I’m in my 30′s and I Don’t Want to Waste Time With the Wrong Men. How Soon Should I Find Out If He’s Serious About Marriage and Kids?

I'm in my 30's and I Don't Want to Waste Time With the Wrong Men. How Soon Should I find Out If He's Serious About Marriage and Kids?

Hi Evan,

My friends and I are all in the range of early to mid- to somewhat late 30′s and this is a very difficult time to find “the one”. When I was in my 20′s, I never worried about having to find out if my date/bf wanted kids or where he wanted to live or if we have the same ideas about money and spending. We would spend 2+ years together (not worrying about future or marriage) and then break up if we got sick of each other or fell out of love.

But now, let’s be realistic, how long do we really have to waste? I am almost 33. If I spent 2 years with someone and it didn’t work out, I would then be 35, and I want kids!

So, at this age, how soon is it okay to have a talk about what we want in life… 1st, 2nd, 3rd date? What if a guy that is amazing says he is unsure he wants kids and I know I want them? I drop him, right? If a guy in his mid 30′s thinks it is ok to date for 2 years and see if it is right, then my instinct is to let him go. By the same token, I feel that it is appropriate to KNOW by 6 months if this person is the one or not. Is this correct? Let me remind you that I’m not talking about people in their 20′s who enter into 5-year relationships. My friends and I want to be smart. I just ended a relationship with a guy after 6 months who told me he had serious doubts that I was the one.

How long until you should know (at this age) and how long until you should be planning to get engaged/married? I know people that get engaged after 6-8 months because they just know. I do NOT want to waste time. I am still considered young, but one long-term relationship that goes nowhere and I am 1-2 years older! If a guy tells me he wants to date for 2 years, then if we are right, he wants to get married, but then travel for a year before thinking about having kids, shouldn’t I run? I hope all of this makes sense. All of my close single girlfriends are in the same boat. We are all in the same age range and try to live by the “rules” of not bringing up marriage and kids and future goals or when we want those things. But shouldn’t we talk about that early on, in order to know we are on the same page? I want to date someone that is also looking for “the one” and knows that he wants it soon, just as I do.

Thanks so much, SK

Dear SK,

I couldn’t be more sympathetic to you. Now that I’m almost 37, most of my friends are in this 35-40 range, and there’s no doubt of the psychological toll that being single takes on them. The window to have kids is a narrow one, and, for that reason, it makes everything feel urgent.

The window to have kids is a narrow one, and, for that reason, it makes everything feel urgent.

I’m confident that just about anyone in your position would feel the exact same as you do. But, like an employee who has to grin and bear it when he’s got to work overtime, you have to figure out a way to smile, breathe deeply, and not get overwhelmed by your feelings. First, let’s try an exercise. Pretend you’re a guy for a second.

Now reread your letter. I’ll wait. Okay. Now that you’ve been privy to this woman’s pain, insecurity, fear and longing, would YOU want to date her? Because while you’re 100% entitled to WANT ANSWERS NOW, most guys don’t HAVE answers now – and they’re certainly not going to feel more inclined to date the woman who demands them. No more than you want to buy the car from the pushy used car salesman who has to make his monthly quota.

While you’re 100% entitled to WANT ANSWERS NOW, most guys don’t HAVE answers now… Playing it cool is still your soundest bet.

I just finished writing about this in my new eBook, “Why He Disappeared”, because it’s fundamental to understanding what makes men choose some women and not others. You’re 33. It’s a great age for dating because you’re young enough to be highly desirable to men in their late 30′s and early 40′s, you’re old enough to be over your twentysomething frivolity, and you’re serious about finding love. But you can’t be TOO serious. The more you approach each man as the potential father of your child, the more each man is going to recoil from your intensity. Playing it cool is still your soundest bet. My best friend married a 40-year-old woman, after two and a half years of dating. She didn’t pressure him once to pull the trigger. They just announced that they were pregnant last week. Another close male friend just married a 40-year-old woman, after two years of co-habitation. She DID put a little pressure on him, but it didn’t help her cause in any way.

Men don’t like to be pushed. My wife was 38 when I met her. If anything, I was the one who felt the need to rush and make decisions quickly, because I want to have kids and didn’t want to waste her time. As you may know, nobody’s cooler than my wife. So as much as you think you’re saving time by putting all your cards out on the table right away, you’re actually sabotaging yourself. There are things that my wife told me after 9 months together that I wouldn’t have accepted after 1 month, and vice versa. Once your guy’s in love, once he’s invested, you have much more power and leverage.

And by the way, your leverage is not in telling him to pop for a ring or else. Your leverage is in deciding whether you have a future, and, if not, walking away with your head held high. Walk away too soon because of YOUR timetable, and you may be shorting HIS timetable.

Learn how to embrace the concept of being cool and letting a man choose you without pressure.

Your concerns are perfectly valid, SK, but your methods for dealing with them come from a place of anxiety. We’re not that attracted to anxiety. So stop trying to figure out how to merge your bank accounts on date 2, stop hinting that you’d like a family on date 4, stop trying to KNOW things about your future when you’ve only been together for six months. YOU might think you know after six months, but if my wife – or my friends’ wives – pressured me or my friends for a decision after only six months together, none of us would be married right now.

You might not like to hear me telling you to just chill out, but it gets far better results than what you’ve outlined above.

Click below to learn how to embrace the concept of being cool and letting a man choose you without pressure. It may not be easy, but for my wife, I’d like to think there are some great rewards…

www.evanmarckatz.com/products/why-he-disappeared.html

Your friend,

Evan

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Comments:

  1. 91
    Michael

    I’m not saying it is the marker for it, but when a majority voluntarily choose not to marry, that tells you something.
    Probably on average.

    I know that most of the women I went to college with (I am 31) are married, and that is reason enough for me to want to get married, to prove to them that I am just as good as they are.

  2. 92
    vino

    Re: Michael’s 173:

    - I really hope you are joking…

    - Oh, and I’d like to reiterate my request for some factual backup for your earlier insinuation:

    Of course, men have to show by word and deed that they are more than wallets and sperm donors.

    - Please. I’m all ears.

  3. 93
    Michael

    Men would have to show that they care about women and their feelings, and that they can offer friendship and support in addition to what they have in their wallet and balls.

  4. 94
    Selena

    Well Michael, #175 – CLAP! CLAP! CLAP!

    Standing ovation. Take a bow.

  5. 95
    amy

    Well, I think the “she sees me just as a tool” take is a remarkably thin-skinned one. Hon, if you’re in your 30s and you’re in it for a family, lay the cards on the table within a couple of dates. Don’t waste time. If the guy is scared off, it means that he’s not interested in settling down and having kids. Guys who are after that are very straightforward about it, whatever age they are. If he’s interested, it doesn’t mean you have to run out and buy rings, but you have a chance of something there.

    It could be that you’re looking in the wrong place. If you’re a religious person, I’d say head there. Go to church or shul. You’ll find a higher proportion of people looking to marry and have kids. Hospitals, too — docs are always looking for women to make families for them, though you may not see much of your husband.

    I don’t think it’s ever a good idea to dance around intentions. Why waste other people’s time, energy, and money, and why waste your own? Look, I don’t want to get married, and I’m not interested in getting involved with an ex-wife via minor kids. Also, I have a kid who already has a daddy, and I’m hardly ever available for romantic jaunts. I’m looking for an adult male companion who has his own life and work, and is happy to carry on with them, but wants to be monogamous. So when a guy is interested, I lay it out. If he’s really after a wife or a woman to raise his kids, then good luck to him and God bless. But I’m not one to string a guy along hoping he’ll maybe love me so wonderfully much he’ll change his ideas about what he wants. If he’s that easily led, we’re in trouble to begin with.

    Anyway, if you’re one of those “she just wants to use me!” guys, consider that guess what, maybe she’s just laying it on the line for you, asking what you’re after, and asking whether you want to be in the running. Because she’s trying to build a life with a family. Consider for a minute that it isn’t all about you.

  6. 96
    Helen

    Amy #177, I’m afraid I have to disagree slightly on this one.

    If I were on the dating scene, whether I were a man or a woman, I’d be freaked out by someone mentioning marriage so quickly before we even got to know each other. It would make me think: “He cares more about getting married in general than about ME specifically.” (Just as the guy would think: “She cares more about marriage than about me specifically.”)

    Either way, it does boil down to being viewed as a tool: someone is so desperate to get married that s/he can’t even get to know the other person first before mentioning marriage. Whether it’s because of kids, wanting a sense of stability, etc., it’s just unappealing to be seen as a means to an end rather than the end in itself. We all want to feel special in a romantic relationship. So Amy, when you say “Consider for a minute that it isn’t all about you,” well, there’s nothing wrong with a man (or a woman) wanting exactly that in a relationship. Why would I want to get married to a guy who only wanted any random woman in order to bear his children? I want the guy to think *I* am special. Likewise, a guy would feel the same way, and would be scared off by a woman who looks at him and thinks: “Sperm donor and daddy.”

  7. 97
    Kenley

    I don’t understand why telling a man pretty early on in the dating process that you have a desire to be married automatically means you are willing to marry anything with a pulse and a pair of balls. Why doesn’t it just mean that down the road, when you find the right man, you want to be married to him — not today, not tomorrow, but when the time is right. I don’t want to be married and I don’t want to live with a man either. I would let guys know that right away because if that was the type of relationship they were seeking long term, they’d be wasting time on me. I just don’t understand why putting your cards on the table is so taboo.
    As for being special, I think the only person I need to be special to is me….cause if I don’t think I’m special, no matter how many other people say I am, and no matter how often they say I am, I won’t believe them. I’ve learned that lesson from personal experience! I think that’s just another example of wanting someone in a relationship to give you what you really need to give yourself.

  8. 98
    IdoNOTwantKids

    I respectfully disagree with not making it VERY clear that you do or do NOT want kids. There is NOTHING wrong with simply saying:
    I do NOT want kids.
    That doesn’t make you nasty. That doesn’t make you negative. That just makes it clear how you feel on the issue and saves both parties from wasting time. Importantly, it also saves the female CRUCIAL time via her biological clock ticking away. Seriously. I’m not making a joke.. I’ve met women that are 40+. They want kids. Hence, they should NOT waste their time with a guy who does NOT want kids. And just so you know, I do NOT want kids.. and I tell all the women I meet that upfront. It does NOT help. But it does help them — in saving time.

  9. 99
    sun

    Actually I think men should be considerate enough to discuss this issue with a potential partner, knowing how important it is for most women in her age bracket.

  10. 100
    violet

    1. Don’t assume that if you find the guy, you will be able to have kids (or not have kids). There are ladies in their early 20′s who can’t get pregnant, and women in their 40′s who have no problem having healthy babies. Just stay healthy. That’s the best you can do.
    2. Concentrate on getting to know multiple guys. Concentrate on their habits, personalities, how they treat their friends and family, ethics, etc. and how well he meshes with you over all. This will help you get your mind off the biological clock.
    3. Meet and date many many men at the same time. Tell them that you are concentrating on getting to know guys so you can find the one that is the right fit for you. This will filter out a lot of guys (many will drop off), but that’s probably a good thing. If exclusivity is brought up, make it clear that you do not want to be in an exclusive relationship unless he is seriously thinking about marriage. Why should you commit to a wastage of such a huge chunk of time when he wasn’t ready or willing to commit in the first place? That’s like putting down a nonrefundable deposit on a house that you don’t even know is on sale or not!
    By dating many men at the same time, you don’t waste all your time on one guy. It helps you not obsess over one guy. It also give you a much better perspective on what’s really important in a guy (for you) and what’s a deal breaker. It helps you know and understand the guy’s character. The disadvantage (advantage?) is that you can’t jump into bed with multiple guys- well, at least, you shouldn’t. The advantage is that it’ll force you to wait till you know what the guy is all about.
    I am older than you. About a year and a half ago, myself and three of my girlfriends went this route and it has been successful for all four of us. Another girlfriend has not dated enough men for this to work (as she finds flaws in every guy within the first 5 minutes and won’t even give them a chance). We are trying to explain to her the advantages of filtering out guys at the end not the beginning! And yet another has not made enough of an effort to expand her network so that she can meet lots of men.

  11. 101
    Aimee

    Hypothetically: Say you’re in a relationship that’s good. You love him, he loves you.
    I know it’s been said before that men need to feel like they have something to offer to a woman before fully committing to her. Especially financially. Meaning that often times a man who is financially struggling will be reluctant to take the relationship to the next level solely because of the financial issues.

    I can imagine that a lot more couples are in this predicament lately… so how do you know when to hang in there and when to cut your losses?

  12. 102
    Wants Kids

    I’m a man in what’s almost a mirror image relationship to SK.

    I love my girlfriend of six months more than I’ve loved any other girl and she says she feels the equivalent way about me (she says so). The problem is that I love children and definitely want at least two and she is ambivalent at age 30.

    She talks about her professional future, her parents’ future, and her residential future all the time, but she rarely says anything about children. The first time she said anything was six weeks into our relationship where she said she wanted to adopt, but told me even that desire was a new development. She says infants are ugly and that little kids are annoying.

    Yet, she hasn’t brought up adoption in four months and now says she’ll “probably” want her own children, but just one and in her late 30s. (I don’t want to adopt) She feels I bring the issue up too often, I feel like we’ve barely talked about it.

    We have good chemistry and many common interests, but our values seem so different. I don’t know how our relationship would work if I can’t wait to have children and she feels so differently. I would worry about fertility issues trying to have a child so late. This is my best relationship ever, yet when I look into the future I don’t know if I like what I see.

  13. 103
    Jason Miller

    This is a tough predicament we’re in.  Modern society affords women all the means and even necessity to have careers of their own.  Men and women feel no pressure to marry for financial reasons or just to have sex anymore.  This is a different ball game in our post-ERA, dual income, high-divorce-rate world.  We’ve put off marriage and children 10-20 years from our biological ideal.  My mom had me when she was 23.  How many married women are having kids now that young?  No where near as many as 50 years ago.
     
    So you hit your late 30′s and you realize your biological clock’s ticking.  The biological drive to have children varies from woman to woman.  Sometimes it has more to do with external factors rather than internal.  Bottom line, every woman needs to decide if having kids is critical to being in a relationship.  There are men who want kids too, even if they’re older.  I see nothing wrong with being up front about it as long as you’re prepared to screen men based on their level of willingness to have kids.  You must decide if you’re willing to navigate the gray areas too, not just the black and white.
     
    And isn’t that the point?  The fear is that you won’t find a great guy who wants the same things if life you do.  Do you go through your dating process worrying that he’s not out there?  Or do you have faith in yourself to know him when you see him?  Not wanting kids is just another potential dealbreaker just like any other.  If you’re a non-smoker would you want to marry a hardcore smoker?  I say stand firm as to what’s not negotiable and keep putting yourself out there to try to attract it.  Have faith and keep positive you’ll find him and you will.  Project fear and frustration out there and you won’t!

  14. 104
    C.

    I keep re-reading this post and responses and I’m still confused on how to deal with this issue. I’ve already fallen for 3 different guys who don’t want kids, while I certainly do. At the moment, I’ve been dating a guy for a month. I’m very much “in like’ with him, and there is definite potential for love. But I have no idea if he wants kids. Do I do as Evan says and bite my tongue until we are already deeply in love and in a serious relationship to ask if he wants them? and what if he doesn’t? Do I leave him? Or do I make that sacrifice and not have kids in order to have him? I hate having to make that choice.

  15. 105
    Sara Malamud

    Well, you don’t wait. You should know immediately if he is looking for a serious relationship and marriage. If he says not, believe him. I always advice to play straight forward from day one. Some women think its cool to say they are not interested in marriage, well, the only one who fools is yourself. Sara Malamud

  16. 106
    Bob

    @C (#186)

    As Evan has pointed out elsewhere, often men don’t know what they want till they know. Forcing an early decision can work against you.

    Why is this relevant? Let’s say you’re dating this guy, Dan. You don’t know it, but Dan’s always answered “no” to the question of having kids. But perhaps the reality is he’s just not sure.

    Now if you ask early in the relationship whether Dan if wants kids, his answer is likely to be “No”, and that answer is now “out there”.

    Perhaps if you waited to ask till later, when you know each other a little better, he may respond “maybe”, because that’s his real thought, and he’s finally able to acknowledge it.

    My point is, pushing for answers too soon won’t always get you *good* answers.

    Best approach I can recommend is to not look for what he wants, but to express *your* desires at some point. If you state (with no pressure or expectation) that you’d like to have kids, he can respond as he sees fit. If he REALLY doesn’t want kids, I can practically guarantee he’ll say so.

    Regardless, it puts your cards on the table in a good way. If he’s a good guy who wants kids, I’m guessin’ he’d say so, because there’s no conflict for him. If he doesn’t want kids he’ll probably avoid the issue.

  17. 107
    Lynn

    I would wait for the guy to bring it up. Generally, men who are interested in marriage and kids are in a hurry to have both, and will work it into the conversation over dinner on the first or second date. If he asks you what your long term relationship goals are, if you ever thought about getting married or having kids, just say “yes but only with a man I am truly in love with.” That way, he knows you want marriage, but you want love *more* – that you’re not just looking for a sperm donor to split the bills.

  18. 108
    Rain

    Bella,

    Wow, bull-eye right into the heart of many women in or past 30ties. 

    Bravo!!

  19. 109
    Kurt S.

    SK’s letter makes her seem extremely self-absorbed.  I know women like her who wasted their 20s dating the type of guys who weren’t going to marry them and then they wake up in their mid-30s and expect to find a great guy, as though it is that easy.  If SK is smart, she will go for guys 5-10 years older and she will treat them well.
    Evan should have advised SK to invent a time machine and go back in time and warn her younger self not to waste her 20s, when she is at the height of her attractiveness, dating losers or the type of guys who would not be good husbands.

  20. 110
    Kurt S.

    Violet recommended dating multiple men.  However, I really don’t understand the entire strategy of dating multiple men at the same time.  Don’t most guys get turned off when women do this?  I certainly would not want to pay for dates with a woman who was dating multiple men.  If women want to multi-date while playing the field, they should pay for their portion of their dates; otherwise, it seems like they are simply taking advantage of men, and no man wants to marry a women who he thinks is taking advantage of him.

  21. 111
    Denise

    Evan should have advised SK to invent a time machine and go back in time and warn her younger self not to waste her 20s, when she is at the height of her attractiveness, dating losers or the type of guys who would not be good husbands.

    Haha, sounds like a sci-fi movie!  Not sure how applicable or useful this advice is at the point in life she is now.  After all, the past is not something we control, so fussing and agonizing over it is useless and called suffering.

    Violet recommended dating multiple men.  However, I really don’t understand the entire strategy of dating multiple men at the same time.

    This is a good opportunity to educate men on women.  When women date just one man, they frequently get all caught up in that one man.  They often obsess about him.  Women instinctively (which means it’s just part of women’s makeup) want to know answers to life’s mysteries (that’s why so many women love astrology!)–when a woman meets a man she likes, she often goes from a couple of dates to being married and having kids with this man!   That also leads to smothering type of behavior because she really wants it to work to know if this man is ‘the one’. 

    Dating multiple men allows her to NOT obsess on one man, to learn about other men.  To let those men SHOW her their interest in her, rather than her focusing on one man to her detriment.

    “Dating” multiple men is not only physically dating men, but being open to men, flirting with men she may come in contact with.  It makes her feel good and it makes her feel feminine, wanted.

    Finally, what I describe above is common for all women for the most part.  I’m pretty educated about this stuff and self aware, and I struggle with this concept.  I often have to really hold myself back to be patient when I really like a man, force myself to get out there to date others and flirt with others.  I can say it really does work.

  22. 112
    Karl R

    Kurt S. said: (#192)
    “However, I really don’t understand the entire strategy of dating multiple men at the same time.  Don’t most guys get turned off when women do this?”

    In the early stages of dating, I date multiple women at once. When I decide that I’m interested in dating a woman exclusively, I let her know.

    I’m not hypocritical enough to be turned off when a woman engages in the same behavior that I do.

    Kurt S. said: (#192)
    “If women want to multi-date while playing the field, they should pay for their portion of their dates; otherwise, it seems like they are simply taking advantage of men, and no man wants to marry a women who he thinks is taking advantage of him.”

    If that’s a reasonable concern, limit yourself to dates that cost little to no money until you’re in an exclusive relationship.

    At times, I dated multiple women whom I was not interested in marrying … and I paid for the dates. I didn’t care whether those women dated other men, and some of them were.

    When I go to a show/gig/movie, I prefer to have company. The additional enjoyment I received by having attractive female company was worth the price of an additional ticket.

    If the cost of the second ticket/meal/whatever exceeds the value of the lady’s company, then you’re spending too much on the date.

    Furthermore, I really don’t see how you would be making decisions whether you’re interested in marrying a woman before you have even explicitly agreed to date exclusively.

  23. 113
    jennyana

    At Denise #193

    I agree with you.  Most women, when we like someone, start obsessing about him.  That is why multidating is a good option.  If I guy you like hasn’t asked you to be exclusive, why would you stop meeting and dating other guys? 

  24. 114
    C.

    Kurt, your ‘advice’ isn’t very constructive. It may be beating a dead horse because this thread is so old, but I have to ask: why is it that men get a pass at wasting their 20s if they don’t settle down until they’re 35+? And just because people don’t marry before 30 doesn’t mean they were wasting their time with losers, jeesh! Sometimes things don’t work out with who you thought was ‘the one’. Gain a little perspective.

  25. 115
    Kurt S.

    why is it that men get a pass at wasting their 20s if they don’t settle down until they’re 35+?
    I don’t think that men necessarily “get a pass” for waiting until they are 35 to get married.  However, I do think that dating is a hell of a lot easier for attractive women who are in their 20s than it is for attractive men who are in their 20s.  I know lots of guys who struggled dating in their 20s and had long stretches where they weren’t dating at all because they were establishing their careers and women just didn’t want them because they were too “nice” or “boring” or whatever.  However, those guys got a little jaded and stopped letting women try to walk all over them.  Now that they are in their mid-30s, they are a lot more attractive to women because they have established careers and don’t let women get away with bad behavior.  I suppose that somehow their jaded attitudes make them more “confident” and therefore attractive to women for reasons I really don’t fully understand.
    Attractive women, on the other hand, are only single when they are young if they choose to be single.  If they choose to wait until they are in their mid-30s to get serious about finding a great guy, then many of them are bound to struggle unless they decide to go for older and/or generally less attractive men.  Why should a man in his mid-30s who is still attractive and is successful settle for a woman in her mid-30s who is likely far less fertile and less attractive than her younger peers and who probably had tons of options when she was younger and misplayed her hand?
    In the early stages of dating, I date multiple women at once. When I decide that I’m interested in dating a woman exclusively, I let her know.
    I’m not hypocritical enough to be turned off when a woman engages in the same behavior that I do.
    In your case, it would be hypocritical to be turned off if a woman was multi-dating because you are doing the same thing.
    However, I know lots of guys who aren’t out there multi-dating and they are definitely turned off by women who are out there playing the field.

  26. 116
    Nicole

    I am getting in on this discussion late, having just discovered this blog.  But there are a few points in these posts I would like to respond to.

    On women’s biologocal clocks:  Not all women want kids, but some of those women do want a life partner and marriage.  Marriage is not just about parenting.  There are women who know they can have a full life without kids BUT believe they could also be happy having kids IF they fell in love with someone who they believed would be a good father as well as good husband/life partner.  Those women say “undecided” about kids on the online dating sites because there isn’t an”it depends” option to check.  I know because I am one of those women who indicates “undecided”- not because I’m confused about the commitment it takes to have children and whether or not I want to make that commitment, like someone suggested in a post.  On the contrary, I’m very clear on the gravity of the responsibility of kids and I dont want to have kids with someone who is not alligned with me on the subject, and I’m sure I’m not the only woman that feels this way.  I am not looking for a potential daddy to a kid that may never be born; I’m looking for someone I would be happy sharing life with and if that person turns out to be good for parenting and WE decide WE want to do that together, then great.  But I am thankful for the fact that I do not have the burning need to have children, and my desire for a relationship is not driven by my childbearing window. 

    Regarding age: I know many women in their late 30-early 50s who are sexier, more active and fit, interesting, drama free, etc than many women in their 20s and early 30s.  I also know women in their 20s and early 30s who cannot have kids, and women who can have (and have had) kids into their late 40s.  To assume that younger women are more furtile is ignorant.  The fact is that nobody really knows if any particular woman can have children until she tries to have kids.

    I totally agree that pressure is not the way to commitment.  I dont want to be pressured and I want someone to commit to me because he wants to.  The frustration I have is that guys (and gals, but I’m focused on guys) carry around their baggage from past bad relationships and fears from bad relationships they see around them, so even when they do meet a good woman who they really like, often they are still very hesitant to commit to her.  What am I supposed to do with that? 

  27. 117
    Kurt S.

    Nicole, obviously there are exceptions to the fertility “rule.”  However, a woman’s age is a very important consideration for men who want to get married and father children.  There are thousands of medical studies showing that women do generally lose fertility the older they get and men who want to start a family would be foolish to completely ignore this information.

  28. 118
    Sigh

    This article is so old, but I was compelled to post. Some of the posters here are just mean-spirited and judgmental. So, a woman who is single in her 30′s has misplayed her hand? That is quite possibly the most negative interpretation someone could take of the situation.
    Not that I’m an example for all women, but I imagine a lot of women have good reasons too:
    I worked my a&& off in my 20′s because I grew up basically without a mom and have never felt safe unless I can support myself. Getting to a state where you are financially viable and safe takes time and effort. I am also the oldest sibling who felt a responsibility to my younger ones. I didn’t ask for my circumstances, but I got them, and here I am. Warts and all.
    As for dating – I loved every guy I dated in my 20′s and was devoted to him. NOBODY wants their relationships to fail, and if they knew in advance that they would, they would exit them. But nobody can predict the future. Women who are single haven’t “misplayed” intentionally – that’s absurd. Many of them have done their best with the hands they got dealt.
    A lot of life is unpredictable, and the guy who makes calculations about marrying the 20 year old for her fertility might not be safe from getting a bad hand himself somewhere down the line. People who apply cold logic to judging the situations of others maybe haven’t been dealt enough hard knocks to have humility. That’s one thing I like about dating in my 30′s – for all the guys like Vino, there are 3 more who are open minded and less judgmental because of their life experiences.

  29. 119
    Foxx

    My man was posing the notion of marraige on the second date and it did not scare me off at all because it’s what I wanted and how soon the convo came up didnt matter because we just loved each other and knew what we both wanted. So to the poster, its ok to lay your cards out on the table, men do it too.

  30. 120
    Joe

    I say get off the pill, don’t sleep with anyone but meet as many possible guys at the same time, until you find the right one or can mold him into being the right one.  If you’re rich, just pay for invitro from a donor like some other women.  Good luck!

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