If I’m a Great Woman, Why Haven’t I Met Anyone Else Great?

Wow. Where do I start? I’m 42, and have never been married, and I guess that I have been dating idiots, or men who are not even dating material for the last 10 years. People always ask me why I am still single, I get all the popular comments, like “Oh, that’s a shame, still single at your age”. It’s ridiculous. There is nothing wrong with me, I’m athletic, been told I am attractive, outgoing, and I enjoy sports, and all sorts of out door activities, and have a great circle of friends, so why after all this time have I not met anyone? My last serious relationship was back in college! I’ve dated on and off for a few months to a year, only to have things crash and burn for one reason or another. What am I doing wrong? I’ve tried the online dating, only to become seriously jaded by it all. I do have an open mind, and have even considered meeting and dating guys I normally would not. But nothing ever comes from it. Do I give up? I’m tired of friends telling me that when I least expect it, I will meet someone great, well, I have not been expecting it, and it never came. What now? :(

Lauren

Dear Lauren,

I’m reminded of a story that Rich Gosse, the founder of AmericanSingles, once shared with me. It was an amazing response to how he dealt with skeptical press inquiries about his new business model.

“What kind of loser (I’m paraphrasing here) would go to an online dating site to meet someone?” the press would ask.

To which Rich would reply: ‘Well, there are a number of people out there who are socially awkward. There are a number of people who are somewhat weak and needy. There are a number of people who are so desperate for companionship that they’d do anything to avoid being alone. I call these people ‘married people’.”

I thought that was a brilliant answer. After all, there’s no special skill for getting married. Buy a ring, take a vow, and you’re married. It’s why I’ve never once worried about my qualifications to give dating advice. I don’t suddenly get smarter if I propose to my girlfriend. And if she dumped me, I wouldn’t suddenly get dumber.

All of this is me saying that there’s nothing wrong with being single. … Despite the title of my second book, Why You’re Still Single: Things Your Friends Would Tell You If You Promised To Get Mad, being single is a fine state of affairs. I’ve been that way for 35 years and frankly, I’m a little anxious about getting married.

That said, most single people (including myself) DO want to get married. Which is why questions like Why You’re Still Single and “Why He Isn’t That Into Me” are supremely relevant. And since the age-old answers like “I’m picky,” “I just haven’t met the right guy,” and “Men suck” aren’t leading us to a desired conclusion, everything I write is designed to create a greater level of self-awareness in how we are complicit in our own fates.

Shining the light on myself, I’ve definitely been too picky at times. I’ve been difficult and argumentative at other times. I’ve been in dire financial and career straits at other times. Not surprisingly, now that my career as a dating coach is in order and my head is on straight, I’m more open to giving and receiving love.

So what’s your blind spot? I couldn’t tell you, but I know there’s something there that you’re not seeing. Read this post from a few months back and you’ll hear yourself, Lauren. It’s from another amazing 42-year-old woman, who can’t fathom why she hasn’t put it all together. You seem to be more self-aware, in that you’re claiming to have an open mind about dating. So that’s a start.

But I think the greatest thing keeping single people single is that they don’t truly make an effort to change things. They say they do, but they don’t really DO anything about pursuing love.

Think about dating as a job hunt. This is the core metaphor driving my first book, and a guiding principle of my friend Rachel Greenwald’s book as well. When we’re unemployed, we do everything in our power to find work. Yet when we’re single, we sort of hope things will work out. You said it yourself. “It’ll happen when I least expect it.” No! It’ll happen when you create it. So what are you doing to create it?

Are you telling your friends to set you up with single eligible guys?

Are you going to singles events – parties, trips, cruises – or at least doing activities that have single men in attendance?

Are you taking online dating as seriously as you could be?

Have you gotten a new photo?

Have you a one-of-a-kind essay?

Have you signed up for a six-month subscription on a big dating site?

Have you been searching for and initiating contact with men?

Have you been giving men second chances on dates?

Have you considered hiring a matchmaker or a http://www.evanmarckatz.com/coaching/?

If you’re not doing all of these things, you’re not doing enough. Yes, it’s great when the universe provides a cute, attractive, successful, intuitive, funny, kind, emotionally available man at your doorstep. But since this hasn’t happened in 42 years, what makes you think it’s gonna start now?

Listen, I don’t know you from Adam, which is why any advice I can give you is a bit scattershot. But I can tell you this:

Happiness studies have shown that happy people are the ones whose goals and actions are aligned. So if a guy is a people person, but works as a security guard by himself for eight hours a night, it should come as no surprise that he’s not all that happy.

So ask yourself: are your goals and your actions aligned?

Your goal: You want to be married.

Your actions thus far: ???

If love is truly more important than anything else in the world, maybe you should start living your life like it. Take action and change can happen. Otherwise, it’s just a lot of magical thinking.

If you want to know how to take action, you can reach me here.

10
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Comments:

  1. 91
    Bonney

    One thing is that i’m suprised, there are single men and women out there who desperately need their match and they clain not to have found 1. I was in dating sites before, presented my interests and all necesaries, but not showing my image made me quit the game. Belive me or not, no lady showed any interest for three month until i shut off my accounts and decided to be. If singles online would understand and trust each other, we would have paved way for a none single world, but if all men are the same, or all women are the same, then there will be no hope thus creating way for lesbian conjestions.

  2. 92
    yeahright

    I see a lot of posts like this online and all I can think, as a man, is ‘If a woman looks down on all men as beneath her, can she ever find the right man?’.

    Consistently I hear about how ‘bad’ we men are. Dirty, smelly pigs, stupid, perverted and the list goes on. All coming from women. I believe it’s entirely impossible for anyone to be happy with a partner of the opposite sex when they have no respect for them. And from what I’m seeing all over the net, women don’t have much respect for men these days.

    Of course, it works both ways. Men can be the same way. Not all of us though and not all women. Thankfully. The problem is, like most of us, many women prejudge before actually getting to know the man. I get called all kinds of names by strange women who don’t even know me. Just out of the blue at social functions, out in public etc – before I’ve even said a word to anyone. They just come up to me and insult me. And yet I’m told I’m good looking and all that jazz. Yeah right. lol.

    All of us have been hurt by members of the opposite sex in some way or other. But judging someone based on their gender before you know them is sheer bigotry. If you hold that inside you then you will never be happy. Ever. And this goes for everyone, not just women who think they’re above men.

    Men are sick of being expected to be perfect to women. We are nothing close to it. And neither are women. However, many women these days think they are perfect. I suppose they picked that up from all the politically correct propaganda that’s been fed to the last few generations. People have to start thinking for themselves though. NO human being is perfect, so stop expecting it.

    Most of us men try to be the best we can. But it never seems to be enough. If you’re a woman who wants a ‘bad boy’, go get the bad boy. Don’t waste the time of decent men because you don’t know what you want. I knew what I wanted and my partner did as well. Thus, we are happy together.

    Stop living in a fantasy world – look for something real. Otherwise, play the single game and have fun.

    This is my advice based on being a 46 year old man living in the 21st century in Canada. You don’t have to like it, but it’s the truth according to my life own experiences.

    Best of luck to you..Sincerely.

    1. 92.1
      Log

      Well said.

    2. 92.2
      J

      Hi yeahright,

      First of all I’d like to apologize for my english because my native language is portuguese and I’m still improving my english skills. I am happy to know you got a happy ending – if I can say so…

      I can imagine how painful and frustating was for you when you met those women who insulted you. I have experienced something similar with guys – not cool :[ . I am glad to know you moved on and found someone who deserves your special attention, care and love. I think that your advice of “Stop living in a fantasy world – look for something real.” is a great hint.

      I am 24 and I have dated guys from my age to 20y older than me … What I’ve seen is that most of people look for perfection when in fact we are all humans … I always believed that one of the goals of a relationship besides of sharing a life and quaity time together, is helping each other to achieve self improvement … There is no princess and no principe charming on this planet. There are people and people change, grow, develop …

      What most people say when they want to meet a woman or man: I want she/he to be smart, intelligent, pretty, good looking, funny, etc… I mean, I think people expect too much from the others. I came across with men who told me that “was expecting for the right woman to teach them how to love”. I was like wtf … No one was born knowing anything… We are all in the same party and no one took dance classes before. It seems like most of people want someone ready to have a relationship with, and see those relationships websites as a menu, where you search for someone with the characteristics that you wish, like someone made-to-measure, when in fact it is just a tool to have a start.

      I think there are much on both sides, women and men, to be worked. I believe all these women who said that are working hard to find a men are actually doing their best. What I wonder is if they are that open minded to have a relationship with a person, a human being and not with their “ideal man”.

      Best wishes,

      J

  3. 93
    Kathy

    I kind of have the same problem but I think the reason is that we are approaching the wrong men… Evan has said it, the men that we consider dateable are like 1% of the population so its obvious we mostly are going to find wrong guys! We should be more receptable to the guys that are mature and  relationship oriented, men that know how to treat a woman, and not inmature men who still think they are in high school, thats not easy to find in our society but its not impossible if we give people the chance. Thats what im doing now, im not looking at pretty faces anymore because guys that are good looking tend to be the wrong guys, im looking at their personalities and now im getting to know as a friend a overweight man, he is not my type but he is very nice, fun and serious about relationships so i decided to start as a companionship thing and see if something develops from there.  Good luck wtih your search!

    1. 93.1
      Malcolm

      Good for you.

  4. 94
    Talan

    I don’t want a smart independent woman.  I want a woman I don’t have to fight who wants to be my companion.
    In today’s day, woman have far more of an advantage in getting a career and sticking with it.  They have also have a much easier time actually getting a relationship.
    If your as strong and independent as you claim, then you should go out and seek and find a man (or woman) that compliments you, not go on and complain about why you can’t.  You “CAN” if you try, maybe you should lower your standards a bit?  If you want to me a man then try filling your shoes with what they have to deal with, like seeking a partner.

  5. 95
    Brendan

    I’m 22 and I’m already tired of women in the USA.  I don’t even try to look at them or speak to them anymore.  I will never date them.
    Reasons: extremely unreasonable expectations for partners: they say one thing and expect you to do another (shit tests), drama, not giving a shit about their appearance/health, no life skills.  The thing that really bugs me is that they think they are entitled to special treatment without having to give anything in return.  Reciprocal altruism is the basis of all relationships, yet women in the USA have a special dorogatory name for men who expect reciprocity–“nice guys.”  That is not normal.  It is very, very sick.
    I am an engineering student and I have never met a woman my own age in the states who was as good at math as I am.  I studied a year in Germany and met half a dozen of them.  Math isn’t really a big thing in a relationship, but it is nice if a woman is intelligent and educated so that you can have conversations with her.  American women are unbearably vapid.
    I’ve looked at a website where women from eastern Europe try to get male partners from the USA.  A totally average looking woman on that website would be stunningly beautiful if she were brought to the states.  My experience in Europe also makes me think that American women must be unique in their stupidity and viciousness.
    There marriage system is stacked against men in the west.  Half of all marriages n the USA end in divorce, and 70% of those are initiated by women.  So I have a 35% chance of losing my house, my children, and most of my future income if I marry a woman in the States.  I will never do it.  
    There are articles where women ask, “Where have all the good men gone?”  If you’re asking that question, then the answer is that they are avoiding you, and they are never coming back.

    1. 95.1
      LearningTheSecrets

      @ Brendan 95

      I like what you have to say. I little bit harsh and some generalization of US women, but in the end it’s the impression you personally felt whether it’s true of all US women or not. I think that’s the important point here, that the bitterness and impressions felt makes one feel a certain way about men and women because that’s what they personally encounters time and time again.

      About marriage, I feel the same way as you but can also see the other perspective. Statistically, marriage does not seem very promising, but on the other hand I don’t think it’s fair either to already view it so negative and doomed to fail before it even happens. No one would probably get married then if they knew ahead of time some way, that it was going to end in divorce.

  6. 96
    SparklingEmerald

    TJ @ 2.1

    I feel saddened that dating, mating & relating comes down to a person’s number (well not entirely, but to get things started, numbers are everything) but it is true.

    This is my unscientific observation. Men who are 9-10’s, have dropped out of marriage. Because they can. There is no social stigma for a man to not be married, and the nookie sampler platter is being freely passed around for men who are 9’s and 10’s. So why would a 9 or 10 marry, if he can bang lot’s of hot women any night of the week ? Maybe when he’s in his late 40’s and wants a kid, he will find a sweet young thing to breed with. So a really hot 30 year old woman might be able to marry, IF she’s willing to take on an aging player who’s probably still pretty hot, and she won’t mind if he probably will cheat on her eventually, once she’s done hatching his kids for him.

    However, women who are 9 & 10’s still want to get married. They probably start off going for 9 & 10’s, but after getting humped & dumped a few times, might start settling for the 7 & 8s’. 7 & *’s are still attractive, so it’s not that big of a sacrifice.

    So women, are most likely going to have to get involved with a man who’s 2 point lower. So if you’re already kind of average or semi-cute (like me, I consider myself 6-7, depending on the day) going 2 points lower means plain or homely. Believe me, I WISH this attraction thing wasn’t so darn shallow, I WISH I could force myself to feel something for a 5 or a 4 or lower, but I can’t. I’ve tried, and I just end up making the guys feel like crap. I wish I could fall in LOVE based SOLEY on character and kindness, and while I WON’T have a relationship without those things, I have to have some degree of attraction as well.

    If everyone would just stay in their league, dating, mating & relating might work out much better. But since 9 & 10’s have dropped out on the male side, and not the female side, the whole game is skewed. And yes, it IS a game and it IS skewed.

    That coupled with the fact that there is a stigma to being a single woman, but not a single man, makes it even worse.

    I would love to fall in love with a nice 6 or 7, but they are going after 8’s.

    And I don’t want to couple up with a 4, and then end up being one of EMK’s letter writers, writing in and saying , ” I married a guy and just now noticed that I don’t like his face. Now we never make love and are starting to argue about it. ”

    We women are encourage to “give guys a chance” when we aren’t attracted to them. (Men are NEVER told to do this, because men are “visual”. ) Women do men no favors when they do this. Sooner or later the truth comes out.

    1. 96.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      You’re discounting the tradeoffs that men make and refuse to make tradeoffs yourself. So you can go for a guy who is an 8, but then have to accept that he might not be as smart, well-traveled, organized or spiritual. That’s what men do all the time: date women who are sweet and attractive because they make us feel good, instead of looking for someone who is “better”. If physical attraction is that important to you – no one is arguing – what else are you willing to trade off on?

    2. 96.2
      H

      I’ve read all your comments here, Sparkling Emerald, and I just want to say I am rooting for you. In many things – certainly in your self-respecting attitude – you remind me of myself. I would NEVER tell you (or any friend of mine – or even foe of mine, if I had any) to settle for anyone you don’t feel attracted to. (Speaking for myself, I cannot imagine what’s even the point of a relationship without huge physical attraction.)
      Nothing IS better – much better – than settling for  just anything.
       
       

  7. 97
    SparklingEmerald

    Evan, Why did you say I could go for an 8 ? I did not say I wanted an 8, I said I would love to fall in love with a 6 or 7. They don’t want me. They are chasing after 8s.

    It’s not that physical attraction is “that important to me”, but it is an ESSENTIAL ingredient to a relationship. I’ve said it over and over, I do not want a tidal wave of attraction, but I have to feel SOME attraction.

    Read the letter that a LW name Maya wrote to you, that she didn’t notice that she didn’t like her husbands FACE. There are a few letters to you from women to you that are in relationships with men they aren’t attracted to. There is no trade off in the world that could make a relationship with no sexual attraction satisfying. It’s tragic for the person who was “settled for”. No man would settle for a woman who he didn’t feel attracted to, and I don’t blame them. So why should we women do that ?

    I don’t require gobs of money, movie star good looks, a particular level of education, or a particular type of career. All I ask for is to feel attracted and to be treated well. (and I don’t need a guy to be tall, dark & a hot 10) Which one of those am I suppose to trade off ? To be treated like crap by a guy I’m attracted to, or settle for a nice guy who makes me cringe in the bedroom ?

    I am puzzled as to why you seem to think I want a rich, rock star when I don’t. Just a regular guy that I’m attracted to, who treats me well and who is into me.

    I can’t even seem to get short and/or average looking guys that I like to fall for me.

    1. 97.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Respectfully, SE, I think you are representative of that OKCupid study that showed that women think 80% of men are below average. Men, for all their flaws, have a more realistic distribution of what they find attractive. They may cast their lot with 10’s but if you look around, there are LOTS of perfectly average couples out there. The fact that you think your experience or dating pool is any worse than anybody else’s is the story here.

      1. 97.1.1
        SparklingEmerald

        EMK@97.1

        I read and commented on that article, and the men they showed that were voted “below average” I thought were pretty cute. I even gave my commentary in that article. Go ahead & search the article if you don’t believe me. I find a lot of men attractive, even men other women find too quirky. In fact, I thought many of those women must be nuts to vote those guys “below average”, and I really questioned how they gathered that info, and the accuracy of it.

        I don’t think my dating story is any worse than anyone else in my age group, but it is a lot worse than it was in my younger days. In my younger days I would say that I was attracted to about 80% of the men who approached me. Now so few men approach me to begin with, and of those who do, I can only muster up attraction for a tiny portion of them. When I look out in the sea of available age appropriate men, I see a large percentage of men who are attractive enough, but the ones I think are cute don’t approach me, and the ones I fee ZERO attraction for do.

        I don’t think men are to “blame” for any of this, if he’s not attracted to me, I would rather he didn’t approach, but I’m throwing in the towel because the only option left for me, are guys I’m not attracted to. Or one night stands and booty calls with the guys I am. Dating at 50+ is a crap shoot. I think I look good “for my age”, but unfortunately considering my age, that doesn’t count for much.

        But I do think that the large percentage of really good looking guys dropping out of committed relationships, has skewed everything. I don’t want a super hot 10, but someone who’s kinda cute would be nice.

        I don’t want to be like Maya, or any of the other girls who write to you and say they are involved with a man they aren’t attracted to because he was “so nice” to them. But that they can’t stand his face. How Yucky and How Cruel.

        Seriously, when a 400 pound hair farmer, with a shirtless selfie in his 2 line profile sends me a wink or “You’re Hot” e-mail, I’m supposed to give him a chance ? No thank you.

        1. Evan Marc Katz

          There you go with your black and white thinking again. Show me the post where I told you to go out with a 400 pound hair farmer and I’ll concede your point. Dating at 50+ is just called “dating.” Lots of my clients have success at it; which is why I’m unmoved by your consistent negativity about it. I care about you and want you to have love; I just don’t see what there is to say to you that would get you to become a glass half-full woman.

        2. SparklingEmerald

          Why don’t you show ME, where I said I only go for 8, 9 & now “cast my lots for 10’s” ?

          Why don’t you pull up the blog on the OKC study, which showed pics of men who were supposedly ranked low by women, and I commented and said I thought all but one of those guys were cute ?

          Why do you and your brother from another mother Karl keep insisting that I want a tall, dark and handsome superstar, when I have never said anything to suggest that, and in fact have consistently said, just a nice average kinda cute person THAT I AM ATTRACTED TO, who treated me well is ALL I need.

          I think you and your side kick like to throw out these false accusations because it fits YOUR narrative that women who aren’t coupled up is because they are “too picky”. (or too ugly)

          I get rejected by these average Joes’. I don’t ever reach out to guys out of my league. I get rejected by the supposedly most love-lorn men in America, short men.

          My inbox, mostly 400 pound hair farmers, or college kids cougar hunting or men old enough to be my dad. Or men looking for a nurse or a purse. And it’s not even e-mails, just winks and likes. I did better with my home made profile and my “separated” status. I thought a professional profile, photos and a DIVORCE would improve my responses, and they have gone down the drain.

          When I finally meet a man that doesn’t make me cringe at the thought of him putting his arm around me even, he either flat out rejects me, or only wants a one night stand.

          My glass isn’t half empty or half full, it’s cracked and doesn’t even hold water any more.

          I felt positive and hopeful for about 2 years and NOTHING.

          So much for positive thinking.

          You said . . .
          “I care about you and want you to have love”

          Thanks, I do appreciate that, but game is over for me. There just aren’t enough men to go around. Due to their shorter life span, and a smaller percentage of men wanting a real relationship vs the percentage of women who want a real relationship, there’s just not enough to go around. It’s like a game of musical chairs, only instead of there being ONE less chair than people, it’s more like FIVE less chairs. Not everyone gets taken.

  8. 98
    SparklingEmerald

    Steve55@70*** – At the time of this letter, she had been with him nearly a year. Her tragic lack of attraction for him is becoming more and more apparent. Giving it more time will just bring more heartache to them both.

    While I DO think the real victim in this scenario is the “settled” for husband, I can actually understand how a woman can get caught up in a relationship with a guy based on how nice he is to her, while disregarding her own lack of attraction.

    There IS societal pressure on women to give “nice guys” a chance. There IS a social stigma for women to still be single after a “certain age”. (Sometime after 30 women are considered “expired” if not married)

    If a woman is uncoupled and unhappy about it, there is a chorus of societal voices saying that SHE is somehow defective, and if said lonely woman ever admits that SHE turned down a guy for lack of chemistry, then she is basically told to sit down and shut up, because –hey, she had a nice guy interested in her, and she turned him away. We’re not allowed to have a “laundry list” of qualities, (even if the that “list” has 2 reasonable qualities) and apparently, OUR lack of attraction isn’t an issue in relationships, we are just supposed to accept any guy who is into us, and disregard our own lack of attraction.

    Also, if the mileage on a woman’s odometer is creeping up, (IOW, her number is getting to high) she may feel pressured to marry the guy who wants to marry her now in hopes that she will “learn to love him”, rather than take a chance that the next guy SHE feels it for will turn her down for having to high of a number.

    I have been in her shoes minus the marriage a few times. Lonely, wanting to be in a relationship, a “nice guy” comes along and treats me well, wants to pursue a relationship with me. So I “give him a chance”, and then my attraction doesn’t grow, while his does . . . It feels really awful to break things off after a few dates under those circumstances. I can’t IMAGINE how awful it must feel to marry under those circumstances, and to be cringing at his touch.

    I could understand how Maya found herself in a brief relationship under these circumstances, but to MARRY under them ?

    All she can do now, is to set this man free to find a woman who will truly love him. Giving it more time is only cruel.

    Once she gives him his freedom, he may find a wonderful woman who loves him back OR, he may be a bitter man who feels like he was played for a fool, and he may just go out on a revenge mission against women and tries to hurt as many women as he can.

    1. 98.1
      Malcolm

      Maybe your standards for attractiveness can’t be changed . . . or maybe they can.
      Here’s a first clue about it.  Can you definitely and clearly say what is happening to you internally when you find someone attractive (?) 
      Can you say (?)  Do you know (?)

      1. 98.1.1
        SparklingEmerald

        Malcom at 98.1  – I’m not sure what you are getting at with your question, but I suspect it is more an agenda than a question.
        Most people know if they are attracted to or not, weather they understand the internal mechanics of it or not.  My understanding of sexual attraction is that there is a brain chemistry response, and then there are other physical responses that happen south of the brain.  Attraction is NOT a choice, weather or not we choose to act on it IS a choice.  When I find myself attracted to someone who isn’t a good match, hard as it may be, I walk away.  If I meet a guy I feel ZERO attraction to or am repulsed by, I wish him well on his search.  Believe me, I’ve TRIED to “give a guy a chance” to see if attraction grows, but no matter how “nice” he is, zero attraction means nothing happening internally that we call attraction.  If there is a little glimmer of attraction, I’ll give it a chance, but if it’s zero attraction, it’s a no go.  For 2 reasons.  One reason is because I HATE that feeling of a guy trying to get touchy-feely-cozy with me, when I’m not feeling it back for him.  The other reason is because I don’t like to play games with other people’s emotions.  I know toying with other people’s hearts has become a national past time,  with the players and spectators routing for their “team”, with their team being their gender, but I don’t want to play that game, and I don’t want to be a cheerleader on the sidelines saying “You go girl” when women play men to get the restaurant tour or boost their egos.  
        Right now, I am in a very, very new relationship with someone I met after I threw in the towel and said “screw it, I give up”.  I did not have to talk myself into feeling attracted to him.  The feeling seems to be mutual.  I don’t have to nudge him to make plans with me and I don’t have to force myself to give him a chance.  I know there is a lot of advice out there * telling women to settle for men they aren’t attracted under the theory that women can “learn to love” someone.  Well, I  don’t buy it.  Yes, a little seed of attraction can grow, if nurtured, but zero attraction or downright repulsion is a no go.  
        By advice out there*, I am not talking about EMK, ok folks ? 

        1. Malcolm

          Well, let me offer you (a part of) my experience (which may or may not be useful or relevant to you, of course). 
          On the fly in everyday life, I sometimes notice that I’m having a “she’s attractive” response to a Woman.  By that time, the underlying process (whatever it is) has already happened — it was instantaneous and below my level of awareness.
          Then . . . I stop and ask myself “Why (?)”  I never actually get an answer — that’s not the point.
          Instead, what invariably happens is that I consciously and intentionally LOOK at the Woman for a moment or two. And 90% of the time, that initial experience of attraction recedes dramatically. It’s pretty interesting . . . and I’m inclined to think it’s also important and useful.
          Best regards . . .
           

  9. 99
    sm3233

    I only found the patience to read a few posts and even after several glasses (which to most Irish woman equates to several bottles… _ and that is a loose joke) of wine I must wonder and ponder about my own relationship(s) _ I use that loosely because we build one relationship from another wither it be family, friends, ex’s or another variable. I am a recently 35 year young woman, I become frustrated because I look like I’m about 26ish (depending on lighting, mood of your day, and number of cocktails… that magically intertwined with a desperate falsity and a wishful thinking outcome the transformation between wanting to be a wholesome individual and a sexy pre cougar … well even I’m confused) but where does one go to meet someone of adequate measure. Trust me I don’t even mean meeting your “soul mate” but dam being single is no disease, and while it may have been wonderful at one time (and I do mean the single part) how about now?!!!
     

  10. 100
    Suzanne

    Hello Singles
    I am hearing a lot of anger so please relax.  Now swallow this.  I a 55 and matried twice. I have 2 grown kids.   I go out a lot . A lot of men (not all) want me.  Men from 30 to 65.  So stop being all that.  Be sweet . Be sexy ( your own brand ).  Cook a great meal and be a great lover.   Men want attention , food and sex.   They are simple creatures.   Good luck ladies.  

     

    1. 100.1
      J

      Thank you Suzzane :D

    2. 100.2
      Malcolm

      Karma to be like you are.  Karma not to be.

    3. 100.3
      Lisa

      simple is an understatement… you’re right …that’s what i love about men period ..is simplicity …the leg work is just exhausting at my age…..food , sex and great attention…that part is not hard …its egos that come with it.
       

  11. 101
    SmartGirl

    It seems that everyone is missing the point. If you have been dating a long time without success, then you need to accept that the voting public have cast their vote. You’re just not as attractive as you want to believe and you are clearly attempting to date out of your league. Yes there are some time wasters out there but there are also lots of genuine guys. Ladies if you are being rejected over and over, then you are aiming too high and out of your league. Sorry, it’s the harsh truth, delivered to you by the general dating populace. There is nothing wrong with having high standards but you will just have to accept that your standards will keep you single indefinitely. If you really want a relationship, then you will need to get realistic about yourself. Sorry – very harsh truth – feel free to flame me! But like it or not it’s the truth.

    1. 101.1
      Malcolm

      It’s supply and demand and their price is too high. 
      Lot of truth in that . . .

  12. 102
    Lisa

    oh..please Gordo…or whoever you are…” Susan, your life doesn’t sound interesting”????? …..really Gordo? She is having the life she wants not what men like yourself wants…i’m guessing you’re getting ready for your hot date GORDO FORDO…that was a very ugly thing to say…and you’re on this site because…………..???    GO SUSAN! You sound beautiful with a fulfilling life that you see fit and having fun doing it..and I know without a plus one but dammit I agree with everything you are saying …I’m 45, very successful and yes…even beautiful …been told I was pretty on a daily basis which is one of the reasons i’m successful..NO …not because i used my body or looks to get here…..NO…I didn’t flirt my way up or anything like that…I was fired from a job one time by the owner’s wife because she said i was too pretty to work in her establishment..yes…she actually said the words…geesh…there should be a new meaning for an “at will” state…several companies I worked at…if it wasn’t the CEO himself , owner , proprietor or some male exec coming on to me it was some man thinking he could get a date or two from me…i got so tired of it …so I got pissed off and had a choice of getting their millions through the courts..i didn’t have time for both so I started my own business and became quite successful at it…I’m also intellectual ..i’ve done ballet for years including crossfit and other physical activities, so my body is quite fine for my age..i must say…I am very pleasant to talk with and quite approachable. I smile while turning heads when i walk into the room so people don’t think i am not approachable. I can work a room with the best of them with all walks of life.  I don’t do it as much as Susan …(GO GIRL) but i’m a out there a little bit. I’m very nice so I’ll greet a bum on the street just before I walk into a five star….however, I’m exhausted ..Most men I dated are professionals..and they started to make me tired…because they are smart and professionals in their business and don’t know how to treat a woman is not a relationship make…trust me..i’ve done the leg work…most of them didn’t want to go home to the women like myself…however, it would give them bragging rights to the point of the show…pretty, smart and sexy lady on my arm and chest all out…but they didn’t want to start life with the women like me…it’s a joke…and I love when men like EVAN says…let the man be a man…that’s hogwash…I do exactly that…Ok…we don’t have to discuss the equation of PI or the relations of circles and spheres.. or talk about binary codes and HTML ..i can talk about the latest and greatest world events or come up with a good dry humorous joke or two..and I’ll rub some sore feet when he gets home paired with a hot bath and hot treats as well..i’m not a prude! ..I’m also a great cook..ok..I know i eat organic and shop for foods without nutrient labels…but i can throw down on a good burger for the sake of a social date or a cook out…of course….I’ll pair it with a good red or something but i can have fun with food just like the rest of my fabulous female sisters would do on a date…and internet dating for me is a total joke…i went on three  dates found on those “DIY ..fake a profile because i’m a loser at dating” dating sites…every one of them  lied on their profile..I gave it a good diligent 6 months…i poked back, like a photo or two…even excepted a few flirts ..chatted a little…i was involved….it was absolutely horrific ..I demanded my money back ..and they gave it to me…NEVER AGAIN…I’m like Susan with that…I saw my shadow and boom…i’m going back in! i said ok…try facebook….I actually met a great guy …we started spending a great deal of time together ..I could actually sit with him and have great conversations without my brain hurting.. he was a retired navy captain and a single father of two very mature and smart boys..i admired him and had a great deal of respect for him, as so he with me. we really had fun together and he was actually one of the few guys that I could and wanted to spend a lot of time with and had a ball doing so..he was very kind and sweet and extremely intuitive….I love love love intuitive men! ..i didn’t have to play “identify my feelings” with him…  but he wasn’t looking for a relationship…of course ..all i heard was “he wasn’t looking for a relationship with me”  he told me that i didn’t need him..HA!!!…that one put me over the edge for sure…so..it ended..and it was time to close that time sucking adult virtual world down…i was disgusted between the likes and the unwanted invites to “just because its Tuesday” events that I wouldn’t even invite myself to and watching grown people tell me how many freaking candy crush points they have ..like i was really interested in what level you are on a virtual game..hell…i don’t even eat candy…really?   …and because i didn’t feel the need to know info on where you’re going that weekend didn’t do it for me..so, I closed the account and spent my 45th birthday at my beachfront waiting for my REAL friends to call and wish me happy birthday!  way too much pressure and all the NEWS I could NOT USE bored me out of my martini …. so Susan, my girl…there is nothing wrong with you ..I wake up like this…Love me or leave me ..I just want someone to eat cheese with…I don’t need a man to wine and dine me…I don’t need expensive jewelry or fancy cars and I don’t need to know how much money in anyone’s bank account…I don’t need for a man to show me off or eat expensive caviar …or display fancy pretentious affairs or baubles…I have all that..seen all that and do all that and did all that..I’m simply not impressed…I could honestly eat cheese with a man that loves me more than life itself.. there is someone for my crazy self that will embrace me in all of my non perfect world never beige most fabulous self…

    1. 102.1
      Malcolm

      Does this woman give the impression of being . . . calm and soothing (?)
      A lot of Men . . . like a Woman who is calm and soothing.

      1. 102.1.1
        tamara

        LOL! The above 2 comments really made me laugh :)

      2. 102.1.2
        Lisa

        hmm..Malcolm ..and why are you on this forum?  because your date card is filled up? and you  come here to share all your wonderful experiences …correct?

  13. 103
    J

    Hey Lisa,

    Try Evan’s help. If it does not work, take your money back. What do you have to lose if you already have and do everything you want … as you said ? 

    1. 103.1
      Lisa

      Thanks..J…I just might…I’m open to learning ..i’m just so exhausted…and i guess a little fed up…

      1. 103.1.1
        J

        Hi Lisa,
         
        I can imagine how tired you might be … but please … do not give up … have a leap of faith … If you are as much amazing as you described yourself … you certainly deserve someone really good (inside and outside) … and sometimes “good” takes time and patience. My fingers are crossed for you :)

  14. 104
    andrea

    First, to get to the heart of the problem. You can’t assume there is someone right out there for everyone. You don’t know that.

    Secondly our culture breeds contempt between the sexes. And who profits from this. All the companies that sell products to keep you busy when you are bored and lonely and hoping to distract or improve yourself from your bored loneliness. Who could that be? Corporations that want you to work extra long hours, companies selling things to make you more attractive to the opposite sex, porn, video games, even the military, television, media in general…basically all the industries that you wouldn’t spend nearly as much of your time and money on if you had someone great to go for a walk with or cuddle with or do something with that doesn’t involve spending money on those businesses. Look at the utter contempt we are propagandized with today and ask yourself why would anyone do that?

    1. 104.1
      SpanklingEmerald

      Andrea @ 104 – Thanks for your comment.  I was beginning to think it was time for me to don a tin foil hat and be on the look out for black helicopters,  but sometimes I see an insidious hand behind the hatred and contempt being stirred up between the sexes. And I wondered to my self “WHY would anyone want to do that ?”
       
      There are websites for women who hate men and there are websites for men who hate women.  Lots of ugliness on all of them. 
       
      I was beginning to think that perhaps the companies that sell foreign brides were behind this.  Either to sell their mail order brides, or perhaps the larger goal is just to get American Citizenship for as many non Americans as possible.   Every now and then, men will pop onto this board to say that ALL American women are worthless and then proceed to say “Let me help you buy a foreign bride”.
       
      But as you have pointed out, there are many companies who can profit if men and women are constantly seeking but never finding a satisfying relationship.

  15. 105
    RustyLH

    I have been reading the experiences of the women on this thread, and it suddenly hit me how identical their experience is to that of the average young men from high school through their mid and sometimes late 20’s.  Finding a mate for many men at that point in their lives was one of heartbreak, frustration, rejection, self doubt, anger at women, low self esteem, and even at times – opting out, etc…
    Maybe understanding that a bit will help women understand, and even be more forgiving of men.  A Brazilian woman once told me that they have a saying about this kind of imbalance. “While you laugh, I cry.”  It may be healing for women to understand that there was a time where they laughed, and men cried.  Now that has reversed.  While it may not be nice, it must be understood that in many ways, men are simply mirroring how women acted.  I don’t think men actually do it with malice, they do it for the same simple reason that women did.  Because they can.  Because they have more choices available to them.  Choices that are acceptable to them..even remaining single.

  16. 106
    Peace & Serenity

    I stumbled across this post and have been interested by it as I believe I have the same perspective as the original poster at one point in my life.  One book that has really shifted my perspective on dating is, If the Buddha Dated…..and I recommend it for anyone who wants a break from the more “tradition” datiing perspective.  

    I was not able to read through every post—but in reading through some I noticed some reoccurring statements such as “I’m attractive” “I have been told that Im attractive”, “I have my own life–activities–friends”, “I have tried online dating”, “online dating is hard”, “I’m thin –Im fit –Im ….Im not ugly (wow what a judgement there–what IS ugly to you anyway)”, “men only want women who are supermodels and they are only a “5” or below average “…..and a few more others 

    Here are my thoughts:
    First lets take the physical:  

    IMO being in a relationship is not ultimatly about being what you call fit or thin or attractive — as all of those things are subjective (yes even “thin”).  To me it shows that there is some sort of yardstick, or measurement that you are holding yourself and others up against, (not that you consciously  think that but in those comments an underlyng judgement  seems to be implied).  It also seems like the thinking of one who makes those comments could be that these are the things that attract a man and since you have those things then men should be attracted to you (there’s and expectation and assumption  there too).  

    However, what about people that YOU SEE AS not fit, or thin (when is your perception on thinness a prerequisite for a relationship anyway), or attractive, does that mean that they are not?  Are those the people that you feel should not be in relationships or don’t have people who want to pursue relationships with them?  Is that actually true?  

    I feel that attractiveness is all in the  eye of the beholder.  Fitness varies from person to person, and whatever you perceive as thinness is not at ALL a prerequisite for a relationship!  I guess my main observation is that there is a ton of judgements in these statements, and the one thing about judgements is that they can be limiting even if one is not aware of their presence.  

    Next: Online dating is hard!
    My thoughts–its hard if you say it’s hard.  Look at your perspective of what hard is.  What are you expecting from online dating, or dating in general.  Are you expecting that all men be a certain way, that the dates or interactions are going to result in a long term relationship, that its not acceptable to initiate online contact, that if you had a few, some , or many dates that did not meet your expectations then its a worthless cause?  

    To me now, dating is a process, a learning experience, and opportunity to teach me something about myself and of cours an opportunity to interact with someone who I did not know before.  Its only hard if I say its hard and if my expectations are that it will turn out a certain way.  

    Also , online dating is only one way to meet someone- when I divide that I want to put energy into dating I will have a variety of avenues to meet people:  dance classes and events, singles outings, special interest activities and clubs, friends, out of town events, traveling to other countries, and continuing these things again with the perspective that there is no “perfect time” but if I keep meeting people odds are I will find someone who Im compatible with and who is compatible with me!  

    Finally: Perspective!!!!!

    For me life is greatly about perspective–you can’t change anyone else ….but the one thing you absolutely CAN change is  your thinking —which in turn changes your feelings—which in turn changes your energy!  

    I have been looking at how I perceive things, my core beliefs about myself and others, and the energy that that puts out.  Not because Im trying to find romantic relationship, but because I believe that investing time in changing my thinking and perspective and outlook on life and those around me is of immense value to me and for me.  

    From that place I can then decide for myself I I really do want to invite someone into my life in a romantic way and put energy into actually being open, receptive, and excited about that happening.  I hope that I will come to recognize quickly when I meet men who I may be open to having a romantic relationship with but who may not (for whatever reason) be on that same page, wish them well and continue on –not thinking of it as rejection or thinking anything less of myself but being grateful for the experience—but not spend months hoping for something to develop and continue to meet and explore other possible romantic interests.  (Same for if I meet someone who is romantically interested in me but me not in them).  

    I believe relationships are to be had by many, around the world, and they all look different, sound different, are for different reasons, and play out in different ways.  In my opinion, really if you just want to be in a relationship—there is one to be had!  It may not look like what you thought, or come in the way that you thought ( I lived overseas and have a friend who said she would never find someone, but when she moved to a different country, she ended up meeting a guy from that country , and now they are married..lol). 

    Hope this helps someone out there! 

    Happy relating :) 

  17. 107
    Steve

    Hi,

    I think a lot of things happening isn’t overly genres related. If you look at yourself and stop comparing to others, and realize there are a lot of people out there. Lots of people are alone or depressed or afraid to fully enjoy life, I can’t blame them because life is not easy (atleast not for everyone).

    People have demons and troubles, bad memories, experiences and apprehension. Add all the issues and human element and you’ll understand why just having an active life or doing things isn’t going to change much, unless you change your view of life radically.

    A lot of people have too much expectations born from time and experimentation and pain.  Being afraid throughout life, they constantly try to think they deserve or can get better. Sadly reality is not as good to most people as society would portray.

    I went from radical changes in my life in the last couple years and I could drastically see the amount of beautiful women eyes adding up as some changes took place, I learned to love myself more than I ever did, in a real and honest way. When you shine your brightest, people you deserve are much more than likely to notice and be attracted to you.

    Once you look past just good looks or superficial, it’s actually genuinely difficult to meet quality people, it takes a lot of efforts and you need to be out there constantly to make it happen, in the real world it’s more like a persistance, luck and number game more than anything.

    Good luck to all of you, I’m still looking! 

  18. 108
    Sam Rogers

    When I was in my 30s I married a Russian lady ten years younger than myself. It was fantastic: I never changed a diaper, washed dishes, did laundry, etc.   I did man’s work and she did woman’s work. She made a few western female friends and gradually her attitude changed for the worse.
    After ten years of marriage I had to divorce her because she became intolerably westernized and bitchy. Now that I’m in my mid-40s I go to Thailand a few times a year and dip my stick in 20-somethings. Life is great! 
     
    42 year old western woman? Ha ha, I don’t think so.

    1. 108.1
      Julia

      Wow, so you travel around the world to pay for sex. You seem like a real catch.

    2. 108.2
      Karmic Equation

      How cynical.
       
      Just as a “good man is hard to find” for women in her 40’s, so apparently are good women for men.
       
      But we exist.
       
      If you truly want to date a good American woman and have a relationship, she’s out there, but you have to work a little harder to find her.
       
      If all you want are easy lays with pretty girls in her 20’s, then Thailand, Columbia, among others are places you can go for that. 
       
      My exhusband had friends who were 5’s/6’s that annually would plan trips to Thailand or Columbia for that express purpose. They were banging 10s out there whereas the American 10’s here wouldn’t even look at them. I always felt sorry for these men. It’s just their way of dealing with rejection from American women.

    3. 108.3
      tamara

      Sigh, I hope and pray my male friends (some of the sweetest ppl alive–so don’t give up hope, ladies~) don’t end up soo cynical like u…Out of curiosity, why Thailand? Aren’t there enough prostitutes in ur own country?

      1. 108.3.1
        Julia

        I doubt your sweet male friends are anything like this guy. This man hasn’t just given up on western women, he is a misogynist who hates women who think for themselves. That’s why he got a mail-order bride. It seems though once she got a green card, she left his controlling butt. Now he flies half way around the world to pay women for sex. This guy is no price. No kind, loving woman ANYWHERE should have to settle for a man like this. 

        1. tamara

          @Julia: That’s true, they’re nothing like him, but then they’re 30 and below whereas Sam is in his mid-40s, and it’s possible (though hopefully improbable) that their next 15 yrs will harden them till they think like him.
           
          U’re right that he’s not a great guy, and it’s for the best that he’s removed himself from the dating pool as he’d probably make his partner miserable with his attitude. But Karmic is also right that it’s kinda sad, I think–perhaps he’s had such bad experiences with women that he’s become a woman-hater. Be nice to the guys in your life. :) I think guys who feel loved and cared for by women are unlikely to become misogynistic.

      2. 108.3.2
        starthrower68

        It’s easy for him to come on here and say such things in relative anonymity.  He’s entitled to his opinions and attitudes as long as he is honest with women about who he is and what he’s about. I would not wish that on any woman but if she sees what he’s about and still gets involved then she at least does so with her eyes wide open and she has to take ownership of that choice.  I am not sure, however, that such men are aware that they are doing American women a favor by going out of the country.  We would all like to find live, but not, I think, at any cost.

  19. 109
    Realistic 1

    After landing on this site, I have read a lot and will continue to read more, but I’ve got to say, that I’ve realized that no matter where or how people are meeting each other, the outcome appears to be the same. From hearing stories and not just here, it’s all pretty much the same ‘ol thing, it seems.. the same experiences, some of which I relate to from my dating and relationship past.

    I would wonder at times what was wrong with me, when something didn’t work out, since I would attract men in public without trying and have successful dates and long-term relationships.  However things do not always last, based upon how many begin relationships and each individual’s  personality and capacity for anything steady.  I don’t think that anyone should feel like failures, just due to our negative experiences, but there is such pressure for people to succeed at becoming and remaining a couple.

    It makes it very difficult for women especially, when the overall idea for men has become to unrealistically seek the most perfect-looking or idealized female they can imagine.   Since this is promoted in constant imagery, instead of focusing at the goods inside for BOTH men and women, it is pretty hopeless.   As a female ages, it becomes more difficult, no matter how nice looking we may remain to be.  I’ve said, I can touch up the exterior, but I cannot change my age, which, honestly, on the inside, I am still the same girl as always – just more experienced!  As many women must feel, some men are really missing out on something that could be stable, fun, sexually responsive and intellectually stimulating, due to their just desiring an empty “Barbie doll”.

    I believe that people would be much happier, if we were raised on “equal terms”, instead of being subjected to separate influences that are not going to bring real people together.  We should all be “developing properly from the inside out” – not that this does not exist, but I think it is unfortunately rare to stumble upon another who is not only balanced emotionally, but who is worth being involved with, no matter the exterior.

  20. 110
    H

    Some people may need to change something… perhaps. But there are people who definitely do NOT need to change anything about them – unless they want to settle for a person who is no real match for them, AND commit a major crime by suppressing their God-given (or nature-given, whatever) qualities. Such people may be rare – though I suspect that they are less rare thn one would think – but they do exist, and their main “problem” is that they are simply TOO GOOD for most. Yes, that’s right. It may be politcially incorrect, but the reality is, while all people should have equal opportunities, not all people are equally accomplished or naturally endowed. Let’s not pretend it isn’t so.

    There is also the little matter of people living in remote places or places where the choice is numerically reduced to start with. What would you advise them to do? The internet again?
    The internet seems to work relatively fine for those whose standards aren’t particularly high to begin with (no offence intended to anyone reading this). And even in those cases, chances are interesting people would be from other countries; and long-distance relationships don’t work well mst of the time… that’s if a relationship develops at all.

    I sound angry, don’t I? I am – somewhat. But not anyone in particular – just at “fate”, if you will. And at all those who keep babbling platitudes (not to me, but I’e heard and read it often enough) like “you’l find someone when you least expect it”, “you’ll find someone when you’re not looking”, “there is someone for everyone” and so on. (Not to mention those “twin flames” believers.)

    I have never looked. I always thought I would MEET the love of my life – meet, not “find”.
    I did not.
    I’ll be damned if I start looking now!

    But I am angry, yes. Because sometimes – most times, lately – I just don’t see the point of having been blessed in the genetic lottery (and I don’t mean just looks and intelligence and talent and a kind heart) and then having to spend life without love, without good sex (which I LOVE!), without tenderness, without someone stronger than myself to be my rock.

    At other times I remember: it is because not “having” anyone pushed me to develop in myself all those things that I would have loved in others. And now I actually don’t NEED anyone.

    But it still hurts not to be able to embrace someone, to feel my heart skip a few beats, to kiss and make love, to have fun in life with a man who’d love me as much as I’d love him.

    1. 110.1
      Jeremy

      H,  I feel for you and understand your comments and tone.  It is fascinating to me, as a male, the incredible difference in perspective in the way that men and women approach relationships.  Both men and women may be frustrated at their inability to find a mate, but only a woman would have written the things you did.

      It all comes down to what we look for in a mate.   Most men look for their complement – a woman who is unlike them, and possesses qualities they like but don’t have, but want in a mate (Especially feeling, sensitivity, sensuality, nurturing).

       Most women look for a man who is like them (an “equal”) – who possesses the qualities they have, and value in themselves – only better.  Hence your comment about having someone stronger than yourself to be your rock.  Problem is that the more that a woman develops qualities in herself that were traditionally masculine, the less percentage of the male population will qualify as better than her.  Thus, no one will be attractive to her except for the very elite males who have almost limitless choice among females.

      A man would  never write that he couldn’t find a mate because he was too good for everyone.  First of all, what does that have to do with finding a mate? (Answer – nothing for a man, everything for a woman).  A man might say that he can’t seem to meet someone attractive enough, kind enough, sexy enough (who likes him back), but would never say that all women out there are his inferiors.  Even if it were true, it would be irrelevant.  Are we looking for equals or complements?

  21. 111
    happy single

    Most of my friends are married. They’re not any happier than I am, even though I have spent my whole adult life alone and I am now close to 50.
    Happiness doesn’t depend on the physical conditions of your life: whether you’re married or not; whether you have children or not; whether you’re fat or thin; whether you’re rich or poor.etc. etc. etc.
    Happiness is a gift you choose to give yourself. You must choose to give this gift to yourself over and over and over again until it becomes a habit.
    How to you give yourself the gift of happiness? Practice gratitude: start each day by listing 10 things you are so grateful and happy for. Practice love: be kind, accepting, and generous with yourself and others. Practice health: feed yourself properly, go to bed early, exercise your body. Practice engagement with life: Focus on doing the activities that fill you with joy.

  22. 112
    Bill

    Well there are certainly many of us great men out there that want so much to meet a good woman to settle down with too, but we are having so much trouble. There are so many very stuck up women that play very hard to get, since they really do think their God’s gift to men. But they are certainly Not.

  23. 113
    The Known Truth

    So many of you women out there play very hard to get, and what makes you so damn picky? You date men that treat you so rotten, and yet you stay with them. There are many of us good men out there that do treat women very well, and with respect too.

  24. 114
    Truth Is

    Well many of the women today are very Picky when it comes to Relationships.

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