If I’m a Great Woman, Why Haven’t I Met Anyone Else Great?

Wow. Where do I start? I’m 42, and have never been married, and I guess that I have been dating idiots, or men who are not even dating material for the last 10 years. People always ask me why I am still single, I get all the popular comments, like “Oh, that’s a shame, still single at your age”. It’s ridiculous. There is nothing wrong with me, I’m athletic, been told I am attractive, outgoing, and I enjoy sports, and all sorts of out door activities, and have a great circle of friends, so why after all this time have I not met anyone? My last serious relationship was back in college! I’ve dated on and off for a few months to a year, only to have things crash and burn for one reason or another. What am I doing wrong? I’ve tried the online dating, only to become seriously jaded by it all. I do have an open mind, and have even considered meeting and dating guys I normally would not. But nothing ever comes from it. Do I give up? I’m tired of friends telling me that when I least expect it, I will meet someone great, well, I have not been expecting it, and it never came. What now? :(

Lauren

Dear Lauren,

I’m reminded of a story that Rich Gosse, the founder of AmericanSingles, once shared with me. It was an amazing response to how he dealt with skeptical press inquiries about his new business model.

“What kind of loser (I’m paraphrasing here) would go to an online dating site to meet someone?” the press would ask.

To which Rich would reply: ‘Well, there are a number of people out there who are socially awkward. There are a number of people who are somewhat weak and needy. There are a number of people who are so desperate for companionship that they’d do anything to avoid being alone. I call these people ‘married people’.”

I thought that was a brilliant answer. After all, there’s no special skill for getting married. Buy a ring, take a vow, and you’re married. It’s why I’ve never once worried about my qualifications to give dating advice. I don’t suddenly get smarter if I propose to my girlfriend. And if she dumped me, I wouldn’t suddenly get dumber.

All of this is me saying that there’s nothing wrong with being single. … Despite the title of my second book, Why You’re Still Single: Things Your Friends Would Tell You If You Promised To Get Mad, being single is a fine state of affairs. I’ve been that way for 35 years and frankly, I’m a little anxious about getting married.

That said, most single people (including myself) DO want to get married. Which is why questions like Why You’re Still Single and “Why He Isn’t That Into Me” are supremely relevant. And since the age-old answers like “I’m picky,” “I just haven’t met the right guy,” and “Men suck” aren’t leading us to a desired conclusion, everything I write is designed to create a greater level of self-awareness in how we are complicit in our own fates.

Shining the light on myself, I’ve definitely been too picky at times. I’ve been difficult and argumentative at other times. I’ve been in dire financial and career straits at other times. Not surprisingly, now that my career as a dating coach is in order and my head is on straight, I’m more open to giving and receiving love.

So what’s your blind spot? I couldn’t tell you, but I know there’s something there that you’re not seeing. Read this post from a few months back and you’ll hear yourself, Lauren. It’s from another amazing 42-year-old woman, who can’t fathom why she hasn’t put it all together. You seem to be more self-aware, in that you’re claiming to have an open mind about dating. So that’s a start.

But I think the greatest thing keeping single people single is that they don’t truly make an effort to change things. They say they do, but they don’t really DO anything about pursuing love.

Think about dating as a job hunt. This is the core metaphor driving my first book, and a guiding principle of my friend Rachel Greenwald’s book as well. When we’re unemployed, we do everything in our power to find work. Yet when we’re single, we sort of hope things will work out. You said it yourself. “It’ll happen when I least expect it.” No! It’ll happen when you create it. So what are you doing to create it?

Are you telling your friends to set you up with single eligible guys?

Are you going to singles events – parties, trips, cruises – or at least doing activities that have single men in attendance?

Are you taking online dating as seriously as you could be?

Have you gotten a new photo?

Have you a one-of-a-kind essay?

Have you signed up for a six-month subscription on a big dating site?

Have you been searching for and initiating contact with men?

Have you been giving men second chances on dates?

Have you considered hiring a matchmaker or a http://www.evanmarckatz.com/coaching/?

If you’re not doing all of these things, you’re not doing enough. Yes, it’s great when the universe provides a cute, attractive, successful, intuitive, funny, kind, emotionally available man at your doorstep. But since this hasn’t happened in 42 years, what makes you think it’s gonna start now?

Listen, I don’t know you from Adam, which is why any advice I can give you is a bit scattershot. But I can tell you this:

Happiness studies have shown that happy people are the ones whose goals and actions are aligned. So if a guy is a people person, but works as a security guard by himself for eight hours a night, it should come as no surprise that he’s not all that happy.

So ask yourself: are your goals and your actions aligned?

Your goal: You want to be married.

Your actions thus far: ???

If love is truly more important than anything else in the world, maybe you should start living your life like it. Take action and change can happen. Otherwise, it’s just a lot of magical thinking.

If you want to know how to take action, you can reach me here.

4
2

Join 5 Million Readers

And the thousands of women I've helped find true love. Sign up for weekly updates for help understanding men.

I hate spam as much as you do, therefore I will never sell, rent, or give away your email address.

Join our conversation (116 Comments).
Click Here To Leave Your Comment Below.

Comments:

  1. 31
    A beatiful woman

    A little off topic, but I hate when people write “I’ve been told I am attractive”. It makes the person seem unattractive, especially since they can’t say that they are themselves. Probably her problem, she doesn’t find herself attractive, therefore others don’t.

    Ladies, If you know you look good, say it, and mean it!

  2. 32
    downtowngal

    Women generally are not as self-promoting as men, particularly in public, so it’s understandable why she didn’t write, ‘I know I’m hot’. I don’t think it indicates that she has any type of ‘problem’.

    1. 32.1
      val

      Sigh…”i know im hot”is such an extreme phrase..your point does not hold water. If she doesnt think she is attractive, no one will.  

  3. 33
    Oldergal

    As someone who looked for over 10 years and FINALLY found the man of her dreams after age 50, I have to tell you, Evan is right – it is like a job hunt and requires a lot of work. The trouble is, it also requires a fair amount of intestinal fortitude and sometimes a thick skin to get through the process. You probably needs good friends, a good therapist and faith in some sort of divine power in order to believe that you will find a man – but he is findable and I am living proof. I am a doctor and an intellectual and brighter and more accomplished than most men. I had to have a man who was very bright and accomplished in his own right. I don’t have a perfect body and probably wouldn’t be interested in a man who was interested only in that anyway. I found an amazing research scientist who is loving, kind and a wonderful step-dad to my kids. We will marry this year and have integrated our families beautifully. It hasn’t been all wonderful – my fiance has had a heart attack and cancer in the last three years while we’ve been together, but being with him and facing life together is the most wonderful blessing ever.

    If you really want a man, it will be like finding that one-in-a-million job. You have to search – you have to interview a lot (kiss frogs who don’t turn into princes) and be willing to compromise on the unimportant things (my sweetie is 1/2″ shorter than me and chubby – some women wouldn’t give him a second look – lucky for me!!) He’s also spent a lot of time in science labs so he’s not buff and doesn’t walk as fast as he used to due to some arthritis in his knees, but can carry on conversations about a myriad of fascinating subjects, loves me and my kids wonderfully and is the more honest, decent person I’ve ever known. I could go on and on…

    Anyway, the moral of the story is, keep looking. If a guy is stupid or superficial – move on fast. If he’s “between jobs” or underemployed – keep moving too, not because you need to be supported but you need to find someone who is mature and independent. If he’s narcissistic and talks only about himself, he’s not the only guy around. If he doesn’t call, just keep moving – who knows why, but it’s not about you. However, if he’s geeky and works hard and a little overweight – look again. If he isn’t the greatest dresser or drives an older car, reconsider – he may be banking that money or paying his child support rather than spending money on depreciating assets, which is a good thing. It’s hard work to find the love of your life – but well worth the effort! By the way, why is she reading this, you might ask? I receive Evan’s newsletter since he helped me write my profile 4 years ago. I had a slow minute at the office and was checking my e-mail. Just wanted to be an inspiration to others!

  4. 34
    bren

    This is more of a generalized comment rather than to any specific post. While I understand it is in our nature to want to be loved and have that deep intimate connection with someone else that extends beyond friendship, I have to stop and ask myself why does having a man in our lives somehow make us complete? Am I not a whole, wonderful person on my own? What is it about this desire for relationships that many great, wonderful, successful kind and intelligent women think that for some reason they are less, regardless of age, just because they have never been married or found “the one”. I am by no means promoting anti-man, anti-relationship or anti-anything, but rather trying to point out that regardless of how busy your schedule is, how many friends you have, and your successful career and good looks, women are still seemingly unhappy DUE to not finding some great person to share their lives. My thought (and it is very difficult!) is that rather than viewing a man and that picture perfect marriage/relationship as what completes us (or betters us, or makes our lives better, etc) we should shift our paradigms to view men and relationships as a COMPLIMENT to our already whole selves and lives that we love. Viewing ourselves as whole and happy, and not needing a relationship to validate our being. And in this world where everyone rushes to marriage, and being 30+ to some is considered some sort of unrealistic death nail in the dating coffin, I say no! I’m not going to let the fact that just because I’m not married at a certain age, or have some fantastic relationship that it is some reflection of ME and MY being inadequate. Never. But, we are loving people and it is in our nature to seek a mate. So I say try to stop letting everyones crazy age related expectations on relationships have an affect on you and your life. Dont let all those shallow men drag you down! Because the men that are like that are going to wake up some day either unhappily married due to their shallow expectations, or single feeling regretful. Just know that even if that perfect man never comes, that you have not failed, you are great, and live your life to your best ability to be as happy as is even fathomable. Keep dating! Don’t feel desperate. Don’t feel bitter just because others less than you have seemingly found someone great. Use every and all of Evan’s suggestions. Do maximize your options, even if you feel it wont work. Don’t have crazy high unrealistic and petty standards, but don’t also have them so low that you lose self respect and end up miserable anyway. So purse dating and the one, but don’t view it as something you need, rather something to compliment your already great and fantastic self. And in the end, regardless of whether or not you found “the one” you at least found your self and made the best of what cards you were dealt!

  5. 35
    offthemarket4now

    For the 40+ set, I have read that advertising in the personals in the New York Review of Books works pretty well, plus you would be dealing with a more sophisticated pool of dating candidates (and you would not be competing on a dating site with scads of photos of women better looking or younger than yourself).

    I am 38, & have been online “dating” (okay, massively sending “icebreakers” and averaging about 1 face-to-face date a year) since age 30. I just spent this afternoon deleting all my online dating profiles. I’m not getting a decent ROI on what it costs to place these things, and for as long as my profiles have been up, I think I am falling victim to the law of diminishing returns. You can only work the personals for so long before interest and quality of contacts drops off.

    Additionally, I notice a lot of people who meet their match online report meeting him or her only very shortly after posting a profile. Then there are others who date on and on and on for years, and don’t end up with anyone. So, I think the window of successful dating opportunity is a very short one, and keeping your profile open for longer than one month is probably not a good investment for most of us (in terms of time or money). Also, it would follow that if you rejected someone you met online the first few weeks your profile was up, then it would seem to me that you just threw away Mr. Right or Miss Right. Keep your eyes and your mind open in the first couple of weeks after posting a profile; that is when your special someone should appear. After that, it’s just a waste of time even looking…

  6. 36
    Lynn

    Ladies, I feel your pain. But it IS possible to take action, just like Evan suggests, and this will help you feel more self-esteem, and more like YOU are the one making the choices in your life. I know because I am 40 and have had long “dry” stretches of no dating or dating men who seemed totally inappropriate. But I kept plugging away: online dating, table4-6, poetry readings, volunteering etc., and there were many minor “successes” even if I was not immediately meeting the man of my dreams. These minor successes were wide and varied: an excellent dinner in a new restaurant; a guy who became smitten with me, even though I did not return his ardor; a handsome date for the office holiday party last year; a brief affair with great sex. I truly believe that it can be fun looking for a man to fall in love with, and that it is more likely to happen if you create lots of possiblities to *choose* from. No, it is NOT easy, and it takes a loy of work, but you will certainly feel like you have more control over the situation if you create as many *choices* as you possibly can for yourself. BTW, I have been dating a great guy for about 5 months; we met on nerve.com.

  7. 37
    tiny alice

    To offthemarket, who said, ““Additionally, I notice a lot of people who meet their match online report meeting him or her only very shortly after posting a profile. Then there are others who date on and on and on for years, and dont end up with anyone. So, I think the window of successful dating opportunity is a very short one, and keeping your profile open for longer than one month is probably not a good investment for most of us (in terms of time or money).“…

    I think it depends. I met my husband after 3 days of posting my profile, but this was the tail end of 4 years of on/off internet dating. I’d post, date a few guys, pick one to work with on a LTR, and when that didn’t work, I’d put myself back out there. My husband, OTOH, had a history a lot like yours – 6 yrs of having a profile online, infrequent face-to-face dates and was just about to take his profile down before he met me.

    So my point is that there’s no such thing as a window of opportunity. Life is random and meeting the right guy has a lot to do with luck anyway. Might as well keep that online avenue open for youself, especially since as more and more quality matches are being made online, more and more great men are looking at the internet as THE way to meet their lifelong mate.

    If they’re all getting online and you’re giving up on searching online, you won’t get to meet them.

  8. 38
    downtowngal

    The last few posts here have been very uplifting! A nice change from all of the negative vibes put out there about single women, blah blah just to sell a few books and make us gals feel as if we’re doing something wrong. I read another blog hosted by this woman who said that there’s a reason why single women over 35 are still single – this was in response to a letter from a late 30′s woman asking for advice. Ugh!

    Bottom line – keep up the faith in yourself and the right person will come into your life. I truly belive that.

  9. 39
    tundrafox

    Let me give you some real sound advice. I was married to a beautiful women on the outside, however I did not know her on the inside. I was with her for over 20 years and have known her for over 35 years. I was married to her for 18 years. Every man wants a beautiful woman on his arm, to show off, to be a prize and to make love to at night. I am a prize myself as other women have said. I never called my ex even as much as stupid, dumb or idiot. I never raised my hand to her or even pushed her. I taught my boys to never, ever hit a women under any circumstances, just walk away. I do not drink, go to bars, do drugs or use inapropriate language. I am clean and try to live a clean life, I believe in God, go to church on Sundays, and prayer on Wednesday nights. I believe in what goes around comes around. What am I trying to say, I will tell you. I had two beautiful boys with her, now one 15 and the other 8. After 18 years of marriage she was seeing another man so I divorced her. During the divorce the court ordered DNA tests and it turns out my older son was not my biological son, not his fault at all. After a little digging it turns out she had been seeing other men through out our marriage. Her sister inlaw said she was a slut and I was the last to know. Since the divorce, she has even refused to allow me visitation with my 8 year old son. I thought I knew her, how could I have ever made such a mistake. Eventhough, I feel it was a mistake, I found that I will never give up on my 8 year old son. She has poisened my older son who wants nothing to do with me. As for you Lauren, I don’t know you so I am not insinuating anything her. However to all women, to find out what a real man has in his heart, DON”T PUT OUT. Down deep, a real man does not place sex before love. Men will manipulate a women until she puts out and when she does for the most part he will tire of her and find a new conquest. A women is not wired to have sex before she marries. Within 6 months after she marries a man she has slept with prior to marriage, she will become depressed and feel like she has no worth and this is not right. Secondly, loyalty is above all in a relationship, if you suspect your mate is stepping out, chances are they are. Lauren, keep looking, there are a few of us out there that know and understand a women’s emotional needs, we are not abusive and manipulative. I just don’t want to share my wife with other men and want to be appriciated for being devoted and loving to her. Please don’t put yourself down by not finding someone yet, most men are jerks and they only want to get into your pants, don’t let them, number one rule. Number two, do not allow yourself to be manipulated. If what I read in your letter is true, it is not you, it is them. downtowngial said it right;

    “Bottom line – keep up the faith in yourself and the right person will come into your life. I truly belive that.”

  10. 40
    njtexsin

    Hello to everyone.

    I happened to come across this site through a yahoo link. I just felt a need to chime in.

    My Bio: I’m male/46/single never married/no children/happy/ and by no means an English Major (no need to point out my sentence structure).

    These are just my opinions and do not reflect the views of this Web Site, Professional Therapist, or any Living Person.
    This is quite lengthy and I apologize (feel free to page down and ignore me).

    My Views: [1] Remember 50% of all marriages fail. How many of the other 50% are extremely happy, just going through the motions, just for the kids, or the fear of being LONELY. Marriage is not a solution it is an enhancement to a good life. [2] Get out and meet people you may find the person of your dreams, losers, or a whole lot of good people with different skills, hobbies, political views…. The worst that could happen is you will still be single but have new friends that could help you in other needs for a Successful Life. [3] Analyze yourself first. Example: You meet the person of your dreams who is everything you wanted. Now are you bringing everything to the table that this person is looking for. He wants to go out are you ready on time? Everyone has different reactions and expectations for every situation. Both parties need to respect the others views and determine a compromise because nobody will agree all the time and nobody should get it their way all the time. [4] You don’t have to be a 10 or athlete…. to attract people. But you can’t eat junk and be inactive, then complain nobody is interested in you because of your size.

    Evan: Thank You for this site (maybe I will use your services one day) and thanks for the Ben Franklin quote (so true).

    Bren: I agree with your view Single is Not a Failure.

    Erika: Kudos your attitude and comments hit the mark. I wish you well on your quest.
    You probably would be a 9 or 10 if you would have that mole removed ( just kidding ).
    Most people are too critical on looks and faults (theirs and others).
    I remember a Willie Nelson song one of the lines was I went home @ 2 with a 10 and woke up @ 10 with a 2.

    Sam: Thanks for the analogy some took it as fact.

    Jen from NYC: Congratulations on your latest catch.
    Just a few questions that others might fall into [1] Had you ever considered dating outside your religion? [2] Being single made you feel alone. If you can’t be happy with yourself it’s hard to expect others to be happy with you. [3] I loved your definition of Settle but it goes both ways for men and women. [4] You say women should have higher standards and not lower them. What is your definition of standards [a] Morals [b] Expectations [c] Needs? [5] Men should have to work hard to get you. With that attitude you might come off as cold and unapproachable. If you are talking about jumping into the sack too quickly is another subject. I will cover that on the next person.

    Li-Anne : [1] When out with friends take the initiative and approach someone you are interested in. Like a pack of dogs, bikers, gang members, bible thumpers…. one on one if met by themselves each could be interesting. But as a group could be intimidating and create fear (of consequences, unknown, judgment….). By stepping away from the pack you might find someone but you will still have a safety net of friends to look out for you also. [2] You said the Vast Majority of men lose interest and respect for a woman that initiates the date or they think you are desperate and easy. [a] That is allot of BS. It would show me your interested in me or what I was doing when you saw me. [b] Men would expect you to have sex. Some yes but not the majority. I would not refuse sex on the first date nor would I expect it or push for it. If it happens it happens. I would not think any less of you anymore than myself. ( I would think you were easy if you were flashing people when I met you. But then it would not be a date it would be a booty call.

    Single in New York City: Who said your too picky so you lowered your standards? If they were family and friends ask them to be more specific. [1] Family you can’t change. [2] Friends like you for who you are Good or Bad. [3] Nobody knows you better just be prepared for an honest reply.

    Susan: You ask why you should approach the man. My Answer: Maybe the vibes you put out are saying you are not approachable. Maybe the single men you know feel they don’t fit your standards and you would not be interested in them. Would the girl that goes to lectures, readings…. be interested in camping, fishing, boating…. [1] Would this woman be comfortable about sharing some of these experiences. [2] Would she be content to continue doing some of her interests alone and visa-versa?
    You seem that you are Bitter that you are alone and still single. You have a full plate enjoy it and let life unfold with or without a mate (you have lived this long without a soul mate what makes you think you HAVE to have one to be happy.

    Oldergal: Congrats on your achievements and new partner. you were able to find someone only after you separated your needs from the wants. Maybe you could have found Mr. Right sooner if you didn’t have such demanding requirements. [1] Your letter sends negative vibes. You say you don’t have the perfect body and would not respect someone looking for that. But you were searching for a certain physical requirements for the man of your dreams ( now you have settled for short and chubby ). [2] You were looking for someone with the same intellect, rightness, and accomplished in his own right. You may have missed out on earlier opportunities if you didn’t have too many restrictions. Example: Take a look at these 2 groups [a] Research Scientist, Lawyer, CEO, Doctor…. [b] Carpenters, Plumbers, Mailman, Nightshift Security…. Both Groups need each other. Quote from Caddy Shack ( judge to one of the caddies ) The World need ditch diggers too. [3] Since kids are involved what do they Require (r) and Cherish (c).
    [r] Love, Attention, Food, Shelter and an Education. [c] Maybe their first bike or favorite game or toy or doll…. They also cherish school functions, scouting, crafts, sports, games, family time…. Both group a and b can provide these needs. If both parents are wrapped up in their own accomplishments their children will probably miss out on [c]. [4] You mention a Therapist. Maybe until you could be true to yourself and heal past wounds you could not achieve someone elses desires and intentions.

    My intent was not to make any individual angry or upset these opinions are about the subject and not the person.

    If they thought it or done it they are not alone others can relate.

    If I went over the line feel free to reply.

  11. 41
    wyandanch

    Hi Evan,
    Please solve this mystery for me. Whenever I am at a party or at a bar, the men seem really attracted to the asian women? Why is that? They don’t sem that much more attractive than the rest of us. Yet the guys almost drool over them. What is their secret?

  12. 42
    Illinoisgirl

    Ok, here is my take on things.

    I am a woman in her 40′s who is the same weight and size as I was when I graduated from high school. Actually I am in better shape now. I have no kids and have been divorced once. My friends tell me I look really good, and most people guess my age about five to ten years younger than I am. But for the last six years or so, since I turned 40, I have noticed that the single men my age have all started to date women young enough to be my daughter, if they looked half way decent themselves. Men my age in So Cal are by and large chasing 25-30 year olds, and it doesn’t matter what they look like or what their religion is. I am a Christian and trust me the Christian men are just as guilty in this regard as non-Christian men. Let’s be honest. There is a major mid life crisis that goes on with men of a certain age, and they by and large do this. .

  13. 43
    JB

    First off to “Wyandanch”. SOME white men are very attracted to Asian women. I, on the other hand find MOST if not all Asian women to be err…not “my type” to put it nicely. I have a buddy, (both of us in our 40′s) who because his first wife was Asian and his children are obviously 1/2 Asian dates only Asian women. That’s what he’s attracted to. I, and plenty of other men AM NOT. As David D says “Attraction Is Not A Choice” Noone can force someone to be attracted to someone else.

    As for “Illinoisgirl” I live in Illinois and I’m 47 and I don’t know ANY man my age who CAN or DOES date anyone young enough to be your daughters’s age. And I know lots of men ….lol Actually I take that back. I know 1 guy who’s 40 and looks 27 who pulls it off. You wouldn’t want to date him anyway. He’s a “player’s player”

    I date women within 5 to 10 yrs of my age 99% of the time. Only once did I go that young. It was just for fun for a few dates. We had nothing in common and she was very inexperienced. Believe me ALL twenty somethings AREN’T more attractive than ALL 40 somethings. Not to mention the turn on of experience & mature conversation ! …LOL

  14. 44
    hunter

    to illinoisgirl,

    …most younger women haven’t been jaded….

  15. 45
    yuki chin

    JB -

    I don’t quite understand why you would have to “err… put it “nicely” that Asian women aren’t your type. Of course people are led by their tastes to whatever attracts them. But what is the not-so-nice alternative view that you implied there? Do you have negative feelings about Asian women that you were coyly alluding to? And if you truly wanted to be nice, why did you have to mention that you were being nice at all?

    Congratulations. If you wanted to direct a thinly veiled insult at Asian women, your mission was accomplished.

    Yuuk

  16. 46
    Oldergal

    I know it is discouraging to look for love, but it can be found! I found the love of my life after age 50. However, as Evan says, it can take a lot of work. Waiting for it just to happen probably won’t work. As Thomas Jefferson said, “the harder I work the luckier I get”…so if you work hard, love may find you…or maybe you’ll be really lucky and it’ll just find you without hard work – but that wasn’t my experience. I worked for over 10 years to find the love of my life. It was worth it. But I did make a lot of effort – many, many dates – a few disasterous relationships – had my heart broken a few times and broke a few, too. But I met some really interesting people, learned a lot about myself and life and all in all, I’m grateful for the experience. (though hopefully, won’t ever repeat it!) I used online dating, a dating coach (Evan and another), had therapy to understand myself and make it through and cultivated my friendships and family relationships. I am also a single mom and ran a business – I’ve been busy. Life hasn’t ever been boring. Lonely at times in the past, but I’ll not die thinking I never lived!

    So, hang in there. Keep on the websites – take your name on and off as “new” people get more responses. Write a good profile – have a nice picture taken. Enjoy the process and have a good support system. It is all worth it. Get saavy about dating – if someone isn’t interested and doesn’t call, move on. If he’s underemployed or not too intelligent – and you are – move on. It isn’t you – there are a lot of people in the world and only a few you’d spend your life with. I also ran background checks on someone I dated more than a couple times to be sure they were who they said they were. (I’ve had very intelligent friends who had very bad experiences in that way. )I never got burned in that sense but I was careful, too. I worked hard not to get bitter or too down about the process, although at times, I felt that way. I exercised and meditated to keep my attitude right.

    I “interviewed” carefully – paid attention to their friends and family members. I hire people in my business so I used some of the same techniques. Does that sound unromantic – maybe, but this is THE most important position in my life. Why wouldn’t I be careful and saavy in the process?

    Why am I still on this website at all? I stay in touch with Evan since he helped me a lot, and want to support others from time to time.

  17. 47
    verbosity

    Illinoisgirl, the subject of 40-ish men going after younger women is more fully discussed in “Where are All the Emotionally Available, Mentally Healthy Men?” also on this site. I’d refer you to that thread for a full discussion.

    However, I’ll summarize my perspective for you, one which I think many men also share. Here it is (much of it copied from my previous posts):

    One must realize that in the age brackets we discuss here (40+) most of the men (and women) have been through at least one divorce, long-term relationship, or other similar trauma. Of the divorces (btw, the divorce rate in Scottsdale, where I am, is approximately 70%), 70% of them are initiated by the women (can be independently verified – http://health.discovery.com/centers/loverelationships/articles/divorce.html; there’s also a book at Amazon that indicates women initiate 91% based upon research). I am going to assume for sake of argument that the numbers are similar for non-marriage relationships also. What Im getting at is that, in all likelihood (70%), a man had his marriage or most significant relationship ended by a woman. Im not getting into questions of blame – thats another discussion. Simply, she initiated the breakup the vast majority of the time.

    So, men in the 40+ age range are more likely to be cautious in committing their hearts, minds, and assets to a relationship. Many older men, likely having gone through a divorce (and by proxy, a split of a long term relationship) they likly did not initiate, are understandably reluctant to get into another relationship. To ignore this reality is foolish.

    Here is mans perspective. Men like younger women. They are usually more fun, usually physically more attractive, less likely to have shrew-like harpie tendencies (you can argue this point, but assume it happens more often than not). After the aforementioned divorce or ended long term relationship, most men I have talked to just want something simple and to have fun. They often see their 20s and 30s as a waste of their youth and fun time due to their previously mentioned divorce, LTR. Now in their 40s they prefer younger, simpler women. Simpler doesn’t mean being with a robot.

    Another point – ladies would be well-served to quit worrying about a mans income, and assets so much. This is its own separate subject, but every time I or my friends meet a woman, the inquiry is always about my occupation, neighborhood, car, where I vacation, indirectly inquiring about my income. This is treated on other parts of this site, but it should be mentioned here. I bring this up to make the point that men have no qualms going for younger women, since all women, younger and older, look at him and his wallet. This is a generalization, but an accurate one.

    Also, this is very non-PC, but so what? Men can afford to go after younger women also. Not monetarily speaking, but in this way – Men, as we age, generally get more distinguished and attractive (presuming we dont go completely to pot) to a wider range of women older & younger. Our options increase. Women simply do not (The ‘cougar’ concept is based upon one night stands, BTW, not longer term relationships). Women’s options therefore reduce as mens options increase. This is not an easy concept to swallow, but it is accurate.

    This sounds cynical, but I think this situation (where men’s options increase while women’s decrease) is a main reason why women have harder timelines about dating and marriage, not necessarily the biological clock. They only have so long to attract the maximum number of men…Just a thought.

  18. 48
    JB

    Sorry Yuki, I didn’t mean it to be derogatory or an insult to you or Asian women. The terms “put it nicely” and “not my type”. Saying someone is “not my type” is an obviously nicer way of saying “I”, meaning me personally don’t find that person or in this case Asian women attractive to ME. Do you consider those “negative feelings” ?
    If I would of said “I”, on the other hand find most if not all Asian women to be unattractive TO ME” that’s not derogatory or insulting no more than you saying large overweight bald Caucasian men aren’t “err..to put it nicely ” “YOUR type” meaning not attractive to you.
    I guess saying you don’t find someone or a group of people whether it’s “race” or “weight” or “height” attractive can obviously be considered negative not positive but it was’nt meant to be insulting,derogatory or racist. There is a difference.

    Case in point… I prefer blonde,blue eyed women that aren’t obese that’s what I’M attracted to. So obviously most Asian, African American and a hell of a lot of Caucasian Brunette women aren’t my type. I don’t consider that an insult to any of them. I might of just singled out Asian women in my post because that’s what wyandanch asked about. Again sorry if you misunderstood me.
    On a different note I have an Asian friend Nancy who won’t date Asian men because they’re not HER type !…LOL

  19. 49
    wanderer

    I was just curious on a link I found on another site and just wanted to see what people would write about someone being over 40 and dating this day and time. I am not ready to date as I am in the process of divorcing my present husband ( girlfriends and children with the girlfriend tend to piss wives like me off ) but when we have all this nastiness past and the divorce is done and over with I will more than likely date again. It will be strange for me I am sure because being with someone for 28 years and going back into dating again this day and time is going to be a culture shock for me. I am an attractive 46 year old woman and have been told I look 35. I have three children and the youngest child is still at home she is 15. For the time being I am putting my youngest child first as she needs stability in her life as her dad has not tried to see her for over a year, its his choice not to as I have not tried to prevent him from seeing her. Time heals all wounds and I am giving myself and my children time to heal from this. When my 15 year old is comfortable with it if the right guy comes along I may date some but my kids come first and any guy that comes into my life will have to accept my children and my sisters/mom as family is very important in my life.

  20. 50
    Michael Ejercito

    The nicest men all seem to already have someone in their life. The ones who do find the courage to ask me out are all either wanting a night stand, no strings attached sex, or have an affair.

    While an affair would be out of the question for me, no strings attached sex is a perfectly acceptable way to fill in the gaps.

  21. 51
    Michael Ejercito

    Here is mans perspective. Men like younger women. They are usually more fun, usually physically more attractive, less likely to have shrew-like harpie tendencies (you can argue this point, but assume it happens more often than not). After the aforementioned divorce or ended long term relationship, most men I have talked to just want something simple and to have fun. They often see their 20s and 30s as a waste of their youth and fun time due to their previously mentioned divorce, LTR. Now in their 40s they prefer younger, simpler women. Simpler doesnt mean being with a robot.

    What proportion of younger women would be willing to date an older, divorced man?

  22. 52
    Michael Ejercito

    I, on the other hand find MOST if not all Asian women to be errnot my type to put it nicely

    I have met women who said that men were not their type.

  23. 53
    verbosity

    Michael Ejercito wrote, “What proportion of younger women would be willing to date an older, divorced man?”

    Answer – Lots, particularly when he’s paying.

    1. 53.1
      Not fooling me

      I just have to say, I’ve grown up with my husband. We have both gone through fat stages and skinny stages, and now we are 38 & 40.
      hey, I get that younger women are prettier, have smoother skin, lush hair, whiter teeth, fuller boobs, etc. 
      but I look damn good for any woman’s age. and I can say the same about men. I dont understand the whole men get better looking with age thing.  Maybe some men do, like some women do, but I see guys my age and guys 20-30 years younger and I’ve gotta say I’m still going to look at the younger guy for “eye candy” over the men my age any day. 
      We won’t discuss your yellowing teeth, bad breath, sagging man boobs, wrinkly bottoms, droopy balls, back hair, ear hair, nose hair, and funky feet. And if you’ve imbibed alcoholic beverages or smoked Tobacco,  (drugs?), you’re red faces, yellowing whites of your eyes, mishapen noses, large pores, oily skin, gross teeth and gums, wrinkled faces, necks, arms, and hands, etc are not attractive in the least (not EVEN for a one night stand). 
      Or maybe we will. Sorry, verbose but someone needs to take you down a peg. You can pay for those beautiful young girls attention and more for awhile but they are also lusting after the beautiful young men with their smooth skin, white teeth, luscious hair, full lips, muscular, toned, firm asses, ect.

      1. 53.1.1
        DaveInLA

        Ummm…. NotFoolingMe, you are only fooling yourself.  Women do not lust for men in the same way men lust for women and they never have.  When was the last time you saw a woman masturbating over a naked guy the way men do over women?  You are totally clueless. 

  24. 54
    Selena

    But maybe not Verbosity if they have their choice among younger, handsomer, never-been-married men who are also paying!

  25. 55
    verbosity

    My point exactly, Selena….For women, it’s usually about what they gain economically. Such women should be avoided and shunned by rational men.

  26. 56
    question for verbosity

    How can you tell the difference between those women who are sincere and the ones who should be avoided because they’re too preoccupied with what they stand to gain economically?

  27. 57
    verbosity

    question,

    You can tell the differences by watching WHAT they do. When a bill comes to they insist on paying? Do they do the half-assed purse reach? Do they just sit there like Cleopatra while you take care of it? Does she want to go to every high-end restaurant and club in town? With you paying? Does she talk about the trips her ex took her on to Europe/anyplace else? What does she do for work? What is her plan of advancement? If non, be careful. Is she a secretary that knows all high end clubs, restaurants and vacation spots? If she earns good $ (same or more than you) and never offers or insists on paying, you have a good indicator.

    By the way, these questions apply equally for both sexes. I do not understand why, if women can do the same jobs as, and earn the same (if not more than – see Warren Farrell), that either sex should pay the other for their companionship, which is really what we are talking about. I think it’s because those who insist on the inequality (men pay system, all else being equal), don’t like the logical conclusion, that conclusion being tacit prostitution, at least in part. I mean payment for companionship, not necessarily sex. I think this answers women’s oft-repeated complaint that men don’t care about them as people. My answer is that if you insist on being paid for your company, you devalue yourself as a person and cannot reasonably expect someone to therefore care more about you as a person.

  28. 58
    M

    To Susan re 1: Now THAT is a thoughtful, impressive post. I am a man but I feel like I could have written much of it. I feel much the same way. Kudos to you Susan for writing that and I hope things get better.

    The only quibble I find is that I don’t know why it would be a million times harder, or any harder, for a woman to ask a man out. But a reader is hardly ever going to agree with every single thing in a long post.     

  29. 59
    E

    A lot of single women need to quit being so specific with their “requirements” when they are looking for a guy. The more specific “requirements” women make makes it that much harder on women or nearly impossible because men will run away from you. Men aren’t “robots”, were not just some piece of metal or just something that comes out of a vending machine. Women must open their minds up and have a broad, very “general” “requirements” such as limiting yourselves to such selective opportunities like under no circumstances he must be 6′ ++ tall, he must be this and this and do this, have this “perfect” conversation, do this and meet this and that. No wonder your always single, every guy no matter his height will run from you because you have this super strict “requirements and think the square peg is somehow going to fit in a round circle even when your parents and now married friends tell you it so doesn’t work to have such strict “requirements”. When women open their minds and have the very “general” requirements like (he might be this height or he might be an inch, two or three shorter, but she’s not going to limit herself that he “must” be this and that”).

  30. 60
    Jackie

    I am 28 yrs. old and still have not had success in having a serious and long term relationship beyond 1 and 1/2 years with a guy. I also currently cannot find anyone who is serious about calling me or going on dates, they all turn out to be players and jerks.
    In response to your article questions: (Are you telling your friends to set you up with single eligible guys?
    Are you going to singles events – parties, trips, cruises – or at least doing activities that have single men in attendance?
    Are you taking online dating as seriously as you could be?
    Have you gotten a new photo?
    Have you a one-of-a-kind essay?
    Have you signed up for a six-month subscription on a big dating site?
    Have you been searching for and initiating contact with men?
    Have you been giving men second chances on dates?
    Have you considered hiring a matchmaker or a http://www.evanmarckatz.com/coaching/?)
    The answer is a resounding yes on my end to every question with exception to having friends set me up, that’s not something I have as an option nor would I condone if it was. However, I have repeatedly made efforts above and beyond to find love and nothing has ever come of it and I am sick of it. I want clear answers as to what the issue is and how to fix it. I want to know what the men are going to have to do on their end as well to earn the privilege of taking me out on a date and having a relationship with me. 

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>