I Want My 6 Week Boyfriend To Finalize His Divorce and Cut Off Contact With His Ex Wife!

My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 weeks. He has been separated from his wife for almost 1.5 years.  Two weeks after we began dating, he told me that he invited his ex and their 3-year-old son over for dinner as the ex was upset about breaking up with her boyfriend recently. I made it very clear that I was not comfortable with this and he said it won’t happen again. The following week, he catches up with her father twice so they can spend time together. I finally asked him directly to finalize his divorce and he said it was a big step, but later changed his mind and printed the forms off the net. I asked him last week if he had spoken to his ex about it, which he said she agreed. The paperwork is still sitting there incomplete. Should I ask again or move on?

Abigail

If I were your boyfriend, I’d dump you in a heartbeat. You’d be gone so fast from my life that you’d get whiplash trying to follow my ass out the door.

Dear Abigail,

First I want to share a brief story about someone I know.

She was in love with her boyfriend, but her boyfriend was preoccupied with his mother, who was dying of cancer. Each time he flew back to see his mom on her deathbed, my friend couldn’t help but feel strangely jealous that he wasn’t spending time with her. When he’d return from his weekend trips, he’d get a passive-aggressive guilt trip. She knew he was under stress, but she had needs, too. How can she feel secure about their future when he’s spending half his time focusing on things other than her?

He broke up with her before his mom passed away. She was heartbroken, but couldn’t help the way she felt. Of course, she was 19 at the time, so she had an excuse.

I don’t know how old you are, but I’m hoping you’re 19 as well. Which means you’re going to have a long time to recover from what I’m about to say to you next:

If I were your boyfriend, I’d dump you in a heartbeat.

You’d be gone so fast from my life that you’d get whiplash trying to follow my ass out the door.

I’ll bet you’re wondering how I could say such a thing. After all, he’s YOUR boyfriend. Why should you have to worry about exes and fathers-in-law and sons and paperwork? Shouldn’t he be ALL YOURS?

Um, no.

Let’s look at a tale of the tape:

You: 6 week girlfriend. Likely cute. Maybe insecure. Probably needy. Definitely clueless about anybody else’s perspective and needs besides your own.

Him: A poor confused wuss with a big heart and a wide loyalty streak who was probably dominated by his ex and is now signing up to be dominated by you. Lucky guy.

So now, by your logic, since this guy’s been sleeping with you for six weeks, he should just summarily CUT OFF the very pillars of his former life?

Everyone Else: Has been in his life WAAAAAAAAY before you arrived. His wife’s been around for probably 6+ years, as has her father. Both know him incredibly well and care deeply about him. All are bound by the presence of a beloved 3-year-old boy.

So now, by your logic, since this guy’s been sleeping with you for six weeks, he should just summarily CUT OFF the very pillars of his former life?

Because YOU’RE threatened and jealous, he should refuse to console his ex?

Because you’re unreasonably demanding, he should have no relationship with his son’s grandfather?

Can you see how narrow-minded and selfish you sound? It’s all about YOUR needs. Screw anyone who gets in the way – including your boyfriend, whom you’re already bullying about his divorce.

Here’s the deal, Abigail:

If he wants you as a girlfriend, if he wants to sign divorce papers, if he wants to prioritize you above everyone else, it will be because HE chooses to do so, not because you browbeat him.

His world doesn’t revolve around you.

Not after 6 weeks – and, if he’s got any guts, not for much longer.

I sincerely hope you take a different approach to understand the needs of the next man in your life.

Click here to learn the 5 Massive Mistakes You’re Making In Your Love Life – And How to Turn Them Around Instantly!

http://www.evanmarckatz.com/coaching/

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Comments:

  1. 1
    JuJu

    Wow! And I mean, wow!
    After only 6 weeks I’d even have reservations calling someone my boyfriend, let alone make such demands on his time and his priorities!

  2. 2
    Angela

    Marc,
    I loooove your response. So on point!!!!!!!! Can yo believe 6 hold weeks. He should drop her ass___. ASAP!!!!!

  3. 3
    Steve

    Abigal;

    There are plenty of full available men out there. There is no reason to date someone who is married or otherwise taken. You deserve to have someone all to yourself. If he isn’t ready for that, move on. After all, as Evan wrote, you have only been seeing him for 6 weeks.

  4. 4
    JuJu

    There is no reason to date someone who is married or otherwise taken. You deserve to have someone all to yourself.

    Well, obviously, but that so isn’t the point here.
    She knew what she was getting herself into from the outset. (Supposedly.)

  5. 5
    Paul

    Frankly, after only 6 weeks, only children would call each other boyfriend or girlfriend. I mean come on! Your dating and that’s about it. And dating is not exclusive. Courtship is, and you have to be in a position to court…and being married isn’t one of them! Dating is simply introducing yourselves to each other to see if there is enough desire, compatability, etc., to move forward. When you are exclusive, you are courting…with an eye usually towards marriage.
    Great response Evan!

  6. 6
    Sayanta

    whoa- Evan. That response is awesome!

  7. 7
    happy girl

    Great response and as always very much to the point. He does have child with his ex and so the ties will never be severed. And Evan is right…he had a while life before he even met you.

    I would think that your relationship does not have much of a chance if you remain the way you are right now.

    Life does not revolve only around you.
    Besides…it this does not suit you, you also have the choice to move on and find another “boyfriend”.

    Good luck

  8. 8
    Rachelle

    WOW! I will pick my jaw up from the floor. Great advice!

  9. 9
    Honey

    I think the BF and I had the boyfriend/girlfriend talk after about 3 or 4 months. 6 weeks is VERY soon.

    How could anyone ever demand that someone cut the other half of his son’s family out of his life?

    Honey´s last blog post…What I Want vs. What I Want

  10. 10
    Seductress Within

    I hope he gets back with his wife. It sounds like he may be unsure about the divorce since the papers lay there.

    At any rate, if I were him, I’d dump her too.

  11. 12
    kenley

    Unless this letter was edited so that we didn’t get to read everything she wrote, I think Evan’s response was overly harsh and mean.

    Perhaps six weeks was too soon for her to ask her guy to get a divorce, but he had been separated for over a year. So, I don’t necessarily think she should be sent off to Prison for Self Centered Women for that offense.

    She said she was uncomfortable with her guy consoling his soon to be ex wife — I didn’t read anywhere in the letter that she said she didn’t ever want him seeing the wife again or doing anything with her and his son. Many people know that when ex’s console each other, sex often enters into the picture. So, if she was saying, hey “I don’t feel comfortable with you having sex with your soon to be ex wife while you are having sex with me” I don’t think that is an unreasonable request.

    Also, I don’t believe that I read anything in the post that said she didn’t want this guy to see his father in law. She just mentioned that he got together with the father in-law twice in one week. She didn’t say that she didn’t think the guy should cut off all contact with them. Perhaps I am missing something because all I saw was a letter from a woman who felt that perhaps she was dating a guy who was still very much tied up with his wife and her family so perhaps he wasn’t really ready to let the marriage go. She therefore wanted to know if she move on to someone without those entanglements. I guess I don’t understand why people think this woman was so horrible and selfish for wanting a man who was not still so emotionally attached to his wife. Most women don’t want a man who is emotionally attached to his ex wife and most men don’t want women who are still emotionally attached to their ex husbands. Why are people picking on this lady for wanting what most people want?

    And, I’m sorry, but comparing a woman who gets angry with a guy for visiting his dying mother to a woman who doesn’t feel comfortable with a man consoling his ex wife because her boyfriend dumped her is just not fair. I don’t know many women who would be all that happy about a guy consoling his soon to be ex for getting dumped — that’s what mothers, sisters, and girlfriends are for. But I do know plenty of women who would be very supportive of, and patient with, a man who was losing his mother.

    1. 12.1
      Dee

      Exactly.

  12. 13
    Sayanta

    Kenley-

    I have to say- I got carried away with Evan’s acid humor in his response, but you bring up some good points that most of us probably didn’t think of right away. See, I personally would never get involved with someone who had an ex-wife and kids, so I can’t even imagine being in that position, what I would do, etc.

    But the girl in the ‘dying mother’ story really was just selfish beyond belief.

  13. 14
    Honey

    @ Kenley, #12 – I read it pretty much the way Evan did. If you look at her letter, what she said was not that she was uncomfortable with him consoling his ex wife, she was uncomfortable with him having her over for dinner. And it seems that him catching up with the father-in-law was the precipitating event for her asking him to finalize the divorce.

    It sounds like he has done a great job ending the marriage amicably – isn’t that a good thing? Why does someone who hasn’t even been with the guy for two months shitting all over that?

    Honey´s last blog post…What I Want vs. What I Want

  14. 15
    Diana

    While I found Evan’s response great to read, I am more in line with Kenley’s response. My first thought was, “What is a separated man who is clearly still emotionally involved with his soon-to-be-ex, as he’s concerned with comforting her over “her” breakup, doing with a new girlfriend?!” I personally think the girl should leave the guy because whether she’s being too demanding, etc., he is not ready to move to that next chapter of his life. Guys show their truest heart through action; not words.

  15. 16
    julie

    These scenarios — ie, “questions” — Evan answers seem extreme (and perhaps made up?). Aren’t there any normal people with more relatable problems out there?

  16. 17
    Evan Marc Katz

    @Kenley – They’ve been together for 6 weeks. She has no right to say anything about anything.

    @Julie – Yes, there are normal people. This letter is from a very normal person who feels entitled to her feelings. If you feel her situation is unrelatable, feel free to ask me a “normal” question that you’d like to see answered.

  17. 18
    SheaLuna

    I totally agree that after just six WEEKS of dating, she’s got no right to demand anything of her “boyfriend”. I mean, come on. Six weeks? Even if they’ve gone out together twice each week, that’s only 12 total dates. A little early to be calling someone a “boyfriend”, let alone demanding how they should live their lives.

    On the other hand, it does sound as if the “boyfriend” is still not quite over his almost ex-wife or the relationship. Certainly it sounds like he’s not ready for a new relationship. I definitely agree with Kenley that a guy who is not quite ready to get a divorce isn’t the same thing as a guy whose mother is dying from cancer.

    You have the absolute right to want what you want, whatever that may be and however selfish it may sound to others. The letter writer wants someone who is committed completely to her and isn’t dragging a lot of baggage around. Having dated men with children and ex-wives (or nearly ex-wives), I can completely understand this. When you’re a single, divorced, or separated woman with no kids and no relationship with ex-husbands or whatever, it can be difficult to deal with someone who is still wrapped up in so much of his old life and has important committments like children. And you know what? That’s totally ok. It’s not greedy or selfish. It’s what you want and people want what they want.

    However, the way to go about getting what you want isn’t to demand that your “boyfriend” of just six weeks get divorced immediately and cut off all contact with his ex-wife or former in-laws. The way to get what you want is to find someone who wants the same things you want. Someone who doesn’t have kids and isn’t in a relationship with his ex-wife (or whatever) and former in-laws. The letter writer needs to let this guy go so he can deal with his stuff and find someone who is happy to take on the responsibility of being a good role model for his son, and so that she (the letter writer) can find a guy who has no kids, no ex-wife, no father-in-law he meets for golf (or whatever) twice a week. Someone who is more than happy to make her his number one priority.

  18. 19
    Sally

    Marc, you are spot on with your advice. If she is that bossy and controlling and jealous and insecure after only 6 weeks, think how she will be after 6 months. He needs to run run run away as fast as he can.

    1. 19.1
      Sally

      Or she needs to run, run, run.

      1. 19.1.1
        Sally

        This comes back to if this isnt the kind of relationship she wants then she needs to end it.   Ive been there and done that. It usually doesnt change because he isnt sure. 

  19. 20
    Sally

    Oops, make that Evan. Blonde girl early in the morning before coffee. Sorry :(

  20. 21
    JB

    Yeah Evan, I kind of agree with Julie in that some of these questions you “get emailed to you” seem so ridiculous that it’s hard for us to believe these people ever read or heard your stuff. But I know even you couldn’t make these goofy scenario’s up. I think what Julie is saying is that their has to be some people emailing that have more intelligent mature questions that us “advanced daters” might learn something from rather than an 18 or 19 yr. old etc….that’s all.

    In the opening paragraph this woman is telling this guy she’s “uncomfortable” with something after 2 WEEKS …..Puhhhhleeezzz
    In my life 2 weeks is TWO DATES ….lol and most women would have no idea where or what I was doing in the interim. You know why?? It’s none of their business but of course a 19 yr. old probably doesn’t know that. Seperated is NOT divorced. Throw in a 3 yr.old and the ex is there for 20 more years. FOREVER. If you don’t like it there’s millions of guys who aren’t married and have no kids. Go find one.

  21. 22
    searchingwithin

    It amazes me how quickly people proclaim someone as their boyfriend. Two weeks of dating, and not only has she labeled him as her boyfriend, she is telling him how to live his life. She barely knows this man, how can she possibly even know whether or not she wants to be in some sort of exclusive, or committed relationship? As others have stated, what will she be demanding in 6 months, when she began attempting to re-arrange his behavior after two weeks, which is when he had his ex over for dinner.

    Him, on the other hand, has been separated for 1.5 years, and if he, or his ex have not begun steps toward divorcing, there is reason. Neither one of them are ready to move on, and anyone entering into a relationship with either ex, would have reason for concern.

    searchingwithin´s last blog post…Seeking Validation and Love Through Men’s Approval

  22. 23
    Evan Marc Katz

    I’m surprised at how people think this is ridiculous or even made up. It’s not at all. This is someone else’s pain, which is no less valid than your own. It’s actually quite universal. People tend to be myopic when it comes to dating. We want what we want and we want it now – whether or not our partner agrees. The OP is just narrow-minded and selfish – a trait that doesn’t always change that much between 20 and 40, mind you.

    I fail to see the difference between the question of an “advanced dater” and a regular one. So, if you’re an “advanced dater” and you feel quite strongly that none of this advice applies to you, please email me a question, put “advanced dater” in your query, and I will answer your more mature question ASAP.

    Thank you.

    The Management

  23. 24
    Cilla

    I can agree with many of the comments above, from a variety of viewpoints. A few of my thoughts:

    1) Abigail certainly sounds like she is being demanding and immature by wanting so much from him so early in the relationship, even by calling him her boyfriend, although everyone’s definition of this seems to vary. Now matter how thin you cook a pancake, however, there are still always two sides. From Abigail’s brief missive, we really don’t what her date has been telling her. For all we know, he has been doing a number on her by calling her his girlfriend and telling her she’s the one he’s always been looking for, blah, blah, blah.

    2) The “boyfriend” should probably not be dating if he is not divorced but can’t seem to sign the papers. A man who hedges about finalizing his divorce is different from a man who is still technically married but has every intention of signing the papers and is even looking forward to ending the marriage. That being said, we don’t really know why he is not going through with the divorce, only what Abigail relates to us. Perhaps there are financial matters, etc., that need to be settled, which he prefers not to discuss with Abigail.

    3) I agree with Kenley: it doesn’t appear that she is asking him to cut off all contact with his ex and her family; she just doesn’t want him having her over for dinner and “consolation.” If they had been dating longer, this might not be such an unreasonable demand. The consolation part seems to be the most troubling; if he were having her over for dinner to maintain some sense of normalcy and ease the transition for the three year old, that would be a different story.

    4) I hope Abigail is not 19, because if she is, she really has no business dating a man with a three-year-old child. Very few 19 year olds could handle that.

    5) I think the dying mother example, while related, was more extreme than Abigail’s case and may have influenced readers’ opinions of Abigail.

    6) I can completely believe the veracity of this letter, as I dated a man whose ex-wife engaged in literally crazy behavior (self-injury to keep him involved, deliberately sabotaging their custody agreement, internet stalking me, etc.). Many people who are lucky enough to have had only “normal” dating experiences would be incredulous at the issues that can arise.

    7) The idea of an “advanced” dater just makes me laugh.

  24. 25
    Cilla

    Oops, paragraph #1 s/b “no matter” and “we really don’t know what her date…”

    Sorry, not enough coffee in the world today! Glad it’s Friday!

  25. 26
    Karl R

    Paul said: (#5)
    “Frankly, after only 6 weeks, only children would call each other boyfriend or girlfriend.”

    When do you start referring to your date as your girlfriend?

    I start using the term when we agree to date exclusively. So far, that’s happened anywhere from 3 weeks to 3 months after I started dating someone, so 6 weeks doesn’t sound outrageous to me.

    Maybe the words “boyfriend” and “girlfriend” mean something more serious to you. Feel free to enlighten us as to what you think those words ought to mean.

  26. 27
    Eathan

    I’ve never understood the need to pursue someone who isn’t available or who won’t close the door on a past relationship.

    Eathan´s last blog post…Modern Single Momma Contest

  27. 28
    Zann

    Evan — Sorry, but your response struck me as totally out of character for you. One of the things I admire about you is that you’re always straightforward and don’t pussy-foot around when a point needs to be driven home. But tell me how it’s going to help this woman/girl — who, by the way, wrote to you for help — to belittle or shame her? Yea, she’s immature & probably young. If so, she’s not going to take in a word you’ve said because she’ll be too busy reacting to it by being pissed off or embarrased. Isn’t your goal to get people to see how they can be more successful in finding a mature, loving relationship without putting them down? If so, then the burden is on you to be the mature one and set the example — not by condescending & bitch-slapping (think: American Idol) but by giving her advice she can take in & still keep her dignity, so she can do it different next time. And by the way, I don’t think you make up these letters. I find her letter totally believable, mainly because I know lots of women, young and old, who think the guy’s “hers” because he’s taken her on 2 dates. Dumb? Yes. But they’ll learn, and they’ll learn quicker if they get good advice when they ask for it from people like you, Evan, who have the skills they don’t.

  28. 29
    Sayanta

    I will say this- Evan’s response seemed a lot more acerbic (though spot-on and humorous) compared to his other replies…almost as if this particular letter hit a nerve somehow.

  29. 30
    Selena

    My first thought upon reading this was also, “Wow, is this girl demanding after only 6 weeks! How does she even know they will still be dating after 8?”

    I’d wager though that what is really making Abigail uncomfortable is having a “boyfriend” who is STILL MARRIED. Might be an awkward thing to explain to family members, friends, co-workers. Hence the *push* for said bf to get on with it already. And separated for a year and a half? What’s the hold up?

    I rather hope Abigail is young ’cause the lesson to be learned here is: it is always a risk to date someone who is separated. Separated is not the same thing as divorced. A lesson learned the earlier the better. People who are separated sometimes find they “aren’t done yet”. And that well might be the case here – separated for a year and a half, but nobody has felt compelled to file? Uh, isn’t that one of those big, red banners we hear about? *I* would have smiled and said politely, “Call me when you’re really single.”

    In any case, it doesn’t sound like Abigail quite has the temperment for blended family life at this point in hers and that’s another valuable lesson to learn. You might want to consider slowing down Abigail. What’s the rush?

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