoes (variety of heel heights to cater for men 5ft 4in – 6ft 3in )
    Doesn’t touch on lingerie that makes us feel amazing or stockings ($8min might get 2-3 wears before a run).
    Dry cleaning ($16 a dress) or taking shoes to the boot makers to get re heeled.
    Scents in the form of perfumes and body creams……I think you mentioned $30? amazing I have a range of different scents for different moods I am feeling.
    You are a genius! If that is your budget and you keep to it well done and I bet you look amazing!
    I am fine and fortunate enough to be able to do this, I know it is appreciated by the men I have dated. I am not relating it to paying or not for dinner as it is my pleasure and choice. I felt the need to stand up for Jlina’s position, and maybe show some men who don’t know what is behind the scenes.

  6. 306
    JustMe

    loveability
     
    Reading through your list, there is quite a bit that a quy could claim just as easily.  Yearly cost of haircuts, clothes, shoes to look nice, shaving cream, cologne, etc.  I really don’t think you can count those at “dating” expenses.  Sorry

  7. 307
    AnnW

    Maybe the person suggesting the dinner, the movie, etc should pay?  Just a thought.  Everyone wants to go out every once in a while. 

  8. 308
    Sparkling Emerald

    Loveability – 318
       I couldn’t find the post you were responding to, but really, I don’t think women should count their bodily maintenance costs as part of the date. 
      I don’t know about you, but even when I am taking a break from dating, I don’t stop coloring my hair, wearing make-up, and neglecting my skin care.  I take pride in my appearance regardless of my dating or relationship status.  I wouldn’t ever think to count my beauty regiment as part of the cost of the date.  To me, that would feel like counting the cost of my food in between dates, because I have to stay alive in between dates.
      Maybe because I don’t live in a big city, I am rather floored by your expenses.  I used to think I was “high maintainence, but after reading your post, I am a slob by comparison.
      I usually color my own hair (mostly because I found a natural vegetable based one that I prefer), but when I do get my hair done, (weather cut, color or  conditioning treatment) I go to a beauty school.  The other stuff you listed, massages, facials mani-s, pedi-s, eybrow stuff, are things I treat myself to very occiasionally, and for my facials I will usually use a COUPON that I get from the beauty school I go to.  I can polish my own toe nails, but OCCASIONALLY I like to treat myself to a pedicure.  (I go to a real salon for that, because I don’t like the beauty school pedi-s)  As for waxing, I only do that if I am going on vacation where I will be spending lots of time in a bathing suit, a razor blade works fine the rest of the time)  I blow dry my own hair, unless it’s part of the hair cut & shampoo package (which I only get my hair shaped about every 8 weeks) 
      Clothes are my big splurge, and while I am frugal and shop sales and thrift stores, and use my employee discount (I work seasonally at a retail store) I buy LOTS of clothes.  But I don’t count as a dating expense, because I LOVE to Shop, I love clothes, shoes, and make up, and I think as an expense it could almost be counted as part of my “entertainment” budget instead of my clothing budget.  I love putting together a nice ensemble, and I  am constantly complimented by my co-workers on my style of dress. 
      I consider my bodily maintenance in the same category of my other expenses, they are MY expenses, I would have those expense weather I was dating/in a relationship or not.

  9. 309
    Brasilia

    how about something as simple as:  whoever asks, pays.  If a man asks a woman out, the man pays.  If a woman asks a man out, she pays.  You are going to see the same trend happen:  men will continue to pay for most dates because biologically, as they say, they are the hunters.  It is still taboo for a woman to ask men out as her “confidence” inevitably scares men away.  The moral of the story is, professional equality is not a proper frame of reference for sociological practices.  Trust me, there are tons of things women wish they could “fix” about men.  In this case, it’s almost refreshing to know that men wish they could “fix” things too.  Good luck.

  10. 310
    Georgia

    Open communication is important. Be honest to her in what you feel. Maybe she feels that you’re in charge or that her father or brothers always pay for the woman. talk to her and there you will find if she’s a bitch or another old fashioned girl who just doesn’t have a clue that the guy she is dating is suffering. You cannot expect her to know what you’re thinking or feeling. If she likes you very much then she will understand and adjust her views. If she’s just one of the nasty women who suck men’s money in an expensive date, then you will know. Goodluck!

  11. 311
    Chris

    My girlfriend doesn’t even make me coffee when I stay there on the weekends. And I pay for everything.  The prixxx e of coffee and eggs is so cheap.

  12. 312
    Mei

    First, I want to say this for Evan.  It sucks for men to feel under appreciated or taken advantage of when they date women who are not generous in showing gratitude and reciprocity.  It must feel lousy to blow hard earned money on a date who doesn’t think twice about his efforts.  It is understandable why men might, at some point in their dating lives, not be as generous as they might have been if they feel they’ve been used in the past.  
    I’m here to understand men and while I do try to put myself in men’s shoes, there are still issues I don’t understand about the dynamics of paying on a date.  I may be the anomaly, but more often than not, men who I have dated do not pay for the date. 

    I always go to a date ready to pay my share.  I try to enjoy the date instead of fixating about who pays.  However, given I was burned by the last guy I dated, I’m not sure if I’m the one who is being taken advantage of for always being ready to pay my share.  This guy always accepted my offer to split half and I have been understanding in believing that he is just not in a good financial position for the time being.  However, I found out from a woman I introduced him to that he took her out and was willing to pay for her in full.  This speaks volume for his character and I never answered his call again.  While this should be an isolated event, I look in retrospect and see that most men I’ve dated DO NOT pay for me whether on the first date or even if we have been dating a while.  In fact, there were more than a handful to times when the man pockets the change for a split check or actually take money out of my hands (as I retrieve my share of change) because he claimed to be short on money!

    I gather that most men (and women) think I do well for myself because I don’t discuss my woes, financial or otherwise, but it’s not as if I don’t have money matters to worry about either.  Evan, what I want to understand is what men see in me that makes them not want to pay.  Plus, how one could maintain a classy attitude yet let men know  that I, like him, do have fiscal issues at hand as to preempt being taken advantage of. 

    Smart, strong, successful women out there – Do men pay most of the time and I’m just really unlucky?

  13. 313
    Scott

      I had no Idea that so many people had the same views that I did on dating. When my girlfriend and I started dating, I was renting a cheap apartment, and she was going through a divorce and had some finance problems. I did not mind paying for everything, because I could afford it and knew that she could not.  Now she has more than 10 times the money, in the bank than I do. She collects child support from her x, and I have purchased a house and my payments have more than doubled. She still expects me to pay for everything including her daughters admittance into movies and her meals as well as other things. Not sure what she is thinking. We get along great in every other factor. i love her and feel she is my soulmate, but not sure how to explain it to her.
     
     
     
     

  14. 314
    Farmer

    I have been in a relationship for almost 2 years, just like most of you mentioned we get along fine, However there is one unsolved issue and that is her expectation for me to pay all the time we had talked about it a few times and she is very sensitive when this subject comes up she flat out told me that this is every mans responsibility and she often mentioned that guys that she handout with in the past always paid. and so she things that i am acting cheap. two weeks ago i brought the subject up again while we were on the phone and after few minutes into the conversation she hangup on me and she has not called since and i didn’t call her either, the bottom line is this is a land of 50/50 i believe that both man and woman work as hard and if they are together then they should be together for everything. the funny thing is that she would pay if she is out with friends and her cousins but not with me that’s what s not registering in my head. thx

  15. 315
    Henriette

    Evan, I appreciate bringing our attention to how many men view the expectation of them paying for dates.   You are doing us women a huge favour by giving us a window into the male psyche; I’m sorry that the comment section has focused on other issues.  
     
    I am deeply grateful that so many women are able to get great educations, earn our own money and make choices about how to live our lives.  I can absolutely understand how it might be perplexing for men to see the financial strides women have made in the past decades while still holding on to ideas like, “the wife’s salary is <her money> while the husband’s salary is <family money.>”  
     
    I complain that in my Canadian city, men don’t ask women out very much and that they tend to expect sex quite soon.  But seeing it from the male perspective  outlined above, I can see why.  Some girls expect a guy to pay a lot for dates and to KEEP paying well into the relationship; 1st dates rarely lead to full-fledged relationships; our society is growing less polite so some women don’t even bother to show gratitude for men paying… all of these factors could certainly make men shrug and view dating as a “racket.”
     
    And, yeah.  A good point was made in ONE comment above: how about women supporting and being impressed by guys being fiscally responsible?  What’s the point of a boyfriend spending $200 on fun times every weekend if that takes away from him to saving for an apartment, creating a robust Emergency Fund or even donating to charity?  It feels like our modern media holds up men who live large and shower women with bling are held up as ideal rather than men who live within their means, who understand that frugal can still be fun, who think it’s more romantic to plan for an affordable future together than spoil a woman with a lifestyle he can’t actually pay for.
     
    Ladies: let’s show a little compassion & gratitude to men, shall we?!  We mightn’t always have an easy path but admit it; neither do they.
     

  16. 316
    John

    Scott #326
    “She still expects me to pay for everything including her daughters admittance into movies and her meals as well as other things. Not sure what she is thinking.”
     
    She is thinking that she is dating a guy who doesn’t have very many options and therefore she can reap the financial benefits of dating someone who is below her league. Since you are putting up with this crap, perhaps you should be asking yourself what it is that YOU are thinking.

  17. 317
    Turnitaround

    A goodway to test women is to just take her out for a drink. I never get why guys invest so much effort trying to court women. Obviously you pay for the drinks and next time out, take her for dinner and ask if she will split the bill. It’s early in the relationship, why put so much effort in and why waste so much money.
    Turn the tables around and test her. If she is not willing the invest financially in the relatioship, find someone else.
    Also, you can pretty much get a scope of what women are like by just talking to them. What is their opinion on such and such? Does her core values match those of yours?
    Women will pick up the tab if she likes you. I once met with a girl for dinner (I had already aten, oops) and when the bill came she looked at me expecting me to pay. I told the waitress to give it to her (I didn’t order anything) then ended up sleeping with her that night.

  18. 318
    Sparkling Emerald

    Turnitaround #331 – Sounds like you frequent the PUA sites, which routinely accuse and deride women for “shit testing” men.  So why is it OK to “shit test” women?  If you are reluctant to spend money early in the relationship, there is plenty of free stuff you can do.  I have no problem with free dates.  In fact there is so much free stuff (concerts, festivals, art walks) going on in my area that is  more fun than dinner some 5 star restaurant.  I list in my profile that I enjoy art walks, concerts in the park, etc, and it is pretty well known around here that this stuff is free. So any man who contacts me should already know that I am not looking for him to be my ATM machine/meal ticket.  I don’t expect a man meeting me for the first time to spend exhorbitant amounts of money on me, but if I suspect that they are “shit testing” me as you do, that first meeting would be our last.  Now that I am getting closer to making my divorce legal, I am really going to have to tighten my belt financially.  (probably get roommates, and start working my second job year round)  If a guy doesn’t want to pay for me, or is fairly low income as I am,  then I would prefer to spend time hiking, biking, free festivals in the park, etc.  Even as a single woman, I have had to cut way back on how much I spend going to meet-ups, meeting with girlfriends, etc.  I look for stuff with low or no cover charges, eat before I go, and nurse one glass of happy hour priced wine all night long.  I’m no gold digger, but if someone wants to constantly go out on expensive dates with me, and expect me to pay half, then I can’t afford him.  I just wish I could get past all the initial courtship process and into a relationship, where finances are shared and who pays for what is discussed and agreed upon. And spending a weekend at home hanging out, eating in, puttering around the house, snuggling, etc. is perfectly fine.  I hate the “should I or shouldn’t I” mind games that come from deciding if and how much I should offer to chip in on a first meeting with someone.  PLEASE guys, if you don’t want to pay for a glass of wine to meet someone, spare both of you the awkwardness and make that first meeting a stroll through the historic district, a free art walk or a short hike in the park.  I don’t expect a guy to spend gobs of money just to meet me face to face, but I don’t appreciate it if he tries to “shit test” me, and then judge me, ‘cuz I can’t read his mind and figure out if he expects me to chip in, or expects me to be a “lady” and let him be the gentleman and pay.  
    I do think the girl in this OP sounds like a high maintenance spoiled little princess, I am not anything like that, and just because I let a man pay for the first few dates that he suggests is no indication that I will be some gold digger who never contributes a dime to an ensuing relationship.

  19. 319
    Rose

    Scott if you love her think she is your soulmate why haven’t you popped the question so that you can be together and finnces would be shared?

  20. 320
    Jen

    I cannot apply logic or reason to this but I will be honest: I like when a man pays. It has nothing to do with how much he or I make. Maybe it is further engrained than a time when women didn’t work but rather when a man was a protector and provider. Even if this is not the anthropologic explanation I. am. turned. off. when he accepts my offer to pay.
    Face it guys: many of your competition is gladly paying. Argue with them, not us.
    If you don’t make a lot, thats ok. $100 dinners don’t have to happen. There are so many other affordable things to do. And if you’re simply not financially responsible…well that’s a huge turn off too.
    I’m sure this is a personal preference, maybe some women are happy to pay or feel powerful to pay. Once I have been dating someone a while I definitely like to offer to reciprocate from time to time but when I am being courted it’s a dealbreaker.
    Evan teaches us to be courted, to not be aggressive and let the man come to us. I think the question of who pays is answered with the same logic. The woman is the prize and he is trying to win us over.

  21. 321
    Shannon

    I think you should try talking to her about it… I mean, if it were me, if you were offering to pay, I go into that same mindset of, free food, sweet. But, I entirely get where you’re coming from.
     
    When I have a job, and actually have money to afford the date, I often offer to pay. It can make a girl feel powerful, and helpful, like they’re contributing to the relationship, or to your happiness.

  22. 322
    Ally

    Wow, very interesting…
    Reading what this guy complaining about a girl that HE likes and HE wants to date is absolutely horrifying.
    I know if I read something like this about a guy dating me I would dump him instantaneously.
    I don’t know, but for me, there is a lot wrong with his mindset.
    Enough of this women and men being equal nonsense… This is about being a man, and if you are too cheap to be a man then probably you don’t deserve a girlfriend. In my opinion, women who pay on dates have low self esteem and do not think they deserve a man’s all.
    We are not talking here about going on expensive dates as a considerate girl would probably suggest cheap or no cost dates. It’s less about the money and more about a man being a man.
    You want to be a man, then be one and stop whining about doing what it takes to get a girl.
    I have NEVER and would NEVER  pay on a date. If you don’t like it you have a choice- find someone else. I am quite ok with that because if you cannot afford to date me then how can I expect you to do so if I marry you.
    Men of today are lazy. Men need to go out and work and take care of their families without the help of a female. If you need a female’s help then you are less of a man in my eyes.
    Men it’s embarrassing to a woman if you look to her to pay on dates. You will never get a good woman like this…and women when you pay on a date, the man NEVER values you as much.
    I am thankful for the way I was raised, and I have a healthy dose of self esteem. I think it it’s privilege for a guy to go out with me. I am well worth it.
    Ladies please, think about what equality really means– would you start opening doors for men because you want to reciprocate…would you pull out his chair in a restaurant…so why are you pulling out your wallet. Nonsense!
    Stop it today. Stop taking away the privilege away from men

  23. 323
    keepingitrealistheonlyway

    This is exactly why before I even go out on date #1 with someone, I conduct due diligence. I am way past the stage of going out for the sake of going out. This is why I haven’t been on a date in a year. I haven’t met anyone nearby worth while to go out with. Plain and simply, this is a matter of values and not setting boundaries.
     
    First of all, does his gf know he is only making 40k a year? If so, she is very selfish for allowing him to take drop so much money every week at expensive venues. There are too many options that you can spend under $50 for and I am not sure if he was trying to hard to impress her initially, and then put his foot in his mouth in the long run. You must establish clear boundaries and make your values/perspectives clear from the get-go.
     
    His girlfriend should also be offering to cook for him and buying him even small trinkets here and there to show some kind of appreciation. All the men I have dated have always been in way better financial positions than me and pretty much all except a few always offered to pay. When I am getting to know someone, I always ask what do they view as the role of a man and the role of a woman in a relationship. This speaks volumes and lets me know if we are compatible or not. I don’t see the point in arguing or feeling bad about money related situations. Both parties should let their expectations be known from the start.
     
    As a woman who expects a man to be a protector and provider, I only date men who think the same. I cook, clean, and know how to take care of kids while holding down a job to pay off my student loans. I am more traditional and I could care less who thinks it’s archaic; to each his own! Split 50/50 if that’s your thing or provide as a man. Totally up to you.

  24. 324
    Darrell T

    I don’t think the concern is bad. I think that a man has to be concerned about being taken for granted or used. If a woman never offers to pay the tip or reach for the bill she may have Gold Digger tendency’s. This generally shows the persons mind and heart. It is a test. Just like a woman looks for precursors to a successful relationship a man should too. Who wants to be drained financially from someone who believes they can spend their money as they wish and the guy should foot the bill for everything. Like the saying goes, whatever is occurring early in the relationship than this is what you will expect in the future. I for one do not want a cold, selfish, self absorbed woman. I wish to have a relationship of caring and sharing. To me this is a successful relationship. If the relationship is built on what you will spend and how much you do than God forbid you lose your job. She will be gone if you lose your job or have financial issues. If you go out with a woman and she never, ever asks to pay the tip or the bill, lose her. These are signs that are seriously concerning in this day and age of equality.

  25. 325
    letthetruthbetold

    @337 It really depends. There is no cookie cutter or absolute way for how this works and that’s what seems to be the hardest for people to comprehend in the American culture. There are tons of variables here.
    If a guy makes 70k a year and his gf is in college, it might be a bit unrealistic to expect to “go dutch” or take turns depending on what activities are taking place and the cost of the activities themselves. It also depends on values and one’s views on gender roles. I have met men who have dated women who might have made as much or a bit more and they still foot the bill. It worked fine for them and after marriage and living together they split 50/50.
    I know others that take turns and that works well for them too. The key is figuring out what works for you and finding someone who believes the same. Neither is right or wrong unless it’s something like he is making $40k with $25k in student loans and she is making $60k,debt free. That seems to be an unbalanced scale. Whatever floats your boat; I love older men that are aggressive entrepreneurially and never has qualms about this stuff. I also need to know when I am pregnant my husband can pull some weight and show he can be a provider. That’s just me.
    As for now, I will cook religiously for my man, show him appreciation both verbally, in action as well as buy things when I can for him if I know he’d really like it and treat him from time to time. I’ve just finished grad school with tons of student loan debt I am working like a slave to pay off so dating someone in my same exact predicament would be counterproductive and futile. 
     
     

  26. 326
    Rick James

    Well, yes I agree that the women should contribute her share to the relationship in the money department too.  Don’t bitch about making 40,000 especially in this economy.  I’ve been looking for a job in my major for 2 YEARS and finally found one that I’ll be making less than you and trust me it’s not a lack of ambition since I really strive to go far in my interests.  Back on topic, have you ever tried the line I forgot my wallet?  Give that a try and let me know how it goes, lol.  Seriously though.

  27. 327
    Crickett

    Just a note to the men….IMHO if a woman really cares about you she doesn’t want to use you. She want’s to lift your burden not add to your burden.  She won’t demand or expect you to strain your finances for her. If she cares she wants what is best for you while also having a relationship.

  28. 328
    Crickett

    Jen I think we like them to pay because it shows investment and interest in us.  How else can we know he really likes us? Women tend to invest with giving physically while for men it’s giving financially.  It’s just the way it is…and that is why I can’t be open to a man who is cheap or won’t give to me (relative to his income) because to me it shows he really doesn’t care.

  29. 329
    Darrell T

    @338. You made a good point. It is all about being fair. If a person is making less or trying to get out of debt due to school than it is certainly fair to say that the other will pay. I don’t want to make this about a money thing but unfortunately this is important in dating. It is certainly important when it comes to each person actually caring about each others financial well being. If a person could careless and is only concerned about themselves than they do not make for a very good mate. There are other ways to show caring such as spending time versus how much money someone spends. 

  30. 330
    rainbowrunner

    I am part of the dinosaur generation when men took care of women, but I don’t want my boyfriend to think that I am with him for money so here is how I handle it.  I cook most meals for us at home with fine wine, music, and candlelight.  It’s not uncommon for me to spend $75 – $100 on shopping for dinner.  Then on the nights when we do go out, he always insists on paying.

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