I Love an Obese Man and I’m Confused.

I Love an Obese Man and I’m Confused

I met him online almost two years ago. We played the same online game and we began to talk and I had a major crush on him for his deep voice. He lives on the other side of the world so I didn’t anticipate anything more than a crush, but he’s made my life so much better! Over the next 6 months he helped me leave my abusive, alcoholic husband (now ex). He supported me as I made my decision to leave after 9 years of marriage. That was scary! I married when I was 21 and my husband was not a good guy. I’m no angel either of course, but my life has been amazing since I left him. I online dated prolifically in the last year since I’ve left him and had some short, but fun and diverse relationships. Meathead gym bro w/sexy body. Highly intelligent, but emotionally unavailable guy. Rich alpha male, with ego issues.

Anyway, through all this my Swedish guy supported me as I dealt with my own alcoholism and other issues. I’ve been sober longer than I’ve been in 9 years. It’s been a year since I left my ex and this man has saved me in so many ways. He’s my rock and I love him.

We started an official relationship, bf/gf style even though he lives in Sweden and I live in the US. He flew to see me and arrived only a couple days ago. He is much heavier than I thought. The problem is NOT that he’s overweight, it’s that he’s obese
.

That said though, this is the most comfortable relationship I’ve ever been in. He loves me and I love how he explores my body and how sensual he is. I’m not disgusted by his fat, but I don’t know why. I love him and it’s the strangest relationship ever, but it’s so happy. And he’s so smart, confident and somehow…sexy. He turns me on with the way he talks to me and touches me, way more so than my last boyfriend who was a muscled gym bro.

Am I in a weird infatuation stage? Do you think it is infatuation or disillusion that makes me attracted to him? Will it crash and burn? I’m confused. I was married 9 years to a man who didn’t turn me on, though he was a healthy weight.

I don’t care what my friends or family think. I don’t care that we look goofy together because of our size and health difference. Well, in some ways it does bother me, but I’m grown-up enough to ignore those what-will-people-think worries.

I’m aware that if a man were to write this message I would judge him so hard 🙁

Thanks,
Katie

You don’t have a question, Katie.

You have a beautiful story – a tale that’s as old as time, if you will.

I normally don’t provide much validation here – namely because there’s not much to learn from it – but in this case, I wanted to make an exception.

You are a perfect illustration for how real love works. You are a demonstration that, despite how it looks from the outside, if a man makes you feel safe, heard and understood, you can be extremely happy.

You have a beautiful story – a tale that’s as old as time, if you will.

I’m positive some women are reading this right now and rolling their eyes:

“See, this is just more evidence that Evan is asking us to give up on things like looks, attraction and health!”

Except I’m not. Read Katie’s letter. She IS attracted to him. She arrived at this conclusion on her own, without my help.

That said though, this is the most comfortable relationship I’ve ever been in. He loves me and I love how he explores my body and how sensual he is….I love him and it’s the strangest relationship ever, but it’s so happy. And he’s so smart, confident and somehow…sexy. He turns me on with the way he talks to me and touches me, way more so than my last boyfriend who was a muscled gym bro.

But it feels foreign to her. Of course it does. That’s what happens anytime you step outside your comfort zone and date someone who doesn’t meet your preconceived expectations of what it “should” look like (which is generally “you,” but the opposite sex version).

Substitute the word “obese” with “Catholic,” “black,” “blue-collar,” “short,” “older,” “handicapped,” and you can see how millions of people find lasting love with people in different packaging.

The only thing I want to address, Katie is not whether this is infatuation that’s doomed to crash and burn. Most relationships start out white hot and end up cooling to some degree over time.

You are a demonstration that, despite how it looks from the outside, if a man makes you feel safe, heard and understood, you can be extremely happy.

My concern isn’t the weight of your boyfriend.

It’s that he lives in Sweden.

Long-distance relationships are tough. Long-distance relationships that require an intercontinental flight or relocation are tougher. My only close friend who did this fell madly in love with a woman in Europe, proposed to her via Skype, she moved in with him in the U.S. and they were broken up within 2 months.

So enjoy your big, sensual, confident, sexy Swede, but don’t lose sight of the fact that this is the beginning of your relationship and there is a lot to work out before you should start picking out china patterns. Congratulations on falling in love with someone that you wouldn’t have previously considered. I believe in your character and in your ability to make this work. Please, keep us posted.

Join our conversation (13 Comments).
Click Here To Leave Your Comment Below.

Comments:

  1. 1
    Malika

    The heart wants what the heart wants. It’s quite a feat to find someone who you are attracted to on different levels, so congratulations on finding someone who has made such an impression on you! We often have an overly clear vision of what our future other half should look like, that it can blind us to the special qualities a non-Disney Prince/princess can bring to the table, so i commend you for getting past the blinkers.

    The long distance is going to be a huge hurdle! I have known people who have made it work even though they lived in different countries at the start of their relationship, but they happened within Europe, so low cost flights made it a little bit easier than your situation. Even then, the to-ing and fro-ing cut a big dent in their discretionary income, and if they had less money they would not have been able to keep up the relationship. I hope you are able to find a way to make it work, long term. Even if you don’t, this relationship has brought you great happiness in the short term, far more than your LTR ever did, and that is definitely worth the adventure.

  2. 2
    S.

    Just hold him and  . . .  love.  Seriously, this is what people are looking for.  You hit the jackpot. (Sometimes the jackpot comes in an unexpected .  . . pot!)  Maybe there will be things in the future that will be a challenge. Probably.  The distance is more a problem than his weight as Evan said.

    It’s going to be work for both of you, but work you both seem well into to wholeheartedly doing.

    I wish you both well!

  3. 3
    Lisa

    I could not agree more and I tell my single friends all the time, look you don’t have to want to rip his clothes off or do a Hollywood kiss scene on the first date.  You spoke to him for three hours wow!  Then they say well he’s fill in the blank.  Movies have us all screwed up.  I have several friends that if they don’t want to kiss him within the first five minutes they have no interest. Ugh.

  4. 4
    skoldys

    Congratulations on your connection! I just want to offer a counter to Evan’s story to balance it out: I have a friend in the U.S. who used the Facebook dating feature (no longer available, I think) to meet a Turkish woman in Qatar. He proposed without ever having met her in person, then he packed up and moved to Qatar. Three countries and eight years later, her son from a previous relationship lives with them in a quaint New England house near his parents, they run a couple of successful businesses, and they seem happy and supportive of one another. The odds may be against you, but it does happen. Follow your heart.

  5. 5
    Clare

    I honestly would proceed with caution, Katie.

     

    I’m very happy for you that you really like this guy and can see past his appearance and still feel great connection and attraction. But you barely know each other. You met each other in person a few days ago, and despite all the chatting which you did online, a relationship doesn’t really start until you meet in person. The fact that it’s long distance and that he was able to help you during these difficult situations which you found yourself in have probably intensified your feelings so that they feel deeper and greater than they might actually turn out to be in reality. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. There’s nothing like hardly ever being able to see someone to fan the flames of lust and passion. How will you feel when you see each other every day and do normal, everyday, boring things? How will you feel when you’ve recovered from your divorce (only 6 months ago! Is everyone missing this?!?) and got your alcoholism under control and you no longer need him to rescue you?

     

    Proceed carefully. I think your question “will this crash and burn?” is your intuition telling you to be cautious.

  6. 6
    Katie

     
    I’m the OP.
     
    To Evan -Thank you so, so, so much for responding to my not-a-question!
    And to the commenters – Thank you soooooo much for your kind and intelligent responses!
     
    I wrote this 6ish weeks ago. He’s still here and I’m madly and hopelessly in love. He was going to stay 3.5 weeks, but extended his trip (Paid vacation leave for Swedes is insane compared to US).
    Speaking aesthetics, he seems less heavy than when he first arrived. I don’t notice it much now, which is strange.
    I know he can’t do some of the things I would like him to be able to do with me, like go backpacking or rock climbing. But I have friends that can do those things with me. My partner doesn’t have to be able to do every little thing with me, and that’s fine.

     
    He leaves in a week and when I think of everything going back to online communication/phone/texts I feel like I’m going to cry 🙁
     
    I’ve read Evan’s thoughts on LDR -Really hard.  Plus, chances are good that you can find someone just like your long-distance amour in your own city. I agree with the notion. But a new guy wouldn’t have the history I have with my Swede, which is a two-year history of consistent support, intelligent discussions, goofy laughs and loving acceptance.
     
    Both of us are open to relocating. In an ideal world, one of us would land a job in the others country, which would facilitate and finance the move and we could date like normal people. The reality is that that’s very, very hard to manage.
     
    Me moving to Sweden is challenging because my skills allow me to get jobs easily in English-speaking countries -I’m a science teacher, college and high school level – But Sweden speaks Swedish officially.
     
    Him moving to the US is challenging because his skills as a professional chef mean that jobs are harder to come by. His professional connections with other chefs in Stockholm lubricate his job transitions. Landing a chef job in the US would be very hard. He’s been researching it, and it seems the best way is to get “sponsored” by a company. We learned about it when we visited IKEA a few weeks ago, and met a Swedish guy there, who was “sponsored” by IKEA, so IKEA managed/financed the green card stuff, et cetera. As you can imagine, getting “sponsored” is not easy to come by and neither of us have experience with immigration stuff, so there’s a lot to learn before we can  actually DO anything.
     
    And then there’s the temptation to just get married and be done with it.
     
    Pros: Easiest/quickest path to green card. Both of us could work in either country.
     
    Cons: Hah! Let’s just agree that it’s a horrendously complicated way to date.
     
    But the thought of him not being here is soul-crushing. It really, really hurts.
     

    1. 6.1
      GoWiththeFlow

      Good luck to you and your Swede!

      A quick word of advice “the just get married and be done with it” way may actually make things harder for your sweetie to get a green card since it raises suspicions of a fake marriage.  A friend had plans to marry his fiancé and then work on getting her a green card afterwards.  Then they consulted an immigration attorney and found out that was not a good way to go about it.  The planned wedding turned into a visit where friends and family met his intended instead.  They now have a plain place  for how to navigate immigration issues.

    2. 6.2
      Malika

      Relocation is uber challenging. Sweden and US have very different cultures and both would require an intense inmersion in language and culture, which takes years to fully get through. Having said that, people do it all the time, so while difficult it is not impossible. You need time to fully heal from your divorce, but maybe at a later stage you can think of a solution.

      I know a couple that met each other via a chat website, back in the late 90’s. She lived in Mexico and he lived in The Netherlands. He wrote about their chats and was invited on to a show called ‘all you need is love’. He thought he was only going to talk about the challenges of falling in love via a chat website, but they surprised him by flying her over to The Netherlands and they met irl for the first time on a set stage! 17 years later and they and their burgeoning family are still going strong. They were my inspiration years later when i started online dating. Love can be found in the strangest of places.

    3. 6.3
      Expat

      I’m very happy for you and kudos for being so open! I would echo everyone else’s words of caution to move slowly and not make any rash decisions. Situations like this definitely can work out and I know some happy stories, but I also know plenty of cautionary tales like Evan’s — including two of my own that I’ll share below. I actually rarely comment but two parts of your post here made my hair stand up and I had to share because you seem like a wonderful woman and could benefit from hearing about these experiences.

      You say:
      “In an ideal world, one of us would land a job in the others country, which would facilitate and finance the move and we could date like normal people. The reality is that that’s very, very hard to manage.”

      This is true, but it’s definitely possible and if your relationship is made to last, it can withstand the (yes, excruciating!) months of separation that it will take in order to find the right job for one of you. My advice would be to take this route BUT take your time and don’t succumb to the impulse to rush just so you can be together in the same city again. Whoever is moving countries really needs to find the RIGHT job, not just any job.

      I took this route about 6 years ago in order to move abroad with my college sweetheart. It was very hard to find a good job in the country where he needed to be, and I found the best job I could — in order to move at the same time as him — but it turned out to be a major step down. I hated my job with a passion for two years and deeply regretted giving up my previous job — which I loved — for a relationship that I started to feel wasn’t going anywhere. That misery really took a toll on our relationship. We had some serious issues to be fair, but in any situation when you’ve made a decision that compromised too much for your loved one — like taking a big step down in your career or moving to a country that you don’t like living in —  it’s very difficult not to take it out on them or resent them for it, and it can create an unhealthy dynamic even in good relationships. My relationship was NOT good, though we somehow made it last another two years after the move. Then, shortly after I moved to a third (neighboring) country to take a step that would fulfill me personally and professionally — with the goal of moving back to the same country as him after a year — the relationship collapsed. And thank god it did! Hindsight is 20/20.

      Couples I know who made similar moves but make it work either 1) had much longer established relationships that were not long-distance (not your case obviously) or 2) found a job that was really good for the moving partner and didn’t make them feel like they were giving up too much for the relationship

      You say:
      “And then there’s the temptation to just get married and be done with it.”

      OOOO boy please do not do this. Every time someone comes with me to this idea (and it happens a lot because I’ve done it myself) I nearly scream from the rooftops STOP STOP STOP.

      These situations are relatively common in the expat circles I run in and the ONLY time I’ve seen them work is when the couple already had a well-established relationship of multiple years living together in the same country, and one of them had to move for whatever reason, so the other followed by obtaining a visa through marriage in order to keep living together. Usually they were already probably going to get married and just moved up to the timeline. Those situations can work well but it’s not the situation you find yourself in.

      What I’ve almost always seen lead to trouble is your type of situation, when two people are still in a dating phase. They’re trying to get to know each other and see if they’re compatible to get married, but then they jump the gun and get married so that one of them can get a visa and they can live in the same country, because they can’t stand being apart. I’m sure there are exceptions but I think you’d be risking too much.

      In my case, less than a year after the aforementioned breakup, I met another guy in the country I had moved to and we started dating. We moved quite fast and there was a lot of passion and we were sure we were meant to be together, bla bla bla – red flags anyone? Eight months into our relationship, I got a great job offer in another neighboring country. He had recently lost his job as well due to the economic downturn in the country, and so he said there was no doubt that he would come with me and find another job there, details be damned. So I happily took the job in the new country.

      He struggled for months to search for jobs in the new country, and much like I had in my past relationship, freaked out about finding one at the right timing so we could move together and not be separated too much. I definitely played a role in pressuring him to do this as well because I also didn’t want to be apart, so yes, shame on me too. He ended up finding a job that was a good opportunity except it had HALF the salary of his previous job, but he took it so we could be together. Also he had lived in the new country before and hated it, so wasn’t keen to be there again but was willing to do it for our relationship. This is a factor you both need to consider – would you be truly happy in Sweden? Or, would he be truly happy in the U.S.?  The partner who is moving should take some long visits, check out life there and be honest.

      Anyway, in my case, we both made the highly stupid decision to get married before we moved — partly because unmarried relationships are taboo in the country we were moving to and partly because we wanted to ensure we were able to sponsor each other for visas if one of our jobs or visas didn’t come through.

      I initially viewed this as a marriage of expedience — a paper marriage that would let us date for longer. He said this is what he viewed it as too, but after we married it was hard not to start referring to each other as husband and wife and he really began to view it as a real marriage. Cultural differences that often don’t arise until marriage began to come into play — and while you might not think they’ll matter for you two since Sweden is still a “Western” culture, you’d be surprised at the small things that can complicate cross-cultural relationships if you’re not conscious of them and good communicators.

      For us, the difference in the ways we were viewing the marriage — and all the pressure of moving and him taking a job at half his expected salary — blew up spectacularly. The day he finally got his work visa, he freaked out, divorced me in a text message and disappeared.

      No. Shit. Obviously that kind of behavior shows he wasn’t the guy for me, but something about being legally married made the breakup hurt even more. Obviously it was hugely traumatic and not a period of my life I would like to live through again or ever wish on anyone else.

      So I caution you to be very careful with the idea of a paper marriage because 1) It’s hard to ‘date’ someone you’re already married to, even if that’s the intention 2) there’s all sorts of crazy complications that you can’t even anticipate.

      I would only advise a paper marriage for a couple that is basically already on the track to getting married and just needs to speed the timeline a bit much for whatever reason, much as Evan took a leap of faith with his wife before he was 100% sure.

      I’ll add the caveat that I survived and thrived after both these experiences and I’m in a great place now and feeling much more mature than my age. I’m dating again and taking things slowly. I would never be in the country where I am now — I would never have had the courage to move here alone — or have the great job I have now if all of this hadn’t happened, so there you have it.

      1. 6.3.1
        Katie

        @GWTF You’re right about marriage NOT being the magic bullet I thought it was 🙁

        @Malika Thank you for your advice. That’s such a sweet story 🙂

        Oh and I’m plenty healed from divorce. Twas over a year ago and to be honest, all the gut wrenching emotions were endured BEFORE I left him, not after. DECIDING to leave was hard, actually doing it was hard. But the rewards were awesome, so no regrets there.

        @ExPat Thank you! I want to talk to someone else whos done this before! He flew out two days ago and I feel heartsick 🙁 And kinda helpless too, because there’s not anything that I can DO right now, AT THIS MOMENT to see him 🙁

        The process is so daunting. I’m considering all options, but there’s SO MUCH to learn when it comes to immigration stuff.

        Your story is so, so valuable to me. THANK YOU.

         

  7. 7
    Amanda

    Hmm. You are saying, “This doesn’t bother me but it should.” I am hearing, “This bothers me,” but it shouldn’t.

  8. 8
    Michelle

    I’ll just chuck in my two cents about LDRs. My boyfriend and I are both big fans of EMK and knowing his stance on distance we laugh that we are unicorns and probably fall under “a broken clock stops twice a day”! We are an example that an LDR can work, but we have the following advantages:

    1) We are both extremely good communicators and have been able to talk about all of our deepest personal issues and hopes for the future without any restraint. We’re also very secure people, and don’t have anxiety over what the other person is doing with their time or with whom.

    2) We live an 8-hour flight away in different countries, but there is only a 1-2 hour time zone difference so it is very easy for us to talk 3-4 times a day via WhatsApp (and we enjoy talking on the phone and sending messages, it doesn’t feel like work to us because we’re so verbal. I have the time and money to visit every two months or so (I have more vacation time than he does, and he contributes financially to my visits.  He will come here in less than two weeks!)

    3) We both hold two passports and have one of those in common,  which makes the future prospect of living together much easier. He speaks English like a native speaker and has work experience that allows him good job prospects where I live. He lives in a small town, but since he works remotely he is willing to move to a larger area where I have more opportunities should I go live with him.

    4) We are mature (late 30s – early 40s) and know exactly what we are looking for in a relationship and also patient enough to the necessary time before making major decisions. He asked me to marry him after about 6 months but I said “Listen to Evan! We need at least 2 years and we need to live together first!” (Thanks Evan!)

    5) I used to live near the town where he is based (we met when I was visiting friends and family) so if I move there, it’s a familiar place and I won’t be challenged with making all new friends or navigating a language barrier.

    6) In order for him to emigrate to the country I am living now, we do not have to get married, but we do have to be in a de facto relationship (which means living together and showing proof that we are sharing a home, finances, leisure time, and have met each others’ family and friends). That takes a lot of pressure off and we don’t have to get married right away.

    What I say to other people in LDRs that if this person is a really good match for you and you work hard for the relationship, the distance doesn’t matter. You will feel so secure, safe, and understood that you will willingly navigate the rest. Distance in and of itself is not a dealbreaker but you must be 150% committed and willing to deal with the stress of immigration, relocating, different cultures, climates, leaving behind what is familiar, etc. My boyfriend and I have both emigrated multiple times and lived far away from our families since we were in college, so we’re pretty tough independent people and can deal with all of the above, but it’s not for everyone. But if you go in with your eyes open, take time to get to know the person, don’t let adrenalin take over and drive your decisions, and navigate the difficult stuff together and become closer as a result,  you may find yourself on a grand adventure with the love of your life.

     

  9. 9
    Getcalm

    Big red flags should be waving right now … OP is less than a year out of her marriage and has had 3 sexual relationships prior to the Swede’s arrival.  OP is barely sober.  Anyone with any program experience knows that the primary suggestion is to make no significant moves/commitments in the first year of sobriety.  This whole scenario smacks of little girl/white knight rescuer drama.  Not to mention, we have an online situation where the Swede knew she was married and “emotionally supporting” her … yuck.  That’s what girlfriends, therapists, your sponsor are for.  I say SLOW DOWN, it’s not love, it’s the old intensity masquerading as intimacy false flag.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *