If I’m a Great Woman, Why Haven’t I Met Anyone Else Great?

Wow. Where do I start? I’m 42, and have never been married, and I guess that I have been dating idiots, or men who are not even dating material for the last 10 years. People always ask me why I am still single, I get all the popular comments, like “Oh, that’s a shame, still single at your age”. It’s ridiculous. There is nothing wrong with me, I’m athletic, been told I am attractive, outgoing, and I enjoy sports, and all sorts of out door activities, and have a great circle of friends, so why after all this time have I not met anyone? My last serious relationship was back in college! I’ve dated on and off for a few months to a year, only to have things crash and burn for one reason or another. What am I doing wrong? I’ve tried the online dating, only to become seriously jaded by it all. I do have an open mind, and have even considered meeting and dating guys I normally would not. But nothing ever comes from it. Do I give up? I’m tired of friends telling me that when I least expect it, I will meet someone great, well, I have not been expecting it, and it never came. What now? :(

Lauren

Dear Lauren,

I’m reminded of a story that Rich Gosse, the founder of AmericanSingles, once shared with me. It was an amazing response to how he dealt with skeptical press inquiries about his new business model.

“What kind of loser (I’m paraphrasing here) would go to an online dating site to meet someone?” the press would ask.

To which Rich would reply: ‘Well, there are a number of people out there who are socially awkward. There are a number of people who are somewhat weak and needy. There are a number of people who are so desperate for companionship that they’d do anything to avoid being alone. I call these people ‘married people’.”

I thought that was a brilliant answer. After all, there’s no special skill for getting married. Buy a ring, take a vow, and you’re married. It’s why I’ve never once worried about my qualifications to give dating advice. I don’t suddenly get smarter if I propose to my girlfriend. And if she dumped me, I wouldn’t suddenly get dumber.

All of this is me saying that there’s nothing wrong with being single. … Despite the title of my second book, Why You’re Still Single: Things Your Friends Would Tell You If You Promised To Get Mad, being single is a fine state of affairs. I’ve been that way for 35 years and frankly, I’m a little anxious about getting married.

That said, most single people (including myself) DO want to get married. Which is why questions like Why You’re Still Single and “Why He Isn’t That Into Me” are supremely relevant. And since the age-old answers like “I’m picky,” “I just haven’t met the right guy,” and “Men suck” aren’t leading us to a desired conclusion, everything I write is designed to create a greater level of self-awareness in how we are complicit in our own fates.

Shining the light on myself, I’ve definitely been too picky at times. I’ve been difficult and argumentative at other times. I’ve been in dire financial and career straits at other times. Not surprisingly, now that my career as a dating coach is in order and my head is on straight, I’m more open to giving and receiving love.

So what’s your blind spot? I couldn’t tell you, but I know there’s something there that you’re not seeing. Read this post from a few months back and you’ll hear yourself, Lauren. It’s from another amazing 42-year-old woman, who can’t fathom why she hasn’t put it all together. You seem to be more self-aware, in that you’re claiming to have an open mind about dating. So that’s a start.

But I think the greatest thing keeping single people single is that they don’t truly make an effort to change things. They say they do, but they don’t really DO anything about pursuing love.

Think about dating as a job hunt. This is the core metaphor driving my first book, and a guiding principle of my friend Rachel Greenwald’s book as well. When we’re unemployed, we do everything in our power to find work. Yet when we’re single, we sort of hope things will work out. You said it yourself. “It’ll happen when I least expect it.” No! It’ll happen when you create it. So what are you doing to create it?

Are you telling your friends to set you up with single eligible guys?

Are you going to singles events – parties, trips, cruises – or at least doing activities that have single men in attendance?

Are you taking online dating as seriously as you could be?

Have you gotten a new photo?

Have you a one-of-a-kind essay?

Have you signed up for a six-month subscription on a big dating site?

Have you been searching for and initiating contact with men?

Have you been giving men second chances on dates?

Have you considered hiring a matchmaker or a http://www.evanmarckatz.com/coaching/?

If you’re not doing all of these things, you’re not doing enough. Yes, it’s great when the universe provides a cute, attractive, successful, intuitive, funny, kind, emotionally available man at your doorstep. But since this hasn’t happened in 42 years, what makes you think it’s gonna start now?

Listen, I don’t know you from Adam, which is why any advice I can give you is a bit scattershot. But I can tell you this:

Happiness studies have shown that happy people are the ones whose goals and actions are aligned. So if a guy is a people person, but works as a security guard by himself for eight hours a night, it should come as no surprise that he’s not all that happy.

So ask yourself: are your goals and your actions aligned?

Your goal: You want to be married.

Your actions thus far: ???

If love is truly more important than anything else in the world, maybe you should start living your life like it. Take action and change can happen. Otherwise, it’s just a lot of magical thinking.

If you want to know how to take action, you can reach me here.

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Comments:

  1. 91
    Bonney

    One thing is that i’m suprised, there are single men and women out there who desperately need their match and they clain not to have found 1. I was in dating sites before, presented my interests and all necesaries, but not showing my image made me quit the game. Belive me or not, no lady showed any interest for three month until i shut off my accounts and decided to be. If singles online would understand and trust each other, we would have paved way for a none single world, but if all men are the same, or all women are the same, then there will be no hope thus creating way for lesbian conjestions.

  2. 92
    yeahright

    I see a lot of posts like this online and all I can think, as a man, is ‘If a woman looks down on all men as beneath her, can she ever find the right man?’.

    Consistently I hear about how ‘bad’ we men are. Dirty, smelly pigs, stupid, perverted and the list goes on. All coming from women. I believe it’s entirely impossible for anyone to be happy with a partner of the opposite sex when they have no respect for them. And from what I’m seeing all over the net, women don’t have much respect for men these days.

    Of course, it works both ways. Men can be the same way. Not all of us though and not all women. Thankfully. The problem is, like most of us, many women prejudge before actually getting to know the man. I get called all kinds of names by strange women who don’t even know me. Just out of the blue at social functions, out in public etc – before I’ve even said a word to anyone. They just come up to me and insult me. And yet I’m told I’m good looking and all that jazz. Yeah right. lol.

    All of us have been hurt by members of the opposite sex in some way or other. But judging someone based on their gender before you know them is sheer bigotry. If you hold that inside you then you will never be happy. Ever. And this goes for everyone, not just women who think they’re above men.

    Men are sick of being expected to be perfect to women. We are nothing close to it. And neither are women. However, many women these days think they are perfect. I suppose they picked that up from all the politically correct propaganda that’s been fed to the last few generations. People have to start thinking for themselves though. NO human being is perfect, so stop expecting it.

    Most of us men try to be the best we can. But it never seems to be enough. If you’re a woman who wants a ‘bad boy’, go get the bad boy. Don’t waste the time of decent men because you don’t know what you want. I knew what I wanted and my partner did as well. Thus, we are happy together.

    Stop living in a fantasy world – look for something real. Otherwise, play the single game and have fun.

    This is my advice based on being a 46 year old man living in the 21st century in Canada. You don’t have to like it, but it’s the truth according to my life own experiences.

    Best of luck to you..Sincerely.

    1. 92.1
      Log

      Well said.

  3. 93
    Kathy

    I kind of have the same problem but I think the reason is that we are approaching the wrong men… Evan has said it, the men that we consider dateable are like 1% of the population so its obvious we mostly are going to find wrong guys! We should be more receptable to the guys that are mature and  relationship oriented, men that know how to treat a woman, and not inmature men who still think they are in high school, thats not easy to find in our society but its not impossible if we give people the chance. Thats what im doing now, im not looking at pretty faces anymore because guys that are good looking tend to be the wrong guys, im looking at their personalities and now im getting to know as a friend a overweight man, he is not my type but he is very nice, fun and serious about relationships so i decided to start as a companionship thing and see if something develops from there.  Good luck wtih your search!

  4. 94
    Talan

    I don’t want a smart independent woman.  I want a woman I don’t have to fight who wants to be my companion.
    In today’s day, woman have far more of an advantage in getting a career and sticking with it.  They have also have a much easier time actually getting a relationship.
    If your as strong and independent as you claim, then you should go out and seek and find a man (or woman) that compliments you, not go on and complain about why you can’t.  You “CAN” if you try, maybe you should lower your standards a bit?  If you want to me a man then try filling your shoes with what they have to deal with, like seeking a partner.

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