My Boyfriend Doesn’t Want to Have Sex With Me!

Hi Evan,

What about when a guy DOESN’T want to sleep with you?

I had been dating a guy I met from an online dating site for a little over a month. We were really good together, had a lot in common, had a blast anytime we were together. The second night he stayed over, he asked if we could sleep together. I was hesitant about it, since before that all we had done was kiss. So he apologized for asking and said he wanted me to: “make him wait.” The next time he stayed over, I said I didn’t want to wait anymore (hey, I’m only human!) but he said he still thought we should wait… He said how most of his relationships had been purely physical, and he didn’t want that for us.

He ended up staying over a couple of more nights, but we never slept together.

As much as I would like to believe he wanted to wait because he really liked me, that theory was thrown out the door when a couple of weeks ago he pulled a 180 and quit returning my calls and texts for 3 days. And then TEXTED me finally to say he wasn’t “ready for a relationship.” But that’s a whole other story…

Melissa

I can hear your frustration, Melissa, but I gotta tell you: I LOVE receiving role-reversing letters like this.

Women who complain that men are too clingy, men who get upset when women don’t call them after sex, women who make more money than men.

Next on Jerry Springer: Men who don’t want to have sex.

I’m sorry. This isn’t a silly matter at all. What it instantly brought to mind, actually, was a plot line on HBO’s new series “Tell Me You Love Me”. There’s a married couple on the show that hasn’t had sex in a year. You’re an individual who hasn’t slept with a guy in a month.

Okay, so they’re not that similar.

You didn’t really ask me a question, Melissa, so it’s hard to give an answer. But I will give you my opinion, which, not surprisingly, might challenge yours.

I think the guy did the right thing.

I think you should be thanking him.

I think it would have been a lot worse had he slept with you and stopped returning your calls.

It would have been a lot worse had he slept with you and stopped returning your calls.

Sure, his breakup skills could probably use a bit of polish, but really, this guy acted with total integrity. Unlike every jackass who has ever slept with a woman he had no intention of committing to, this guy refused to do so.

So apart from blowing you off by text message, how has he done anything wrong?

If sleeping with you and not calling means we’re jerks, and NOT sleeping with you and not calling means we’re jerks, what are we supposed to do until we figure out how we feel?

I dated someone last year for two and a half months before we had sex. Why? Because I wasn’t sure that I wanted her to be my girlfriend, and I didn’t want to hurt her by sleeping with her and bailing. I’m not saying guys like me deserve a medal, but wouldn’t you say that there’s something conscientious about waiting?…

I’ve had a couple of people tell me that this is a patronizing attitude.

“I’m a big girl. I can handle having sex without commitment.”

Yes, you can.

Sometimes.

Other times you think you can and are hurt when it doesn’t work out.

So if a guy recognizes that most early relationships DON’T work out and decides to hold off on sex, he’s being SELFISH?

Doesn’t sound like guys can really win here.

If sleeping with you and not calling means we’re jerks, and NOT sleeping with you and not calling means we’re jerks, what are we supposed to do until we figure out how we feel?

My guess, Melissa, is that he did like you, he didn’t want to go too fast and potentially lose respect, and then, after a few more dates, concluded that you weren’t a good fit.

As I said, he could have handled the breakup quite a bit better, but I’m not sure how he could have handled the sex part with any more tact.

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Comments:

  1. 61
    Virgilio

    Have any of you ever considered the Frued concept of the Madonna whore complex ? sone of the answers kinda point in that direction especially the ones where the boyfriend has a high sex drive and slept around a lot before he met you. In that situation he probably thought of his conquests as dirty whores who he enjoys having sex with and since he actually likes you he refuses to devalue with his sex ( which is also usually kinky and in his opinion degrading , something he can’t imagine a women he loved doing). This complex is usually deeply ingrained and unconscious. If he started seeing you for sex but you denied so  his thought process goes ” she has respect for herself , I like this girl.” then after more communication and time spent he’s like ” I really really like this girl which is why i can’t sex with her. Wait hold on , I didn’t start seeing her for a relationship only for sex in not ready for this “. In this

    1. 61.1
      Pol E Anna

      Virgin whore complex is thought to be related to the Oedipal relationship with the mother. He can’t get excited by his wife because he sees her as a mother figure and therefore asexual and/or off limits. It is also theorized that its root cause is in the power imbalance between son and mother where the son’s anger at mother becomes anger at women in general and is manifested in the desire to sexually degrade women as a means of pscyhological revenge, which he can only act out on women he doesn’t have deep feelings for.

      Then again Frued was kinda nuts.

  2. 62
    Amy

    Before we were  married we never had sex but back in the 60s  that would never happen any way.  But after got married we had sex maybe a half dozen times, and now we’ve been married almost 50 years and still haven’t  had sex. So I can count on two hands how many times we had sex and to me that is the saddest I ever heard of. But its true my creepy husband hasn’t  been near me for almost 48 years. He hates sex its messy, smelly, disqusting, and wants nothing to do with me. So I basically  left him to himself and never got a divorce, which is my fault. I created my own life away from him. He also hates children and that was one of my dreams. I just never understood how stupid  I was.

    1. 62.1
      Pol E Anna

      “Before we were  married we never had sex but back in the 60s  that would never happen any way.”

      Yeah. And there sure were a lot of premature babies born within months of the wedding back then. I wonder why that is…

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