If Men Like Only Hot Women, Where Does That Leave an Average Woman Like Me?

If Men Only Kike Hot Women, Where Does That Leave an Average Woman Like Me?

Dear Evan,

Why do dating experts for men teach them how to get the hottest women possible? Unlike women, they are rarely told to date someone they might not find attractive at first because she might grow on him. As an average looking woman (I am fit, well-groomed and fashionable, but I know that I am not a bombshell. I don’t make people gag, but I don’t turn heads either.), I feel that no man is going to find me desirable because all men feel that they deserve and can get the hottest woman out there. Just where does that leave women like me? 

Tia-Maria

Dear Tia-Maria,

Thank you, thank you, thank you for asking this question. A few months ago, I promised to write a post about shallow men, and this note from you is the perfect excuse.

First, a story:

When I started writing Why You’re Still Single, back in early 2005, I was working with a different woman than my eventual partner, Linda Holmes. This original partner was a noted matchmaker who brought a certain credibility to my pet project – she’s experienced in her field, she’s telegenic, she knows plenty about single people, etc.

One of the first chapters I completed was called “The Beauty Myth Is Not a Myth.” It didn’t necessarily debunk Naomi Wolf’s seminal work, but it did establish one very important concept that women need to understand: Men are as shallow as advertised. And while women can beat their heads against a wall, wishing that this were not true, they’re fighting a real losing battle if they expect men to stop worshipping at the altar of beauty.

Like much of my advice, it can rub a woman the wrong way. But I wasn’t condoning the behavior, I was merely reporting it. This is what men do, whether we like it or not. Yet my writing partner felt so unnerved by my stance, that her version of the “Beauty Myth” chapter only served to contradict everything I had written.

She mentioned that she was in the business of connecting souls.

She stated that as men mature, they learn to appreciate inner beauty.

She encouraged women to hold out for the kind of guy who isn’t as focused on the outer packaging.

That’s when I fired her from the project.

I tell this story not to make myself look good (clearly), but because I refused to put out a book that gave bad advice. And make no mistake about it – telling women to hold out for men who don’t care about looks is BAD ADVICE. Why? Because men like this are as common as Halley’s Comet….

Here’s an excerpt from Why You’re Still Single:

“I am not suggesting that men are pure objects of lust with all the depth of a bathtub. Nor am I suggesting that men don’t have the ability to love and accept any physical imperfections. They can and they do.

Just not as much as women. At least in my experience as a dating coach where I have the unique privilege of being given access to some of my clients’ online dating accounts. And after years of doing this, I’m still flabbergasted that no matter how unattractive a man is – no matter how little hair is on his head, or how much on his back – he STILL has the same twenty-something supermodels on his favorites list as if he was Colin Farrell.

Yes, Shallow Hal lives – and I believe he lives in a majority of American men. Men who are 5s want women who are 10s. And women who are 5s are often left out in the cold, at least in L.A., where I live…

Men who are 5s want women who are 10s. And women who are 5s are often left out in the cold.

If anybody should be judged harshly, it’s men for refusing to let women age gracefully. Most men do not break out of gender roles and societal expectations. So while you may know a handful of men who don’t care about looks, they are rarities. They are the gold standard, the type that every woman should be striving to date. But if you’re under the illusion that they grow on trees, it’s time to wake up and smell the Kiehl’s anti-aging lotion. The number of guys who are “above” the whole looks thing may fill a classroom, but not a stadium, and definitely not a big enough portion of the male population to suggest any type of trend.

In a weak moment, I bet that even the most non-judgmental guy around would say that he wants a mind, soul, and body connection – but only if she takes care of her body.

So, Tia-Maria, why do dating experts tell men how to get the hottest women possible? …

Because that’s what men want. Plain and simple. Dating experts try to sell products by connecting with readers’ basest wishes. And for men, the holy grail is to be able to get the hot girl. What these men rarely consider is that the hot girl might also be emotionally bankrupt, unintelligent, flaky, humorless, and lack basic human empathy. These details don’t concern them. Men’s repeated refrain: “I can’t help what I’m attracted to.”

Who do we blame for this? Men, of course, but there’s more than enough responsibility to go around. After all, women buy into the Beauty Myth just as much as men do. Advertising and media saturation reinforce the image of perfect bodies and skin, and women spend thousands of dollars each year striving for an impossible standard. And to please whom? Men? Themselves? I’m not sure anyone can agree on this stuff.

And where does this realization leave you, Tia-Maria? I would say right back where you were before. Secure in who you are and who you’re not. Validated in your opinion that men are impossibly shallow. And rightfully concerned that you’re going to be overlooked.

Despite my shallow man diatribe, please bear in mind that there is a lid for every pot. Just look around. Most women don’t qualify as “hot” in the Maxim sense, and yet they still get married. The real struggle is in keeping a healthy perspective and a positive attitude until you find the right fit.

So don’t worry about what you can’t control (men); instead, take care of what you can control (yourself).

And trust that the right man will love you as you deserve to be loved.

 

For more commentary on shallow men, please read:

Where Are All The Emotionally Available, Mentally Healthy Men?

How Come Everyone I Want to Meet Online Isn’t Interested In Me?

Are Women More Likely Than Men to Require Chemistry To Go On A Second Date?

Online Daters Are Shallow! And Water Is Wet!

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Comments:

  1. 1
    a&v

    A thought-provoking but disheartening post, Evan. I venture to guess that even those of us a little higher on the Beauty Scale (and whatever happened to beauty being in the eye of the beholder anyway?) want to be appreciated for qualities that lie deeper than skin tissue. I also think there is a difference between who a man (or woman) wants to date and who a man (or woman) wants to marry. For example I, a reasonably intelligent and thoughtful woman, for a time dated men purely on the merits of their looks (and their ability to make me laugh).

    There is a difference, I think, in what is conventionally beautiful and what each of us finds attractive. Of course we want to end up with a person who is the absolute best (in all areas) that we can attract. And it is true that women arent always as visually driven as men. To me, bald doesnt automatically equate unattractiveness, nor does a couple of extra pounds. In fact, now that Im looking for more than a cute boyfriend, I steer clear of anyone who looks like they couldve walked out of a glossy magazine ad.

    I want drive, integrity, confidence, humor more than I want chiseled abs. I would hope that the person I end up with will love me for more than my long legs, ample who-know-what and blondish hair. Both of us will age and whatever good looks we started out with will changewith luck, exercise and good diet, well age like fine wine but who knows?

    Perhaps this is why I am still singlehappily so, though I am fascinated by male/female interaction and am putting forth a good effort to find a partner. Foolish or not, I am holding out for one of those rare men.

  2. 2
    chiara

    By my experience, there are plenty of great men out there, if women would only stop being shallow and petty about tax brackets and hair gel and such. I think it’s the women looking to date outside their own leagues, who want a boyfriend they can show off, who complain the most about men’s shallowness.

    I think, before anyone is honestly ready to fall in love, they themselves have to shut off that judgmental reflex inside them that cares about what it “looks like” to be with someone. Once you stop giving a damn about superficial stuff, and start paying attention to genuine measures of compatibility (like trust, comfort, mutual respect) doesn’t it seem way more likely that the “lid” is out there for your “pot”?

  3. 3
    Ron

    Generally speaking, I agree with Evan on this. HOWEVER, perhaps Evan has spent too much time in LA. I used to live in LA, but now live in the Midwest. I see lots of good looking guys with women that are not as attractive as them. And I live in a major city, not the sticks. So, to the woman who wrote the article, you cannot blame your appearance for your lack of results.

    Now, on to a more important issue. I am sick and tired of hearing how shallow men are. Women are even more shallow in many cases. At least men can blame their shallowness about beauty on biology -something they have no control over.

    But women are attracted to money and successful men. If you are famous and look like a fat pig or a dork, you’ll still get a hot girl (just look at the unattractive male celebrities with the hot blondes).

    I was a very good looking guy when I was in my 20s. However, I was not financially successful. I had so many women who were interested in me until they found out I did not have a good job or much money.

    Then, later, when I started to become more successful, women were suddenly interested. And I don’t mean women who wanted to marry me.

    Women have the same shallow prequalifications that men do. It’s just that while men screen women out for beauty, women screen men out for their level of financial success.

    To me, that’s even more shallow. After all, you cannot blame that on biology. Although, it could be an instictive desire for a woman to be attracted to men who they believe are good providers. But, most women are not going on a date hoping the guy will be their husband down the road.

    Shallow, shallow, shallow ladies! Now, enough of the frickin’ male bashing. Go men!

    1. 3.1
      J

      Ron,
             While you are correct in your assertion that both sexes are shallow and judgemental, I disagree with you that men’s predilection for beauty falls squarely in the realm of biological impulse. Biology does have an impact – after all, humans are biologically drawn to beauty in all forms. The operative term being “in ALL forms”. I say this to make the point that biology cannot be blamed for the current standard of beauty. The image of the young, fit, beautiful woman is the only acceptable version of beauty in our society. Why? It’s not just biology; it also has to do with media images of this supposed “ideal” being burned into our brains from a young age. People in Western society are brainwashed into thinking this impossible standard is the only one worth having. And if you’re going to argue that men make choices about their mates based on uncontrollable biological impulses, why could the same not be true of women? Is it not true that women subconsciously seek out the strongest mate who has proven his ability to provide for her and their offspring, thus ensuring continuation of the species? Why can that impulse not be biologically driven, but the urge for a man to seek out the youngest, hottest women he can find is? You don’t make much sense by that argument.

      1. 3.1.1
        Ann

        I agree with you! Ron was saying that women are attracted to successful men even when they’re not looking for a husband, but men are not looking to create offsprings with every attractive women they encounter either! Women are driven by biological impulses same as men. What makes men’s shallowness more justifiable than women’s?? 

    2. 3.2
      Adam

      Women need a man with money because BABIES take money.  BABIES also take time which puts the woman out of the picture for making money.  So the “shallow” part for both men and women is down to biology (making BABIES!).

  4. 4
    Ron

    chiara – love the line about the tax brackets!! You took the words right out of my mouth. Women I first meet ALWAYS ask a sneaky question upfront to get an idea of how much money I make and what I do for a living. Shallow, shallow, shallow!!!

    a & v – I enjoyed reading your post, but you’ve got a lot to learn, girl! While I despise the pickup artist stuff on the market, I LOVE what one of them said (because it’s so true and hits you right between the eyes): We do NOT make a conscious decision about what or who we find attractive. It is like broccoli (my words here) — do you decide whether or not you like broccoli? Do you decide whether or not you like (such as a & v) a long-legged blonde with a nice rack and a pretty face? Versus a more down-to-earth brunette who looks like the girl next door? It is not a conscious decision of who we find attractive.

    BUT, picking a guy because he has a fat bank account, a high paying job, or because he is on TV IS a conscious decision. Shallow, shallow, shallow, ladies.

    As for me, I see TONS of women I find attractive. And yes, while I feel my standards are fairly high, I see them all over the place. And no, I’m not talking Playboy model types (although I wouldn’t kick any of those out for munching on Triscuits in bed). I’m talking about girl next door types.

    Oh boy, can’t wait to see the male bashing posts to follow.

  5. 5
    christine

    hi ron,

    where do you live? i’m in the chicago area.

    christine

  6. 6
    SueC

    No bashing from me Ron. I accept men as they are. I don’t always like the way things are and end up spending time alone when I’d rather be with someone, but reality is reality. I can’t change them. And there is only so much I can change about the physical me.

    I can, however, continue to become the real person that I am which makes me happier which (I think) makes me more attractive overall. It certainly makes me more confident and discerning and less likely to date just anyone. I much prefer someone with character, intelligence, integrity, humor….and, for me, height. Okay….I’m a little shallow…so shoot me. I’m tired of dancing with a guys face in my chest.

  7. 7
    Selena

    Men who are 5’s may only want to date women who are 10’s, but how often do they end up with them? Talking average people here, not billionaires and celebrities. Go to any Wal-Mart and you will observe most of the couples are of the same level of attractiveness– high, low, in between. So these people are finding each other somehow.

    Maybe when they are unsuccessful mating with someone possessing the looks they think they “require” men (and women) find themselves settling for all the neat other stuff, like intellect, sense of humor, innate kindness and compatibility. I discovered many years ago that the more I come to care about someone, the more physically attractive they become to me–even if I thought they were just ehh…upon first meeting. This is something that just can’t be determined from a pic on a dating site.

  8. 8
    Marissa

    “Women I first meet ALWAYS ask a sneaky question upfront to get an idea of how much money I make and what I do for a living.”

    I generally ask what a man does for a living, because what he does says a lot about him (his personality – after all, most of our lives are defined by what we do for a living, right?) I’m an attorney, by the way, so I am not really looking for a man to take care of me, but I am interested to know that he enjoys his work as much as I enjoy mine. Why is a simple “getting to know you” type question such a minefield for some men?

    “BUT, picking a guy because he has a fat bank account, a high paying job, or because he is on TV IS a conscious decision. Shallow, shallow, shallow, ladies. ”

    I’m not entirely sure where you live, Ron, but I don’t know any woman my age (late-20s) who does this. A lot of them are equally as successful and educated as their husbands, and make as much if not more money. Many have helped thier men through grad school and prolonged periods of unemployment, as well. That’s what a complete partnership is all about. Perhaps, instead of painiting all women with the same “shallow, shallow, shallow” brush, you should look at what kinds of women you’re attracted to and whether they truly represent the balance of the female population.

  9. 9
    Selena

    Ron,
    I don’t care much for brocolli plain. But with cheese sauce? Yummy. Plain can have zing if you don’t dismiss it out of hand. Same with people.

  10. 10
    BeenThruTheWars

    Ron, I adore men, I wouldn’t bash ‘em with a gun to my head. Men are fabulous creatures. My own husband (11 years younger and a “face man” according to his long-ago fraternity brothers) told me on our second date, after I made a light but self-deprecating comment about my overweight self, “Men are all pigs, we all want to nail a supermodel. But when it comes down to who do we want to get old with, we get realistic in a hurry.” That remark turned out to be prescient in my case, at least, as six months later he proposed. Our second anniversary is New Year’s Day and we just get happier and more bonded as time goes on, even as I get commensurately further away from my perky youthful self.

    Tia-Maria, here is my advice: behave “as if” you are the hottest thing on the planet. I’m not talking about being snotty, I’m talking about developing the kind of friendly poise and self-assurance you imagine a supermodel would have, greeting her fans. Don’t treat hot guys as if they are hot and should be highly sought after. Treat them with an attitude of, “Okay, big guy, show me what it is you have to offer me” — and no, I’m not talking financially, I’m talking about how will he treat me, how good of a companion will he be, how emotionally supportive will he be, etc. Remember: no matter what you look like, YOU ARE THE PRIZE. YOU ARE THE PRIZE. YOU ARE THE PRIZE. Repeat as necessary.

    I read somewhere, “Men gather and women choose.” So true. Now, the men who gather may not be your first choice in the whatever department (looks, finances, smarts), but you weed out the unsuitable types and choose among the gems who are left. It’s so true that when a man is ready to settle down, and so much of mating IS about timing, he won’t necessarily hold out for the greatest physical prize but will marry the woman he feels he could take home to meet Mom. Whatever you have to do — a therapist, daily affirmations, self-help books — but just stay positive and DECIDE that you are “all that” and walk the walk, girl. Don’t give the “it” guys any more special treatment than you give any other guys. They will be intrigued that you aren’t all over them like the other salivating female hordes. “Why isn’t this woman knocking herself out to be with me? I must find out. Could it be she’s a cut above the rest?” Try this type of attitude adjustment… and report back in a month.

    1. 10.1
      Ellen

      Sorry but I font this post laughable. This woman seems chuffed to bits that her husband chose her because he was simply getting old and wanted someone to be there for him. If a guy said that to  me I would be insulted and not accept a marriage proposal. So basically if she had met her husband ten years earlier he would not have looked at her twice. If that is what you have to put up with to get a man in this day and age then I think I would rather be single. 

  11. 11
    Erika

    Hm. I make plenty of my own money–I don’t need a man for that. In fact, I shy away from guys who have all the standard “trappings” of success–wealth, cars, etc., because frankly I find them boring. I want someone who’s engaged intellectually and culturally, and when you’re too busy chasing the almighty dollar you don’t have much time to read, contemplate art, and reflect. One of the wealthier men I’d dated couldn’t handle the fact that I liked making my own decisions (and was afraid to park his car in my edgy, urban neighborhood), and the other one didn’t have anything interesting to bring to our conversational table. He told me, in fact, that he hadn’t read a book since he was 14, and I’m a librarian.

    I’m not average, but I’m kind of quirky and unusual and don’t appeal to men who are threatened by a woman who speaks her mind and doesn’t pull punches. But there are a lot of men I do appeal to, and I never had problems finding dates. So my advice to Tia-Maria is this: don’t chase men who don’t want you, instead concentrate on finding the men out there who do. It may be a smaller pool, and it may take you more time and effort to find them, but there out there. You gotta keep looking! What other choice do you have?

  12. 12
    Roger

    Wow. This was a good discussion, both the question and the answers. Seems like everyone is at least partially right. For example, I was rather shocked after I left the college dating scene to find out just how shallow women could be when it came to how much money men earned. I actually heard female friends talking about about what kind of car a guy drives or his salary the same way guys talked about a hot women’s boobs. And as a guy who was pretty good looking, but not very financially secure, I just couldn’t believe how much my “value” went down in the eyes of women after I graduated college (I found that generally women didn’t really start focusing on the money thing until they got out of college.)

    I remember how disappointing it was to find out that women really could be as shallow as men. “But men are supposed to be shallow,” I would say. “Women are supposed to be deeper!”

    On the other hand, men, including me when I was younger, can be so hung up on a woman’s looks that it really is disgusting, and extremely stupid. Luckily, I found out thru trial and error, that the value I was placing on a woman’s looks was ludicrous. Not only did it make it harder for me to find someone, it also turned out that looks were just one component of many that I needed to consider when looking for a girlfriend.

    The value I placed on looks had been way overstated. I dated a number of good looking women, and some average looking women, and to my astonishment, personality turned out to be far more important. I didn’t seek to come to that conclusion, I just came to that conclusion based on the reality of my experiences

    So, men, give yourself a break and give the women a break. Don’t be so hung up on looks and you might actually get a few dates and find that the pool of female possibilities is enormously enriched and expanded.

  13. 13
    Markus

    I actually don’t think women are much more responsible for their attractions than we are. Women are conditioned by society AND evolution to find the man who will “win the game”. Not necessarily rich and greedy but, as was said, a good provider. Well, I make decent money but guess what having kids and paying child support does to you? Right. Lu-hoo-su-her. For the record, I’m 38 and in great shape. No chiseled abs but great shape. All I ask is something similar. I don’t want a playboy model. I actually like “girl next door” better but someone who’s kept their body in shape is important.

  14. 14
    Steve

    Evan states his opinion that dating books for men focus on getting the hottest woman, because that is what men want and that is what sells books. I happen to agree. Could it be that Evan, in this article, departed from his usual “accept the world as it is” attitude to use value judgments like “shallow” when referring to men, because he markets his material to women? Hey, we all have to make a living…..no problems there.

    In my humble opinion, looks count. People who say otherwise are trying to sell something, if not to others than to themselves. Does that mean most people are shallow?

    I would say a person is shallow when looks are the only thing that counts or when looks count more than other important things.

    I’ve been turned down based on my looks and I am a man. I know that is sucks.

    In addition to all of the men in the world who reduce women to pieces of meat there are many women who reduce men walking wallets.

  15. 15
    Evan Marc Katz

    “Could it be that Evan, in this article, departed from his usual accept the world as it is attitude to use value judgments like shallow when referring to men, because he markets his material to women?”

    Uh, no.

    I don’t market my material on this blog to anyone, Steve. I simply answer the questions that people write to me. Not surprisingly, 95% of them come from women.

    Why?

    Beats the shit out of me. Far as I can tell, men need more help; women ask for more help. That’s why “Why You’re Still Single” was for women. Women actually care about self-improvement. Men, in general, don’t frequent the self-help section of bookstores. Their loss.

    So if you’re a man who’s reading this, and you want my blog to tackle your questions, maybe you should start asking them.

    Otherwise, yeah, this is gonna be a one-stop shopping home for women who want to get smart about men and dating.

  16. 16
    Ben

    Men not asking questions here makes perfect sense. Men are always shy about asking for directions… or help.

    In dating, “Men need more help” because women are (by necessity) generally pickier. Men’s standards are much lower, as you stated above.

  17. 17
    Camilla

    My way of dealing with it is to accept that most guys want 10, but also find that guys are often hard-wired to be attracted to a certain type. So I want the guys who think I’m a 10.

    For instance, I’m pretty but my weight fluctuates between size 4 and 10. At size 4, I stop traffic, but even when I’m a little heaver, some guys dig that. European boyfriends in particular, hated when I got too thin. It was such a relief to know that I was still a 10 to them, even when I was worried about not being sexy–they really thought I was. So I’m more about finding that natural attraction that comes with being someone’s type.

    I have one very obese friend, and she dates plenty! But she only posts ads on sites that are FOR guys looking for women who are her body type. She’s a 10 to them. Everyone’s happy.

  18. 18
    Sam

    I think the women here might be exaggerating male lookism and men are exaggerating women’s lust for money. Some men are still pigs and some women are still golddiffers, but overall male and female attitudes towards mate selection are converging:

    Just as women have long sought to marry a good breadwinner, men, too, now find earning potential sexy. There are fewer Cinderella marriages these days, says Stephanie Coontz, author of Marriage, a History. Men are less interested in rescuing a woman from poverty. They want to find someone who will pull her weight.

    http://www.nytimes.com/2006/11/19/magazine/19wwln_idealab.html

  19. 19
    Ron

    Christine – I live further south than ChiTown.

    Marissa – I could argue you down and I have no legal degree. But, you helped me to decide I’ll never marry an attorney.

    Markus and Steve – great posts. Markus – you hit the nail on the head. I told a psychologist friend of mine that my theory is that women are instinctively looking for a good provider and in part despise men who do not make much money because of that reason. Part of that could be argued as biology, but I’m not sure I accept the notion that it’s all biology.

    Perhaps the best advice is to take Martin Luther King’s recommendation of judging people by their individual character, and not by their race, sex, etc.

    I will be the first to say that I am extremely visual. I would only consider dating a woman that I (emphasis “I”) find attractive. But, my “10” might be another man’s “7” or “8.”

    And I will add that if a woman is rude, overly materialistic, or as thick as a brick, I will write her off as quickly as I would write off a woman I find physically repulsive.

    The #1 turnoff for me is rudeness. I don’t care if that person is hotter than hell. If she’s rude, I want nothing to do with her.

    Now, on with the show!

  20. 20
    Markus

    Man, it’s cool when EMK posts. He has a frame and everything. ; )

  21. 21
    downtowngal

    Gimme a break, Evan, I think you’ve been living in LA for too long. And great resopnses from everone else. While most women accept that men value looks because they’re visual, at the end of the day it really depends on a woman’s confidence. And, yes, you can say the same thing about women and a guy’s earning potential (I see this in NY a lot, esp among the younger gals).

    Sure guys are attracted by a woman’s looks but what one guy will consider hot another will say ‘eah’. I’ve seen this a lot. Case in point: a gal I grew up with is not what one would consider conventionally beautiful at all, yet always had a boyfriend and has been happily married for years to an attractive, smart guy. Why? Because she’s always had a good sense of herself and never seemed obsessed with looking a certain way. She was always popular and people respected her. I’ve also met women my guy friends have dated and seen photos of former boyfriends’ exes. None of these women looked like porn stars or supermodels.

    One of the most pathetic sights is seeing a guy in his 40’s+ who’s never been married, nether fit nor well-kept but sez he want to settle down and will only consider women who look like supermodels. These guys have unrealistic expectations and complain that women will only date them for their $$. Well, if money is all these guys have going for them, why would any decent gal want that?

  22. 22
    Steve

    Evan, fair enough.

  23. 23
    Ava Mazur

    I totally agree with Evan. But here is the thing confidence can turn a 5 into a 10. I am a attractive but GASP overweight, Im not wearing moomoos but a string bikini is just not a good idea. Here is the thing I can own my pudge. I dont complain about it I dont have sex with the lights off and quite frankly I walk around thinking every man is turning thier heads at me. But my sumation is guys like the thrill of the unattainable…and beautiful women have that. Give guys a bit of a chase and they will follow.

  24. 24
    hunter

    recently, at a singles seminar, I heard a female therapist say, that, 2/3 of men marry for the sexual and sensual, and 1/3 for money, whereas, 2/3 of women marry for financial stability, and 1/3 of women marry for the sexual and sensual….a young lady stood up and said, “that is not what I was told.” The therapist replied, “Who are you going to believe, your friends, or 30 years of studies and research?”

  25. 25
    hunter

    I recently got away from flirting with the “sexy” women, now, I flirt with, the plain, average, women, and enjoy life, much more!

  26. 26
    Lynn

    Let’s face it: men are “wired” differently, and good visuals *immediately* get them in the mood. From what I can tell though, good visuals can be any number of things: large breasts, an athletic figure, lacy stockings and high heels, flawless skin with no makeup; red lipstick; confident posture. This seems to be something that European women know, and they make the most of whatever works for them as individuals. The attractiveness that some Americans may rate as a “5” could be transformed into an incredibly alluring and sexy package. Maybe we should do away with the 1-10 scale anyway?

  27. 27
    Steve


    hunter Nov 29th 2007 at 10:35 pm 24

    recently, at a singles seminar, I heard a female therapist say, that, 2/3 of men marry for the sexual and sensual, and 1/3 for money, whereas, 2/3 of women marry for financial stability, and 1/3 of women marry for the sexual and sensual.a young lady stood up and said, that is not what I was told. The therapist replied, Who are you going to believe, your friends, or 30 years of studies and research?

    I can relate to that quote. I was brought up by feminists and other sundry idealists. About halfway through college I got smart and started looking at how people actually worked instead of how other people wanted me to believe people should work.
    As Grouch Marx once put it:

    “Who are you going to believe? Me, or your own eyes?”

    One of the reasons why I enjoy Evan’s blog. He is refreshingly honest.

  28. 28
    Alan

    As a guy (*ducks*), my initial impression of a woman is based on looks. If I don’t think I could be attracted to her, forget it. However, that initial determination of “am I attracted to her” varies wildly among the male population. While the buxom blonde stereotype is most likely to find the best reception among the male population in total, it’s not the ideal for all guys.

    So where does that leave you if you’re not a buxom blonde? Don’t aim for the guys who are after the buxom blondes. Look for someone who’s attracted to *you*.

    Brief note that I find self-confidence and self-contentment (i.e., knowing who you are and accepting it) to be very attractive. Looks matter but they are far from the only factor or the one deciding factor.

    One last brief observance. In college, I dated a girl who definitely did not fit the “beautiful” stereotype. She really wasn’t a looker – instead, she was a rather plain, slightly overweight girl-next-door. Yet, for some reason I was incredibly attracted to her. I have no idea why I was or what it was about her, I only hope that I meet another woman for whom I feel an equally strong (or greater) attraction.

  29. 29
    Roger

    I have a theory that all the talk men make about looks and women make about money, is more talk than anything else. The same way we all talk about how we’d like to be millionaires and have a big yacht. We talk about it, but we’re not that serious about it, we don’t expect it to happen. After all, average looking women and men without lots of money are dating and getting married all the time, every day in fact.

  30. 30
    Selena

    Looks will initially draw the eye, but I agree self-confidence and self-contentment (great word Alan!) become bigger draws as you get to know someone. There is something incredibly attractive about someone who is comfortable in their own skin–in both men and women.

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